Saturday, September 21, 2013
Monday, August 05, 2013
The Never Ending List
I find this true of my life as well.
I have a list of things that I want to do....to have done....but it all never seems to happen. At least, it does not seem to do so when I want them done.
While at the beach a couple of weeks ago, I got to spend some time pondering my life's journey. Long time followers of this blog may have noticed my evolution into the guy I am today. When I first began this journey and documenting it for the world to read, I couldn't see past my nose. I was consumed with bitterness, hurt pride, anger, and deep, deep personal longing. But as I have gone down this path I've dealt with all the angst...all the miss mash of feelings that have composed the complicated being known as Frank.
As a youngster, my parents (I'm an only child) told me how life should be. They also modeled the behavior for me. They taught me that you grew up....married a woman....have a family....and so forth. Then as time progressed they said, you could trust that person with your most personal thoughts and feelings. They would be your number one fan. They would be your partner until "death do you part."
I believed them.
Mom and Dad were together for 56 years, until mother died in October of 2010. Dad soon followed in June of 2011. Yes, they modeled the behavior they wanted me to adopt. Today is their 59th Wedding Anniversary and I've not forgotten.
I tried to be married. I tried to be straight. I really did.
But I failed.
The world I thought existed did not. My gayness got in the way of all those wonderful best laid plans. I thought....and was told that marriage to a woman would fix things. It didn't. Having children would fix things. It didn't. Being honest would fix things. It didn't.
So when my world began to fall around me in 2005-2007...I was consumed by a host of feelings that were new to me.
- low self-esteem
- feelings of failure
I've since learned that in order to process issues, I have to talk about htem....ad nauseam. That's why I began this blog. You will also see that in those earlier entries, I was all over the map emotionally. I let my feelings show....warts and all..... It was not pretty.
But during these past 7 or so years, I've experienced a healing. What's past is past. As a result, new vistas have emerged. New feelings have surfaced. New lists of things to work on have emerged. Some of those old feelings are still not perfected...
Still I plod on.
I've had tons of crushes. I've fallen in lust. I've been hurt. I've been rejected.
But I've learned from all of these things.
The Frank writing today is totally different from the Frank of yesteryear.
I've grown rather fond of the Frank I am today. (I used to hate the old one.) I like my looks. I see videotapes and photographs of myself. Yes, I've gotten a whole lot older. My hair is almost totally silver. I'm not a greek god, but I get by.
I have tons and tons of friends. Each new day brings potential new ones. I'm relaxed. Yes, I'm happy. All of this seems to draw people my way.
I've learned to spot myths about myself. I try to work to dispel them. I try to be a heck of a lot more authentic now than ever before.
And, in the midst of this I see the potential of love. The quality of male friendships have deepened. People come and go just like they do in your life. This is a healthy thing. But there are several gentleman in my sphere that seem to have taken on deeper meaning. One especially has captivated my being. We've been intimate. He satisfies deep hungers and needs within me....and from what he says, I do the same for him. We exchange numerous emails during the day. We share a meal several times per week. Then we share those special times of naked intimacy on no set timetable. But it just happens....it's meaningful....it's intense....it's passionate.
So I have learned to sit back and to enjoy the journey...this journey that I'm on. Not worried too much about any specific desitination. That, after all, should take care of itself.
But life sure feels good at this point of my existence. I am surrounded by those who love me.....family.....extended family.......friends.....and others. I have the affections of a good man for now....and if it should end tomorrow....it's been worth it. I'm a better man because of it.
Finally, I have learned to love...unconditionally. I'm amazed at just how unfathomnable it is.
Oh, dear reader, I've not arrived yet. I'm not perfect. I still have my list of improvements that I need to make.
The never ending list.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Greetings from Your Long Lost Friend
It has been ages since I last posted. I apologize and realize that I need to take a few moments to catch you up. Things certainly have been busy around my house. So here goes.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Frank Has The Blues
Mom O'Lovey came by.
As I have said before, I took her to the emergency room a couple of months ago and was with her when they told her she had Stage 4 Metastatic Lung Cancer -- the same exact type that killed my mother.
At that time, it was as if someone had hit me in the gut. The air had been knocked out of me.
You see, since the divorce, she and I have become quite close -- in spite of the gay thing -- and the way Lovey told it, making her life hell!
Mom O'Lovey lives just three blocks away from me. So, this has helped to cement our relationship in a very special way. It also does not hurt to have her favorite granddaughter living with me.
I had just emptied a box of my parents belongings...and had found all of mom's statements from the medical center all during the time she was in chemo. Seeing all that....and having Mom O'Lovey show up at my door, well it just really moved me.
Mom O'Lovey's daughters have advised her against taking chemo. Basically they have scared her to death. I've told them of the recent breakthroughs in cancer treatment by "souping up the patients white blood cells to target leukemia"...and then they want to test it on other cancers. Mom has nothing to lose at this point...but they poo-pooed the idea.
They are in favor of sending her to Mexico to have coffee colonics. Eating grass. Drinking awful smoothies. Or being scanned by a special machine that does things to you and has cured multitudes in the mid-west. But they finally found this person up north who has a "cure" that will make it all better. You see, in their minds, these "real" cures are not broadcast widely because of a vast conspiracy in the medical community. They want people to die so that they can have these expensive treatments to line their pockets with money. It's a conspiracy!
In the meantime, Mom has missed the window of time that chemo and radiation could actually help her. Doctors have told her family she now has two months remaining. A lot of this is because they did not allow her to choose chemo as an option two months ago. Valuable time was wasted. And now...I'm watching her deteriorate. She is slowing down. She is feeble.
She is going to spend thousands of dollars to these other "cures."
But watching her yesterday, I ached. It really hurt me. Can't tell you how difficult this all is to watch from afar.
All I know to do is to tell her everyday how much I love her. I reach out and hold her hand. I give her big hugs.
Then when I am home. Alone. I cry.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Always Hopeful -- Always Disappointed
Saturday, March 16, 2013
So Frank Goes On Another Date...
It was in the gay area of DC. Wall-to-wall gay men...and assorted straights. It was a very comfortable atmosphere.
He and I had much in common. I did notice that there was an atmosphere of "snootiness" and "snobbery" that appeared briefly at times -- but it wasn't overbearing or obnoxious. I decided it was something I could deal with/manage.
We talked about all kinds of stuff. His comments were peppered repeatedly with, "I don't now why I'm telling you all these things." Curious comment to be used so often.
But there we were. The meal was ended.
We walked out the door of the restaurant. Said our goodbyes. He went one direction. I went the other.
Because he paid for the meal, I wrote him a note of thanks. This morning he responded with a note of his own saying that he had a good time. Kind of felt flat. No real warmth.
I guess that was that.
On another front...and after I had left the restaurant, I went to another gay establishment not far away. While seated and sipping my diet soda, a man caught my eye. I thought nothing of it. I continued to people-watch, next thing I know, nicely built stranger has saddled up next to me and chats me up. Turns out he is from out of town, but comes to DC monthly, and is looking for quality friends. So, we talked a while. He was catching an early flight out today, but asked for my email address. So, I gave him mine, he gave me his.
He wrote me a sweet warm note and thanked me for my friendliness. He thinks I am "cool". He's going to contact me when he comes back to town in a few weeks.
Life is full of twists and turns.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
"I Want To Be Your Boyfriend" Part 2
"Hey, I had fun the other night. I'm aching for you! What are you doing?"
Aching for me?
He sounds like he needs to take something for that.
I was not overly impressed.
Tired of Being Gay
Being gay has consumed the majority of my life. I spent years of trying to conform and be what society totld me was "normal." Only to find out that I was not "normal" in that sense. I had to learn what my "normal" meant. I had to learn how to become authentically me.
In the process I lost a marriage. I lost a longterm relationship. I sired three children and I now have a grandson.
I've seen the seamy underside of gay life. I've explored. I've found out just how comfortable I am with certain aspects of gay sexuality. I've found out what parts of it I am not comfortable with.
I've done what is expected of me in that I have put myself into the gay male dating world. I've met many, many men from all walks of life. Some of them I would give my right arm to be their partner/mate/what have you. But either they just don't want me. Or they live billions of miles away. Or they are partnered or married. Or they have issues -- it's them they say...and not me. Or they like to play games. Or they are messed up in someway and need time to process. Or they want to just get in my bed to relieve a bodily need.
The list goes on and on and on.
Why can't I find a mate?
So, today, I find myself just wanting to stop the merry go round, take my cotton candy and go home -- alone.