Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Baby Steps Forward...

So, the romantic trip to the beach with Chris has now changed to the trip to hell. I haven't been able to find a person who is able to join me. So it's either don't go....or suck it up and go and make the most of a spacious two bedroom, two bath, oceanfront condo ALONE!

I'm also a little retice3nt about going alone in view of the health scares I've had in the past month. Slipping into two diabetic comas back-to-back was totally scary. The only thing that saved me was the fact that my children saw them both happen and they immediately called 911.

According to my doctors it was because my sugars were too controlled. My A1C was a 5.0. Which isn't even considered diabetic.

But its dangerous for someone like me for sugars to be kept that low. You run the danger of having what happened to me.

So since then, I've been watching my sugars....I'm off two key diabetic meds including the insulin. My numbers are better and I'm watching my sugar levels constantly. So I think I'll be fine at the beach.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

And So It Goes...

So here I am...nearly two weeks after Chris' departure. I think I'm moving through this experience as well as can be expected...but I still face some unexpected speed bumps that hurt.

Upon his departure, I established a new account on SCRUFF...and I posted an ad on Craigs List. He had been in my life for four months...and I had not been on any of those sites the whole time. But in his way, Chris gave me a lecture about how I must not have loved him as much as I said I did because I did this. Ouch. That hurt. He didn't get it. On top of this, he never deleted his SCRUFF profile the whole time.

I've been on several dates with wonderful men...but I've played it low key. Nothing to write home about. No relationships begun. No glimmers of romances to come. Just time fillers. Experiences to be had.

And then there is the beach next week.... which I dread.

Originally I scheduled this as a time for just Chris and me to be together. I paid for it. It's nonrefundable. It felt like a cold slap in the face when he said that he had made other plans. So I guess I'm not friend material either? The condo I had rented is a two bedroom two bath one...and he could have had his own room. But I suppose I'm chopped liver. Not worth being near....not worth spending time with in any capacity.

So, today I am trying to navigate this new normal...allowing the hurts to heal. To mourn the profound loss and wonder what happened....and to mourn what could have been.

And so it goes...

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Back to the Drawing Board

So, here I sit trying to come to terms with the fact that Chris ended things. April 8 he did it...then moved out on May 10.

I'm a bit in shock. I just don't understand...especially with the strong feelings he had expressed to me and had shared with you in his post here.

So, I won't pretend that I know the reasons. I don't. I know what some of the things he said..but they don't really make sense. My birthday was a fiasco. My kids and he did not get along...but to them, he was a complete and total stranger, who moved in too fast...and tried to be their pal. He got upset because of this...and I told him that he and I were in relationship...not with them. They would come around...and they would have.

I suspect there were other factors...including the fact that on April 17 and 18, I went into two diabetic comas that left me near death. My sugars dropped unexpectedly and I wound up in the hospital for a week. My BP went through the roof...and they had a hard time keeping my sugars up.

So that was scary.

Perhaps in his sight, I'm nothing more than damaged goods.

I dunno.

I tried so hard...

I'm still in shock. I'm doing much better health wise....but he is gone. Sad to say, I was in pretty bad condition since last summer when Stan got married to his SCRUFF trick. I thought it was my emotions that were wreaking havoc with me...but it was my diabetes. My fog has lifted and I feel much, much better.

But emotionally I feel empty...I'm somewhat distraught. When he left, I immediately put up a profile on SCRUFF...and posted an ad on Craigslist. Primarily out of hurt. I just needed to have a mindless release with some male figure that would make my hurt go away.

Chris saw them and now accuses me of not really loving him as much as I said I did...

My point is why should he care? I did not do any of these things until he walked away. I ditched my profiles on SCRUFF, GROWLR, GRINDR, JACKD', MISTER, MATCH, and SILVERDADDIES, when he and I started our relationship. He never gave up SCRUFF but remained on it the whole time. He said he was looking for friends for us.

He just doesn't get the profound hurt that I'm undergoing. The stark sadness. The feeling of failure. The feeling of being damaged goods. My counselor says that the situation says more about him...than me. But there is very little solace in that if in fact that is all true.

I feel like a failure. All my relationships have failed after all and I'm the one constant.

He also continued to have long telephone calls with his ex BF from out of state. I dare say that person knew more about me and our situation than I did. He also remained in close contact with his ex-wife...who didn't particularly care for me. She kept likening me to his first male lover...who was not a popular item in the family. (I'm nothing like that one.) I feel that he allowed all of them to plant doubts of some kind about us.

So, I'm back at square one.

My one solace is that I've had two wonderful men to say to me privately how much they love me and wish they could be there for me...but their life situations won't allow that to happen in a substantial way.

I do understand that...but I appreciate their sincere concern and for them to bare their souls to me. It has taken away my feelings of inadequacy...and my shortcomings...

Still it pains me to think of Chris...

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Ready for Change

This weekend is the official start of my new life with Chris. As I have prepared myself emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically, I find that I'm having to purge myself of many of the ghosts from my past. It's funny, but it seems when things start turning around the ghosts begin to arise from their barren graves to try and torment me and to rob me of the joy I have mustered due to my good fortune.

In this case, I have so yearned and longed for a man to be with and to live life with...and a few months ago, I felt like literally folding up my rainbow flag and putting it away because I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I always found those men who were not really what I wanted...or felt I deserved...and I wound up getting hurt -- badly, in the process.

Then Chris appears in my life. And as he and I have become further acquainted...and his job prospects brought him literally into my backyard....and to the point of him moving in....and the profound feelings we have for each other...well...unless you're gay....and have someone that loves you unconditionally -- warts and all -- you'll never understand. Given my gay orientation, I've often wondered if the way I'm feeling with Chris...and those strong and intensely personal feelings that I have for him, are what garden variety straight men feel for their girlfriends or wives.

I've just never felt this way about anyone. Not Stan....not Zach.....not Patrick....not Lee......

And certainly not Lovey.

But yet here are these feelings for Chris....that seem to wash over my in tidal waves of joy and anticipation.

It is so very hard for me to describe these feelings to anyone. Especially if you're not from a gay orientation.

So, Chris arrives at my house on Sunday afternoon. I'm taking off Monday to be with him and help him to get settled. He begins his new job on Tuesday.

We're both ready.....ready for this big CHANGE!

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Random Thoughts

So my ADD has kicked in big time. My thoughts have been all over the place today.

An interesting development has happened with Lovey. For the past little while, I've gotten the distinct impression that she would like to get back together with me...after all this time. It amazes me that given what she had written in 2014 in her journal that I ran across as I prepared for my new bedroom furniture, that basically she thought I was scum. In fact, as I spend time with her now, I get the impression that she thinks she is several notches above me. But that's okay. I refuse to get sucked back into the drama of contests...especially with her.

So, a few weeks ago, my eldest child, a daughter, asked if she could tell her mother about Chris' arrival. I didn't see why this needed to occur, but I gave my permission since it seemed important for her to talk about it with her mother.

As far as I know, that conversation took place.

But...I've not received any fall out from her....heck, I've not gotten any kind of communication from her. Considering she was very, very communicative up until now, I find it odd that she is not being like she was.

She's almost standoffish.

I'm not complaining, but I'm pleasantly amused by it all.

It will definitely be interesting for her to meet Chris -- he's looking forward to that. But I'm not pushing for that in any way. In fact, going forward, if she should invite all of us to visit her home over a weekend or for a family gathering, I will be pushing for Chris and I to stay in a hotel.

He is from the area where Lovey pastors. He's very familiar with it. He still has relatives and his former wives that live there. In fact, he even knows one particular lady minister that Lovey alienated many years ago. In fact, long before he and I met, this lady minister told him about Lovey and how awful she was.


So its amazing to me that he and I have found each other. We are tremendously excited about the future and all the adventures to be had. Given our spiritual backgrounds, we are looking forward to putting God first in our relationship and seeing where our journey takes us!

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Artists Of Then, Now & Forever - Forever Country

This video is quite special to me.  It takes an old song about WV "Take Me Home Country Roads" and comingles it with "On The Road Again" and "I Will Always Love You"  Then it throws in tons of artists all in celebration of the CMA's Awards 50th Anniversary last fall!  Then, you have a special moment in music.  ENJOY!

Monday, March 06, 2017

Sometimes I Just Forget...

It's time to return to earth from Cloud 9.

When you have spent a hunk of the last several years wading through the jungle of the wilderness experience as I have, when the sunlight finally breaks through the dark gray clouds of loneliness and sadness, you become euphoric and for a time forget what life can really be like.

Such was what happened to me today.

One of my co-workers called in today to say that he wasn't feeling well and that he would not be in today. It hit me kind of oddly. It wasn't like him...but to be honest, I got so busy that I forgot about him until just before lunchtime. As I was headed out to our Café here in the building, I picked up my cellphone and I had a text message.

From Mr. Coworker.

He told me that he chose to take a mental health day because his boyfriend of over one year broke up with him on Friday. He was totally devastated. He just couldn't muster the umph to come to work...and he didn't want to tell our boss or our coworker what had happened to him.

I was honored that he told me. (We're out to each other.)

So I called him back to say that I was firmly in his corner and that he shouldn't hesitate if he needed anything. I told him that it sucked...but sometimes these things happened for a reason that will be revealed sometime in the future.

So time will tell.

Gosh I hurt for him.

I've been there a multitude of times. Having Chris in my life is such a blessing...but this tale has made me realize just how fragile relationships can be. Even the one I had with Lovey was fragile. I didn't understand how fragile that one was until I read her 7 page journal.

I just want to take care of what I have with Chris...without being paranoid and afraid. I suppose the key is to have open and free communication.

The one real thing to remember is to never take your special man or woman for granted. It can change.