Spring Is Finally Here

It has been a very long and cold winter. I thought I was going to die during all those back-to-back snowstorms. I am just glad it is all over.

I am determined to enjoy the longer day light hours and the warmer temperatures.

And you know something? I want to have a lot of fun and enjoyment this summer. No drama. No sadness. No worry.

Mother is doing fine. She is still in remission...and is determined to work on her strength and stamina by walking more and more with her new hip.... I am amazed by her steady recovery from the massive stroke at Christmas. She is virtually healed...and is doing GREAT! I am so thankful.

Dad has his final chemo treatment this week. It appears that he will now be in remission. So all we have to do with him is to have his weight to pick back up...and get his stamina going as well.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

You may be wondering how I'm doing.

I think I am doing pretty well. I can hardly believe that it has been nearly five years since Lovey dropped the bomb that changed my life. We are at the three year mark almost since the divorce was final.

These years since have been times of great discovery for me. I learned to rely on me...solely. I've worked at getting to know me better. I've also worked at being a better dad....and a better person in general.

Those of you who read me faithfully will remember that there was a time when I felt that I had no friends. In essence this is the case. I woke up one morning and realized I had been stripped of all the marital friendships I had......I lost all the church friends I had when Lovey outted me as the "husband from hell"... So I had to just reach out all over again and learn to make new friends.

God has blessed these efforts. I mean, I have heard from a number of you through this blog. Personally I have expanded my network of frendships....such that I have just approved my 424th friend on my FACEBOOK page.

Life is just good...

The Sunset of Life

Today something out of the ordinary happened: I was thinking about a man that was the first man to ever utter those three words, "I Love You", to me when I was at my lowest back in the summer from hell -- 1997. I can't remember if I wrote about that period of time or not, but it was a traumatic year for me.

I had been corresponding with him for about six months and we had chatted on the telephone a lot. He lived in Austin, TX....and of course I was here in Washington, DC. It so happened that I was asked to go to Houston, TX on business... When I told him that I was doing that, he dropped everything and drove the 2.5 hours to meet me. We spent a blissful day there and he showed me around.

Although he and I had entertained the thoughts of becoming a couple, he wound up dumping me for Jesus...and telling me that God told him that I would damn his soul to hell....if he kept messing with me. Did not really know my own strength at the time!

I was devestated....and over time we lost touch.

Well, today I ran across some old email from him. I had a bright idea to begin searching FACEBOOK for him and his family. I found entries for his three kids and his wife...but nothing for him. I finally used the information I had located on his family in Facebook to do a greater search on GOOGLE...only to find that he dies in October of last year from an aggressive form of cancer.

I was directed to his obituary...and to some blogs that included pictures of him.

He had certainly changed much in the past 13 years....and the cancer had taken its tool. But that was him.....and I could see the man I knew, staring out from those pictures.

It only reinforces the feeling that those around us are here for only a short time. Then they can be gone in an instant. He was only 52 at his death....with beautiful adult children and a wonderful wife.

So here I sit....getting ready to leave my office for the day -- thinking of this precious man... In my own way grieving for him....for his family.

I am glad we crossed paths.

Life continues....

Valentine's Day and Good News

The snowstorms that have blitzed my region have kept me quite busy. I have been snowed inside with my eldest daughter -- unable to do much of anything, other than watch television and convert my vinyl record collection to digital files. I am slated to return to the office this Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it.

Since returning from my last sojourn to WV, I have been forced to face my parents mortality and my own. I have wondered how I am going to deal with their increasing needs...and their lessening willingness to cooperate. To be honest, I am at my wit's end.

But within the past two weeks I have gotten somewhat of a reprieve from everything. Mother has recovered significantly from her massive stroke on Christmas Day. She has been cleared to drive a car by her doctor, but she must first get certified by the local hospital. She is planning to do that shortly. At the moment, she does appear to have a little short term memory loss...but nothing major. Everything is returning gradually.

She is one fortunate little lady.

Since December and her stroke, I have been concerned about the results of her December CT scan which revealed two new spots on her lung. When I went back there in early February we had a PET scan which would reveal new cancer growth. To be honest, I was horrified at the possible results. Well, several days ago, I got to speak with mom's oncologist directly, who said that those "new" spots were actually scar tissue left over from her cancer battle of over a year ago. They did a full body scan which revealed that mother has no new cancer in her body. She is in remission.

WONDERFUL

So she is recovered well from the stroke....and is cancer free at the moment. WHEW!

Dad had a battery of tests on his cancer...and the results of his last PET scan show that his cancer is responding favorably to his chemo...which appears milder than what mother went through. He has not had any of the negativity...the loss of hair...etc. He's even gaining weight now.

So that is good news.

My Valentine's presents!

Still...in the back of my mind, I have that old familiar longing....of wanting someone to love...and to be loved by.

No new candidates on the horizon...just the same familiar crushes I've had for several years now. These men that I long for will occasionally send a nugget of attention my way...and I eat it up...hopeful that it will somehow work out.

Today, such a man spent a considerable amount of time talking with me. He assures me that we are going to "get together" when his schedule permits. Gosh I hope so.

The soap opera of my life continues...

Finally Back to Virginia

Well, mother and dad were well enough for me to travel home this week. I got home on Saturday afternoon. I have so much to do here this week, but due to all the medical appointments and such both parents have next week, I have to go back this coming Sunday. This time, however, I am going to take the AMTRAK train. It's only $50 each way...and it will give me time to catch up on ME and to get myself syched for giving care to both parents.

Although it is good being home, I am finding that I am unable to sleep. It's like I can't let things go and just rest. It also has not helped that each morning, I have awakened to the sound of a jangling telephone that turned out to be those god-foresaken telephone solicitors. DANG!

I went to church on Sunday morning. It was so good to connect with my friends and to feel their loving concern. They told me how much I was missed...and it made me feel good.

Speaking of friends, I had a male friend come to see me on Saturday evening....another one on Sunday evening, and tonight a host of church friends are having me over for pizza and cards. I am so blessed.

So, dear readers, keep me in your prayers.

This whole thing with my parents has only exacerbated my feelings of aloneness.

Time For Some Good News (For now)

Mom came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon about 1pm. She immediately sat down to her computer and began playing with FACEBOOK and also typing emails with both hands pretty fast. By watching, you would never know the woman had suffered a stroke just a couple of weeks ago! She continues to improve. Hopefully the coming week will be nothing but improvements.

Dad continues to be a bit rattled. Dealing with him is frustrating for me because he is so very child like. I have been here for two weeks, and I am a bit frightened at the prospect of leaving them alone. But they assure me that they can take care of themselves this week.

I am going to be leaving tomorrow...to work this week. However, next week I need to return so that I can shuttle them to their host of medical appointments and dad's chemotherapy. I find that all this is quite stressful....and worrisome.

The home care nurses are going to be dropping by several times this week...plus the physical therapists will also be checking in on her. All my nearby relatives are also going to be popping in and calling them. They will all be keeping in touch with me.

The other thing I am worried about is the fact that mom has two new spots on one of her lungs. A scan must be scheduled so that we know what is going on. However, we're awaiting word from the insurance company to bless this approach.

I am working diligently to remain "happy."

Jeepers...

A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a man who said that he was looking for an old-fashioned monogamous relationship. We seemed to really hit it off very well. I thought that maybe things would develop between us...and truly had potential. We traded telephone numbers and email addresses. He is a music minister at his church.

When I did not hear from him by now while I am in WV, I sent him an email asking him what was happening. Finally this response:

"Sorry -- I've been busy and had a funeral today. You're a wonderful, fascinating, intelligent, multifaceted, attractive man. I'm not sure what you're really looking for. I got the impression you need more than one man. I'm not casting judgment by any means because I certainly do my share of free playing. I'm hoping for an old fashioned monogamous type of relationship and I don't know how that could work. Of course there are never any simple cut and dry solutions to any worthwhile goal. I also felt like if I had sex with you now, it would be like an audtion. LOL!

I was hoping for something built on attraction of mind and spirit if it were to become long term. I know -- I'm complicated, please don't think of me as an asshole. If you want, call me and we'll talk. All good wishes."

So, I wrote him back:

"Not sure where the impression of me needing multiple men came from. Especially when we discussed monoagmy and all. Sex for me is not an audition by any means. So even though I feel misunderstood since I am looking for the same thing, it is okay.

So life goes on...

Best,

Frank"

THWAAAAACK...it sort of feels like I've been hit up the side of the head by a 2X4.

I keep replaying our nice dinner and extended conversation to see what it was that I did wrong. Or what on earth I said or did that made him think that I needed more than one man! Still can't figure it out...

So roadblock 4,251! My one glimmer of a relationship just evaporated!

There has got to be a guy for me....somewhere.

Oh well, mom had her scan this morning. As of this writing, we have not heard about the results yet or given any indication as to when she can come home.

Today is my dad's 77th birthday and he is exhausted.

We all are!

It Just Keeps On...

I have had an interesting few months. I've done some public speaking at church where I was overcome with a lot of emotion on Christmas Eve. I talked about my life as a gay man in a straight marriage and how thankful I am that I have come such a long distance.

I've made friends with a gay male couple who live about 50 miles northeast of Washington. They come to my church and I have really grown quite fond of them. They talked to me and encouraged me on one of my "bad" days where I felt so alone. Both of them were so affirming to me. They echoed what a lot of people who know me have done. That I will make quite a catch for someone....and that I should not feel broken. They say that I have a lot going for me.

So, I keep hoping that somewhere along the way, I will meet the one who will be "him." I'm not desperate. I refuse to come across that way. But I have to tell you, there are a number of guys in my sphere of influence that I could be happy with. None of them have an inkling.

And I just keep feeling like a big chicken...because I am not brave enough to lay my cards on the table -- even the ones who are single, available, in my age range, and attractive.

My feeling continues to be why do I have to be the one to always initiate things?

I keep hoping...

A Brand New Year ~ Blah!

Greetings to all of you. This is perhaps the longest I have gone without writing something. For this I apologize. But much has happened, so let me take a few moments to update all of you.

First, the day before Thanksgiving, my dad received word that he has lung cancer. So this started a battery of treatments and he has been doing very well in his chemo treatments. I was in WV with my parents for Thanksgiving and with my daughters. It was probably the bluest Thanksgiving I have had because of the uncertainty of dad's diagnosis. Nevertheless, we seemed to survive.

As Christmas approached, I decided to have a very lowkey Christmas...and not do anything -- just stay home....count my blessings and plan to go back to WV after the beginning the year to help with dad's treatments. Coupled with all this, the weather was dangerous around Christmas with icestorms forecasted for the Shenandoah Valley and I-81 corridor on Christmas Day.

Well, to add more drama to my life, I received a telephone call from my daughter who had chosen to spend Christmas with my parents. She said that my mother was acting "funny"...and when I head more, I thought she was either having a manifestation of cancer in the brain or having a stroke. My daughter was able to get mom to the hospital in time. The diagnosis was a massive stroke. Thankfully, she got the help she needed and was home within three days with minimal longterm damage.

I went to WV last week to spend time with my parents and to help them get to their medical appointments, but last Thursday, mom was sent back to the hospital because of a high white blood cell count and the fact that she had an unknown mass in her lower abdomen. They were very afraid of cancer. (They said she has two new spots on her lung...but we will deal with this after her current hospitalization.)

So, as of this writing, mom is still in the hospital. I'm still in WV...and my daughter that lives with me is here also. It has been very frightening for me, an only child.

And my life continues....

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Sorry that it has been so long since I last posted anything here. My life continues to be filled with all kinds of drama. So here is a very brief update.

My daughter has returned to El Salvador to close up shop. She has been there almost two full weeks and will return on Wednesday. My son has been visiting with me since last Monday and returns to Texas tomorrow evening. My other daughter in Nashville has been very busy and got to sing the National Anthem at a Coast Guard graduation ceremony in Georgia this weekend. She nailed it, from what I hear. This is so awesome. I am so very proud of her.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my mother, who is in remission from bone and lung cancer, is suffering tremendous back pain and has not told her doctors about this...or has even told me. I heard about this from my daughter in Nashville. My mom is putting this off until her next full body scan in early December.

My dad was found to have a spot on his lung....and had it biopsied last week. We hope to find out what is going on there sometime this week. Hopefully it will turn out to be something very minor.

I have just recovered from my seasonal bout of Asthma.... I'm now able to breathe fully again. On top of this, I am on pins and needles worrying about my parents.

So, inside I feel like a wreck. But I keep smiling.

Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode from all the negativity I feel. I need some miracles in my life....

Hey God, are you listening?

Greetings All! I am Back!

Sorry it has been such a long time coming, but I have been one busy boy these last few weeks. My eldest daughter went off to The Hague, Netherlands to spend the month with her Aunt that has just moved there from Colorado. She returns tomorrow...and is thrilled beyond words to be returning to home. She has not had a super time with the Aunt, who happens to be Lovey's oldest sister. Lovey is the oldest, and this aunt is next to her in age. She means well, but comes across as selfish and grating at times. I have often quipped that she moonlighted as a part time test pilot in a broom factory to the chagrin of Lovey.

I digress.

So while the little girl has been gone, Old Dad has spent some time to himself....and actually doing some photography. One of my friends even volunteered to be my first male nude model. Don't worry, it's not those kinds of pictures. It's the kind that I have been working on and longing to do. These are actually artistic nudes. So, with his permission, I am running one here to get your feedback. He really is quite a nice guy....former military....and is struggling with his sexuality.

I have served as a friend/mentor -- nothing more. We share a passion for photography....and he really has taught me a lot and he says the same thing for me. We plan to experiment more with lighting and take some more nudes with professional lighting. So, I will see how these all turn out.

Additionally I have been dating. But then, the men I have dated all are fixated on those guys who are younger and buffer than I....so my virture remains intact.

There is, however, one man that has caught my eye....and captured my heart in the process. He has sent me some mixed messages....and I have sent him some more direct ones. But, I am not sure just where this will all lead -- if anywhere. My friends who I have discussed this all with say that I need to just lay my cards onto the table and see what his reaction is. I suppose I don't have anything to lose...and everything to gain. After all, love/attraction, etc. is a crap shoot and life is very short. Why waste time playing cat and mouse?

Right?

I just find myself feeling these incredibly strong desires to just hold him. I told one of my friends that this is not about lust...or sexual desire. Gosh, I would be happy just being able to put my arm around him and give him a squeeze....or to just hold his hand...or to just cuddle.

We will see....

Please keep your fingers crossed.

I've also included a couple of other shots of that basically sums up the theme of fall coming to Northern Virginia. Enjoy!

Bummer!

I have finally arrived home following a very full day at the office and then having to rush off to a board of directors meeting for my homeowners association. I am the secretary -- a position I have held since 1995.

Perhaps it is me being tired -- overly so. But I'm a bit blue tonight.

Jim did not call or email me today.

And I have observed some of the people in my sphere who have partnered up. I'm feeling very much like the fifth wheel. I look at them and I wonder what is wrong with me. I would love to have someone in my life...but it ain't happening.

So I don't know.

It ain't good feeling this way.

Frank's Adventures Continue!

I suppose I'm getting bolder with letting people know how I feel. I'm also being braver about striking conversations with complete strangers.

Tonight I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store across the street from my house. Almost immediately this bautiful young man pulls up alongside me in a bright shiny new BMW. He had to be in his mid-twenties. But when he stopped, his passenger window was down, and he looked over. He did that eye lock thing.

I did too!

So I watched him out of the corner of my eye. So, I played a little game with myself. My goal? Get him to talk to me!

If it was convenient.

Well, as luck would have it, he was waiting in the self-checkout line as I approached. I decided to fall in line behind him. I got a full look at him.... He looked like a god. He was totally built....humongous muscles....GOSH.

His iPod was firmly planted in his pocket with his earphones plugged into his ears. So, I got up really close to him...and whispered in his ear. "What kinda car is that you're driving? Man, that thing is sharp!"

He looked up at me and grinned really big...."It's a BMW....(something or other....I was just tickled that I got to hear his voice)...."

"How long have you had it?" I asked.

"About two years."

"Great looking car I said."

We then went to our respective spots....and it happened that I was able to check out before him. So I was quite aways from him...and he followed me up the aisle to our cars.

"I wonder if he will say something..." I wondered.

I was loading my groceries in my back seat as he passed by.

"Have a great evening!" He said cheerily.

"I will," I answered. "You take care of that care and be safe."

"Oh I will."

And he was gone.

SCORE!

It doesn't take much to make the old gay guy happy!

********

On a more serious note. I was invited to a gay party last night that I decided at the last minute to go to. A number of my buddies was going to be there, and I decided to go. Just for the heck of it...and to further get buried in the gay social whirl.

The party was in a town considered part of the metro area of DC. Twenty-three gay men were there. A lot of guys I knew....but there were several I did not know.

So, I made my way around the room and shook hands with people. I did my best party animal impression by being outgoing and friendly and trying to be friendly. It is so very stressful because at heart I am quite shy.

But if it is one thing I have learned...it's that in order to survive as a single gay male, you have to get out there and show yourself friendly.

I was VERY busy last night mingling.

Just before dinner was served, the doorbell rang and another guest showed up.

My jaw nearly hit the floor. I felt an immediate connection. It wasn't lust....although he was quite attractive. But there was something about this man that clicked deeply inside me. It made me think....there is my partner. The one I have been looking for.

I had never felt that about anyone before.

Immediately though, the negative thoughts and feelings started. "Oh, he won't give you the time of day, Frank." "Give it up!" "He's out of your league fella."

Well, I watched him. And he sat right next to me. Everytime we spoke. He gave me the look and we locked eyes! So, in my heart of hearts, I decided, what do I have to lose? Let's see if there is anything to this that I have feeling deep inside me.

So during our conversation I gently pumped him for information. I found out that he works in finance...and I told him that I work for a bank regulator. He said that he had just broken up with an older man after they had been together for 7 months. The old guy was running around on him. I also learned that my new friend had a name. It's Jim. He's 39. He likes older men.

I said, "Jim, your partner was running around with younger guys when he had you at home?" He blushed and said, "Yes, he did. The real pathetic thing is that I begged him to not do it and come back home to me. But he won't."

Hmmmmmmm I thought.

He went on.

"Before that relationship, I have only been partnered one other time. My first one was a ten year relationship....and it ended because that guy was running around and doing drugs."

I just shook my head.

"Jim, you could have your pick of men."

He smiled again.

Gosh that beautiful smile could light up the entire metro area for a hundred years.

We chatted back and forth with the other guests...but I always made it a point to look at Jim...make that deep eye contact and smile.

As the evening wound down...and people were beginning to leave. Jim started telling everyone goodbye...and that he was getting ready to leave. In my mind, I could not just let him go without doing something.

I found a piece of paper and I carry a pen. I wrote down my cell phone number and my personal email address. I followed him to the front door and I said, "Jim, just a second. Please forgive me for being too forward, but I want you to have this."

I handed him the paper with my info on it.

"I have NEVER done this...and to be honest, it's taking a lot of guts for me to do this. But here's my telephone number and my email address. I would love to take you to dinner and get to know you better."

He smiled.

"I'll shoot you an email."

I said, "That would make my day if you would."

He smiled and pecked me on the cheek.

It was so very wonderful to meet this guy.

So far he has not called or written. And to be honest, he may not. But at least I have made the contact and not done what I have done so many times before....wait for the other person to make the first move.

Gosh, I hope he calls or writes. I feel so strongly about him, I don't know what to do!

I'm Gaining Confidence Y'all

Had a fun experience on Saturday Night I thought I would share.

However, let me say first that something has been evolving within me for the past few weeks. I have discussed it on some of the support groups online that I am a part of. We had discussed how to know if a man was gay...or how to communicate you're interested. It was decided that it was the look that you give the other man....or the look the other man gives you. I've been practicing my look....and have found that indeed it does seem to work. I used it at the nightclub on Saturday night. Here's my story:

A couple of my friends from church invited me to go to a nightclub that features male strippers. It is a relatively new club that features really hot men who get totally naked. They also do lap dances! Now, in all of my 51 years, I have never been to such a place... and have never received a lap dance. As I entered the club, I mustered up my confidence and courage. I made sure my posture was tall and straight. I walked in confidently and started looking around the place. The dancers were already on their pedestals and I began making unblinking eye contact with the bartenders and some of the strippers.

My friends and I found a nice couch and sat and watched this beautiful young man do his thing. He turned and looked at me and I gave hime the look and smiled. To my amazement, he smiled back broadly and came over to me and introduced himself. I shook his hand and he began dancing for me. I complimented him and soon he was on top of the couch with his body parts just a few inches from me. He then buried his face in the nape of neck and he whispered how good I smelled.

I tipped him and he was gone to others, but he kept looking over at me and winking.

Near the end of the evening I saw him dancing on the bar. I got up closer to watch, but out of the whole crowd of guys, he saw me. He grinned broadly at me and motioned for me to come closer. He then squatted down in front of me. I smiled and thanked him for making my first time there so special. He put a hand on both my shoulders. I looked into his beautiful eyes and said that of all the dancers I had watched during the evening, he was my favorite--hands down. He gave me that smile again, drew me closer, and thanked me. He also said it was easy to dance for me because of just how cute I was. He held me close then kissed my cheek!

I told him to stay safe and I floated into the crowd.

I then saw another couple of my friends in another part of the club. It has been a year since I saw them. They saw me and were glad to see me. One said, "Frank, I don't know what you have done to yourself, but damn you are looking hot tonight!"

I am amazed.

I realize that I was in a nightclub with dancers looking for tips. But that dancer was tremendously kind to me.

My friends were not looking for money, and they saw something different in me.

So something is happening and I am getting a tremendous kick out of it.

Perhaps I will meet someone special after all.

Fractured Toe

Well, yesterday I was running around trying to get all the stuff I needed for church. I ran into the corner of my clothes hamper which was at the foot of my bed. It hurt like hell. But I continued on. I rounded up all the stuff I needed. Got dressed and arrived at the church at 9:30 a.m. to prepare to do some video taping before everyone arrived so that I can make a host of promotional videos for the church's Web site.

It was a very long day. I did video footage of some of the proceedings. I also did some still photo work. I did not get home until late in the afternoon. As I was trying to get ready for a nap, (I had gone to a gay night club on Satuday night and stayed out until after 2am), my foot found the barbells my daughter had left in the middle of the floor of the rec room. The same toe was involved. When I arose from my nap, the toe in question was black and blue. It continued to hurt.

This morning I saw my internist....who was very concerned about the toe. She sent me to a radiologist. The radiologist hurt the toe further in trying to prepare it for xray.....my doctor saw the xray and made me go to the podiatrist immediately. The podiatrist determined that I had two fracture in that toe....I have it taped.....and wearing a special boot and am hobbling around the house. I am told to stay home from work tomorrow and keep my foot elevated.

Bummer.

The Intensity of Loneliness

I've spent some significant time the last little while with gay men who were, like me, once married to women, have children, and are now busily trying to find their way in a new situation as a somewhat out gay man.

They all said that they have had their moments of intense loneliness. "It's the kind of loneliness that cuts to the core of your very being," one said.

I have reflected on this comment for quite sometime since I heard its utterance.

It is very true.

I find myself going through periods of intense loneliness. It just isn't fun. It's not something that everyone can understand unless they, themselves, are going through it.

During my more lucid moments when things are alright....and I'm feeling good about myself, like right this moment as I am typing this, I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a full-time partner....or live in boyfriend. I think I would be open to date someone exclusively and have occasional sleepovers. But not the move-in type.

I am just not ready.

I have heard to many gay guys tell me that there is no way that two gay men can be monogamous to each other. They say that it is not good to lay the heterosexual paradigm of monogamy on top of the gay life. I have been told by so many people that this is not the norm in the gay world. Other men I have chatted with say, "Au contraire, it can happen."

So, as I have journeyed on this road to identifying potential boyfriends, I am somewhat afraid to commit to anyone. My motor just runs too hot....and I often wonder if I am good partner quality.

Tme will tell.

Perhaps I just think too much!

True Friends and Facebook

I really have had a grand time with Facebook. It has been an excellent way for me to reconnect with long lost relatives, schoolmates from long ago, and to make new connections with church friends, office friends, and others and even make new friends.

However, there is a darker side to Facebook. It has exposed my overly sensitive nature.

I can't help it, but this is just me. As I have become older, I have gotten thicker skinned. Still it can sting a bit when someone de-friends you: one day they are there, posting updates, and you're enjoying what they write. The next day: they're gone. They've disappeared not only from your friend list, but you realize they have blocked you from even searching for their profiles to keep you from maybe refriending them sometime in the future. (God forbid!)

One lady did this to me recently. She was a "friend" from another church I had once belonged to. I see her and her husband at the grocery store all the time. I always say hello to them. When I went to that church, I always had a warm and cordial relationship with them. Well, since she isn't here among my friends any more I am left to wonder. Gee, was it something I said? Was it my breath? Does this mean I no longer have to speak to her when I see her in the grocery store?

There are also those "friends" that I have chosen to drop. I generally am long-suffering and try to understand everyone's opinions and thoughts. But occasionally there are those who espouse certain things or say stuff that cross a line that I no longer can condone. It is then I jettison them from my Facebook Family.

Finally there are those "friends" I try to connect with here at Facebook only to have them ignore me! Not once, not twice, but three times. (It took me a while to "get it.") Some of these are school friends from long ago that I would really like to know how they have been. Still others are from that other church again. Church folks can be so fickle. In one case, I took pictures at a graduation ceremony featuring one of them...and so they seem disinterested in connecting with me. Oh well. Message received. LOUD and CLEAR.

So, as I ponder these social networking sites and the state of friendship...I don't like to let FACEBOOK be the gauge of true friendship. It just doesn't seem right. Still though, I wonder about the actions of those people here. But, there are my other friends. Those are the very special friends who aren't here...who don't want to be here....and have no plans to ever be here.

I like Facebook. To me, Facebook is just a fun thing to do to unwind at the end of a busy day and get to know people better. I will continue to have a good time with it and refuse to let a few twerps rain on my parade!

Today I read a great article about this very thing on WSJ.com. I thought I would run here. It just seems appropriate in light of my little epistle.

Read it and ponder:

How Facebook Ruins Friendships
AUGUST 25, 2009, 9:26 A.M. ET
By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN

Notice to my friends: I love you all dearly.

But I don't give a hoot that you are "having a busy Monday," your child "took 30 minutes to brush his teeth," your dog "just ate an ant trap" or you want to "save the piglets." And I really, really don't care which Addams Family member you most resemble. (I could have told you the answer before you took the quiz on Facebook.)

Here's where you and I went wrong: We took our friendship online. First we began communicating more by email than by phone. Then we switched to "instant messaging" or "texting." We "friended" each other on Facebook, and began communicating by "tweeting" our thoughts—in 140 characters or less—via Twitter. All this online social networking was supposed to make us closer. And in some ways it has.

Thanks to the Internet, many of us have gotten back in touch with friends from high school and college, shared old and new photos, and become better acquainted with some people we might never have grown close to offline. Last year, when a friend of mine was hit by a car and went into a coma, his friends and family were able to easily and instantly share news of his medical progress—and send well wishes and support—thanks to a Web page his mom created for him.

But there's a danger here, too. If we're not careful, our online interactions can hurt our real-life relationships. Like many people, I'm experiencing Facebook Fatigue. I'm tired of loved ones—you know who you are—who claim they are too busy to pick up the phone, or even write a decent email, yet spend hours on social-media sites, uploading photos of their children or parties, forwarding inane quizzes, posting quirky, sometimes nonsensical one-liners or tweeting their latest whereabouts. ("Anyone know a good restaurant in Berlin?")

One of the big problems is how we converse. Typing still leaves something to be desired as a communication tool; it lacks the nuances that can be expressed by body language and voice inflection. "Online, people can't see the yawn," says Patricia Wallace, a psychologist at Johns Hopkins University's Center for Talented Youth and author of "The Psychology of the Internet."

But let's face it, the problem is much greater than which tools we use to communicate. It's what we are actually saying that's really mucking up our relationships. "Oh my God, a college friend just updated her Facebook status to say that her 'teeth are itching for a flossing!'" shrieked a friend of mine recently. "That's gross. I don't want to hear about what's going on inside her mouth." That prompted me to check my own Facebook page, only to find that three of my pals—none of whom know each other—had the exact same status update: "Zzzzzzz." They promptly put me to "zzzzzzz."
This brings us to our first dilemma: Amidst all this heightened chatter, we're not saying much that's interesting, folks. Rather, we're breaking a cardinal rule of companionship: Thou Shalt Not Bore Thy Friends.

"It's called narcissism," says Matt Brown, a 36-year-old business-development manager for a chain of hair salons and spas in Seattle. He's particularly annoyed by a friend who works at an auto dealership who tweets every time he sells a car, a married couple who bicker on Facebook's public walls and another couple so "mooshy-gooshy" they sit in the same room of their house posting love messages to each other for all to see. "Why is your life so frickin' important and entertaining that we need to
know?" Mr. Brown says.

Gwen Jewett, for her part, is sick of meal status updates. "A few of my friends like to post several times a day about what they are eating: 'I just ate a Frito pie.' 'I am enjoying a double hot-fudge sundae at home tonight.' 'Just ate a whole pizza with sausage, peppers and double cheese,'" says the 49-year-old career coach in suburban Dallas. "My question is this: If we didn't call each other on the phone every time we ate before, why do we need the alerts now?"

For others, boredom isn't the biggest challenge of managing Internet relationships. Consider, for example, how people you know often seem different online—not just gussied up or more polished, but bolder, too, displaying sides of their personalities you have never seen before.

Alex Gilbert, 27, who works for a nonprofit in Houston that teaches creative writing to kids, is still puzzling over an old friend—"a particularly masculine-type dude"—who plays in a heavy-metal band and heads a motorcycle club yet posts videos on Facebook of "uber cute" kittens. "It's not fodder for your real-life conversation," Mr. Gilbert says. "We're not going to get together and talk about how cute kittens are."

James Hills discovered that a colleague is gay via Facebook, but he says that didn't bother him. It was after his friend joined groups that cater to hairy men, such as "Furball NYC," that he was left feeling awkward. "This is something I just didn't need to know," says Mr. Hills, who is 32 and president of a marketing firm in Elgin, Ill. "I'd feel the same way if it was a straight friend joining a leather-and-lace group."

And then there's jealousy. In all that information you're posting about your life—your vacation, your kids, your promotions at work, even that margarita you just drank—someone is bound to find something to envy. When it comes to relationships, such online revelations can make breaking up even harder to do.

"Facebook prolongs the period it takes to get over someone, because you have an open window into their life, whether youwant to or not," says Yianni Garcia of New York, a consultant who helps companies use social media. "You see their updates, their pictures and their relationship status."

Mr. Garcia, 24, felt the sting of Facebook jealousy personally last spring, after he split up with his boyfriend. For a few weeks, he continued to visit his ex's Facebook page, scrutinizing his new friends. Then one day he discovered that his former boyfriend had blocked him from accessing his profile.
Why? "He said he'd only 'unfriended' me to protect himself, because if someone flirted with me he would feel jealous," Mr.Garcia says.

Facebook can also be a mecca for passive-aggressive behavior. "Suddenly, things you wouldn't say out loud in conversation are OK to say because you're sitting behind a computer screen," says Kimberly Kaye, 26, an arts writer in New York. She was surprised when friends who had politely discussed health-care reform over dinner later grew much more antagonistic when they continued the argument online.

Just ask Heather White. She says her college roommate at the University of Georgia started an argument over text about who should clean their apartment. Ms. White, 22, who was home visiting her parents at the time, asked her friend to call her so they could discuss the issue. Her friend never did.

A few days later, Ms. White, who graduated in May, updated her Facebook status, commenting that her favorite country duo, Brooks & Dunn, just broke up. Almost immediately, her roommate responded, writing publicly on her wall: "Just like us."

The two women have barely spoken since then.

So what's the solution, short of "unfriending" or "unfollowing" everyone who annoys you? You can use the "hide" button on Facebook to stop getting your friends' status updates—they'll never know—or use TwitterSnooze, a Web site that allows you to temporarily suspend tweets from someone you follow. (Warning: They'll get a notice from Twitter when you begin reading their tweets again.)

But these are really just Band-Aid tactics. To improve our interactions, we need to change our conduct, not just cover it up.

First, watch your own behavior, asking yourself before you post anything: "Is this something I'd want someone to tell me?"

"Run it by that focus group of one," says Johns Hopkins's Dr. Wallace. And positively reward others, responding only when they write something interesting, ignoring them when they are boring or
obnoxious. (Commenting negatively will only start a very public war.)

If all that fails, you can always start a new group: "Get Facebook to Create an Eye-Roll Button Now!"

Pairing Off

I am still on my soapbox about finding a mate. Sometimes I think this whole thing is going to wind up getting the best of me. I don't want to be alone in the remaining time of my life. I want to have a happy and fulfilled life -- full of love....laughter....happiness...joy. You know, all that good stuff.

This week has really been a downer in terms of my feelings of loneliness....profound sadness....and downright gloom over all this. It sounds pretty silly to all of you out there in the ether of the Internet: this 50 something year old man....who has so much to be thankful for....is sitting and pining away for a relationship. AARGH!

One of the things that tend to make me smile in a warped way...is that one of the most romantic days of the year is Valentine's Day. Many is the day that I have gone into restaurants on that wonderful occasion and seen all the couples paired off. All the folks are of different sizes, shapes, ages, etc. In some cases, I've even shook my head to say, "Wow, how did they ever hook up?" I mean, even some of the ugliest men on the earth has a babe on their arm. Or a most unattractive woman will have a hunk on hers!

Day before yesterday, I was having lunch in our cafeteria. At the same time, where I work is offering free screenings for TAMIFLU. Everyone where I work and those people that live with them can get a free prescription for this drug and will receive the drug in case of an outbreak of an epidemic.

Some of my friends brought their wives...husbands....kids.... One man in particular, who I have always believed to be gay, brought his partner in. Now, I have to tell you, my friend is very attractive. He is well built, relatively young, many attractive qualities -- not to mention an excellent job.

Then I looked at his partner.

He is not what I would have expected.

He was older and the advancing years had not been too kind.

He had lots of facial wrinkles....and just did not give himself to the same robustness that my friend has.

So, as I sat there watching them together.....I couldn't help but wonder, why can't I find someone. What's wrong with me?

I shook my head...got up and returned to my office.

More Pondrances on an OLD Theme

Here I go again...

Please don't lecture me....and please don't accuse me of "whining"... I'm just processing thoughts as I write this. So bear with me...please?

If this isn't your "cup of tea," then by all means, navigate from this blog and go some place else for today.

I am exceedingly Lonely. Note the capital L.

Yup.

We're back at that theme again.

And, I'm not alone in this. I have tons of gay friends who are in my age range, who feel the same way. They find that the further they slip over the age of 50, in the gay world, it's practically curtains. You might as well find the pretty box and close the lid and get buried.

It's over.

Finito!

I have joined a number of dating sites. Most people just pass on by my profile. It gets traffic...but I never hear from anyone. When I look at the guys who have viewed my profile...some are really eye catching...so I complete an "Ice breaker"...only to have them appear like a neanderthal in their responses with one word grunts.

Some of the guys in my age are only interested in people 27 and a half to 32.4. Other guys are only interested in guys up to 45. Still others are only interested in those guys who are "built"...clearly I don't fall into that category. Or they want someone who is athletically inclined....clearly not me.

I have met some interesting and eligible men through mutual friends...but I freeze. I am so timid and shy. I know I must seem like a dork.

Other men that I have been out with seem way too picky for my tastes. They get all upset because a child cries in a public restaurant...blah...blah.

Then there are those who do express an interest. Like the guy who began stalking me....and telling me how he wanted to be so close to me that he wanted me to go everywhere with him. He wanted to be able to inhale my morning breath and other odors. The thing that took the cake was when he said that he wanted me to share erotic bowel movements with me...IN THE SHOWER -- "our logs of love mingling together."

I kid you not!

Then there are the men who are amputees....the ones in wheelchairs.....the ones who have been diagnosed as bi-polar, but are good about staying on their meds....the ones who weigh 500 pounds.....the ones who want to be referred to as Amanda.....

It's tough being gay.

It's tough being an average, run-of-the-mill, 50something, divorced, lonely, white, gay man.

At times, I want to burn my gay membership card.....ditch the decoder ring....forget the secret handshake....and go live on a mountaintop.

But here I am.

Still hoping to meet that one-in-a-million man. The one that is just a normal man. One with normal needs. Normal dreams. Normal wants.

Someone to grow old with. Someone to share my life with -- the ups and the downs -- the losses and the gains -- the good and the bad...

But honestly, I don't know if this is going to happen.

About 3 weeks ago I met a wonderful man at a party I was invited to. He and I have absolutely nothing in common. He's blue collar....I'm a government executive. He likes drinking with his buddies....I don't drink.

He doesn't go to church....I do and am quite active.

He also identifies as straight...I'm gay. And he keeps telling everyone how straight he is....including me. "I don't want you to get your hopes up," he keeps saying. Those of us who know him thinks he is dealing with this issue and is scared by it.

I saw him at a cookout the following week...and he followed me like a puppy dog. Wherever I sat...he moved to be near me. When I went to stand by the grill at the other end of the deck, he found a reason to come stand by me. When everyone else went inside to see something that the host had recently gotten, I decided to stay out on the deck. Guess who stayed with me? He did.

At the end of the evening. He gave me a very long bear hug.

The host told me that she had never seen him act that way with anyone. She asked me what we had in common..and I said..."Nothing...absolutely nothing." I went on. "But you know...opposites attract and he seems to be the type of person who has never been loved and cared for unconditionally. I could do that for him!"

And I could.

But, I'm not going to pursue this. It could be a trainwreck in disguise.

So I watch...and wait.

Surely there is a man....a good man.....looking for me.

A Good Evening

The last few days have been uneventful. I've gotten the opportunity to relax and spend some quiet time by myself. My daughter is visiting her mother down in the Tidewater area of Virginia. Church was good. We spent a lot of time Sunday afternoon and this evening running through practice of an original program put together by one of my fellow church members in honor of the 40th Anniversary of the Stonewall riots -- the riots that launched the gay rights movement.

I was able to also prepare my slideshow contributions for this production. I've been asked to do some readings.

We present this program on Saturday night. It appears to be a sellout

Some VERY Good News

Heard from my friend Lily today. Her scan yesterday revealed that the cancer has not spread....and so once the organ is removed, she will be in tip-top shape and should be able to come back to work within the next 2-3 weeks. YIPPEE. This is a tremendous answer to our prayers. Thank you friends for remembering her.

********

So far this weekend has been pretty good. I have spent some quality time with my daughter. I've spoken to my other daughter from Nashville who has made the journey to West Virginia to visit her grandparents. They were so pleasantly pleased that she joined them. I am glad she did this.

My son, on the other hand is in limbo. He had announced great plans to marry a woman from Georgia this week...but it looks like that this is off for now. I'm am very relieved about this. He needs to just chill and get to know her a little better before he goes off and marries her.

WHEW.

Other than this, I have had a basically uneventful week. It has been very busy. But thank goodness for weekends.

In other news, I have been dating.

Yup dating.

I am not sure where it will all lead....but at least I am putting myself out there to meet guys....and spend time with them. Please note that this does not mean that I have been getting them between the sheets.....as a matter of fact, I have not done that at all with any of my prospective beaus.

But I must say, it has been good to be in the presence of some very charming men.

I am taking my time....and getting to know them. Who knows? One of them could turn out to be my husband!

Stay tuned....and keep that happy energy flowing in my direction!

More later.