Reconnection

As I continue the journey I am on to recover from 25 years of being in a straight relationship, I am dumbstruck by the fact of how I lost myself.

It was sooooooo subtle.

I am so reminded of the illustration about how, if you’re into eating frog’s legs, one cooks the frogs. Now, I’m no great cook. So I probably would get the live frogs, and throw them into boiling water and simmer. But, if I did this I am told, they would immediately jump out of the water.

If, though, you are a wise chef, you put the little guys in normal water in a pot and set them on the stove. You then turn the burner on and those little critters will be cooked and never know what hit them.

It’s because they don’t notice the change in their surroundings.

Much like me in my marriage.

I spent so much time working at keeping Lovey happy I forgot about what makes ME happy. In those early years, I was so hellbent on changing my sexuality, I would have crawled miles on broken glass through the Sahara in order to accomplish it.

I loathed myself.

I believed that I was mentally ill.

I just knew that I was bent for hell and I didn’t want to go.

People who really know me and know all about the struggles and trials I have been through (not just those I have chosen to share with you via this blog) will tell you that I was consumed with religious activities. I was there for every service and spent many hours late into the night doing something related to the church…or a service…..or a function…..or to prepare for some presentation I had volunteered to do.

This greatly complimented Lovey’s driven nature. She did the same thing. So there we were, the young married couple – Christians and proud of it. Christian and fundamental. Christian AND fundamental AND Pentecostal.

It seemed that the louder I railed against “sin” the easier it was for me to keep my “sins” in check. (Although I never did rail against homosexuality….)

To give you an idea of just how “Taliban-like” I was in those years, I thought it was a sin to go to a movie, to consume alcohol, to dance, to wear jewelry, to wear shorts, to smoke, for women to wear makeup, or for women to wear pants.
Wasn’t I the epitome of “fun”?

Then, as I came to terms with my gayness, had children (and focused on their upbringing) I began shedding that old thinking. This is where the relationship with Lovey began to deteriorate and ultimately be destroyed.

So now, in review, I see where I lost track of myself – of those things that made me happy – and my friends.

MY friends.

I became very introverted as I had been in junior high – afraid of my own shadow….but ever the overachiever.

And now, I am beginning to emerge from that darkness….that aloneness….and I’m making contacts with friends and new people.

I also reaching out to my friends in cyberspace I had been silent from for quite a while. I’ve turned the invisible feature off on my yahoo instant messenger account.

I’m back!

And, you know something?

Apparently I’ve been missed. All kinds of people have been IM-ing me wanting to know where I’ve been. That has brought about telephone calls -- catching up -- reconnecting. One guy from one of my support groups that I have been a member of for quite sometime said it best when he said, “You know Frank, you are loved by so many.”

Who knew?