Loving People 2

Just a note about that post entitled Loving People. It seems that under the qualifications I have for a mate, that I forgot the one most important one: a man that I love....unconditionally......and one that loves me in return.

I kind of thought that was just an "understood" qualification....especially given the name of the post as LOVING PEOPLE.

But, I just wanted to take a moment to make that point crystal clear!

Depression in Gay Men

I just read a statistic somewhere that said that one of the top 10 health problems among gay men is depression.

I wonder why?

Could it be because so many of us grow up inside a deep dark closet and the only tools we have developed to cope with this thanks to society and the church are isolations, repression and self-hatred?

For me, it has not been clinical depression. I think it's more situational depression...or what I would call the blues.

Before marriage, I would have periods of self-loathing....and I would want to be by myself. I wanted to hide. I felt so all alone....and unwanted. I just didn't seem to feel like I could ever fit in. Even in a crowd of people...I felt the coldness of being alone.

When I got married....all that went away. I was busy about getting my life in order -- establishing my family -- climbing the corporate ladder. Who had time for the "blues?"

But then, as I reached my 40s and beyond, it suddenly started to reappear. I started erecting walls of isolation...and would feel rather antisocial. I detested being around my wife's family. They all had such wonderful social whirls...and I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I felt nothing in common with them. Family gatherings were a source of tremendous stress for me.

Then the separation and the divorce happened. Honestly, I felt like I was losing my mind. The period of 2005-2007 are perhaps the closest I have come to a nervous breakdown.

My world simply fell apart.

Not only did I lose my wife -- the one person I was taught to trust beyond measure. The one I could tell my deepest and darkest secrets to -- the one who knew me warts and all -- betrayed me. All my secrets became public knowledge...
I felt naked and alone.

At that time, I also lost the man in my life that I considered to be my soulmate. He was the love of my life...but for reasons still not clear to me....he could not deal with my divorce and he was not prepared to leave his wife. (I never had wanted him to.)

As time has passed, I got up the courage and the strength to pick myself up.....dust myself off.....and then begin again, but this time as a relatively out single gay man.

And here I am...

So I suppose I have earned the right to be blue now and then. It doesn't mean I enjoy it. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

It means I am human and that I still have a few demons to work with.

Yesterday after lunch the blues hit me -- like a ton of bricks they hit...without warning. I still smart a bit from their arrival...and am working quite hard to extricate myself from the pit.

It's very slow going.

It may sound funny.....but when I have these fits of sadness....I look for the triggers. I want to be able to shore myself up so that I can rise above them.

Yesterday, the main trigger was something totally silly. At lunch, I had time to look at Facebook. I sort of have a love -- hate relationship with the social networking site.

I have now had my account for almost two years. Oddly, in that time I have amassed just under 500 friends. Not too shabby for a man that complained just a few short years ago that I had no friends.

But here I am...with almost 500...people that I really have relationships with...people that I know....people that I care about and they care for me.

So, how did the sadness occur?

Well, I had seen that my ex-brother-in-law (he's the ne that's mom recently died and I moved heave and earth for to attend her funeral last week at Arlington National Cemetery.) had joined Facebook. So, I sent a friend request with a note saying, "I really hope this finds you well. I am so sorry about your mom. Let me know if there is anything I can do."

I submitted the friend request for his review and approval.

Yesterday at lunch I found out that he had ignored it.

TOTALLY

So even though it's silly.....and even though it's just FACEBOOK....it erupted the avalanche of the blues that came cascading upon my life.

This morning, I only added to this by listening to a Wynonna Judd song, "Is It Over Yet?" It came up on the I-pod while driving into work this morning. It's about the break up of a relationship...and everytime I hear it...I go back to the day of Lovey's departure, which I was not present for thankfully, but the song brings back that time period quite effectively.

I was right there again.

Standing in my empty house remembering what had been and wondering what would be.

Alone.

Afraid.

But determined.

To live again.

So here I am at my desk, about to begin a new day. It's hot outside. It's 2010.

Time to move on....and pull myself up off the floor.

GOSH Y'ALL!

I'm not sure what's happening with this blog right now....but readership is way, way up!

In fact, y'all set a record on Sunday. We had 63 separate visits!

Thank you for reading the ramblings of a middle-aged gay man.

Loving People

I find that I have a tremendous love for people, in general.

I love gay people in particular.

I enjoy hearing their coming out stories....and if they are partnered or have been partnered, how they met, etc.

Yesterday at lunch bunch (the group that I serve as host for from my church -- each Sunday after church, we meet at a local restaurant and share a meal together. It helps us to get to know each other.) I sat next to an elderly woman that I have admired from afar, but not really quite gotten to know. She has a lovely British accent and I knew that she had been partnered for a while, but her partner had passed away a few years ago.

Lunch was a delight. We laughed and carried on and shared a host of stories. Turns out that Dianne (that's her name), was born and raised in South Africa. She spent her formative years there and shuttled to and from England. She was a nurse and told me her coming out story...and how she met her partner -- another nurse in 1967 in England. Her partner was American...and that is how she wound up here in Northern Virginia. Her one regret is that in the process of hooking up with her partner....she had to ditch a previous partner....and ow painful that all was. As it turned out, the previous partner married and had children....but died young from cancer. But in the end...everyone was happy.

I suppose that's what the bottom line is of life....is to figure out what those things are in your life that make you happy....or complete you.....and then go for it.

In the wee hours of the morning as I lay awake on my bed, I wonder what it takes to make me happy. I have everything I could ask for materially. I guess the one thing that would make me ecstatic at the moment would be for me to win the lottery and pay off all my bills! Then, to have a special someone in my life.

This weekend I ave been asked a few times about what it is that I look for in a man. Here is what I said. I prefaced it by saying that while the list of requirements sounds like I am narcissistic, it really isn't. You see, I'm not looking for anything from anyone that I'm not prepared to give in return. So, with all that said, here is my list:

1. I want a man who will accept me for being me -- not for what he thinks I should be...or what he wants me to be. Just someone who will take me at face value...and to love me unconditionally.

2. I want to matter to someone. I don't want to be anyone's leftovers....or their afterthoughts. I don't want to be his dirty little secret...where he is afraid to let other know about "us." I want to be the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up. I want him to think about me during the day. I want him to pick up the telephone and call me during the day....or to send me email.

3. I want him to be romantic.....and yes, someone that enjoys sex -- no hangups... Someone who has an adventurous streak...an element of creativity -- a man that is not afraid to be affectionate appropriately in public....and in private.

4. I want someone who knows how to laugh....at himself....with others... and possesses an easygoing personality. Someone who can be flexible and is not whiny.

5. I want someone that is not afraid to have a lively discussion or to disagree....

6. I want someone that I can respect and to honor. Someone who has a degree of spirituality.

7. I want someone who has a love of the beach.....travel.....antiques...old cars....junk stores....photography.....world affairs....exploring new places......

8. Finally a person who is his own man...dependable....not co-dependent....warm...loving...a strong presence...and a man who loves kids.....maybe even has some of his own.....or perhaps he will come to love mine.

Perhaps I am too picky....but I dream for this guy....and can hardly wait for him to be revealed!

Another Day

It is a beautiful Sunday morning here in the DC metro area. My daughter is upstairs running around at this writing getting ready to go to her church. She has announced that she wants to go with me to mine at 11am. So I must pick her up at 10:30. My dear friend, the Associate Pastor is preaching today...and he has asked that I videotape it. I have agreed to do so. So this will be a very neat experience.

Life continues to be going well for me. I really have no complaints.

I know of a few areas where I need to improve myself....and to get over some little fears that I have.

But don't we all?

One of the things that I have worked on....and I'm really proud of is the fact that I enjoy my company. I have come to really like me as a person. I am comfortable finally in my own skin. I detest drama and pretense.

I am also enjoying alone time.

Now, if I can just get over the fear of taking long trips by myself...

For the most part, I think that if there is no man out there for me -- ever -- I think I could be happy alone with myself.

This is certainly a mouthful....and it has taken a very long time for me to reach this point.

And...to my new pal in cyberspace, Ron. Thanks for your comments of encouragement....I am learning a lot from you.

Frank's Night Out

One of my friends, who has just moved to town from out west, invited me to dinner tonight. He and I have been friends for over 5 years. We met when I joined an online support group for gay married men who are also out to their wives. At the time I joined, I was in that category...and trying to make the most of it.

As I was getting started in the group, I learned that they were having their annual conference at a hotel in Baltimore. I decided to sign up for one full day -- the Saturday of the conference. Well, that turned out to be the second day after my wife announced that we were separating and gonna be divorced.

By the time I reached that meeting, I was a total wreck. This dear friend sat to my right...and he treated me like a mother hen during that meeting. He kept asking me if I were alright. Then just being there with a hand on my shoulder and telling me that it was okay to cry....that I was in a safe place...and to just breathe.

It also helped to know that he was a physician.

His kindness spoke volumes to me that day. I've never forgotten him...and we have kept in sporadic contact since. So, we were both tickled when he found out that he was moving to the DC area.

I've gotten to spend a lot of time with him...and it has just been special.

Tonight we had dinner at one of my favorite gay hangouts..... He'd never been there...but truly enjoyed it. I then suggested we spend the rest of the evening at a gay bar that features nude male dancers shaking all their "kibbles and bits." On the lower level, they feature a full drag show.

So we spent the evening there...and had a blast.

But I have to say, not only have I literally blown the house with the picket fence ...Ward Cleaver.....nuclear family ideal totally to smithereens.....but I have also trashed what used to be my image of myself as a child of God. Picture this: Frank, the fine upstanding Christian Man....from the old days......going to a gay bar.....(drinking lots of diet coke I might add)....and a huge percentage of the male dancers waving at me cheerily and calling me by name as I entered!

"Hey Frank....How are you?"

"Aw, Frank Baby....It's so good to see you!"

One of the Bulgarian dancers (a personal favorite) saw me from all the way across the room.....and he motioned for me to come over to where he was gyrating naked on his platform. As I approached....he knelt down.....gave me a big bear hug and kissed me. He told me how great it was to see me....that he had missed me......and he was so happy I was there....and he commented on how well I looked.


One of the youngest dancers, a 21 yo, commented to my friend that he and his boyfriend, (me), sure made a striking couple! My friend, went along.....thanked him.....put his arm around me....and gave me a kiss!

I nearly died.

For the rest of the evening....his arm was draped comfortably around me. He held me close....and as we drove home, he said to me...."Frank, I want you to know just how much I enjoy spending time with you!"

I smiled and replied, "I enjoy spending this time with you too!"

However, in typical Frank fashion....(I can't just have a normal relationship with someone it seems)....he is married.....and has been for 32 years. His wife knows about him....and is supportive of him having a closed loop relationship with someone -- that is, a married man who has a physical/emotional relationship with another married man...or a single gay man......who have agreed to be monogamous solely with each other. The married man is only with the man....and his own wife.

Why must this always seem so difficult?

Work in Progress: The Old Tapes Play On...

It never ceases to amaze me just how much incidents from our childhood can affect the rest of our lives.

I've never been into sports.....and I credit it all with some bad experiences I had in elementary school. Back then I tried my hardest to fit in....and do what was expected of me. But, back then, folks like me were the fodder of abusive jokes....and mistreatment at the hands of classmates, and yes, even the teachers themselves.

I kind of picture myself as being somewhat "geeky"....or a "sissy" at times. But really, I didn't know this...and I tried very hard to be all boy.

Sadly, at the time I felt I failed badly.

On the basketball court, I dribbled like a girl.....on the volleyball court I acted like a sissy.......in baseball....I threw it like a girl.....on and on. You gave me a sport....and I was always compared to being like a girl.

So, I shied away from sports.

Of any kind.

I associated the stale gym locker room with distaste.... I was always afraid of having a misplaced erection there when I would shower, but.....it never happened.

I was just a mess of emotions.

So, let's fast forward some 30 years later. All three of my kids are athletic. They workout....the practically live at the gym....and they love sports. My daughter who lives with me loves tennis.....volley ball.....baseball.....softball........basketball.....EVERYTHING.

This morning she asked me to ride along with her to the tennis courts near our house....while she hit some tennis balls at the wall for a while. I did ...and in the midst of her fun she says to me:

"Dad, I would so get a kick out of watching you do this!"

In my head I heard, "I would have love to make fun of you while you get your sissy butt out on the court and try to hit the ball."

I found myself evading the opportunity. I told her that I was "too old"....or that I didn't want to....or that I had no interest.....

She kept badgering me...."Won't you at least give it a try?" she asked.

Finally, with those tapes of long ago playing in my head....I attempted to use the tennis racket and have some fun.

Gosh I was rusty....and I found myself repeating those tapes to myself. I really wasn't too much of an encourager to myself. I did more to tear down my esteem. But my daughter really was upbeat and positive.

After a few minutes of hitting the ball......I starting to improve. Oh, don't worry...I'm not headed to Wimbledon anytime soon....but I found it very interesting to get out there and try.

In spite of myself...

Mental Health Day

Today I took as a mental health day from my office.

Plain and simple.

Actually, I needed the day to myself because I wanted to go to the funeral of friend at Arlington National Cemetery. She was the mother of one of my former brothers in law and I thought it would be kind of me to go.

I then went to the family reception afterwards at a swanky restaurant in Arlington VA...and spent some more time with Mom O'Lovey....(Lovey's mother).

It was super good to be with fzmily members....or former family members to be able to offer some comfort. Then tonight I hosted a bible study.

It is now over...and I am exhausted.

It's bed time.

I'll write more in the morning.

On Being Gay and Single

Dawn is just now breaking over the metro area. I'm sitting here at my desk, enjoying the glow of my 27 inch Apple monitor....coffee at my side and I am writing to you, my dear friends in blog land.

In all of my discussions I have with my gay friends who are married, one topic constantly comes up, Not only are they mortally afraid of being found out that they are in fact, gay, but they are petrified at losing what they have. They fear the loss of material wealth and possessions they have worked a lifetime to achieve.

But, as you talk to them, the base fear of all if their concern of being alone.

It's all very real and I am fortunate to not have lost much of my world goods. I've landed squarely on my feet. I have my job...I have my house...I have my cars.....I have my kids.

BUT...

I am alone.

And to be honest, it isn't all that fun.

I don't like it. In fact, I hate it.

In my dreams I think about waking up next to a good guy every morning.....and just being able to snuggle and to hug...and to kiss....and to touch. I think about communicating with him during the day....and saying hello....having occasional lunches together.....

I long to do just the normal, mundane stuff that one does with a life companion.

But I have to say....in my life right now....it just doesn't look good.

Here's a run down of my life thus far.

There's the man in Huntington, WV. He's the wonderful guy I met while there on my last trip. I enjoyed him so very much. BUT -- he's not interested in a long term relationship. He only wants one night stands. So, he's out..

Theres the guy here who came to my church. He's former military...and he's even dated a gay porn star. He's cute...he's funny....he cooks.....and he came on to me. He fixed me dinner and we saw AVATAR together. But then....he says he is too busy for a romance right now. So he's out.

Then there is Doug. He is six years older than me. He is gentle....loving...kind..... Definitely husband material. He has feelings for me. BUT.....he's married and speaks of how dangerous I am. So he's out.

There's another man that I have a crush on. My heart flips when he's around. He enjoys spending time with me. But the communications we have are sporadic. He's very busy....and He's married. BUT..his wife encourages him to get out there and find a partner. Defnitely not getting my hopes on that one.

There's another guy that I have been "seeing".... We have dinner periodically....and we enjoy being around each other. But emotionally it feels as though the relationship is stalled.

Then, there's SEX GOD. He's a guy I've known for quite sometime. He's available....and I'm available. The sex between us is incredible. Mindblowing....toe curling......earth quaking.....bed shaking.....lovemaking. WHEW! But in this case, I have my walls up. I don't really know why...other than the fact that several years ago this man hurt me terribly. At the time, I didn't know it had affected me so bad.....but it did. We've spoken of it. And this go round, there is potential for additional hurt: for example....he demands secrecy. We can totally have an all night sex marathon.....where we are both totally exhausted.... Yet, he doesn't want his family to know about us.....or his friends to know. So I have to ask....why do I have to be such a "dirty little secret." I deserve much better. So, he's out.

There are also the countless crushes I have had. These are the hotties that I have had tremendous crushes on. They have no clue. Some of my friends have encouraged me to go after them. To lay my cards all on the table and to make myself vulnerable. But, I'm just not in the mood to make myself that vulnerable.

So, I just sit.....and ponder.....and wish....... Wish that some of these men who are "so busy" would stop being so. Or those married guys would grow some balls and bust the closet door off their hinges.....and come after me!

Or those who are having such great sex with me would be honest and say what's on their mind...... Not be so secretive.

I just wish sometimes there were some more role models out there to compare myself to. Or some sort of mile marker or gauges that would tell me what the steps in gay male dating are. Or...how to know if the other guy is truly interested in me more than a quick romp in the hay.

I think I am doomed to be the perpetual best friend.....always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So these are the things I am thinking about on this very early Thursday morning in Washington, DC.

More Closure

Sitting at my desk and getting ready to run to an important 9am meeting, but I feel the burning need to write.

Although I am full of nervous apprehension at what lies ahead with my parents' medical conditions: dad is doing well...but his mind appears to be going down the tubes....mother's cancer is back and the tumor and lymph node have increased in size over the last two months, I am filled with a strange calmness and sense that everything is going to be alright.

Another opportunity for closure happened yesterday. I got to spend the entire day with Mom O'Lovey. She lives just down the street from me....and I keep in close touch with her. Over the past five years, she and I have forged a very close and loving relationship. So, if she needs anything, I do my best to provide it and such was the case yesterday. She needed me to help her run a few errands and it wound up taking the entire day.

It gave me some valuable one-on-one time with her that I don't normally get. We talked about everything under the sun...including all of her duaghters....and my divorce....etc.

I shared with her that I had a conversatin with Lovey last week that brought me some closure. I also told her some of the things we discussed and how hurt I had been by some of her actions including that awful series of emails from early on last year that basically told me I was persona non grata. As I had suspected, Mom did not know any of this...and she had wondered why we had seemed so distant. In fact, it appeared that Lovey did what Lovey has always done...painted me as that awful old "good for nothing" ex-husband that made her life hell. Yesterday, the door opened for Mom to see it all from another side.

She cried and apologized to me.

The purpose of my opening up and sharing stuff with her was not a play to get her "on my side"...but it gave me a chance to clear the air and to bring yet another level of closure to my life as God continues to move in my life.

I am definitely feeling much, much better about things in general....and these pesky little items in particular.

We'll see what happens moving forward.

And Finally....Closure

It's very early on Sunday morning. I'm very thankful that I don't have to go to work in the morning. I am planning a relatively slow-paced day...and doing some chores and paying the bills.

If you have read a lot of this blog, you know that a lot of my issues have centered around my ex-wife, Lovey. I've groaned and moaned. I've felt anger....I've felt hostility....I've felt betrayal......I've felt bitterness....I've even felt a sprig of hatred towards her -- all for some very basic issues.

* Her outting of me when it wasn't necessary to her attorney at the end of the divorce process.
* Her outting me to everyone she could think of in order to make herself look good.
* Her accusations that I have turned my parents against her.
* Her using me to help her with her ordination submission and then not bothering to invite me to the festivities.
* Her greediness.
* Her downplaying of anything good that I brought to the marriage and to her.

Oh...I could list a lot more.

As this blog shows...it has been quite a journey. Lots of depressing things happening.....Lots of loneliness.....Lots of room to feel sorry for myself.

And I haven't been getting better from it. Some of this stuff has been festering for quite sometime.

I really don't feel the need to go into all the gory details. Suffice it all to say that I have expended way too much energy and time dwelling on this situation...and allowing old wounds to fester....and to ooze.... Sorry to say, when wounds like this and open and fester and ooze....they only increase the amount of pain suffered by the owner and actually serve no good purpose.

About three months ago, a dear friend of mine, who was a former lady minister, needed a place to stay....and I offered the spare room at the house I share with my daughter. While she was here, she and I got to talk a lot about the things in our lives that were holding us back for closer communion with God.

I spoke honestly and directly about Lovey and the many things that had been festering in my life....and she said, "Frank, you need to pray for grace for this individual."

"But I don't want grace for that individual."

"Frank," she said. "Pray it anyway and pray it repeatedly. Pray that God will give you the grace to let it go...and to get rid of the hatred and bitterness."

"But I don't want to let it go....I'm angry....and I'm bitter.....and it's all their fault.....and I want them to know it."

"Frank," she said again. "You really need to let God soften your heart. If you don't, you could miss the blessings waiting in store for you. You may miss out on the leading of the Spirit. Trust me, and pray for this individual every day...even when you don't feel like it."

So, that very night I began praying.

I've done so every night for the last three months.

My prayer went something like this: "God, you know how I am feeling about so and so. You know the hurt I have felt....the rejection I have experienced.....the emotional pain and suffering I have experienced. I ask right now that you will bless so and so. Please give them the grace they need to function. Bless them...and use them in your work. Help me to let my issues go. Help me to be a better believer that can be used for your service."

This week I realized how much those prayers were working. Out of the blue, Lovey called me. She was friendly.

Had she actually consented to that lobotomy I had often hoped she would have? Or had I merely forgotten the alimony check? Or had I done something wrong? Or was she calling to chew me out for something I neglected?

No...she said she was lonely in her church parsonage there in the midst of nowhere. (My daughter was out for the evening.)

We reminisced about the olden days.....I told her that I was having fun running my Facebook page.....and keeping in touch with all my friends. She paused and said, "Frank, would you like to be my friend on Facebook again?"

I paused and said, "No. Not if it is going to end like the last time. I am done with all that."

She was taken aback and I was amazed at how direct I spoke to her. No tears welled up in me as it had previously. I numbed to the pain of the separation and the divorce.

We continued our discussion.

A door opened and I marched through it. I told her that I had hoped we could forge a close friendship with all of our history. But that I seriously felt at times this was impossible....given her sudden outbursts. I finally asked...."While I have you hear...there is something I need to know. After all that we had been through as a couple, and all the stuff I did to help you realize your dream of ordination, why did you not see fit to invite me to your actual ordination? "

And this is how I addressed each issue that had been festering within me for so long--point by point....issue by issue.

She cried. I did not.

She tried to blame her attorney and everything else.

But I did not cry....I was matter of fact and probed deeper.

Finally, she almost cried UNCLE. She actually acknowledged that she was wrong and that even though the gay issue was something to be dealt with.....had she been paying attention, she would not have sought divorce. She said that she had been distracted with her studies and her quest for ordination. She was afraid of what people would think about her if they ever found out that she was married to a gay man.

She had regrets.

She wishes she had someone in her life to grow old with.

In the kindest way possible, I told her "Lovey, you had all that. I was willing to be that person. So, wherever you go or whatever you do, there is one thing I always want you to remember: yes I was as gay as a goose. It was not your fault.....it had nothing to do with you. It is how I am wired. But in spite of all that, I loved you. Oh, I may have not had sexual desire for you....but the love was very real and very deep. I dare say...that no matter who you may meet....you will never find another man that loves you more than what I did."

It felt so good to let all those feelings out....and to say them clearly.....without sobs....without tears....but in just a matter of fact way.

Finally, I can say the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders. These thoughts needed to be expressed to the source of my pain. And I did that.

Today I feel as though God is beginning to do something in my life. I am expectant...and cannot wait to see it all fall into place.

I think I understand what a visiting preacher told me "in the spirit" last June a year ago. She said, "Frank, God wants you to know that He is creating a new life for you. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. If you knew all that was in store for you, honey, it would blow your mind! But, even though God is at work in your life to create something new....some of the old is determined to haunt your new life. This will hold you back."

I think I now understand what she meant. I am waiting and watching.

Finally, this significant chapter in my life is now closed.

I've Got To Do Something....

With all the things that have been swirling around and through my life over the last little while...I need a FUN vacation -- time just for me.

So I am trying to conjure up a trip. Maybe Myrtle Beach....or maybe Rehoboth Beach....or maybe Wildwood/Cape May.....or even Williamsburg and the Tidewater areas of VA!

My only problem is I am not wild about the prospect of going ALONE.

BUT, I will if I have to.

I need this.

I am edgy.

I am hyper.

I'm stressed.

Y'all...send some positive thoughts/prayers this direction.

I Must Be Clairvoyant!

All the stuff that I said about my son in my last post was on target.

Plain and simple.

He actually came home the morning of his scheduled flight to say that he had called the airline to find out the status of his flight. They said it was cancelled due to mechanical problems and that he would not be able to get out until the next day. He also had some 30 year old woman with him. (He is 24.)

This was AFTER I had spent 4 hours waiting for him -- 4 hours of leave that I could have held onto. Then he said that his flight left at 7:30 the next morning.

I was flabbergasted because I was being roped into driviing him to BWI (an hour away) so that he would be at the airport by 5:30-6:00. This meant that I had to be on the road at 4:30!

The sad part about all this is that when I got to my office on the original day he was supposed to leave, I looked up his flight....and it had left ontime.....and had arrived at its destination on time.

Did he think I was THAT stupid?

That evening I came home and blasted him. He got into his yelling mode....and I told him to shut up. I said that he was now an adult....and why did he feel it necessary to lie to me? "I didn't want you to yell at me for missing the flight!" he responded.

Still a kid.

It is all about him.

I told him that yes, I was angry that he felt he had to spin a yarn as he had in high school...when we are all adults. He's a marine for friggin sakes. He made me burn through leave that I am hoarding because I don't know what's going to happen with my parents.

He also lost the parking sticker that I gave him for the car he was driving during the time he was here. That's a $50 loss!

He always is wacky like this when he spends a lot of time with his mother and her family....and they put him down....

Like they all did this trip.

It angers me.

Frustrations of Being the Father to an Impulsive Son

My Marine Sargeant son is still a handful...even at 24. I am told by those who know about such things that boys are fully mature emotionally and mentally at about the age of 25. I certainly can't wait for that to happen. I've been awaiting this moment for many, many years now.

Our relationship has always ebbed and flowed. We adopted him in 1991 when he was five years old. He already had faced a lifetime of trauma and rejection by then, including something that manifested itself as psychosocial dwarfism. This is what happens when a child misses all of the milestones in early development because of psychological trauma. Because of these issues, the growth shuts down and the child becomes stunted physically.

In our case, we got him in the nick of time. And at that moment.....on the growth charts, he went through a spurt. He virtually caught up over the course of his first year.

Emotionally it has been an uphill battle. Sometimes are good....sometimes are bad. When I came out to him at the age of 16 or so, it was bad. VERY bad....and that was thanks to Lovey -- the victim. She always knew what was best about my issue. But it has exacted a toll....a heavy one that I hope he can outgrow!

So, when he comes for a visit, I never know what to expect. Except that if he has a lot of dealings with Lovey and/or her family, he really behaves erratically.

Sorry to say, this trip has been Lovey-centered....and I am forced to face the fallout. He has spent an inordinate time with his friends here...staying out at all hours....and not communicating what is happening. Last night, I was disappointed that he would not be spending the last few hours in town were not with me. But, I knew this would happen.

He wants me to drive him to BWI Airport this morning to catch is 12:15 flight, but it will probably end up badly. He will probably have one of his friends drive him....and I will have taken time off for nothing.

But I'm doing what I feel dads must do.....you make sure you're available.

Just in case.

Second Banana Syndrome

I have a case of the blues this morning. It's not helping for this to be such a gloomy and rainy looking day.

Not sure where all this came from.

It's probably from the fact that I had another one of those "Frank" moments on Monday. I spent time with a good friend who lives about 100 miles from me. He's going through a divorce. He's quite younger than me. Then he told me all about his hookups...and how he just can't get enough.

I could relate...

It's called "gay adolescence."

He's going through the exciting period of coming out and discovering himself...and the world of male sex.

He has also met "the love of his life."

That's all he talked about.

His "love" was at work....is 29...about 14 years younger. He kept texting him back and forth. "Wonder if he is thinking of me..." he said incessantly.

Ah...new love.

It's exhillarating.....it makes your heart beat faster.....It's wondrous....

It has been a very long time since Frank has felt this way with someone who felt that way back and it is all catching up with me.

Monday night I met up with a "crush". He wanted to have dinner with me before he left on vacation for Florida. He's the guy that kissed me at gay pride...full on the mouth....in front of his wife....told me that he wanted to spend more time with me.....blah...blah.

We met for dinner...with his wife! She wants to get to know me better. He's making plans for me to see his new house upon their return on August 1. But we go through many periods of non communicating.....he reads my FACEBOOK page....he knows the distance between my house and his new one.....he likes my pictures.....they asked me tons of questions....etc.

But I am beginning to feel that "second banana syndrome." I feel like the perpetual best friend....always the bridesmaid never a bride.

What am I doing wrong?

What a Weekend!

Well, the weekend is all over. It was filled with quite a lot of stuff... I had all three kids at home with me.. On Saturday morning they did their long lost tradition of waking me up on Saturday morning and climbing into my quee sized bed. There we planned the rest of the day....and simply had a blast.

The girls cooked a splendid breakfast. They actually spoiled the old guy here. Then we all loaded up and headed to shop at Target. Lovey joined us...and I kept a respectful distance, but y'all will be pleased to know that I was very kind and pleasant to her.

From there we headed home for a brief nap...and then headed out to where the birthday celebration was to be. It was interesting to be a part of this family gathering and to watch the drama unfold. Lovey and her sisters staid true-to-form by being in control of everything and driving folks crazy in the process. One of Lovey's sisters is viewed as simply crazy. She drinks...pops pills....and wrecks cars. On top of this, her husband (who I suspect is part of my family), has supposedly hit her on occasion out of frustration.

This is the gossip...

But I'm not sure of the truth.

Drunk sister purchased her mother an Apple NANO....and a SONY boombox for it to play in. The only problem is that Grandma has no computer or an ITunes account to manage the content. So all this fancy stuff is just a waste...and Grandma didn't need or want it. Drunk sister overruled her family and bought it for her anyway.

This is keeping with the fine O'Lovey tradition of when buy presents for people....do get what they want....but always get what you want them to have. I always hated that.

Sunday morning we all went to Grandma's church....and it was stressful for me. It was filled with all those church people I have posted about. The ones that view me as one step below a dung beetles feast. But they honored Lovey...and the fact that she was blessing them with her presence.

We then spent some of the afternoon at Grandma's...and then I had to take one of my daughters to Baltimore to catch her flight back home to Nashville.

It was amazing at all the comments and digs that I heard while sitting as a guest. I'm sure it all troubles Grandma...but what can we do? It's clear that there is serious dysfunction in the family....but as I have said...I always try to put the FUN in dysFUNctional living!

Fabulous Friday

So here I am sitting at my desk at the office. It has been quite hard to get me motivated to do anything today. I'm suffering from the want of going home....and starting my weekend...and what a wonderful weekend it is going to be.

Tomorrow is Mom O'lovey's birthday celebration. She is going to be celebrating her big 80! She contacted me a number of weeks ago and said that no matter what I was doing, she wanted me there to be with her on her big day! Since she and I have forged a wonderful friendship through the years, and the fact that she does feel like my mom in some respects, how can I refuse.

All my children will be present...as will all of Lovey's illustrious sisters and their husbands save one.

So, since I appear to be dwelling in my happy place these days....it is going to be interesting for me to be with all of them....and allowing all of them to see the inner peace and contentment I have. I can use this celebration as a time of reflecting and silently giving thanks for the blessings I have been permitted to have in my life: my kids....all the temporal things I have.....I survived the divorce and landed somewhat on my feet.......and I have tons of friends....plus I have these men friends who appear to be gaining some momentum in my life as relationship potential.

On top of all this...it will be interesting to observe the interactions between all of the O'Lovey's...with each other and with me. Another sign that I am cruising in brand new good territory is the fact that while there have been times where I've been afraid that the gay thing will become a topic of conversation at one of these family gathering, this time I feel that if they have they nerve to ask or bring it up...then I have the nerve to tell and discuss!

This is a big change for me!

I kind of don't care anymore.

I'm gay.

All the main people that I care about all know and the world did not stop revolving. Western Civilization did not end as we know it. God is still on his throne. The sun still rises and sets.

And I'm here.

All these last few lines of text are of huge importance.....and it has taken over five years to get to this place.

WOW! THIS IS BIG NEWS!

The Adventure Continues

Church folks -- you just have to love 'em.

Y'all know that my church life has been very important to me. It always has really and because Lovey was a minister, well, it kind of catapulted me into a totally different realm of "churchiness."

Right now I am enjoying my church life. I am a member of a wonderful church that accepts me for who I am. I don't have to worry about hiding my gayness from anyone. I am not sucked into anyone's game of who is more spiritual than whom. I am just me...and allowed to find my own way to God.

Well, if you are a long time reader here, you also know that during that dark period of my life when I was trying so desperately to regain my footing after the separation and during the divorce, Lovey pretty much trashed me at the large United Methodist Church we were both part of at the time she made her decision to leave me. We all know that it was bad enough on me that she chose to divorce me after so long....but the thing that almost did me in was that she almost gleefully outted me to everyone who would listen -- couching it in a way to make it seem that she was somehow the victim....and just learned of it....and that I had made her life hell....blah....blah....blah... The only problem with any of that is that she had known for 24 of our 25 years....and that I had not made her life hell. In fact, if I were to review things, it was quite the opposite.

But all this is old stuff...not worth rehashing here. (If you're curious...you can go back and re-read some of those sad....forlorn......awful entries I wrote at the time which are still available for reading.)

What is worth writing now about is the fact that my daughter and I ran into two folks from that church last evening at the grocery store. Now, I have seen these two folks out and about in the neighborhood where I live on many occasions. I have always been pleasant and friendly.

Some background:

They are a married couple. She was also on staff at one time at our church. Her husband is some big muckity muck in the church...and I never really paid much attention to them. I respected them for their many contributions, but wasn't too close to them. Our paths just didn't cross very often. The church is humongous.

However, when the long term pastor departed several years ago and the new pastor arrived, they didn't get off on the right foot with him. He didn't do things the same way as the previous man had done them. He also didn't permit them to have the unbridled power they had too. He curtailed a few little things and they got mad.....sowed some discord along the way....and in a dramatic fit....left the church. I thought it was silly....and the respect I had for them began to dwindle.

Somehow, Lovey got very close to them....surprise surprise! Additionally, whenever they see one of my children, they fawn over them...and become syrupy sweet. It is all quite sickening to be quite honest.

But I try to keep a sweet spirit about me....am always pleasant to them.

They have gotten fairly established on Facebook. They are friends with Lovey and all the kids. So I decided to "friend" them just for fun....to see if they would respond. I've done this three times...and they always ignore my requests! In fact, I was at her graduation from Seminary by chance and took some pictures of her (she posed for them.) Through Facebook I have tried to get an address to send them electronically, but there is never a response.

So last night when I saw them from afar in the grocery store, I detoured around them so that I wouldn't have to deal with them. I wasn't in the mood. But I heard that familiar and syrupy....."Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......How are youuuuuuuuuuu......" as she zeroed in on my daughter.

ICK!

The longer I thought about it, the more I thought how silly it was for me to ignore them.

So I marched right up to them!

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......hellooooooooooooooo.......Frankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"...in that sweet and syrupy tone. I could have thrown up.

I smiled and greeted them both. They both came up and actually hugged me too! I fully expected Rod Serling to come from the peanut butter aisle. This truly was the Twilight Zone.

Following all the sickeningly sweet and phony pleasantries, I said, "Oh...I still have your graduation pictures.....you've never responded to my queries."

"Oh....I guess I am burnt out from all THAAAAATTTTTT...." she said. "I have totally blocked thaaaaaattttt from my memoryyyyyyyyy. I don't want themmmmmmmmmmmmm."

THWAAACK....

Okay, I thought. This means I can save some hard disc space.

They then focused all their attention on my daughter. I stood by politely...as they continued their conversation all in sweetness and light. But, shortly I had had enough. I had some other items to pick up.

I smiled and said, "Well, I need to pick up some other items. See ya!"


"OHHHHHHHHHHHHH......it was soooooooooooooo nice seeeing youuuuuuuuuuuuu." She said. "Keeeeeeeeeepppppppp in touchhhhhhhh."

When hell freezes over I thought.

I waved....and then left my daughter in their presence.

Phonieness really gets to me.

Something's Changing in Frank

Just can't quite figure it all out, but something indeed is changing in me.

I went to my monthly Bible Study last night on the campus of Virginia Theological Seminary. It was a small group -- attendance at these types of events tend to fall off during the summer -- but it was still good to be with the men that were there. It added to the intimate atmosphere of the evening.

At one point, I was asked to provide some information about how I have been doing. It's the part of the evening labeled as "check in."

So I spoke briefly about things that have happened. My concerns about mom and dad and the fact that my dad's weaknesses and his fainting have yet to be explained. I spoke of my mother's remission being over and the looming battle that lies before us.

I spoke of how, since I was child -- an only one at that, how fearful I have been about the loss of my parents. As a child, it was a fear of being left an orphan. It's funny that here I am at the age of 52, I still have that fear. But the critical difference is that I have felt God nudge me several times to say that when that day ultimately happens, He will help to ultimately carry me through it. All I have to do is to lean on Him.

He has also gently reminded me that he has provided me with a network of good friends and three wonderful children.

I have also stopped being so fixated on having a special man in my life. God knows that I want someone. But I have grown tired of looking at every gay man as a potential lover. I get tired of the rejection...or the silence.

So I have begun to rest on the knowledge that God knows the desires of my heart....and it will come to pass.

In the midst of my parents' health problems.....and all my fears.....something has changed. I am beginning to feel a different sort of self-confidence brewing deep within me. Many good looking guys appear to be paying attention to me and seeking to spend some time with me. I have shared meals with them. They have hugged me goodnight. Still others have said they have spent a lot of time thinking about me and how they want to get together with me.

One man in particular who I thought didn't give a fig about me....called up out of the blue to say he missed me and wants me to meet him for lunch.

The self-confidence I am feeling....and the waning fear of my parents' mortality have changed my attitude. It is showing profusely.

It's even showing in this blog. Do you see any changes in me?

We went through quite a dead time when no one was reading. It was showing that no one was visiting.

But....yesterday was its busiest day. Readership is way up.

I am very encouraged all around and expecting great things.

Whoah Cowboy...!

I am afraid of doing something really stupid, like using a bazooka to kill a fly, when all that was needed is a fly swatter!

Oh, don't mind me. I always get this way and second guess my feelings and my approach to things when it comes to dealing with Lovey.

I heard from my military son yesterday. Lovey is funding his trip from Texas to here so that he can participate in his grandmother's 80th Birthday celebration this Saturday. Of course, this is her mother's birthday we're talking about....and this is another of those family gatherings that will be the source of much entertainment for days and weeks ahead. It always happens. Love and her sisters are into appearance and control. Grandma is too. So, imagine when the five of them are working to create the perfect social event of the century.

I think you get the picture.

My son was not interested in coming to this event in the first place. But Lovey is making him come. As a condition of her paying his way, he is flying into her area and spending two glorious nights with her. Then he is driving up here with her. He HAS to attend the birthday bash and he also HAS to attend church Sunday Morning with his mom, Grandma, and assorted others.

Poor guy. I know him....and this is going to be sheer torture.

Well, the spot where I am tempted at going nuclear is based on an email I received from Lovey this morning. Here's what it said:

"Frank - do you have room for the man to stay a couple of nights? I'm sure he will probably spend a few nights with his friends. I told him that I expected him at the party and at church on Sunday morning, July 18 (would you like to join us for church that morning also?)

Also, he will need a ride to BWI Airport on Thursday, July 22 for a 12:15 pm flight back to Texas. Are you able to help or help him make arrangements for this? (I realize you may not have the time to do this since you have your parents to care for more these days - could you perhaps help him out by getting him hooked up with the shuttle? I have to return home on Tuesday. I hope this is a good trip for him and not any inconvenience for you.

I'm glad you're coming to Mom's party. We will have an opportunity to get photos of our three and of each of us with them (and a couple of the five of us if you would like). Please bring your camera!

I need to get some sleep. Getting his plane ticked worked out so that it fit his schedule and my "budget" took a couple of hours, but I think he's glad to be coming.

I hope you are doing well.

Lovey"

Of course I will take care of my son as I always have! My daughter from Nashville is also going to be "home". So, this will be the first time in 5 years that I will have all my children under my roof at one time!! It is quite exciting for me.

Based on previous contact with Lovey I have seen innocent emails like this contain sub-text...and hidden meanings. It angers me. Given my track record with my kids over the past 26 years, why is it necessary to ask if a child of mine can stay at my place. Then, putting stipulations on his visit....well...I'm kind of frosted. The girls and I are not going to be at church on Sunday....we're headed to Six Flags in Maryland for the day! But now my poor son is locked into church.

I'm sure he loves that.

So based on these issues...and a lot of past history....my inclination is to explode....which will send her back to her therapist.....she would cry....and be the victim.

But, don't worry friends. I am going to soar above my feelings. I'm gonna be nice. I'm gonna enjoy my family....take tons of pictures of my 3 kids together...
Have a home cooked breakfast on Saturday morning at my table.

It just doesn't get much better than this!

Thoughts On Being Gay and Married

Frank was a busy boy this weekend. I had two dates: two honest to goodness dates with two separate and "available" men.

Friday night was a date with a very nice and gentle man that is two years younger than me. He works in the IT profession, has always been gay (no apologies), been involved with a few relationships and now he is looking for that special someone with that special spark.

Saturday night was a date with a very nice and attractive doctor who is in his late 50s. He is currently married and has been for over 30 years. The wife knows and is supportive of his finding that elusive closed loop relationship.

As I spent time with the good doctor, it was fascinating to me to hear how his past relationships with men have worked and how his wife has reacted to them.

It wasn't that long ago that I was married and looking for the same thing he is looking for with the blessing of my wife. After the divorce a number of straights told me how disingenious(?) that was and that I was wanting to "have my cake and eat it too!"

I used to hate hearing that said to me. I never felt there was any cake. It was just a way for me to survive. I wasn't out to intentionally deceive my wife....or set out to lie to her about who I was. It was just a tortured path of trying to gain insight and understanding into who I was.

The doctor and I had a long discussion. It seems like she has total control of him. If the man in her husband's life does not act or behave like she thinks he should, then he is aggressive and she isn't happy.

He had a three year releationship with such a man. His wife did not get along with the doctor's boyfriend or the boyfriend's wife because they didn't go along with some of her seemingly goofy ideas. She wanted details of her husband's and his boyfriend's romantic life. The boyfriend told her it was none of her business. The boyfriend kissed the doctor in front of her. She didn't like that and had something to say about it. The list goes on and on and on. I asked the doctor if he was affectionate with his wife in front of the boyfriend. He says no.

Why does it seem that marriage with a woman is about control?

For all the relationships he has had with men, I doubt if he has truly bee "IN LOVE" with one totally. I think he is too afraid to explore that. Oh he hurled the love word a lot in his discussion, but I just feel it wasn't the kind of love I am looking for.

While I had a reasonably good time with the doctor, his wife's control/involvement bothers me. It seems that if her husband becomes deeply involved with a man, she feels she has to keep everyone informed that SHE is the primary relationship with her man.

I've never met the woman....and at this point, I don't think that I do.

I am seeing this from a totally new perspective. I think my preference are for single gay men....whether divorced or single/never married.

I want someone that I can focus on without interference or bossiness......just as I can offer someone the same.

How much more complex can all this get?

A Glimmer

After I posted that last entry, I received an email message from the man in question. He apologized for his lack of communication. Apparently he has been dealing with the fallout from his family crisis. He wanted to assure me that I am his friend forever and that was special to him. He even said that he valued my honesty and friendship very much. He asked about my parents' medical condition.

Needless to say I do have a glimmer of hope that something may happen here. So, will keep the door definitely open.

Mom says that Dad has been doing much better. I'm not sure exactly what to attribute this to. But we will know more once the doctor contacts them to give the the results of the bloodwork and the MRI.

Still on the roller coaster...

Rejection

Ah...here we come again. A very familiar topic to those of you in Out of the Ashes land!

A gay middle aged man (GMAM#1) meets another gay middle aged man (GMAM#2). They appear to make a substantive connection. They schedule a time to meet again. After all, GMAM#2 says, he can't wait until the next time.

GMAM#1 receives a phone message the next day from GMAM#2. GMAM#2 has a family drama playing out and must attend to it. He is profusely sorry. Says that usually he is not filled with such drama. GMAM#1 texts him to say it's okay...another time. GMAM#2 asks if it is okay for him to call. GMAM#1 says sure.

GMAM#2 calls. Talks for a long while. "Can I call later?" he asks. "Sure" says GMAM#1. They hang up.

Late that night, GMAM#1 texts GMAM#2 to see if he is alright following the drama and receives a terse couple of texts in return, but yes he is okay.

From then on...silence.

I think you get the picture.

In situations like this, one has to ask himself, "What did I do wrong this time?"

This is such a routine event in my life, I have to laugh.

So what happened? I suspect that the other guy became afraid of new feelings.

This is not uncommon.

But to just suddenly go silent?

What happened to manners.

The Waiting Game

It’s Friday and this is my first day back in the office. It’s been quite a ride for these past few days…and yesterday I was in no mood to return. I did not sleep well in my own bed on my first night back. My mind was racing as I thought about my dad and how much he has lost ground since I last saw him in February.

It’s upsetting to see someone so full of life, shuffling…stoop-shouldered….nearly lifeless and gasping for air.

I’m still bothered by it all.

AND…in the back of my mind, I am remembering mother’s last series of chemotherapy. She was wiped out….but Dad was there for her. This time, if she goes through the same dose of chemo, Dad just is not able to care for her as he had been the last time. So, what am I gonna do?

Do I retire, sell my house, and move in with them?

Mom says, “It will all work out.”

But I am a planner. I need to have plan A, B & C ready with a host of contingencies if these all fail.

But I don’t….

Not in this case.

Yesterday Dad had a battery of blood work. They did the scan of his head to see if there is evidence of Cancer in his brain. Gosh I pray not.

So, today I am on pins and needles playing the waiting game.

I need to focus on my job now.

Gay & Stressed in Huntington, West Virginia

That picture is of my hometown, Huntington, West Virginia! I spent the last week there and it was quite a week. If you are the fan of Jamie Oliver, the Naked Chef, then you are already familiar with this city. It was designated as the least healthy city in the U.S. not long ago, and he produced a reality show there to encourage a change in the city's eating habits....especially among its children.

The city is also home to Marshall University. It's football team was wiped out in 1970 in a horrific airplane crash that was told in a recent motion picture, "WE ARE MARSHALL."

I was there because Mom recently had some scans to see how she is doing and to confirm that the lung cancer she has been in remission from is in remission. Well two weeks ago, we found out that it appears to have returned. As Mom learned this news, Dad collapsed and was rushed to the emergency room. They originally thought he was suffering a seizure...or a stroke....or even possibly a heart attack. After several hours and numerous tests, thankfully it was found to be a case of dehydration.

Last Friday a week ago, mom went in for a biopsy of her lung to determine what kind of cancer it was they had discovered. In the process they punctured her lung. It collapsed and she was hospitalized for a couple of days. Dad, who has been kind of rattled by all of his cancer treatments was left alone...and I scrambled to get someone there for him.....because no one bothered to tell me until long after the fact.

Last Monday, their beloved boxer, Charlie, was put down because of his cancer. He had tumors growing in his throat, ears, rectum and left rear leg. The cancer on his rear leg ruptured causing quite a mess. He was in bad shape and he was put down. This put mom and dad both in a grand funk.

Also on Monday, dad began his cyberknife treatment, which is a concentrated dose of radiation on the spot on his lung that was the most troublesome. We won't know until a couple of weeks from now if it was effective or not.

I spent the entire week with them last week....and only returned to my home in VA today. But, that was up in the air because, yesterday Dad fainted for no reason 3 times. One of those times he fell down the front stairs of their house and landed on the concrete sidewalk at the bottom. He was totally disoriented and couldn't remembered what happened.

Mother fears the cancer has gone to his brain. We called the doctor this morning who has ordered a battery of blood work for tomorrow. (Dad refused to go to the emergency room.) He also has an MRI scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully by the end of the day, we should know something more definitive.

So, I feel like the drama never ends.

On a more positive note, I investigated gay life in Huntington, WV a bit more. While there, I did not feel like the fish out of water I normally feel like. It seems that there is a sizeable community there....the majority of which are heavily closeted. Still it's a comfort to know that there are places I can go to just mingle with like minded souls. I even found a gay affirming church....with a gay pastor....and they have annual fundraisers at one of the three gay bars in town.

Imagine that.

I also found out that I have got to learn to relax my guard more....when I'm around other single gay men. At one of the bars, (and I am NOT a bar person), in walked a beautiful man that took my breath away. He came and sat right by me and began chatting with me. Over the course of the evening I learned quite a bit about him. He's an only child....former navy man....has three kids...is 6'3" tall and is just a hunk.

We went to dinner....and chatted a number of times.....and he was interested in doing more than just sharing a meal. But when I talked to him more closely, he was very adament that he was not looking for a relationship. AH....but in spite of that...I could detect that he had a very special quality that would not take much for me to totally fall for him. TOTALLY. He kept telling me what a "hot" man I was. (This coming from a first rate stud.....5 years younger than me. WHEW!) or did I know how really "hot" I was?

It showed me that I do have the potential to fall.....very HARD.....if I can just let myself go....and not be so afraid of getting hurt or rejected in the process.

I also made friends with other men...and women..... They want me to feel welcome to come by the church or the bars anytime I am in town. They made it clear that I am one of them.

Speak of affirmation and belonging...this was certainly a good experience...and helped rejuvenate me during the time of uncertainty surrounding my parents.

Finally, as I headed home, I decided to stop for dinner at a nice restuarant in Staunton, VA. While there, I happened to run into a younger guy that I know. He's gay and has just broken up with his bf. He bent my ear while I ate dinner. He then introduced me to others at the restaurant that he works with....and then he introduced me to other patrons who are "family."

I am exhausted from all this....but I am feeling better and better about myself as a gay man. I'm just working to build up a good support system of friends and others when I need them as I journey this path with my parents.

God, make me strong.

Stuff's Happening

It has been an awful weekend.

First, mom had her lung biopsy on Friday. When I had not heard anything from her by early evening, I tried calling her. Finally, I reached my dad who announced she was in the hospital because of her lung collapsing. I started talking to him and he was very disoriented....almost childlike.

This is my dad we're talking about....and he couldn't tell me where mom was....her room number or telephone number. He could not find the piece of paper with that critical information.

I remained calm. After I hung up, I began calling folks that I knew. A lot of them were not home. Finally I caught up with myt cousin who lives about a half-hour east of my parents. She said that she would zip to the hospital on Saturday morning first thing. Then I called my daughter in Nashville...and she said she would drive up there. BLESS HER!

i was booked solid for this weekend with a long scheduled photo shoot. I couldn't go anywhere. I made it through those responsibilities in a daze....and then I had to work today at the office. I plan to leave for WV on Wednesday morning--EARLY.

On top of all this....mom and dad's beloved dog had to be put down today. He was suffering from cancer.

Right now it seems like everything and everyone in my life is battling this horrid disease.

I feel like the walls of my life are closing in on me.

Some Really Unsettling News

It is so odd, but in my little life it seems that whenever I think things are beginning to even out and finally I am able to focus on making some serious decisions about my life, WHAM...something else happens and it consumes a lot of my energy.

This time on Saturday morning I learned that my mom's cancer has returned. Then almost as an afterthought, she told me that my dad collapsed in the doctor's office just as she was going to see her doctor at his office. At first they thought he was suffering from a stroke or heart attack. After spending several hours in the waiting room, they determined that dad was suffering from dehydration. This is not a good thing for a man who is 77.

It really bothers me big time to see my parents age. I am also concerned by their poor health and to see what smoking has done to them. Two older people who should really be enjoying life have now been robbed of the good things because of their incessant smoking....that they have done over 60 years. It irks me. It makes me very angry.

Even now they continue to smoke....like chimneys. The smoke only keeps their lungs in a state of irritation which stimulates the cancer development.

I told mom that she and dad needed to think about moving in here with me. They are very defensive about that. They fear their independence will be lost.

And I understand.

But it wouldn't. They would still have their car.....and be able to shop and do whatever they wanted to do. The only catch is that I would be in the vicinity and be able to watch over them and to take care of them.

So who knows how all this is going to work out. Mother says that we should not begin to worry about things until we get the results back of the needle bipsy that is scheduled for Friday. The results should be back by next week.

It's a waiting game.

On a different topic....

June 20 came and went with barely a thought by me. For those of you who don't remember, June 20, 2006 was the date I feared with all my heart. It was the date that Lovey moved out of our house. I remember feeling devestated. It all seems so silly now.

But that is how I felt then.

My world was ending.

But in all actuality, my life was actually just beginning.

Here I sit....still here....and relatively happy.....except for the concerns for my folks. Life is pretty good.

I just need to remain positive and thinking about and counting all of the blessings I have experienced.

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

The Visitors

My daughter has been playing hostess to three Peace Corps volunteers this week. It has been so interesting to have the chatter and all the laughter flooding my house in the middle of the night.

Last night when I came in, exhausted from a very long day, I was greatly disturbed to find that my guest toilet was clogged. I have never seen a toilet so clogged.

I spent a lot of time snaking....and plunging......and using a wire coat hanger. All to no avail.

So, because of all the guests, I called the plumber.

After three and a half hours and $300, all systems are moving and the water is once again flowing freely.

The plumber, a bear of a young man, was very entertaining. He stayed at my house just alking for 3.5 hours. (It only took him about 20 minutes to remove the clog, which turned out to be a wad of papertowels.....six of them to be exact.

We learned all about how he became a plumber.....how plumbing works......how hot water tanks works......water treatment plants work.....etc.

It turns out that he is 34 years old, married, and has a 3 year old daughter and a 7 year old son plus two English Mastifs.

I really did enjoy him.

He was so personable....and kind....with a real gentleness. But I noticed that when he talked to me....there was "that" look. The one that pierces your very soul and drives deep into the bone. I watched as he talked with Jessica. He wasn't that way with her. Oh my goodness.

It turns out that he not only works for a firm that I found in the Yellow Pages, but he also does private contacting on the side. I told him about some other problems that we have, and he is willing to help us out....on a Friday or a Saturday when not working for the other firm.

So, he would certainly be a great person to get to know. Who knows, perhaps he may be family?

Time will tell.

After all we are everywhere!

God knows...

I'm tired. I have a broken small toe on my right foot. The foot is totally swollen...and the toe is the right color.....the ones next to it have now inherited the bruising. So, being a diabetic, I am watching this very carefully to make sure there are no big problems that could develop.

This afternoon after work was a good one. I got to spend good quality time with a kind and loving friend who helped me to feel like I mattered. I really needed that today.

You know who you are...

It offered some comfort....and a sense of completeness that I needed. He knew it...and he knew just what to do.

My love life is still kind of in limbo. I've met a number of gentlemen who are potential bfs.... They are all so busy. It makes me feel kind of odd in that these men are so wrapped up with their lives....and their friends....that, in one's words, "I don't have time for romance."

Frustrating at best.

At Pride on Sunday, I met up with someone that I have just gotten to know during the past few months. His situation is that he has been married for a very long time. His wife knows and is supportive. In fact she went to the PRIDE festival with him. So, it was my first time to meet her. The man sets my heart aflutter....and it scares me a bit. I don't know how to read his signals. So, I'm not sure what to think. At Pride he apologized for not spending more time with me....he has had some physical limitations due to surgery earlier this week on a bum knee. But he had to leave....because he was tired. When I hugged him goodbye....he kissed me in front of his wife!

That, coupled with some other comments, has led me to wonder if he is feeling something. He has explained that his wife is wanting him to find someone and to "be happy."

So who knows? I go through very long periods of time where I don't hear from him....and then I get signals like this.

Old Frank is learning to be content in his life...and with himself. It is a very slow process. I feel the pressure a bit because of the fact that I am not getting any younger. God knows I'd like to have someone that I can have some quality time with before I get so old and decrepit that I can't enjoy him.

But, the comforting thing to me is that yes, God knows!

Birthdays

My twin daughters turned 26 today. They are now the exact same age that I was when they came into my life.

It is truly mind-boggling. It's as if I have turned around and the time is gone. My life has changed completely...and will never, ever be the same.

I have had a very busy day. I'm exhausted.... We had a lowkey celebration for my eldest daughter here with her grandma and great aunt. Her sister celebrated with 25 of her closest friends down in Nashville.

I am now exhausted....

When I get this way, I get a little down. I think it is more physical than emotional. But still, when I feel this way....I begin pondering my life....and a twinge of loneliness sets in. It's hard to describe. But it is there...nonetheless.

It's a rainy night here in DC...and I'm ready for bed.

Just wish I had someone to hold and be held by.

A Funny Story From Pride

My VERY hetero friend Greg is a photographer. He's teaching me about various techniques for taking lots of good pictures. He's helped me a lot.

Well, I told him a few weeks ago about PRIDE and I asked him if he would like to go too...and shoot some pictures. He thought about it and agreed to go.

So we went both to the parade....and the festival today. He's such a good sport....and he is certainly a straight ally.

But for all his open mindedness....there are some things that happened today that cracked me up.

First, as we walked down Pennsylvania Avenue enjoying the sunshine and the people....we approached the RADICAL FAERIES booth. This is a group of gay men who celebrate their gayness in unique ways....mostly whimsical. They dress in fairy like costumes with wands and such. As we approached the booth....three of them came out with golden colored penis shaped wands.

Of course they went to Greg. He, after all, is the buff, former military mahn that is all business....and is all macho. The rotund member of the RFs approached him with his wand and said, "Would you like for me to bless your crotch?"

I thought Greg was gonna drop his 35mm digital camera.... He caught his breath....and offered a slight smile and said, "I don't think so!"

I roared.

Later on in the day, he and I got separated ....and he got marooned in a tent with gay men during a brief thundershower. When he and I caught up with one another near the end of the day, he said, "Frank, I got you something!"

I said, "Oh you did? What is it?"

He threw a t-shirt at me....it's a nice t-shirt by the way...BUT...

Emblazoned across the chest it read: "ASK AND TELL....MANHUNT.COM"

I looked at him and said, "I suppose your wife or kids wouldn't understand that would they?"

He looked at me rather deadpannish and said...."I don't think so!"

We both laughed....and he thanked me for introducing him to my world.

What a great friend to have!

Thoughts on Pride....

Today was the big GAY PRIDE festival in DC. That's out country artist Chely Right to the left. Yeah, that's an original picture that I took! Guess you could say that I'm improving my technique.

Last night was the big PRIDE PARADE.

I went to both and let me tell you...I had a BALL!

I look at it as a celebration of the man that God made me to be. I get to see the community in all its diversity. I also observe that I'm not the only one like me...and there is tremendous affirmation in knowing that.

One thing that touched me was a group of teenagers who marched by in last night's parade. There they were....laughing and proud of the fact that they knew who they are...and are not ashamed. AND...they have their whole lives ahead of them.

Today I mingled with all the good folks in my denomination. We had a booth and handed out fliers and stickers and all kinds of "stuff". I got to meet a lot of the ministers in my area that I did not know. It just felt great.

One older gentleman who had been partnered over 50 years when his partner died from cancer a few years ago....was handing out church stuff to all the folks who came by....and he told me that this was his first PRIDE!

Today during all the celebrating....an older couple went to the RAINBOW STAGE. One of the men helped his partner lovingly with his walker. There they stood, a bit stoop shouldered, but they told their story to all those assebled. They met each other 30 years ago today. Do you know what they did in front of all of us? They had a pastor there and they married each other! They were over joyed. Not a dry eye was left in those who witnessed it.

Near the conclusion of the pride celebration today and just before headliner, Chely Wright took the stage, the host invited them to the main stage on Pennsylvania Avenue. There in front of the hundreds or so people present, under a brilliant blue sky, with the white Capitol Building gleaming behind them, they were presented publicly for the first time as a MARRIED couple. The crowd erupted into cheers.

Oh there were the extremists present too.....the ones running around in leather jock straps......or in speedos that barely covered the important parts. Their were the drag queens....and the muscle gods..... But there were regular guys like me.....and older guys like the ones I mentioned......and we were there to celebrate our lives.

I keep hoping to one day have a partner.... One that I can walk down Pennsylvania Avenue on Pride day and hold his hand....or kiss him in front of the main stage...or just sit and listen and hold him close.

One day I'm gonna have all that!

And it's gonna be something!

Happy Pride Everyone!

Remembering June 9, 2005

It's June 9.

Five years ago today (June 9, 2005), my hell began. It was a long dark night...and I remembering being in such pain I could hardly move one foot in front of me. The pain was to the bone. For the first time I felt vulnerable, alone...and rejected...totallly.

Early on in this blog (and all those entries are still available for reading), I dwelled on the negative. I couldn't see any good. All I felt was rejection. I was not used to rejection. My wife had rejected me. My then boyfriend (the married one) also backed off because he said that "he loved me enough to let me go, since he wasn't prepared to leave his wife for me -- and I needed someone full time." So in the span of a few short months, I left my wife...and the man I thought would be my life partner.

All my church friends, (the ones at the church that Lovey and I had been members of), evaporated. Lovey then began outting me to everyone who would listen. I felt naked....abused.....wronged.

I wanted to hide....and never emerge from it.

All her family was told about my gayness...

The only folks who stuck by me were two men from the church.....my kids....and my parents.

I remember waking up one morning and realizing that I had no friends, no community of faith to help me through it. My pastor even turned his back on me. While he was on sabbatical at the Pentagon, his interim minister turned her back.

This separation and divorce wrecked me...or so I thought.

I wanted to die.

My life as I knew it died.

The only outlet I had was here.

And I wrote.....and I wrote.....and I wrote.

It became therapy for me and has remained so.

Thank God for all that.

So, let's think about this now for a few moments. I was married for 25.5 years. I had all the trappings that a straight marriage brings you: the house, the cars, the wife, the kids, the great job, the church, and friends.

Many gay married men are so afraid to come out of the the closet....to friends...to their wives....understandably so. I've been there and know what that's like. But I came out to Love in 1982. Thus began a 15 year quest to change. Due to my spiritual upbringing, I was prayed over....I had demons cast out of me....I joined a 12-step program called Homosexual's Anonymous...(since then it has become a 14-step program). I repressed....I pretended.....I flung myself into church work. But, you cannot change the core person you are.

In 1997 I was exhausted and planning to kill myself. I had it all figured out. The world would be such a better place without me. But then, I sought help from a gay-affirming church (the one I now am a member of), and then I began my journey to acceptance.

Yes, in 2005 I began my journey through hell. I separated. I divorced.

Here in 2010, I am a single gay man. (Hopefully I will meet the man of my dreams soon.) I still have the house and put my on particular stamp of ownership to it. I no longer have to go through Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the 12 disciples, both Houses of Congress, and the President to do something -- I just do it now. I have the cars (newer and better), no wife (thank God), the kids love me fiercely, the great job,a new and more healthy and affirming church, and a ton of new friends!

Not too shabby is it?

So, dear friends. If you are struggling with the gay thing....and you find yourself miserable, suicidal and depressed. Don't hurt yourself. But start looking around at your life to see what you can do to make it better. Sometimes the things that we think are the hardest, turn out to open the floodgates of peace.

Come out....be who God created you to be. Who cares what folks think?

You need to be healthy....and enjoying the blessings of living....and of your sexuality.

Y'All Are Back!!

I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised to see interest in my blog dwindling to NOTHING over the last few months since I haven't been writing anything. As I said earlier, I decided to take a few months off because I felt like I had nothing to say and I did not want this to be a whinefest. It kind of felt like thats all I was doing: wallowing and whining about my sorry lot in life.

I'm now trying to turn this blog around to discuss more relavant issues facing single, mature gay men. After all, I have survived separation, divorce, alienation from the ex, and now I am trying to negotiate life on brand new terms....and trying to become more comfortable in gay dating and related social situations.

Since I never had real dating experiences with women other than my ex-wife, this gay male dating thing is totally foreign to me. I have had many fits and starts -- mostly fits. The one "relationship" I had last year ended badly...and resulted in the breakup of a good friendship because the "boyfriend" (really I don't even know that it was that). Let's start over. The much younger man I was dating wound up with my ex-best friend...who knew that it was ending long before I did...and knew that he was the object of the young man's affections...but did not tell me.

So, my track record has not been the greatest when it comes to matters of the heart. Since that tragic episode (and now looking back...I realize I should never have begun dating that young man to begin with...), I have had numerous "crushes" that have gone absolutely nowhere.

So when this man caught my eye....and I apparently caught his....well....it took my breath away...and I have been afraid to get my hopes up. So...y'all who are reading...will see what happens along with me.

I am so glad to see that by my numbers...y'all are back.....and that you are following the little notes I write.

Thanks for your support....

You are loved!

OMG....Frank Just Might Have Someone....!!!

I suppose I am eating crow now. At least I should be.

The man that came into my life unexpectedly...did follow through this evening -- not for dinner, but for a diet coke and a chocolate shake at a nearby McDonalds. We chatted for over two hours....and at the end when we had solved all the world's problems and he had told me all about himself.....he asked, "Well, have I scared you totally away?" When I said "No!", he smiled very broadly and responded "Good...you're a nice guy."

In the course of saying good night....he gave me two bear hugs and two pecks on the lips and said that we are going to get together sometime next week. He wants to do a full-fledged dinner out....and earlier in the evening this round!

This weekend is Pride in DC...and he thinks that we might meet up...and watch the parade...and have dinner together then too!

So, there is a God in heaven.....and he apparently knows my name!

WOW!

I am guardedly optimistic!

Are All Gay Men Flaky?

Well, here am I...burned again. I swear, I am beginning to wonder where all the good men are.

The guy that I met last week....that seemed like good bf material apparently has flaked out like all the others. Yup. He contacted me and said that he wanted to go to dinner tomorrow night or Thursday night. Thursday night is booked for me....and so I told him that Monday night was best. I asked him what he wanted to do foodwise.

As of this evening....Sunday evening....silence. So, I assume that we are not going to have dinner.

He now joins the club of two other possible men....and those two both say that they are too busy for romance.

I am a very busy man too. But I always have time for friends....or time for possible romance. I seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

So, in the meantime, I went to the Gay Men's Chorus Pride concert this afternoon on the campus of George Washington University in Washington, DC. It was excellent and uplifting. The eye candy was overwhelming. One man in particular I just could not take my eyes off. WHEW.

It is so frustrating not to be able to have someone in my life. I am so tired of whining about it too. But it's there. It's painfully lonely. But, there is nothing I can do. I put myself out there where the gay guys are.....and those that express an interest are TOO busy.

I purposely play low key....and not appear desperate. Still, I am a 52yo single man.....and the primary market in the gay world appears to be buff 20 something.

I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle this.

Quiet Saturday

Today has been rather quiet, which is just the way I like my Saturdays to be. My daughter, Jessica, is off to an office picnic/party about 45 miles south of here. Tonight we are going to a cookout amongst friends out west of here.

Summer has officially begun.

It's time for good fun....friends and food.

My office is keeping me quite busy. I had planned to take next week off and spend it with my folks in WV, but everything is happening at the office....and I can't leave...not now.

I am feeling somewhat tired. I did not sleep well last night.

There's a new man in my life. We met this week and he has emailed me a couple of times about having dinner on Monday evening.

Stay tuned.