Thursday, March 16, 2017

Ready for Change

This weekend is the official start of my new life with Chris. As I have prepared myself emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically, I find that I'm having to purge myself of many of the ghosts from my past. It's funny, but it seems when things start turning around the ghosts begin to arise from their barren graves to try and torment me and to rob me of the joy I have mustered due to my good fortune.

In this case, I have so yearned and longed for a man to be with and to live life with...and a few months ago, I felt like literally folding up my rainbow flag and putting it away because I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I always found those men who were not really what I wanted...or felt I deserved...and I wound up getting hurt -- badly, in the process.

Then Chris appears in my life. And as he and I have become further acquainted...and his job prospects brought him literally into my backyard....and to the point of him moving in....and the profound feelings we have for each other...well...unless you're gay....and have someone that loves you unconditionally -- warts and all -- you'll never understand. Given my gay orientation, I've often wondered if the way I'm feeling with Chris...and those strong and intensely personal feelings that I have for him, are what garden variety straight men feel for their girlfriends or wives.

I've just never felt this way about anyone. Not Stan....not Zach.....not Patrick....not Lee......

And certainly not Lovey.

But yet here are these feelings for Chris....that seem to wash over my in tidal waves of joy and anticipation.

It is so very hard for me to describe these feelings to anyone. Especially if you're not from a gay orientation.

So, Chris arrives at my house on Sunday afternoon. I'm taking off Monday to be with him and help him to get settled. He begins his new job on Tuesday.

We're both ready.....ready for this big CHANGE!

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Random Thoughts

So my ADD has kicked in big time. My thoughts have been all over the place today.

An interesting development has happened with Lovey. For the past little while, I've gotten the distinct impression that she would like to get back together with me...after all this time. It amazes me that given what she had written in 2014 in her journal that I ran across as I prepared for my new bedroom furniture, that basically she thought I was scum. In fact, as I spend time with her now, I get the impression that she thinks she is several notches above me. But that's okay. I refuse to get sucked back into the drama of contests...especially with her.

So, a few weeks ago, my eldest child, a daughter, asked if she could tell her mother about Chris' arrival. I didn't see why this needed to occur, but I gave my permission since it seemed important for her to talk about it with her mother.

As far as I know, that conversation took place.

But...I've not received any fall out from her....heck, I've not gotten any kind of communication from her. Considering she was very, very communicative up until now, I find it odd that she is not being like she was.

She's almost standoffish.

I'm not complaining, but I'm pleasantly amused by it all.

It will definitely be interesting for her to meet Chris -- he's looking forward to that. But I'm not pushing for that in any way. In fact, going forward, if she should invite all of us to visit her home over a weekend or for a family gathering, I will be pushing for Chris and I to stay in a hotel.

He is from the area where Lovey pastors. He's very familiar with it. He still has relatives and his former wives that live there. In fact, he even knows one particular lady minister that Lovey alienated many years ago. In fact, long before he and I met, this lady minister told him about Lovey and how awful she was.

OY.

So its amazing to me that he and I have found each other. We are tremendously excited about the future and all the adventures to be had. Given our spiritual backgrounds, we are looking forward to putting God first in our relationship and seeing where our journey takes us!

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Artists Of Then, Now & Forever - Forever Country




This video is quite special to me.  It takes an old song about WV "Take Me Home Country Roads" and comingles it with "On The Road Again" and "I Will Always Love You"  Then it throws in tons of artists all in celebration of the CMA's Awards 50th Anniversary last fall!  Then, you have a special moment in music.  ENJOY!

Monday, March 06, 2017

Sometimes I Just Forget...

It's time to return to earth from Cloud 9.

When you have spent a hunk of the last several years wading through the jungle of the wilderness experience as I have, when the sunlight finally breaks through the dark gray clouds of loneliness and sadness, you become euphoric and for a time forget what life can really be like.

Such was what happened to me today.

One of my co-workers called in today to say that he wasn't feeling well and that he would not be in today. It hit me kind of oddly. It wasn't like him...but to be honest, I got so busy that I forgot about him until just before lunchtime. As I was headed out to our Café here in the building, I picked up my cellphone and I had a text message.

From Mr. Coworker.

He told me that he chose to take a mental health day because his boyfriend of over one year broke up with him on Friday. He was totally devastated. He just couldn't muster the umph to come to work...and he didn't want to tell our boss or our coworker what had happened to him.

I was honored that he told me. (We're out to each other.)

So I called him back to say that I was firmly in his corner and that he shouldn't hesitate if he needed anything. I told him that it sucked...but sometimes these things happened for a reason that will be revealed sometime in the future.

So time will tell.

Gosh I hurt for him.

I've been there a multitude of times. Having Chris in my life is such a blessing...but this tale has made me realize just how fragile relationships can be. Even the one I had with Lovey was fragile. I didn't understand how fragile that one was until I read her 7 page journal.

I just want to take care of what I have with Chris...without being paranoid and afraid. I suppose the key is to have open and free communication.

The one real thing to remember is to never take your special man or woman for granted. It can change.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Upcoming Decisions

As I have journeyed this road of being gay: coming to terms with it....losing my wife....living alone and experiencing hurt from a multitude of failed relationships and one night stands, I've never really felt forced to "come out" in a broad way. Since Lovey spent the last few months of our relationship outing me to everyone and anyone who would listen and providing them her spin of what a victim she was...I have assumed that everyone has known...and I've just thought it was no big deal. But in a few short weeks, I begin the next chapter with a loving man who will be living with me.

I have never been domiciled with another man. I've never felt like it would ever happen. Or that I would be fortunate to meet anyone who would want a permanent relationship with me...until now.

So this opens up a door of discovery. Do I make a grand pronouncement on Facebook? Do I come roaring out of the closet and scream it from the housetops?

Actually, that isn't my style. After all, how many straight people make grand pronouncements about themselves?

So I guess what my heart is telling me is that I'm just going to be honest about Chris without making a big deal about it. I'll begin showcasing him on Facebook. When we go on trips together....I'll take pictures of us....and let it speak for itself.

The onus is then placed on other people. If they have a burning desire to know about the nature of our relationship, then they can ask -- simply and we will be happy to tell them.

To be totally honest, I'm not interested in making any pronouncements to my extended family in WV. I feel very alienated with them. They offended me about the whole gay marriage flap with Kim Davis in their area. They gleefully hurled theirBibles at me. Another one of them defriended me because of the trans and gay people that I hang out with. She questioned my love of God and my feelings of being called into ministry. It was very hurtful.

So, in order to take good care of me....I have limited their toxic influences.

Besides I don't want Chris exposed to all that. He doesn't deserve any of that drama.

So I will proceed...low key. This is my style.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Metamorphosis

Today I can't seem to get the word Metamorphosis out of my mind.

I guess it is because that I feel like I have changed so much over the past several years. However, with Chris now in my life, it is amazing at the deep and quick changes I have sensed about me. There is a deep and profound settling going on in my life right now that is marvelous. However, when I think about it in other ways, it just is so scary.

You see, I have waited so long, now that I have him, I don't want to do anything that blows this opportunity.

He is jut so special....and I've gone through so much stuff to prepare myself to have him cross my path. I have spent such a long time hoping and praying to find my soul-mate. At times I nearly gave up and thought it would never occur. I thought that love was just a figment of some people's imagination. Based on my rather limited experience, I thought it was just not ever going to be for me.

Then WHAM....almost out of no where in he walks. So together. So handsome. So perfect in in so many ways. I just am at a loss for words as to how awesome this truly is.

We talk several times a day. We have discussed a number of topics that are very heavy. We've discussed the kinds of things that you don't discuss with just any person. We've made ourselves vulnerable to each other. We've talked about our hopes and dreams...our failures...our successes....the awful truth of our humanity.

The amazing part of this is that in making ourselves vulnerable to each other, neither of us has felt anything other than authentic and total acceptance from the other. No rejection. No criticism. Just the comfort of unconditional love and respect for the other.

One of the big changes I sense is that my endless search for a partner is over. It's like walking in the desert forever dreaming about consuming a tall glass of water with ice cubes floating about. Then you finally reach that place. You're presented that tall glass filled to the brim with ice cold water. A part of you can hardly believe you're at this place But you are! You don't have to continue dreaming about it. What it tastes like. How satisfying the cold water is in your parched throat.

Get the idea?

My feelings for Chris are passionate and personal. They run very deep. I view him as my beloved. And with all these feelings I now have for him....I want to protect this relationship from any potential assault from external forces. I have quite a feeling of protectiveness for him. It's not something I've ever really had before.

I guess this is all part of the fact that I have literally spent a number of years looking for what I have found. I just don't want to take anything about him for granted. I want him to know how special and dear he is to me.

And from what he says to me...he feels the same way....

In three short weeks, the adventure begins -- up close and personal. He's going to be in my house. He's going to be living there...one of the family -- my family.

I could not be happier!

Yes I have changed....and I continue to do so.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Reflections...

It's been a busy few days. My 4 year old grand son came for a visit. On Saturday we took him to the National Air and Space Museum and the Natural History Museum. We had a grand time. The temperature was spring like...and it was good just being outside.

While out...the weather changed. Thunderstorms hit the area and, well, the advancing cold front dropped the temperature down into the lower 40s.... The rest of the evening I stayed huddled in my house...and on Saturday I went to church. For lunch I invited a new man from the congregation to join me.

We had a good visit...but it affected me profoundly -- not in a good way.

His history with his former wife was a mirror of what I had with Lovey....but his relationships with men are nothing compared to the special relationship I now have with Chris. My new friend was married to a man for many years. It sounds like it was indeed a strange relationship...in ways I can't really relate to. There was a disconnect on several levels. There was a serious lack of intimacy...and some anger management issues.

I hurt for my new friend as he told some of the horror stories he had to share.

Men are such sexual beings. I don't understand all the gay couples I've talked with who have no sex life.... I've also learned of profound sexual abuse and violence. I don't get that either.

So it is no wonder that by the end of the visit....and by the time I had gotten into my car, I felt drained emotionally. As he talked about his life with his ex-wife, I went right back there with him and relived the horrors of my marriage. I guess my emotional exhaustion should not be all that surprising.

The one factor that I did find surprising is the fact that I still have bitterness hanging around for Lovey.