Thus far, 2007 has been great!
I’m feeling well.
My family is doing well.
I’ve reconnected with a lot of my cyber pals….and I am working to reconnect with my other friends as well. I didn’t lose them overnight. As a result, it’s going to take a while to get those friendships back. It also takes time to nurture and grow new ones.
So, just from that angle, it’s going to be a busy year.
As I proceed on this journey, I’ve spent much time in a quiet solitude of thought. I’ve remembered a host of events – some not so pleasant…and others that are exquisite.
One thing that I am VERY thankful for is that this whole silly separation and divorce didn’t occur when I’m 70…or 60……or even 50. It has happened while I’m in my late 40s – hopefully giving me time to enjoy myself. After all, I am settled and hopefully a little wiser.
Isn’t it funny how we squander our youth trying to “find ourselves” and to learn to just be who we are meant to be? A gay young person, at least in the 60s and 70s when I was dealing with the issue, had it very hard.
I remember all too well the name calling, the taunts, and the finger-pointing and the laughter. The pain of being perceived as a “weirdo” or “queer” or “faggot” hurt more than can be described. For a gay youth, the old nursery rhyme “Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never harm me” didn’t apply.
Back then, in the era when being gay was classified as a mental illness/disorder, one didn’t dare discuss your issue with any of your friends….or your parents. You sat all alone in the deep dark closet – just hoping it would go away, or that you could change.
Over time, it ate at you…it made you begin to think bad thoughts about yourself. It could get you off balance. In extreme instances, it could make you hurt yourself. It could make you feel like damaged goods. Sometimes it became a self-fulfilled prophecy. You WERE damaged goods.
At that time, if you felt that way, you didn’t date. You pulled into your shell. You built impenetrable walls to protect yourself from more hurt. You threw yourself into your school work. You drove yourself. On top of this, depending on your religious upbringing, you may have over involved yourself in church, Bible study, prayer – whatever it took to lessen the pain.
So by the time you are a middle-aged man who has survived separation and divorce, it’s a bit scary to ponder your life as a single person once more. You’re used to someone always being there to talk to. It’s comforting to awaken in the middle of the night and feel that person’s warmth or hearing them breath….and to know your kids are tucked in their beds all safe and warm just down the hall.
But now, here you are….alone. Oh, you still have your kids and your trusted best friend, the family dog. But what about the other part……do you really want to have a person always around to talk to….to sleep beside……a companion to experience life with?
I just don’t know.
A number of my cyber buds have assumed that I would be hitting the street and aggressively looking for a long term relationship (LTR) or at least giving guys test drives right and left. I always respond, “I need to recover a bit from my last LTR.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t have much experience at dating. I find myself being shy around men that make my heart leap from my chest….or the ones with the smile that lights up the room……..or the body that I would literally die for.
When someone flirts, I don’t know how to react.
I know. This is all so very sad.
On top of everything else, I’ve had to deal with a boatload of self-esteem issues including my own self image. Just now at age 48 I am seeing little glimmers of confidence to feel that I’m attractive.
After all, gay culture is brutal to us middle age hunks. A lot of us aren’t gym bunnies – and that age thing? Age is just a number. Middle age means you’re not 25 any more.
A number of my buds are still married. They all say, “Man, if I were in your shoes, I’d really be in heaven.” They haven’t really given much thought that there’s a bit of hell to experience first.
3 comments:
I do not think that looking for a LTR is useful, nor do I think avoiding one is a good idea either. But being open to those people that God puts in our path is. Who are those people? They are the people we meet as we do the things that make us alive. They sometimes have great bods, sometimes less so but for some reason make us feel more alive when we are around them. When we are really lucky they flirt with us, what a great compliment and gift, thank them and then thank God.
Nicely said Rick
I don't envy you - well, I envy you a bit - but it made me laugh when you said those things about yr figure. I seem to remember you hauling me over the coals when I said something similar ...
jas
It is that hell you speak of that keeps me where I am for the time being.
You so excellently captured the experience of my youth in your description and the difficulty of admitting who/what you were then, the pressure to convince yourself that you were not.
Post a Comment