Something Is Happening

I was quite busy this morning doing the normal ritual of getting ready to come to the office. I awoke -- feeling like a million bucks. My dog began dancing which told me that he needed to go outside. So I trudged down the steps to my front door and let him out into the front yard where he did his business.

I let him back in and hurried down the steps to put in one load of white laundry.

I then ran back up the steps...turned on the shower and worked to wake myself up. I jumped out of the shower and began to shave.

Then I saw it.

My face.

Something is very different about me.

I stood and looked.....and looked.

I don't know what the difference is.

But there is one.

Is it age?

Am I seeing the signs of maturity.

Is it because I've become more relaxed than ever?

Is it because I'm happy?

I dunno....

But there is certainly a difference.

A really big one!

The Clock Continues To Tick...

Just got off the telephone with my little girl. The excitement is beginning to set in for her audition for American Idol scheduled for Monday.

My goodness.

I want this so bad for her....because this is HER DREAM to perform.

It's what she went to school for.

She auditioned at a very prestigious music school in Nashville....got in....graduated with honors....and here she is. She is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready.

All she needs is a little "umph"....to push her into the spotlight and to let other people hear her -- important people -- people with influence -- the gatekeepers of the music industry.

Oh goodness....she just has to get in!

Help me pray! Then when she makes it.....VOTE FOR HER!

A Word From My Co-Worker

Finally heard from "him"...

Things still seem fine...but the way things are going for his schedule and mine, we both agreed that it wouldn't be advantageous for us to get together for dinner until sometime after I return from vacation....which begins on Saturday.

So, I guess we'll see.

I've talked to my mother about this one..... She agrees that I should just take each day as it comes and see how all things play out. She understands my frustrations.....my longings......and all about the secret crushes I have had along the way....but she is hopeful that this one may be a little different. After all, we come from similar backgrounds.....similar ages......work for the same agency....with a similar focus......and we're both gay.....and apparently "available."

So, stay tuned everyone.... I'm just enjoying the fact that I'm having very normal feelings and normal longings.....all for a hot, red-blooded, American, gay male!

AMERICAN IDOL: Here She Comes!

Okay everyone....you gotta help me think positive thoughts.....and you gotta whisper a prayer (if you believe in such things) for #2 on Monday, July 21, 2008.

Why? You may ask...

Well, my daughter, #2, is gonna be doing what she has to do in order to audition for AMERICAN IDOL Season 8!

Yup, I finally talked her in to driving from Nashville to Louisville, KY to audition for this year. She's got the goods. All she needs is an opportunity for folks to hear her. So, I pray that all goes well and that she can at least get an audition.

One drawback is that she has a gig on Saturday. Registration is Saturday and Sunday. So, she won't be able to get her registration materials until sometime on Sunday. Then, she has to get to the venue at some god-awful time on Monday in hopes of having an audition.

So, help me pray....that this opportunity opens up for her.

Check her out on My Space at http://www.myspace.com/lauravancemusic

A Tiring Day...

Today has been seriously busy...nonstop from the moment I came in.

I'm not really complaining, because I enjoy working....and keeping busy. It keeps my mind from wandering....into areas that have been known to trigger sadness....or even depression.

So, I'm staying occupied.

And dreaming of next week when I'm gone on vacation. I'm off to the beach with a gay male couple that I know from church and we're planning a VERY fun time! The resort is swanky, and I haven't been to this particular beach in 35 years. I'm excited about exploring some of the haunts I used to go to as a child. I hear that they are still in existence....so I guess I'm gonna learn about what changes happen over the course of 35 - 40 years!

When I think about it....the last time I was at this beach, I was a heck of a lot younger.... Puberty had just hit and I was all awash in male hormones. I knew that I was gay back then.....but I didn't know how to deal with it.

Now all these years and life experiences later.....I still know that I am gay.....the hormones ebb and flow.......and at times, I still don't know how to deal with it.

I have this fantasy. That one day.....some guy that has been in my life as a friend.....will suddenly wake up.......take me for a romantic walk.......or take me to a romantic dinner.......and then confess that he has deeper feelings for me than he has ever dared to share with me.

And then I melt!

Then we live happily ever after...

Isn't that silly?

I have no idea who this man is mind you..... It wouldn't take long to come up with a list of potential candidates. There's always the mystery man at church that I lhave enjoyed from afar for so very long........or the guy I work with that likes to email me.......who seems to want to do something soon...... The other guys on my list though are living thousands of miles away......or are married or are partnered already......or some combination of the three.

A good friend of mine wrote me a very sweet note today. He ended his note with: "You have friends and family who care about you and you are so genuine that I truly believe good things lie ahead for you."

I know that I do.

But sometimes I get so anxious......and want someone in my life so very badly........I forget.

Oh well....the journey continues.

Sunday Night

It's getting late and I'm ready to turn in for the night, but it has been a great weekend.

My friend from Massachusetts and I had a good time. We went to Dupont Circle on Friday Night...and he got to see things that he hasn't experienced. On Saturday we took the boat ride from Washington to Mount Vernon...and went to a gay bar in Arlington, VA afterwards.

Today, though, he said was the highlight of his trip. He went to church with me and found it to be a safe and loving experience. He is now going to look for a similar congregation near his house.

I hope he is successful, because he really wants to experience what he did this weekend on a more regular basis.

His visit was certainly a tale of how my friendships have been built over time since the separation. I reached out to make friends and expanded beyond my comfort zone, and look at what happened. I have been given so many new friend....and refreshed old friendships. I'm experiencing healthy relationships...male friendships without worry about jumping between the sheets. It just doesn't seem important.

It's amazing.

I am so thankful to have these men in my life.

I am blessed beyond words.

A Busy Friday

This week has been unusually busy on the work front.....and today has been no different. I just now had a few moments and thought I would draft a quick note to all of you.

Thanks to Rick for the reality check on the last post. I was allowing my imagination to conjure up all kinds of scenarios in my mind. When that happens....and when reality clashes with what you have fantasized, immediately you transfer your disappointment to instant self-loathing which, especially in my case, is totally inappropriate. I'm not a bad guy....and if I really don't float the boat of my mystery man here, well then, I'm sure that there will be someone out there for me sometime.

I just need to relax...and enjoy the journey. I have to stop trying to drive the bus.

Last night was an interesting evening.

I was in a foul mood by the time I got home. And I'm not sure why that was. I talked to my mom and told her what I had been saying to some of my other family members. Mother was actually proud of me.

"I worry about you sometimes," she said. "You're just too kind. I'm glad that you let people know what your limits are...it means you have them."

Yeah, I suppose I do keep things in check a lot.

I'm not sure what made me so angry last night...but I was on a roll. I said to one person that I was tired of getting used and taken advantage of. On top of that, I said that I was also tired of being served as leftovers. "I'm FIRST CUT!"

On another front, I have a dear friend from Boston coming down to spend the weekend with me. He's been married for about 20 years, has two kids, and he's gay. He and his wife just separated...and he doesn't know what he is going to do. Part of him wants to be out of the marriage....and the other part wants to stay...just out of sheer comfort. His wife wants him to stay.

So, he's coming down here to relax....and see the sights. I'm taking him on the boat ride down the Potomac to Mt. Vernon tomorrow. Sunday he is going with me to church. Then he goes back home on Sunday afternoon.

Weather-wise, this weekend should be GREAT!

Silence!

I've been so very busy today that I have not had two seconds to myself. BUT...I have been monitoring my cell phone and email to see if the MYSTERY MAN called or wrote.

He certainly didn't drop by the office today.

But, he does seem to prefer to communicate electronically...which is fine. My only concern is that I haven't heard anything from him today.

It makes me wonder if maybe I said too much yesterday and perhaps scared him off.

In any event...it certainly has been fun...to think about the possibilities...and playing little scenarios in my mind -- of how I'd like for feelings to surface....and to be discussed....

Wondering how my kids would respond to him.

Wondering how my parents would respond to him.

Wondering how my friends at church would respond to him.

Wondering how my other relatives would respond to him.

Then I realized something kind of profound. There are no hard and fast rules for gay relationships. We don't have role models. I mean, in the straight world generally the man and woman date.....and then grow serious.....and then become engaged......and get married.

How does all this work for two gay guys with their own houses and careers? At what point does a relationship begin.....and then the dating......and does that mean it's time to move in together.....and have a commitment ceremony.

Gosh, I don't even know if I even want to go that far.

So, here I am with all these thoughts and concerns....and I haven't heard from this man all day. I really have no concrete evidence that he is even giving me second thoughts "that way" other than my gut feeling.

After spending some significant time with him, I should get an idea.....

I've got to be prepared for acceptance or rejection.