Oil Leak

Ok everyone, we have all heard about that awful oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico that is threatening sea life throughout that area and beyond. It's a perfect illustration of how I have been feeling lately.

These past two months that I have taken off from this blog have given me plenty of time to reflect. You long time readers of this blog know the trauma and difficulty I experienced during the early days of my separation and then the awful divorce. At times, I literally felt like I was losing my mind. At the time I was accused of wallowing in self-pity...some readers suggested I simply "get over it!"

But, this was my life that I felt was crumbling. I felt wronged.

Many women wrote to say how offended they were with me because I could not see poor Lovey's (the ex wife) awful lot in this mess.

I got into tussles...and I went on the defense....and I got additional hurts.

But the good news of all this is it has been 5 years post separation and almost 3 years post final divorce decree and I'm okay.

Well, sort of.

Sometimes I feel like I am the Gulf of Mexico.....and the relationship I had with Lovey....and all that debris I have worked so hard to come away from is that awful oil spill. You see, occasionally a belch of blackness surfaces on my calm sea of moving on. It coats my entire being with blackness....and bitterness.....and profound sadness.

I then work hard to disperse it all. And then, after a while it's gone...until the next time.

I'm not sure what brought this latest belch of blackness to my surface. Perhaps it's the fact that the anniversary of the divorce is in a couple of days....or maybe it was because Lovey once again has inserted herself into my life this week.

I have so much I want and need to say to her. But I'm afraid if I do, it is really going to be nuclear. I have been holding on to so much....I am ready to blow sky high with it all in one massive explosion.

After much thought....it's not the fact that she divorced me that's the problem. I understand she exercised her right to do so. But several issues remain that have engendered deep bitterness, anger and hostility toward her.

1. We were married for 25.5 years. She knew of my struggles for 24.5 years. I tried my hardest to be the kind of husband I thought she needed. She was never happy. In looking back over that significant period of time, I can honestly say now, I never felt she loved me. I look around at married folk I know. I see the love in their eyes and their actions. Sadly, I never experienced it. What an indictment of my life!

2. She said repeatedly that the gay thing was not what did our marriage in. I must say that I agree. Finances were not good because I spent much money trying to keep us out of the red. She spent and spent and spent. I used credit cards to cover those expenditures. Not once did she accept any responsibility of this. But placed the blame with me.

3. Although she admitted that the gay thing was not the reason for our divorce, she set about hurting me in any way she could. She was vindictive. When questioned by our many friends at her church and they would say, "Why, Lovey, are you dumping Frank? He has been so good to you and is so supportive of everything you have ever wanted to do? Why now? After all this time?" Thinking anything else would make her look bad, she went on a rampage of outting me...and saying that I had made her life hell. Well, this gave her tons of sympathy....but a few didn't just let her explanation end there. They pressed and asked, "How long have you known?" When she responded by saying over 24 years...they just kind of looked at her...and withdrew completely from her.

4. As she neared her quest for ordination, she enlisted my help to videotape her serving communion at her churches. I spent two weekends with her doing just that. I edited the file and created DVDs for her to send with her paper work for ordination. Overall, I had spent well over 25 years supporting her quest for respect as a minister......and seeing that she had all the necessary stuff to be ordained.

In the end, I wound up being persona non grata at the ordination ceremony, and that hurt.

Bad.

5. I was accused wrongly of all kinds of apparent wrongs and never allowed to defend myself.

So.

It's not the divorce that has had me reeling for these years -- it's all the stuff she did in order to make herself look good and to save face during the divorce that hurt. The accusations that weren't true. The outright lies that were told. The picture that was painted of me that made it appear that I was a sinister gay man....wanting to live a lie.....wanting to have my cake and eat it too....duping Lovey into marrying me.......making her life hell.

Get the picture?

That image of me is not the Frank I am at all -- hence the anger....the bitterness....the hostility.

I am working to cap this oil leak of black, belching "stuff"...but like BP and the Gulf of Mexico, it's not an easy job.

Wednesday Night

Last night was a bit busy for me. Last winter I had attended a gay men's retreat in Northern Virginia. There were 15 of us who met at a church not far from my house. We talked about all aspects of Gay Spirituality including church, religion, and sex. My spirits were certainly buoyed by the fact that I had made new friends and attended to my spiritual needs.

This particular retreat was the first of its kind. The facillitator has done a good job at keeping the group together and we meet every month to share a meal and to catch up with one another. It certainly builds community and friendships.

Earlier this month, the facillitator hosted the second retreat. Again, he had about 15 attendees. They all had the same experience as the rest of us. Last night we (the first group) hosted a potluck dinner for the new group. We all got to share and to get to know one another. It really was quite neat.

One man told the story of how he had been married for 38 years, when his wife passed away about a year or so ago. He now feels free to finally experience life as what he was meant to be. He is deep in his closet...but cautiously exploring life.

Another man shared how his divorce after 20 years left him with a warm relationship with his ex-wife.....and how he had met his partner who was also going through a divorce...a bad one. Between the two men, they have three children and live in a house in DC.

So the entire evening was spent sharing each of our stories.

Several of us who have FACEBOOK accounts encouraged the other to contact us and become our friends. One of my new friends (the man with the blended family) friended me today...and I was shocked to find out that I know his partner. AND...on top of that.....his partner is not someone that I respect or like.

Guess that means that I will be keeping my mouth shut...and just watching how all this unfolds. He isn't a high caliber person. He kind of has the personality of a gnat. And he has the reputation of being somewhat "loose."

I can understand why that divorce was bad. As I recall, he was a jerk to his wife.

So, I sit and ponder the same old question. How do people like that wind up with partners?

Clearly I don't understand all this. I may have standards that are unattainable and this may be my problem. WHEW!

I'm Back After a Long Break!

It has been about two months since my last post. I apologize. I have gone through a somewhat dry period in my writing and I just needed a break.

My lack of writing new material has taken its toll on this blog as the number of visitors has plummeted. So, rather than erase my 4 year labor of love, I felt a nudge to begin writing here again.

I have entertained thoughts of writing a new blog from an entirely different perspective, but I just can't get away from the thought of rising "Out of the Ashes."

So, here I am.

My parents have been through the mill with their cancer. Each has lung cancer. Mom is in full remission and has been so for a year and a half. Dad was diagnosed in November...and it looks like he is going to be on chemo as a maintenance regimen for the rest of his life. In a couple of weeks, he will be undergoing cyber knife surgery to remove a tumor that has shrunk drastically since November.

I have so very much to be thankful for.

Meanwhile, my daughter Jessica has started a new job in Washington DC for the federal government. As you may remember, she returned from her Peace Corps duty in El Salvador almost a year ago. It has taken her that long to get this job. She is very thrilled.

On my front...yes, I am still gay. I continue to reach out and make new friends. And, I keep my eyes open for candidates as partners. In the meantime, I've met some people who at first blush seemed like the answers to my prayers. But, warning flags were raised when they started going down the bondage path.....or the erotic bowel movement path....etc.

I think you get the idea.

I don't know why it seems so hard in the gay world to find a regular guy for companionship....and for love -- plain and simple. The kind of love where you can grow old together and just experience the joys of day-to-day living. I have often fantasized about meeting someone where I can just sit and hold his hand in quiet moments. My favorite scenario is when I can be curled up on the couch with him and rest my head in his lap while we each read the Saturday or Sunday paper. Or plan trips to the beach...or just doing something fun. I would love for him to love my kids as his own.

I look around me and see people of every size and persuasions who have a special person in their lives and I suffer from private longing. I look at well known gay people who have just come out....and they already have partners! Chely Wright.....Ray Boltz......Jennifer Knapp all come to mind.

It makes me feel like screaming...."What in the world is wrong with me?"

But I plunge myself into my work.....or my church work.....or just the business of living. I put myself into groups of gay men all the time. I look around me and wonder....what it takes to find and to fall in love.

Oh....then there are the unspoken crushes. I see some guys that would be perfect boyfriend material. But I am just waaaaaaay tooooooooo shy to pursue it. I always wonder why I have to be the initiator.

So, I'm in a rut. I know this.

But I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I am trying to be satisfied with me. I am trying to like myself. I'm trying to enjoy my company and to keep busy. This goes a long way to combat the loneliness that sometimes threatens to sink me.

'nuff said for now.

Spring Is Finally Here

It has been a very long and cold winter. I thought I was going to die during all those back-to-back snowstorms. I am just glad it is all over.

I am determined to enjoy the longer day light hours and the warmer temperatures.

And you know something? I want to have a lot of fun and enjoyment this summer. No drama. No sadness. No worry.

Mother is doing fine. She is still in remission...and is determined to work on her strength and stamina by walking more and more with her new hip.... I am amazed by her steady recovery from the massive stroke at Christmas. She is virtually healed...and is doing GREAT! I am so thankful.

Dad has his final chemo treatment this week. It appears that he will now be in remission. So all we have to do with him is to have his weight to pick back up...and get his stamina going as well.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

You may be wondering how I'm doing.

I think I am doing pretty well. I can hardly believe that it has been nearly five years since Lovey dropped the bomb that changed my life. We are at the three year mark almost since the divorce was final.

These years since have been times of great discovery for me. I learned to rely on me...solely. I've worked at getting to know me better. I've also worked at being a better dad....and a better person in general.

Those of you who read me faithfully will remember that there was a time when I felt that I had no friends. In essence this is the case. I woke up one morning and realized I had been stripped of all the marital friendships I had......I lost all the church friends I had when Lovey outted me as the "husband from hell"... So I had to just reach out all over again and learn to make new friends.

God has blessed these efforts. I mean, I have heard from a number of you through this blog. Personally I have expanded my network of frendships....such that I have just approved my 424th friend on my FACEBOOK page.

Life is just good...

The Sunset of Life

Today something out of the ordinary happened: I was thinking about a man that was the first man to ever utter those three words, "I Love You", to me when I was at my lowest back in the summer from hell -- 1997. I can't remember if I wrote about that period of time or not, but it was a traumatic year for me.

I had been corresponding with him for about six months and we had chatted on the telephone a lot. He lived in Austin, TX....and of course I was here in Washington, DC. It so happened that I was asked to go to Houston, TX on business... When I told him that I was doing that, he dropped everything and drove the 2.5 hours to meet me. We spent a blissful day there and he showed me around.

Although he and I had entertained the thoughts of becoming a couple, he wound up dumping me for Jesus...and telling me that God told him that I would damn his soul to hell....if he kept messing with me. Did not really know my own strength at the time!

I was devestated....and over time we lost touch.

Well, today I ran across some old email from him. I had a bright idea to begin searching FACEBOOK for him and his family. I found entries for his three kids and his wife...but nothing for him. I finally used the information I had located on his family in Facebook to do a greater search on GOOGLE...only to find that he dies in October of last year from an aggressive form of cancer.

I was directed to his obituary...and to some blogs that included pictures of him.

He had certainly changed much in the past 13 years....and the cancer had taken its tool. But that was him.....and I could see the man I knew, staring out from those pictures.

It only reinforces the feeling that those around us are here for only a short time. Then they can be gone in an instant. He was only 52 at his death....with beautiful adult children and a wonderful wife.

So here I sit....getting ready to leave my office for the day -- thinking of this precious man... In my own way grieving for him....for his family.

I am glad we crossed paths.

Life continues....

Valentine's Day and Good News

The snowstorms that have blitzed my region have kept me quite busy. I have been snowed inside with my eldest daughter -- unable to do much of anything, other than watch television and convert my vinyl record collection to digital files. I am slated to return to the office this Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it.

Since returning from my last sojourn to WV, I have been forced to face my parents mortality and my own. I have wondered how I am going to deal with their increasing needs...and their lessening willingness to cooperate. To be honest, I am at my wit's end.

But within the past two weeks I have gotten somewhat of a reprieve from everything. Mother has recovered significantly from her massive stroke on Christmas Day. She has been cleared to drive a car by her doctor, but she must first get certified by the local hospital. She is planning to do that shortly. At the moment, she does appear to have a little short term memory loss...but nothing major. Everything is returning gradually.

She is one fortunate little lady.

Since December and her stroke, I have been concerned about the results of her December CT scan which revealed two new spots on her lung. When I went back there in early February we had a PET scan which would reveal new cancer growth. To be honest, I was horrified at the possible results. Well, several days ago, I got to speak with mom's oncologist directly, who said that those "new" spots were actually scar tissue left over from her cancer battle of over a year ago. They did a full body scan which revealed that mother has no new cancer in her body. She is in remission.

WONDERFUL

So she is recovered well from the stroke....and is cancer free at the moment. WHEW!

Dad had a battery of tests on his cancer...and the results of his last PET scan show that his cancer is responding favorably to his chemo...which appears milder than what mother went through. He has not had any of the negativity...the loss of hair...etc. He's even gaining weight now.

So that is good news.

My Valentine's presents!

Still...in the back of my mind, I have that old familiar longing....of wanting someone to love...and to be loved by.

No new candidates on the horizon...just the same familiar crushes I've had for several years now. These men that I long for will occasionally send a nugget of attention my way...and I eat it up...hopeful that it will somehow work out.

Today, such a man spent a considerable amount of time talking with me. He assures me that we are going to "get together" when his schedule permits. Gosh I hope so.

The soap opera of my life continues...

Finally Back to Virginia

Well, mother and dad were well enough for me to travel home this week. I got home on Saturday afternoon. I have so much to do here this week, but due to all the medical appointments and such both parents have next week, I have to go back this coming Sunday. This time, however, I am going to take the AMTRAK train. It's only $50 each way...and it will give me time to catch up on ME and to get myself syched for giving care to both parents.

Although it is good being home, I am finding that I am unable to sleep. It's like I can't let things go and just rest. It also has not helped that each morning, I have awakened to the sound of a jangling telephone that turned out to be those god-foresaken telephone solicitors. DANG!

I went to church on Sunday morning. It was so good to connect with my friends and to feel their loving concern. They told me how much I was missed...and it made me feel good.

Speaking of friends, I had a male friend come to see me on Saturday evening....another one on Sunday evening, and tonight a host of church friends are having me over for pizza and cards. I am so blessed.

So, dear readers, keep me in your prayers.

This whole thing with my parents has only exacerbated my feelings of aloneness.

Time For Some Good News (For now)

Mom came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon about 1pm. She immediately sat down to her computer and began playing with FACEBOOK and also typing emails with both hands pretty fast. By watching, you would never know the woman had suffered a stroke just a couple of weeks ago! She continues to improve. Hopefully the coming week will be nothing but improvements.

Dad continues to be a bit rattled. Dealing with him is frustrating for me because he is so very child like. I have been here for two weeks, and I am a bit frightened at the prospect of leaving them alone. But they assure me that they can take care of themselves this week.

I am going to be leaving tomorrow...to work this week. However, next week I need to return so that I can shuttle them to their host of medical appointments and dad's chemotherapy. I find that all this is quite stressful....and worrisome.

The home care nurses are going to be dropping by several times this week...plus the physical therapists will also be checking in on her. All my nearby relatives are also going to be popping in and calling them. They will all be keeping in touch with me.

The other thing I am worried about is the fact that mom has two new spots on one of her lungs. A scan must be scheduled so that we know what is going on. However, we're awaiting word from the insurance company to bless this approach.

I am working diligently to remain "happy."

Jeepers...

A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a man who said that he was looking for an old-fashioned monogamous relationship. We seemed to really hit it off very well. I thought that maybe things would develop between us...and truly had potential. We traded telephone numbers and email addresses. He is a music minister at his church.

When I did not hear from him by now while I am in WV, I sent him an email asking him what was happening. Finally this response:

"Sorry -- I've been busy and had a funeral today. You're a wonderful, fascinating, intelligent, multifaceted, attractive man. I'm not sure what you're really looking for. I got the impression you need more than one man. I'm not casting judgment by any means because I certainly do my share of free playing. I'm hoping for an old fashioned monogamous type of relationship and I don't know how that could work. Of course there are never any simple cut and dry solutions to any worthwhile goal. I also felt like if I had sex with you now, it would be like an audtion. LOL!

I was hoping for something built on attraction of mind and spirit if it were to become long term. I know -- I'm complicated, please don't think of me as an asshole. If you want, call me and we'll talk. All good wishes."

So, I wrote him back:

"Not sure where the impression of me needing multiple men came from. Especially when we discussed monoagmy and all. Sex for me is not an audition by any means. So even though I feel misunderstood since I am looking for the same thing, it is okay.

So life goes on...

Best,

Frank"

THWAAAAACK...it sort of feels like I've been hit up the side of the head by a 2X4.

I keep replaying our nice dinner and extended conversation to see what it was that I did wrong. Or what on earth I said or did that made him think that I needed more than one man! Still can't figure it out...

So roadblock 4,251! My one glimmer of a relationship just evaporated!

There has got to be a guy for me....somewhere.

Oh well, mom had her scan this morning. As of this writing, we have not heard about the results yet or given any indication as to when she can come home.

Today is my dad's 77th birthday and he is exhausted.

We all are!

It Just Keeps On...

I have had an interesting few months. I've done some public speaking at church where I was overcome with a lot of emotion on Christmas Eve. I talked about my life as a gay man in a straight marriage and how thankful I am that I have come such a long distance.

I've made friends with a gay male couple who live about 50 miles northeast of Washington. They come to my church and I have really grown quite fond of them. They talked to me and encouraged me on one of my "bad" days where I felt so alone. Both of them were so affirming to me. They echoed what a lot of people who know me have done. That I will make quite a catch for someone....and that I should not feel broken. They say that I have a lot going for me.

So, I keep hoping that somewhere along the way, I will meet the one who will be "him." I'm not desperate. I refuse to come across that way. But I have to tell you, there are a number of guys in my sphere of influence that I could be happy with. None of them have an inkling.

And I just keep feeling like a big chicken...because I am not brave enough to lay my cards on the table -- even the ones who are single, available, in my age range, and attractive.

My feeling continues to be why do I have to be the one to always initiate things?

I keep hoping...

A Brand New Year ~ Blah!

Greetings to all of you. This is perhaps the longest I have gone without writing something. For this I apologize. But much has happened, so let me take a few moments to update all of you.

First, the day before Thanksgiving, my dad received word that he has lung cancer. So this started a battery of treatments and he has been doing very well in his chemo treatments. I was in WV with my parents for Thanksgiving and with my daughters. It was probably the bluest Thanksgiving I have had because of the uncertainty of dad's diagnosis. Nevertheless, we seemed to survive.

As Christmas approached, I decided to have a very lowkey Christmas...and not do anything -- just stay home....count my blessings and plan to go back to WV after the beginning the year to help with dad's treatments. Coupled with all this, the weather was dangerous around Christmas with icestorms forecasted for the Shenandoah Valley and I-81 corridor on Christmas Day.

Well, to add more drama to my life, I received a telephone call from my daughter who had chosen to spend Christmas with my parents. She said that my mother was acting "funny"...and when I head more, I thought she was either having a manifestation of cancer in the brain or having a stroke. My daughter was able to get mom to the hospital in time. The diagnosis was a massive stroke. Thankfully, she got the help she needed and was home within three days with minimal longterm damage.

I went to WV last week to spend time with my parents and to help them get to their medical appointments, but last Thursday, mom was sent back to the hospital because of a high white blood cell count and the fact that she had an unknown mass in her lower abdomen. They were very afraid of cancer. (They said she has two new spots on her lung...but we will deal with this after her current hospitalization.)

So, as of this writing, mom is still in the hospital. I'm still in WV...and my daughter that lives with me is here also. It has been very frightening for me, an only child.

And my life continues....

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Sorry that it has been so long since I last posted anything here. My life continues to be filled with all kinds of drama. So here is a very brief update.

My daughter has returned to El Salvador to close up shop. She has been there almost two full weeks and will return on Wednesday. My son has been visiting with me since last Monday and returns to Texas tomorrow evening. My other daughter in Nashville has been very busy and got to sing the National Anthem at a Coast Guard graduation ceremony in Georgia this weekend. She nailed it, from what I hear. This is so awesome. I am so very proud of her.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my mother, who is in remission from bone and lung cancer, is suffering tremendous back pain and has not told her doctors about this...or has even told me. I heard about this from my daughter in Nashville. My mom is putting this off until her next full body scan in early December.

My dad was found to have a spot on his lung....and had it biopsied last week. We hope to find out what is going on there sometime this week. Hopefully it will turn out to be something very minor.

I have just recovered from my seasonal bout of Asthma.... I'm now able to breathe fully again. On top of this, I am on pins and needles worrying about my parents.

So, inside I feel like a wreck. But I keep smiling.

Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode from all the negativity I feel. I need some miracles in my life....

Hey God, are you listening?

Greetings All! I am Back!

Sorry it has been such a long time coming, but I have been one busy boy these last few weeks. My eldest daughter went off to The Hague, Netherlands to spend the month with her Aunt that has just moved there from Colorado. She returns tomorrow...and is thrilled beyond words to be returning to home. She has not had a super time with the Aunt, who happens to be Lovey's oldest sister. Lovey is the oldest, and this aunt is next to her in age. She means well, but comes across as selfish and grating at times. I have often quipped that she moonlighted as a part time test pilot in a broom factory to the chagrin of Lovey.

I digress.

So while the little girl has been gone, Old Dad has spent some time to himself....and actually doing some photography. One of my friends even volunteered to be my first male nude model. Don't worry, it's not those kinds of pictures. It's the kind that I have been working on and longing to do. These are actually artistic nudes. So, with his permission, I am running one here to get your feedback. He really is quite a nice guy....former military....and is struggling with his sexuality.

I have served as a friend/mentor -- nothing more. We share a passion for photography....and he really has taught me a lot and he says the same thing for me. We plan to experiment more with lighting and take some more nudes with professional lighting. So, I will see how these all turn out.

Additionally I have been dating. But then, the men I have dated all are fixated on those guys who are younger and buffer than I....so my virture remains intact.

There is, however, one man that has caught my eye....and captured my heart in the process. He has sent me some mixed messages....and I have sent him some more direct ones. But, I am not sure just where this will all lead -- if anywhere. My friends who I have discussed this all with say that I need to just lay my cards onto the table and see what his reaction is. I suppose I don't have anything to lose...and everything to gain. After all, love/attraction, etc. is a crap shoot and life is very short. Why waste time playing cat and mouse?

Right?

I just find myself feeling these incredibly strong desires to just hold him. I told one of my friends that this is not about lust...or sexual desire. Gosh, I would be happy just being able to put my arm around him and give him a squeeze....or to just hold his hand...or to just cuddle.

We will see....

Please keep your fingers crossed.

I've also included a couple of other shots of that basically sums up the theme of fall coming to Northern Virginia. Enjoy!

Bummer!

I have finally arrived home following a very full day at the office and then having to rush off to a board of directors meeting for my homeowners association. I am the secretary -- a position I have held since 1995.

Perhaps it is me being tired -- overly so. But I'm a bit blue tonight.

Jim did not call or email me today.

And I have observed some of the people in my sphere who have partnered up. I'm feeling very much like the fifth wheel. I look at them and I wonder what is wrong with me. I would love to have someone in my life...but it ain't happening.

So I don't know.

It ain't good feeling this way.

Frank's Adventures Continue!

I suppose I'm getting bolder with letting people know how I feel. I'm also being braver about striking conversations with complete strangers.

Tonight I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store across the street from my house. Almost immediately this bautiful young man pulls up alongside me in a bright shiny new BMW. He had to be in his mid-twenties. But when he stopped, his passenger window was down, and he looked over. He did that eye lock thing.

I did too!

So I watched him out of the corner of my eye. So, I played a little game with myself. My goal? Get him to talk to me!

If it was convenient.

Well, as luck would have it, he was waiting in the self-checkout line as I approached. I decided to fall in line behind him. I got a full look at him.... He looked like a god. He was totally built....humongous muscles....GOSH.

His iPod was firmly planted in his pocket with his earphones plugged into his ears. So, I got up really close to him...and whispered in his ear. "What kinda car is that you're driving? Man, that thing is sharp!"

He looked up at me and grinned really big...."It's a BMW....(something or other....I was just tickled that I got to hear his voice)...."

"How long have you had it?" I asked.

"About two years."

"Great looking car I said."

We then went to our respective spots....and it happened that I was able to check out before him. So I was quite aways from him...and he followed me up the aisle to our cars.

"I wonder if he will say something..." I wondered.

I was loading my groceries in my back seat as he passed by.

"Have a great evening!" He said cheerily.

"I will," I answered. "You take care of that care and be safe."

"Oh I will."

And he was gone.

SCORE!

It doesn't take much to make the old gay guy happy!

********

On a more serious note. I was invited to a gay party last night that I decided at the last minute to go to. A number of my buddies was going to be there, and I decided to go. Just for the heck of it...and to further get buried in the gay social whirl.

The party was in a town considered part of the metro area of DC. Twenty-three gay men were there. A lot of guys I knew....but there were several I did not know.

So, I made my way around the room and shook hands with people. I did my best party animal impression by being outgoing and friendly and trying to be friendly. It is so very stressful because at heart I am quite shy.

But if it is one thing I have learned...it's that in order to survive as a single gay male, you have to get out there and show yourself friendly.

I was VERY busy last night mingling.

Just before dinner was served, the doorbell rang and another guest showed up.

My jaw nearly hit the floor. I felt an immediate connection. It wasn't lust....although he was quite attractive. But there was something about this man that clicked deeply inside me. It made me think....there is my partner. The one I have been looking for.

I had never felt that about anyone before.

Immediately though, the negative thoughts and feelings started. "Oh, he won't give you the time of day, Frank." "Give it up!" "He's out of your league fella."

Well, I watched him. And he sat right next to me. Everytime we spoke. He gave me the look and we locked eyes! So, in my heart of hearts, I decided, what do I have to lose? Let's see if there is anything to this that I have feeling deep inside me.

So during our conversation I gently pumped him for information. I found out that he works in finance...and I told him that I work for a bank regulator. He said that he had just broken up with an older man after they had been together for 7 months. The old guy was running around on him. I also learned that my new friend had a name. It's Jim. He's 39. He likes older men.

I said, "Jim, your partner was running around with younger guys when he had you at home?" He blushed and said, "Yes, he did. The real pathetic thing is that I begged him to not do it and come back home to me. But he won't."

Hmmmmmmm I thought.

He went on.

"Before that relationship, I have only been partnered one other time. My first one was a ten year relationship....and it ended because that guy was running around and doing drugs."

I just shook my head.

"Jim, you could have your pick of men."

He smiled again.

Gosh that beautiful smile could light up the entire metro area for a hundred years.

We chatted back and forth with the other guests...but I always made it a point to look at Jim...make that deep eye contact and smile.

As the evening wound down...and people were beginning to leave. Jim started telling everyone goodbye...and that he was getting ready to leave. In my mind, I could not just let him go without doing something.

I found a piece of paper and I carry a pen. I wrote down my cell phone number and my personal email address. I followed him to the front door and I said, "Jim, just a second. Please forgive me for being too forward, but I want you to have this."

I handed him the paper with my info on it.

"I have NEVER done this...and to be honest, it's taking a lot of guts for me to do this. But here's my telephone number and my email address. I would love to take you to dinner and get to know you better."

He smiled.

"I'll shoot you an email."

I said, "That would make my day if you would."

He smiled and pecked me on the cheek.

It was so very wonderful to meet this guy.

So far he has not called or written. And to be honest, he may not. But at least I have made the contact and not done what I have done so many times before....wait for the other person to make the first move.

Gosh, I hope he calls or writes. I feel so strongly about him, I don't know what to do!

I'm Gaining Confidence Y'all

Had a fun experience on Saturday Night I thought I would share.

However, let me say first that something has been evolving within me for the past few weeks. I have discussed it on some of the support groups online that I am a part of. We had discussed how to know if a man was gay...or how to communicate you're interested. It was decided that it was the look that you give the other man....or the look the other man gives you. I've been practicing my look....and have found that indeed it does seem to work. I used it at the nightclub on Saturday night. Here's my story:

A couple of my friends from church invited me to go to a nightclub that features male strippers. It is a relatively new club that features really hot men who get totally naked. They also do lap dances! Now, in all of my 51 years, I have never been to such a place... and have never received a lap dance. As I entered the club, I mustered up my confidence and courage. I made sure my posture was tall and straight. I walked in confidently and started looking around the place. The dancers were already on their pedestals and I began making unblinking eye contact with the bartenders and some of the strippers.

My friends and I found a nice couch and sat and watched this beautiful young man do his thing. He turned and looked at me and I gave hime the look and smiled. To my amazement, he smiled back broadly and came over to me and introduced himself. I shook his hand and he began dancing for me. I complimented him and soon he was on top of the couch with his body parts just a few inches from me. He then buried his face in the nape of neck and he whispered how good I smelled.

I tipped him and he was gone to others, but he kept looking over at me and winking.

Near the end of the evening I saw him dancing on the bar. I got up closer to watch, but out of the whole crowd of guys, he saw me. He grinned broadly at me and motioned for me to come closer. He then squatted down in front of me. I smiled and thanked him for making my first time there so special. He put a hand on both my shoulders. I looked into his beautiful eyes and said that of all the dancers I had watched during the evening, he was my favorite--hands down. He gave me that smile again, drew me closer, and thanked me. He also said it was easy to dance for me because of just how cute I was. He held me close then kissed my cheek!

I told him to stay safe and I floated into the crowd.

I then saw another couple of my friends in another part of the club. It has been a year since I saw them. They saw me and were glad to see me. One said, "Frank, I don't know what you have done to yourself, but damn you are looking hot tonight!"

I am amazed.

I realize that I was in a nightclub with dancers looking for tips. But that dancer was tremendously kind to me.

My friends were not looking for money, and they saw something different in me.

So something is happening and I am getting a tremendous kick out of it.

Perhaps I will meet someone special after all.

Fractured Toe

Well, yesterday I was running around trying to get all the stuff I needed for church. I ran into the corner of my clothes hamper which was at the foot of my bed. It hurt like hell. But I continued on. I rounded up all the stuff I needed. Got dressed and arrived at the church at 9:30 a.m. to prepare to do some video taping before everyone arrived so that I can make a host of promotional videos for the church's Web site.

It was a very long day. I did video footage of some of the proceedings. I also did some still photo work. I did not get home until late in the afternoon. As I was trying to get ready for a nap, (I had gone to a gay night club on Satuday night and stayed out until after 2am), my foot found the barbells my daughter had left in the middle of the floor of the rec room. The same toe was involved. When I arose from my nap, the toe in question was black and blue. It continued to hurt.

This morning I saw my internist....who was very concerned about the toe. She sent me to a radiologist. The radiologist hurt the toe further in trying to prepare it for xray.....my doctor saw the xray and made me go to the podiatrist immediately. The podiatrist determined that I had two fracture in that toe....I have it taped.....and wearing a special boot and am hobbling around the house. I am told to stay home from work tomorrow and keep my foot elevated.

Bummer.

The Intensity of Loneliness

I've spent some significant time the last little while with gay men who were, like me, once married to women, have children, and are now busily trying to find their way in a new situation as a somewhat out gay man.

They all said that they have had their moments of intense loneliness. "It's the kind of loneliness that cuts to the core of your very being," one said.

I have reflected on this comment for quite sometime since I heard its utterance.

It is very true.

I find myself going through periods of intense loneliness. It just isn't fun. It's not something that everyone can understand unless they, themselves, are going through it.

During my more lucid moments when things are alright....and I'm feeling good about myself, like right this moment as I am typing this, I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a full-time partner....or live in boyfriend. I think I would be open to date someone exclusively and have occasional sleepovers. But not the move-in type.

I am just not ready.

I have heard to many gay guys tell me that there is no way that two gay men can be monogamous to each other. They say that it is not good to lay the heterosexual paradigm of monogamy on top of the gay life. I have been told by so many people that this is not the norm in the gay world. Other men I have chatted with say, "Au contraire, it can happen."

So, as I have journeyed on this road to identifying potential boyfriends, I am somewhat afraid to commit to anyone. My motor just runs too hot....and I often wonder if I am good partner quality.

Tme will tell.

Perhaps I just think too much!

True Friends and Facebook

I really have had a grand time with Facebook. It has been an excellent way for me to reconnect with long lost relatives, schoolmates from long ago, and to make new connections with church friends, office friends, and others and even make new friends.

However, there is a darker side to Facebook. It has exposed my overly sensitive nature.

I can't help it, but this is just me. As I have become older, I have gotten thicker skinned. Still it can sting a bit when someone de-friends you: one day they are there, posting updates, and you're enjoying what they write. The next day: they're gone. They've disappeared not only from your friend list, but you realize they have blocked you from even searching for their profiles to keep you from maybe refriending them sometime in the future. (God forbid!)

One lady did this to me recently. She was a "friend" from another church I had once belonged to. I see her and her husband at the grocery store all the time. I always say hello to them. When I went to that church, I always had a warm and cordial relationship with them. Well, since she isn't here among my friends any more I am left to wonder. Gee, was it something I said? Was it my breath? Does this mean I no longer have to speak to her when I see her in the grocery store?

There are also those "friends" that I have chosen to drop. I generally am long-suffering and try to understand everyone's opinions and thoughts. But occasionally there are those who espouse certain things or say stuff that cross a line that I no longer can condone. It is then I jettison them from my Facebook Family.

Finally there are those "friends" I try to connect with here at Facebook only to have them ignore me! Not once, not twice, but three times. (It took me a while to "get it.") Some of these are school friends from long ago that I would really like to know how they have been. Still others are from that other church again. Church folks can be so fickle. In one case, I took pictures at a graduation ceremony featuring one of them...and so they seem disinterested in connecting with me. Oh well. Message received. LOUD and CLEAR.

So, as I ponder these social networking sites and the state of friendship...I don't like to let FACEBOOK be the gauge of true friendship. It just doesn't seem right. Still though, I wonder about the actions of those people here. But, there are my other friends. Those are the very special friends who aren't here...who don't want to be here....and have no plans to ever be here.

I like Facebook. To me, Facebook is just a fun thing to do to unwind at the end of a busy day and get to know people better. I will continue to have a good time with it and refuse to let a few twerps rain on my parade!

Today I read a great article about this very thing on WSJ.com. I thought I would run here. It just seems appropriate in light of my little epistle.

Read it and ponder:

How Facebook Ruins Friendships
AUGUST 25, 2009, 9:26 A.M. ET
By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN

Notice to my friends: I love you all dearly.

But I don't give a hoot that you are "having a busy Monday," your child "took 30 minutes to brush his teeth," your dog "just ate an ant trap" or you want to "save the piglets." And I really, really don't care which Addams Family member you most resemble. (I could have told you the answer before you took the quiz on Facebook.)

Here's where you and I went wrong: We took our friendship online. First we began communicating more by email than by phone. Then we switched to "instant messaging" or "texting." We "friended" each other on Facebook, and began communicating by "tweeting" our thoughts—in 140 characters or less—via Twitter. All this online social networking was supposed to make us closer. And in some ways it has.

Thanks to the Internet, many of us have gotten back in touch with friends from high school and college, shared old and new photos, and become better acquainted with some people we might never have grown close to offline. Last year, when a friend of mine was hit by a car and went into a coma, his friends and family were able to easily and instantly share news of his medical progress—and send well wishes and support—thanks to a Web page his mom created for him.

But there's a danger here, too. If we're not careful, our online interactions can hurt our real-life relationships. Like many people, I'm experiencing Facebook Fatigue. I'm tired of loved ones—you know who you are—who claim they are too busy to pick up the phone, or even write a decent email, yet spend hours on social-media sites, uploading photos of their children or parties, forwarding inane quizzes, posting quirky, sometimes nonsensical one-liners or tweeting their latest whereabouts. ("Anyone know a good restaurant in Berlin?")

One of the big problems is how we converse. Typing still leaves something to be desired as a communication tool; it lacks the nuances that can be expressed by body language and voice inflection. "Online, people can't see the yawn," says Patricia Wallace, a psychologist at Johns Hopkins University's Center for Talented Youth and author of "The Psychology of the Internet."

But let's face it, the problem is much greater than which tools we use to communicate. It's what we are actually saying that's really mucking up our relationships. "Oh my God, a college friend just updated her Facebook status to say that her 'teeth are itching for a flossing!'" shrieked a friend of mine recently. "That's gross. I don't want to hear about what's going on inside her mouth." That prompted me to check my own Facebook page, only to find that three of my pals—none of whom know each other—had the exact same status update: "Zzzzzzz." They promptly put me to "zzzzzzz."
This brings us to our first dilemma: Amidst all this heightened chatter, we're not saying much that's interesting, folks. Rather, we're breaking a cardinal rule of companionship: Thou Shalt Not Bore Thy Friends.

"It's called narcissism," says Matt Brown, a 36-year-old business-development manager for a chain of hair salons and spas in Seattle. He's particularly annoyed by a friend who works at an auto dealership who tweets every time he sells a car, a married couple who bicker on Facebook's public walls and another couple so "mooshy-gooshy" they sit in the same room of their house posting love messages to each other for all to see. "Why is your life so frickin' important and entertaining that we need to
know?" Mr. Brown says.

Gwen Jewett, for her part, is sick of meal status updates. "A few of my friends like to post several times a day about what they are eating: 'I just ate a Frito pie.' 'I am enjoying a double hot-fudge sundae at home tonight.' 'Just ate a whole pizza with sausage, peppers and double cheese,'" says the 49-year-old career coach in suburban Dallas. "My question is this: If we didn't call each other on the phone every time we ate before, why do we need the alerts now?"

For others, boredom isn't the biggest challenge of managing Internet relationships. Consider, for example, how people you know often seem different online—not just gussied up or more polished, but bolder, too, displaying sides of their personalities you have never seen before.

Alex Gilbert, 27, who works for a nonprofit in Houston that teaches creative writing to kids, is still puzzling over an old friend—"a particularly masculine-type dude"—who plays in a heavy-metal band and heads a motorcycle club yet posts videos on Facebook of "uber cute" kittens. "It's not fodder for your real-life conversation," Mr. Gilbert says. "We're not going to get together and talk about how cute kittens are."

James Hills discovered that a colleague is gay via Facebook, but he says that didn't bother him. It was after his friend joined groups that cater to hairy men, such as "Furball NYC," that he was left feeling awkward. "This is something I just didn't need to know," says Mr. Hills, who is 32 and president of a marketing firm in Elgin, Ill. "I'd feel the same way if it was a straight friend joining a leather-and-lace group."

And then there's jealousy. In all that information you're posting about your life—your vacation, your kids, your promotions at work, even that margarita you just drank—someone is bound to find something to envy. When it comes to relationships, such online revelations can make breaking up even harder to do.

"Facebook prolongs the period it takes to get over someone, because you have an open window into their life, whether youwant to or not," says Yianni Garcia of New York, a consultant who helps companies use social media. "You see their updates, their pictures and their relationship status."

Mr. Garcia, 24, felt the sting of Facebook jealousy personally last spring, after he split up with his boyfriend. For a few weeks, he continued to visit his ex's Facebook page, scrutinizing his new friends. Then one day he discovered that his former boyfriend had blocked him from accessing his profile.
Why? "He said he'd only 'unfriended' me to protect himself, because if someone flirted with me he would feel jealous," Mr.Garcia says.

Facebook can also be a mecca for passive-aggressive behavior. "Suddenly, things you wouldn't say out loud in conversation are OK to say because you're sitting behind a computer screen," says Kimberly Kaye, 26, an arts writer in New York. She was surprised when friends who had politely discussed health-care reform over dinner later grew much more antagonistic when they continued the argument online.

Just ask Heather White. She says her college roommate at the University of Georgia started an argument over text about who should clean their apartment. Ms. White, 22, who was home visiting her parents at the time, asked her friend to call her so they could discuss the issue. Her friend never did.

A few days later, Ms. White, who graduated in May, updated her Facebook status, commenting that her favorite country duo, Brooks & Dunn, just broke up. Almost immediately, her roommate responded, writing publicly on her wall: "Just like us."

The two women have barely spoken since then.

So what's the solution, short of "unfriending" or "unfollowing" everyone who annoys you? You can use the "hide" button on Facebook to stop getting your friends' status updates—they'll never know—or use TwitterSnooze, a Web site that allows you to temporarily suspend tweets from someone you follow. (Warning: They'll get a notice from Twitter when you begin reading their tweets again.)

But these are really just Band-Aid tactics. To improve our interactions, we need to change our conduct, not just cover it up.

First, watch your own behavior, asking yourself before you post anything: "Is this something I'd want someone to tell me?"

"Run it by that focus group of one," says Johns Hopkins's Dr. Wallace. And positively reward others, responding only when they write something interesting, ignoring them when they are boring or
obnoxious. (Commenting negatively will only start a very public war.)

If all that fails, you can always start a new group: "Get Facebook to Create an Eye-Roll Button Now!"

Pairing Off

I am still on my soapbox about finding a mate. Sometimes I think this whole thing is going to wind up getting the best of me. I don't want to be alone in the remaining time of my life. I want to have a happy and fulfilled life -- full of love....laughter....happiness...joy. You know, all that good stuff.

This week has really been a downer in terms of my feelings of loneliness....profound sadness....and downright gloom over all this. It sounds pretty silly to all of you out there in the ether of the Internet: this 50 something year old man....who has so much to be thankful for....is sitting and pining away for a relationship. AARGH!

One of the things that tend to make me smile in a warped way...is that one of the most romantic days of the year is Valentine's Day. Many is the day that I have gone into restaurants on that wonderful occasion and seen all the couples paired off. All the folks are of different sizes, shapes, ages, etc. In some cases, I've even shook my head to say, "Wow, how did they ever hook up?" I mean, even some of the ugliest men on the earth has a babe on their arm. Or a most unattractive woman will have a hunk on hers!

Day before yesterday, I was having lunch in our cafeteria. At the same time, where I work is offering free screenings for TAMIFLU. Everyone where I work and those people that live with them can get a free prescription for this drug and will receive the drug in case of an outbreak of an epidemic.

Some of my friends brought their wives...husbands....kids.... One man in particular, who I have always believed to be gay, brought his partner in. Now, I have to tell you, my friend is very attractive. He is well built, relatively young, many attractive qualities -- not to mention an excellent job.

Then I looked at his partner.

He is not what I would have expected.

He was older and the advancing years had not been too kind.

He had lots of facial wrinkles....and just did not give himself to the same robustness that my friend has.

So, as I sat there watching them together.....I couldn't help but wonder, why can't I find someone. What's wrong with me?

I shook my head...got up and returned to my office.

More Pondrances on an OLD Theme

Here I go again...

Please don't lecture me....and please don't accuse me of "whining"... I'm just processing thoughts as I write this. So bear with me...please?

If this isn't your "cup of tea," then by all means, navigate from this blog and go some place else for today.

I am exceedingly Lonely. Note the capital L.

Yup.

We're back at that theme again.

And, I'm not alone in this. I have tons of gay friends who are in my age range, who feel the same way. They find that the further they slip over the age of 50, in the gay world, it's practically curtains. You might as well find the pretty box and close the lid and get buried.

It's over.

Finito!

I have joined a number of dating sites. Most people just pass on by my profile. It gets traffic...but I never hear from anyone. When I look at the guys who have viewed my profile...some are really eye catching...so I complete an "Ice breaker"...only to have them appear like a neanderthal in their responses with one word grunts.

Some of the guys in my age are only interested in people 27 and a half to 32.4. Other guys are only interested in guys up to 45. Still others are only interested in those guys who are "built"...clearly I don't fall into that category. Or they want someone who is athletically inclined....clearly not me.

I have met some interesting and eligible men through mutual friends...but I freeze. I am so timid and shy. I know I must seem like a dork.

Other men that I have been out with seem way too picky for my tastes. They get all upset because a child cries in a public restaurant...blah...blah.

Then there are those who do express an interest. Like the guy who began stalking me....and telling me how he wanted to be so close to me that he wanted me to go everywhere with him. He wanted to be able to inhale my morning breath and other odors. The thing that took the cake was when he said that he wanted me to share erotic bowel movements with me...IN THE SHOWER -- "our logs of love mingling together."

I kid you not!

Then there are the men who are amputees....the ones in wheelchairs.....the ones who have been diagnosed as bi-polar, but are good about staying on their meds....the ones who weigh 500 pounds.....the ones who want to be referred to as Amanda.....

It's tough being gay.

It's tough being an average, run-of-the-mill, 50something, divorced, lonely, white, gay man.

At times, I want to burn my gay membership card.....ditch the decoder ring....forget the secret handshake....and go live on a mountaintop.

But here I am.

Still hoping to meet that one-in-a-million man. The one that is just a normal man. One with normal needs. Normal dreams. Normal wants.

Someone to grow old with. Someone to share my life with -- the ups and the downs -- the losses and the gains -- the good and the bad...

But honestly, I don't know if this is going to happen.

About 3 weeks ago I met a wonderful man at a party I was invited to. He and I have absolutely nothing in common. He's blue collar....I'm a government executive. He likes drinking with his buddies....I don't drink.

He doesn't go to church....I do and am quite active.

He also identifies as straight...I'm gay. And he keeps telling everyone how straight he is....including me. "I don't want you to get your hopes up," he keeps saying. Those of us who know him thinks he is dealing with this issue and is scared by it.

I saw him at a cookout the following week...and he followed me like a puppy dog. Wherever I sat...he moved to be near me. When I went to stand by the grill at the other end of the deck, he found a reason to come stand by me. When everyone else went inside to see something that the host had recently gotten, I decided to stay out on the deck. Guess who stayed with me? He did.

At the end of the evening. He gave me a very long bear hug.

The host told me that she had never seen him act that way with anyone. She asked me what we had in common..and I said..."Nothing...absolutely nothing." I went on. "But you know...opposites attract and he seems to be the type of person who has never been loved and cared for unconditionally. I could do that for him!"

And I could.

But, I'm not going to pursue this. It could be a trainwreck in disguise.

So I watch...and wait.

Surely there is a man....a good man.....looking for me.

A Good Evening

The last few days have been uneventful. I've gotten the opportunity to relax and spend some quiet time by myself. My daughter is visiting her mother down in the Tidewater area of Virginia. Church was good. We spent a lot of time Sunday afternoon and this evening running through practice of an original program put together by one of my fellow church members in honor of the 40th Anniversary of the Stonewall riots -- the riots that launched the gay rights movement.

I was able to also prepare my slideshow contributions for this production. I've been asked to do some readings.

We present this program on Saturday night. It appears to be a sellout

Some VERY Good News

Heard from my friend Lily today. Her scan yesterday revealed that the cancer has not spread....and so once the organ is removed, she will be in tip-top shape and should be able to come back to work within the next 2-3 weeks. YIPPEE. This is a tremendous answer to our prayers. Thank you friends for remembering her.

********

So far this weekend has been pretty good. I have spent some quality time with my daughter. I've spoken to my other daughter from Nashville who has made the journey to West Virginia to visit her grandparents. They were so pleasantly pleased that she joined them. I am glad she did this.

My son, on the other hand is in limbo. He had announced great plans to marry a woman from Georgia this week...but it looks like that this is off for now. I'm am very relieved about this. He needs to just chill and get to know her a little better before he goes off and marries her.

WHEW.

Other than this, I have had a basically uneventful week. It has been very busy. But thank goodness for weekends.

In other news, I have been dating.

Yup dating.

I am not sure where it will all lead....but at least I am putting myself out there to meet guys....and spend time with them. Please note that this does not mean that I have been getting them between the sheets.....as a matter of fact, I have not done that at all with any of my prospective beaus.

But I must say, it has been good to be in the presence of some very charming men.

I am taking my time....and getting to know them. Who knows? One of them could turn out to be my husband!

Stay tuned....and keep that happy energy flowing in my direction!

More later.

My Friend, Lily

One of my greatest friends in the whole wide world is a lady that works with me,that I will refer to as "Lily."

Lily has only worked in my office about a year and a half, but we became fast friends. We have lots of the same interests. She has young kids. I've been to her house several times...and the woman can cook like you would not believe.

She is a wonderful writer.....and avid photographer.....and just an overall sweet disposition.

This past Tuesday she was scheduled to return from her vacation. However, over the past few months she has complained with back problems. She had trouble standing and sitting. We found out Tuesday morning that she had been diagnosed with shingles.

Later on in the day, she found out that it was really worse, much worse. She has a rare form of cancer that is not treatable with chemo and radiation. She had a PT scan today...and from what I have heard...it wasn't a bad report. So they will remove the tumor and a major organ...and hopefully she will be cancer free.

Her surgery is set for this Monday. Please remember her in your thoughts and prayers.

A Disturbance

Sometimes I still feel like I'm stuck on that god-forbidden roller coaster known as my life.

Of late I have been feeling quite good about myself. I am slowing down...and trying to catch my breath... I try so hard to realize that I'm in charge now...and that I can do this.

But then there are times that I feel like a lost orphan. Where do I turn? What do I do?

Then, there are days like today where I just don't know anymore.

For the past little while I have felt like my old self. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm thankful for all the blessing God has given me.

But I experienced a disturbance of that tranquility this week....and it has upset my entire week.

I should know better.

My son announced earlier this week that he is getting married next week!

He's 23 and she's 21.

He's only known her for 6 months.

Here's how it's gonna work:

They're gonna get married at the courthouse in Georgia sometime next week. His wife-to-be says that family is not necessary...so they aren't telling any more details. They don't want her parent to know because it would stop some financial support they are giving to her.

She will continue to live in Georgia.

She is not changing her last name.

He will continue to live in Texas.

He will send her the extra money he gets from the military due to his change of marital status.

I asked him a day or so ago as to why he was rushing things so. I also suggested that she tell her parents sooner than later because if they are still listing his soon-to-be wife on their tax forms, they need to know.

That's when the yelling began.

It was awful.

He totally twisted my meaning.....and accused me of saying that he was impulsive and not knowing what he was doing.

The phone call ended very nastily. Within the hour I had an email from HER. This is the first communication I have had from HER.

I was not impressed.

She sounds like a gold digger....and the really troubling aspect of this is how she said that the reason she wanted only a few people to know about her and my son was that if it didn't work out, they could all have a big laugh and treat this all as one BIG joke!

Do you suppose she and Brittany Spears are cut from the same cloth?

I digress.

Once I read her email a number of times, I was tempted to toast her cookies. I could have flamed her and left her as toast.

But I decided that I needed to proceed with caution and to take the high road. I gave her a pass -- this time.

Still I am concerned about my little boy. I think she is out to take advantage of him.

And he doesn't even know it.

So, I am keeping my mouth shut and watching all this unfold.

It would be so nice to have someone hold me right now.

But that's another story for another day.

A Milestone Has Been Reached

I am so amazed at the fact that I have reached a new level in my life. I seem to be experiencing peace. A very deep and settled peace...one as I have never known in all my 51 years.

Oh, there are brief interludes of bitterness.... Bittnerness about how my life has turned out. All my broken promises and dreams that have since dissolved into the ether.

Sometimes I'd love to turn around and kick myself in the behind for believing the bill of goods sent to me by society and all the homophobic churches out there in Christendom. I actually thought I could change. I believed that all I needed to have in my life was a beautiful loving woman...one who would stand beside me...hold my hand....accept me for my shortcomings and to help me change.

She was a minister. Everyone had a different view point of her. And I? Well, I thought that she would or could be the love of my life.

So, I married her. I accepted her for who she was. I tried telling myself that I could change. But, it never happened.

Everything I told her in confidence was later broadcast from the housetops. I wasted so much time with HER. I supported her....but was told I didn't. I worked myself silly so that she and the kids could be provided for....and in the end...she didn't care. She painted me with a broad brush that made me question my motives and my actions.

Oh my.

It's been a long time.

But now, I feel better.

After her blowup with me in February and I pronounced the situation "over" and that "I am done," I was reminded of that final scene in the movie TWISTER. You know where Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton are tied to outdoor pipes.....the building they are hiding in from the big bad F-5 tornado is demolished around them. They are almost sucked up into the tornado and actually look up into the funnel. The wind is howling....debris is flying everywhere.

They are in serious danger.

But as they look up...they see the light of sun. Suddenly the storm stops......and the funnel dissolves....debris falls from the sky for a few moments...and then the sun begins to shine. The family who were stuck in the storm shelter emerge safe and sound.

The house still stands...but it is battered...and windblown.

Life goes on...it rebuilds...

That's how I feel sometimes. I went through the eye of the storm....and suddenly the storm has dissipated. I'm left standing.

It's calm.

Birds are singing.

And I am feeling whole again.

This weekend that happened to me. Without warning. The clouds parted and I am reminded that I am left standing...in one piece.

I am sooooooooooooo thankful.

But I have heard from a few friends who are where I was....and it is just as hellish for them as it is for me. In my little way...I want to be able to help them.

Unexpected Friends

Years and years ago, Gospel Artist Sandi Patty sang a song entitled, "Unexpected Friends." Version one appeared on her album, "Another Time, Another Place." Version two was a duet sung with Amy Grant, on Sandi's concept album, "Le Voyage."

At the time that both versions were released, I was wrapped up in kids and marriage and church and job and responsibilities. I had numerous acquaintances -- but not a lot of good friends. Growing up as an only child in West Virginia, I was constantly surrounded by cousins and other family members that consumed so much of my time. My other contemporaries were school mates, but sadly, I just never really had a lot of time for any of them. I spent the majority of my time buried in my school work. I didn't socialize much. I was very, very, VERY shy.

Perhaps it's the age thing now, but as I have grown older, I now "get it." I truly understand the necessity of having good, true, strong and solid friendships.

In the past few years as I have experienced the pain of separation, divorce, and the fact that the kids have all flown the nest to begin their own lives I can honestly say that I don't think I would have emerged as the whole and happy human being I am, had it not been for all the unexpected friends I have.

The hurts have all healed now. I am happy and content with my life....and thankful for the many blessings I have received.

Of all the blessings I've received in the past few years I have to say that my friends are the most precious. I'm only sorry that I didn't grasp the concept at a much younger age.

To those of you who have connected with me through this blog -- thank you! I am thinking of all of you this evening, for truly you are my "Unexpected Friends." This is for you!

UNEXPECTED FRIENDS
by Greg Nelson/Bob Farrell
Warner/Chapel Music, Inc.


When the dark closes in so hard I can hardly see
And the walls of my fortress of faith crumble in on me
When it seems like the end
Not a measure of strength to spend
I feel the arms of a stranger rescue me.

[A WHOLE SERIES OF LA LA LAs that I won't try to put here)

When it seems like the end
Not a measure of strength to spend
I feel the arms of a stranger rescue me.

CHORUS
With some unexpected friends
Never asking where I've been
Just a hand of mercy and words of love
Call me back again
Oh, it feels like home with unexpected friends.

A soothing balm for the wounds I suffer along the way
A fevent praying giving courage and home for another day
Though the help of my friends
Ones I may never see again
Seem like angels that were sent by Heaven to rescue me.

Repeat Chorus.

In The Garden of Stone

Last Wednesday was indeed a special day. You see, I attended the funeral of the father of a dear friend of mine at the historic Ft. Myer Old Chapel. He was entombed at Arlington Cemetery which is next door to Ft. Myer.

I know that I have had my share of deaths this summer. So really I haven't started attending funerals for pleasure. It was just something I felt I needed to do: express concern and care for my friend and his family.

I was so struck by the military precision and the care with which they handled the urn that contained the deceased's remains. He had been cremated. Yet, they carried him in solemnly, gently, and with honor. A folded American Flag rested next to the box.

There was a full procession to where he was entombed -- a niche in the columbarium overlooking the Pentagon with the Washington Monument in the distance. I counted at least 16 uniformed military men who were involved in the ceremony: 8 pallbearers, seven marksmen, and a bugle player. There was a representative from the office of the Secretary of Defense and her escort. The funeral director. The Catholic Priest.

There was the salute...three volleys from seven guns. With our heads bowed and eyes closed, the bugle player raised the instrument to his lips and played taps a few yards away. The haunting melody echoed through the garden of stone.

Then, his widow was presented a flag that had been folded at the conclusion of the ceremony. The pallbearers marched away. In precise unison. The marksman and the bugle player marched off in perfect unison.

My friend's dad was then placed gently into his place. The priest sprinkled holy water and blessed the urn and its surrounding niche. Each close survivor was invited to approach his final resting place for a moment of personal reflection. The widow placed a small bouquet of flowers next to the deceased. Some said audible goodbyes, while others paused in silence, carefully caressing the urn. My friend was the last to pay his respects.

The niche was closed.


We all walked to our cars in the bright summer sunshine. The tourmobiles whizzed by. Tourists darted to and fro looking for the Tomb of the Unknowns, or the final resting places of the Kennedy Brothers. In the distance we saw several other funeral processions -- all headed to their respective final resting places.

But there, among them all, was my friend's dad. He was afforded all the pomp and circumstance afforded the military. Oh, he wasn't an officer. He didn't make a career of the military. It has been perhaps 50 or 60 years since he wore a uniform.

Yet he was honored and not forgotten. His contributions were recognized.

Last Wednesday he took his place in the garden of stone.

ANOTHER Death in the Family

Life can be so strange.

I just returned from vacation – if you can call it that.

It was time off. I got to spend some quality time with my parents and one of my children – the daughter from El Salvador, who has returned permanently and appears to finally be over her wanderlust.

But, it was unseasonably cold and rainy. Many mornings were quite foggy. And the real reason for my time off was due to the death of an Aunt in North Carolina who had battling brain cancer for a number of years.

During the week that I was away, another Uncle was in ICU at one of the local hospitals. He was in rather bad shape. My relatives are all his stepchildren. He had been staying with his biological children since the breakup of his marriage with my aunt. As he lay in ICU, my cousins visited and saw what appeared to be evidence of elder abuse on his lower extremities.

So, this began another drama that played itself out near the end of my stay. My uncle passed away. His funeral was on the day I left to return home.

Three deaths in three weeks!

I find that all this death and dying business has left me feeling wrung out and basically out of sorts.

Going to WV for extended periods is stressful to me. I feel like I am the only gay person in the entire city. From the outside looking in, the communities that my family all operate with in seem to be “Straight Central”. The older I get, the harder it is for me to play along.

So, I spend a lot of my time just being me. I try to relax and be myself. But in the back of my mind I am always concerned about the “issue” and wondering if I am giving anything away. I certainly don’t want to cause any undue hardship on my parents or have people making any bad comments. So, I keep a very “low” profile.

People may think I’m being a snob….or that I am being shy. But really, I just keep my head down. Hopefully no one will notice that I am the odd man out. I am GAY!

Yesterday I received a telephone call from my mother. My uncle’s stepdaughter – my first cousin – had gone through a very ugly and unpleasant divorce from her husband of 32 years a few years ago. He remarried, and we hear that his current wife has filed for divorce.

When he moved out of wife #2’s home, he moved in with a wealthy man that lives in a rather upscale area of my hometown. On July 4, he invited his daughter to visit with her boyfriend.

Over the course of the visit, they determined that the ex-husband is gay and living with another gay man!

So, apparently there are some pockets of gayness right there in the midst of “straight central.”

I suppose you just have to know where to look!

What a Week!

Since I last wrote, I've been dealing with a couple of deaths in my family. (Both are on my father's side.) His only surviving brother died on June 18. So on Father's Day, I, along with my daughter, got up bright and early to drive to Canton, OH for the viewing and funeral. It was a nice trip...and I got to reconnect with some relatives that I have not seen in many years. I also got to connect with some of my more younger relatives that I barely know.

Then, as all of you know, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson all died within a relatively short time frame. I am amazed that I am now at the time of life where people who were icons during my youth are now beginning to die off. But, this is a part of the cycle.

Finally, on this past Friday morning, my aunt (the widow of another one of my dad's brothers who passed away in 1994) passed away in North Carolina -- having lost her fight with brain cancer. This time my daughter and I get to head to my home in WV to be at the funeral there that happens on Tuesday morning.

I still have not decided how long I will stay. I probably will stay through the July 4th Weekend. It's time for me to visit with my mom anyway.

So, I have been busy.

It really is something to have to face all these deaths at once.

Hopefully upon my return, we can get back on track with writing on this blog again.

Please remember my family in your prayers.

Not Whining Really

My post yesterday was just a remembrance of what occurred four years ago. It contained a flashback of the feelings I felt at the time...plus somewhat of a rant or vent of how I am currently feeling.

So, actually, I'm not really whining. Back then I whined. A whole lot!

Today, I'm different. I am quite settled and enjoying the man that I am becoming. I love the quietness....the lack of marital drama. AND, most importantly I am finally free to be me without hiding...or feeling fearful.

You see, fear was my constant companion.

And now...it all seems so manageable.

It seems so odd now.

This weekend is Pride Weekend here in the DC area.

I'm going and I'm taking plenty of pictures. If they turn out good, I will post them.

Hope you have a great week.

Frank is Remembering June 9, 2005.

Today is June 9. I can't believe it, but it is here...AGAIN!

For those of you who have been a follower of this blog, you know that this is the fourth anniversary of my former wife announcing that we would be separated. She told me that fateful day that I had made her life hell. She told me how raw she was inside.

Basically, the garden variety type things one says to one's gay husband...and you want to make yourself the victim.

So, this morning when I arose, it was storming horribly. Fiercely is probably a better word for how bad the storm was.

As I write this, it is the end of another long day at the office. I am meeting a close friend for dinner at 7:30...and it has begun to storm. AGAIN. FIERCELY!

This is probablly a nice way to remember this wonderful anniversary.

I have come so very far.

REALLY far.

It felt like I was in mourning forever. Even now when I think of all that I went through....and the mish-mash of feelings I had, well, I tear up. EVEN NOW.

Divorce isn't easy.

Neither is losing your best friend.

In the ex, I lost both. For all the pleasant words she has to say....she really holds me in no special light. Oh, I suppose I take that back. I am her monthly pay check.

It doesn't matter how much I loved her.

It doesn't matter that I am the father of her three children.

It doesn't matter that I spent many years trying to support her in her ministerial endeavors. Hell, I don't even rate an invitation to her ordination next week.

In the end, it came down to my being gay....(which she knew for 24 years). It all made her so raw inside.

So, it's a stormy night in Washington DC. I am remembering the pain associated with June 9, 2005.

It stings a little.

But I am so much better for surviving that.

That chapter of my life is finally closed.

A Close Encounter

This morning began as any other Sunday morning. I was sleeping so well....and I was awfully tired when I awoke. I even told my daughter that I was almost convinced not to go to church, but then I remembered that I had to help lead our church Bible Study...so I grudgingly went alone.

It was a beautiful morning....and as I drove the 20 minutes to church, I had some quality time to spend with God. I told Him that I was in a really bad mood.... In light of the drama I have been a part of for the past few weeks, there was apart of me that just wanted to find another place to worship.

Old habits die hard....and I was ready to have my walls up....wherever I went. You see I have been hurt....and I really don't want to have THAT happen again. It's difficult....it's painful......and I'm just not set to deal with all that now -- of all times.

Those same feelings that I struggle with from time-to-time surfaced again in an aggressively ferocious manner. I am not real happy with myself at the moment. I feel like a freakin' failure. I am not where I would like to be personally or professionally....or spiritually for that matter. I told God that I have a lot of issues to deal with and the inventory does not seem to be reducing in the least.

So, I went to the Bible Study....and it was really good. Gosh I love those people at my church. More than I can ever say. It's just so difficult to explain, but I do.

I went out into the sanctuary afterwards and continued to talk with God about all my issues. I sincerely asked him if there was anyway for Him to let me know that he's aware of me and MY issues.

It kind of reminded me of the way married couples talk to each other after many, many years of marriage. Usually the wife will tell the husband, "Why don't you tell me that you love me sometimes?" The husband retorts, "I love you.....by all the things I do..... Do I really need to say it?"

For all the times that I speak to God, I long to hear that once in a while. Silly, I know. But I still feel that way.

We had a guest preacher today. She was a 58 year old black lady minister within our denomination. She has a United Methodist Church background. She approached the pulpit....and one of the first things she had to say was that she felt the spirit changing her message title to something (can't remember the first part) "...... or 'I've got issues."

Well, the second half of the message got my attention.

Over the course of the sermon, she said that sometimes God tells her things about people with whom she has special prayer for. She told the congregation that she would be available to pray for people personally following the morning worship service.

I decided to get her to pray with me.

After waiting in line for nearly an hour. It was my turn. She hugged me.

Now let me say, this is the first time I have ever met this woman. She knew absolutely nithing about the dramas I have faced here...

She began to pray, and to the best of my remembrance, her dialog with me went something like this, "God says that he is creating a brand new life for you. He also says that there are people from the old life who are haunting the new one. She told me that God had something very special in mind for me and that when it is all revealed to me, I would be totally shocked...and that it would be the source of tremendous joy for me. She went on to say that God had forgiven me for all the mistakes I have beat myself up over...and that God saw that I didn't feel like coming to church this morning. He wanted me to know that he had come personally to set foot in our church to be of special encouragement to me....and that I hadn't expected it....He loves you supremely and is so glad that you are still on this earth."

At this point she opened her eyes in wide surprise and said, "THAT is really something when the Lord of the universe says that he is pleased that you are still on this earth."

She continued to say that I am so very, very precious in His sight and that God knows all about my questions....and my loneliness.....and that he has something very, very special in mind for me. It is going to happen she says...and that I need to be prepared for it and to remember, remember, remember this talk.

Finally, she closed with a mention that she could see an older man that she believed was my dad. and that he was saying hoe he wishes he had been gentler with me.

She said that God would be giving me a source of great joy and that I should remember it....and now that I should prepare myself for its arrival

Once more, she said how I need to remember, remember, remember....

And I do.

Approaching Anniversaries

I cannot believe that we are only about five days from my fourth anniversary since Lovey decided to separate, which was stage one in my wonderful divorce.

I really have to laugh when I go back and read those early, early posts on this blog -- those were the ones where I was passing the milestone of the first anniversary of that grand pronouncement. Back then I was dreading June 20, 2006 because that was the date that Lovey was slated to move out.

Then she moved out....

My house was stripped bare....and I was alone with my daughter.

Now, I look at that same room.....and see just how far this house has come--how far I have come...... Gosh, the drama I have survived.

The friends I have made.

The relationships I have had...although they were all shortlived.....I've had a couple of fulltime relationships with guys who were available.... But they ended relatively quickly...and here I sit....contemplating it all from a new perspective.

I am amazed at my growth and all the milestones I have passed.

I'm still here.

Taking it all one day at a time.

Life continues to be good and getting better.

My 2nd Anniversary

Friday was my second anniversary of my new life as a divorced, gay man.

Gee I have come such a long way.

Time to Catch Up With Frank!

Sorry that I have been so remiss at writing. Things have been so busy now that my daughter from El Salvador has returned. We're in the process of deep cleaning the house, because God knows it needs it. We also need to get rid of a ton of junk, old clothes, etc. So she has graciously volunteered to help me with this task that has been looking at me for the past two years...that I just haven't been able to make myself do. It has just been difficult for me to become motivated to do anything around the house because when I start cleaning out the junk room, I begin running across old stuff from my old life....like a love note from Lovey from many years ago....or a small token from the kids when they were in elementary, and I cry.

I know it's bad....but I'm a softy.

**************

I had quite an interesting experience last Friday when my daughter and I were headed to West Virginia to visit my parents for the long Memorial Day Weekend.

When we were halfway to my destination and we were cruising along the interstate and enjoying the scenic vistas of the mountains, my cellphone rang.

It was Lovey.

These days when I recive such calls, I geta knot in my stomach. I wonder, "What did I do now?"

Well, I picked it up and and said "Hello" in my cheeriest voice possible.

She didn't sound very happy.

"I'm just calling to let you know all that I have been dealing with this morning," she said.

"What's happening?" I asked, still cheery.

"I received a call from the stalker (a long story for another day), who said that she had heard at a funeral recently, that the real reason the Frank and Lovey split was because Lovey is a Lesbian! 'Tell me it isn't true' the stalker blurted out."

I nearly drove off the road....and cackled. That was the funniest thing I had heard. (The real funny thing is that my dad always thought she was a lesbian!)

Lovey then told me that she had gotten to the bottom of the rumor and had called and confronted the person who had informed the stalker. She wanted me to know that she had set the record straight.

I was still chuckling!

"I'm glad you think it's so funny," she said with grand indignance. "I struggle with these accusations all the time," she continued. "As a single, older woman pastor, I am always suspect."

I didn't know that.

Hmmmm. Perhaps Lovey will get a glimmer of what it's like to be whispered about.....or accused of things wrongly. Perhaps she'll understand all the things I went through when she mounted her campaign to discredit me because of my gayness.

I am amazed at how things have a way of coming back to haunt you.

I continued to laugh heartily about Lovey the Lesbian.

How delicious!

EXPLOSION!!!

Today I went nuclear on someone.

Yup...mild-mannered, kind, and caring Frank EXPLODED today.

I work very hard to keep an even keel in the most difficult of situations. I try to steer clear of controversy. I keep my nose clean...

Today, I got sucked into an unwanted vortex of drama. I have spent the last three weeks negotiating a host of unwanted dramas.... People whom I barely knew come up and tell me what I should do about this or that. Well, today, I exploded.

And totally let go.

The person on the receiving end knew that had received more than what they had bargained for.

They attempted to apologize.

They wanted to call and to talk.

My answer was simple and straight to the point: "I'm done talking to you. I have said all I am going to say about this issue!" "FINITO!!"

Yes, I've grown.

In the olden days I would have allowed this individual to walk all over me.....and I probably would have huddled over in a corner and cried about it because I was such an emotional mess.

But not now....in this day and time.

I'm a force to be wreckened with.