Monday, August 05, 2013

The Never Ending List

I'm at work trying to get stuff done.  I have one of those jobs that keep you busy.  You may have a list of the things to get done, but due to meetings, phone calls, voice mails, emails, it just never seems to get done.  So I return another day to keep the cycle moving and working on the "never ending list."

I find this true of my life as well. 

I have a list of things that I want to have done....but it all never seems to happen.  At least, it does not seem to do so when I want them done. 

While at the beach a couple of weeks ago, I got to spend some time pondering my life's journey.  Long time followers of this blog may have noticed my evolution into the guy I am today.  When I first began this journey and documenting it for the world to read, I couldn't see past my nose.  I was consumed with bitterness, hurt pride, anger, and deep, deep personal longing.  But as I have gone down this path I've dealt with all the angst...all the miss mash of feelings that have composed the complicated being known as Frank.

As a youngster, my parents (I'm an only child) told me how life should be.  They also modeled the behavior for me.  They taught me that you grew up....married a woman....have a family....and so forth.  Then as time progressed they said, you could trust that person with your most personal thoughts and feelings.  They would be your number one fan.  They would be your partner until "death do you part."

I believed them.

Mom and Dad were together for 56 years, until mother died in October of 2010.  Dad soon followed in June of 2011.  Yes, they modeled the behavior they wanted me to adopt.  Today is their 59th Wedding Anniversary and I've not forgotten.

I tried to be married.  I tried to be straight.  I really did.

But I failed.

The world I thought existed did not.  My gayness got in the way of all those wonderful best laid plans.  I thought....and was told that marriage to a woman would fix things.  It didn't.  Having children would fix things.  It didn't.  Being honest would fix things.  It didn't.

So when my world began to fall around me in 2005-2007...I was consumed by a host of feelings that were new to me.
  • rage
  • hate
  • sadness
  • depression
  • guilt
  • self-doubt
  • resentment
  • low self-esteem
  • anguish
  • feelings of failure
And those feelings, and more, stayed with me for the longest time. 

I've since learned that in order to process issues, I have to talk about nauseam.  That's why I began this blog.  You will also see that in those earlier entries, I was all over the map emotionally.  I let my feelings show....warts and all.....  It was not pretty.

But during these past 7 or so years, I've experienced a healing.  What's past is past.  As a result, new vistas have emerged.  New feelings have surfaced.  New lists of things to work on have emerged.  Some of those old feelings are still not perfected...

Still I plod on.

I've had tons of crushes.  I've fallen in lust.  I've been hurt.  I've been rejected.

But I've learned from all of these things.

The Frank writing today is totally different from the Frank of yesteryear. 

I've grown rather fond of the Frank I am today.  (I used to hate the old one.)  I like my looks.  I see videotapes and photographs of myself.  Yes, I've gotten a whole lot older.  My hair is almost totally silver.  I'm not a greek god, but I get by.

I have tons and tons of friends.  Each new day brings potential new ones.  I'm relaxed.  Yes, I'm happy.  All of this seems to draw people my way.

I've learned to spot myths about myself.  I try to work to dispel them.  I try to be a heck of a lot more authentic now than ever before.

And, in the midst of this I see the potential of love.  The quality of male friendships have deepened.  People come and go just like they do in your life.  This is a healthy thing.  But there are several gentleman in my sphere that seem to have taken on deeper meaning.  One especially has captivated my being.  We've been intimate.  He satisfies deep hungers and needs within me....and from what he says, I do the same for him.  We exchange numerous emails during the day.  We share a meal several times per week.  Then we share those special times of naked intimacy on no set timetable.  But it just's's's passionate.

So I have learned to sit back and to enjoy the journey...this journey that I'm on.  Not worried too much about any specific desitination.  That, after all, should take care of itself.

But life sure feels good at this point of my existence.  I am surrounded by those who love family.......friends.....and others.  I have the affections of a good man for now....and if it should end's been worth it.  I'm a better man because of it.

Finally, I have learned to love...unconditionally.  I'm amazed at just how unfathomnable it is. 

Oh, dear reader, I've not arrived yet.  I'm not perfect.  I still have my list of improvements that I need to make.

The never ending list.