Saturday, January 21, 2012

Seasons of Life/Change

Well, in the last few weeks since my last post, a lot has changed.

I have entered into yet another new season of life and to be honest, ready or not, here it comes.

Let me explain.

Since writing beginning this blog, it seems I have bobbed and weaved from one taumatic event to the other. In fact, this blog was born in the midst of trauma, drama, and all that stuff. It seems that all those are my constant companions. But, as I look back on it all, I have to say that the things I have gone through, painful as they may have been, have made me a much better human being...

With all that said, I had a difficult time through the holidays. It was the first time I have celebrated Christmas without my parents. The grief hurt so bad I felt as though I was going to die.

I survived.

Following Christmas, I spent time with Bob in Williamsburg, VA. It was my Christmas present he said. He paid for everything. I fought with him over meals...and things like that...but for the most part, it was his show. Then one morning he came out of his room with a gift bag. (Yet more gifts!) It contained a really nice candle...and a note that he wanted to take me to the Kennedy Center for some show.

More expenditures.

Coupled with all of this....we had some very painful discussions. At least to me they were painful. He wanted to know if there were any men in his congregation that caught my eye....and I said no. He also showed me pictures of the guys who he has dated...but for some reason or another "the chemistry was not right."

He asked me what kind of man I was looking for. I told him that I had some high standards...but first and foremost, the person had to be a man of faith.

"What's your type?" I asked.

"Can't you tell by the guys I showed you pictures of?" he responded.

"Well, Bob, to be honest, the only commonality I see is that they are all men!"

They were all over the map....I couldn't tell. Honestly...and I tried.

We returned home on New Year's Eve.

So I have continued to spend time with him....and share meals with him....and talk with him on the phone....but I just don't know where the journey is leading....and to be honest, I am quite tired of it all. I feel I need to make some spiritual adjustments...and make some more changes before I am ever ready for a boyfriend, partner, husband or whatever.

My son the Marine, left for Afghanistan on January 19. However, on the date of that last entry, he drove with me to pick up his sister at the airport. He dropped a bomb. He has succeeded in getting a girl pregnant. She is due in July. I will soon get to list GRANDFATHER in my list of accomplishments. He wound up marrying the girl on January 12. She is a lovely sweet young year older than him. So I now have a new DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

Then, on my trip to Camp Lejeune to see my son off, I had to stop by Lovey's house to give her a ride. I even got to spend the night in her home...with my daughter Jessica. As we were preparing to leave...and I went into the room to pic up my daughter's things, I noticed a man's picture.....a very large picture sitting on Lovey's nightstand. "Nice picture I said. Who's the guy?"

In an embarrassed little look, and in an almost little-girl like response, "That's Larry. He's my friend."

Over the course of the next 5 hours, I learned that Larry is more than a "friend"...but he is more like "suitor". Marriage has been discussed. At some points Lovey was her same sweet snippy self. During that long conversation, I did learn some new things about my former beloved.

1. I am glad she is not in my life in any real capacity.
2. I am glad she has her a boyfriend.
3. She continually rewrites history to keep her conscience clear.

That last point was demonstrated by the fact that she totally disavowed any knowledge of writing any hateful emails telling me that she would no longer have anything to do with me....and that I should only contact her about the eventual passing of my folks. I reminded her of how she had outted me to everyone in her life....which she says she never did.

Driving down the road to Camp Lejeune in my car she basically told me all of my many faults and failures as a husband....and how "Larry" was so much better. Oh she said these things so very subtly...but the message was clear. But for the first time, it didn't hurt. I felt like Teflon. Clearly the woman lives in a fantasy land of the world of her choosing.

Everything is everyone else's fault.

But in actuality, I am happy to be have survived it all....and now I am excited about the arrival of my first grandchild in the summer.

Lovey is history. No longer painful history.

Just history.