Sunday Late Night

I've had a really busy day capped off by a little television. I find myself wired, so here I sit...my faithful pet at my side and I need to write this.

I guess right now the big thing in my life right now is the incredible loneliness that I feel on a personal level. The way I appear to be dealing with this is by keeping busy -- active in my church, working like crazy at the office and keeping very strange hours, and visiting with all my friends over meals...over cards.....on the telephone....via email.

While all this is a good way to deal with what's bugging me...at the end of the day as I prepare for bed in my house this is when it strikes -- the yearning and need to have someone near or at least to talk to. That special someone that I could spoon with as I drift off to sleep.....and lay there in the dark and talk about our day.....and reflect on the adventures we've had.

I used to do this with Lovey.

One of the many complaints she used to level at me was my lack of physical affection towards her. She never could quite seem to get the fact that a great deal of the time she was cold and prickly....complaining about this ache or that pain. It became a litany of bodily part failure. It got old.

But at night...when the lights went out....and she drifted off to sleep, I'd put my arm around her......hold her close.....and pray for her. She never knew this and of course, I always heard about how unspiritual I was. I guess she thought I was a heathen. But I was always confident of my spirituality....and I was always praying for her. She just wasn't ever conscious of it.

I miss that.

The closeness.

The specialness.

The praying for a loved one.

Oh I guess I could continue praying for Lovey. But I just don't feel the need to. After all, I feel as though I've been kicked to the curb and nothing I can say or do, changes history or perception.

So, someway and somehow, I need to dust myself off and realize that as a gay man, there is a better than average possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone.

mmmmm

That prospect hurts. It hurts really bad.

Especially late on a Sunday night after a very busy day at church.....and at home....