A Fall Update

As I write this, I am sitting at Mom's desk, in her beloved addition known as "The Family Room" where she spent many of her last days. Of course, she wasn't able to do much with the computer....but in times past, she did. So, I'm writing this after having spent the weekend here trying to do some stuff.

There is so much to do. But I have accomplished much. For instance, I have been going throught he clothes closets in the upstairs bedrooms. I found Daddy's collection of leisure suits....all neatly pressed and in their dry clean plastic since the very time over thirty years ago he last wore them; my high school letter jacket...that needs cleaning, but I can still wear it; boxes lovingly packed with my toys; an owl bank that I was given at 5 years of age; tons of junk; and, 5 weapons.

Yes, you read correctly: 5 weapons -- rifles to be exact.

What am I going to do with 5 rifles....5 VERY OLD rifles. One was my grandfather Vance's. One was my great grandfather Moore's. The other three just belonged to Daddy. I have not yet located the pistols. So, I should have quite the collection by the time this is all over.

I am beginning to deal better with my parents' loss. Today I went to the cemetery and paid my respects and this time did not shed ANY tears. But I remembered some great times...and I found myself smiling as I brushed away the grass clippings from their monument.

In its way, it was cathartic for me. I was able to put some things into perspective. But...it is so strange to be sitting here....and writing this.....and not having them running around doing something or watching CNN.

The gay issue is still very much alive in my heart. Gosh how I wish I had one person here with me now.....someone to snuggle with....or to, as I have said many times, to bury my head into his chest....and to be held. But, for whatever reason...it is not happening...and I am just dealing with what I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

It's Sunday night.....after a full day....and a very full weekend.....of various activities.

Now it's time for me to settle down....and to ponder....to pray....and see what happens next.

Keeping the Train in Motion

As dawn breaks over the DC metro area, your gay pal Frank is busy at work trying to determine the best course of action to take in order to get estate issues settled for his parents...and moving down the track of his life.

So, Friday of this week, I am headed back to my parents' home....which is now my house....to continue the renovations that were begun in July. I plan to spend all of next week there...cleaning and getting rid of paper....and just unusable junk, which, for whatever reason, my parents did not feel the need to throw away. I also have to dig into the clothes closets to see what is there and get clothing to Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Then, I need to tackle the attics (there are two of them).... One I investigated was chocked full of "stuff." The other attic which is on the extreme top of the house I have never been in. So, I have no clue what's up "there."

There's the outbuilding....that is again filled to capacity with "stuff." Finally, in the large crawl space under our house is where my parents stored all the toys I ever played with. So, I cannot wait to see those things.

Then there is Mom's china and glassware collection, photographs, furniture, a victrola or two, old recordings, tapes, video cassettes, etc.

So, I have my work cut-out for me. AND, it's just going to be me. I know tht I can't get it all done, but I am going to take my time....and possibly mourn...alone. Then, beginning next Thursday, I have an impressive group of friends from my MCC church here coming to be with me to help paint....do yard work.....box up....etc. They are traveling EIGHT HOURS one way to be with me. I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me.

They will be spending the entire Labor Day Weekend with me....

The house is going to have new siding and windows installed. I've already redone a couple of rooms...painted...recarpeted....etc.

So the train has left the station and is slowly moving forward.

I am also thankful for the community of friends that have been introduced into my life over the last 5 years. They are quick to say how much they love me...and what a blessing I am to their lives. (I'm amazed by this.)

My main fan club is a posse of about 15 lesbians. They are firmly entrenched in my corner. A couple of them have said privately that if they were straight....and I was straight.....we'd be married. So, for a gay guy....this is indeed a high honor to have two lesbians say this about you.

But, **sigh**, I am not straight....and I have the longing for a special man in my life. There, too, however, I am blessed because in my sphere there are a few men who fit that bill. They are also of the romantic relationship quality...but the current relationships I have with each does not include romance....although at times I wish it did.

So as this train continues to chug down the track and pick up steam...there is so many goals I have.....so many dreams I have....and then there are the wishes....

Where Do I Go From Here?

When one is an only child, one contemplates the death of parents almost from day one. I was always afraid of being left as an orphan...a helpless, lonely orphan. In my childhood, I always had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when my parents would go on trips...or we would be in the car together. My mind would always picture them not coming back....or us having an automobile accident where I would be the only survivor.

It was scary.

As I have grown into adulthood, I had backup plans in place. I thought I would have my wife standing nearby to help me through the bad times. When one parent died... I thought I would have the support of the other parent until they died.

I thought my dad would always be the first to leave, and that Mom would live to a very, very old age and perhaps live with me.

But then 2005 happened....my wife became my ex. Mother was the first diagnosed with cancer. She died first and in the process of her dying, Dad, too was stricken with cancer. His mental state was not the best and he started suffering from dementia. He had to move in with me and was unable to care for himself...or his finances....or his house. He was like an orphan...and I was the parent. I cared for him until the very end.

Then he died...and now I am left as an adult, helpless and lonely orphan.

Oh, I did have the support of my children....and yes, the ex-wife did show some compassion.

But I have had to make a lot of heavy decisions...ALONE.

The gay thing has also been at work in a bizarre sort of way.

So here I am, trying to sort out the little things: what am I going to do with my parents' belongings, the house, the antiques, the china collection, the furniture, the coin collection -- all the stuff that my parents held precious and priceless.

I am surrounded by countless friends who mean the world to me. They call me to find out how I am doing. They support me through the good and bad times.

God has been faithful.

A group of my church friends are traveling to my WV house on Labor Day to help me.

I can't believe it.

I am learning to accept care....and love....and help...with out that old WV pride intervening.

I am also learning what it means to be a good friend. Gosh, I hope I have been as good to others as they are being to me at this time in my life. I will definitely pay all this forward.

CRASH!

Well, I have returned from the beach....all rested and refreshed. The only problem is that the time literally whizzed by. But I had a super good time. I really needed the vacation a lot more than I ever suspected. The years working with my terminally ill parents had certainly taken its toll. Now I am working to settle the estate stuff...and get my house in WV emptied so that I can have it rented over the fall.

Returned home and fired up my shiny new IMAC desktop....and it crashed. I don't believe that there is anything sadder than a sick MAC. Normally they work flawlessly...but something made this one die prematurely....so I wound up wiping out the hard drive and reinstalling the operating system and all the software. Things seem to be working a lot better now...but I still have not resurrected my email or ITunes....all my picture libraries are safe and sound....THANK GOD. Keep your fingers crossed.

The Beach

As I write this, it is late at night. I am locked away in my condo on the 17th Floor Condo at the beach. From my balcony, I can watch the Atlantic Ocean as its waves crash to the shore. It is incredibly soothing to be able to just sit and to be.

A few weeks ago, as I was contemplating my life of losses during the past 12 months, I decided that for my own wellbeing, I needed to get away ALONE....to process all the stuff I have been dealing with. I needed a place where I could just sit and cry if need be.

So, the only place that I felt I could really be "at home" was the beach I went to as a child with my parents. We came here first nearly 50 years ago. I've found the places we used to go. It is just so amazing now to sit and see it alone.

As I have rested and done the things I have wanted to do...I have used the time to meditate.....to my thoughts in order....and to rest. I didn't know how much I needed this time away...until I got here. So with a few more days left, I am going to begin drafting a manuscript of my thoughts on the gay thing....of loss.....of change....of new beginnings.....and use this blog as the base for it.

It may never see the light of day at a publisher....but it can't ever be published at all if it doesn't get written. So as a way to process my grief, I am going to begin the process.....take my time....and see what happens.

Keep your fingers crossed as I embark on this new labor.

I will be writing here more regularly too.

Stay tuned.

Here's a family picture taken in 1965 at a statue here in a botanical garden......and what the same statue looks like nearly 50 years later......yesterday....

Nothing pretty....

This evening has been a mess...for me.

I have had both parents on my mind....and all I seem to be able to do is fight back the tears. I am a mess....a blubbering mess.

This is all new territory for me. I thought going through the separation and divorce were bad....but it is nothing compared to this dull ache that I feel in the center of my chest because of the tremendous loss of those two people who gave me life. I feel so very alone...and there is not one thing that can be done about it to lessen this pain. In the words of one of my counsellors....there is no way to get around it, but to charge right on through the middle of it....meet it head on...and go from there.

So, as I sit and process my feelings....I'm not feeling too victorious...or particularly spiritual... about what I'm feeling. I wish that I could sit here and say..."Ah...I have given it all to the Lord!" Or that "Jesus has made me feel better!"

I can't say any of that.

I wish I could be a spiritual giant. I wish I could laugh and smile again. I wish I could feel that song in my heart...and joy in each footstep.

But....I .... can't.

I want my mom and dad back. I want to be able to scoop them up in my arms and tell them how much I love them....and how much they mean to me...

But I can't.

And it hurts...so bad.

When I started this blog five years ago....I said that it would be unvarnished....not airbrushed....not done in any way to make me look good. Not edited to take out the bad parts. But you'd have the real me.

And here I am -- warts and tears and sobs and all...

Nothing pretty for sure.

I need some sleep....

Monday

It's Monday once again. I can't believe just how quickly summer is passing -- and I must say this is not the kind of summer I had thought I would have.

The death of both my parents in such a short period of time -- and the impending death of my beloved cocker spaniel -- have taken a tremendous toll on me. Some days when I awaken, I feel as though I am in a fog. The tremendous feelings of sadness....and aloneness......and of overwhelming loss all weigh in and to be honest I feel like the walls of my life are moving in on me -- ready to squeeze what life I have left -- out of me.

Then there are those feelings of feeling truly like an orphan. Truth be told...I am one...albeit and adult one.

All this has put my life on hold as I navigate the sea of grief....

Last week I had one ray of sunshine. It came in the form of another gay man. He contacted me on one of those silly dating sites....and...he and I shared some really good emails. He sent pictures....I sent pictures.

You know the drill.

By the end of the week, he was texting me....and saying how much he was thinking about me.....and how much he enjoyed our telephone conversations and email exchanges.

So, at his insistance, we scheduled a meeting -- last Friday.

Suffice it to say that it turned out to be one of those typical gay meetings that results in all the ground you think you gained last week is now lost this week.

Once again it hurt.

Once again I felt used.

Once again I felt silly for even thinking anything positive would come out of one of those dating sites.

So, here I sit on this beautiful summer day. Tempted to feel sorry for myself in every facet of my life. Date number 4,297 fell through. He has now gone off to his next conquest probably. I'm an orphan. I'm grieving the loss of the two people who have known me the best and the longest.

It sucks.

It's bad.

I've made this comment before about my love life. I look around and see some gay couples who are happily partnered. I look at them and wonder to myself: "Wow. I wonder how they found each other? I would never have put the two of them together!"

Then a portion of me turns resentful....and I think, "What's wrong with me then? If they can do it, why not me?"

The answer never comes.

I grow wistful.

Misty-eyed.

Feeling like this is how my life is going to be....until the day I die.

It's just gonna be me and only me.

Bummer.

Things Are Tough

Each day brings me one day closer to the big event: Dad's memorial service.

I am having a hard time dealing with all this. The odd thing about it is that I was a whole lot closer to my mother growing up and during my adulthood....but these last 8 months have certainly drawn Dad and me very close...almost inseparable. With all that said, I found dealing with mother's death in some ways a lot easier than this one.

I don't know how to explain this. Perhaps it's the fact that I was with Dad 24/7 for 8 full months. I saw his good days...and his bad days....I was fiercely protective of him. I wanted him to know how much he was loved....and that he was safe. I believe I succeeded in that. At times I wonder if Mom knew how much I cared for her too.

She knew everything there was to know about me...including the gay thing. But...we had both agreed to not tell Dad about it. He had suffered so many "mini-strokes" and stayed in such a rattled state....it probably would have caused him some unneeded angst.

Although it felt as though my world had ended in October when Mom passed.....I immediately switched from her death....to immediate caregiver for Dad.

I think I didn't have appropriate time to grieve.

So, now I'm playing catchup.

The silliest things do it.

Driving down the road......and seeing a place that Dad and I visited in DC not long ago. Hearing music he loved. Looking at the video footage I am putting in the multimedia memorail for his service. Remembering the old days and how I wish that my mom and dad were still around.

Being an only child sucks.

Being an only gay child sucks even more....

Being a single and an only gay child sucks the most....

And not in a good way.

Why do I have to walk this season of my life alone? Oh I have three wonderful grown children that I am very close too. I have tons of friends. But why am I alone in this world without a companion.....without a special man.

I honestly think this is how it is going to be.....

ALONE.

Tears and Memories

It was not a good day yesterday.....and I had a hellish night because I woke up at 2:30 this morning and remained awake until about 5:00.

I just could not get my parents off my mind....and to be very honest....I overwhelmed myself with thinking about all the things I have to do. It felt like I was in a mud hole and stuck.....with my wheels spinning madly to try and get me on the move again.

Today I'm going to have a little fun...to get my mind off things.

We'll see.

Beginning Again...

Much has happened since my last post here. Again I apologize for the length of time between posts.

As you have read this blog you have known that in addition to my being a formerly married man who struggled with being gay, I am also an only child who has been dealing with significant elder care issues for my parents. Mom was diagnosed with colon cancer beginning in 2006. We thought we had beat that, but in the late summer of 2008, we learned that she had lung cancer that had metastasized into her bones...her hip....and her skull.

Aggressive radiation, chemo, and a total hip replacement contributed to her remission which lasted 15 months. In May 2010, the cancer returned with a vengeance...finally taking her life on October 11, 2010.

She smoked.....heavily....for years....and never stopped...even during her battles with cancer.

Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November 2009. He underwent aggressive radiation and chemo....as well as "cyber-knife" procedures...

Following Mom's death, it became quickly apparent that Dad was not able to live by himself or take care of himself. So, I dragged him -- kicking and screaming -- to live at my home in the DC metro area.

Daddy adjusted to living with me fairly quickly. It was good getting to have him here and we had a ball. I exposed him to a lot of different types of food....people of different backgrounds....and I even brought in some gay folks into the mix.

He thrived!

Sadly though, following a family reunion back in WV at the beginning of this month, he took a turn for the worst. His lung cancer spread to the other lung causing it to collapse. He went to the local hospice house and died on June 13.

I am devestated...

I have lost both my parents within 8 months of each other. I am an only child.

Now I have so many decisions to make.... Daddy's service is July 9. He was cremated at his request. The obituary is written. I had a professional picture of him taken just two weeks before his death.

But I am taking heart in the fact that with all this gloom, doom, death, dying...I was actually able to have good quality time with Daddy. In his words, "We were finally able to say things to each other that we should have said years ago..."

He was my buddy.

I have no regrets.

I kept him safe...he knew he was loved...and now he is gone.

I suppose what I am facing is the double whammy of grief over losing both parents in such a short timeframe. I don't think I actually got to mourn my mom's passing, because I was so wrapped up in Dad's move, healthcare, and all the related decisions.

Now it is all cascading around me...

All I can do is wade through it....

and begin again...

In the Wee Hours

I went to bed quite early last night, only to have been awakened by my dad's snoring...and now I can't seem to get back to sleep. So very much on my mind these days. It just doesn't seem to take a whole lot to upset my sleeping patterns.

Work continues. There is so much to work with there. Then I have the photo shoot coming up at the end of the week. THEN...I am worried about my dad. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I have a cousin who is also suffering from lung cancer back home....and he is in intensive care. I think his time is coming...and he is in the same hospital as mom was in....and he's suffering from the same final symptoms that mom did.

Will things ever get back to normal for me....and will I ever face a time where everyone is NOT dying from cancer?

I am at a loss...

The night goes on...

Another Week

So here I am at the start of another week. I'm exhausted. The past few nights I have not slept all that well. Dad has been restless....he's coughed....he's wheezed.....he's gotten up and down through the night -- all of which have awakened me and interrupted whatever sleep cycle I was in.

This week is going to be kind of interesting. I have been commissioned to be the principle photographer for an gay christian conference here in DC. I will be busy Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and all day Saturday. Thankfully, next Monday I will be off to catch up.

It's gonna be quite busy...but I hope I will get some really good photographs. I have a straight photographer buddy assisting....so it will be interesting watching him react to things. I took him to Gay Pride last year and he had a ball....even though he was approached by the Radical Faeries to have his crotch blessed. See the articles attached with the label to this post.

Heard from a long lost "friend" last night through the Silverdaddies Web site. This friend and I had gotten fairly close last summer. The last I saw of him was in mid September, just before I headed home to take care of my folks and the loss of my mom.

He was actually someone I had had high hopes for. He was attractive...gentle....and a man of faith....all of which I find quite attractive....but then he literally dropped off the planet.

Here's the email that came to me last night out of the blue. What would you think if this had come to you?

Hi Frank,
I hope this finds you well and accepting of my apologies for just cutting you off recently... I really can't say why at the time I felt the way I did, but you have been in my thoughts lately and when I saw you online I wanted to say hello with the possibility of a friendship renewed...

I know you have a lot going on and have no reason to reply, but you deserved the apology just the same..

Take good care and may God bless...

Recently? Did he say recently? Is 8 months without any word considered recent? Frankly, I don't know what to think and responded with a simple, "What happened?"

No response.

People can be so strange.....especially gay men.

Thoughts on Mother's Day 2011

I am having a month of milestones -- a number of them firsts, and it has been harder than I ever thought it would. I had expected Mother's Day and my mom's birthday to provide one-two punches...but was surprised at just how hard my 53rd Birthday was on May 1.

You see, my mom and I had this little tradition that we have done every year since I have been an adult living away from home. Every year, without fail, she would call me up at the time I arrived all those years ago and as soon as I would answer the phone (at 6:52am), all bleary eyed.....there she was with her gleeful voice on the other end of the phone saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY'! Some years she would end that with her rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

And each year, the funny thing was that I would forget she was gonna do that...

Each year when the phone would ring on my day....at that ungodly hour....I'd mutter to myself...."Who on earth is calling me at this hour of the morning....don't they know that we're asleep?"

And then...on the end of that line...was that unmistakeable voice excitedly saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY....then that song. My frustration would just melt and we both would crack up....because she had "gotten me" yet another time!

Year after year....it would happen.

Until this year.

May 1st arrived....and no calls happened until later on in the morning....when I heard from my children....and assorted friends.

Oh, I got up and went to church. Took care of my dad..... Jessica took me to a late lunch.... Then another group of friends to us to dinner that night at Tyson's Corner.

But my mom, the person I have known the longest in my life was the one in my thoughts.

This was the first Mother's Day without her. In my quiet alone moments....there she was in my thoughts....and the tears have fallen.

Grief is hard. But Mother's Day was not as bad as my birthday...

Yesterday was her 77th Birthday!

I thought of her all day long.

Frank is Playing Catch Up!

Dear Readers:

I apologize for being gone for so very long, but things have just been kind of busy.

As I alluded to in my super short note earlier in the week, I appear to be going through a relatively "good patch." BUT there have been some bumps along the way.

Since I haven't gone back to read my blog to see what I have told you, I may be repeating myself as I write this post. Please forgive me if I have.

Back in September and October while I was in WV with my dying mother....and my ailing father, one of the people who work for me kept in very close contact with me. She called me basically every other day....just to see how I was....and to see if there was something she might be able to do to lift my spirits. I appreciated everything she did....and upon my return...she was even more attentive.

This lady has worked for me about 20 years. (That's the one thing I find very interesting: when people come to work for me....they never leave! LOL)

I came back to work on October 26.

I was buried and worked very hard to dig out. Then, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, which was November 21, she had a seizure that surprised us all. In fact, the symptoms made it appear that it was a stroke....but in the end...after all the examining and prodding and scanning, we found that she had a large cancerous brain tumor, cancer in her lungs....and cancer on her liver.

Immediately, doctors went to work to remove the tumor in her brain and have her undergo aggressive radiation. As you may know, radiation does a number on a person...and in her case, it nearly wiped her out. Her body chemistry went haywire...and she never regained strength to have the chemo. Over time, the cancer returned to her brain and began to spread. Her cancer spread to her kidneys....and she finally died peacefully on March 27.

Her sons, 30 and 33, then turned to me for guidance. I spent a lot of time trying to help them as best as I could: she had not taken advantage of some of the perks with our life insurance company......she had no will......her children weren't on any of her bank accounts.....and on top of everything....no one had explained to them about probate....and the fact that someone needed to file 2010 taxes on her behalf as well as preparing 2011 taxes.

It was sad.....it was a bit scary.....and very stressful.

For the funeral, I was asked to speak a Eulogy....AND serve as a pallbearer.

It was a very long day.

But as bad as this experience was....I learned somethign profound: you just never know what an impact you can have on someone else's life.

I certainly did not know it.

I can't really begin to say how many people from her family came up to me to say:

"So, you're Frank.....you just don't know what all she had to say about you. I feel like I know you," etc....etc.

I cried...and cried for my loss of her.....and how she worked so hard to make me laugh during my trials and tribulations.

While she was in the hospital and rehab center...I did the very same thing. I spent much time trying to make her laugh.....or to grin. It usually worked until we reached the beginning of the end.

It has been a month already....and I still cannot believe she is no more!

So no matter how I bitch at the thought of being alone.....and having no one to love me......I look at the one that left here.....
I really know better.

So, I can't help but think how blessed I am to have friends from every corner of the planet. These are folks who have said they love me.....and are supportive in so many different ways. My problems are so small. I have a brand new appreciation for my faith.

Yes the gay formerly married guy is thankful for all his blessings.

Oh, and by the way, there are some new men in my life......not sure how they will play out....but they are there.

I just need to have some direction on how to proceed.

A Good Patch

Frank is going through a good patch right at the moment. No major catastrophes as of this writing. Dad is still hanging on...and seems in relatively good spirits.

I'm doing okay....

Will write more shortly....I apologize for the big gap....

Lots to tell.

Don't go away!

"YOU SHALL NOT LIE WITH A MAN AS WITH A WOMAN" -- A New Interpretation of Leviticus

"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman"........ a new interpretation.

When a woman asks questions about her appearance..... like the classic "Does this make my ass look fat?" ...... it is okay to lie to her. In fact, it is polite, civilized, expected, the all-around right thing to do.

However, it is not okay to lie with a man this way. NO excuses. You have to tell him the truth. He's a man; he can take it.



That's it. That's all. Nothing to do with homosexuality.

Gay Bitchiness 101

It seems that gay guys can be more bitchy than women who are in the midst of their period!

I mean no harm in this ladies...but you know?

Let me explain.

A few years ago I played with a much older guy who was going through a divorce. He lived in a very exclusive area....lived alone in this humongous house....BIG pool. We had fun. We met through mutual friends...and he told me his story....and I told him my story. Nothing to write home about. The playtime was good. No problems. We had dinner together...hung out....and did normal stuff.

BUT...

Then my mother and dad's illness took center stage and I soon did not have the time to devote to my "hobbies"...and the guy. He kept trying to get me to join him at these wild sex parties he knew of....told me that I would be perfect in their basement....

But that was a bit too racy for me. I declined.

We lost contact.

That is, until TODAY.

We belong to this internet chat group....and we were talking about age disparity. He interjects how he knows me....how I'm scary....I'm way too intense...and that we only had sex one time...and it was okay....blah....blah and that I was looking for a commitment and how he didn't know me......

I was stunned.

So, even though he flamed me in front of the 12,000+ members of the group....I wrote him privately:


"You are confusing me with someone else. We have been together more than once. Not one time did we discuss commitment and boy, am I far from intense. Further, if I was all that "scary" it did not stop you from attempting more involvment.

I refuse to go deeper into this. But the reaso it ended, I though was due to the illnesses and subsequent death of my mother.

Sorry if you find that scary!

As for "I just don't go for the heavy relationship centered discussions too early in a relationship -- too needy and too loaded with ideas of commitment when I don't even know him and am only concerned about sex at the moment counting on later to work on the relationship if there is a mutual interes."

We never went there in our discussions. I fear this comment says more about you than I care to know. Our fun together was just that. I was not ready for a relationship.

So sorry that you forgot.

Kissing and telling is bad form, especially in a venue such as this."

ICK! Things like this make me kind of glad I am single....and alone....and able to just hang out with friends.

This kind of thing makes me feel even more estranged from the whole gay male dating scene....even though there are times when I crave companionship deeply.

My Neighbor

Cheri is an interesting woman that lives across my street. She has been known to hang out considerably with the neighborhood gossip that lives next to her. She has taken it upon herself to mow her neighbor's lawns....replace brickwork...remove plants and replace them with what she likes best.

She also worked in my agency until she retired a few years ago...rather abruptly.

In my case...she ruined my lawn contract by removing boxwoods that were awaiting removal by my lawn company, who were awaiting new plants to install. She liked hastas better...and installed them.

I was livid.

But that was last summer.

Several weeks ago I guess it all became too much for her.

She committed suicide by swallowing a handful of pills.

Her cat sitter found her in the kitchen.

Only a few notes were left....about where the financial paperwork was....where the car title was.....where the deed was...... Her closet was empty...except for one dress and one pair of shoes. Post-it notes with red arrows pointed in the direction of where important things were.

She instructed:

* no funeral
* no obituary
* she was to be cremated
* her ashes were to be placed in the plainest of containers
* her ashes were to be scattered over some body of water.
* her furnishings and contents of her home were to be sold by a professional estate liquidator

Her one son was devestated. No reasons why.

That was that.

I am haunted by this. I look at her darkened home....and see her car where she left it. It's a bit creepy.

I wonder if I could have been a better neighbor instead of having my little attitude about what she did to my lawn contract!

I saw her on the morning of the day she died.

I was up early....because of having to let my dog out in the pre-dawn hours of the morning.

Every light was on in Cheri's house. I saw her moving by her windows in her bedroom.

"Odd," I thought. "She must be getting ready for a trip."

If I had only known...

An Emotion-Filled Weekend

This new life of mine seems to be taking its toll.

I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my dad...in better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.

Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:

* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.

* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!

* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.

* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.

* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work...my work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.

* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns for....but...as usual....that has evaporated.

* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an F....so I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.

* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.

* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He paces....in the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.

So, here I sit...at my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.

I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.

So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.

Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.

Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.

Right now, that's what matters to me most.

Thoughts on a Late Winter Day

Dawn is just breaking over the metro area. A late winter wind is pushing debris around my backyard and making a tattle-tale moaning sound through the screens of my french doors that lead to my deck.

Dad is sleeping.

I am awaiting the arrival of his caregiver. Then I can go off to work.

Why do I feel like such a failure?

I really do feel like one.

Let's review the track record shall we:

I am not the Ward Cleever that I had wanted to be. I am 52 years old....gay...and alone. I made a poor selection of wives....I tried taking care of everyone else, but me.....and here I am. Taking care of my elderly dad...afraid he's going to run out of money.....afraid that I'm going to screw up his finances......worried that I'm going to be like him one day....afraid of the second hand smoke I spent my first 20 years breathing.....afraid of being alone for the rest of my life......afraid of dying alone.

I am working to get my finances in order. I'm still paying for the legal bills....and mess from that icky divorce. I only wish I had been more diligent of the what-ifs when I was a whole lot younger.

But, I'm just a mess this morning.

This cold, windy, late winter morning.

Whining to God

Yesterday, (Sunday), I whined at God.

Like a spoiled, self-centered child...I whined.

I felt sorry for myself. "Why me?" I silently wailed to myself. "Why do am I in the situation I currently am in? Why does my dad have to die? Why did my mom have to die? Why do any of us have to die? What am I gonna do? Am I making the right decisions...I am just so unhappy....so unsure...."

I went to the early service at a church that's not far from my house. I have become friendly with the pastor...and he has taken an interest in my situation. His sermon was entitled, "The Happiness Manifesto." In that message he talked about his partner, who he lost from AIDS in 1996. When he wondered what he was going to do when the partner died, God gently reminded him of what "we" are going to do.

Near the end of the service, the congregation sang the old hymn, "God Will Take Care of You."

I hadn't really paid attention to that old song. But yesterday I did. It hit me...I am just trying to put everything on me. I am trying to fix everything...instead of allowing God to do His thing...with me....TOGETHER.

Following that service, I had a gentle nudge to go to my own morning service. It took about a half-hour to drive there.

The ensemble at church sang the old Bill Withers song, "LEAN ON ME"....followed by a sermon on "Handle With Care." After the sermon, one of our female members came up to receive the offering. However, before she did that, she felt the Holy Spirit nudge her to sing a chorus of a song...."God Will Take Care of You."

So it felt as though in response to my whining, God hit me up the side of the head with a 2X4 to say, He would take care of me. I need to trust Him during this dark hour...and let him do His thing.

Message received.

Loud & Clear!

Watching Daddy Sleep

It's Monday.

My caregiver can't be here today. Something about a green card issue.

So, even though she was prepared to have a substitute fill in for her, I told her that I would take leave and stay with him.

It's a thankless task....being with my dad during this time of illness. In the end, when all is said and done, I will have the comfort of knowing that I spent every available moment with him and trying to keep him comfortable.

As I watch him sleep...which is what he does mostly these days....I remember so much from my childhood. Dad was always a bit quirky....a control freak. He would give me a task to do...but then wind up having to do it himself because he wanted it done "right". These repeated actions really did a number on me....and left me with the feeling that I couldn't do anything. In fact, I still suffer the residual effects of all this even today.

But watching dad sleep now, makes me wonder what made him the way he was. Did his dad treat him the same way?

Daddy coughs and peers over the side of his hospital bed....making sure I'm here. His hearing aids are out....and he can't hear a thing. We make eye contact. He gives a feeble smile and then turns on his side. All is well in his world.

He complained earlier about the fact that all he wants to do is sleep now. I respond by saying, "I know." I tuck the comforter around him. The hospice people say that this is going to happen...he will sleep and sleep and sleep and slowly fade away...unless some imbalance in his body, caused by the cancer, will take him sooner.

They tell me that I shouldn't be surprised when the end comes.

But I know that when the end comes....all bets are off. I probably will be a wreck....and then I can go about the business of mourning.

For both of my parents...

Tired and Turned Off With the Whole Gay Thing

I actually have some time to myself!

It has been way too long.

Most of the time since mother died, I have been surrounded by family members monitoring my every mood. The daughter who lives with me has commandeered my MAC...and my dad, who now lives with me, requires constant monitoring.

It feels like my life is foggy...and I spend the majority of it on autopilot: going to work....coming home.....becoming caregiver.....watching Dad's every move.....listening for him to try and get out of his hospital bed...he thinks he can get up whenever and walk wherever. He simply doesn't get it that he is no longer an independent middle-aged man. He is now a very thin....very stooped.....shell of what he once was.

And he falls.

Constantly...

You can turn away for two seconds....and bam...a thud.

It is unreal.

I never thought I would be in this position with him. Between my two parents, I had always assumed he would be the first to go. But it was my mom.

And it hurt....like hell. It still does.

But, for all the frustration....and concern.....and fatigue....and worry.....and overall caregiving....I would not take a million dollars for this time I am having with my dad.

You see, as I grew up...I knew he loved me...but we just didn't take the time to get to know one another. He had his responsibilities and in the 50s and 60s, Dads were not generally "that" close to their kids. They worked....they came home....they were in charge of the discipline..... I call it the Ward Cleaver approach.

So, in the three months that my daddy has spent with me thus far, it has been a time of growing very close to him....and listening to him. He enjoys his one-on-one time with me....and he told a guest the other night that "I've been having a good time with my son. We've gotten to say a whole lot of things we should have said a long time ago."

So, I suppose this is my time to catch up....bridge chasms....and prepare for closure with him.

BUT...

I have not discussed the gay thing with him.

That is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off the charts in terms of trying to fill him in on all of this. The stuggles....the sadness....the gloom....the loneliness.....the agony....the ecstasy.....all parts of being gay.

And, as he deteriorates...it doesn't matter.

The one thing that does matter is that I have him now for what little time is left....and he has me.

I digress.

Sorry.

At this writing, Dad is still sleeping. He spends so much more time sleeping in a day. He only averages about 4 hours of waking time. HIs eating has slown greatly. The hospice people say that this is all to be expected. They also say that I should expect his departure at any time....and to not be surprised that when I walk out of his room and return, he could be gone....or I could wake up one morning and he be gone.

Suffice it all to say that I have a few moments to myself. My daughter is working her 2nd job today....and my dad is still sleeping. I'm in the mood to write.

And so here I am.

I am exhausted. I suppose I should talk to my grief counselor about all that is going through my head at the moment. I just don't have time to focus on me right now. The counselor calls me religiously....to check in on me....and she has said repeatedly just how difficult grieving a significant loss is...but that I am extra special because I'm gearing up for another loss...."soon."

I suppose I will deal with all that when the time comes.

I've lost interest in friends......I've lost interest in church.......I've even lost interest in the whole gay thing. Even sex!

Some of the budding relationships I thought were percolating nicely prior to October 11, all appear to have fizzled. Each of those available gay men have said one of the following: "I'm giving you space with your family." Even though I told him that I would really like to get out of the house for a meal or something. "Let's get together the next time you're in town," only for him to be totally unavailable each time I am in his town. Then to add insult to injury, he writes on Facebook that he is still pining for his first love...the one who dumped him....said very hurtful things to him.....and is an alcoholic and a total mess.

The other two men that I have been hopeful for have just dropped off the face of the earth and I never hear from them.

So, I am ready to turn in my "GAY" membership card.

I am turned off.

I am disillusioned.

AND...on top of all that..I found one of those reality shows on the LOGO network that only reinforces my disillusionment with the gay community at large.

It's called "The A-List"....a group of gay men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s....who are all into this big social whirl in NYC. They know this celebrity or that celebrity....they have this penthouse....or perform in that play....and they are into looks, wealth....and things! Why, even one of them, who might be actually likeable if he would drop all the pretense......and the bitchiness.....has a really good claim to fame as to why he is on the A-list....it's because he knows Lindsey Lohan!

God help us all.

So, here is Frank....who struggled for so long to rise out of the ashes.....definitely not on that A-list and who doesn't want to be.

I am sitting here....actually glad that I am alone....in the quiet of the morning. I can hear Dad snoring in the next room.... My writing this morning is nothing more than a stream of consciousness.....

Cold and Blue

Had a near miss with my daddy this weekend. Friday when I got home from the office, he was simply lifeless.

He could not walk.

He did not want to eat.

He did not want to drink.

He had a fever of 101.8.

I was a bit frightened by his sudden deterioration.

So, I spent the entire weekend looking for supositories to calm his nausea. I also had to find tylenol supositories. I finally found them at an all night CVS in Springfield VA at 3:00 Saturday morning.

And, guess who was elected to insert the supositories? Well, it certainly was not my dad.

My daughter remarked at how calm and cool I was in handling all this.

I told her that it was all just a front...and that inside I was a wreck.

Following all this, we were barraged by a parade of nurses from Hospice. Yesterday the doctor at Hospice made a house call. She diagnosed dad as suffering from bacterial pneumonia. She also said that his overall condition has deteriorated....considerably since she first visited him in November.

All told....I need to brace myself for his passing.

I am stressed.....and saddened by all this.

Why did I have to lose my parents like this?

A New Year Has Begun...

I cannot believe that 2010 is finally over. It was what I consider to be a very hellish year. I'm glad that 2011 can begin. I suppose I am looking for the new year to be my NEW BEGINNING.

Where do I begin to catch you up on all the things that have been going on in my life? First, my dad has officially moved in with me. It presents all new stresses and anxiety for me. My daughter, who also lives with me, is showing a side of herself that I'm not really pleased with. She is like Lovey Jr. This is perhaps due to the fact that Lovey seems to exert so much influence over her. I don't like it. But, Lovey is the mother...and I can't keep her away from her mom.

Lovey Jr. even talked this evening about buying a house and moving out. That was a surprise....and I was swallowed up with pride...and not feeling like such a good dad. You know, I spent a lot of time trying to make my house pleasing for her to live in, and apparently it isn't good enough.

Oh well.

We eeked through the Christmas holiday. On the morning of Christmas Eve, I felt really bad for myself. I found myself second guessing decisions I was forced to make for my mom while she was in the hospital...and to be honest I was haunted by them. Did I cause mom to die? Did I kill her? My daughter from Nashville sensed the anguish I was feeling and she told me to stop having a pity party. She said, "Dad, I was there with you as you made those decisions....and you made all the right ones. Why don't you focus on the blessings you have this holiday season....namely, two of your kids, your dad....and all the stuff you have."

It helped me a lot.

Then I also had a ton of guests in for Christmas. I had the assistant pastor of where Lovey Jr. goes to church. Lovey's mom and sister came by. A photographer friend came by....and then finally, LOVEY herself showed up.

It was old home week.

I just don't know what to think about it all.

The photographer then showed up on New Year's Day with a framed and matted print of a picture he took of me with my Dad. I have hung it in my dining room. It's wonderful to see.

New Years has been quiet. I didn't feel like throwing my holiday hooptido. Perhaps next year.

Spiritually I feel adrift....I don't want to go to church...I don't even want to be with friends....I am just very down.

I miss mom...it just still hurts. The pain is excruciating.

On top of all that, I have had a few nibbles on the dating front....but the men did as they normally do....they flake off.

That was a downer.

So, as you can see. I am still here...but still adrift....and down. No raises at my job thanks to President Obama.

Let the frustration....gloom and doom begin!

New Places

Well, I have definitely arrived at a new place on my journey. Mom is gone...and now I am the primary caregive for my dad who will be 78 on January 13.

Nothing has prepared me for this role.

I find myself tearing up at the stupidest times. For instance, I was at a restaurant just now getting a quick breakfast, and wouldn't you know, they were playing Christmas carols. It's the first Christmas carols of the 2010 season. I felt this cloak of coldness and sadness envelop me like I have never experienced. Gosh, even as I write this I find myself having to brush away tears.

Dealing with all of my dad's care issues, I've not had the time to fully focus on the grieving process for mom. Coupled with the fact that I don't have that much time with dad left....I'm bobbing and weaving through life....and feeling a bit wiped out by it all.

In the midst of all this, Lovey's Aunt died tragically on November 6. Her memorial service is today. She suffered from Alzheimers but never forgot who I was. She always told me I was good looking and loved hugging me because I felt so good. She fell down a flight of stairs a Mom O'Lovey's and it really did a tremendous damage to her body. The Alzheimers made her immune to the pain...and she was just a southern lady until the very end.

So, I feel like I am living a nightmare.....two close relatives....dead in as many weeks.

I feel as though the tide of grief is gonna sweep me away...

Reflections on My LIfe

Ok...I'm in a dark place this evening. And all of you who read this blog with any regularity know why.

So, as I sit here in my parents' home, I'm feeling VERY alone. The loss of the warmth of my mother's presence has just left this place with such a hollowness that is hard to describe.

As I have thought about all that is going on...and about the stuff that needs to be done....I wonder why this is happening now. Over the past 5 years, as I have emerged from one crisis...I find myself totally enveloped by the mist of yet another one.

Three weeks ago, I was sitting on mom and dad's front porche on a hot early fall day. Mom was feeling well...and a bit wistful.

"It's coming," she said bluntly.

We both knew what she meant.

"And it is a lot closer than either of us know."

"Are you frightened?" I asked.

"Not really," she answered quietly. "It's a new adventure. The only thing I realize is that I have never done this before and I don't know what to expect. When I have been frightened by the unknown, after whatever it was that I was afraid of was over, I looked back and realized the fears were silly! I think this is going to be the same."

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I feel like I am divorcing my body," she answered. "It's hard to explain."

She knew and she was calm.

I looked over at her and said, "Mom...you know I have been through a whole lot of drama over the past few years right?"

"You sure have." She smiled.

"Well, when you arrive at your final destination, is there anyway you could put in a good word for me up there and ask them if they could lighten up on me some?"

"You got it," she said. "I will look in on you and see what I can do to make your life easier."

She squeezed my hand.

I squeezed back.

"I love you," I told her.

"You too!"

She smiled again.

Grief - 2

A friend sent me this today. I have received such comfort from my friends during this time. I'm amazed by their love....their care...and their compassion.

The Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

This is BAD

Perhaps this is a good thing.

I am 52 years old.

I have had plenty of drama for two lifetimes. I went through a very bad divorce...and it almost sunk me.

BUT...

Nothing ever prepared me for what I feel during this time.

Saw a grief counsellor yesterday. She says that I amd doing and behaving normally....she says that it just feels abnormal not to have mom around anymore.


This is so true.

One thing for certain...during this time of trying to be there for my dad, I also have to be there for me too. I need to take very good care of Frank during this...

A friend sent me this poem by Henry Van Dyke. In a strange way, I find tremendous comfort from it.

By Henry Van Dyke

"I am standing at the seashore. A Ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. I stand and watch her until she hangs like a speck of white cloud, just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with each other. And just at that moment, when someone at my side says,



"There she is gone!";



there are other eyes watching her comig, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:



"There she comes!"



And that is dying."

GRIEF

It's now the early hours of Monday. Later on today, my mother will have been gone from me for 7 full days.

My daughters have returned home.....Lovey has returned to her churches. I am still in Huntington, WV with my dad and my son.

I have been so focused on the planning of the memorial service and the cremation....and my kids....and my dad....that I have neglected myself. This is really nothing new. I have basically done this all my adult life.

BUT...

As I was taking a much needed breather to join some church friends at a bowling event tonight here....it began to settle upon me. The pain began to envelop me like high tide.

I miss my mom.

Terribly.

And, there is nothing I can do about it!

October 16, 2010

Monday, October 11, 2010 was the day I have been dreading for many, many years.

You see, my mother, passed away peacefully after her long battle with cancer while she was in the hospital. I was honored to be with her when she slipped away...and today was the memorial service.

All of my children were here with me....and so was Lovey!

Five people from my church in Northern Virginia traveled all the way here for the service. I totally broke down and wept when I saw them! Three other people from my gay friendly church were also in attendance.

As mother was beginning the dying process...God gave me a special wink. A lesbian chaplain from the hopsital chaplaincy came in to pray for me and my family and my mother. It served as a grand affirmation of me.

As things slow down now, I am going to begin grieving for my mom....alone. It hurts....bad.

Today's service was special. Here is my EULOGY that I delivered.

I hope it is a blessing to you:

I have so many rich and warm memories of Mom. She was, perhaps, my closest and dearest friend. As I have reflected upon our relationship, I have come to realize that there is nothing about me that she did not know about…or have an opportunity to comment on. You didn’t mess with Mom. She didn’t mess with you. She was never afraid to speak her mind. Her philosophy was simply if you don’t want my opinion, don’t ask.

Some of my earliest memories revolve around my being an only child. As I grew from being a toddler and got to first grade, I remember being afraid that my parents would die and leave me as an orphan.

I guess this is a natural thing for kids to worry about.

Dad used to have a mournful bluegrass recording about such a topic entitled, “Someone Will Love Me in Heaven” by Don Reno and Red Smiley. He would play that song over and over again…and I would listen to it to only become horrified at the concept.

When I became a dad, I remember very clearly that one particular time when I suffered migraines, my twin daughters who were about four years old, came in to try and take care of my. They literally slapped cold and wet washcloths on my forehead in an effort to make the pain go away. When I grew silent…Jessica turned to Laura and said, “I think he’s going to die.” Laura said, “Oh no…now who is going to drive us around when we need to go somewhere.”

I have always been fearful of losing my parents. As a result, over the years I have become fiercely protective. My love has grown for them. We lived as the three musketeers….all for one and one for all. Still, always in the back of my mind, I have been concerned about the season in my life where I would lose my parents.

And here we are.

I stand before you today having a lost a dear friend – my mother.

But she wasn’t just my friend. A lot of you knew her and have your own stories to tell. One of my aunts wrote the following on my FACEBOOK wall:

“Two little girls growing up as close as sisters. We shared first grade thru adulthood. We had the joy of walking many roads together; over mountains to gather hickory nuts, sitting on a log in the middle of flooded Kiahs Creek with Mary, singing "aint gonna study war no more"...sneaking off to the outhouse to smoke a stolen cigarette together, having many sleepovers, telling each other what we thought about things, what kind and color house we would live in; married to brothers, loving each others children, calling each other and trying to remember all the parts of a nursery rhyme, trying to figure out what “crarn” meant. In our last conversation last week, we told each other to keep on trying and many times saying that we loved each other. I will live my days in hope of being with you again. Your buddy, Lois."

I have a vast library of stories Mom has shared with me.

She’s told me about the many times she got into trouble with her mother. One being when she gathered a group of her friends together when she was a child and she stood on a woodpile…and began preaching, “Upon this woodpile I build my church…” As she and her congregation began really getting into it, she remembered her mother coming to get her and spanking her….and marching her back into her house and saying “you little devil….”

But her dad always got a charge out of watching his baby girl have fun…even though it may appeared that she was making light of church or spiritual things.

They had a great relationship. Mom was driving his stick shift car at age 12 – driving all over the community’s hills and loose gravel. In one case, she helped a 16 year old boy drive a big truck up a steep hill with lots of loose gravel…all to the chagrin of the 16 year old boy.

Her dad seemed like a funloving parent with a tremendous sense of humor. Perhaps she got her sense of humor from him.

It never left her.

For example, she and I attended a funeral of a loved one many years ago. The particular loved one had grossly inflated their academic and other accomplishments such that mom grabbed at me and whispered to me, “June Bug….I think we are at the wrong funeral…..I have to look in that casket again to make sure it’s who we think it is in that pretty box!”

We subtly snickered….and agreed that we would never tell the survivors that their relative had made up a lot of the accomplishments in their obituary.

When mom was diagnosed with the worst kind of cancer one can have…she met the challenge head-on. She went to the beauty shop. She told me, “Son, if my hair is going to fall out because of chemotherapy, then it is going to hit the floor in style!” And it did. During those times she would be dressed to the nines….her hair perfectly done…..and her nails done…. She was determined to give “Mr. Chemo” a run for his money.

We spoke many times a day In the midst of the aggressive chemotherapy treatment she underwent. It left her greatly weakened….she called one cold wintry day to tell me that she was just not able to go to her chemotherapy. “I just can’t summon the strength,” she said. I told her to rest….and try to relax…that I’m sure one day would not set her back. She agreed.

BUT…that afternoon, she called me all proud of herself. You see, in this day of caller id, she had received an obscene telephone call that day right after she had spoken with me. It made her so mad that she got the extra dose of adrenaline flowing through her body that gave her the strength to do her chemotherapy. Oh, and in the process, she let the obscene phone caller have a piece of her mind!

Mom was quite the fighter. She fought cancer with everything she could. And in her normal style, for a time, she won. She went into total remission for a year and three months. Then it returned this past May. During the summer we planned and she began her treatments…but this time, the cancer came back with a vengeance. For a time she had strength and was able to do a multitude of things….but by the time I arrived in late September I could see the toll it was taking.

Mom began having new pain in new places….and the doctor told us the cancer was on the move. More scans and x-rays. The doctor told me privately that she had six months or less. The cancer was indeed spreading. He recommended that we contact Hospice.

I was devastated.

Hospice did become involved…and mom admitted herself into the program. Somewhere deep inside her, she knew what was happening. She told me that she never wanted to know how much time she had left.

But she said to me at the beginning of October, “I’m not afraid to die.” I asked her why not. She said that she looked upon this as a new adventure…and that the only fear that comes from this is the fact that we have never done anything like this before. So there is a little fear of the unknown. She also told us what she wanted in terms of her funeral….she was pretty emphatic about being cremated.

“It’s coming,” she said. “I feel it…and it won’t be much longer.”

That weekend her heart went out of rhythm and we were told to go to the emergency room. Mom fought Hospice and us, but we were finally able to get her to the emergency room. After a few days of monitoring, they were able to shock her back into rhythm.

It didn’t last.

By this past Sunday, she was not feeling good…but her sense of humor remained intact. On Monday, she was obviously miserable. Her condition warranted a transfer to a private room.

She was restless….and in a moment where it was just her and I in her room, I said, “Mom, can you hear me?” She squeezed my arm and nodded her head. I continued, “Mom, you are very sick. I never thought I would say this to you…but I feel I must: If you need to go, go ahead. Dad will be okay….and we will take really good care of him. Just don’t ever forget how much you are loved here. Do you understand?” She nodded.

Within a half-hour, she had calmed. And, another hour or so after that, she passed peacefully.

Oh, it has broken all our hearts. We loved her.

But we know that she is at peace and finally pain free awaiting each of us.

Not just her family…..but she is awaiting each of her friends as well.

I’ve prepared a multimedia presentation in honor of my mother. I pray that it is a blessing to you.

The first song is “There You’ll Be” by Faith Hill. The second song is “Coming Home” by my daughter.
THANK YOU!

UPDATE

I have been in WV almost three weeks now. As I write this, both parents are in hospice care. Mother went for palliative radiation treatments on her shoulder, skull, and neck. The brain scan one week ago revealed that the cancer has spread around her skull....it is a C3 and C5 in neck....in fact it has eroded some of the that....she has two masses in her neck....that are contributing to the pain. Yesterday she was barely able to walk after her treatment...and we saw her normal oncologist. Her heart was out of rythmn. He sent her to the hospital...where she is today. While her heartbeat was originally at 162....this morning it is still over 100 beats per minute. They are concerned that she will start sending out blood clots.

Dad is still asleep.

He collapsed twice at the hospital yesterday.

Deep inside me I am going crazy....

It is so hard watching this happen to my parents.

My Hands Are Full!

What a week!

First and foremost: my parents aren't doing very well with their respective cancers. They are soooooooooooooooo frail. It is scary. Mother's cancer has returned...but she is now showing some suspicious symptoms in her head, shoulder and elbow. I pray that these are only strained muscles from the way she sleeps....and I pray the knot on her head is from bumping her head on the car door.

It is so very scary when you're going through this cancer journey with your folks. My heart is breaking inside and I don't dare share it with them where they can see how it is affecting me.

Yesterday, mom was so down. She looked at mean in a very pitiful manner and said, "Bub, I just don't see any light at the end of this tunnel."

I wanted to cry.

Still she is giving it her best shot.

I am spending at least this week with them. Depending on the diagnosis she receives on Thursday, I may spend next week here too. I am working to convince them to come to my house if she is required to do chemo. Right now it is just radiation. But we're gonna see.

And now there is some good news....

In the midst of doom and gloom....and here in the heart of Huntington, WV, Frank may have just found someone special! Yup....when God closes a door, He knows just when to open a window.

I went to church at the local gay affirming church on Sunday....and this guy just appeared.....he says that something spoke to his heart about me....and I had the same thing. He's one year older....and has two adult kids. We spent some time together last night.....and tonight.....and we're possibly gonna spend some time together tomorrow night.

I'm a little shocked by all this....but we'll see.

Mom is tickled.....Dad is oblivious....

I'm amazed....and hopeful.

My Daughter, The TV Star!

As I recover from the wonders of my weekend retreat experience, I thought I would share this commercial that stars my daughter! It's for a school in Tennessee. She got this job on a pure lark...and now she may use this as a springboard into acting.

Who knew?



The retreat was awesome in so many ways.

More later.

Friday Morning

I am home today trying to get ready for a church retreat that is being held at a wonderful place not far from Charlottesville, VA. It is literally in the middle of no where. It will give me some time to ponder....to center myself....to try and figure out what my next move is going to be in the chess game of life. Who knows? Perhaps I will be able to further crawl out of this valley I have been in all week.

It has been a very busy week at the office. I have gotten lots done. It just never ends.

I've also been having a good time posting old family pictures to my FACEBOOK page. As a result, I've been hearing from a lot of my cousins and other relatives that I have not heard from or even seen in a number of years. In fact, one of them left me a message and asked me to call him last night.

Well, I did...and it was heartwarming to reconnect with him after all these years. I felt like a million bucks in being able to talk to him. He lives in Ohio...and was asking me about all the stuff I knew about our relatives. (I was a bit taken aback by what little he knew.)

So, this season of my life appears to be about building bridges and reaching out.

Life is so filled with uncertainty. I'm amazed at how naive I was in thinking how steady my life was....with the job...the wife....the kids....the house....the trappings of a successful and "happy" life. That all changed in a flash...and here I sit....at age 52...alone.. Who would have ever thought I would be in this place at this age.

I'm sort of at an ebb right now. I'm not "blue" or depressed, but then I am not ecstatic either. The desire of a significant relationship is still there.......I don't think there are any serious prospects out there for me right now.....even with all the men who have been listed previously who make cameo appearances in my life from time-to-time. Hopefully this retreat will help me.

The song below is one that I just found. It has been out since June....and although the subject matter is a bit "dark" the video is amazing. The melody is catchy, yet haunting... The video is not nearly as dark as it could be.... A couple of the lyrics have stuck with me: "The sharp knife of a short life..." and "Funny when you're dead how people start listening..."

I posted this elsewhere, and was asked by a friend to tell her what I thought it meant.

I think it means to treat people well all the time....not wait until they are at death's doorstep and that young people do not have a monopoly on life. Life can end in a flash....young or old. Listen to what people say now...don't get all misty after they're gone.



I know this has been a scattered post...but it's kind of like me emotionally these days....

All over the map.

A Rainbow in the Valley

I've been in sort of a funk since Sunday. This is no secret...since I have written about it this week.

Sometimes as a gay man, the loneliness is at times unbearable. However, in the midst of all this...I heard from gentle Doug today. He called to say that he was thinking about me and he wanted me to know how much he missed me.

Even though he is married.....and it can't go anywhere....it was still nice to hear.

Especially today.

Friendship, Sex and Longing

On one of the online groups I'm a member of, a thread has emerged that is of particular interest to me. It's simply entitled, "Friendship, Sex and Longing." The group is composed of men who are married to women and are out to their wives. Each person's situation is different....they have negotiated their own paths to marital fulfillment.

On person in particular wrote:

"To finally have friends who understand what this is all about is huge. After spending years alone in my thoughts, same sex thoughts that no one must know, to have a good friend who I can share it all with has been so healthy for me.

A large part of my wife's acceptance of my having bi/gay friends has been the benefit of the "me too" and "I understand part". When I come back from a night or weekend away with my friend my wife sees the inner peace and self acceptance that I gain and it spills over to my being a better more fun husband. It is a transformation that our wives need to see with their own eyes to believe."

This post stirred memories in my own life....during my marriage. I had met another married man...in similar situation to me....and we hit it off immediately. We were together for 8+ years. When I divorced...he couldn't take it...and just backed out of my life.

During our time together, his wife noted on many occasions "how good we were for each other."

The issue was finally on the back burner.

Our times together made us better husbands.

I know this is hard to understand for some of you...but it worked.

For a season.

This post triggered memories....and so I sat and wrote this. It's not the typical fare I offer up here...but it was worth remembering. 

Moving Merrily Along...

Who knew?

I was moving at such a rapid pace...and kind of expectant as to what was going to happen in my life next. After all, I have six gentlemen who have entered an orbit around me. They definitely were not there before. It kind of made me feel a bit giddy. BUT...I'm not able to share all this with any folks other than you all out there in cyberspace.

There is this great temptation to go after the first man who gives me any attention whatsoever. This is not a good thing. In following this trajectory, I see nothing but disaster.

I have begun to take better care of Frank....mentally and emotionally. This was shown in my recent dealings with SEX GOD. He called looking for action...and I'm feeling a bit used. I don't like feeling that way. Sure a fantastic romp in the hay is fun to do...but in the long run...what is left after the romping is done.

I told him what I was looking for. I told him that I was not into control queens. I want someone who is not afraid to let his affections show up in normal living. This poor guy is afraid that someone is going to find out that he and I have been "romping". I'm tired of the cloak and daggerish relaitonship we have...

I am not...and refuse to be....anyone's dirty little secret.

So between that......the fact that I spent time with K on Sunday.....and the fact that he and his wife and her companion all drink and drink and drink.... Well, even though I am attracted to him emotionally and physically....and if his wife dumps him tomorrow....I don't think he is the one for me....and thus will begin putting some distance between him and me.

Andy is still calling me. We talked on the phone for almost an hour yesterday. So he must really be liking me.

Dan is preoccupied with Scott.... I saw him briefly today....and he was behaving differently. Not ready to handle additional drama in my life right now. I have waaaay too much now.

Doable has not been around or communicated with me since he said I was doable.

And...dear Doug... Well, I've heard from him. But that can't go anywhere either.

So, I am starting back at square one.

The Not So Good Weekend

I did not really enjoy my Labor Day Weekend at all.

Oh, I got lots done. Did a ton of laundry. Did some ironing. Cleaned the kitchen and all that stuff. BUT...I was alone.

I actually thought I had gotten past it all. I thought I had grown beyond the feelings of loneliness and I was really looking forward to spending some down time with myself while my daughter went off to middle Tennessee for the weekend to spend with her sister.

I was wrong.

I was down.

The memorial service did not help me much. Sadly, a great deal of my feelings hinged on that service. The old fundamentalist christian way...and teaching....started me down a path of wondering if I am really on the correct one...or just being deceived.

You see, I take my spirituality very seriously. I love my God...and do my best to keep Him at the forefront of every decision....and every thought.

But even though I have achieved a certain amount of wholeness in being queer....and I like the man I have become as a result of these past 5 years or so, it doesn't take very much to stir up a whiff of doubt....and then I begin to travel down the path of beating myself up.

So that's where I was this weekend.

Tonight I meet with my gay men's Bible group. I always enjoy being with my friends. Perhaps that will perk me up a bit.

Being Gay in a Sea of Straights

I am currently in the middle of my Labor Day Weekend -- my very quiet Labor Day Weekend -- a time of reflecting on the past, the present and the future.

I am being honest here. This is being written from the deepest parts of me.

Leading up to this weekend has been a full week. I've heard from my friend Doug a number of times. I had some quality time with the "Sex God". Andy has called and written me messages. I've even gotten messages from "K."

I knew that the memorial service for pastor that was murdered would be happening this morning (Sunday). (See my entry from August 30.) So I thought it would be good for me to go and to touch bases with the widow and his remaining son. (His eldest son is the one who killed him....so very tragic.)

I tried to get one of the men currently in my world to go with me. They each had a thousand reasons for not going. So I took that as an indication that maybe God wanted me to go alone....for some unknown reason. I did...and when I got to that place...which was over an hour away from where I live, I was confronted with the stark reality of just how much my life has changed. AND...in typical fashion, I began to seriously question if my life, in the face of all the leaps forward I thought I had taken, is really in fact, better.

I watched all the folks at the service. They were each wrapped up in their grief....and they truly glorified and deified the pastor. I knew him many years ago...and found him to be gentle and loving....but highly aloof. I worked around it all because I felt as if he were dealing with his own demons...whatever they were.

I also barely knew the son that murdered him. He was totally out of the regular social whirl of the family and spent the majority of his existence during the time of their pastorate at my church, living away from the family. He was rarely mentioned...and it seemed as though there was an aura of mystery surrounding him.

AND...the subject seemed closed for discussion.

I never pried.

So, I remembered all that as I watched the youngest son -- Paul-- the one that my girls had had a crush on -- the one that suffers from Type I diabetes -- take center stage as the leader of this congregation. He spoke eloquently of his father....and he sang. Oh how this young man sang...I am sure his father would have been so very proud.

I looked around me...and the people here were not of my normal social sphere. They were the kind of people that people like me fear. They are the Bible thumpers.....the ones who say "The Bible say so..." I couldn't help but think....if they only knew that I am a gay man. That I was sitting in their midst. I would have been shunned.

As I continued to look....I noticed that there were some very attractive men there. Generally, each was accompanied by women who did not seem to match their calibre. The women were generally of the hefty size....people that I would find quite unattractive. (Not just because I am not attracted to women in the first place....but I dare say that these women would not be found on the cover of any magazines....)

And so I sat there....

Remembering how I sat in numerous congregations such as this having these same similar thoughts....for many, many years.

My wall was firmly in place.

It was a dose of my former reality....and I felt as thought I were going to explode. In fact, this experience played out on my stomach. It ached....and I felt under stress.

After a few moments, I composed myself....and got into the service. Occasionally I would make eye contact with one of the men in the congregation. It was that knowing look.... It's all in the eyes....how they lock in on you....and you just know.

I was not alone.

Yet, they would never confess what happened. No one would ever know what thoughts crossed their minds then in a fleeting way.

Following the service, I made my way down front to view the displays of photographs...some old...some very recent. I remembered this pastor fondly. I saw his wife....and she saw me....and came rushing to me. She remembered me....and let me know how much my presence meant to her. "Take care of Paul...." she said. "Go let him know that you are here."

I walked over to him....and he was delighted to see me. This beautiful, young 29 year old man through himself at me. We embraced for a good little while.....as I told him that I would be here for him if he needed me.

He gave me a piece of paper that gave directions to a reception following church....at another church north of where we were. He wanted me to come there because of his mom and because of him.

I agreed....and soon found myself in a full social situation with these people.

The people who must not know that I am gay.

So I chit chatted....and talked....and heard their world views....as small minded as they seemed. I learned that the congregation has decided that Paul was going to become their new pastor. He is 29 years old...and has never darkened the door of a seminary. But then, that's how it's done there....in my former life. He came to me twice during the reception to again say how much my presence meant to his family. And to him. I gave him my card with all my contact information. I told him that if he needed anywhere to relax....to see a movie...or share a meal....give me a shout.

I meant every word of it. His best friend is now gone. He's a little boy lost.

It was then time to return to my home.

My visit to my other life was concluded....and I headed home.

Emotionally drained.

Labor Day Weekend

I am going to be all alone this weekend.

As I write this, I have no plans: no picnic, no dates, no trips.

Nothing.

My daughter is headed to visit her sister in Nashville. So I will have my house to myself.

I think what I am going to concentrate on doing is cleaning the place....and getting rid of all the filth that has accumulated. I also have so much junk in my bedroom, I am unable to move around safely. I might even decide to try and rearrange a bit. We'll see how much energy I have after I return from taking my daughter to the airport up in Baltimore in the morning to catch her 7am flight.

Stay tuned.

And Finally Some Really Great News...

I am so very thankful for some good news for a change.

As you know, both of my parents have been battling lung cancer. Mom has been dealing with lung cancer, bone cancer, and colon cancer. For her, it has been in remission for over a year...but she has had a reoccurrence in her lung. She is undergoing radiation treatments to deal with that.

Dad has been undergoing chemotherapy for almost a year. The good news is that his oncologist reported yesterday that his latest cans show that he is clean from the cancer in his lung. YAY!

So I am very happy about this.

As we work to deal with each of the challenges facing my parents...I really want to celebrate each small victory we encounter.

What a great way to kick off a holiday weekend!

A New Place

Well, folks, I have arrived.

Sort of.

I had a conversation with someone very special to me a few days ago. We were reminiscing about the dramas we have eached faced....and we have both survived. I remember so clearly how miserable I was -- not too long ago, all because of my sexuality vs. my spirituality.

It was tormenting...and I remember laying awake at night -- many nights -- begging for healing. Wishing for happiness. Seeking answers to my delimma.

And for all that misery and agony. The gloom and the doom. I think I've finally reached a new place of self-actualization. At the age of 52, I can honestly say with no reservations of any kind, that I am happy.

I am happy to be me.

I am VERY comfortable in my skin.

I am surrounded by many folks who care about me.

Oh, yes, there are times that I long for a special man in my life....

Someone's hand to hold......

Someone to snuggle up with.

But I don't have that.

And the real kicker is.....

all this is okay.

Wow...this is certainly a new place for old Frank.

Things Are A Stirring....

It is a bit hard to believe....but I may finally have piqued the interest of someone...and this is someone that I have had a crush on...

First to just catch you up. I have been blitzed by work at the office...so by the time I reach evening....and going home...I am exhausted.

As I drove home yesterday, my cellphone rang and it was none other than Dan! It was kind of cool to have him call me -- especiallly given the fact that he had spent a significant amount of time with me Sunday afternoon....and Monday afternoon.....

He wanted to know if he could come by last night.

And, since I get a particular good feeling at just looking at him....I agreed.

We spent some time just chatting....and I found out that Scott (his partner) has been out of town this week. He returns today.

Dan told me that he wanted me to know just how much he enjoyed spending time with me. He felt that my house was the one place he felt safe...and he felt that he could just relax and be himself.

I told him that I am glad he felt that way.

And I do. It is just so comfortable with him.

But I am not doing anything to break him and Scott up. I refuse to be involved at THAT level.

Then, there's Andy.

Andy called me late last night....and talked...and talked....and talked. I remind you that this is the man who does not like to talk on the telephone....and that I should know that if I ever get calls from him where he talks and talks and talks...that I should know he likes me.

So, he likes me.

This one is a real potential keeper.

Stay tuned...