Friday

Today has been an emotional one for me.

As I have said on several occasions, I have begun to be a crybaby. Everything makes me cry. I have so many emotions that are just below the surface. Then, when somethng "goes there" WHAM...the water starts to flow.

Before I left for my office this morning, I sat and re-read Lovey's last email from last night. I'm not sharing it here because of its highly personal nature. Suffice it to say, it leads me to believe that perhaps all is not well....and this is why she lashed out at me for no really good reason.

For this I am sorry.

I will run yesterday's email.....this is the one that she shared with her attorney.... Here it is:

Frank - I asked that you split the costs of MSM's plane ticket and tax preparation bill - as was only fair. Do you have any idea how difficult it has been to pay $$$ to help #2 with her rent? But I will do it for her - she deserves the help! I have had to pay self-employment taxes, and a lot of my expenses are not reimbursable (although those expenses that are come directly off my salary - they are not extra from the churches). Thank God, I'm not destitute, but the support will certainly help me take better care of myself and be able to do more for our children.

I never, ever said you made my life "hell." Please don't put such words into my mouth. I was miserable for many years, mostly because I didn't know what to do with our situation. I was helpless to change anything, but since you could not change, I came to the conclusion that I needed to change, and that meant leaving the marriage in order to salvage my self, my integrity, and ministry. I was so tired of being in the closet. I felt like a hypocrite in ministry even though I hadn't done anything to try to be so. What hurt most was being left on the sidelines while you took care of your intimate needs elsewhere. Part of that I can understand with your being a gay man (and, believe me, most wives would not even try). But at some point, everything became about you exploring your identity, but I had no one helping me explore my own or even trying to meet my needs, and I just kind of withered up inside and nearly died from the loneliness and grief of my loss as a wife. (The support groups you recommended were not ones I trusted bearing my soul to.) Concerning your lack of marital fidelity, you told me fairly recently "but you never told me not to..." which absolutely floored me. If the shoes had been on the other feet, I'd have been put out the door a long time ago. I just wish you had tried to understand where I was coming from; I spent most of our married life trying hard to understand your world. Frank, I know you tried too, but you didn't have a clue what moved me as a woman, and you stopped trying; finally, I stopped trying too. I was just too discouraged to go on.

We have new opportunities in front of us now. Let's each make the most of them. Lovey

My response:

Lovey:

No explanations are necessary. I fully understand your financial need. I am, as I have always been, willing to provide for your support. This has never been an issue. However, I have been waiting for the signed agreement in order to begin payments. You have not told me of any other needs other than the ones I mentioned in my email to you.

Not to argue with you, BUT...you did say that your life with me had been "hell"...this was a followup to your feeling "raw inside." These statements were made on June 9, 2005 when you announced that you wanted a divorce. Those two comments will forever be burned into my memory and have haunted me ever since. They actually make me feel like a dung heap.

From the statements in your email, you make it sound as though I willy nilly went to have my needs met and had numerous "affairs" or infidelities. I didn't. Those relatively few times that I did were out of desperation and did not begin until long after your decision to end any physical relations in the late 1980s. On top of this, you knew about my identity since 1982...and you knew how difficult it was for me to accept me for me. It still is. In spite of that you saw fit to out me to all kinds of people...mutual friends....people I didn't even know.... even when I requested that you let me be the one to make the decision of who I wanted to share with.

Contrary to your comments, many, many spouses do try to understand these issues -- many of whom have long and happy marriages together in spite of it...sometimes because of it. Yes, for some it has been embraced and strengthened some. We've discussed this many times. I'm sorry you couldn't trust your soul to some of the really solid and good support groups out there...they may have been a blessing to you had you given them a try. I hear that Alternate Paths, HUGS, and MOMs are excellent. But I can see how you would feel like a hypocrite...and feel like you were in the closet....I really do. But my gayness was never about you...it was, and sadly still is about ME.

You're right. Two or so years ago I did say that you never told me to stop exploring my identity. You didn't. You even told my mom in an email that you encouraged me to explore my identity. Had the shoes been on the other feet...and you had faced my issues...and had done what I did, my love for you at the time would have transcended any other thing. It wouldn't have been the end of the world. I would have talked to you about it...I would have gotten more involved in trying to understand it....I would have educated myself more on the issue. But, we all choose to do what we feel right doing given our knowledge at the time. I would never have put you out the door. In our case...we discussed the "infidelities" as you call them several years ago. I said how sorry I was and you said you had forgiven me. Now they come back to haunt me.... Will you ever let them honestly go?

Remember when I asked how you had supported me in our marriage? Your response was, "Well, I didn't divorce you!" This was true. While you say that you spent the majority of our marriage trying to understand "my world." How could this be when I had no idea what that world was until really in 1997 when I finally accepted the fact that I could not change. You didn't read any of the books I found like the "Other Side of the Closet," and some of the standard books. You were just too busy with your church work and pursuing your studies. What research did you do? What other wives did you talk to? What online communities did you join?

You say that I gave up trying to understand you as a woman. Well, not really. Had I stopped trying, I would have been the one seeking the divorce...quite a while ago. You see I never really stopped trying...but I think you gave up trying to see it. I think your discouragement blinded you and I got lost in the shuffle.