I Think It's Over

The 26 year friendship I had with Lovey is OVER.

And we haven’t gotten the separation agreement signed or the divorce finalized yet.

I arrived at this conclusion when I got her latest cheery communication in my email box:

You had agreed to start paying spousal support to me once I moved out of the house - or July 1,2006. You also promised me in June 2005 that you would pay off the 401(k) loans by the time I moved out - that never happened either. (If you will recall, I took back those loans from you AFTER we separated because you said you could not pay me alimony with everything else you had to pay for.) I am most disappointed that you haven't kept your word to me and bothered to help with anything substantive. Had I gone ahead and gone to the court for a judgment of temporary spousal support, you would have been paying more than I had asked, which could have caused you to have to sell the house. I didn't want that to happen to you, but you're still painting me as the "bad guy." I have been kind and not "gone after you." I'm not going to try to do anything ugly to you even now - it's not in my nature, as you well know, but I have let you take undue advantage of my good nature. I'm so sorry for you. I wish you well.

My response:

WHOAH....where did all this come from?

The spousal support starts when the separation agreement is signed. I agreed to provide you something when you moved out thinking the separation agreement would be simultaneous with your departure. Remember, you had our draft separation agreement for 9 months and I didn't see it again until July 2006. When I received it, I met with my attorney, who returned our edits very quickly to you. Then on October 5, you called and we agreed that we were down to two items: the final amount of spousal support and the issue surrounding my retirement where I had made a generous offer of the entire contents of one of my 401(k)s that had been doing very well.

In June 2005, I did agree to pay off your 401(k) loans. However, let me remind you that the only reason I did not go ahead with those payments was because you told me later on in the process that you had decided to take care of those loans if I agreed to continue paying into your other account. (Which I did.) You had the automatic withdrawals stopped -- not I. You even said in passing that I shouldn't have to be paying for everything....given the fact that I was paying #2’s school loans in addition to a lot of the other stuff including car insurance, and the fact that alimony would be starting, etc. I said that the alimony, which at that time was set for $$$$, would work out as long as I could have enough of your funds in the QDRO distributed to the outstanding loan of my TSP. The freed up funds from this loan would give me the amount to cover the $$$$. (But with your agreement as written, that QDRO will not happen until the divorce is final....and the amount of your alimony has now risen by $200. I have not made any issue about this.) I have kept paying into your other account, Your Medical, Your Cell Phone and Your Car insurance -- all without complaint. Whenever you have asked me to pay for something I have. (e.g. MSM's plane ticket to Nashville, the tax preparation bill.) You have not asked me to pay for anything else "substantive". So, if I read the below email correctly, because I agreed to your suggestion about the 401(k) loans I broke my promise?

Did you also know I was advised that I should be charging you something for room and board for the time you lived in my house? I was, but I chose not to. Why? Because I didn't want you to have any additional stressers in your life on top of your preparing for passing your interviews with the church conference, and I wanted you to be able to save up whatever funds you could from your jobs at the school and the church. Further, do you remember that I made your first car payment....willingly when you were running a bit tight. Why? To help you! I wasn't hateful.

So, in light of all this, I am very sorry that you think I am somehow taking advantage of you, when in fact I have worked very hard to accommodate you throughout this difficult process.

So what's the issue? Throughout all this, I have worked with you and agreed to your draft of the separation agreement. I have not argued or been difficult or belligerant. I have worked to cooperate in the negotiations to the utmost. Although I initially questioned your need for alimony, I did agree to the $$$$...and then provided no fuss for the additional monies you requested.

Sadly, it now appears that no matter what I try to do in this process or even over the course of our marriage.....my efforts are, and have always been misconstrued, discounted or downplayed. Will this ever change?

On June 9, 2005, you said that over the course of our marriage I had made your life hell. That was never my intention -- EVER!

Your pity is not needed.


This exchange has hurt me terribly.

26 years are gone!