Monday, January 04, 2016

I Believe In Ghosts!

I believe in Ghosts!

Oh I'm not going to use this as a doctoral dissertation in the metaphysical mysteries that occur in day-to-day life. But I am using this as a discussion of things in the past that come to haunt the present. These pesky ghosts distort the past, can rob you of your presence in the now, and even derail one's future.

Some would label these as the leftovers of toxic relationships or events.

I shy away from the word TOXIC. I don't like it and associate that with far more serious issues.

Oh, I'm not saying that these ghosts can't be serious. But I just can't put them into the same realm as toxicity: poison....life threatening crud.

So, as I have lived my life and kept this blog -- nearly 10 years -- I've had my share of ghosts. It seems like just as I get rid of one set of them, another set rises up to take their place. It's frustrating. But I keep moving forward.

Such is the case in my life now.

You see, I have had such a rotten track record when it comes to relationships. My first got killed. My second ended after 26 years (Lovey). MY third was a man I care for over the span of 12 years. Then there was Steven for all of three months. Now I have the man who I refer to as the "Baby Gay -- BG" in my life.

He is the first man I've ever had in my life who is TOTALLY free to be involved in a relationship. He's not married and trying to live a gay life in the shadows. I'm not married. I'm finally comfortable being who I am. I've wanted to have someone in my life to love forever. And now I have one who has made it clear that he loves me and wants it for the long haul....

So this has given rise to my latest infestation of ghosts.

Ghosts of Fear....am I good enough?

Ghosts of Failure....um...my track record sucks big time....how do I know this will work?

Ghosts of Past Sexual Escapades with other men that I thought were the ones. Am I really monogamous?

Ghosts of Being Needy. Is this only because he is expressing deep interest and I'm vulnerable.

Ghosts of Trust. Is he for real?

These all make for quite a nest of 'em. I'm sure there are tons of others. But I'm working to exorcise them. I'm trying to relax...and enjoy each day as it comes.

I spent this entire New Year's Weekend with BG. It was even more powerful than the one in Myrtle Beach.

Today I'm missing him desperately. I get misty when I think of him.

I hope he is the one....we will see.





Wednesday, December 23, 2015

The Holidays

Since Mom and Dad's passing in 2010 and 2011, the holidays have been very bittersweet for me. As I've gotten older, sadly I've learned what a spoiled brat I was, and still am to a certain degree. I'm an only child, and yes there are times when I still want everything to be all about me.

Me, me, me!

But I've also grown up to the knowledge that I'm not a selfish jerk...and as much as I want it to, the world is just not going to revolve just around me.

So, I've made it my life's mission to try and focus on others first. To make sure of their happiness. Their comfort. Their needs. In doing so, my needs are always met.

Today is my last day in the office until Monday. I have a lot of stuff to do next week and so while everyone else is on holiday, hopefully I can get all that stuff done.

I've spent a lot of time thinking as I prepared for this Christmas. I'm very happy that I get to spend time with all my children. The grandkids sadly will be with their respective mothers this year. So it will be me and my children. ALL of them. Lovey will be swooping through a considerable amount of time. So my family will all be together. The original 5 of us. Like it used to be when we were young.

Life was a bit less complicated in some ways....but then I suffered from the complication of a life in the closet. What a struggle that was and it clouded everything including the joy of parenting small children.

But I'm thankful that life for me is in a more settled place. But I still grow wistful on holidays such as this. I remember the past. I remember people.

But I'm so thankful for all the people I still have.



And, my, haven't we come a long way.

Lovey and I are "friendly."

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Moving On (AGAIN!)

It's amazing how just when you think you have things all figured out, you have that long awaited special man in your life, you're happy and all is right with the world, it all comes to a crashing halt!!! Such is my life....or should I say my dating life.

My life is like a very busy airport....people coming into my life....people leaving my life....and there are all those gazillion others who are moving around in my life in one state or another. Romances this year have been how I would describe as several "near misses." Each of those were wonderful for the brief time I had with them. Some were far more wonderful than others. But they all crashed and burned for multitudes of reasons. One ended our "friendship" because his wife found out. Another ended because he was into women and could not stop talking about all their hot body parts. The Colonel preferred an abusive arrangement with his wife. And then there was Steven.

My relationship with him lasted for nearly four months. He had the charm....he had the looks.....he had the right mix of spirituality...compassion....gentleness...and all the other things that make for the foundation of a possible LTR. He freely talked about all this. He told me that I was everything he had ever hoped to find in an eligible gay guy. He also said that I had treated him far better than any other relationship he had ever been in including with his wife of 16 years.

It didn't take long for him to totally melt my heart. He told me he loved me. He told me all kinds of things that led me to believe this could be the real deal.

But as with all of us, he had some considerable baggage--baggage that I worked to overlook. But in the end, it was too much for him...and he chose to pull the plug....appropriately on Pearl Harbor Day.

Needless to say, I've been somewhat devastated by this turn of events. Long time readers of this blog will remember all the times I've spent looking for the one....and each time...something happens from left field that ultimately undoes all the good that has developed.

That happened here.

I could sense he was having some issues....but I told him I would give him the space necessary for him to chart the right navigation for him. We each expressed confidence in our love for the other.

Still as time neared the end, I sensed it coming. In my home town I had a friend that had recently come out. I refer to him as a "Baby Gay". I told him the whole story with Steven...and he offered valuable insight. We spent many hours talking about it. He was a strong sounding board and offered a bit of comfort.

When the bottom dropped out on 12/7; it was this man I called to cry on his shoulder. I needed someone to chat with....to vent....to express hurt....to express frustration....to express the bitterness I felt.

He listened.

I had a longstanding trip to Myrtle Beach scheduled for this past weekend. Given the funk I was in, I shuddered at the thought of going alone. My hometown friend announced that he would come too. He said he needed time away...we could hang out and have some fun.

And boy, did we! We shared the same interest in music, in films, in going shopping for the holidays, doing dumb things like going to the light show at my favorite place on earth: Brookgreen Gardens. We even drove down to Charleston SC and toured Fort Sumter.

Things have begun percolating -- I suppose it's nature "taking its course." But I'm afraid. Afraid to say I'm in love. Afraid to be in a relationship. Afraid to let go to see where this all leads.

But it feels so right. He treats me so well.

Returning the two hours from Charleston to Myrtle Beach, he had his wonderful hand wrapped around mine. It felt so good. So natural.

Today he has texted me a million times. I never tire from hearing from him. He said that he "lost it when I left to where you couldn't see....I really like you a lot....I just can't believe how wonderful you are."

And so this is where I am as I negotiate the cusp of a new year.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Simple Pleasure

This weekend has been rather quiet, last Thursday I had my final cataract removed. It has been awesome to finally be able to see with both eyes reasonably well and to just be aware of the world around me. I'm so taken by the beautiful colors I'm surrounded by and so thankful that I'm able to see it again...especially when there was a period of time not long ago that I was afraid I would be blind forever.

On top of this, the poor eyesight played a huge factor in my loss of self-confidence. I couldn't drive. I honestly think it played a huge factor in my lack of esteem in the dating realm too. I couldn't see when men were expressing interest orr I missed cues that told me otherwise.

It was just a sad existence. I couldn't read. While I could watch TV, it was frustrating because it was like watching it through a very dirty and smudged window

Needless to say I am overjoyed.

Yesterday morning, Steven came over. Our schedules have been wacky, but yesterday turned out to be a very special day with him that taught me some valuable things. First, I was really glad to see him. When the doorbell rang and I could see this tall and beautiful man in his pale yellow polo shirt (my favorite) exhibiting that magnificent chest....aw I melted. Not from wanton lust...not from the carnal perspective. But, rather, it was from a place of genuine affection. I think my heart nearly went in to a-fib at the sight of this beautiful man.

Through the glass of the storm door, there he was, with his cute, boyish grin. I opened the door...and allowed him to come in.....shut it behind him...and there he was! I grabbed him...he grabbed me and kissed me tenderly. Then he held me close.

It was a very special moment.

I ushered him to the living room...and we cuddled on the couch and caught up...in between hugs, squeezes, and an occasional kiss.

We then drove to my church. It was his first time. It was my first time to attend with a special man. I didn't know quite how to act. I felt like a giddy teenager. I introduced him to several of my friends. Some of the ladies at my church whispered their approval.

We wandered into the sanctuary and found a seat. During the service, Steven would reach over and take my hand...give i a squeeze....then just tenderly hold it. Somewhere during the sermon, his hand released and his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me in close to him and there I was nestled into Steven's side. I felt like a dead battery that had just been put into a recharging unit...and I felt that surge...of reconstituted and refreshed energy.

Following the service, we decided to drive from Fairfax, VA into Washington DC to check out the National Gallery of Art. The boy knows his art...and I marveled at his knowledge and all that he taught me.

After several hours, we grew hungry. We found food and got a perfect table where we could sit and talk privately.

Keep in mind, dear friends, that dating is new to me. The only person I have ever dated was Lovey.

In gay terms, I come from a background of where guys want to first get naked, do the deed, get dressed and then, if you're lucky, they want to get to know you.

With Steven there is indeed a sexual chemistry. It transcends the "white hot" boiling chemistry that marks so many gay "relationships."

What we have surpasses all that. It has depth. It has all the traits of being something to last over the long haul.

We sat for an hour...and we talked about many issues. He even covered issues he said later, that were truly things he has never been able to discuss with anyone else. I did he same.

He and I met over 1 month ago. This is different, something real, warm and personal ignited. Sitting with him and talking about his hopes and dreams....and sharing my hopes and dreams -- all feel like coming home.

I'm enjoying the simple pleasures of the ride. Aw...the destination will take care of itself.

I am so thankful to have this beautiful man in my life.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Recovering

Greetings all!

Things have been quite busy at my house the last couple of weeks. Unexpectedly, my cataract surgery was bumped up several weeks to this past Thursday. I had all kinds of medical appointments to attend to and trying to get work done at my office so that I could be off due to my recovery period. On top of this, I got notice that I needed to have a home appraisal done, so that I can refinance my mortgage to 3.7% from 8.5%. Simply amazing. So the appraisal got done yesterday. (We finished some renovations a week ago that make the house really stand tall.) The appraiser commented on how beautiful the house is so that makes me feel great.

On the dating front, I'm still with Steven. We communicate several times every day. Tomorrow I get to spend some significant time with him in person. He says he is coming to my church...and then we're going to do lunch....then perhaps a movie...or some cuddle time. Who knows?

Having this wonderful person in my life has taught me several things. I don't feel that furtive need to find a sex partner. I don't feel the need to go to those sex parties. I've even toyed with the idea of deleting my Match.Com profile, my Sulverdaddies profile, my SCRUFF, GRINDR, and GROWLR accounts...and most of all the Daddy Hunt one.

There is just no need...not with this wonderful man in my life.

My hormonal urges appear in check. I now wake up in the morning and really feel like I matter to one other person on the planet. So, God knows. It has been a very long night of loneliness, longing...and deep need.

I think those days are over. My health has taken a turn for the better...my sugars are improved....my A1C readings are great.....and my cataracts are history. I can see!

Please keep the positive energy flowing in my direction....and keep those prayers coming.

Frank is very happy!

Monday, September 14, 2015

And Now For Some Really Good News...

Some of you have been quite critical of me lately. I've received some mild "nasty grams" concerning my whining about my lack of love....some of you have made me feel like a piece of pond scum because of my descriptions of attending sex parties, and then I've been criticized for "deceiving my wife" about my gayness....and then trying to have my "cake and eating it too." The list goes on and on and on.

So, as I have said from the outset of this blog, its purpose is not to make me look good. It's not to airbrush me into some unrecognizable giant of perfection. I try to be honest here...and sometimes it ain't pretty.

This blog has also taught me that I can't make everyone happy....and its' purpose is not to do that. It's just the story of my journey. Take it or leave it. I'm a big boy and will cope somehow if you choose to leave.

And Now For Some Really Good News...

On August 22, I met a guy. His name is Steven. When I met him, I just assumed it was just one of those meetings where everyone is pleasant and kind.... He asked for my telephone number and I gave it to him.

God knows I have done that a few times! All to no avail.

So, all this is translated into the feeling that it was good while it lasted....but he's never gonna call or text.

Wrong!

We met up on Labor Day Weekend and spent a hunk of time together. I took him to dinner. Then things kind of took a different turn. He became a bit vulnerable and told me of some of his hurts and failures. He shared with me his hopes and dreams.

Something clicked somewhere deep inside me.

Now remember, I'm jaded. I've been around the block several hundred times. I'm the pond scum that goes to the sex parties. I've been vilified for having a profile on MATCH.COM. Told I was too old for Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, and MRX. I've whined and cried about how lonely I am....and how much I want someone to love.

And sitting across from me is the beautiful hunk of man....being all vulnerable and explaining that he's afraid to let his guard down.

Boy, I can relate to that one.

Dinner lasted for quite some time. I hung on every word.

By the end of the evening I was smitten. AND...apparently there were some stirrings deep with in him as well.

After that evening, there has been daily contact. Calls, texts, emails.

On Friday evening, he wrote such a beautiful email to me, that it brought tears to my eyes. It was just that profound. Several emails that evening. Then a final text.

"Hey, would you go with me hiking this weekend?"

"Yes, of course!" I said.

So plans were made. I met him at the appointed spot at 9am on Sunday morning. There he was. Nice t-shirt...exhibiting his wonderful chest. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. He approached me. He's a bit taller than me....and he wrapped his big arms around me....drew me to that wonderful chest....then lifted my chin up to look into his eyes....and he put me in a tight, passionate lip lock....right there in the parking lot...in front of God, the deer, the squirrels, and everybody else.

We commenced our hike. He held my hand. Every so often he would stop, turn to me and wrap me in those massive hugs.....and another massive lip lock.

Finally we found a quiet spot....by a small lake.... A nice bench. We cuddled up close. Held hands.... Like going through the many layers of an onion, he began to reveal himself. I did the same....and we sat there basking in the wonder of it all for a solid hour. We shared a kiss or two....holding hands.....arm around each other in a tender embrace.

There were no blow jobs in the weeds. No humping in the forest.

Just two men walking together side by side and expressing deep simple affection. Getting to know each other on a very intimate level.

It's one thing to have fireworks in the sack....but for me, the true gauge of a relationship or a potential relationship is what happens when you're not in bed.

In this case, it was the world series...and the home team scored nothing but home runs.

After we parted some 4 miles later....and we'd both gotten home, he wrote me.... He referred to me as his boyfriend.

"Did you really mean to say that?" (This was because he said that he wanted to move slow...) He wrote back, "I did. And I meant it, so there!"

This was music to my ears.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Aging

So, the past year has been a struggle for me physically. Age is definitely beginning to catch up with me. My diabetes has always been a concern, but unbeknownst to me, it facilitates the growth of cataracts!

Who knew?

And the worst part is that cataracts take time to develop generally at a snail's pace. BUT diabetes vastly accelerates their development. It has been totally scary to be blinded by them and not be able to see like I used to. Finally, earlier this month, I had one eye done and I am able to SEE! I'm amazed at how colorful the world is. It's kind of like viewing the world in high def.

The doctor told me that my other eye is on the verge of losing sight because of the cataract. He said that I was seeing through a pin hole and it was amazing that I could see as well as I did. He expected it to be shut off two months ago. Well, now that I have my one eye back to normal....the event happened such that I can't see through that eye.

Its very disconcerting. But I'm working to remain positive in spite of things. The surgical coordinator at the doctor's office will make arrangement for the surgery next week when she returns from vacation.

So stay tuned! Keep the positive energy flowing in my direction!