Spent yesterday evening with my gay buds from church. We had a cookout, but due to the rain, we stayed inside and feasted on hamburgers, hotdogs, potato salad, macaroni salad, seven-layer salad, chips, salsa, soda, and for desert we had fresh strawberries on an angel food cake with whip cream.
All very tasty.
We then went our separate ways to watch various fireworks displays. I drove home to watch the Capital 4th on PBS. Since we had seen the rehearsal of that performance the night before down on the national mall, I wanted to see how it differed from the final. It was really good and was shown in high definition.
This morning I have a doctor's appointment and then I return home to continue cleaning this pig sty. ICK.
Hopefully it will all be quiet.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
It's Independence Day!
This is Independence Day!
Yup...it's when we celebrate the day that we became independent from England's rule in 1776. It is quite an amazing legacy...
So, as my clothes wash....and I'm doing home chores, I'm sitting here contemplating the whole concept of independence.
As a single gay man, just exactly what day should I use as my "Independence Day?"
Would it be June 9, 2005? After all, that is the day that Lovey separated from me. Although, at the time, I was devestate and felt I could not manage to go forward....I was an independent entity. I didn't know what all that meant, or even if I could function independently...but nonetheless, I was.
Would it be June 20, 2006? That's the day Lovey loaded up her moving van, took all the furniture, and vacated the premises. I was left alone....with my dog and #1 to pick up the pieces and figure out what the next move would be. I remember being so afraid of trying to decorate my house. All my esteem was gone and the years of being told that I had no taste or no sense of color left me as a wreck.
Would it be March 15, 2007? That's the day Lovey and I finally had a separation agreement that was legal and signed. It instituted alimony....and told us that we could behave as "unmarried" people....see people....whatever. That signed document really affected me at the time. It made things concrete...and yes it was all really happening.
Would it be May 29, 2007? That's the day that the divorce became final! How I mourned. It devestated me.
Hmmm....it's now July 4, 2008 and anyway you look at it, I am independent of Lovey and her illustrious family.
It's finally okay!
I am well and happy.
And the thing that I have found that makes it best is the fact that I have a host of wonderful friends that love and care about me. We care for each other. It's not anything we have to earn...it just happens. AND...my sphere of friends continue to expand....and more are welcomed into my midst. I've learned the art of friendship....and it's coming more and more naturally to me.
I'm just sorry I didn't practice this art during the 25.5 years with Lovey.
So, it's Independence Day! Regardless of when I became independent, it's a good day.
And I'm happy to be here!
Stay safe all!
Thursday, July 03, 2008
The Day Before a Holiday!
Here I sit in the early morning....waiting for the shirt that I plan on wearing to dewrinkle in the dryer. It has been a wonderful few days and I pray that they continue on.
Since I got my med imbalance straightened out, I feel absolutely fabulous! I have energy and just have an overall sense of wellbeing.
Tonight is the rehearsal for the wonderful 4th of July celebration on the mall in DC that is televised tomorrow night. I'm going with several of my gay friends to park on the lawn and watch the run through. It should be a pleasant evening and I look forwrd to spending time with my buds.
The rest of the weekend is going to be very quiet. I'm working on cleaning the house and getting rid of some junk since I'm having a house guest next Friday for the weekend. We've got several things planned and it will be nice having him around.
I've got massive amounts of laundry to do, including bed linens, towels, my clothes, undies, etc. So, I won't be lacking for a lot to do.
I do plan to write here, so in your holiday festivities, don't forget to check here.
Happy Independence Day!
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
A Note From Lovey!
"Frank - Do you have time to check out flights for #1 from El Salvador for a Thanksgiving trip? I'm hoping to be home for Thanksgiving, but it probably won't be until the day of -- Thursday. I don't know your plans right now, but I'm guessing you'd like to go with her to WV if possible, and that makes sense so that she can see her grandparents. I might be willing to joing you there IF your folks and you were okay with it. If that doesn't work out, I'd like to have her for a couple of days at my house if she is up to it.
Just trying to think ahead.
Also, I'll be having to videotape my sermons for ordination. I'll now more later. I hope to do the required sermon over the next few months -- possibly August, September and October (if I'm not happy with one of the other two). Would you be interested in doing the taping for me?
Blessings,
LOVEY"
A "Near Miss!"
Well, the stomach thing has passed and so has the sleeplessness.
Both were connected to the fact that I had gone without my thyroid meds for a couple of days…. I felt “ooky.”
Never again will I go without those meds….no matter how inconvenient…or that I feel that “I can do without” for a day or so.
Forget it!
It was awful.
Thankfully I’m now back on track and feeling wonderfully well.
On top of all this I think I have just had a near miss in the love department. Yup….spent some time with a guy who is about 5 years older than me last week. Of course, me being the slow to react kind of person that I am, I played down my attraction to him…..and just followed what some of you have told me to do over time: just be myself….and let the true, caring, loving and gentle Frank show through.
So, I did.
He and I spent a significant hunk of time together. Near the end of his visit he mentioned that he owns a cabin near a resort area about 4 hours away. Would I be interested in going on an overnight there with him sometime?
I looked at him and smiled.
“Sure, “ I said. “I’d love to go.”
Last night he tried calling me a couple of times at home...and left a message. (I was out helping my new Associate Pastor move into his new place.) He also tried my cell phone! The message on my home number that asked I call him on his cell anytime today.
So, I did. We chatted for a while. Near the end of the conversation he said, “Frank, I have to tell you that I really do enjoy you. You’re everything I’ve been looking for. BUT….”
I always hate the “buts”….sometimes they are just breathtaking…. You get zinged…and feel your heart drop through the floor….
This time it wasn’t so bad….
“But….” He continued, “You and I live two hours apart and this is my only concern!”
I answered with a chuckle, “Ah….this is just the story of my life. I always seem to stir the interest of people billions of miles away, or they are married……or they are partnered!”
“Well, if you’d like to get together and we can see how this goes, I’m open,” he said. “I’d still like for you to see my cabin.”
“Great!” I said. “Just let me know what works for you….I’m pretty flexible.”
So, I guess this is a “near miss.”
Both were connected to the fact that I had gone without my thyroid meds for a couple of days…. I felt “ooky.”
Never again will I go without those meds….no matter how inconvenient…or that I feel that “I can do without” for a day or so.
Forget it!
It was awful.
Thankfully I’m now back on track and feeling wonderfully well.
On top of all this I think I have just had a near miss in the love department. Yup….spent some time with a guy who is about 5 years older than me last week. Of course, me being the slow to react kind of person that I am, I played down my attraction to him…..and just followed what some of you have told me to do over time: just be myself….and let the true, caring, loving and gentle Frank show through.
So, I did.
He and I spent a significant hunk of time together. Near the end of his visit he mentioned that he owns a cabin near a resort area about 4 hours away. Would I be interested in going on an overnight there with him sometime?
I looked at him and smiled.
“Sure, “ I said. “I’d love to go.”
Last night he tried calling me a couple of times at home...and left a message. (I was out helping my new Associate Pastor move into his new place.) He also tried my cell phone! The message on my home number that asked I call him on his cell anytime today.
So, I did. We chatted for a while. Near the end of the conversation he said, “Frank, I have to tell you that I really do enjoy you. You’re everything I’ve been looking for. BUT….”
I always hate the “buts”….sometimes they are just breathtaking…. You get zinged…and feel your heart drop through the floor….
This time it wasn’t so bad….
“But….” He continued, “You and I live two hours apart and this is my only concern!”
I answered with a chuckle, “Ah….this is just the story of my life. I always seem to stir the interest of people billions of miles away, or they are married……or they are partnered!”
“Well, if you’d like to get together and we can see how this goes, I’m open,” he said. “I’d still like for you to see my cabin.”
“Great!” I said. “Just let me know what works for you….I’m pretty flexible.”
So, I guess this is a “near miss.”
Monday, June 30, 2008
Back in the Groove ...I guess
Well, this is the beginning of my second week back from my trips. I'm still not in what I would consider to be "The Groove." My stomach has been a mess and I have been having trouble sleeping. Every noise.....the a/c kicking on.....car doors slamming.......the dog snoring......all have awakened me at various hours throughout the night. By the arrival of dawn...I feel like I've been run over by a fleet of dump trucks and a couple of freight trains.
Such is my life.
I have had a lot on my mind.
Still working to figure out more about who I am.
Trying to determine my next move in terms of relationships....am I relationship material?
I swear, with the failed marriage in my background I don't feel like I'm too good at love. It feels like even though I have a tremendous capacity for love....it hasn't served me too well. At least in a relationship with a woman, that is.
Although I picture life with a man to be a vast improvement...I know that some issues carry over. So, will I make some guy a great life partner?
I'd like to think so.
However, in the back of my mind, I'm afraid.
Very afraid.
I'm afraid to open up and let the men in my life know how I feel.
I'm afraid to trust.
I'm afraid to be vulnerable.
AH....so much to think about and I'm tired.
Such is my life.
I have had a lot on my mind.
Still working to figure out more about who I am.
Trying to determine my next move in terms of relationships....am I relationship material?
I swear, with the failed marriage in my background I don't feel like I'm too good at love. It feels like even though I have a tremendous capacity for love....it hasn't served me too well. At least in a relationship with a woman, that is.
Although I picture life with a man to be a vast improvement...I know that some issues carry over. So, will I make some guy a great life partner?
I'd like to think so.
However, in the back of my mind, I'm afraid.
Very afraid.
I'm afraid to open up and let the men in my life know how I feel.
I'm afraid to trust.
I'm afraid to be vulnerable.
AH....so much to think about and I'm tired.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Am I Crazy or What?
Normally I am a very conscientious man about all that do. I'm a perfectionist and at times I drive myself crazy in my quest for doing everything well or at least to the best of my abilities.
This transcends every aspect of my life. I've alluded to this in some earlier postings because this is why I had some of the problems with the breakup of the marriage that I had. I didn't just want to have a marriage, but it had to be the perfect one....and I had to be the perfect husband...inspite of the major flaw I have...and that was being a gay man in a straight marriage.
I do not recommend that kind of life for anyone -- no matter what pressures you face or how much you want to "change." It just doesn't work and you will circumvent a lot of pain and suffering if you don't marry in the first place.
But I digress.
My perfection extends to the chore of paying my bills.
Some background:
In the closing years of the marriage, Lovey went through money like water. She would not think twice about going shopping on a given Saturday to the local thrift shop. She'd drag in all manner of junk and sometimes spend to the tune of $500 or more! This was all in the name of finding bargains and "saving money."
She wouldn't consult the balance in the checkbook.
She just expected the money to always be there. (I suppose Jesus was always standing by at the ready to rush to the bank and make a deposit to cover these expenditures....at least in her mind.) In reality, it was me who was always juggling funds....robbing Peter to pay Paul and the 12 Disciples. Then she would nail me for credit card bills.
Throughout the marriage, she never acknowledged the fact that it was she who bounced checks right and left or spent money.....or sank our credit rating.
It was AWFUL!
VERY AWFUL!
I'll never forget just how happy and excited I was the day she was taken off my bank accounts and credit accounts!
I've managed my funds....and not bounced a single check ever since!
I'm meticulous about my bills....and through my hard work, I've worked to improve my credit rating...and to bounce back from the brink of financial ruin.
The divorce was an expensive proposition....the legal bills......buying needed furniture......etc. But it is all coming together...FINALLY.
So imagine my chagrine when I received an automated call from my mortgage company last night informing me that my mortgage payment for June had not yet been received! I panicked.....this couldn't be.
But I hadn't.
I haven't any ideas how I missed it. It totally escapes me.
The month before, I had forgotten my car payment!
The only explanation that I can figure is that these past two months have been very busy with my birthday celebration and the return of my son from Iraq and then turning around and getting him to Ft. Worth!
I guess I was just way too focused on my children....and all my other activities.
I just hope it isn't the onset of Alzheimer's....
This transcends every aspect of my life. I've alluded to this in some earlier postings because this is why I had some of the problems with the breakup of the marriage that I had. I didn't just want to have a marriage, but it had to be the perfect one....and I had to be the perfect husband...inspite of the major flaw I have...and that was being a gay man in a straight marriage.
I do not recommend that kind of life for anyone -- no matter what pressures you face or how much you want to "change." It just doesn't work and you will circumvent a lot of pain and suffering if you don't marry in the first place.
But I digress.
My perfection extends to the chore of paying my bills.
Some background:
In the closing years of the marriage, Lovey went through money like water. She would not think twice about going shopping on a given Saturday to the local thrift shop. She'd drag in all manner of junk and sometimes spend to the tune of $500 or more! This was all in the name of finding bargains and "saving money."
She wouldn't consult the balance in the checkbook.
She just expected the money to always be there. (I suppose Jesus was always standing by at the ready to rush to the bank and make a deposit to cover these expenditures....at least in her mind.) In reality, it was me who was always juggling funds....robbing Peter to pay Paul and the 12 Disciples. Then she would nail me for credit card bills.
Throughout the marriage, she never acknowledged the fact that it was she who bounced checks right and left or spent money.....or sank our credit rating.
It was AWFUL!
VERY AWFUL!
I'll never forget just how happy and excited I was the day she was taken off my bank accounts and credit accounts!
I've managed my funds....and not bounced a single check ever since!
I'm meticulous about my bills....and through my hard work, I've worked to improve my credit rating...and to bounce back from the brink of financial ruin.
The divorce was an expensive proposition....the legal bills......buying needed furniture......etc. But it is all coming together...FINALLY.
So imagine my chagrine when I received an automated call from my mortgage company last night informing me that my mortgage payment for June had not yet been received! I panicked.....this couldn't be.
But I hadn't.
I haven't any ideas how I missed it. It totally escapes me.
The month before, I had forgotten my car payment!
The only explanation that I can figure is that these past two months have been very busy with my birthday celebration and the return of my son from Iraq and then turning around and getting him to Ft. Worth!
I guess I was just way too focused on my children....and all my other activities.
I just hope it isn't the onset of Alzheimer's....
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I'm Back!
What a trip and busy time!
It certainly was relaxing and quite enjoyable to get to spend some extensive quality time with two of my children and my parents. However, all the good times were tempered by the death of one of my few remaining uncles. Dad took it quite hard...but made it through the wake and funeral.
I've had some adjustment problems here returning to my usual routine. Sleeping at night has been rough...just because for the past eight weeks or so I have had someone here at the house...and now it is empty. I awaken upon hearing every sound. So, I'm somewhat exhausted.
REFLECTIONS
I learned a lot about myself during the trip though.
For a long time now I've mused about having a boyfriend or a partner or ultimately a husband -- someone that I can grow old with and journey through life with. I've focused on the loneliness that I feel and the fact that I had a indelible ache in my heart as a result of the breakup with Lovey.
This trip showed me that I have indeed adjusted quite well to the single life....and that I actually enjoy my alone time -- so much in fact that I now wonder if in fact if I truly am partner or bf material. I found myself to get quite antsy and frustrated when I didn't have time for me. I hope this doesn't come across as selfish. It's not meant to be....but it just seems to be a new characteristic of the man that I now am.
I think that all this has surfaced as a result of the fact that the dust has pretty much settled from the divorce and I am able to concentrate on what my true feelings are without the murkiness inflicted by the separation and divorce....and my overall neediness.
My kids would love for me to settle down and be happy. I guess I just need to know what all that means -- for me. I just want to live quietly.....and happily........go to work......go to church........enjoy my friends........take trips.......pet my dog.....and just be.
Life is so full of twists and turns.
Who knows what type of man I will ultimately become and if indeed I do enter into a committed relationship with someone?
It certainly was relaxing and quite enjoyable to get to spend some extensive quality time with two of my children and my parents. However, all the good times were tempered by the death of one of my few remaining uncles. Dad took it quite hard...but made it through the wake and funeral.
I've had some adjustment problems here returning to my usual routine. Sleeping at night has been rough...just because for the past eight weeks or so I have had someone here at the house...and now it is empty. I awaken upon hearing every sound. So, I'm somewhat exhausted.
REFLECTIONS
I learned a lot about myself during the trip though.
For a long time now I've mused about having a boyfriend or a partner or ultimately a husband -- someone that I can grow old with and journey through life with. I've focused on the loneliness that I feel and the fact that I had a indelible ache in my heart as a result of the breakup with Lovey.
This trip showed me that I have indeed adjusted quite well to the single life....and that I actually enjoy my alone time -- so much in fact that I now wonder if in fact if I truly am partner or bf material. I found myself to get quite antsy and frustrated when I didn't have time for me. I hope this doesn't come across as selfish. It's not meant to be....but it just seems to be a new characteristic of the man that I now am.
I think that all this has surfaced as a result of the fact that the dust has pretty much settled from the divorce and I am able to concentrate on what my true feelings are without the murkiness inflicted by the separation and divorce....and my overall neediness.
My kids would love for me to settle down and be happy. I guess I just need to know what all that means -- for me. I just want to live quietly.....and happily........go to work......go to church........enjoy my friends........take trips.......pet my dog.....and just be.
Life is so full of twists and turns.
Who knows what type of man I will ultimately become and if indeed I do enter into a committed relationship with someone?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A Death in West Virginia
Josh and I arrived safely in Ft. Worth on Thursday Evening....well really it was in the very wee hours of Friday morning. It took us a very long time for us to find a hotel with any vacancies -- a convention of some type was in town and they took up all the available rooms in close proximity to downtown. It so happened that we wound up a little bit away from downtown in a wonderfully quiet COURTYARD by Marriott not far from the base that my son will be working on.
He checked in and as it turns out, is not required to fully report for duty until Monday morning. In the meantime, he and I have been having a good time just hanging out and exploring his new environs. He's about the age I was when I moved to the DC area...so I can relate quite well with all the stuff he is probably going through emotionally.
Laura, from Nashville, went to see her grandparents in WV this weekend. She arrived on Friday evening and is going to be returning this afternoon. She phoned me yesterday to say that one of my dad's three surviving siblings passed away yesterday...and he is taking it pretty hard.
This was my Uncle John, who had been in pretty poor health for quite sometime. Here recently he's been shuttling between a nursing home and the hospital. In some respects, his passing is probably a relief to all his immediate survivors. His son Johnny died last year. This means that he only has one daughter surviving him. My goodness, my heart goes out to her.
All this leaves me to wonder about whether I need to go to the funeral with my dad. I'd fly home tonight....get in the car tomorrow.....and drive back there....and stay a day or so.
I'm pretty exhausted from having spent so much time on the road this past week. I just need to find out when the arrangements are scheduled.
He checked in and as it turns out, is not required to fully report for duty until Monday morning. In the meantime, he and I have been having a good time just hanging out and exploring his new environs. He's about the age I was when I moved to the DC area...so I can relate quite well with all the stuff he is probably going through emotionally.
Laura, from Nashville, went to see her grandparents in WV this weekend. She arrived on Friday evening and is going to be returning this afternoon. She phoned me yesterday to say that one of my dad's three surviving siblings passed away yesterday...and he is taking it pretty hard.
This was my Uncle John, who had been in pretty poor health for quite sometime. Here recently he's been shuttling between a nursing home and the hospital. In some respects, his passing is probably a relief to all his immediate survivors. His son Johnny died last year. This means that he only has one daughter surviving him. My goodness, my heart goes out to her.
All this leaves me to wonder about whether I need to go to the funeral with my dad. I'd fly home tonight....get in the car tomorrow.....and drive back there....and stay a day or so.
I'm pretty exhausted from having spent so much time on the road this past week. I just need to find out when the arrangements are scheduled.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Goodbye Nashville!
My bags are all packed up. I'm sitting here in the lobby waiting for my son to bring all of us stuff down so that we can load up the car and begin the final leg of our journey to Ft. Worth, TX.
It has been a great trip with the boy so far. Even moreso because I got to spend time with him and his older sister!
Yesterday he and I headed over to The Hermitage, the home of Andrew Jackson. For me, it's always interesting to see these historic sites and get a feel for how people lived in the olden days. (I couldn't have done it -- for sure.)
It was not all stress free though. We met #2 for lunch and during the meal, the two siblings began a very emotionally charged discussion about their mother. To hear them talk made me feel so sad.....and highlighted once more my feelings of sorrow, regret, and yes, failure.
Because the conversation was so volatile, I remained silent. At one point I had to leave the table for the men's room because all the "Lovey" talk made me literally sick to my stomach. I stayed away at least fifteen minutes.....and got myself together.
Why does talk like this upset me so? I can't control how she treats the kids....or how she did in the past and how now they resent her and all that she stands for. The marine doesn't forget much...and he certainly went down the list for his sister. She, as it turns out, has her own lists of things that her mom has done...and she plans to discuss them with her sometime.
It left me wrung out.
Whereas my issues appear to have settled a good deal.....theirs appear to be only now surfacing.
Will this stuff ever end?
It has been a great trip with the boy so far. Even moreso because I got to spend time with him and his older sister!
Yesterday he and I headed over to The Hermitage, the home of Andrew Jackson. For me, it's always interesting to see these historic sites and get a feel for how people lived in the olden days. (I couldn't have done it -- for sure.)
It was not all stress free though. We met #2 for lunch and during the meal, the two siblings began a very emotionally charged discussion about their mother. To hear them talk made me feel so sad.....and highlighted once more my feelings of sorrow, regret, and yes, failure.
Because the conversation was so volatile, I remained silent. At one point I had to leave the table for the men's room because all the "Lovey" talk made me literally sick to my stomach. I stayed away at least fifteen minutes.....and got myself together.
Why does talk like this upset me so? I can't control how she treats the kids....or how she did in the past and how now they resent her and all that she stands for. The marine doesn't forget much...and he certainly went down the list for his sister. She, as it turns out, has her own lists of things that her mom has done...and she plans to discuss them with her sometime.
It left me wrung out.
Whereas my issues appear to have settled a good deal.....theirs appear to be only now surfacing.
Will this stuff ever end?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Greetings From Nashville, TN
Here I am in Music City, USA. Not much Internet service, but I do have time to draft a quick update.
We got here early evening, after having spent a wonderful weekend with my parents' in Huntington, WV. Daughter #2 joined us when we arrived and we had a splendid dinner at her favorite Mexican restaurant. We then headed to her place to pick up some of her gear and she spent the night at our hotel.
Things surely have changed...and I believe for the better. My son appears to have grown out of a lot of his "issues"...and appears to be settling down into young adulthood. He and his sister spent a lot of time talking....and laughing. I just watched from across the table as they conversed.
It really was quite rewarding.
My son and I have spent a lot of quality time talking about a host of issues. It's the first time I can remember where he has been able to articulate his feelings. This is a very big step.
Today he and I are going to explore Nashville a bit. Then, have lunch with #2 at her office. Then, we're going to explore more...and wait for her to join us after work. We'll leave tomorrow morning for Ft. Worth!
This is turning out to be a WONDERFUL adventure with my kids!
We got here early evening, after having spent a wonderful weekend with my parents' in Huntington, WV. Daughter #2 joined us when we arrived and we had a splendid dinner at her favorite Mexican restaurant. We then headed to her place to pick up some of her gear and she spent the night at our hotel.
Things surely have changed...and I believe for the better. My son appears to have grown out of a lot of his "issues"...and appears to be settling down into young adulthood. He and his sister spent a lot of time talking....and laughing. I just watched from across the table as they conversed.
It really was quite rewarding.
My son and I have spent a lot of quality time talking about a host of issues. It's the first time I can remember where he has been able to articulate his feelings. This is a very big step.
Today he and I are going to explore Nashville a bit. Then, have lunch with #2 at her office. Then, we're going to explore more...and wait for her to join us after work. We'll leave tomorrow morning for Ft. Worth!
This is turning out to be a WONDERFUL adventure with my kids!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Frank & Josh's Excellent Adventure Begins
Well, it's almost time for me to get into the trusty old car and head to Texas with my son.
I've been looking forward to this trip for as son as he first discussed the possibility of me doing it with him while he was still in Iraq. This means that we will be sleeping in the same room with each other -- eating all our meals together -- and spending several hours per day in the same car together as we travel. It should be fun. But I have kiddingly added: "If we don't kill each other first!"
Hopefully this will give us a chance to tear down some walls that he has erected. Ever since he went through adolescence, he's been distant -- almost aloof in how he handles us, his family. I think it stems back to his childhood which was a very traumatic one. We were his second adopted family. His birth family and his first adopted family were very dysfunctional.....and he was somewhat abused at some of the most critical moments of his life....when he was learning to love and to trust. My family is dysfunctional too....but as I have said here, and also as I have told the marine, "We put the FUN in dysFUNctional!" On top of this we have never been abusive to him.....and everything we have done has been surrounded in love. So, for all of our problems, we did have love for the little guy.
I've already seen new sides of him surfacing -- there's a kindness and softness there that hasn't been there. There's consideration, manners, a "thank you" when you've done something meaningful for him. AND, on top of everything, it was his idea that we go on this trip together.
So we begin tonight....our "EXCELLENT ADVENTURE" from DC to Ft. Worth, Texas.
WOW!
So y'all, I'm not sure what computer access I will have. Therefore, this is going to be my last post officially until I return home on June 22. If I can write while on the road, I will.
Thanks for bearing with me....and remember us in your thoughts and prayers.
I've been looking forward to this trip for as son as he first discussed the possibility of me doing it with him while he was still in Iraq. This means that we will be sleeping in the same room with each other -- eating all our meals together -- and spending several hours per day in the same car together as we travel. It should be fun. But I have kiddingly added: "If we don't kill each other first!"
Hopefully this will give us a chance to tear down some walls that he has erected. Ever since he went through adolescence, he's been distant -- almost aloof in how he handles us, his family. I think it stems back to his childhood which was a very traumatic one. We were his second adopted family. His birth family and his first adopted family were very dysfunctional.....and he was somewhat abused at some of the most critical moments of his life....when he was learning to love and to trust. My family is dysfunctional too....but as I have said here, and also as I have told the marine, "We put the FUN in dysFUNctional!" On top of this we have never been abusive to him.....and everything we have done has been surrounded in love. So, for all of our problems, we did have love for the little guy.
I've already seen new sides of him surfacing -- there's a kindness and softness there that hasn't been there. There's consideration, manners, a "thank you" when you've done something meaningful for him. AND, on top of everything, it was his idea that we go on this trip together.
So we begin tonight....our "EXCELLENT ADVENTURE" from DC to Ft. Worth, Texas.
WOW!
So y'all, I'm not sure what computer access I will have. Therefore, this is going to be my last post officially until I return home on June 22. If I can write while on the road, I will.
Thanks for bearing with me....and remember us in your thoughts and prayers.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Another Really Good Day!
Today was another really great day. I was busy at the office....I love the rush of having lots to do. On top of that, I touched base with my son early in the day. He decided that he would like to join me in the Men's Bible Study that my church sponsors every month. Since he missed church last Sunday, he wanted to say goodbye to some of my friends and thought that the Bible Study would be a great way to do it given the fact that he would be unable to be in church again before we leave on Friday night for Texas and other points West.
He was just so comfortable....and the guys were certainly on their best behaviors. I think my son now understands what great and precious friends these men actually are.
I'm now home.....and tired......and need to get into bed so that I can sleep really well before tomorrow, which promises to be another busy day. Plus tomorrow night, I have to pack and get everything ready for me to go on my trip on Friday!
I'm really looking forward to this time away. I'm excited about spending time with my son.
So, keep me in your prayers!
He was just so comfortable....and the guys were certainly on their best behaviors. I think my son now understands what great and precious friends these men actually are.
I'm now home.....and tired......and need to get into bed so that I can sleep really well before tomorrow, which promises to be another busy day. Plus tomorrow night, I have to pack and get everything ready for me to go on my trip on Friday!
I'm really looking forward to this time away. I'm excited about spending time with my son.
So, keep me in your prayers!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Hot Day!
Another scorcher here on the East Coast. We have severe T-storm watches and possibly an isolated tornadic threat until 10pm. Thankfully I have been working inside here at the office and it has been chilly and I've gotten lots done.
As I type this, I'm working late...just trying to get lots done so that when I return from Texas in a couple of week, things won't be as bad.
I've talked with all three of the kids today. They seem quite well and happy. #1 is excited about the refrigerator she was able to purchase with her birthday money I gave her. I actually paid for it, but Lovey came through and reimbursed me for half. Lovey also finally paid me for her half of the tin roof we got for her earlier in the spring.
#2 in Nashville is getting ready to celebrate her birthday. She's surrounding herself with a ton of friends and is planning a good time. I'm excited about getting to spend a little time with her as my son and I pass through Nashville on our way to Texas. Her birthday is this Saturday and I will be getting to Nashville on Monday or Tuesday for a couple of days.
My son is working at getting his car serviced....and his uniforms all prepped for check in on June 21.
So all is well.
I'm enjoying my life.
Today.
As I type this, I'm working late...just trying to get lots done so that when I return from Texas in a couple of week, things won't be as bad.
I've talked with all three of the kids today. They seem quite well and happy. #1 is excited about the refrigerator she was able to purchase with her birthday money I gave her. I actually paid for it, but Lovey came through and reimbursed me for half. Lovey also finally paid me for her half of the tin roof we got for her earlier in the spring.
#2 in Nashville is getting ready to celebrate her birthday. She's surrounding herself with a ton of friends and is planning a good time. I'm excited about getting to spend a little time with her as my son and I pass through Nashville on our way to Texas. Her birthday is this Saturday and I will be getting to Nashville on Monday or Tuesday for a couple of days.
My son is working at getting his car serviced....and his uniforms all prepped for check in on June 21.
So all is well.
I'm enjoying my life.
Today.
Imagine That!
I had a very quiet weekend.....ON PURPOSE. I did a few things around the house. My son was nowhere to be found. So, I just took it easy and enjoyed the solitude.
However, on Sunday afternoon I did receive a call from my best friend. He called to see if I would go with him to his beach house in Wildwood, NJ. So, since I wasn't really doing much of anything, I said, "Sure!" Was able to make last minute arrangements for the dog, threw some items into an overnight bag, and off we went! We got there about 7pm on Sunday....and started washing windows, getting rid of trash, and trying to figure out what needed replacing that would make the house look a little more appealing.
Sunday night late we were able to sneak off to the beach and the boardwalk. I had my trusty digital camera...and was able to get this picture of one of the amusement piers with the famed Wildwood Ferris Wheel.
Monday morning we were up early....continuing with window duty....scrubbing the kitchen counters.....the bathroom....had carpet laid by Home Depot....installed new blinds....cut down the doors in the house so that they would fit nicely over the new carpet without dragging the carpet or picking it.... The realtor arrived and now she's got the house on the market for $319,000, actually a great deal when you consider that the land is worth more...and someone could come and tear down the house and make a palace on the property. I actually fantasized about doing it myself...but...my finances are not THAT settled yet.
At one point I needed a break from the heat. My friend told me to take his air conditioned car and go check out the local lighthouse while the carpet was being installed. He was watching over that and there was nothing really left for me to do, so I jumped at the chance. Again, with my trusty digital camera, I took this picture of it...and of some of the flowers around the place.
The worst thing about all this was the very bad heat. .
The house has no a/c to speak of and AT&T Wireless had a very BIG outage that began at 7:04 a.m. in the northeast down through southern NJ -- right where we were. Phones did not start working until late last night....when we were almost home. Didn't really make it home until early this morning.
So, as soon as I got home, I died. I was so exhausted I could hardly speak.
As I drifted off to sleep I suddenly realized that I had passed yet another anniversary. Three years ago yesterday is when Lovey lowered the boom and said that she wanted a divorce!
I didn't get sad.
I didn't get depressed.
I didn't cry.
I just rolled over, shut my eyes, and I went to sleep.
Imagine that!
However, on Sunday afternoon I did receive a call from my best friend. He called to see if I would go with him to his beach house in Wildwood, NJ. So, since I wasn't really doing much of anything, I said, "Sure!" Was able to make last minute arrangements for the dog, threw some items into an overnight bag, and off we went! We got there about 7pm on Sunday....and started washing windows, getting rid of trash, and trying to figure out what needed replacing that would make the house look a little more appealing.
Sunday night late we were able to sneak off to the beach and the boardwalk. I had my trusty digital camera...and was able to get this picture of one of the amusement piers with the famed Wildwood Ferris Wheel. Monday morning we were up early....continuing with window duty....scrubbing the kitchen counters.....the bathroom....had carpet laid by Home Depot....installed new blinds....cut down the doors in the house so that they would fit nicely over the new carpet without dragging the carpet or picking it.... The realtor arrived and now she's got the house on the market for $319,000, actually a great deal when you consider that the land is worth more...and someone could come and tear down the house and make a palace on the property. I actually fantasized about doing it myself...but...my finances are not THAT settled yet.
At one point I needed a break from the heat. My friend told me to take his air conditioned car and go check out the local lighthouse while the carpet was being installed. He was watching over that and there was nothing really left for me to do, so I jumped at the chance. Again, with my trusty digital camera, I took this picture of it...and of some of the flowers around the place.The worst thing about all this was the very bad heat. .
The house has no a/c to speak of and AT&T Wireless had a very BIG outage that began at 7:04 a.m. in the northeast down through southern NJ -- right where we were. Phones did not start working until late last night....when we were almost home. Didn't really make it home until early this morning.
So, as soon as I got home, I died. I was so exhausted I could hardly speak.
As I drifted off to sleep I suddenly realized that I had passed yet another anniversary. Three years ago yesterday is when Lovey lowered the boom and said that she wanted a divorce!
I didn't get sad.
I didn't get depressed.
I didn't cry.
I just rolled over, shut my eyes, and I went to sleep.
Imagine that!
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Dream on....
Thank you Julie for your insightful comments to my last post. I think you articulated perfectly what I have been feeling since the demise of my marriage. Lots of people have told me that with a long term relationship like what I had with Lovey, there would be a period of mourning akin to that which one goes through when a close relative dies.
I could not agree more.
But, each day does get better.
Now, more than anything, I think when I get sad, I'm mourning the old life -- the old straight appearing one and all the benefits that come along with it.
You feel the acceptance of having the wife, the house, the kids, the cars, the career, the dog....blah...blah.
But when the wife leaves....and you're all alone......even though you have the house, the kids, the cars, the career, the dog.......it feels strange being alone. You feel like only part of a person. The smugness you once had about having a mate....(even though she wasn't perfect....and she wasn't your dream man.....at least you had her.) is gone.
The number one fear I have is growing old alone....dying alone......being alone.
But in all honesty....having my son here has made me question if I really need/want to be someone's life partner. Oh, there are moments when I'd love to have someone around....but gosh, I certainly do enjoy my alone time and of having things where I left them, keeping my house spotless and organized.
The mess that my son has left drives me CRAZY.
So, if this were Frank's world.....and I could have it all the way I wanted it, what would that look like?
Well, a boyfriend might be nice -- one that I could send home from time-to-time. But, what is a boyfriend relationship in the gay world like...really? I dream of having someone totally love me.....not for what they want me to be...but just as I am -- the lines, the sagging belly.....the warts....moles....and all.....
I'd love a guy with little or no issues.....who basically has his act together. I realize that at times I had more issues than TIME and NEWSWEEK put together, but I think I've put the majority of those away.
I'd love faithfulness....someone that is there for me...and puts me first. I crave a relationship where I am not leftovers.....I'm not the "other woman"......or "the other man". I'd love a man on whom I could lean sometimes......where I didn't feel like the dominant one all the time. Someone who could lead and let me follow at times.
I'd love a relationship where the physical aspects are a normal outgrowth of what is going on internally for both parties..... the manifestation of a strong emotional connection. I don't want a relationship that's only motivation is the activities that take place between the sheets......or it stops when the moaning does.
I've seen so much in the gay world that makes me begin to feel that all my aspirations are dreams......and in the real world, they have no basis in fact.
Am I silly?
Are there other men out there like me?
How do you find them?
Then, when you do, how do you pique their interest? How do you make them notice you?
Especially when you're shy....and afraid.
Like me.
Friday, June 06, 2008
A Change of Heart
I survived the dinner last night.
It was colossally stressful….and in the end I am left to wonder why I expended so much time and energy to have it all happen.
I guess as the patriarch of the family….the broken family as we used to call families of divorce back when I was a kid…..I suppose that I am still trying to fix things. I want to see all members of my family get along. I want to heal hurts. I want to take away any pain that anyone feels. Most of all, I don’t want to be the one that engenders the pain.
I loathe controversy or arguments or discomfort and the like.
So, my attempts to build a bridge between Lovey and her son failed.
Miserably.
She’s certainly not going to change.
He’s just as stubborn.
So there they sat on the deck at her mother’s home – Lovey pontificating – the grandmother and aunt spellbound by each word emanating from the mouth of Lovey -- the marine looking on incredulously, periodically rolling his eyes and shaking his head. Lovey oblivious to anyone but herself. And, there was I -- looking on – taking it all in…..
Did I really spend 25.5 years with this woman?
This was why I was so depressed for so long?
I actually mourned the anniversary of the divorce two weeks ago?
What was I thinking?
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Uh Oh!
Tonight is the big meal with my former wife, Lovey, her mother, and my son and me.
Spoke with my son early in the afternoon to hear that he had received a wreckless driving ticket for blowing through a red light he says, "he didn't see." He was supposedly so upset by it he told me that he couldn't come to dinner tonight.
I told him my thoughts, including how lame his excuse was.
He stood firm.
I stood firm.
I finally said that he needed to call his grandma and explain why.
The next thing I received was an irate call from his mother stating how busy she was.....and that she had made this time for him.....and that she's got a funeral....and a graduation to go to........as well as to create two bulletins....blah...blah....blah.
She also said this was a trmendous sacrifice for her to come......
And she wanted me to call her son. She'd spoken with him too.
I returned her call....but I said to her that I had heard that she was coming to her mother's and I had planned this as a way for her to get to see him. She thanked me. (So, how come it became a sacrifice for her to come to her mother's......and why did she have to move her schedule all around for "him".....when she had already planned to be at her mom's anyway? Lovey loves martyrdom.)
I called him back andd explained that his mom had gone to extraordinary lengths to be with him this evening. He barked at me and asked me "why do you care about my relationship with mom?"
I answered, "Because she's your mom and I don't want you to get to some place on down the line and you regret not having spent more time with her when you could."
He shut up...and said that he was going to come tonight.
So, maybe I will get to see them together in a rare moment.
My family is so dysfunctional.
Spoke with my son early in the afternoon to hear that he had received a wreckless driving ticket for blowing through a red light he says, "he didn't see." He was supposedly so upset by it he told me that he couldn't come to dinner tonight.
I told him my thoughts, including how lame his excuse was.
He stood firm.
I stood firm.
I finally said that he needed to call his grandma and explain why.
The next thing I received was an irate call from his mother stating how busy she was.....and that she had made this time for him.....and that she's got a funeral....and a graduation to go to........as well as to create two bulletins....blah...blah....blah.
She also said this was a trmendous sacrifice for her to come......
And she wanted me to call her son. She'd spoken with him too.
I returned her call....but I said to her that I had heard that she was coming to her mother's and I had planned this as a way for her to get to see him. She thanked me. (So, how come it became a sacrifice for her to come to her mother's......and why did she have to move her schedule all around for "him".....when she had already planned to be at her mom's anyway? Lovey loves martyrdom.)
I called him back andd explained that his mom had gone to extraordinary lengths to be with him this evening. He barked at me and asked me "why do you care about my relationship with mom?"
I answered, "Because she's your mom and I don't want you to get to some place on down the line and you regret not having spent more time with her when you could."
He shut up...and said that he was going to come tonight.
So, maybe I will get to see them together in a rare moment.
My family is so dysfunctional.
Buddy, Can I Borrow Your Ark?
This has to be the wettest spring on record here in the Washington, DC area. Last spring and summer we suffered a horrible drought that had water restrictions in place in some areas, there were tremendous concerns about reservoir levels and the Potomac.
I would certainly hope that all this precipitation has improved the level of the water table drastically.
Yesterday's storms were some of the worst we've ever had, according to weather reports.....heavy wind shear.....lots of rotation.....perhaps even a few tornados.
At approximately 3:30 yesterday afternoon, my son called me at the office to say that we had lost power. I immediately worried about the sump pump at the back door. Back in the Summer of '06, a few days after Lovey left, was when I had the big flood because the sump pump had failed and I had several inches of water covering my rec room floor. It required pumping....cleaning.....and installation of new wall to wall carpet.
Since then, I had a new sump pump installed.......and the drainage system enhanced....and the gutters repaired. So, before the electricity had gone out, the sump pump had drained the pit considerably. On top of this, the water level in the pit seemed to only catch the water that came down the stairs in the normal course of raining.....and the gutters did their job to move the water away from the pit.
Bottom line is that the house stayed dry.
Thank God!
I took my time about coming home last night, because I knew that my son wouldn't be home....he wasn't.
I had a nice dinner at a restaurant......went for a haircut....and by the time I walked into my house around 8pm....the house was still powerless.....and I came in.....took my clothes off....crawled into bed.....and tried to sleep. The bad thing was that the house was stuffy.....no air was moving.....and it was a little warm. So I had trouble sleeping.
The power finally came back on around midnight.
I got to sleep around 1am after I checked everything.
The boy never showed up at home last night.
So, I trust he was alright.
Tonight he and I have been invited to dinner at Mom O'Lovey's house......and of course, Lovey will be there too.
I will probably have lots to tell tomorrow!
Stay tuned.
I would certainly hope that all this precipitation has improved the level of the water table drastically.
Yesterday's storms were some of the worst we've ever had, according to weather reports.....heavy wind shear.....lots of rotation.....perhaps even a few tornados.
At approximately 3:30 yesterday afternoon, my son called me at the office to say that we had lost power. I immediately worried about the sump pump at the back door. Back in the Summer of '06, a few days after Lovey left, was when I had the big flood because the sump pump had failed and I had several inches of water covering my rec room floor. It required pumping....cleaning.....and installation of new wall to wall carpet.
Since then, I had a new sump pump installed.......and the drainage system enhanced....and the gutters repaired. So, before the electricity had gone out, the sump pump had drained the pit considerably. On top of this, the water level in the pit seemed to only catch the water that came down the stairs in the normal course of raining.....and the gutters did their job to move the water away from the pit.
Bottom line is that the house stayed dry.
Thank God!
I took my time about coming home last night, because I knew that my son wouldn't be home....he wasn't.
I had a nice dinner at a restaurant......went for a haircut....and by the time I walked into my house around 8pm....the house was still powerless.....and I came in.....took my clothes off....crawled into bed.....and tried to sleep. The bad thing was that the house was stuffy.....no air was moving.....and it was a little warm. So I had trouble sleeping.
The power finally came back on around midnight.
I got to sleep around 1am after I checked everything.
The boy never showed up at home last night.
So, I trust he was alright.
Tonight he and I have been invited to dinner at Mom O'Lovey's house......and of course, Lovey will be there too.
I will probably have lots to tell tomorrow!
Stay tuned.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Sunday, June 01, 2008
ALONE!
It's one of those quiet mornings here at my house. I'm in my favorite room, the rec room, which is located in the basement at the rear of my home. It's quiet....it's far removed from the hustle and bustle outside.....and far away from any other distraction this house might offer when I have guests, like today: my son.
Found out some bad news at the end of the week. My house needs a new chimney and a new roof. So, I had to fork over five grand to get the work started. This is after the workman fixed my gutter problem.....the downspouts had shifted...and the pitch of the gutters was wrong so that water flowed backwards. No wonder every outside door seemed like Niagara Falls as water cascaded over the gutters! Th eworkman also cleaned out all the gutters too.
We had a very bad storm yesterday, and I am pleased to report that they worked like a dream!
I seem to have recovered somewhat from my bout of sadness about the divorce. It was a very black period for me: the spearation and divorce.....and for some reason, I seemed to relive it all this week. And as a result, I was right there....ALONE. Dealing with it all...the sadness.....the loneliness........the feelings of failure.....well, just everything.
Now, in the light of day and an improved mood, I know that I shouldn't feel like a failure or be sad or even be lonely. You see, I have come so very far. I have a host of friends that care about me and love me. I'm far from a failure. I have no reason to be sad. I have my children. I have my dog. I have every material possession that I need and there is room in my budget to buy whatever I want.....if I want it.
So, it is a good place in which I am emotionally.
The only thing that would make it better would be for Mr. Right to come into it.
When it comes to dating and looking for a boyfriend, I get kind of tired sometimes. Every eligible man that appears in my life, I wonder to myself, "Is he the one?" If I'm not careful, I could obsess abou this. So I just need to relax.....breathe in and just enjoy meeting people.
And the crushes.....my God....the crushes. Oh, I have several fantasy boyfriends: there's the man of mystery at my church who is absolutely clueless that I'm into him.........there's the man at my office who has the same name as my boss.......he's clueless.........to name a couple. I have "boyfriends" of all ages.......young.....older..... There's the electrician at the office........there's friend of mine who is married and is an electronics contractor.........there's the unhappily married carpet guy I know..........and then there is the construction guy that had the crush on me........and I was frightened -- probably because I wasn't ready for such an intense relationship. (He's gone now to another area of the country.)
So, the vast majority of these guys have no idea that I am into them. I suppose any one of these could be "the one"....but honestly I am afraid to let them know. I've suffered so much rejection in my life and I've heard it all before........I'm afraid of it happening again.
"Well, thank you Frank. I'm flattered. But, I don't have feelings for you like that."
So, I'm not getting any younger......the pool on which to draw from is small -- the majority of whom are into much, much younger guys.
I have to be prepared to face the fact that the rest of my life could be as it is now....
ALONE.
Found out some bad news at the end of the week. My house needs a new chimney and a new roof. So, I had to fork over five grand to get the work started. This is after the workman fixed my gutter problem.....the downspouts had shifted...and the pitch of the gutters was wrong so that water flowed backwards. No wonder every outside door seemed like Niagara Falls as water cascaded over the gutters! Th eworkman also cleaned out all the gutters too.
We had a very bad storm yesterday, and I am pleased to report that they worked like a dream!
I seem to have recovered somewhat from my bout of sadness about the divorce. It was a very black period for me: the spearation and divorce.....and for some reason, I seemed to relive it all this week. And as a result, I was right there....ALONE. Dealing with it all...the sadness.....the loneliness........the feelings of failure.....well, just everything.
Now, in the light of day and an improved mood, I know that I shouldn't feel like a failure or be sad or even be lonely. You see, I have come so very far. I have a host of friends that care about me and love me. I'm far from a failure. I have no reason to be sad. I have my children. I have my dog. I have every material possession that I need and there is room in my budget to buy whatever I want.....if I want it.
So, it is a good place in which I am emotionally.
The only thing that would make it better would be for Mr. Right to come into it.
When it comes to dating and looking for a boyfriend, I get kind of tired sometimes. Every eligible man that appears in my life, I wonder to myself, "Is he the one?" If I'm not careful, I could obsess abou this. So I just need to relax.....breathe in and just enjoy meeting people.
And the crushes.....my God....the crushes. Oh, I have several fantasy boyfriends: there's the man of mystery at my church who is absolutely clueless that I'm into him.........there's the man at my office who has the same name as my boss.......he's clueless.........to name a couple. I have "boyfriends" of all ages.......young.....older..... There's the electrician at the office........there's friend of mine who is married and is an electronics contractor.........there's the unhappily married carpet guy I know..........and then there is the construction guy that had the crush on me........and I was frightened -- probably because I wasn't ready for such an intense relationship. (He's gone now to another area of the country.)
So, the vast majority of these guys have no idea that I am into them. I suppose any one of these could be "the one"....but honestly I am afraid to let them know. I've suffered so much rejection in my life and I've heard it all before........I'm afraid of it happening again.
"Well, thank you Frank. I'm flattered. But, I don't have feelings for you like that."
So, I'm not getting any younger......the pool on which to draw from is small -- the majority of whom are into much, much younger guys.
I have to be prepared to face the fact that the rest of my life could be as it is now....
ALONE.
Friday, May 30, 2008
A Wonderful Evening After All
I have to tell you: yesterday was rough!
The emotional pain surfaced and was indescribable. All I can say was that it cut to the core of my being in a way that no one can really relate to unless you have been there.
Yesterday, mid-afternoon, Lovey called my cellphone. Yikes, in the midst of all I was going through, she was the LAST person I needed to talk to. So, I switched the ringer off on my cellphone. Sure enough, she left a message.
Before the end of the day, I decided to play my messages, and there was Lovey in all her cheery glory calling to say thanks about her birthday card I sent her. (She sent me one and came to the bash, so I returned the favor.) She then went on to say that she had not been able to talk with our son and wanted to know what was up with him.
She then shared that she was dealing with a lady from our mutual past and wanted to fill me in on that.
So, just as I was ready to leave my office for the day, I got up the nerve to return the call. Thankully it went to voice mail and I left a brief message.
So, I've not heard anything fruther from her.
After I was done with all that, my son called to say that he had set up my new grill and could I bring a couple of steaks home and fix dinner to eat on the deck/patio.
"Sure," I said.
What a neat way to christen the new grill and open the deck/patio for the summer! So I marinated the T-bones and threw them on the grill....with garlic mashed potatos (the marine's favorite), salad, corn on the cobb, hot rolls, butter, and then we had fresh strawberries for dessert.
Following all that food, he and I spent an hour talking in the growing darkness of a late spring evening.
I listened as he spoke of his mother in less than glowing terms. How he felt about her "walking out." AND how he felt that she didn't just walk out on his dad, but he feels she walked out on all the family. He also shared some conversations that he had had with her....at at one point he told her basically that she had gotten what she wanted...so she needed to be happy with her choices.
It was a good conversation.....not that we spoke of Lovey......but that he actually opened up to me....and let me see and feel the hurts he has experienced. This big, stoic, marine has had some real hurts inflicted by Lovey.......just as we all have. It hurts me to hear him speak of his pain.
But there isn't a thing I can do. The pain he feels, is akin to my pain. You can't ignore it......you can't tunnel under it.......drive around it.....or fly over it.
You just have to go right through the middle of it.
Embrace the pain.
It will pass.
I think.
The emotional pain surfaced and was indescribable. All I can say was that it cut to the core of my being in a way that no one can really relate to unless you have been there.
Yesterday, mid-afternoon, Lovey called my cellphone. Yikes, in the midst of all I was going through, she was the LAST person I needed to talk to. So, I switched the ringer off on my cellphone. Sure enough, she left a message.
Before the end of the day, I decided to play my messages, and there was Lovey in all her cheery glory calling to say thanks about her birthday card I sent her. (She sent me one and came to the bash, so I returned the favor.) She then went on to say that she had not been able to talk with our son and wanted to know what was up with him.
She then shared that she was dealing with a lady from our mutual past and wanted to fill me in on that.
So, just as I was ready to leave my office for the day, I got up the nerve to return the call. Thankully it went to voice mail and I left a brief message.
So, I've not heard anything fruther from her.
After I was done with all that, my son called to say that he had set up my new grill and could I bring a couple of steaks home and fix dinner to eat on the deck/patio.
"Sure," I said.
What a neat way to christen the new grill and open the deck/patio for the summer! So I marinated the T-bones and threw them on the grill....with garlic mashed potatos (the marine's favorite), salad, corn on the cobb, hot rolls, butter, and then we had fresh strawberries for dessert.
Following all that food, he and I spent an hour talking in the growing darkness of a late spring evening.
I listened as he spoke of his mother in less than glowing terms. How he felt about her "walking out." AND how he felt that she didn't just walk out on his dad, but he feels she walked out on all the family. He also shared some conversations that he had had with her....at at one point he told her basically that she had gotten what she wanted...so she needed to be happy with her choices.
It was a good conversation.....not that we spoke of Lovey......but that he actually opened up to me....and let me see and feel the hurts he has experienced. This big, stoic, marine has had some real hurts inflicted by Lovey.......just as we all have. It hurts me to hear him speak of his pain.
But there isn't a thing I can do. The pain he feels, is akin to my pain. You can't ignore it......you can't tunnel under it.......drive around it.....or fly over it.
You just have to go right through the middle of it.
Embrace the pain.
It will pass.
I think.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
The Blues Continue/Happy Anniversary Frank
I have now been a divorced man for one full year!
Happy anniversary to me!
I talked to some folks yesterday who believe that divorce is much like a death. I think I've said that before. So, they say that that the first anniversary for that can be really bad....so why not a divorce. One person I chatted with said that her daughter, who has now gone through two divorces, has felt the exact same way.
So I guess I am "normal."
It's not that I miss Lovey. It's not that I'm bemoaning the fact that she divorced me.
I dealt with that long ago.
It's just how she did it......and the things she did and the things she said and wrote between the separation and the divorce that has stirred up all the sadness that appears to be my constant companion this week.
So, if you're a new reader....go back through the earlier posts to see what all I've been through and perhaps you may get an idea of what I'm talking about. (Although, I must admit, I didn't write about everything....)
Life goes on.
I've begun a new phase in my life.
It's just hard sometimes when those anniversaries come......
Happy anniversary to me!
I talked to some folks yesterday who believe that divorce is much like a death. I think I've said that before. So, they say that that the first anniversary for that can be really bad....so why not a divorce. One person I chatted with said that her daughter, who has now gone through two divorces, has felt the exact same way.
So I guess I am "normal."
It's not that I miss Lovey. It's not that I'm bemoaning the fact that she divorced me.
I dealt with that long ago.
It's just how she did it......and the things she did and the things she said and wrote between the separation and the divorce that has stirred up all the sadness that appears to be my constant companion this week.
So, if you're a new reader....go back through the earlier posts to see what all I've been through and perhaps you may get an idea of what I'm talking about. (Although, I must admit, I didn't write about everything....)
Life goes on.
I've begun a new phase in my life.
It's just hard sometimes when those anniversaries come......
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A Time For Honesty
I'm a little blue today.
This is probably not helped by the cool grayness of the day outside.
I'm not depressed....because as I have said so many times before, that word is way overused. It can mean a myriad of maladies -- not to mention clinical depression, which is very serious.
The correct word for my feelings today is just overall sadness. It's not the earthquaking....mindbreaking kind, but just one of those kind of days where you wish you were someone else....in another locations.........and to camouflage your problems and wish them out of existence.
My mood is not helped by the serious illness of a four year old relative of mine in the Atlanta area. He kept complaining about how his legs hurt....and he had a stomach ache. They finally took him to is pedatrician only to find that he has got a very bad form of cancer that has spread throughout his little body. He's not going to make it. His family is distraught.....I'm devestated. It came from out of left field!
Then, tomorrow is the first anniversary of my divorce. I'm wistful. While I believe that I am so much better off than to be tangled with Lovey as I was three years ago....there's still that familiar feeling of aloneness that settles in at such times. I have no one to lean on....no one to tell my dreams to.....no one to curl up beside......no one to help me make decisions.
It's just me....
and my dog.
This is probably not helped by the cool grayness of the day outside.
I'm not depressed....because as I have said so many times before, that word is way overused. It can mean a myriad of maladies -- not to mention clinical depression, which is very serious.
The correct word for my feelings today is just overall sadness. It's not the earthquaking....mindbreaking kind, but just one of those kind of days where you wish you were someone else....in another locations.........and to camouflage your problems and wish them out of existence.
My mood is not helped by the serious illness of a four year old relative of mine in the Atlanta area. He kept complaining about how his legs hurt....and he had a stomach ache. They finally took him to is pedatrician only to find that he has got a very bad form of cancer that has spread throughout his little body. He's not going to make it. His family is distraught.....I'm devestated. It came from out of left field!
Then, tomorrow is the first anniversary of my divorce. I'm wistful. While I believe that I am so much better off than to be tangled with Lovey as I was three years ago....there's still that familiar feeling of aloneness that settles in at such times. I have no one to lean on....no one to tell my dreams to.....no one to curl up beside......no one to help me make decisions.
It's just me....
and my dog.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
And so...the pot is stirred....
I've seen the responses that two people have posted to my blog today. I've also received some comments back channel.
The internalized homophobia I seem to be dealing with now at this juncture seems to be a fairly common occurrence among us fomerly married queer people. In my own little smug way, I thought I was over that. I thought I was accepting of myself....and of my longings.
But apparently not.
So, is that two or three giant steps backward on this journey???
Maybe more.
So here I sit a bit blue... I haven't been here in quite a while! I guess that is some progress...overall.
When I compare where I am now with this time last year....well, you know. You've been there with me. It hasn't always been pretty, has it?
The internalized homophobia I seem to be dealing with now at this juncture seems to be a fairly common occurrence among us fomerly married queer people. In my own little smug way, I thought I was over that. I thought I was accepting of myself....and of my longings.
But apparently not.
So, is that two or three giant steps backward on this journey???
Maybe more.
So here I sit a bit blue... I haven't been here in quite a while! I guess that is some progress...overall.
When I compare where I am now with this time last year....well, you know. You've been there with me. It hasn't always been pretty, has it?
Tuesday Morning
It's very quiet here at my house. Today is my last day off for the Memorial Day Weekend. My son is still asleep upstairs and I'm awaiting the furnace/ac people to come and replace the vent from my hot water tank....and look at the dryer vents.....and the vent on the roof that had been leaking some.
Hopefully they will be here by noon.
I've been contemplating my existence all morning -- just trying to sort out and figure out my feelings that I have. Sorry to say, I've not gotten any closer to sorting things out than I was when I posted a lot earlier in the morning.
In his comment, Rick raised some valid points. The way that I view things, life isn't all romantic. In TV programs for example, all we're seeing is what the writer and producers wanted us to see. They showed us what they believed to be the most important elements of the relationwhip. Still, the Greay's Anatomy episode did stir those old feelins that appear from time to time. Like having a pssionate.....serious relationship where I won't be seen as leftovers...but rather the main course. Where someone will want to take care of me....and be there for me. Where my knight in shining armor whisks me away to happily everafter.
[I'm not selfish....because I give just as good as I get.]
But life is never what we have in our fantasies. We all live in the real world where there is worry.......there is heartache........there is joy.......there is pain......there is laughter........there is happiness.......there can be contentment.
Still, the gay thing frightens me..... It's like the boogey man under my bed in the middle of the dark night.
I'm afraid of it sometimes.
Homophobia......internalized........mine.
Hopefully they will be here by noon.
I've been contemplating my existence all morning -- just trying to sort out and figure out my feelings that I have. Sorry to say, I've not gotten any closer to sorting things out than I was when I posted a lot earlier in the morning.
In his comment, Rick raised some valid points. The way that I view things, life isn't all romantic. In TV programs for example, all we're seeing is what the writer and producers wanted us to see. They showed us what they believed to be the most important elements of the relationwhip. Still, the Greay's Anatomy episode did stir those old feelins that appear from time to time. Like having a pssionate.....serious relationship where I won't be seen as leftovers...but rather the main course. Where someone will want to take care of me....and be there for me. Where my knight in shining armor whisks me away to happily everafter.
[I'm not selfish....because I give just as good as I get.]
But life is never what we have in our fantasies. We all live in the real world where there is worry.......there is heartache........there is joy.......there is pain......there is laughter........there is happiness.......there can be contentment.
Still, the gay thing frightens me..... It's like the boogey man under my bed in the middle of the dark night.
I'm afraid of it sometimes.
Homophobia......internalized........mine.
The Gay Thing - Part 2
Yesterday was a relatively calm and peaceful day here at Chez Frank. I slept in very late...and then I had a quiet day of relaxation. I finally got up and showered around 7:30 p.m. to meet a friend for coffee and to grab dinner.
My son was busy going to Memorial Day parties, so I spent the day alone with my dog.
For all the moaning and groaning that I've done about looking for a mate....or longing for having a special man in my life....I'm amazed that when it really comes to where the "rubber meets the road"...I'm afraid of going "that" far.
So, where does this fear come from and why does it surface at this point in my journey?
How did I notice its presence?
Well, yesterday I got all caught up in watching this season's "Grey's Anatomy." One episode dealt with a soldier's bout with a brain tumor. In the course of the story, a buddy from his company shows up in fatigues. It seems that the sick soldier's father has called the buddy to help encourage his son during these serious treatments. As the story unfolds we find that these beautiful young men are more than friends. They are lovers. And, in pure soap operatic fashion during a tender moment in the hospital room....as Dr. Grey looks on, they kiss passionately...only to be interrupted by the father. The father orders the young man to stay away from his son.
The lover sits in an adjacent waiting room....not able to communicate with the love of his life. Dr. Grey tries valiantly to intervene...but because of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the sick soldier goes off to brain surgery with only one last longing look at his lover in the waiting room -- afraid to incur the wrath of his father.
The young man dies on the table....the father relents and allows the soldier to come in to pay his final respects to his son....alone.
Dr. Gray watches from the doorway as the soldier approaches his loved one's lifeless form.... He bends down and gives the young man one final, tender kiss.
It tore my heart out.
But something else also tore my heart out.
Perhaps its my own internal homophobia. Could I ever be "that" open about things? Is it the fear of having a partner and letting the whole world know about it....is that what's so frightening to me?
Am I better alone?
Or is it the fear of relationships in general?
I certainly don't have the greatest of track records when it comes to those now do I?
I just don't know.
The only thing that I do know is just how hard this "Gay Thing" makes everything.
My son was busy going to Memorial Day parties, so I spent the day alone with my dog.
For all the moaning and groaning that I've done about looking for a mate....or longing for having a special man in my life....I'm amazed that when it really comes to where the "rubber meets the road"...I'm afraid of going "that" far.
So, where does this fear come from and why does it surface at this point in my journey?
How did I notice its presence?
Well, yesterday I got all caught up in watching this season's "Grey's Anatomy." One episode dealt with a soldier's bout with a brain tumor. In the course of the story, a buddy from his company shows up in fatigues. It seems that the sick soldier's father has called the buddy to help encourage his son during these serious treatments. As the story unfolds we find that these beautiful young men are more than friends. They are lovers. And, in pure soap operatic fashion during a tender moment in the hospital room....as Dr. Grey looks on, they kiss passionately...only to be interrupted by the father. The father orders the young man to stay away from his son.
The lover sits in an adjacent waiting room....not able to communicate with the love of his life. Dr. Grey tries valiantly to intervene...but because of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the sick soldier goes off to brain surgery with only one last longing look at his lover in the waiting room -- afraid to incur the wrath of his father.
The young man dies on the table....the father relents and allows the soldier to come in to pay his final respects to his son....alone.
Dr. Gray watches from the doorway as the soldier approaches his loved one's lifeless form.... He bends down and gives the young man one final, tender kiss.
It tore my heart out.
But something else also tore my heart out.
Perhaps its my own internal homophobia. Could I ever be "that" open about things? Is it the fear of having a partner and letting the whole world know about it....is that what's so frightening to me?
Am I better alone?
Or is it the fear of relationships in general?
I certainly don't have the greatest of track records when it comes to those now do I?
I just don't know.
The only thing that I do know is just how hard this "Gay Thing" makes everything.
Monday, May 26, 2008
The Gay Thing
The gay thing messes with me.
It has really played with my mind.....my life......my relationships. Everywhere!
I feel that it has definitely left me scarred a bit.
How do you date? Some of the things I have been through have left me mistrustful...and I find that I guard my heart with a fierceness. I don't want to get hurt.
But...on top of that I think that guarded fierceness sends out a message of unavailability. I can't seem to let myself relax.
Then on the other hand....I find that I look at every gay man as a potential partner. Or as someone to date.
How do I relax enough to know if a man is "the one"?
How do I reach the point of allowing myself the luxury of trusting again without the fear of the hurt....or the pain of the hurt.
At times I feel this gay thing just makes things harder.
All the way around.
It has really played with my mind.....my life......my relationships. Everywhere!
I feel that it has definitely left me scarred a bit.
How do you date? Some of the things I have been through have left me mistrustful...and I find that I guard my heart with a fierceness. I don't want to get hurt.
But...on top of that I think that guarded fierceness sends out a message of unavailability. I can't seem to let myself relax.
Then on the other hand....I find that I look at every gay man as a potential partner. Or as someone to date.
How do I relax enough to know if a man is "the one"?
How do I reach the point of allowing myself the luxury of trusting again without the fear of the hurt....or the pain of the hurt.
At times I feel this gay thing just makes things harder.
All the way around.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Simple Pleasures That Money Can't Buy
My son, the marine, has had his share of ups and downs throughout his brief life. We adopted him when he was five years old, but during his first five years, he faced more trauma than some of us have to face in a lifetime.
His biological family abused him: they burned him with cigarettes, the didn't put him on solids for a long time....and kept him on milk...even though he had a very bad allergy toward that; he fell through a glass coffeetable and cut his eye brow severely and they didn't seek medical attention; his dad was murdered in a drug deal gone bad; he was adopted by a family that was dysfunctional; the wife abused him emotionally and physically; he suffered from psycho-social dwarfism -- that is because of all the emotional trauma he was faced with, he stopped growing -- by the time we got him him at age 4 he was the size of a two year old toddler; the adoptive family fell apart; and then he arrived in our home because we had gotten to know him at church. His adoptive mom was the church secretary.
We didn't want to see him in foster care....so we stepped in.
So needless to say....after we adopted him, he suffered more than his share of psychological and emotional issues including depression and ADHD.
Not to mention that his new dad turned out to be QUEER!
My physician said that we should be patient and that by the time he was 25 and his cerebral cortex fully developed, things would get better.
At times I thought that I had made a mistake in adopting him......that my life would have been so much better. I questioned whether I would survive until he turned 25.
And, then, he joined the military -- the marines. He got in. He had his rough moments, but he began to excel. He moved up in rank. He learned to do as he was told. It was amazing.
Then came Iraq.
I worried.
I became afraid of doorbells.
I was so afraid that he would do something foolish because of his impulsivity.
But he returned....and he has grown so much. He's a marine for goodness sakes. He's young....he's buff......he's handsome........and thank God, he has matured!
I saw it a my birthday bash. He was helpful....not disrespectful. He talked with a quiet confident manner.
He spent 3 weeks with me before he had to return to check out of Le Jeuene in NC. We had a grand time. It was actually good having him home. No fusing....no fights......no yelling..... Just calm....peaceful.....living.
He called me from Lejeune yesterday just to say hello....and to see how I was doing. He gave me his schedule and told me he'd be back on Friday early afternoon. We're now making plans for me to go with him on a roadtrip across country to his new base in Texas.
Since that is where he was born....and it is the resting place of his biological father, I'm going with him to help find the grave.
During our conversation, the quiet, wellspoken young man told me something I had never heard him say. He said, "Dad, I know there were times I put you through hell....and I'm sorry. I love you though....and I know that you love me too. I'm looking forward to our time together, because I love spending time with youl."
Well, as you know by now, tears are my constant companion....always just below the surface.
They began to flow.
It can't be any better than this.
His biological family abused him: they burned him with cigarettes, the didn't put him on solids for a long time....and kept him on milk...even though he had a very bad allergy toward that; he fell through a glass coffeetable and cut his eye brow severely and they didn't seek medical attention; his dad was murdered in a drug deal gone bad; he was adopted by a family that was dysfunctional; the wife abused him emotionally and physically; he suffered from psycho-social dwarfism -- that is because of all the emotional trauma he was faced with, he stopped growing -- by the time we got him him at age 4 he was the size of a two year old toddler; the adoptive family fell apart; and then he arrived in our home because we had gotten to know him at church. His adoptive mom was the church secretary.
We didn't want to see him in foster care....so we stepped in.
So needless to say....after we adopted him, he suffered more than his share of psychological and emotional issues including depression and ADHD.
Not to mention that his new dad turned out to be QUEER!
My physician said that we should be patient and that by the time he was 25 and his cerebral cortex fully developed, things would get better.
At times I thought that I had made a mistake in adopting him......that my life would have been so much better. I questioned whether I would survive until he turned 25.
And, then, he joined the military -- the marines. He got in. He had his rough moments, but he began to excel. He moved up in rank. He learned to do as he was told. It was amazing.
Then came Iraq.
I worried.
I became afraid of doorbells.
I was so afraid that he would do something foolish because of his impulsivity.
But he returned....and he has grown so much. He's a marine for goodness sakes. He's young....he's buff......he's handsome........and thank God, he has matured!
I saw it a my birthday bash. He was helpful....not disrespectful. He talked with a quiet confident manner.
He spent 3 weeks with me before he had to return to check out of Le Jeuene in NC. We had a grand time. It was actually good having him home. No fusing....no fights......no yelling..... Just calm....peaceful.....living.
He called me from Lejeune yesterday just to say hello....and to see how I was doing. He gave me his schedule and told me he'd be back on Friday early afternoon. We're now making plans for me to go with him on a roadtrip across country to his new base in Texas.
Since that is where he was born....and it is the resting place of his biological father, I'm going with him to help find the grave.
During our conversation, the quiet, wellspoken young man told me something I had never heard him say. He said, "Dad, I know there were times I put you through hell....and I'm sorry. I love you though....and I know that you love me too. I'm looking forward to our time together, because I love spending time with youl."
Well, as you know by now, tears are my constant companion....always just below the surface.
They began to flow.
It can't be any better than this.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Monday Morning
It's Monday morning and I'm beginning to stir. I slept so good and now this is the beginning of a very hect tic week.
The heating and a/c guy is reutrning to repair the exhaust from my hot water tank that was detected to have problems last fall. I'm meeting with my attorney to have a will completed. This is the final touch to assure that my kids are taken care of and that Lovey does not try and funny business at my death, to try and usurp her control.
I'm having my gutters cleaned and the downspouts repaired from where they overflowed and shifted during all the heavy rains of last week. I had the equivalent of Niagara Falls cascading over my front door.
My son leaves this afternoon to return to Camp Lejeune. This is to do his final checkout before he moves across country to Texas. (I'm going with him for that...which should be quite fun.)
I've also spent a lot of time reflecting on the events of this weekend. I went to my niece-in-law's graduation party. I had a decent time...the food was great....and Lovey did not attend. Not sure why she wasn't there.... I didn't ask. I had just assumed that she would be there. After all, it is actually HER niece.
My niece's brother also graduated from college....but he graduated in December. The party was also for him too. However, thankfully, I brought my trusty checkbook and was able to give him a small monetary token and to give him a big bear hug to let him know just how proud I was of his accomplishments too.
Both of these kids seem like mine.
It has been so much fun watching them grow into fully productive adults. My niece is also pregnant with her first child and is expecting that delivery to be on or around July 3.
So, does that make the new child a "great niece?" (Yes, we all know it's a girl.)
Church was also good. We're getting a new associate pastor, who is male. That makes all the guys at my church happy. Perhaps this new guy will help grow the number of men attending my church. Right now there is an over abundance of women....so a few more men wouldn't hurt.
Today I am feeling really encouraged by everything in my life. I can't believe just how far I have come. How I have matured. How I've left the "neediness" behind.....and the doubt and the fear.
At least for now, my life is without fear or questions.
Life is pretty good!
The heating and a/c guy is reutrning to repair the exhaust from my hot water tank that was detected to have problems last fall. I'm meeting with my attorney to have a will completed. This is the final touch to assure that my kids are taken care of and that Lovey does not try and funny business at my death, to try and usurp her control.
I'm having my gutters cleaned and the downspouts repaired from where they overflowed and shifted during all the heavy rains of last week. I had the equivalent of Niagara Falls cascading over my front door.
My son leaves this afternoon to return to Camp Lejeune. This is to do his final checkout before he moves across country to Texas. (I'm going with him for that...which should be quite fun.)
I've also spent a lot of time reflecting on the events of this weekend. I went to my niece-in-law's graduation party. I had a decent time...the food was great....and Lovey did not attend. Not sure why she wasn't there.... I didn't ask. I had just assumed that she would be there. After all, it is actually HER niece.
My niece's brother also graduated from college....but he graduated in December. The party was also for him too. However, thankfully, I brought my trusty checkbook and was able to give him a small monetary token and to give him a big bear hug to let him know just how proud I was of his accomplishments too.
Both of these kids seem like mine.
It has been so much fun watching them grow into fully productive adults. My niece is also pregnant with her first child and is expecting that delivery to be on or around July 3.
So, does that make the new child a "great niece?" (Yes, we all know it's a girl.)
Church was also good. We're getting a new associate pastor, who is male. That makes all the guys at my church happy. Perhaps this new guy will help grow the number of men attending my church. Right now there is an over abundance of women....so a few more men wouldn't hurt.
Today I am feeling really encouraged by everything in my life. I can't believe just how far I have come. How I have matured. How I've left the "neediness" behind.....and the doubt and the fear.
At least for now, my life is without fear or questions.
Life is pretty good!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Something "Different"
Okay...I want to make you all a promise. I promise to never run anything pornographic on this site. I want this blog to remain as it always has been.....the story of a gay man coming to terms with his sexuality after the demise of his marriage.
I will only run a picture if it is tasteful....artistic......and shows nothing graphic or lewd.
Someone emailed the picture on this post to me today. It caught my attention. I just wish I could blow it up....and have it matted and framed for my bedroom. But I don't have the nerve.
I know it's pushing the envelope a little.....but the picture speaks to me....and I thought I'd share it.
Have a great Monday!
Surprises Along The Way
Did y'all recover yet from my Bobby Sherman centerfold?
Yeah, it was a stunner.....especially for a shy 12 year old in the summer of 1970. My hormones flooded my body......my heart raced.......and my face burned from the sexual feelings I was feeling for the first time in my life. It nearly drove me crazy. But I worked to carry on.
Much like I do now.
I've had some interesting things to happen today.
First, and foremost, my son woke up early this morning and said that he was going with me to church. I was surprised, mainly because he's been a "little" phobic about being around other gay people. At my church he would be in a whole den of 'em.
But off to church we went. He had a good time. The gay guys were attracted to him....and he felt that. But I told him that it was about their sexuality and his attractiveness....it didn't mean he was giving off a "gay vibe." The lesbians came up and kissed and hugged him. (Even the big butch burly ones were like silly putty around him....stammering and all..... They thanked him for his service to the country.)
We went to lunch with the church bunch. There I heard a lot of what has been bubbling inside my son for quite sometime. I overheard him saying to someone what a great dad I have been to him. He said that he knows he hasn't always been kind to me...but he finally realizes that I loved him all along. He also knew that I was the parent that cared enough to spend time with him....and the girls....and he loves me more than he can say.
I teared up.
Of course it doesn't take a whole lot to make me cry.
But to hear him say this meant more to me than I can possibly every say.
So, it has been an excellent day at Frank's house.
Later on, my minister friend wrote me and asked if we could chat a little after 6pm. So, I was finally able to free some time to talk to him. He was upbeat about his trip to NYC this weekend to see a musical with his family. It sounds like things went well. He sounded happy.
We talked for over 4 hours this time -- a record for us. Again we solved all the world's problems....and some of ours too. LOL
It's a little strange to have only been acquainted with someone for 7 days....and to have spent a total of 10 hours on the telephone...comparing stories......marriages.....ministries......dreams.....hopes...... It feels as if he has been my friend forever.....and he just so recently appeared.
Hmmmmmm.
Yeah, it was a stunner.....especially for a shy 12 year old in the summer of 1970. My hormones flooded my body......my heart raced.......and my face burned from the sexual feelings I was feeling for the first time in my life. It nearly drove me crazy. But I worked to carry on.
Much like I do now.
I've had some interesting things to happen today.
First, and foremost, my son woke up early this morning and said that he was going with me to church. I was surprised, mainly because he's been a "little" phobic about being around other gay people. At my church he would be in a whole den of 'em.
But off to church we went. He had a good time. The gay guys were attracted to him....and he felt that. But I told him that it was about their sexuality and his attractiveness....it didn't mean he was giving off a "gay vibe." The lesbians came up and kissed and hugged him. (Even the big butch burly ones were like silly putty around him....stammering and all..... They thanked him for his service to the country.)
We went to lunch with the church bunch. There I heard a lot of what has been bubbling inside my son for quite sometime. I overheard him saying to someone what a great dad I have been to him. He said that he knows he hasn't always been kind to me...but he finally realizes that I loved him all along. He also knew that I was the parent that cared enough to spend time with him....and the girls....and he loves me more than he can say.
I teared up.
Of course it doesn't take a whole lot to make me cry.
But to hear him say this meant more to me than I can possibly every say.
So, it has been an excellent day at Frank's house.
Later on, my minister friend wrote me and asked if we could chat a little after 6pm. So, I was finally able to free some time to talk to him. He was upbeat about his trip to NYC this weekend to see a musical with his family. It sounds like things went well. He sounded happy.
We talked for over 4 hours this time -- a record for us. Again we solved all the world's problems....and some of ours too. LOL
It's a little strange to have only been acquainted with someone for 7 days....and to have spent a total of 10 hours on the telephone...comparing stories......marriages.....ministries......dreams.....hopes...... It feels as if he has been my friend forever.....and he just so recently appeared.
Hmmmmmm.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Bobby Sherman
Well, I seached on the Internet for a copy of that very old centerfold that took my breath away when I was in puberty. Never could find it.... But I did find centerfold number 2 that I had forgotten about. So here it is. Still kind of breathtaking after all these years.
Bobby Sherman is so cool.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Does Anyone Remember 16 Magazine?
Confession time!I was talking to my new minister friend last night and we started reminiscing about things we remembered from adolescence. I told him all about my junior high years and the fact that I willed myself to not show any physical response to having showers in physical education...over the summer of 1970 -- between the end of 6th grade and the start of 7th Grade (Jr. High).
I then confessed that I loved 16 Magazine that old fan magazine from the 1960s and early 70s that used to feature everything from Dark Shadows, Barnabas Collins to Bobby Sherman, David Cassidy and the Partridge Family. I had to laugh when the minister told me he had two Partridge Family LPs.
My favorite thing about the magazine was its wacky covers. It would have face pictures of all the current teen sensations (with a few famous hot adults for fun) that were glued to colorful drawn cartoon bodies doing outlandish things like surrounding the Easter Bunny who was in a top hat, or the issue of all of them swimming or in a rowboat 'manned" by an owl and a kitty cat; or surrounding a big St. Bernard. These were eye-catching for sure.
One of the things I most remember was when the editor, Gloria Stavers introduced the Adonis Gallery. This is where she ran pictures of these celebrities shirtless. Since the magazine's target audience was teenage girls, this was alright....but there were a few teenage boys who read it to. I really enjoyed reading it from cover to cover, but when the Adonis Gallery column began running regularly, it certainly spiced up my nocturnal emissions and masturbatory fantasies!
For whatever reason, most of the teen idols didn't affect me "that" way. I tended to really get into the older men and had secret crushes on real people in my life. I enjoyed David Cassidy because of his affiliation with the Partridges....and of course Jonathan Frid of Dark Shadows fame....but it was just because I loved the series' so -- not because of any sexual attraction.
However, one person really got to me "that way." The thing that triggered it was a pinup of Bobby Sherman. For the uninitated, Bobby was a singer and his first gig was to be host of the old 1960s dance program SHINDIG. He then went on to act in the ABC-TV series, "Here Comes The Brides". From there he launched into a full-fledged recording career and he appeared in a spinoff of the Partridge Family called "Getting Together." Now I think he's an EMT in LA.
Anyway, in this particular issue of the magazine, he was the adonis centerfold. Oh....my....goodness. There he was: shirtless....lying on his belly, with a red background and a red covering on the floor where he was prone. The picture ended very far down on his waist (he must have had on underwear or hip huggers), it left me breathless wondering what he looked like naked. He had a muscular chest...perfect hair......and a doe like quality to his facial expression that drove me nuts. I kept that magazine forever...and drooled over that picture for months. I did a quick search on the Web for that picture, but couldn't find it.
That must have been at the peak of my hormonal period....
My conversation with the minister brought back all those old....and somewhat painful memories of the past and just how hard it was to keep my feelings of being different bottled up inside.
Can you imagine what it's like for someone who is 10, 11, 12 or 13, who is struggling with these feelings? You can't figure out why it's you. You feel like you're the only freak on the planet. You certainly can't talk to anyone about it. Most of all, it's unacceptable....it's considered wrong.....something is wrong with me. No one talked about it.
At least now people are a whole lot more accepting.
I surfed the Web and found some scans of covers of 16 Magazine. If you remember it, enjoy!
Am I the only guy who read it?
Seeking Closeness With God!
Coming back from a retreat always leaves me wistful.
I seem to have this burning desire to grow closer to God and to live my life in a pleasing manner before him. But several things cause me to struggle: my religious background is not typical of those who have been involved in mainline denominations. So, I guess that is why I’m so comfortable being a part of the MCC of Northern Virginia. A vast majority of those people are like me. BUT…we do have those folks who have been to seminary that tend to be a bit condescending and rigid and controlling.
I was shocked to learn this firsthand this week.
BUT…
Those kinds of people are in every church on the planet.
So, why am I surprised? I mean really?
The bad thing about it is that it really affected me in negative ways. I mean, here I am cruising a warp speed…enjoying the blessings of God when all of a sudden….BAM….this woman appeared in my life to be a damper.
We agreed that she would provide a written document for me to review concerning something……and it has been a number of days. She’s not bothered to get it to me yet. So, I’ve got a sprig of mistrust about her….and just a tad of resentment and anger. Just enough to make my life interesting at this church I love so deeply.
I hide my feelings well……and in this case, I’ve done a yeoman’s job. No one knows that anything is wrong or that FRANK is “bent out of shape.”
These are my own little foxes I must deal with.
I must be careful that they don’t spoil my vine.
Last evening I had aanother extended talk with my newest friend. He’s a minister that lives several states away and he is dealing with coming out, wanting to separate, and coming out to his kids. He has had a painful past and I really want to grab him and give him a bearhug to say, “It’s all right. You’re gonna do fine.”
But, due to distance, I can’t do that….so I need to keep him in my prayers.
He sounds very nice……with a gentle and quiet spirit. I’d love to hear him preach sometime.
He and I have so much in common…it’s spooky.
I seem to have this burning desire to grow closer to God and to live my life in a pleasing manner before him. But several things cause me to struggle: my religious background is not typical of those who have been involved in mainline denominations. So, I guess that is why I’m so comfortable being a part of the MCC of Northern Virginia. A vast majority of those people are like me. BUT…we do have those folks who have been to seminary that tend to be a bit condescending and rigid and controlling.
I was shocked to learn this firsthand this week.
BUT…
Those kinds of people are in every church on the planet.
So, why am I surprised? I mean really?
The bad thing about it is that it really affected me in negative ways. I mean, here I am cruising a warp speed…enjoying the blessings of God when all of a sudden….BAM….this woman appeared in my life to be a damper.
We agreed that she would provide a written document for me to review concerning something……and it has been a number of days. She’s not bothered to get it to me yet. So, I’ve got a sprig of mistrust about her….and just a tad of resentment and anger. Just enough to make my life interesting at this church I love so deeply.
I hide my feelings well……and in this case, I’ve done a yeoman’s job. No one knows that anything is wrong or that FRANK is “bent out of shape.”
These are my own little foxes I must deal with.
I must be careful that they don’t spoil my vine.
Last evening I had aanother extended talk with my newest friend. He’s a minister that lives several states away and he is dealing with coming out, wanting to separate, and coming out to his kids. He has had a painful past and I really want to grab him and give him a bearhug to say, “It’s all right. You’re gonna do fine.”
But, due to distance, I can’t do that….so I need to keep him in my prayers.
He sounds very nice……with a gentle and quiet spirit. I’d love to hear him preach sometime.
He and I have so much in common…it’s spooky.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Two Days of Sunshine in a Row!
Today has dawned bright and beautiful. A brilliant blue sky and the glorious sun has finally appeared after all the damp, dreary and rainy days of the past couple of weeks. Here in the DC metropolitan area, many jurisdictions have been under drought conditions as the water table dipped to very low levels. But it seems now that we're on an upswing...finally.
After today, we're expecting more periods of heavy rain. Yikes.
Life continues to throw me curve balls.... I think I made someone angry last night...but it wasn't intended. I just defended my position on a matter rather vigorously rather than to just roll over and play dead. (I don't respond well to someone who is condescending and controlling.) So, we'll see.
Life goes on.
Western civilization has not stopped.
But this is a new place for me to be in. I actually defended ME.
When I think about it, if I don't defend me, who is going to?
Today is going to be a very busy day at the office. It is good to keep me occupied. This way I can be productive and to work at being the man that I should be.
I want so much to be a good person.....to possess those qualities in a person that makes me attractive to others.......because the ultimate goal is to be somebody's life partner -- a mighty fine one at that.
I think I'm a good catch....I just need to do better PR to get the word out!
After today, we're expecting more periods of heavy rain. Yikes.
Life continues to throw me curve balls.... I think I made someone angry last night...but it wasn't intended. I just defended my position on a matter rather vigorously rather than to just roll over and play dead. (I don't respond well to someone who is condescending and controlling.) So, we'll see.
Life goes on.
Western civilization has not stopped.
But this is a new place for me to be in. I actually defended ME.
When I think about it, if I don't defend me, who is going to?
Today is going to be a very busy day at the office. It is good to keep me occupied. This way I can be productive and to work at being the man that I should be.
I want so much to be a good person.....to possess those qualities in a person that makes me attractive to others.......because the ultimate goal is to be somebody's life partner -- a mighty fine one at that.
I think I'm a good catch....I just need to do better PR to get the word out!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Get That Boy Some Rest!
It's all catching up with me.
The excitement of the past few days including the week that my parents were here. It seems that I'm on a never ending treadmill of activity. This is okay actually because I don't like to be doing nothing.....or just sitting alone and feeling sorry for myself. I have a lot to be thankful for including the fact that I have been so very busy. It keeps the adrenaline flowing and my heart rate pumped. I'm just very, very excited about it all.
But tonight I am quite tired. I need to crawl in my big, soft bed and relax. Maybe I should curl up with a good book and begin reading. It's been quite sometime since I've read anything truly substantive. I do enjoy doing that and pondering the words of someone else.
I often dream of turning this blog into a book and perhaps broadening the audience a bit. I'm so amazed at the number of men who have been struggling with this issue and in some small way have found comfort in what accounts I have shared here. Also through my contacts within the gay community, I occasionally am placed into contact with those who are just starting their journey from married life into a single gay life.
Such was the case of one gentleman that telephoned me on Sunday evening. He's had quite a journey already. We are the same age, but there are many issues left to face as he makes his journey out of the closet and into the light of day. I honestly ache for him....because I know that the struggles he has had have been no picnic......and the journey ahead is going to be quite a painful one. When he says to his wife that he wants to separate and get a divorce....well...I think it is going to be a very tough struggle indeed. The numbness will set in and the fog will begin to swirl. He has children that do not know....so that's another disclosure he must contemplate. Finally, his livelihood could be destroyed with one false word or action by his wife.
I can tell that things are weighing on his mind. But there is just so much that I can do. He's a few hundred miles away. I've just been sending him cyber hugs...because I am not able to give him the real thing.
I'm praying for him.....and that God will open all the right doors for him.
It is so neat how people come into our lives.
Maybe I can be of help to him or offer a shoulder to cry on.....or be a sounding board.
The excitement of the past few days including the week that my parents were here. It seems that I'm on a never ending treadmill of activity. This is okay actually because I don't like to be doing nothing.....or just sitting alone and feeling sorry for myself. I have a lot to be thankful for including the fact that I have been so very busy. It keeps the adrenaline flowing and my heart rate pumped. I'm just very, very excited about it all.
But tonight I am quite tired. I need to crawl in my big, soft bed and relax. Maybe I should curl up with a good book and begin reading. It's been quite sometime since I've read anything truly substantive. I do enjoy doing that and pondering the words of someone else.
I often dream of turning this blog into a book and perhaps broadening the audience a bit. I'm so amazed at the number of men who have been struggling with this issue and in some small way have found comfort in what accounts I have shared here. Also through my contacts within the gay community, I occasionally am placed into contact with those who are just starting their journey from married life into a single gay life.
Such was the case of one gentleman that telephoned me on Sunday evening. He's had quite a journey already. We are the same age, but there are many issues left to face as he makes his journey out of the closet and into the light of day. I honestly ache for him....because I know that the struggles he has had have been no picnic......and the journey ahead is going to be quite a painful one. When he says to his wife that he wants to separate and get a divorce....well...I think it is going to be a very tough struggle indeed. The numbness will set in and the fog will begin to swirl. He has children that do not know....so that's another disclosure he must contemplate. Finally, his livelihood could be destroyed with one false word or action by his wife.
I can tell that things are weighing on his mind. But there is just so much that I can do. He's a few hundred miles away. I've just been sending him cyber hugs...because I am not able to give him the real thing.
I'm praying for him.....and that God will open all the right doors for him.
It is so neat how people come into our lives.
Maybe I can be of help to him or offer a shoulder to cry on.....or be a sounding board.
The Celebration Continues...
It has been an excellent day.
In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of my office life, my staff decided that they wanted to celebrate my 50th. So they gathered me up and whisked me away to one of my favorite restaurants and treated me to a nice lunch. They even surprised me with a visit from two former subordinates that retired a number of years ago!
GEE!
It was so good to see all of them and to celebrate with the "gang".
I just can't believe all the fuss that folks have made over me....
I sort of feel like Sally Field when she won her Oscar: "You like me....your REALLY like me!"
This event is the end of the celebrations. You're probably sick of hearing all about everything concerning my birthday.... So, I promise to not write another word!
In the meantime I keep taking one step after another...remembering with each step how far I've come on my journey. As I walk, I wonder if I will ever reach the place where I have another's strong hand in mine.....
In the meantime I will keep walking.
Alone.
In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of my office life, my staff decided that they wanted to celebrate my 50th. So they gathered me up and whisked me away to one of my favorite restaurants and treated me to a nice lunch. They even surprised me with a visit from two former subordinates that retired a number of years ago!
GEE!
It was so good to see all of them and to celebrate with the "gang".
I just can't believe all the fuss that folks have made over me....
I sort of feel like Sally Field when she won her Oscar: "You like me....your REALLY like me!"
This event is the end of the celebrations. You're probably sick of hearing all about everything concerning my birthday.... So, I promise to not write another word!
In the meantime I keep taking one step after another...remembering with each step how far I've come on my journey. As I walk, I wonder if I will ever reach the place where I have another's strong hand in mine.....
In the meantime I will keep walking.
Alone.
The Lesson of Trees
A friend from my church recently told me of her philosophy of friendships. She likens them to the parts of a tree.
She says that some people appear in one's life much like the leaves of a tree. Some are there for a few seasons and then they fade away and disappear.
Other people come into your life and are like branches. Some are strong and sturdy and can bend with your changing needs.... Others can be brittle and if you burden them down with too much, they crack or snap off and fall away. One needs to choose friends wisely and to be sensitive of what you can share.
Another set of people come into your life who are strong as a tree trunk. They are strong, sturdy and visible. You know who those people are. You know you can count on them. They are there through thick and thin.....through all sorts of weather. They stand tall and majestic.
Finally, there is another set of people that are perhaps the most important people of all in your life. They are the roots. Roots are the unseen anchors in your life. Those people behind the scenes who provide stability, depth, strength, and nourishment to your entire support system. You are rarely aware of them....but they're there. Unseen and unassuming.... They don't call attention to themselves.... They're just always there.
Monday, May 12, 2008
To The Man of My Dreams
A person in another one of those groups that I'm a member of wrote the following on Mother's Day. I relate to what it says and thought I'd share it with you.
TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS:
As the sun goes down I feel the day slipping through the fingers of time and reflect on its purpose and course. I know that it was a day spent and I know it was not the best. It did not have you in it and it did not have love. It may have been necessary and it may have been compelled, but it left me empty, wanting, and longing.
I dream of you in my days, to fill them full with purpose and fulfillment. I dream of nights that never end, yet speed so quickly and are gone. Nights with naked bodies hard and soft and aromatic and sensual. Bodies filled up with love and happiness. Bodies used and content and sufficient for their need.
I dream of the face of God made manifest in your eyes and heart and soul. Where I can go to know who I am and rejoice in the beauty and perfection and absolute acceptance and love. I dream of days without end where I can find you in them, beginning and end, to make each day complete. To make my soul complete. Then what happens within the times you're not possessed are okay and will not pull me down or make me regret.
My dream man, you need me to take care of you! I need you to take care of me!
How I wish I were there with you today! Oh to spend this night with you my love! How my heart and soul and body aches for that! You, mine...all mine! And I could make love to you as much as I want! I could make love to you with my heart and soul! I could make love to you so that the earth would stop in wonder at such love! My soul could sing such glorious songs! I need you so much! I miss you so much! It hurts in my hands and heart for the need of you! I need you so badly I wonder if I can breath for the need weighs down so heavy!
I've tried so hard to be strong and patient, and I have done well, have I not?
But sometimes when the day is long like today, my strength fails me and then I implode upon my need and it consumes me!
And there after all...what is left and shining in the ash? My love for you...my love for oh man of my dreams! My love image of you rises up from the ash like a phoenix new and reborn and full of power to save. My man is there with big strong arms and so much love and so much power to change my world and make my dreams come true! And he spreads his wonderful phoenix wings and soars into a perfect colored sunset sky and takes me with him!
******
I'm not alone in my dreams and longings.
The Story of the Crystal Cat
As we prepared for the beginning of the retreat, we were instructed to bring a personal item that represented our lives. So, I decided to take an item from my office.At the office, I have a piece of handblown crystal that has been there for approximately 17 years. It had caught my eye on the shelf, and I thought it would be a rather unique piece of art for my office.
It was made by an artisan at a glass plant in my home state of West Virginia that no longer exists. It was purchased by my dear Aunt Opal who passed away 13 years ago.
This cat represents my life in so many ways.
1. It has been said that cats have nine lives. I feel that I'm beginning a new life at the age of 50.
2. The cat was made in West Virginia. I was made in West Virginia.
3. The cat is made of clear crystal and is fairly transparent. If you hold him up to a bright light source, the resulting reflection would be a vast multi-colored rainbow. Like him, I'm rather transparent -- what you see is what you get. I feel though, that at the age of 50, I'm only just now allowing my rainbow shine fully.
That little cat has faithfully stood watch over my desk for the past 17 years. I haven't thought a lot about him. He just became a part of my office. But he still has stood watch through the many ups and downs in my life. He's been there through the many deaths of significant people in my life.
It was there as my three children grew and finally left the nest and went their own way.
It was there as my marriage faltered and ultimately crumbled and dissolved.
It's still here as I rise from the ashes and am now on the brink of new things.
I've learned a lot as I've pondered the lessons of the crystal cat.
I'm still learning.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Better Late Than Never!
I returned safely from my weekend spiritual retreat.
Once more I am stunned at the fact that I have gained so much by a very few short days spent focused on my spirit....and where that I am headed. This year we met in small groups for the majority of the weekend. I got a chance to really share some things deep from within and it helped me to be able to open up. Afterwards I felt so very close to my group mates.
I'm still amazed at the fact that even though I am being authentic in who I am while attending this retreat, these people still love me and accept me for who I am. They seem to love me unconditionally which means so very much to me. I can't begin to describe it here.
I still struggle with loneliness.....and the desire to have a boyfriend/partner/husband. The retreat helped me to realize that I may very well spend the rest of my days alone. Which I guess is okay.....but God knows that I pray this won't happen. I have so much love to give to someone. I don't want that to ever shrivel up and to die.
This weekend was busy from a family point of view too. My mother turned 74 on Friday. I sent her two dozen mixed, long stem roses -- one dozen for Mother's Day and one dozen for her birthday. I also heard from my daughter in Nashville who has spent the majority of this day trying to reach her mother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day....and unable to reach her. My son just came in for the evening and he announced the same problem.
I guess Lovey is keeping busy......with all her ministry stuff. I think she should make herself available to her children on such important days.....regardless of what is going on..... But obviously she hasn't....
(Then she wonders why she doesn't have a close relationship with the kids.)
I have no dogs in this fight...so I will leave it all alone.
It is pouring rain outside.....and I am having leaks in my bathroom through the ceiling vent. I'll call this week for repairs.
But I'm so thankful to be home.
Pray for me.
Once more I am stunned at the fact that I have gained so much by a very few short days spent focused on my spirit....and where that I am headed. This year we met in small groups for the majority of the weekend. I got a chance to really share some things deep from within and it helped me to be able to open up. Afterwards I felt so very close to my group mates.
I'm still amazed at the fact that even though I am being authentic in who I am while attending this retreat, these people still love me and accept me for who I am. They seem to love me unconditionally which means so very much to me. I can't begin to describe it here.
I still struggle with loneliness.....and the desire to have a boyfriend/partner/husband. The retreat helped me to realize that I may very well spend the rest of my days alone. Which I guess is okay.....but God knows that I pray this won't happen. I have so much love to give to someone. I don't want that to ever shrivel up and to die.
This weekend was busy from a family point of view too. My mother turned 74 on Friday. I sent her two dozen mixed, long stem roses -- one dozen for Mother's Day and one dozen for her birthday. I also heard from my daughter in Nashville who has spent the majority of this day trying to reach her mother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day....and unable to reach her. My son just came in for the evening and he announced the same problem.
I guess Lovey is keeping busy......with all her ministry stuff. I think she should make herself available to her children on such important days.....regardless of what is going on..... But obviously she hasn't....
(Then she wonders why she doesn't have a close relationship with the kids.)
I have no dogs in this fight...so I will leave it all alone.
It is pouring rain outside.....and I am having leaks in my bathroom through the ceiling vent. I'll call this week for repairs.
But I'm so thankful to be home.
Pray for me.
Friday, May 09, 2008
As Promised: Pictures from the Bash!
Here are the pictures from my birthday celebration. I'm still a bit in shock by it all. It was totally awesome. The first picture is of all my birthday cards that I've received in the mail...not counting the email greetings. Considering a year ago I felt alone...and isolated.....that little resolution back at the beginning of 2007 certainly worked! (I said that one of the things I wanted to do was to expand my network of friends. I'm living proof that someone shy can make really great friends.)
I'll be away for the next few days at a church retreat. I'll post sometime on Sunday. Have a safe and happy weekend.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Recap
Things have been quite wacky at my house this entire week. My parents arrived by train from their home in West Virginia last Wednesday. I took both Thursday and Friday off because Thursday was my big day, and Friday I had to travel to the airport to pick up #2. That evening, my son the Marine, arrived and Saturday was the BIG day of my birthday bash. And what a day it was!
I had over 40 people come to my house and express their best wishes for a Happy 50th! They all took their time and enjoyed being with each other. My parents got to meet all my friends who came and got to know them. They, in turn, got to know my family and meet my son.
The party began at 1:00 p.m., and the last guests left my house around 7:30 in the evening. It was a long and exhausting day, but it left me feeling pleased with myself. I could actually see just how far I had come. In the midst of all the rubble and debris I found myself in following the separation and divorce from Lovey, I had no friends. It was a lonely and sad feeling that I never wish to repeat ever again.
What a difference!
As a birthday present to myself, I had some professional landscaping done in the front of my house and in the back. I powerwashed my patio. Cleaned off the deck. Scrubbed the patio furniture. Cleaned the inside of my house from stem to stern. Cleaned the hardwood floors. Shampooed carpets. Hung pictures. Vacuumed. Everything looked great!
I’m still getting feedback from my guests who are calling to thank me for being a warm and gracious host and for inviting them.
Lovey showed up with her mother and aunt. All my friends told me afterwards that she was a little rude towards them….in one case she totally turned her back on one person and walked away, mid-conversation. As I mingled with the crowds in my den, dining room, kitchen and deck and patio areas (the day was perfect weather), I could see that Lovey was sitting alone in my living room! Apparently, much was on her mind.
Thankfully, it was not my job to figure out her problem.
She returned on Sunday afternoon to spend a little time with #2 before she caught her flight back to Nashville. When Lovey left, mother said that she had a very forlorn look about her and her body language was less than victorious. (I was too busy helping #2 pack and get ready to leave to notice that she had even left.)
So, later on today I plan to run a post of pictures so that you can see what’s been happening at my house….and to let you get a sense of the party.
I’m glad that I hosted my party. It was a great day!
I had over 40 people come to my house and express their best wishes for a Happy 50th! They all took their time and enjoyed being with each other. My parents got to meet all my friends who came and got to know them. They, in turn, got to know my family and meet my son.
The party began at 1:00 p.m., and the last guests left my house around 7:30 in the evening. It was a long and exhausting day, but it left me feeling pleased with myself. I could actually see just how far I had come. In the midst of all the rubble and debris I found myself in following the separation and divorce from Lovey, I had no friends. It was a lonely and sad feeling that I never wish to repeat ever again.
What a difference!
As a birthday present to myself, I had some professional landscaping done in the front of my house and in the back. I powerwashed my patio. Cleaned off the deck. Scrubbed the patio furniture. Cleaned the inside of my house from stem to stern. Cleaned the hardwood floors. Shampooed carpets. Hung pictures. Vacuumed. Everything looked great!
I’m still getting feedback from my guests who are calling to thank me for being a warm and gracious host and for inviting them.
Lovey showed up with her mother and aunt. All my friends told me afterwards that she was a little rude towards them….in one case she totally turned her back on one person and walked away, mid-conversation. As I mingled with the crowds in my den, dining room, kitchen and deck and patio areas (the day was perfect weather), I could see that Lovey was sitting alone in my living room! Apparently, much was on her mind.
Thankfully, it was not my job to figure out her problem.
She returned on Sunday afternoon to spend a little time with #2 before she caught her flight back to Nashville. When Lovey left, mother said that she had a very forlorn look about her and her body language was less than victorious. (I was too busy helping #2 pack and get ready to leave to notice that she had even left.)
So, later on today I plan to run a post of pictures so that you can see what’s been happening at my house….and to let you get a sense of the party.
I’m glad that I hosted my party. It was a great day!
Friday, May 02, 2008
A Wonderful Day
So far, turning 50 has been outstanding and perhaps the highlight of my life thus far.
I have had a simply delightful day with my parents. We've talked.....we've reflected......we've laughed......and we have been so thankful for the blessings that I'm now experiencing.
The age of 50 is a milestone...and I really look forward to the next 50 years. Hopefully by that time I will have found a partner -- GAWD I hope he is gorgeous...LOL. Seriously, I'm expecting some really neat things to happen. I'm looking forward to see what my kids do with their lives....and to see when their mates come into their lives. (As an aside...I know I got grief from some of you because of my comments about Mr. Bodybuilder...and how he left my daughter's life. However, I'm proud to report that he and #2 have patched things up...and they are chugging back down the path of dating.....and love......and the butterflies in the stomach.....and the fear of figuring out just how far they want things to go.....blah....blah. I still feel that he is "the one" for her. I'm not telling her this. I telling each of you this because I want to, at some point, be able to reach to this posting and point to it and say, "See, I knew this all along!" We'll see.)
Saturday is the BIG celebration for my birthday. I'm having 54 people in. Isn't that great? Especially when you consider that during the awful period of separation and divorce, I felt I had no friends.
I am so thankful for being at the place I now am. It's been a long time coming.
Yes, my life is coming together nicely.
I have had a simply delightful day with my parents. We've talked.....we've reflected......we've laughed......and we have been so thankful for the blessings that I'm now experiencing.
The age of 50 is a milestone...and I really look forward to the next 50 years. Hopefully by that time I will have found a partner -- GAWD I hope he is gorgeous...LOL. Seriously, I'm expecting some really neat things to happen. I'm looking forward to see what my kids do with their lives....and to see when their mates come into their lives. (As an aside...I know I got grief from some of you because of my comments about Mr. Bodybuilder...and how he left my daughter's life. However, I'm proud to report that he and #2 have patched things up...and they are chugging back down the path of dating.....and love......and the butterflies in the stomach.....and the fear of figuring out just how far they want things to go.....blah....blah. I still feel that he is "the one" for her. I'm not telling her this. I telling each of you this because I want to, at some point, be able to reach to this posting and point to it and say, "See, I knew this all along!" We'll see.)
Saturday is the BIG celebration for my birthday. I'm having 54 people in. Isn't that great? Especially when you consider that during the awful period of separation and divorce, I felt I had no friends.
I am so thankful for being at the place I now am. It's been a long time coming.
Yes, my life is coming together nicely.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Happy Birthday Frank!
Well, the big day has finally arrived and yours truly can now say, "I'm as old as dirt!"
Aw, not really. I understand that these days 50 is considered the new 30.
So, here I am starting the next half of my life. I pray that it is gonna be much more fun than the first half was. Oh, there were some great times durin the first 50, but there was a lot of useless drama, sadness, and heartache. But that was then, this is now.
My parents arrived all safe and sound yesterday evening. I then took them to dinner at Cllyde's....a super nice restaurant not far from where I live. They said they would have enjoyed Wendy's, but I wanted to do something nicer for them. So we went to the restaurant of my choice, and they seemed to enjoy it.
Dad was just a bit cantankerous....but I gently kept things positive...and he got okay.
I worry about him.
So, here I am....officially 50 years old!
What's next?
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