Thoughts on a Snowy Day
I am doing well. I've made a conscious effort to put myself out "there" and actively and aggressively dating. In this exercise I have met some wonderful men...but sadly, I've not found any who were of the bf variety. For whatever reason it appears that I only attract the following types:
1. Married men on the "down low". Although some of these guys are real gems, all they want is naked romps in the hay. I'm getting too old and too tired for this type of activity.
2. Married men, out to their wives. Wives hate them for it. Wives make their lives hell for the most part. They have allegiances to her. "I owe her everything," they say. But in the end, they aren't really willing to just end the marriage because one word from her and the childrem will be forever alienated from them. Still their insatiable sex drives compel them to seek out willing partners. This cloak and dagger aspect and the fact that I would be someone's dirty little secret also make me tired. Not into that either.
3. Gay men in loveless partnerships/sexless marriages or longterm relationships. They in essence can't commit to a new relationship, but like sex......see items 1 & 2.
4. The single guys who will send me the nicest responses to my ads on Match.com and other dating sites. They begin with all moonlight, roses, and warm puppy discussions. When I respond, their next question is: "Are you generous?" or "Will you be my sugar daddy?" Immediate switch off and block feature activated.
5. The single guys who spend time schedule meeting after meeting...only to have "the dog ate my homework" kind of moments. In other words these are the no shows. So, I've been burned a few times.
Given all that....I think I have given up on ever finding a man to truly love me.
Oddly after all this time. I'm pretty okay with this development.
You see, I've been on this journey for quite a while now since the divorce from Lovey. It has been long.....twists and turns. Think roller coaster, with twists, turns, euphoric climbs and stomach churning drops. I've explored. I've seen the seamy underbelly of the gay world. I've explored the sex clubs, the orgies, the three ways, and all the sex a guy could handle.
I've learned my likes and dislikes.
I've learned that sex without any emotional context is mechanical at best. Empty in the end at most.
The man that I have referred to earlier....my long time love that was with me for 12 years...and because of my divorce and who "loved me enough to let me go" because I was single and deserved a fulltime love, has now found love with another single man, who keeps checking out my match.com profile.
It's all rather disheartening.
However, in discussing my lack of love and the perils of gay male dating, I've been assure that what I am experiencing is not much different from that which my nearly 30 year old twin daughters are experiencing in the straight dating world. As I've told to them, their mother was the only person I ever dated....so my only context is the gay male dating scene.
So, here I sit, on this cold snowy day in Washington, D.C. -- contemplating my existence. I'm thankful for all my blessings. Hoping for a better tomorrow
In the back of my mind, I hope love finds me.
I'm tired of looking.