The Spiritual Frank

Now, if religion, God, or a talk of spirituality is not your cup of tea, perhaps you should do something else today and not read this post.

Spirituality has always been very important to me. This is why I didn't see red flags when Lovey told me before we were married that her ministry/churchwork/ etc. would come first always in our relationship. I thought I could handle it. And in the early years, I did quite an admirable job.

I was a great minister's spouse. As a man in that role, stereotypes that fit for the minister's "wife" didn't fit for me...so I was generally left to chart my own course. Although, while we were in the Church of God, headquartered in Cleveland, TN, I always seemed to get invited to the minister's wives' retreats.....or to come to the ladies' luncheons at Camp Meeting. One time in particular, I received a hand addressed envelope (so someone actually had to sit down and think as they were handwriting my name address on an envelope) with a letter from the State Overseer's wife telling me, Frank, that I was free to room with anyone I wanted to at the Ladies' Retreat.....and that it was my job to get all the women excited about it in my church!

Not only was I gay....but I had to put up with all this from my church....all because Lovey was a minister in a male-centric clergy denomination!

Still I persevered.

But somewhere in the midst of it all, things changed -- subtly, slowly, and imperceptibly and one day I discovered that I had pulled back from church activities....and I wasn't excited about church anymore. Lovey had succeeded in turning me off with the concept of churchwork, god....and even my spirituality.

At times, I felt sucked into a contest of seeing who was more spiritual....her or me.

When I voiced opinions that I believed which did not line up with what she had learned in seminary or what she believed period....I was rebuked -- harshly. So, I soon learned to keep my mouth shut.

And ultimately, as the marriage collapsed, one of the things she zinged me for was that I had lost my love of the Lord...I wasn't like I was when she had married me!

Sadly, she was right....to a point.

You see, while I didn't want to engage in pointless and endless theological discussions 24/7, or pray for everything, or spend times in hushed meditation and Bible reading all the time, Frank has never lost his love of God....and his faith.

I could not have made it during the time of my crumbling marriage.....the painful separation and the awful divorce without his presence. It's just that simple. But in Lovey's eyes, I'm queer....and lost.....and headed -- first in line -- to hell.

She's out of my life now.

I've been thinking about God....I've become active in my local MCC congregation. I love my pastor.....and I love all the people there. As I've said many times, it is so cool to be somewhere that I can be myself and not feel like I have to hide my thoughts and feelings. I'm a gay guy....but that's one of the things that make me so loveable.

God has nudged me about ministry. I'm taking my time discerning what that means. I've let him know that I'm open to whatever direction he leads. So, as I've trudged down my little spiritual path, doors have begun to open. I've been taking baby steps through them. God has blessed as a result.

Last night I met with a friend and my pastor about starting up a weekly Bible Study at my church. I've been asked to lead it...I'm honored and lookiing forward to it.

One more door opened to let me know that God hasn't forgotten me.