I Believe In Ghosts!
Oh I'm not going to use this as a doctoral dissertation in the metaphysical mysteries that occur in day-to-day life. But I am using this as a discussion of things in the past that come to haunt the present. These pesky ghosts distort the past, can rob you of your presence in the now, and even derail one's future.
Some would label these as the leftovers of toxic relationships or events.
I shy away from the word TOXIC. I don't like it and associate that with far more serious issues.
Oh, I'm not saying that these ghosts can't be serious. But I just can't put them into the same realm as toxicity: poison....life threatening crud.
So, as I have lived my life and kept this blog -- nearly 10 years -- I've had my share of ghosts. It seems like just as I get rid of one set of them, another set rises up to take their place. It's frustrating. But I keep moving forward.
Such is the case in my life now.
You see, I have had such a rotten track record when it comes to relationships. My first got killed. My second ended after 26 years (Lovey). MY third was a man I care for over the span of 12 years. Then there was Steven for all of three months. Now I have the man who I refer to as the "Baby Gay -- BG" in my life.
He is the first man I've ever had in my life who is TOTALLY free to be involved in a relationship. He's not married and trying to live a gay life in the shadows. I'm not married. I'm finally comfortable being who I am. I've wanted to have someone in my life to love forever. And now I have one who has made it clear that he loves me and wants it for the long haul....
So this has given rise to my latest infestation of ghosts.
Ghosts of Fear....am I good enough?
Ghosts of Failure....um...my track record sucks big time....how do I know this will work?
Ghosts of Past Sexual Escapades with other men that I thought were the ones. Am I really monogamous?
Ghosts of Being Needy. Is this only because he is expressing deep interest and I'm vulnerable.
Ghosts of Trust. Is he for real?
These all make for quite a nest of 'em. I'm sure there are tons of others. But I'm working to exorcise them. I'm trying to relax...and enjoy each day as it comes.
I spent this entire New Year's Weekend with BG. It was even more powerful than the one in Myrtle Beach.
Today I'm missing him desperately. I get misty when I think of him.
I hope he is the one....we will see.