Monday, September 28, 2015

Simple Pleasure

This weekend has been rather quiet, last Thursday I had my final cataract removed. It has been awesome to finally be able to see with both eyes reasonably well and to just be aware of the world around me. I'm so taken by the beautiful colors I'm surrounded by and so thankful that I'm able to see it again...especially when there was a period of time not long ago that I was afraid I would be blind forever.

On top of this, the poor eyesight played a huge factor in my loss of self-confidence. I couldn't drive. I honestly think it played a huge factor in my lack of esteem in the dating realm too. I couldn't see when men were expressing interest orr I missed cues that told me otherwise.

It was just a sad existence. I couldn't read. While I could watch TV, it was frustrating because it was like watching it through a very dirty and smudged window

Needless to say I am overjoyed.

Yesterday morning, Steven came over. Our schedules have been wacky, but yesterday turned out to be a very special day with him that taught me some valuable things. First, I was really glad to see him. When the doorbell rang and I could see this tall and beautiful man in his pale yellow polo shirt (my favorite) exhibiting that magnificent I melted. Not from wanton lust...not from the carnal perspective. But, rather, it was from a place of genuine affection. I think my heart nearly went in to a-fib at the sight of this beautiful man.

Through the glass of the storm door, there he was, with his cute, boyish grin. I opened the door...and allowed him to come in.....shut it behind him...and there he was! I grabbed him...he grabbed me and kissed me tenderly. Then he held me close.

It was a very special moment.

I ushered him to the living room...and we cuddled on the couch and caught between hugs, squeezes, and an occasional kiss.

We then drove to my church. It was his first time. It was my first time to attend with a special man. I didn't know quite how to act. I felt like a giddy teenager. I introduced him to several of my friends. Some of the ladies at my church whispered their approval.

We wandered into the sanctuary and found a seat. During the service, Steven would reach over and take my hand...give i a squeeze....then just tenderly hold it. Somewhere during the sermon, his hand released and his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me in close to him and there I was nestled into Steven's side. I felt like a dead battery that had just been put into a recharging unit...and I felt that surge...of reconstituted and refreshed energy.

Following the service, we decided to drive from Fairfax, VA into Washington DC to check out the National Gallery of Art. The boy knows his art...and I marveled at his knowledge and all that he taught me.

After several hours, we grew hungry. We found food and got a perfect table where we could sit and talk privately.

Keep in mind, dear friends, that dating is new to me. The only person I have ever dated was Lovey.

In gay terms, I come from a background of where guys want to first get naked, do the deed, get dressed and then, if you're lucky, they want to get to know you.

With Steven there is indeed a sexual chemistry. It transcends the "white hot" boiling chemistry that marks so many gay "relationships."

What we have surpasses all that. It has depth. It has all the traits of being something to last over the long haul.

We sat for an hour...and we talked about many issues. He even covered issues he said later, that were truly things he has never been able to discuss with anyone else. I did he same.

He and I met over 1 month ago. This is different, something real, warm and personal ignited. Sitting with him and talking about his hopes and dreams....and sharing my hopes and dreams -- all feel like coming home.

I'm enjoying the simple pleasures of the ride. Aw...the destination will take care of itself.

I am so thankful to have this beautiful man in my life.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


Greetings all!

Things have been quite busy at my house the last couple of weeks. Unexpectedly, my cataract surgery was bumped up several weeks to this past Thursday. I had all kinds of medical appointments to attend to and trying to get work done at my office so that I could be off due to my recovery period. On top of this, I got notice that I needed to have a home appraisal done, so that I can refinance my mortgage to 3.7% from 8.5%. Simply amazing. So the appraisal got done yesterday. (We finished some renovations a week ago that make the house really stand tall.) The appraiser commented on how beautiful the house is so that makes me feel great.

On the dating front, I'm still with Steven. We communicate several times every day. Tomorrow I get to spend some significant time with him in person. He says he is coming to my church...and then we're going to do lunch....then perhaps a movie...or some cuddle time. Who knows?

Having this wonderful person in my life has taught me several things. I don't feel that furtive need to find a sex partner. I don't feel the need to go to those sex parties. I've even toyed with the idea of deleting my Match.Com profile, my Sulverdaddies profile, my SCRUFF, GRINDR, and GROWLR accounts...and most of all the Daddy Hunt one.

There is just no need...not with this wonderful man in my life.

My hormonal urges appear in check. I now wake up in the morning and really feel like I matter to one other person on the planet. So, God knows. It has been a very long night of loneliness, longing...and deep need.

I think those days are over. My health has taken a turn for the sugars are A1C readings are great.....and my cataracts are history. I can see!

Please keep the positive energy flowing in my direction....and keep those prayers coming.

Frank is very happy!

Monday, September 14, 2015

And Now For Some Really Good News...

Some of you have been quite critical of me lately. I've received some mild "nasty grams" concerning my whining about my lack of love....some of you have made me feel like a piece of pond scum because of my descriptions of attending sex parties, and then I've been criticized for "deceiving my wife" about my gayness....and then trying to have my "cake and eating it too." The list goes on and on and on.

So, as I have said from the outset of this blog, its purpose is not to make me look good. It's not to airbrush me into some unrecognizable giant of perfection. I try to be honest here...and sometimes it ain't pretty.

This blog has also taught me that I can't make everyone happy....and its' purpose is not to do that. It's just the story of my journey. Take it or leave it. I'm a big boy and will cope somehow if you choose to leave.

And Now For Some Really Good News...

On August 22, I met a guy. His name is Steven. When I met him, I just assumed it was just one of those meetings where everyone is pleasant and kind.... He asked for my telephone number and I gave it to him.

God knows I have done that a few times! All to no avail.

So, all this is translated into the feeling that it was good while it lasted....but he's never gonna call or text.


We met up on Labor Day Weekend and spent a hunk of time together. I took him to dinner. Then things kind of took a different turn. He became a bit vulnerable and told me of some of his hurts and failures. He shared with me his hopes and dreams.

Something clicked somewhere deep inside me.

Now remember, I'm jaded. I've been around the block several hundred times. I'm the pond scum that goes to the sex parties. I've been vilified for having a profile on MATCH.COM. Told I was too old for Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, and MRX. I've whined and cried about how lonely I am....and how much I want someone to love.

And sitting across from me is the beautiful hunk of man....being all vulnerable and explaining that he's afraid to let his guard down.

Boy, I can relate to that one.

Dinner lasted for quite some time. I hung on every word.

By the end of the evening I was smitten. AND...apparently there were some stirrings deep with in him as well.

After that evening, there has been daily contact. Calls, texts, emails.

On Friday evening, he wrote such a beautiful email to me, that it brought tears to my eyes. It was just that profound. Several emails that evening. Then a final text.

"Hey, would you go with me hiking this weekend?"

"Yes, of course!" I said.

So plans were made. I met him at the appointed spot at 9am on Sunday morning. There he was. Nice t-shirt...exhibiting his wonderful chest. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. He approached me. He's a bit taller than me....and he wrapped his big arms around me....drew me to that wonderful chest....then lifted my chin up to look into his eyes....and he put me in a tight, passionate lip lock....right there in the parking front of God, the deer, the squirrels, and everybody else.

We commenced our hike. He held my hand. Every so often he would stop, turn to me and wrap me in those massive hugs.....and another massive lip lock.

Finally we found a quiet a small lake.... A nice bench. We cuddled up close. Held hands.... Like going through the many layers of an onion, he began to reveal himself. I did the same....and we sat there basking in the wonder of it all for a solid hour. We shared a kiss or two....holding hands.....arm around each other in a tender embrace.

There were no blow jobs in the weeds. No humping in the forest.

Just two men walking together side by side and expressing deep simple affection. Getting to know each other on a very intimate level.

It's one thing to have fireworks in the sack....but for me, the true gauge of a relationship or a potential relationship is what happens when you're not in bed.

In this case, it was the world series...and the home team scored nothing but home runs.

After we parted some 4 miles later....and we'd both gotten home, he wrote me.... He referred to me as his boyfriend.

"Did you really mean to say that?" (This was because he said that he wanted to move slow...) He wrote back, "I did. And I meant it, so there!"

This was music to my ears.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015


So, the past year has been a struggle for me physically. Age is definitely beginning to catch up with me. My diabetes has always been a concern, but unbeknownst to me, it facilitates the growth of cataracts!

Who knew?

And the worst part is that cataracts take time to develop generally at a snail's pace. BUT diabetes vastly accelerates their development. It has been totally scary to be blinded by them and not be able to see like I used to. Finally, earlier this month, I had one eye done and I am able to SEE! I'm amazed at how colorful the world is. It's kind of like viewing the world in high def.

The doctor told me that my other eye is on the verge of losing sight because of the cataract. He said that I was seeing through a pin hole and it was amazing that I could see as well as I did. He expected it to be shut off two months ago. Well, now that I have my one eye back to normal....the event happened such that I can't see through that eye.

Its very disconcerting. But I'm working to remain positive in spite of things. The surgical coordinator at the doctor's office will make arrangement for the surgery next week when she returns from vacation.

So stay tuned! Keep the positive energy flowing in my direction!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Are You Paying Attention?

Sometimes I fear that well meaning readers of this blog don't get it.

As I said in the last post, I'm not trying to come across as perfect...or to impart wisdom that somehow lifts me up into the heavenliness of perfection. I don't write these entries to entertain..or to gloss over my shortcomings...or to necessarily make me look good.

This blog is merely my journal that is offering you to read over my shoulder to see the journey I've been on during the past 9 years or so. At times I'm happy. At times I'm thankful. At times I ponder...other times I'm wistful. Still at other times I'm depressed.

This is a chronicle of my journey. It helps me on my journey of personal growth to be able to review and remember rest stops along the way.

So, if I whine, and you can't cope with it...or it stops making this blog uninteresting to you...then by all means, move on.

I'm not perfect.

Never claimed I was.


Today began my second week at a new job. I've been asked to take over a different section within my office that has me challenged by totally new issues and supervising a truly new and amazing staff of professionals. Yes, there is a degree of stress, but its a different kind than what I'm typically used to.

However, today was unique because I got swept up in a new drama from my former unit that is requiring time and energy. Who said that government work isn't exciting.

My new job is temporary. I expect to be in it about 10 months give or take. So, once I sort out some of the residual issues at the old job, I can focus on the new job fully.

Life is good.


I just discovered the ON DEMAND feature of my cable provider. I also found the series I AM CAIT on the E! network which is chronicling the stuff that Caitlyn Jenner is facing as she continues on her journey. I'm totally fascinated and hooked on this series.

My church has a robust ministry to the Trans community and I have decided to become a staunch ally and friend. I went to their monthly meeting on Friday and I was amazed at all I learned. It's a difficult topic to get my mind around...but I am working to do so because I have so many transgendered friends.

It upsets me to hear people of faith make fun of them. To demonize them. To say they are worthy of death and hell, when all they are are normal people who just want to be treated like everyone else. Before it became cache to be gay...and gay marriage....etc.....that's all the gay community wanted.

But with all those advances, I suppose there are still rabid pockets of homophobia, just like there are for TRANSphobia.

I saw online today that ISIS threw two men off a building in the middle east for being gay. As if that was not enough, the group of people who watched them plummet to the ground stoned them upon touchdown. It was painful to watch and know that people can be so hateful.

Just because you're different.

So, as I sit here counting my blessings at being able to live authentically as a gay man.....I want to do my part to help my trans brothers and sisters in their fight for acceptance.


Long ago when I started this blog, I established a cardinal rule. That rule was that I would publish my truth and never use this as a platform to make me look good. It would be my unvarnished truth...and so here it is.

I've become a bitter old queen.

What made me this way today you may wonder? Well, I'm going through a period of time where I am just tired of being gay. In fact, I'm tired of all things gay. Rainbow. Sparkles. Pride.

Not sure where all this came from...but it is there. I'm tired of meeting nice guys...eligible guys...who are looking for every other kind of man but me. I'm too young. I'm too old. My hair is too silver. My hair isn't silver enough. I have a slight belly. My belly is not big enough. I'm not a twink. I'm not a bear. I have no muscles. I have no washboard abs. I'm not the correct sexual position in life. I'm too smooth. I'm not smooth enough. I'm chubby. I'm tall, but not quite tall enough.

Get the idea?

I'm just me.

I wonder if there is someone out there who "gets me."

Is there?

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Arriving at Sad Conclusions

This has been quite a busy week for me. At the beginning of it, I learned from my boss that I am being reassigned into a new job effective on Monday. My boss says that because I'm a good manager, I need to take over a different unit to help undo damage done by a bi-polar mess that left us two weeks ago for a new job herself. The BP has done significant damage to the unit, and it is going to take some time. I anticipate having to work there for at least 6 months. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!

This past Tuesday, I underwent cataract surgery in my right eye. It was scary for me in that I did not know what to expect. As a result of the stress, my sugar levels went crazy. But I'm happy to report that all went well. I can see beautifully out of my right eye. I can officially begin to drive again on Monday. The doctor is working to schedule my left eye to remove he cataract from there too. So look out!

While being away from work this week, I've been binge walking that old TV series, QUEER AS FOLK. I watched all five seasons of it. I had to chuckle because, at the time, I was very taken with it...couldn't relate to much of it...and was overly amazed by the portrayal of gay male relationships. This was because that during its run, I couldn't relate to the relationship aspect. I had no friends. I remember thinking how this group of male friends cold be so close without having some mass orgy every Friday night! LOL. You see, up until that time, I thought being gay was all about getting laid. I didn't think much about the feelings and commitments that people make. I guess I was in the heart of gay adolescence.

In this viewing of the series, I found myself longing to be Emmitt -- not swishy and queeny, but to have a man in my life like he was able to snag with the pro football player. Although the football player identified as not gay...but liked "having fun" with other guys...he deeply cared for Emmitt...and ultimately came out...and acknowledged his feelings...and his genuine care for Emmitt.

Gosh, why couldn't I find a man like him. Oh, not a pro football player....but just a really good man that is willing to connect emotionally and deeply on levels beyond the physical connection that takes place in bed.

As the series progressed, I guess in some respects I'm more like Ted. The geeky older accountant who always seems to find the wrong men. Then, when he meets someone he really thinks may be the one, something happens from left field that derails the relationship. Gosh, I don't want to be him! I don't ever want to come off as desperate. After all, I'm not really. I just hear the clock ticking as I become older and older. With each passing day, it seems my options shrink more and more and the likelihood of meeting the one grow remoter.

So, I've decided to back away from the hunt for a boyfriend. I've wasted so much time and energy with nothing to show for it. It hurts. But, I have a full life and refuse to lower my standards or hook up with someone out of desperation.

Sad, but true.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

How Is Your Garden Variety Bisexual Doing?

A few posts back I wrote about my excitement at meeting the new man named "John." I had sort of written him off as one those garden variety bisexuals that we gay men tend to run across as we navigate dating's sometimes treacherous waters.

He is a beautiful man physically and inside.

He is the type of guy that I feel is totally out of my league...yet, I made some type of positive impression on him.

I have to say that I was totally let down when he told me he was so into women. Mentally, I marked him off m list. BUT...he has continued to text...everyday....and my thoughts about him are beginning to shift some.

Here are some of his texts:

"I welcome male intimacy."

"We should explore this. It feels so good and all this texting back and forth does too! I am really bad at dealing with loneliness. I have often felt alone here. I often feel like a man on mars. It felt good when I met you...and it still does."

So, I guess I have nothing to lose in exploring this.

In some of his texts it's almost like he has to throw in his interest in women to comfort himself. It's hard to explain...but his comments about women are so random.....and almost mechanical. Talking about their physical attributes is close to vulgar...but the tone he uses with me is altogether different.

Stay tuned...

Sunday Morning Thoughts

Life are can be interesting.

Occasionally I realize that I have been carrying around some baggage that has not been fully dealt with. Even though I would liken it to be of a small carry on size, it still causes discomfort until I get the courage to deal directly with it.

Such was the case recently pertaining to a situation involving a very close friend. He's been dealing with "stuff" and I suddenly found myself sitting across from him as he expressed his pain. But the funny thing is that is identical to what I went through with him a few years ago.

It had bothered me. It was raw. I felt like I had something truly wrong with me. I felt as though I couldn't move on. It affected every fiber of me.

So, as he sat across the table from me commiserating, I grew a pair of balls and said, "I know EXACTLY how you feel and here's why."

I didn't dump on him. I didn't say this to inflict wounds to his already wounded spirit.

I did it as a pure teaching moment. While he felt totally devastated with a woe is me attitude, I used it as an opportunity of showing him that you can get passed the the issue. makes you a much better person.

You see, I dealt with the hurt and bad feeling about this friend years ago. So, I could speak matter of factly. Directly. Without the deep emotion I had originally had. After that meeting upon reflection, I was totally amazed at how well that discussion turned out. I was especially amazed at how much growth I detected in me.

Yes, bad experiences force us to grow. Sort of like those mysterious growing pains we have as children.

But as painful as those can be sometimes, we can rest in the comfort of knowing that we are growing.

Only living things grow.

On this Sunday morning, I'm in a good place.