Thursday, June 25, 2015

Frank Just Said No...

It's either feast or famine with me. Sometimes I go weeks and week without any folks contacting me from my postings on the dating sites....and then for no real reason it turns into a feast! Of late, it seems that I am totally inundated with offers from guys (and some gals) saying that I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. They say how "perfect" I am and that they have been looking for me for a long time....or that they are "my man."

I'm beginning to see each of these responses as "red flags."

Yesterday I got one of those responses. He has lived here for 12 years.....he's a native of Ireland. He was 34 years old. He asked for me to swap pictures with him. He swapped first...and then I sent mine. He was cute...and dapper. Works in finance like I do. We have much in common and he loves older men. He made mention that he thought this stemmed from the lack of a father in his growing up years. But we didn't talk much about that.

He invited me to lunch at a public restaurant. Everything appeared to be good...but...

In the midst of our meal, he announced to me that he wanted me to know that he was married. He's been married for 12 years...and that is why he moved here.

So, given my experiences of the last week or so...I went into quasi attack mode. I pointed out that I had said up front what I was looking for and having a married lover on the side was not on my list!

Even though he was well built.....a kind and gentle way.....and somewhat sincere, the deal breaker was that he is a very married man with no plans to leave his wife.

I asked him why he responded to my profile. He said he like my pictures and that my profile read very well and came across as sincere.

I said, "It was sincere...I'm sincere."

Then he begged me to take him someplace....and "let's get naked. I want you to hold me."

I respectfully declined.

We departed and went our separate ways.

Frank just said no!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

And So It Goes...

I'm still reeling from yesterday's rejection. You'd think I'd be used to it by now for goodness' sake. But I made the mistake of letting my guard down...and believing the stuff he told me. He would have been perfect. He was in my age range. Former military. Works at the Pentagon. Cute. Available. A man of faith. All the stuff that I'm looking for...and I feel "snookered."

Dating is interesting. I feel so dumb about it and totally inept. I tend to accept people for their face value. I try to see the best in them...and overlook their flaws. Perhaps I am gullible. Perhaps I'm too trusting. It seems that I run two risks here: if I'm cautious...it will be interpreted as being cold and aloof and they will think I'm not interested. If I'm too relaxed, I give in and then appear easy.

There has got to be a middle ground.

But as time goes on, I feel as though I'm vulnerable to situations such as this one. I want a relationship so bad, I may fall for the first thing that comes along....

To add additional frustration to my plight, I received three separate responses this week to my posting on Match.com. What frustrated me was the fact that these were all women who liked my ad....and my selection of pictures. They hadn't noticed that I'm gay. If only I were straight, apparently I'd have not problem finding a compatible partner. SIGH

But I'm gay as a goose! I don't want to fall into the trap of immediately falling for the first man that shows interest. This latest experience with the man I did on Thursday has alerted me to my overall state of vulnerability.

Perhaps the one option is the most obvious undesirable one: just be single. I'm there already. I just need to suck it up.

And so it goes...

Rejection #3000! (LOL)

Oh I don't know if I have truly been rejected that many times....but sometimes like today, it sure feels that way.

Today's is one of those where things appear to be going super well....and then something from LEFT FIELD ambushes you and you feel like crap! They give you an excuse that sound like something akin to "The Dog ate my homework!"

Last Thursday I met a man who had responded to one of my postings for a LTR. He said that he was a man of faith and that he was looking for what I'm looking for. So he wanted me to come to his hotel(Mistake #1) to talk and get to know each other. I asked him to meet out front. So we sat and chatted. Seemed like a great man. He suggested we move into his room where we could talk more privately. (Mistake #2). We talked for another hour. It was time for me to leave...and as I started for the door. He hugged me. He kissed me. (Mistake #3) And then...the fireworks really ignited. (Mistake #4).

He had said he was relocating to this area. He'd be here in three weeks. Wanted to know if I would do dinner with him...and I said sure. I told him that I enjoyed meeting him. I hoped he would keep in touch.... He promised he would.

Today I got this email from him.

“Frank, Thank you for the other evening,the conversation really helped me. I appreciated your honesty and passion. You reminded me of a family friend, your mannerisms and personality are identical – the only problem is that person rubs me the wrong way. I thought I could get past it, but it was right there top of mind and made an awkward situation worse. I wanted to write you to assure you that I was not one of those guys you have experienced in the past. I wanted to take some time and really think about it and its something that is a deal breaker for me. I thank you again for taking the timeand coming to meet with me. It was most helpful. I think for now I am going to stay in the closet and not change anything. God Bless.”

Sigh...so I don't know what to think.

Part of me wants to reply in some manner....another part of me just want to go silent and let him wonder.

Rejection #3000 has completed.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Father's Day 2015

Many of my gay friends find it interesting that I was in a "straight" marriage for over 25 years. They want to focus on the drama...the hurt....the depression....the thoughts of suicide -- all the negatives.

Their number one question is always, "If you could, and you could live your life over again, would you change it?"

In some respects I think I might...but then there is one aspect I would never, ever want to change...and that is the fact that I am the father of three wonderful human beings that would not have been here had I not married their mother on that crisp late autumn day in December 1981. If there could be a way for me to still have my children...but not have to contend with the drama involving Lovey...then, most definitely, I would make serious changes.

Like what?

Well, I would not have looked upon my gayness as an affliction or a curse. I would not have beat myself up and felt like such a sinner. I would have taken better care of myself...physically and emotionally. I would have fallen in love...perhaps committed to a good guy and just lived my days out quietly. I would not have allowed a pastor to take advantage of me sexually and then have him ban me from church. He was then "called" to the mission field overseas 3 weeks later. (I swear, I'm amazed that I still have a faith to cling to.)

At my current age, I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage. I mean, at the age of 57, the pool of possible men to date (which was already small to begin with) is starting to dwindle. I mean, who is going to find a 57 year old man with silver hair, diabetes, and high blood pressure, desirable? I try to keep an open mind...and remain positive...but with each passing day, it becomes increasingly discouraging.

So, I can't go back and change the unfortunate circumstances and drama that composed my life. The angst of coming out. The insecurities. The low self-esteem.

But I can thank God for allowing me to experience these negatives because I think the ending result is a deeply caring man who can empathize. A man that has an unfathomable reservoir of love for people. A man of deep faith. A gay man that has a virtually untapped capacity to love just one man.

I've landed on my feet. I have three wonderful children and three grandchildren. No regrets or concerns.

A number of my gay friends tell me that I am very blessed to have children...because the vast majority of them wanted children. Now that they are older, and their partners have passed away or they went through painful breakups, they now find themselves painfully alone.

I don't want to be alone emotionally. I need to have one person that I can share my love with. Unashamedly. Passionately. Bring him into my family. For him to experience the joy and drama of my children. For him to be my family.

The hunger I have for companionship comes from the fact that my own father died 4 years ago. As Father's Day dawned this year, I was thinking of him and my mother. As an only child, I feel like an orphan now that both are gone. It can be a very lonely place.

It would be nice to have a hand to hold....or a chest to burrow into at times like this. But I don't have that...and so I must continue forward.

I have children who depend upon me. I'm their Father and it's Father's Day 2015.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

My Fantasy

It has been a quiet weekend here in Northern Virginia. My daughter who lives with me is in Nashville spending time with her twin sister. They just celebrated their 31st birthday, and so they love being together. Old dad here gets to spend some quality alone time.

As a man of faith, I've used quite a bit of this time to reflect and think about where I've come from, and think of those things that I wish to attain yet in the time I have remaining on this planet.

If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that my faith is an important part of who I am. It has seen me through some very difficult, emotional times...and it's always there even in the best of times.

So, I'm a bit surprised by what I'm feeling these days. So if you're reading this, I'd appreciate your prayers, your good thoughts...your positive energy all flowing in my direction.

I'm going through a time of tremendous discouragement. I feel stuck. I feel adrift. I feel like I have no one to turn to. So here goes.

For six years, I've been talking to God about finding a mate. But it feels as though the heavens are brass and that perhaps my prayers are not being heard. I've met many, many, wonderful men....but nothing ever happens. I feel like I am the eternal best friend. (Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! LOL!)

Are my standards too high? At age 57, do I have delusions of grandeur that someone will be attracted to the likes of me? Am I ugly? Am I too fat? Am I doing something wrong?

At my age I've come to the following conclusions:

If I meet someone and tell him that he is really something or put together real nicely, I'm perceived as being desperate.

If I complain or express frustrations about not having someone to love and to grow old with, I'm perceived as wearing my feelings on my sleeve.

If I appear appear friendly, self-confident, and happy, I'm perceived as being "fiercely independent" and not needing anyone.

Finally, if I'm tongue tied or shy upon meeting someone who I find attractive or in new social situations, I'm perceived as being cold and aloof.

In other words, I can't be truly me without people jumping to conclusions that are inaccurate.

You see, I'm a normal red blooded American gay guy. There are guys who I find really attractive. I find myself wanting to introduce myself. Some who have gone through a lot, I'd love to be able to run up to them and wrap my arms around them and say -- "You know....I could really care for you and help you through this!" But, if I did, they'd run for the hills for sure.

I've met men who I know would be perfect for me. But they are partnered or married or..have these visions of finding a boyfriend who looks like something from a porn flick. This is their goal for having a boy friend. Only later, after they've moved out of the area, they contact me and say "Gee, Frank...you are the greatest guy and I'm sorry that I didn't pursue you when I had the chance!" It's like they finally woke up.

Do I need to wave a banner that says "I'm what you've been looking for! I'm Here!"?

I am constantly working to improve myself. I believe that I'm a good guy. I'm halfway attractive. I'm not porn star material and do not strive to be so. I'm successful. I've got adult kids I've got grandchildren. I have my own home. I have a great job. I surround myself with great friends. So, what's the problem?

My fantasy...

Since I was married for such a long time to someone who never showed me love...but weather, made me feel like a cross between Daddy Warlocks and Six Month Old...bottom of the freezer leftovers, I want to feel like I matter to someone else on the planet. Oh, I have my children and I know I matter to them. But I'm talking about a romantic partner. Someone who will call me up in the middle of the day to say hello and let me know they are thinking of me. I'm looking for someone who is kind...loving....reasonably attractive. Successful in their own right. Someone who may have had his own share of hard knocks and hurts and failures who would appreciate a kind and strong presence in his life. To share a warm hug. A tender kiss. Broad shoulders to cry on. A good hand to hold. A person to make love to... Someone who is a bit old fashioned when it comes to romance. A love of family and of God. A great sense of humor. Someone who is not afraid to laugh. Someone who is not afraid to cry. Someone who is not afraid to communicate. Someone who is not ashamed to get naked and let his warts show (literally and figuratively). Someone who is not afraid to let the world know who he loves A person who is not afraid to be himself. A man who accepts me as I am and does not have a list of changes he wants me to make.

I think you get the idea of what I'm longing for. This seems like a tall order...and I'm discouraged because it feels like a needle in the haystack kind of search. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong haystack!

How do I find this man? Does he even exist? or is he just my fantasy?

Friday, June 19, 2015

My Quest

As an out and proud gay man, I've certainly encountered some interesting people. I've talked to people who are straight who really don't "get it" that there are men who are alive and well that do not get aroused by some beautiful, blonde voluptuous female. Others like to make grand pronouncements about how being gay is not "God's Plan" for humanity. They think that the whole purpose of physical intimacy is for procreation and, well, because two males can't procreate, this somehow negates the entire relationship.

Then there are men, like one I work with, who seems totally fixated on certain aspects of gay relationships. This guy goes into really deep descriptions of certain body parts fitting into other body parts that weren't designed to be put together and how it makes him to want to throw up!

I think he protests way too much...and is too fixated on the activities that two men can share.

I've never quite understood what the hangup is about sex. Gay sex....straight sex.....or basically the concept of two people who like to get naked and please another person. After all, everyone alive or who has ever lived, is the product of people who have partaken of this activity. AND everyone who is alive, enjoys having physical intimacy of some kind...but some, especially, church people pretend that they have begotten children via some sort of miraculous birth process or immaculate conception.

I've just never understood that concept.

As a young teenager, I remember feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was changing....and I started noticing members of my own gender. Certain of these guys would cause certain physical reactions. I felt dirty. I felt abnormal. But I noticed that I was actually no different in feeling the way I did, from how my other friends' were feeling about a "stacked" girl in our class. They would actually be quite graphic about what they'd love to do with her if they could only be naked with her. The only difference was that I didn't feel the liberty to express what I'd like to do with that hunky football player in the corner! LOL.

It was also during this time that I totally immersed myself in church work to curb my terrible thought life. I mean, the hormones were uncontrollable....and I walked with a permanent erection....it was stressful trying to conceal it. My goodness.

However, I was a member of a very fundamental Pentecostal denomination. (The Church of God, Cleveland, TN) During those years, it taught that there would be no mixed bathing.... Only boys could swim with boys...and girls could swim with girls. I thought it odd...that here I was...a gay man....having to swim with other men that I was attracted to....but men attracted to girls couldn't swim with them because it was evil! LOL.

It seemed that there was just this preoccupation with sex among the adults...and they would tell us how evil and sinful it was...but on Sunday, we'd here how beautiful sex was between a man and a woman "on the marital bed."

About this time of the year annually, we had a state "CampMeeting" usually at the state headquarters. Groups from each local church would attend for Bible Study....rip roaring evening services, with different manifestations of the spirit...miracles....and the like. But always in the back of the meeting place, the church book store would set up shop....and invariably there there were always books about sex....with pictures! During prayer I'd be looking through the books and learning about various positions for intimacy!

So, at this stage of my life...I finally understand that I'm gay. I understand that God loves me. He created me just as I am. He has also given me a tremendous gift. That is, the very strong and infinite ability to love someone of my own gender without shame....without guilt......and to love them unconditionally....fully....passionately. He has allowed me several opportunities to do so....and I can say that I understand how it is all meant to be for me.

But there are just so many folks with hangups....and strange ideas. They're consumed with guilt. Yet they hunger for naked, physical intimacy with another adult.

I hurt for those people.

But I guess each person is on their own journey to personal growth.

But I'm so thankful that I have grown... I just long for one special man. When I find him...you will here me laugh from the rafters....my joy will overflow. That's my quest.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

And Then There is (was) Zach...

Long time readers of this blog will recall that during the course of all the entries, I've discussed a man I call Zach. Zach, at the time, was the love of my life. He was married, as was I...the wives knew...and supported each other's presence in their husband's lives.

I never wrote much about him -- at his request...but it was a very sweet relationship and it lasted for many years! It ended when my divorce happened....because he felt we were out of synch... So over my protestations it ended. So in the spate of a few months, I lost my wife...and him. All this loss nearly put me under....but I buoyed to the surface....and survived.

He and I have maintained a warm relationship since. Not as close as before....but there are mutual feelings of affection and warmth that have endured the breakup. It even survived with the entrance of his new guy.

Still, I find that I care for this guy....although I keep a very respectful distance from him in social situations. We would see each other very frequently in a social organization we're both members of...until recently.

Something has happened now that has taken him from this organization....and it bothers me. I don't know why I should be bothered by it. His choices are his own. His life is his own. Something does not feel right in this departure. Perhaps its the strangeness of not getting to at least see him from afar...and to know that he is doing well. Perhaps its the uncertainty of not knowing whether I will see him ever again. You see, I have no reasons to cross paths with him now.

Is it mourning the finality of my loss of him. Gosh it has been many years...10 in fact, since the divorce/separation.

Am I codependent in some sort of weird way?

Aw...I'm trying to suck it up...and to realize that people come and go in our lives. Some departures are good. They provide a much needed respite from unnecessary drama they inflict on our lives. Others are painful...their departure cuts like a knife.....where you feel like your guts are going to explode. You wonder if you can handle the pain...

And then there is (was) Zach....

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

The Creep

As I have wondered through the merry world of gay male dating, I'm totally dumbfounded at the number of sick puppies that are in the ranks. Clearly, they have suffered some sort of trauma that has led them to act out in rather unhelpful ways. So about two weeks ago, I heard from such a man.

I'll call him THE CREEP or TC for short.

He wrote in response to my profile post on Match.Com. I have several photos posted there and I have an extensive description of what I'm looking for in a suitable mate. I DO NOT aggressively search those profiles and try to contact folks I think are interesting. I let them come to me...and figure if they are serious they will. Perhaps if I were more aggressive, I would have more success...but for now, I'm content for those who wish to contact me to do so.

TC wrote on an early Saturday morning. His note of introduction read:

"If you serious and can only catch for me then I am interested. Please let me know because no one ever seems to tell the truth on this site."

This should have tipped me off....but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and proceeded to chat cautiously.

Over the course of the conversation I learned that he was eight years younger than me. I found that he was a mechanical engineer and he owned his own home in a nearby jurisdiction. He kept saying that he wanted me to have his "milk"....and that once he gave it to me either through sex or orally, I was his. So when someone is talking this way over and over....and over and over.....this is really a bit offputting.

So, I ran a little experiment.

I decided to see just how serious this man was. He kept saying things like, I need to know that you are really serious and that you will be true only to me if I give myself to you.

So having heard this for the millionth time...I wrote back to him to say that I expected the same from him....and that "you will only be true to me" if I am intimate with you.

LOL.

Wouldn't you know...NO RESPONSE.

So, TC is history. Although an attractive man....the feeling of dependent ownership scares me.

This reminds me of the other guy years ago who announced his undying love to me and his fedlity....and that we'd full around like bunnies when I was with him and going to the store...and doing other mundane tasks like emptying the garbage. The clincher to that one was when he said that he couldn't wait to share an erotic bowel movement with me!

Another story for another day.

No wonder I'm not looking.