ANOTHER Death in the Family

Life can be so strange.

I just returned from vacation – if you can call it that.

It was time off. I got to spend some quality time with my parents and one of my children – the daughter from El Salvador, who has returned permanently and appears to finally be over her wanderlust.

But, it was unseasonably cold and rainy. Many mornings were quite foggy. And the real reason for my time off was due to the death of an Aunt in North Carolina who had battling brain cancer for a number of years.

During the week that I was away, another Uncle was in ICU at one of the local hospitals. He was in rather bad shape. My relatives are all his stepchildren. He had been staying with his biological children since the breakup of his marriage with my aunt. As he lay in ICU, my cousins visited and saw what appeared to be evidence of elder abuse on his lower extremities.

So, this began another drama that played itself out near the end of my stay. My uncle passed away. His funeral was on the day I left to return home.

Three deaths in three weeks!

I find that all this death and dying business has left me feeling wrung out and basically out of sorts.

Going to WV for extended periods is stressful to me. I feel like I am the only gay person in the entire city. From the outside looking in, the communities that my family all operate with in seem to be “Straight Central”. The older I get, the harder it is for me to play along.

So, I spend a lot of my time just being me. I try to relax and be myself. But in the back of my mind I am always concerned about the “issue” and wondering if I am giving anything away. I certainly don’t want to cause any undue hardship on my parents or have people making any bad comments. So, I keep a very “low” profile.

People may think I’m being a snob….or that I am being shy. But really, I just keep my head down. Hopefully no one will notice that I am the odd man out. I am GAY!

Yesterday I received a telephone call from my mother. My uncle’s stepdaughter – my first cousin – had gone through a very ugly and unpleasant divorce from her husband of 32 years a few years ago. He remarried, and we hear that his current wife has filed for divorce.

When he moved out of wife #2’s home, he moved in with a wealthy man that lives in a rather upscale area of my hometown. On July 4, he invited his daughter to visit with her boyfriend.

Over the course of the visit, they determined that the ex-husband is gay and living with another gay man!

So, apparently there are some pockets of gayness right there in the midst of “straight central.”

I suppose you just have to know where to look!

What a Week!

Since I last wrote, I've been dealing with a couple of deaths in my family. (Both are on my father's side.) His only surviving brother died on June 18. So on Father's Day, I, along with my daughter, got up bright and early to drive to Canton, OH for the viewing and funeral. It was a nice trip...and I got to reconnect with some relatives that I have not seen in many years. I also got to connect with some of my more younger relatives that I barely know.

Then, as all of you know, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson all died within a relatively short time frame. I am amazed that I am now at the time of life where people who were icons during my youth are now beginning to die off. But, this is a part of the cycle.

Finally, on this past Friday morning, my aunt (the widow of another one of my dad's brothers who passed away in 1994) passed away in North Carolina -- having lost her fight with brain cancer. This time my daughter and I get to head to my home in WV to be at the funeral there that happens on Tuesday morning.

I still have not decided how long I will stay. I probably will stay through the July 4th Weekend. It's time for me to visit with my mom anyway.

So, I have been busy.

It really is something to have to face all these deaths at once.

Hopefully upon my return, we can get back on track with writing on this blog again.

Please remember my family in your prayers.

Not Whining Really

My post yesterday was just a remembrance of what occurred four years ago. It contained a flashback of the feelings I felt at the time...plus somewhat of a rant or vent of how I am currently feeling.

So, actually, I'm not really whining. Back then I whined. A whole lot!

Today, I'm different. I am quite settled and enjoying the man that I am becoming. I love the quietness....the lack of marital drama. AND, most importantly I am finally free to be me without hiding...or feeling fearful.

You see, fear was my constant companion.

And now...it all seems so manageable.

It seems so odd now.

This weekend is Pride Weekend here in the DC area.

I'm going and I'm taking plenty of pictures. If they turn out good, I will post them.

Hope you have a great week.

Frank is Remembering June 9, 2005.

Today is June 9. I can't believe it, but it is here...AGAIN!

For those of you who have been a follower of this blog, you know that this is the fourth anniversary of my former wife announcing that we would be separated. She told me that fateful day that I had made her life hell. She told me how raw she was inside.

Basically, the garden variety type things one says to one's gay husband...and you want to make yourself the victim.

So, this morning when I arose, it was storming horribly. Fiercely is probably a better word for how bad the storm was.

As I write this, it is the end of another long day at the office. I am meeting a close friend for dinner at 7:30...and it has begun to storm. AGAIN. FIERCELY!

This is probablly a nice way to remember this wonderful anniversary.

I have come so very far.

REALLY far.

It felt like I was in mourning forever. Even now when I think of all that I went through....and the mish-mash of feelings I had, well, I tear up. EVEN NOW.

Divorce isn't easy.

Neither is losing your best friend.

In the ex, I lost both. For all the pleasant words she has to say....she really holds me in no special light. Oh, I suppose I take that back. I am her monthly pay check.

It doesn't matter how much I loved her.

It doesn't matter that I am the father of her three children.

It doesn't matter that I spent many years trying to support her in her ministerial endeavors. Hell, I don't even rate an invitation to her ordination next week.

In the end, it came down to my being gay....(which she knew for 24 years). It all made her so raw inside.

So, it's a stormy night in Washington DC. I am remembering the pain associated with June 9, 2005.

It stings a little.

But I am so much better for surviving that.

That chapter of my life is finally closed.

A Close Encounter

This morning began as any other Sunday morning. I was sleeping so well....and I was awfully tired when I awoke. I even told my daughter that I was almost convinced not to go to church, but then I remembered that I had to help lead our church Bible Study...so I grudgingly went alone.

It was a beautiful morning....and as I drove the 20 minutes to church, I had some quality time to spend with God. I told Him that I was in a really bad mood.... In light of the drama I have been a part of for the past few weeks, there was apart of me that just wanted to find another place to worship.

Old habits die hard....and I was ready to have my walls up....wherever I went. You see I have been hurt....and I really don't want to have THAT happen again. It's difficult....it's painful......and I'm just not set to deal with all that now -- of all times.

Those same feelings that I struggle with from time-to-time surfaced again in an aggressively ferocious manner. I am not real happy with myself at the moment. I feel like a freakin' failure. I am not where I would like to be personally or professionally....or spiritually for that matter. I told God that I have a lot of issues to deal with and the inventory does not seem to be reducing in the least.

So, I went to the Bible Study....and it was really good. Gosh I love those people at my church. More than I can ever say. It's just so difficult to explain, but I do.

I went out into the sanctuary afterwards and continued to talk with God about all my issues. I sincerely asked him if there was anyway for Him to let me know that he's aware of me and MY issues.

It kind of reminded me of the way married couples talk to each other after many, many years of marriage. Usually the wife will tell the husband, "Why don't you tell me that you love me sometimes?" The husband retorts, "I love you.....by all the things I do..... Do I really need to say it?"

For all the times that I speak to God, I long to hear that once in a while. Silly, I know. But I still feel that way.

We had a guest preacher today. She was a 58 year old black lady minister within our denomination. She has a United Methodist Church background. She approached the pulpit....and one of the first things she had to say was that she felt the spirit changing her message title to something (can't remember the first part) "...... or 'I've got issues."

Well, the second half of the message got my attention.

Over the course of the sermon, she said that sometimes God tells her things about people with whom she has special prayer for. She told the congregation that she would be available to pray for people personally following the morning worship service.

I decided to get her to pray with me.

After waiting in line for nearly an hour. It was my turn. She hugged me.

Now let me say, this is the first time I have ever met this woman. She knew absolutely nithing about the dramas I have faced here...

She began to pray, and to the best of my remembrance, her dialog with me went something like this, "God says that he is creating a brand new life for you. He also says that there are people from the old life who are haunting the new one. She told me that God had something very special in mind for me and that when it is all revealed to me, I would be totally shocked...and that it would be the source of tremendous joy for me. She went on to say that God had forgiven me for all the mistakes I have beat myself up over...and that God saw that I didn't feel like coming to church this morning. He wanted me to know that he had come personally to set foot in our church to be of special encouragement to me....and that I hadn't expected it....He loves you supremely and is so glad that you are still on this earth."

At this point she opened her eyes in wide surprise and said, "THAT is really something when the Lord of the universe says that he is pleased that you are still on this earth."

She continued to say that I am so very, very precious in His sight and that God knows all about my questions....and my loneliness.....and that he has something very, very special in mind for me. It is going to happen she says...and that I need to be prepared for it and to remember, remember, remember this talk.

Finally, she closed with a mention that she could see an older man that she believed was my dad. and that he was saying hoe he wishes he had been gentler with me.

She said that God would be giving me a source of great joy and that I should remember it....and now that I should prepare myself for its arrival

Once more, she said how I need to remember, remember, remember....

And I do.

Approaching Anniversaries

I cannot believe that we are only about five days from my fourth anniversary since Lovey decided to separate, which was stage one in my wonderful divorce.

I really have to laugh when I go back and read those early, early posts on this blog -- those were the ones where I was passing the milestone of the first anniversary of that grand pronouncement. Back then I was dreading June 20, 2006 because that was the date that Lovey was slated to move out.

Then she moved out....

My house was stripped bare....and I was alone with my daughter.

Now, I look at that same room.....and see just how far this house has come--how far I have come...... Gosh, the drama I have survived.

The friends I have made.

The relationships I have had...although they were all shortlived.....I've had a couple of fulltime relationships with guys who were available.... But they ended relatively quickly...and here I sit....contemplating it all from a new perspective.

I am amazed at my growth and all the milestones I have passed.

I'm still here.

Taking it all one day at a time.

Life continues to be good and getting better.

My 2nd Anniversary

Friday was my second anniversary of my new life as a divorced, gay man.

Gee I have come such a long way.