It has been a quiet weekend here in Northern Virginia. My daughter who lives with me is in Nashville spending time with her twin sister. They just celebrated their 31st birthday, and so they love being together. Old dad here gets to spend some quality alone time.
As a man of faith, I've used quite a bit of this time to reflect and think about where I've come from, and think of those things that I wish to attain yet in the time I have remaining on this planet.
If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that my faith is an important part of who I am. It has seen me through some very difficult, emotional times...and it's always there even in the best of times.
So, I'm a bit surprised by what I'm feeling these days. So if you're reading this, I'd appreciate your prayers, your good thoughts...your positive energy all flowing in my direction.
I'm going through a time of tremendous discouragement. I feel stuck. I feel adrift. I feel like I have no one to turn to. So here goes.
For six years, I've been talking to God about finding a mate. But it feels as though the heavens are brass and that perhaps my prayers are not being heard. I've met many, many, wonderful men....but nothing ever happens. I feel like I am the eternal best friend. (Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! LOL!)
Are my standards too high? At age 57, do I have delusions of grandeur that someone will be attracted to the likes of me? Am I ugly? Am I too fat? Am I doing something wrong?
At my age I've come to the following conclusions:
If I meet someone and tell him that he is really something or put together real nicely, I'm perceived as being desperate.
If I complain or express frustrations about not having someone to love and to grow old with, I'm perceived as wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
If I appear appear friendly, self-confident, and happy, I'm perceived as being "fiercely independent" and not needing anyone.
Finally, if I'm tongue tied or shy upon meeting someone who I find attractive or in new social situations, I'm perceived as being cold and aloof.
In other words, I can't be truly me without people jumping to conclusions that are inaccurate.
You see, I'm a normal red blooded American gay guy. There are guys who I find really attractive. I find myself wanting to introduce myself. Some who have gone through a lot, I'd love to be able to run up to them and wrap my arms around them and say -- "You know....I could really care for you and help you through this!" But, if I did, they'd run for the hills for sure.
I've met men who I know would be perfect for me. But they are partnered or married or..have these visions of finding a boyfriend who looks like something from a porn flick. This is their goal for having a boy friend. Only later, after they've moved out of the area, they contact me and say "Gee, Frank...you are the greatest guy and I'm sorry that I didn't pursue you when I had the chance!" It's like they finally woke up.
Do I need to wave a banner that says "I'm what you've been looking for! I'm Here!"?
I am constantly working to improve myself. I believe that I'm a good guy. I'm halfway attractive. I'm not porn star material and do not strive to be so. I'm successful. I've got adult kids I've got grandchildren. I have my own home. I have a great job. I surround myself with great friends. So, what's the problem?
Since I was married for such a long time to someone who never showed me love...but weather, made me feel like a cross between Daddy Warlocks and Six Month Old...bottom of the freezer leftovers, I want to feel like I matter to someone else on the planet. Oh, I have my children and I know I matter to them. But I'm talking about a romantic partner. Someone who will call me up in the middle of the day to say hello and let me know they are thinking of me. I'm looking for someone who is kind...loving....reasonably attractive. Successful in their own right. Someone who may have had his own share of hard knocks and hurts and failures who would appreciate a kind and strong presence in his life. To share a warm hug. A tender kiss. Broad shoulders to cry on. A good hand to hold. A person to make love to... Someone who is a bit old fashioned when it comes to romance. A love of family and of God. A great sense of humor. Someone who is not afraid to laugh. Someone who is not afraid to cry. Someone who is not afraid to communicate. Someone who is not ashamed to get naked and let his warts show (literally and figuratively). Someone who is not afraid to let the world know who he loves A person who is not afraid to be himself. A man who accepts me as I am and does not have a list of changes he wants me to make.
I think you get the idea of what I'm longing for. This seems like a tall order...and I'm discouraged because it feels like a needle in the haystack kind of search. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong haystack!
How do I find this man? Does he even exist? or is he just my fantasy?