Greetings All! I am Back!

Sorry it has been such a long time coming, but I have been one busy boy these last few weeks. My eldest daughter went off to The Hague, Netherlands to spend the month with her Aunt that has just moved there from Colorado. She returns tomorrow...and is thrilled beyond words to be returning to home. She has not had a super time with the Aunt, who happens to be Lovey's oldest sister. Lovey is the oldest, and this aunt is next to her in age. She means well, but comes across as selfish and grating at times. I have often quipped that she moonlighted as a part time test pilot in a broom factory to the chagrin of Lovey.

I digress.

So while the little girl has been gone, Old Dad has spent some time to himself....and actually doing some photography. One of my friends even volunteered to be my first male nude model. Don't worry, it's not those kinds of pictures that I have been working on and longing to do. These are actually artistic nudes. So, with his permission, I am running one here to get your feedback. He really is quite a nice guy....former military....and is struggling with his sexuality.

I have served as a friend/mentor -- nothing more. We share a passion for photography....and he really has taught me a lot and he says the same thing for me. We plan to experiment more with lighting and take some more nudes with professional lighting. So, I will see how these all turn out.

Additionally I have been dating. But then, the men I have dated all are fixated on those guys who are younger and buffer than I....so my virture remains intact.

There is, however, one man that has caught my eye....and captured my heart in the process. He has sent me some mixed messages....and I have sent him some more direct ones. But, I am not sure just where this will all lead -- if anywhere. My friends who I have discussed this all with say that I need to just lay my cards onto the table and see what his reaction is. I suppose I don't have anything to lose...and everything to gain. After all, love/attraction, etc. is a crap shoot and life is very short. Why waste time playing cat and mouse?

Right?

I just find myself feeling these incredibly strong desires to just hold him. I told one of my friends that this is not about lust...or sexual desire. Gosh, I would be happy just being able to put my arm around him and give him a squeeze....or to just hold his hand...or to just cuddle.

We will see....

Please keep your fingers crossed.

I've also included a couple of other shots of that basically sums up the theme of fall coming to Northern Virginia. Enjoy!

Bummer!

I have finally arrived home following a very full day at the office and then having to rush off to a board of directors meeting for my homeowners association. I am the secretary -- a position I have held since 1995.

Perhaps it is me being tired -- overly so. But I'm a bit blue tonight.

Jim did not call or email me today.

And I have observed some of the people in my sphere who have partnered up. I'm feeling very much like the fifth wheel. I look at them and I wonder what is wrong with me. I would love to have someone in my life...but it ain't happening.

So I don't know.

It ain't good feeling this way.

Frank's Adventures Continue!

I suppose I'm getting bolder with letting people know how I feel. I'm also being braver about striking conversations with complete strangers.

Tonight I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store across the street from my house. Almost immediately this bautiful young man pulls up alongside me in a bright shiny new BMW. He had to be in his mid-twenties. But when he stopped, his passenger window was down, and he looked over. He did that eye lock thing.

I did too!

So I watched him out of the corner of my eye. So, I played a little game with myself. My goal? Get him to talk to me!

If it was convenient.

Well, as luck would have it, he was waiting in the self-checkout line as I approached. I decided to fall in line behind him. I got a full look at him.... He looked like a god. He was totally built....humongous muscles....GOSH.

His iPod was firmly planted in his pocket with his earphones plugged into his ears. So, I got up really close to him...and whispered in his ear. "What kinda car is that you're driving? Man, that thing is sharp!"

He looked up at me and grinned really big...."It's a BMW....(something or other....I was just tickled that I got to hear his voice)...."

"How long have you had it?" I asked.

"About two years."

"Great looking car I said."

We then went to our respective spots....and it happened that I was able to check out before him. So I was quite aways from him...and he followed me up the aisle to our cars.

"I wonder if he will say something..." I wondered.

I was loading my groceries in my back seat as he passed by.

"Have a great evening!" He said cheerily.

"I will," I answered. "You take care of that care and be safe."

"Oh I will."

And he was gone.

SCORE!

It doesn't take much to make the old gay guy happy!

********

On a more serious note. I was invited to a gay party last night that I decided at the last minute to go to. A number of my buddies was going to be there, and I decided to go. Just for the heck of it...and to further get buried in the gay social whirl.

The party was in a town considered part of the metro area of DC. Twenty-three gain men were there. A lot of guys I knew....but there were several I did not know.

So, I made my way around the room and shook hands with people. I did my best party animal impression by being outgoing and friendly and trying to be friendly. It is so very stressful because at heart I am quite shy.

But if it is one thing I have learned...it's that in order to survive as a single gay male, you have to get out there and show yourself friendly.

I was VERY busy last night mingling.

Just before dinner was served, the doorbell rang and another guest showed up.

My jaw nearly hit the floor. I felt an immediate connection. It wasn't lust....although he was quite attractive. But there was something about this man that clicked deeply inside me. It made me think....there is my partner. The one I have been looking for.

I had never felt that about anyone before.

Immediately though, the negative thoughts and feelings started. "Oh, he won't give you the time of day, Frank." "Give it up!" "He's out of your league fella."

Well, I watched him. And he sat right next to me. Everytime we spoke. He gave me the look and we locked eyes! So, in my heart of hearts, I decided, what do I have to lose? Let's see if there is anything to this that I have feeling deep inside me.

So during our conversation I gently pumped him for information. I found out that he works in finance...and I told him that I work for a bank regulator. He said that he had just broken up with an older man after they had been together for 7 months. The old guy was running around on him. I also learned that my new friend had a name. It's Jim. He's 39. He likes older men.

I said, "Jim, your parnter was running around with younger guys when he had you at home?" He blushed and said, "Yes, he did. The real pathetic thing is that I begged him to not do it and come back home to me. But he won't."

Hmmmmmmm I thought.

He went on.

"Before that relationship, I have only been partnered one other time. My first one was a ten year relationship....and it ended because that guy was running around and doing drugs."

I just shook my head.

"Jim, you could have your pick of men."

He smiled again.

Gosh that beautiful smile could light up the entire metro area for a hundred years.

We chatted back and forth with the other guests...but I always made it a point to look at Jim...make that deep eye contact and smile.

As the evening wound down...and people were beginning to leave. Jim started telling everyone goodbye...and that he was getting ready to leave. In my mind, I could not just let him go without doing something.

I found a piece of paper and I carry a pen. I wrote down my cell phone number and my personal email address. I followed him to the front door and I said, "Jim, just a second. Please forgive me for being too forward, but I want you to have this."

I handed him the paper with my info on it.

"I have NEVER done this...and to be honest, it's taking a lot of guts for me to do this. But here's my telephone number and my email address. I would love to take you to dinner and get to know you better."

He smiled.

"I'll shoot you an email."

I said, "That would make my day if you would."

He smiled and pecked me on the cheek.

It was so very wonderful to meet this guy.

So far he has not called or written. And to be honest, he may not. But at least I have made the contact and not done what I have done so many times before....wait for the other person to make the first move.

Gosh, I hope he calls or writes. I feel so strongly about him, I don't know what to do!

I'm Gaining Confidence Y'all

Had a fun experience on Saturday Night I thought I would share.

However, let me say first that something has been evolving within me for the past few weeks. I have discussed it on some of the support groups online that I am a part of. We had discussed how to know if a man was gay...or how to communicate you're interested. It was decided that it was the look that you give the other man....or the look the other man gives you. I've been practicing my look....and have found that indeed it does seem to work. I used it at the nightclub on Saturday night. Here's my story:

A couple of my friends from church invited me to go to a nightclub that features male strippers. It is a relatively new club that features really hot men who get totally naked. They also do lap dances! Now, in all of my 51 years, I have never been to such a place... and have never received a lap dance. As I entered the club, I mustered up my confidence and courage. I made sure my posture was tall and straight. I walked in confidently and started looking around the place. The dancers were already on their pedestals and I began making unblinking eye contact with the bartenders and some of the strippers.

My friends and I found a nice couch and sat and watched this beautiful young man do his thing. He turned and looked at me and I gave hime the look and smiled. To my amazement, he smiled back broadly and came over to me and introduced himself. I shook his hand and he began dancing for me. I complimented him and soon he was on top of the couch with his body parts just a few inches from me. He then buried his face in the nape of neck and he whispered how good I smelled.

I tipped him and he was gone to others, but he kept looking over at me and winking.

Near the end of the evening I saw him dancing on the bar. I got up closer to watch, but out of the whole crowd of guys, he saw me. He grinned broadly at me and motioned for me to come closer. He then squatted down in front of me. I smiled and thanked him for making my first time there so special. He put a hand on both my shoulders. I looked into his beautiful eyes and said that of all the dancers I had watched during the evening, he was my favorite--hands down. He gave me that smile again, drew me closer, and thanked me. He also said it was easy to dance for me because of just how cute I was. He held me close then kissed my cheek!

I told him to stay safe and I floated into the crowd.

I then saw another couple of my friends in another part of the club. It has been a year since I saw them. They saw me and were glad to see me. One said, "Frank, I don't know what you have done to yourself, but damn you are looking hot tonight!"

I am amazed.

I realize that I was in a nightclub with dancers looking for tips. But that dancer was tremendously kind to me.

My friends were not looking for money, and they saw something different in me.

So something is happening and I am getting a tremendous kick out of it.

Perhaps I will meet someone special after all.

Fractured Toe

Well, yesterday I was running around trying to get all the stuff I needed for church. I ran into the corner of my clothes hamper which was at the foot of my bed. It hurt like hell. But I continued on. I rounded up all the stuff I needed. Got dressed and arrived at the church at 9:30 a.m. to prepare to do some video taping before everyone arrived so that I can make a host of promotional videos for the church's Web site.

It was a very long day. I did video footage of some of the proceedings. I also did some still photo work. I did not get home until late in the afternoon. As I was trying to get ready for a nap, (I had gone to a gay night club on Satuday night and stayed out until after 2am), my foot found the barbells my daughter had left in the middle of the floor of the rec room. The same toe was involved. When I arose from my nap, the toe in question was black and blue. It continued to hurt.

This morning I saw my internist....who was very concerned about the toe. She sent me to a radiologist. The radiologist hurt the toe further in trying to prepare it for xray.....my doctor saw the xray and made me go to the podiatrist immediately. The podiatrist determined that I had two fracture in that toe....I have it taped.....and wearing a special boot and am hobbling around the house. I am told to stay home from work tomorrow and keep my foot elevated.

Bummer.

The Intensity of Loneliness

I've spent some significant time the last little while with gay men who were, like me, once married to women, have children, and are now busily trying to find their way in a new situation as a somewhat out gay man.

They all said that they have had their moments of intense lonliness. "It's the kind of loneliness that cuts to the core of your very being," one said.

I have reflected on this comment for quite sometime since I heard its utterance.

It is very true.

I find myself going through periods of intense loneliness. It just isn't fun. It's not something that everyone can understand unless they, themselves, are going through it.

During my more lucid moments whe things are alright....and I'm feeling look about myself, like right this moment as I am typing this, I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a full-time partner....or live in boyfriend. I think I would be open to date someone exclusively and have occasional sleepovers. But not the move-in type.

I am just not ready.

I have heard to many gay guys tell me that there is no way that two gay men can be monogamous to each other. They say that it is not good to lay the heterosexual paradigm of monogamy on top of the gay life. I have been told by so many people that this is not the norm in the gay world. Other men I have chatted with say, "Au contraire, it can happen."

So, as I have journeyed on this road to identifying potential boyfriends, I am somewhat afraid to commit to anyone. My motor just runs too hot....and I often wonder if I am good partner quality.

Tme will tell.

Perhaps I just think too much!

True Friends and Facebook

I really have had a grand time with Facebook. It has been an excellent way for me to reconnect with long lost relatives, schoolmates from long ago, and to make new connections with church friends, office friends, and others and even make new friends.

However, there is a darker side to Facebook. It has exposed my overly sensitive nature.

I can't help it, but this is just me. As I have become older, I have gotten thicker skinned. Still it can sting a bit when someone de-friends you: one day they are there, posting updates, and you're enjoying what they write. The next day: they're gone. They've disappeared not only from your friend list, but you realize they have blocked you from even searching for their profiles to keep you from maybe refriending them sometime in the future. (God forbid!)

One lady did this to me recently. She was a "friend" from another church I had once belonged to. I see her and her husband at the grocery store all the time. I always say hello to them. When I went to that church, I always had a warm and cordial relationship with them. Well, since she isn't here among my friends any more I am left to wonder. Gee, was it something I said? Was it my breath? Does this mean I no longer have to speak to her when I see her in the grocery store?

There are also those "friends" that I have chosen to drop. I generally am long-suffering and try to understand everyone's opinions and thoughts. But occasionally there are those who espouse certain things or say stuff that cross a line that I no longer can condone. It is then I jettison them from my Facebook Family.

Finally there are those "friends" I try to connect with here at Facebook only to have them ignore me! Not once, not twice, but three times. (It took me a while to "get it.") Some of these are school friends from long ago that I would really like to know how they have been. Still others are from that other church again. Church folks can be so fickle. In one case, I took pictures at a graduation ceremony featuring one of them...and so they seem disinterested in connecting with me. Oh well. Message received. LOUD and CLEAR.

So, as I ponder these social networking sites and the state of friendship...I don't like to let FACEBOOK be the gauge of true friendship. It just doesn't seem right. Still though, I wonder about the actions of those people here. But, there are my other friends. Those are the very special friends who aren't here...who don't want to be here....and have no plans to ever be here.

I like Facebook. To me, Facebook is just a fun thing to do to unwind at the end of a busy day and get to know people better. I will continue to have a good time with it and refuse to let a few twerps rain on my parade!

Today I read a great article about this very thing on WSJ.com. I thought I would run here. It just seems appropriate in light of my little epistle.

Read it and ponder:

How Facebook Ruins Friendships
AUGUST 25, 2009, 9:26 A.M. ET
By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN

Notice to my friends: I love you all dearly.

But I don't give a hoot that you are "having a busy Monday," your child "took 30 minutes to brush his teeth," your dog "just ate an ant trap" or you want to "save the piglets." And I really, really don't care which Addams Family member you most resemble. (I could have told you the answer before you took the quiz on Facebook.)

Here's where you and I went wrong: We took our friendship online. First we began communicating more by email than by phone. Then we switched to "instant messaging" or "texting." We "friended" each other on Facebook, and began communicating by "tweeting" our thoughts—in 140 characters or less—via Twitter. All this online social networking was supposed to make us closer. And in some ways it has.

Thanks to the Internet, many of us have gotten back in touch with friends from high school and college, shared old and new photos, and become better acquainted with some people we might never have grown close to offline. Last year, when a friend of mine was hit by a car and went into a coma, his friends and family were able to easily and instantly share news of his medical progress—and send well wishes and support—thanks to a Web page his mom created for him.

But there's a danger here, too. If we're not careful, our online interactions can hurt our real-life relationships. Like many people, I'm experiencing Facebook Fatigue. I'm tired of loved ones—you know who you are—who claim they are too busy to pick up the phone, or even write a decent email, yet spend hours on social-media sites, uploading photos of their children or parties, forwarding inane quizzes, posting quirky, sometimes nonsensical one-liners or tweeting their latest whereabouts. ("Anyone know a good restaurant in Berlin?")

One of the big problems is how we converse. Typing still leaves something to be desired as a communication tool; it lacks the nuances that can be expressed by body language and voice inflection. "Online, people can't see the yawn," says Patricia Wallace, a psychologist at Johns Hopkins University's Center for Talented Youth and author of "The Psychology of the Internet."

But let's face it, the problem is much greater than which tools we use to communicate. It's what we are actually saying that's really mucking up our relationships. "Oh my God, a college friend just updated her Facebook status to say that her 'teeth are itching for a flossing!'" shrieked a friend of mine recently. "That's gross. I don't want to hear about what's going on inside her mouth." That prompted me to check my own Facebook page, only to find that three of my pals—none of whom know each other—had the exact same status update: "Zzzzzzz." They promptly put me to "zzzzzzz."
This brings us to our first dilemma: Amidst all this heightened chatter, we're not saying much that's interesting, folks. Rather, we're breaking a cardinal rule of companionship: Thou Shalt Not Bore Thy Friends.

"It's called narcissism," says Matt Brown, a 36-year-old business-development manager for a chain of hair salons and spas in Seattle. He's particularly annoyed by a friend who works at an auto dealership who tweets every time he sells a car, a married couple who bicker on Facebook's public walls and another couple so "mooshy-gooshy" they sit in the same room of their house posting love messages to each other for all to see. "Why is your life so frickin' important and entertaining that we need to
know?" Mr. Brown says.

Gwen Jewett, for her part, is sick of meal status updates. "A few of my friends like to post several times a day about what they are eating: 'I just ate a Frito pie.' 'I am enjoying a double hot-fudge sundae at home tonight.' 'Just ate a whole pizza with sausage, peppers and double cheese,'" says the 49-year-old career coach in suburban Dallas. "My question is this: If we didn't call each other on the phone every time we ate before, why do we need the alerts now?"

For others, boredom isn't the biggest challenge of managing Internet relationships. Consider, for example, how people you know often seem different online—not just gussied up or more polished, but bolder, too, displaying sides of their personalities you have never seen before.

Alex Gilbert, 27, who works for a nonprofit in Houston that teaches creative writing to kids, is still puzzling over an old friend—"a particularly masculine-type dude"—who plays in a heavy-metal band and heads a motorcycle club yet posts videos on Facebook of "uber cute" kittens. "It's not fodder for your real-life conversation," Mr. Gilbert says. "We're not going to get together and talk about how cute kittens are."

James Hills discovered that a colleague is gay via Facebook, but he says that didn't bother him. It was after his friend joined groups that cater to hairy men, such as "Furball NYC," that he was left feeling awkward. "This is something I just didn't need to know," says Mr. Hills, who is 32 and president of a marketing firm in Elgin, Ill. "I'd feel the same way if it was a straight friend joining a leather-and-lace group."

And then there's jealousy. In all that information you're posting about your life—your vacation, your kids, your promotions at work, even that margarita you just drank—someone is bound to find something to envy. When it comes to relationships, such online revelations can make breaking up even harder to do.

"Facebook prolongs the period it takes to get over someone, because you have an open window into their life, whether youwant to or not," says Yianni Garcia of New York, a consultant who helps companies use social media. "You see their updates, their pictures and their relationship status."

Mr. Garcia, 24, felt the sting of Facebook jealousy personally last spring, after he split up with his boyfriend. For a few weeks, he continued to visit his ex's Facebook page, scrutinizing his new friends. Then one day he discovered that his former boyfriend had blocked him from accessing his profile.
Why? "He said he'd only 'unfriended' me to protect himself, because if someone flirted with me he would feel jealous," Mr.Garcia says.

Facebook can also be a mecca for passive-aggressive behavior. "Suddenly, things you wouldn't say out loud in conversation are OK to say because you're sitting behind a computer screen," says Kimberly Kaye, 26, an arts writer in New York. She was surprised when friends who had politely discussed health-care reform over dinner later grew much more antagonistic when they continued the argument online.

Just ask Heather White. She says her college roommate at the University of Georgia started an argument over text about who should clean their apartment. Ms. White, 22, who was home visiting her parents at the time, asked her friend to call her so they could discuss the issue. Her friend never did.

A few days later, Ms. White, who graduated in May, updated her Facebook status, commenting that her favorite country duo, Brooks & Dunn, just broke up. Almost immediately, her roommate responded, writing publicly on her wall: "Just like us."

The two women have barely spoken since then.

So what's the solution, short of "unfriending" or "unfollowing" everyone who annoys you? You can use the "hide" button on Facebook to stop getting your friends' status updates—they'll never know—or use TwitterSnooze, a Web site that allows you to temporarily suspend tweets from someone you follow. (Warning: They'll get a notice from Twitter when you begin reading their tweets again.)

But these are really just Band-Aid tactics. To improve our interactions, we need to change our conduct, not just cover it up.

First, watch your own behavior, asking yourself before you post anything: "Is this something I'd want someone to tell me?"

"Run it by that focus group of one," says Johns Hopkins's Dr. Wallace. And positively reward others, responding only when they write something interesting, ignoring them when they are boring or
obnoxious. (Commenting negatively will only start a very public war.)

If all that fails, you can always start a new group: "Get Facebook to Create an Eye-Roll Button Now!"

Pairing Off

I am still on my soapbox about finding a mate. Sometimes I think this whole thing is going to wind up getting the best of me. I don't want to be alone in the remaining time of my life. I want to have a happy and fulfilled life -- full of love....laughter....happiness...joy. You know, all that good stuff.

This week has really been a downer in terms of my feelings of loneliness....profound sadness....and downright gloom over all this. It sounds pretty silly to all of you out there in the ether of the Internet: this 50 something year old man....who has so much to be thankful for....if sitting and pining away for a relationship. AARGH!

One of the things that tend to make me smile in a warped way...is that one of the most romantic days of the year is Valentine's Day. Many is the day that I have gone into restaurants on that wonderful occasion and seen all the couples paired off. All the folks are of different sizes, shapes, ages, etc. In some cases, I've even shook my head to say, "Wow, how did they ever hook up?" I mean, even some of the ugliest men on the earth has a babe on their arm. Or a most unattractive woman will have a hunk on hers!

Day before yesterday, I was having lunch in our cafeteria. At the same time, where I work is offering free screenings for TAMIFLU. Everyone where I work and those people that live with them can get a free prescription for this drug and will receive the drug in case of an outbreak of an epidemic.

Some of my friends brought their wives...husbands....kids.... One man in particular, who I have always believed to be gay, brought his partner in. Now, I have to tell you, my friend is very attractive. He is well built, relatively young, many attractive qualities -- not to mention an excellent job.

Then I looked at his partner.

He is not what I would have expected.

He was older and the advancing years had not been too kind.

He had lots of facial wrinkles....and just did not give himself to the same robustness that my friend has.

So, as I sat there watching them together.....I couldn't help but wonder, why can't I find someone. What's wrong with me?

I shook my head...got up and returned to my office.