Settling as a Gay Man

Good morning you all.  Frank is back after a busy summer.  I've spent a number of days contemplating my journey and thinking about where I go from here.  Based on the last comment I received on this blog -- which by the way was quite negative, it was clear that the person did not get the purpose of this blog.  They also did not get the point that this blog has been about my journey -- good and bad -- unblemished.  It has been about things that affected me.  It was not scripted.  

It documents my struggles, my insecurities, my weaknesses.  

So my life has been far from perfect.  It is not a bunch of "croc" as has I have een accused of writing.  

The bottom line here is that I survived the journey from a heterosexual marriage.  The painful separation.  The divorce negotiations.  The finality of the ruling and steaming full steam into gay life as a single -- older -- gay man.

I have gone through having lots of anger...hatred....hurt...for a vairety of people.  But all those negative feelings have  setled.  I am truly happy.  I'm truly comfortable in my own skin.  I am gay, unapologetically so.  

As of this writing, I have joined a host of dating sites.  Not those hookup sites.  I'm not looking for a quick lay or hookup.  I'm looking for love, companionship over the long term.  I'm done with the sex parties...the promiscuous sex that early on I thought was a right of passage as a gay man.  I've since learned that this is not the case.  

I've receieved a number of great inquiries into my profile.  I've been on dates.  So, I may have what I have been seeking.  FINALLY.

I joined MATCH.COM not long ago.  I"ve had a number of views.   Met a lot of different people -- the majority of which have been far from what I would consider as my "match."

I met Ron on July 4 after he and I had been corresponding for a while.   He appeared attractive.  Although he spent the majority of our initial meeting trying to impress me with his accomplishments and his wealth, I agreed to meet him again.  At that meeting he kept looking at his watch because he had to be done by a certain time because his next date was due to start.  We parted company.  He then wroe to say that he and one of his other dates were off to the midwest and that they would be staying in a presidential suite....blah...blah....  Sorry that it didn't work out he said.  So that was that.

Kicked to the curb, I did some detective work about Ron.  Turns out that he lied about his age and circumstances.  So this worked out to my benefit.  A couple of weeks ago, he contacted me again to say that he wanted to date me.  I asked about his other "date" and he said that not everything is as it appears.  I agreed with him...and said thanks but no thanks.

A number of guys from thousands of miles away have expressed interest.  But for th elife of me, I don't think long distance relationships ever work out.  I'm not sure I want to expend the energy to try.

Then there wa the flight attendant based in California, but is moving back here.  Met him for dinner.  But I didn't feel the magic.  

Another candidate is a man that I have known for many, many years.  His husband and he have been going through a rough patch at the point of divorce.  I told my friend that we are adults....yes there is attraction, but I will not be the "other woman".  I will not be party to a divorce or the cause of a break up.  So I have left this situation alone.  Not heard  from these guys in three months.

So dating is an interesting proposition.  Especially for a an that has little experience in that realm.  I only dated my wife.  

So life continues.  But I'm definitely in a good place!

The Never Ending List

I'm at work trying to get stuff done.  I have one of those jobs that keep you busy.  You may have a list of the things to get done, but due to meetings, phone calls, voice mails, emails, it just never seems to get done.  So I return another day to keep the cycle moving and working on the "never ending list."

I find this true of my life as well. 

I have a list of things that I want to do....to have done....but it all never seems to happen.  At least, it does not seem to do so when I want them done. 

While at the beach a couple of weeks ago, I got to spend some time pondering my life's journey.  Long time followers of this blog may have noticed my evolution into the guy I am today.  When I first began this journey and documenting it for the world to read, I couldn't see past my nose.  I was consumed with bitterness, hurt pride, anger, and deep, deep personal longing.  But as I have gone down this path I've dealt with all the angst...all the miss mash of feelings that have composed the complicated being known as Frank.

As a youngster, my parents (I'm an only child) told me how life should be.  They also modeled the behavior for me.  They taught me that you grew up....married a woman....have a family....and so forth.  Then as time progressed they said, you could trust that person with your most personal thoughts and feelings.  They would be your number one fan.  They would be your partner until "death do you part."

I believed them.

Mom and Dad were together for 56 years, until mother died in October of 2010.  Dad soon followed in June of 2011.  Yes, they modeled the behavior they wanted me to adopt.  Today is their 59th Wedding Anniversary and I've not forgotten.

I tried to be married.  I tried to be straight.  I really did.

But I failed.

The world I thought existed did not.  My gayness got in the way of all those wonderful best laid plans.  I thought....and was told that marriage to a woman would fix things.  It didn't.  Having children would fix things.  It didn't.  Being honest would fix things.  It didn't.

So when my world began to fall around me in 2005-2007...I was consumed by a host of feelings that were new to me.
anger

• rage
• hate
• sadness
• depression
• guilt
• self-doubt
• resentment
• low self-esteem
• anguish
• feelings of failure

And those feelings, and more, stayed with me for the longest time. 

I've since learned that in order to process issues, I have to talk about htem....ad nauseam.  That's why I began this blog.  You will also see that in those earlier entries, I was all over the map emotionally.  I let my feelings show....warts and all.....  It was not pretty.

But during these past 7 or so years, I've experienced a healing.  What's past is past.  As a result, new vistas have emerged.  New feelings have surfaced.  New lists of things to work on have emerged.  Some of those old feelings are still not perfected...

Still I plod on.

I've had tons of crushes.  I've fallen in lust.  I've been hurt.  I've been rejected.

But I've learned from all of these things.

The Frank writing today is totally different from the Frank of yesteryear. 

I've grown rather fond of the Frank I am today.  (I used to hate the old one.)  I like my looks.  I see videotapes and photographs of myself.  Yes, I've gotten a whole lot older.  My hair is almost totally silver.  I'm not a greek god, but I get by.

I have tons and tons of friends.  Each new day brings potential new ones.  I'm relaxed.  Yes, I'm happy.  All of this seems to draw people my way.

I've learned to spot myths about myself.  I try to work to dispel them.  I try to be a heck of a lot more authentic now than ever before.

And, in the midst of this I see the potential of love.  The quality of male friendships have deepened.  People come and go just like they do in your life.  This is a healthy thing.  But there are several gentleman in my sphere that seem to have taken on deeper meaning.  One especially has captivated my being.  We've been intimate.  He satisfies deep hungers and needs within me....and from what he says, I do the same for him.  We exchange numerous emails during the day.  We share a meal several times per week.  Then we share those special times of naked intimacy on no set timetable.  But it just happens....it's meaningful....it's intense....it's passionate.

So I have learned to sit back and to enjoy the journey...this journey that I'm on.  Not worried too much about any specific desitination.  That, after all, should take care of itself.

But life sure feels good at this point of my existence.  I am surrounded by those who love me.....family.....extended family.......friends.....and others.  I have the affections of a good man for now....and if it should end tomorrow....it's been worth it.  I'm a better man because of it.

Finally, I have learned to love...unconditionally.  I'm amazed at just how unfathomnable it is. 

Oh, dear reader, I've not arrived yet.  I'm not perfect.  I still have my list of improvements that I need to make.

The never ending list.

Greetings from Your Long Lost Friend

Hello everyone.

It has been ages since I last posted.  I apologize and realize that I need to take a few moments to catch you up.  Things certainly have been busy around my house.  So here goes.

Frank Has The Blues

Yesterday was a good day until I had a surprise visitor show up on my doorstep.

Mom O'Lovey came by.

As I have said before, I took her to the emergency room a couple of months ago and was with her when they told her she had Stage 4 Metastatic Lung Cancer -- the same exact type that killed my mother.

At that time, it was as if someone had hit me in the gut.  The air had been knocked out of me.

You see, since the divorce, she and I have become quite close -- in spite of the gay thing -- and the way Lovey told it, making her life hell!

Mom O'Lovey lives just three blocks away from me.  So, this has helped to cement our relationship in a very special way.  It also does not hurt to have her favorite granddaughter living with me.

I had just emptied a box of my parents belongings...and had found all of mom's statements from the medical center all during the time she was in chemo.  Seeing all that....and having Mom O'Lovey show up at my door, well it just really moved me.

Mom O'Lovey's daughters have advised her against taking chemo.  Basically they have scared her to death.  I've told them of the recent breakthroughs in cancer treatment by "souping up the patients white blood cells to target leukemia"...and then they want to test it on other cancers.   Mom has nothing to lose at this point...but they poo-pooed the idea.

They are in favor of sending her to Mexico to have coffee colonics.  Eating grass.  Drinking awful smoothies.  Or being scanned by a special machine that does things to you and has cured multitudes in the mid-west.  But they finally found this person up north who has a "cure" that will make it all better.  You see, in their minds, these "real" cures are not broadcast widely because of a vast conspiracy in the medical community.  They want people to die so that they can have these expensive treatments to line their pockets with money.  It's a conspiracy!

In the meantime, Mom has missed the window of time that chemo and radiation could actually help her.  Doctors have told her family she now has two months remaining.  A lot of this is because they did not allow her to choose chemo as an option two months ago.  Valuable time was wasted.  And now...I'm watching her deteriorate.  She is slowing down.  She is feeble.

She is going to spend thousands of dollars to these other "cures."

But watching her yesterday, I ached.  It really hurt me.  Can't tell you how difficult this all is to watch from afar.

All I know to do is to tell her everyday how much I love her.  I reach out and hold her hand.  I give her big hugs.

Then when I am home.  Alone.  I cry.

Always Hopeful -- Always Disappointed

Well, Frank has gotten several new queries from men as a result of one of my postings on those silly dating sites.  Here's an update:

1.  Mike - 69 yo, who works two buildings over from where I do.  He's attractive.  He's kind and gentle.  BUT...just found out he is married to a woman who does not know.  -- Buzzer sounds.  

2.  Mike - 42 yo,works not far from me, cute as can be, affectionate.  BUT...found out he is married to a woman.  His desires are for a man that can host for rip-roaring sex during the day.  Not really looking for a relationship -- Buzzer Sounds

3.  Edward -- 50something, lives just down the street from me.  Is single.  Wants to get to know me better.  He is single and available.  Not sure of his agenda.  Cautious.

4.  Mike - 58, works and lives in Maryland.  He is several counties over from where I am.  He is single  He had a longtime partner (over 20 years), but the partner died a number of years ago.  Mike is ready to date and get to know someone.  He likes my posting.  We've been corresponding for about a week.  He seems like a nice guy.

5.  Tim - early 50s, lives in my hometown.  He and I met in November and we clicked on a profound way.  We talk via telephone regularly.  Just found out that he is married and just now coming to terms with his gay feelings.  He doesn't know what to do about them.  -- Buzzer sounds.

6.  Brian -- early 40s.  This is "I Want to be Your Boyfriend."  Lives in the north end of the metro area in Silver Spring, MD.  Active duty military.  Single.  Comes across as very forward, intense, almost stalker material.  However in my discussions with him, he seems to just want a sex partner.  Someone that will get him off....and then that's it.  -- BUZZER sounds.

7.  Jeff -- 57, lives in NW DC near the Washington Cathedral.  Political celebrities live two houses down from him.  A bit snooty.  Name dropper.  Met on Friday...not truly impressed.  I think this one is dead in the water.  Not looking to hear from him again.

8.  Alex -- 54, lives in Silver Spring.  We dated for two months last fall.  A performer.  A diva.  Got mad because I have friends and had scheduled two back-to-back retreats long before I met him.  Complained of a variety of maladies.  Scheduled to visit his beach house.  Because of his anger about my retreats....offer recinded.  Nothing from him since early November.  Dead in the water.

9.  PDK - 61, lives in DC, been out on a number of occasions.  Seems to click on several levels.  Going through a lot of personal turmoil at present.  Not ready for anything serious.  Going through painful and ugly divorce.

10.  GRINDR DAVID - Attractive much younger man who is in the medical field.  Not sure of agenda there.  We talk frequently.

11.  GRINDR MARK -- 44, attractive, unemployed guy.  Been chatting frequently for about 6 months.  Singer

12.  DADDY HUNT ALLEN - 57, lives in New Jersey.  Opera Singer, nice looking guy.  Wants to come visit for a weekend.  He's even invited me to come see him perform in ROMEO & JULIET.  

None of these men are what I would say are truly serious prospects.  The BUZZER ringers are definitely not on my short list!  

Didn't really know how difficult Gay Male Dating is until I just wrote down the prospects from the last little while.    So, I am approaching the remain prospects cautiously.  

Do you blame me?  

So Frank Goes On Another Date...

Well, I was invited out on another date last night.  I still am getting hits on one of my dating profiles.  So, I met this guy as planned at a restaurant.

It was in the gay area of DC.  Wall-to-wall gay men...and assorted straights.  It was a very comfortable atmosphere.

He and I had much in common.  I did notice that there was an atmosphere of "snootiness" and "snobbery" that appeared briefly at times -- but it wasn't overbearing or obnoxious.  I decided it was something I could deal with/manage.

We talked about all kinds of stuff.  His comments were peppered repeatedly with, "I don't now why I'm telling you all these things."  Curious comment to be used so often.

But there we were.  The meal was ended.

We walked out the door of the restaurant.  Said our goodbyes.  He went one direction.  I went the other.

Because he paid for the meal, I wrote him a note of thanks.  This morning he responded with a note of his own saying that he had a good time.  Kind of felt flat.  No real warmth.

I guess that was that.

On another front...and after I had left the restaurant, I went to another gay establishment not far away.  While seated and sipping my diet soda, a man caught my eye.  I thought nothing of it.   I continued to people-watch, next thing I know, nicely built stranger has saddled up next to me and chats me up.  Turns out he is from out of town, but comes to DC monthly, and is looking for quality friends.  So, we talked a while.  He was catching an early flight out today, but asked for my email address.  So, I gave him mine, he gave me his.

He wrote me a sweet warm note and thanked me for my friendliness.  He thinks I am "cool".  He's going to contact me when he comes back to town in a few weeks.

Life is full of twists and turns.  

"I Want To Be Your Boyfriend" Part 2

Tonight I worked quite late in the office.  While I was there I got two text messages from the man who said that he wanted to seriously be my boyfriend.

They said:

"Hey, I had fun the other night.  I'm aching for you!  What are you doing?"

Aching for me?

He sounds like he needs to take something for that.

I was not overly impressed.

Tired of Being Gay

After all the events of this week -- the drama...the man who wants to be my boyfriend....and the various other sundry flakes, I am sort of at the point of being literally sick of being gay.

Being gay has consumed the majority of my life.  I spent years of trying to conform and be what society totld me was "normal."  Only to find out that I was not "normal" in that sense.  I had to learn what my "normal" meant.  I had to learn how to become authentically me.

In the process I lost a marriage.  I lost a longterm relationship.  I sired three children and I now have a grandson.

I've seen the seamy underside of gay life.   I've explored.  I've found out just how comfortable I am with certain aspects of gay sexuality.  I've found out what parts of it I am not comfortable with.

I've done what is expected of me in that I have put myself into the gay male dating world.  I've met many, many men from all walks of life.  Some of them I would give my right arm to be their partner/mate/what have you.  But either they just don't want me.  Or they live billions of miles away.  Or they are partnered or married.  Or they have issues -- it's them they say...and not me.  Or they like to play games.  Or they are messed up in someway and need time to process.  Or they want to just get in my bed to relieve a bodily need.

The list goes on and on and on.

Why can't I find a mate?

So, today, I find myself just wanting to stop the merry go round, take my cotton candy and go home -- alone.

"I Want To Be Your Boyfriend"

Well, I finally got a hit from one of my dating entries from a younger man who told me "I want to be your boyfriend."

He told me all about himself.  He's divorced. He's military. He just got transferred here to DC and he saw my profile and my picture and he wants to be my man.  He also went to college where I did in my hometown.  

We have lots in common.  

So we had been conversing for several months.  We've also had a number of telephone conversations.  He sounded sane.  

Hmmmm.....could this be the one.

Last night I agreed to meet him.  Our first face-to-face meeting.  

We talked and talked and talked.

Finally, when I said I needed to get going, he said he would walk me outside.  Under the glow of the lights in the parking lot of the restaurant, he proceeded to tell me how "hot" I was.  How he wants to be my boyfriend.  He wants us to live together.  

The clincher, he wanted to take me to the hotel across the street and "bang me" then and there.  

Not the approach to win Frank over for sure.

I told him "No," but thanked him for the interest.  It made him angry.  

He left in a huff and did not look back.

Suppose that was that!

The Beginning of a New Week

The time changed this weekend.  I was off work yesterday.  So I'm sitting here in the dark, savoring my morning coffee and listening to the rain hit my window.  The daughter who lives with me had to be in to her office super early this morning, so I now have some time to reflect and write this post before I head out for the day.

Still can't believe what I did on Friday.  So juvenile.  So downright wreckless.

All in the name and spirit of feeling connected to another guy.  

Apparently I am not alone. 

In a brief moment of quiet exploration, and as I analyze my blog design, I clicked on a number of blogs that I have listed on mine.  Sorry to say, a number of them are no longer active.  This is sad.  

So then I analyzed my stats to see what blogs were referring people over here and I found several that I plan to highlight in my planned revision of my site.  On top of this, I have bookmarked a ton of blogs that I found that were somewhat interesting -- albeit downright scary. 

Trust me!

I never want to use those men as roll models.

A lot of them are into barebacking.  They use their blogs to tell how many unprotected loads of cum they receive in a given week with descriptions of how those loads got there and the men from whom they are acquired.  In my old age, I am shocked at the number of married men out here who gladly do the deed for these men and the ones who are on the receiving ends of these guys' own deposits.

They are not worried in the least, apparently, of HIV or anything else that is lurking in sex play land and in the name of lust, are willing to stick there member into any available hole from any available source.  Or there are the guys who will accept any member from any man that wants to, unsheathed, unprotected -- having multiple partners in rapid succession, dumping loads into their bodies.  

As highlighted on Friday, I am no saint.  

But I am a bit old-fashioned.  I just want one guy.  One guy to grow old with.  One guy to spend the good times with.  One guy to be there for the bad times.  One guy to make passionate love with.  Something that lasts.  Not something that is based on a grunt, a groan, a moan, a jettison of 10 ccs of intimate liquid.....and then off to find still more with God knows who.

In this world of fast hookups....meaningless romps......transmission of killer bugs in ecstasy-filled fits of man lust, is there anyone on the planet like me?  Someone who values a relationship -- in all ways?

Gosh the going is so slow.

Ashamed and Vulnerable

That last post I almost erased.

It isn't me.  I don't go trolling for anonymous sex in public places.

But I am surprised that I did fall into that behavior on Friday.  There are no excuses.

Really.

I suppose I consider myself vulnerable.  I mean, I am not getting any younger and when a hot, young guy expresses interest -- in whatever venue --  I respond.

It scared me.

After all, I'm not THAT desperate.  I don't have to beg for sex.  I know how to find it.  I  have had my fair share.

But I think what I'm looking for is emotional.  I need to feel connected to someone.  I need to know that I am more than "Daddy Warbucks".  That I matter to someone.  I want to be first in line for a change.  I don't like feeling as though I were 6 month old leftovers in the bottom of the freezer nursing freezer burn.

I want a healthy male relationship.

I keep looking...

Something I am Not Proud of!

I did something yesterday that really bothered me.  It's something I have not done in over 20 years.

I feel really guilty about it.

So, I must share it with you.

First, some history:

Midway through my marriage the gay thing was weighing heavily on my mind.  I was lonely for male companionship.  Heck, I was even happy for male touch.  Affirmation.  A hug.  Whatever I could get, I was happy with.

At the time, I was working in an office building over a mall.  The mall had three notorious men's rooms that had lots of gay male action.

During those old days, I met some other very nice closeted gay males, including the son of one famous religious figure.  As a result of that meeting, he invited me to come visit his home -- and as it happened, I did go to his house on the very first official Martin Luther King Birthday Holiday.    We certainly did celebrate while his father's picture looked on.  It was surreal.

Yesterday, curiosity got the best of me.

I found myself having lunch in that mall.  It is in the midst of a massive renovation...and it has a maze of corridors now.

I decided to check out those men's rooms to see if it still is the hot bed of man to man activity that it used to be.  One of the men's rooms have been remodeled and it is not "activity friendly."  The other two have not changed at all.

When I went into the first one, I genuinely had to use the bath room.  So I went into a stall.  All was quiet.  BUT...

The man in the next stall was young and aggressive.  He must have been watching through a crack in the door of his stall as I entered and liked what I looked like.  Next thing I know, he was looking up at me underneath the partition.

He wanted me to kneel down for him to access my equipment.

He wanted to provide me with oral pleasure then and there.

He was no older than his late twenties.  Drop dead gorgeous too.

I was rattled.  But I composed myself enough to shake my head no...  and I flushed.  Stood up.  Pulled up my pants and opened the door and went over to the sink.  At that moment another gentleman entered.  He also gave me the "hungry eye."

Inside I was trembling.

As I stood at the sink, the young man who had made the pass at me left his stall and came over to wash his hands.  He stood right next to me.  He mimicked every move I did.

He left the men's room just before me. When I left, he was standing right in front of me.  As I passed, he said, "Follow me."

With that, he walked down another corridor.

It felt like he was dragging me with invisible chains fastened with handcuffs.  I had no control.  There I was, a well-dressed,  middle aged, fairly attractive, gay gentleman following this well-built, hottie twenty-something, stranger, to god knows where.

He kept turning and smiling.

We wound up at the third of the men's rooms in the mall.  We were alone.  He walked over to the urinal and dropped his sweats.

It revealed that he was indeed well built and happy to see me.

I was shaking like a leaf in a bitter cold north wind.

I couldn't move.

My hormones were affecting my judgment.

Just then, another man entered...and it broke the trance.  I washed my hands at the sink.  My new friend did too  He again left before I did.  This time he stood outside in very close proximity to the door and I had walk right by him...very closely, in order to leave.

He touched me on the shoulder.

"Hi!  I'm Stefan!"  He offered a handshake.

I told him hello.  Told him my name.  "Nice meeting you.  It's a little scary in a place like this."

You think?

He asked if I lived close by.  I told him no.  Turns out he works not far from me  He passed me his email address.  He wants to talk to me more.

Then we both went our separate ways.

Thoughts on the Past

So on this Friday I am being a lazy bum.

I am taking my sweet time about getting ready to go to the office.  This is probably due to the fact that it has been a hellish few weeks at my agency.  Lots of pressure....lots of stress....no successes.

As I wondered the halls of the palace -- my new grand office building in downtown DC -- I was telling one of my employees about how the agency "used to be" many years ago.  Is it because I am older that I keep thinking back how attractive the "good ole days" were?

I remember my parents and my grandparents reminiscing about the past when I was younger.  I also remember thinking they were crazy for not appreciating the present.

Well, I'm on the cusp of turning 55 and I now understand.

My agency has gone from a sleepy, backwater, agency, that quietly did its job.  Where everyone worked for the good of the place.  Everyone was respected for being a colleague regardless of the grade level.  BUT NOW?  The place is cold and sterile.

A caste system has developed and is based on how high your office is in the building....and what side of the office you're on.

It's lost its way.

I could go on and on.

But this is a blog about gayness.

So as a twin thought on the topic of the good ole days, I'm thinking about when it was that I first released my differences -- mainly my attraction to men.

It runs very deep.

I remember the absolute fear I had.  I did not know what was happening.  All I remember as a child was how I liked to look at men....and how I really loved to sneak glimpses of them in the shower....or when they had their shirts off.

I especially remember feeling something strange about the age of six.  I was roughhousing with a cousin in his bedroom.  This cousin was in his late teens...and we were rolling around.  I remember that he was fully clothed, but he had on a t-shirt.  I remember feeling electric shocks (that's all I can liken it to) whenever my bare arms would brush against his biceps.  It made my stomach feel funny.  But I didn't understand it.

My fascination with men spilled over to watching the series, "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."  It wasn't the wild animals...or Marlin Perkins.  I loved watching Jim Fowler.  I hungered to see him.  I didn't understand why, other than I thought he was handsome.  I always wondered what he looked like with his shirt off.  That's him on the right.

When puberty hit...and my hormones raced, my face would burn when I was in the presence of a hot man.

My body was changing....lots was happening all at once.  I had feelings I had never experienced before.

I was totally frightened because I also knew that I had no interest in girls.

I remember my dad giving me a talk about not getting girls pregnant.  THE TALK.  In my head I couldn't figure out why I would even contemplating doing that to a girl.

The sad thing most of all is that I had no one to talk to.

So, here at 55...even though the "good ole days" do hold some pleasant memories, from a sexual development point of view, it was filled with fear.  I did not feel normal.  I spent much time trying to be someone I was not intended to be.  I suppose now I am more settled and more content than I have ever been.

I just long to have that special man.

It's never far from me.

Gay Parody of NOM Anti-Gay Marriage Video

I refuse to run the original NOM video because it is plain silly.  Basically it's a bunch of folks who complain about how gay marriage "threatens" them.

So, these good folks have come up with a great parody of the ad and it is tremendously funny.

The Gay Kindle Ad

Here's the gay kindle ad that was just released. Have to say, it is really something to see how much the world has changed.

Then this VW ad really talks to me. I was always the sissy. Didn't know how to play or pitch or do other macho things as a kid. It's also special because I drive the car in the ad.

Finally, here is a music video of a song that I love "Set Fire to the Rain". However it is done with a gay twist. Oh, and "Adele" is not the REAL ADELE but an impersonator!

Unexpected Day Off

With threats of a large winter storm, the federal government closed today. So, I was able to just turn over and sleep in this morning. I had a wonderful time just staying warm and dry. But I did have some interesting moments.

I got a number of telephone calls from men I have come to know through the years. One in particular called me and I called him back last night and we talked for quite sometime. We did FACETIME with our respective IPhones...and it was good to see him.

He has been suffering a lot lately in that he has spent a whole lot of time tending to his sick wife. She knows he is gay and she controls every aspect of his life. She also berates him and seems to be quite controlling.

He is really at his breaking point.

I can understand why.

He called because she was away, and he just had to hear a friendly and understanding voice on the other end of the line.

Well, I have no problems talking.

We talked about everything.

We talked about men. We talked about our past loves. We talked about breakups. We talked about divorce. We talked about kids.

I shared with him some resources -- even showed him some funny gay videos. I actually got the man to laugh and laugh and laugh. Via FACETIME he was even able to meet one of my children.

Here's the note I received this morning from him:

Good Morning!

I am in such a better place this morning. It was great to laugh, relax and be myself. I did want to share with you 2 of the commercials that I mentioned last night. The first is the Volkswagen commercial with the dad throwing the baseball to his son. The second is the Amazon commercial,


I am sitting here replaying our entire conversation through my mind... and something that gave me such joy is to see the relationship you have with your daughter. I am so glad that I got a glimpse... it gives me hope.

So much of my personality and psyche is wired to be the "peacekeeper" that I wonder if I can ever rock the boat to be authentic and last night was a glimpse into how your being true to yourself and those you love, is really peaceful.

Thank-you for being a part of my life and journey. Fondly, B


When I receive messages like this, it helps me see just how far I have come. It also makes me very happy that I was able to brighten someone else's day -- especially when he is traveling a similar road that I have... God knows it isn't easy.

Just One...

I just returned from a wonderful week visiting my daughter in Nashville, TN. She and I have always had a somewhat unique relationship in that we have always been close. We can talk about anything and we generally do when put in the same place together. So it is not a shocker when I tell you we talked about everything under the sun.

We talked about dating – her’s and my lack of it! She has a full fledged boyfriend. I have one man that I am very interested in, but I’m cautious and not sure if it really could develop into something serious.

We talked about her dreams for her career in the music biz. I told her about my career and thoughts of retirement. I even am considering a move to Nashville upon retirement. No decisions on that front yet….but it is certainly fun to think about!

I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame. Toured the Patsy Cline exhibit. Explored antique stores and vinyl record stores. Visited the Grand Ole Opry hotel. Watched my daughter do some recording. Was surprised that she had me join in as back up to her on one of her songs. So, I’m now immortalized on CD!

As I wondered the streets of Nashville and ate dinner out with my daughter, I was totally taken by the beautiful men there – all ages – all types.

But then, there are beautiful men everywhere – even here in the Washington, DC metro area. So, why can’t I just find one to get serious with?  One that I can officially date.  One that I can introduce to my family and to maybe even get serious with.  Ah....

Who knew?

Well, I am a gay man.  That's no shocker.  Right?  So, as a gay man, I am very familiar with the male anatomy and quite comfortable with all facets of it.  I also know that part of normal sex play with gay men includes playing with their anus.  Gay men tend to not be so frightened of their butts.

Or so I thought, until I picked up a book entitled "STUCKUP:  100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be.

It is hilarious!

So, as a result of my reading I found out that men have the prevalence of rectal foreign bodies is 28 times higher than in women.   Of this number, foreign objects in the male body are most likely to be in their 20s or in his 60s.

Not sure why that is the case.  So I plan to keep that statistic in my mind as I get closer to my 60s.

This statistic is for men in general -- not just gay men.

The book highlights all kinds of things that get stuck up there:  scissors, lightbulbs, coke bottles, glue sticks, bananas, cucumbers, flashlights,  salt shakers,  shoes...

The list goes on and on.

I am totally amazed.

I guess it goes to show you that folks do all sorts of things in the name of pleasure.

I'll never look at straight men in the same way again.

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

This is always a tough day. I generally find myself out to dinner – alone and surrounded by all kinds of happy hetero couples.

It makes me melancholy.

For those twenty some odd years that I was married, I always got my ex-wife flowers, a card, and a box of Trinidads from Fannie Mae candies. She made that candy last for months in the freezer because they were so good.

When I think about all that I become quite misty and wistful.

I also remember not being to keen on the idea of every getting lovey a truly romantic Valentine’s Day card. I guess on certain levels I felt like a fraud. I was one after all. It took me the longest time to try and sound romantic. Or to think of something to say. It was also like the sex – very mechanical.

I can’t even compare it to anything.

It is just just foreign to me and contrary to my true nature.

But give me a man. A special man. A good man.  An honest man.  One that I love. One that loves me. All for the right reasons. Then I understand everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. I know why love letters, poetry and love songs are written. I know what romance is. I know how to make someone feel special.

But with Lovey, I was seriously deficiemt in all that.

And I am filled with regret. Serious regret.

I wish I could go back and rewrite history and make it all better for her.

I am haunted by the fact that although I spent so much time trying to be something that I am not, that I don’t believe I truly tried hard enough.

And there it goes.

It can’t be changed.

Guilt….the what if’s. The wondering.

The need for self forgiveness. Self-acceptance. Self awareness.

All are my constant companions.  The private longing.

I do my restaurant Valentine’s ritual. I take myself to a nice restaurant. My table is crowded with all my constant copanions.

I turn and there they all sit. All around me.

Couples.

Hetero couples.

Sitting as close as they can. All snuggled up. Speaking in whispers. Looking all goo-eyed at each other. Some nuzzle into necks of the other. Others are kissing. Some need to get a room or go back the room before the food arrives.

Here I sit.

Watching all this. Seeing some couples and wondering “How did that happen?” How did that man wind up with that woman? How did that woman wind up with that man.

Attraction is a mysterious thing!

And here I sit

Alone.

One day I will have someone here at the table with me.

OUT OF THE ASHES "Retold"

It’s rather hard to believe, but I have been writing this blog since Spring of 2006. At the time I was in the thick of things. I learned of Lovey’s plans to divorce me a scant 8 months before. I felt alientated from everyone. I felt so much pain. I was frustrated. I was quite frightened.

Most of all, I felt alone.

All of these feelings probably indicated that it was not the time to write a blog of what was happening to me. I vowed at the time that it would be unvarnished and not written to make the author look good….or to look innocent.

Ever since, I think you dear readers can say that I have kept my word.

One of the other characteristics of the blog was that I wrote in a disjointed manner. Some entries I would be recounting how I came to be. How the gay thing became a very painful and conscious presence in my daily life. Then it would jump from that pain, to the pain I was sufferening from the death of my marriage.

Then I would trash the ex wife.

Her family.

Former friends.

Former churches.

Former church friends.

Let’s just say, I was not in my “happy place.”

So, in reviewing close to 1,000 posts, I’ve decided to begin the story again. Some of you have asked me to speak more of myself and to add more details about myself.  Given the time and distance from those early and painful posts, I think I can do a better job at retelling the story better and more coherently.

This is what I will do.

As I write this entry, I have an idea. I would appreciate your input. Should I just stick these new entries into the old blog and continue to insert current ideas and themes? Or would it just be better for me to create a new blog and entitle it, “OUT OF THE ASHES “Restart”? If I did that, I would continue to post new entries in the old blog, but tell my tale about myself, my marriage, etc., in the new blog.

Or of course, I could delete the old blog and just start all over again!

Feel free to drop me a note.   What do you think?

I’ll go from there.

Deal?

My Day Off

Today I really did not have much of a day off.  At 7am my telephone went off because one of my senior specialists called to say that her mother in law had just died.  Because I had a new employee beginning this morning and the specialist was responsible for getting her settled, I got up and was sitting at my desk by 8:45am.

I got her settled.

Then came home.

So I am getting ready for bed.

What a day!

So....

I've heard from a number of you in my post for information for my "census."

So, I'm toying with the idea of going back and starting my blog over.  Oh I wouldn't delete the 900+ posts already here, but I would begin my story again.  Tell you more about me and how I came to this place.  

It would be more thought out.

It would not be enveloped with the drama and hurt that I suffered at the hand of Lovey.  Hopefully it would just be an account of what happened.  

So, don't be surprised when it starts.  (I probably will insert current stuff too along the way.)

Trying Hard to Learn From My Mistakes

Good Lord!  Have you ever done something so really dumb that when you came to yourself you were so mortified you didn't know what to do?

I did just that very thing this weekend.

Now I feel mortified.

I want to hide!

LOL!

Let's Take a Census: Check In Here Now!

Traffic appears to have picked up greatly around here over the time that I have been writing this blog. From my stats that I view from time to time, I see that I have readers from around the world.

Could I ask all of you to do me a favor?

Could you take just a few moments and use the comment feature in this entry to answer the questions, "How You Found OUT OF THE ASHES?", "Why you come back?" and also to share a little bit of information about yourself.

Also if you have any questions you'd like me to answer.... These could prove great fodder for future entries.

I love writing for you. But at times I feel like my life is so boring and slow. I feel like all I do is whine about the same things.

I sure would appreciate your feedback.

Thanks loads!

Frank

Quiet Time

I just went by this stately building tonight as I drove a dear friend home tonight and then passed it again as I returned in the direction of my house.   He and I have been friends for several years.  He has sort of been my rock through the loss of my mom, my dad and assorted others.  He's always availabe to talk to me about anything.

I also make myself available for him to talk to me about anything, anytime.

Tonight was payoff for the holidays.  He announced to me at Christmas that my present would be dinner and a play at the Arena Stage when both our schedules permitted.

It has only taken us a month and a half to do this.  But tonight we did and we saw THE GRAND PARADE OF THE 20TH CENTURY.  It's an interesting brand new piece that I am still processing.

It is cold here -- very cold.  My house is quiet.  The only knows I hear is the ticking of my grandfather clock in the hallway.

My daughter is asleep in her bed.  I'm using this quiet time to draft this entry.  (See I am trying to be more faithful about writing to you, dear readers.  LOL) Occasional gusts of wind blow through the window screens of this house making that low moan.  At times this noise is creepy -- especially late at night.  But tonight it is oddly comforting.

It has been what I would consider to be a great weekend.  I have spent some time with several friends.  Shared some meals.  Went to a play.  Talked to all my children.  Made plans concerning the grand son. And this is the second long stretch of time that finds me with some quiet solitude.

Time to think.

Time to pray.

Time for hope.

Time for regret.

I look to the wall across from me.  There I have many photographs of people that have been or currently are important to me.  In several shots are my beloved parents -- in much happier times.

I just wish there were words to convey my feelings of loss and vulnerability.  I miss them so.  I still tear up when I look at them...and remember the good times and the not so good times.  Those times when I could have been better or done something more for them.

Yes I am full of regret and longing.

But there is nothing I can do about it.

It hurts.

Although I am successful.  I have the house.  The cars.  The kids. The grandchild.  I still feel so empty. At times that overtakes me and I feel so alone.

It's sad I know.  I should feel blessed.  I have family.

Many gay men don't have what I have.

I count my blessings every day.

But on cold winter nights like tonight -- when I miss my parents and that extended family with whom I grew up -- when I think back on how life used to be as compared to what it is now, I get profoundly sad.

I am sad that I am gay.

All those hopes and dreams I had for myself once went down the drain in 2007...and again in 2008.......and with my parents in 2010 and 2011.  Now I'm trying revel in a new life.  But I feel stuck.  I just can't seem to make it over this hump called gay.

I explained all this to my friend tonight as we drove passed the Capitol.  He said that the reason I feel so weird about Gay Male Dating is that many gay men are only interested in hookups or FWB in order to have their sexual needs met.  They find their intimacy needs met through fiercely loyal friendships.  Then there are those guys like me who want both in one package -- one guy for preferably one lifetime.    He says that guys like me generally give up and move on to live lives of lonely singledom -- primarily from fatigue of not finding that one.

I have to agree with this.

It certainly has been the case with me.

So, I truly wonder if I should have continued to play it straight.  At least at this age my exwife would have still been there for companionship.  Yes, she would have still driven me crazy on a host of other topics, not to mention that her constant nagging would probably have sent me into an early grave.

Would that have been better as compared to what I have now?

I just don't know.

I don't think I'm needy.  I enjoy me.  I like the man that I am.    I just want to share myself with someone.  I want to share my life with him.  I want him to be a part of my family.  I want him to enjoy having my kids as his.....my grand son as his.....

I feel so silly.  But I continue to hear that old grandfather clock ticking away in my hallway.

I'm not getting any younger.

Excitement Abounds

As the sun rises over the Washington, DC area this morning, I am totally excited beyond words!

I just received word that my grandson is coming to visit Grandpa on Tuesday!  On top of this, he and his parents are having dinner.  Mom O'Lovey is going to join us here.

THEN, grandson is spending the night!  YUP...my eldest daughter and me get to spend quality time with the boy.

We are simply beside ourselves with excitement.

I've not seen him in two months.

Aw, I may be gay as a goose.  I may have had a rotten marriage.  My relationship with Lovey is still strained somewhat.

BUT, I have my kids.  I have my daughter in law.  AND I have my first grand baby.

So, I guess the 26 years of hell were worth something!

The End of a Very Eventful Week

So it is well past midnight.  i just returned home from an awful movie that I attended with friends.  We had dinner before hand.  But my thoughts were in other places.

One of the two crushes appeared in my head.  For the life of me, I could not get him out of it.  Oh, how I wished a million times that he had been with me.  I wish that I could level with him.  I'm home now...alone....and how my thoughts create romantic scenarios of him being here with me.  Of us upstairs in my bedroom, spooning.....snuggled up close...without cares in the world.

But there are cares and concerns for both of us.

I was so overcome with feelings about this man that I told my friends about him tonight.  My one telltale comment was, "Oh gosh...if this man were to express interest or say at least he was open to the idea of beginning something, you would see one happy Frank!"

But he doesn't know what I am thinking.

I don't know what he's thinking.

Still determined on my end to just be me...and to not try and be something I'm not when I'm in his presence.  I don't want to make a pest of myself.  When he and I are together, I try to keep a poker face.  I try not to look like a sick puppy.

This stuff is so hard.

As I have explained the situation to my friends, they have said that actually things appear to be progressing nicely.  They say that I should not try to force things.  They say that my approach of just being me such just be the right way.

So I slowly move forward.

Lovey has been in town this week.  She's been with her mother.

Today they all invited me down for breakfast and to spend time with "grandma" as she prepared for her various doctor visits today and her chemo and radiation treatments.  These things have not yet taken their toll, but from my experience with my parents, it won't take long to begin seeing big-time changes.

I had only been in the house a few moments, when Lovey appeared..and she motioned for me to join her in her bedroom.  She wants me to refer to her mother as MOM -- not GRANDMA.  She says that it would mean a lot for her for me to do that.

I explained that I know my place and that I do no want to do anything that would step on toes or to cause problems.

She says it wouldn't..but would mean so very much to her mother.

I have crossed another milestone with Lovey apparently.

Who knows?  Perhaps there will be some healing between us.

Life certainly can come full circle.  My blessings never stop.  I'm especially thankful to have family that love me.  And to even have an ex-wife that on occasion can be kind and gentle.

No delusions here though.

I realize that all this can change in a flash and I am learning to try and relish the blessings as they come in this season.

As I told my friends this evening.....my man friend is awesome.  As fickle as gay relationships can be, I like how I am feeling at this moment.  I really want to savor every moment of it.  If it continues, I will be even happier than ever.  If it fizzles, well each day at this moment makes it wonderful.

If you were in my shoes, would you tell the guy in question?

Bad News

I have quite a confession to make.

As you know, I'm a gay man.

No shocker there really.

But I enjoy gay porn.

Yup, that's right.  I enjoy pornography.  Oh, I'm not addicted to it.  I'm not glued to it 24/7.  But I really enjoy watching guys make love to each other.  I'm not into that slam, bam mechanical sorts of porn.   Or where the actors are not really looking at each other.  Or they are just working to get the money shot down on film.

I like watching guys who are definitely into each other.  You can see it in their eyes.  You can also see how they touch each other, if hey are really into one another.

It's a beautiful thing to watch to me.  And, it also facilitates my pleasing of myself.

It works well.  It's 100% safe.  It also helps with a lot of fantasies I have.

But, rest assured, when I have someone in my life that I can be into....and to love 24/7...my interest in porn will slowly wane....as I focus more on my partner, boyfriend, or husband.

Another confession.  I have some real crushes on some porn stars.  One of my earliest crushes involved Al Parker.  I didn't see any of his porn until after he died from AIDS.  Another porn star I had a crush on was Zak Spears.  He's still hot after all these years...and acts in Porn still...although not as often.

But my most recent fave and crush centered on an actor who was named Arpad Miklos.  See the pic.  Aw...watching him in anything is awesome.  He's handsome.  He's built.  He knows what he's doing under the sheets.

He's beautiful to watch.

But today I got word that this beautiful man, at the age of 45, killed himself on Sunday.  Aw...I can't help but wonder why.  He was successful.  He was kind.  He was generous.  He was hot.  But clearly, something caused him to want to stop living.    And he did.

With the assistance of pills and alcohol.

Friends found him.

They also said they didn't know why.  They knew he was not happy.  But there was nothing that indicated he was THAT upset.

So why?

This is another life lesson.  You can be the most beautiful person on earth.  You can literally have any man on the planet.  But in this realm, you can still be miserable.  You can be so very unhappy, that you want to make a permanent decision that will handle a temporary issue.

This then leads me back to my earlier thought.  I am blessed.  I am happy.  Although I have no boy friend or significant other -- this does not define my success.

I just need to be me.  I just need to be happy.  I just need to enjoy life.

But I miss Arpad....and I did not know him.  I probably was not even his type.  But, oh my goodness.

Rest dear friend.  You were loved by many men like me that you had never met.

What I've Learned About Me

I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with an older man today. He is roughly 11 years older than me. He has been in an open relationship with his partner for 40 years. They have, what for them, has worked seamlessly. His partner has his life in Palm Springs. My friend has his life here in Washington, DC. They visit each other periodically. Play with others as they see fit -- not together.

In his day, although now he is a very attractive older man, he had porn star looks. So did his partner. When I looked at their pictures from then, it struck me how closely both resembled the late porn star, Al Parker. I think in the 1970s, most gay men tried to look like him. The chiseled good looks, the mustache, the flannel shirts.  Sometimes he appeared with a full beard as well.  (See photo at left.)

My friend asked me how things were going.  He knows that I have been struggling with the whole issue of relationships.  He knows that I have had issues a bit with my self esteem and my self confidence.  He also knows that I have been wondering a lot about whether I am relationship material and my "track record" with relationships.

Over breakfast at his place today before I went to the office -- he lives not far from my building -- he did his best to make me feel better.   He talked about how difficult it was back in the 70s to be gay.  He said that he is thankful to be living at this time.  To see gay marriage become an honest alternative.  How being gay is not much of big deal.

He then saddled up next to me.

Oh, I wasn't being a Sad Sack.  I had kept the conversation upbeat.   So I wasn't fishing for comfort or compliments.

But deep inside me...when he got as close to me as he possibly could....and wrapped those big muscular arms around me...and told me to rest my head on his chest.  Well,  unless you have been where I currently am....where any sort of physical affection is like an Oasis somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.   I was a bit like a very dry sponge.

It felt so good to hear his words of encouragement and to experience that physical touch.   I felt alive in ways that I can't describe.

As I left his place just before 9:00 am this morning, I realized that when my time comes, I"m going to have an awesome love life.  I'm pretty settled with myself.  My friend says that I should not feel 2nd class in any way.  He even thinks I'm hot!  LOL.

So I just need to be myself.  To enjoy life.  To be thankful for all the blessings that have been heaped upon me.

My time will come he says.

I just need to be patient.

I believe that!

Later on this morning I was further affirmed by another friend who called to ask if we might catch up over dinner and a play this weekend.  I accepted.

So my life is chugging right along.

Time to Refocus

I've just emerged from one of those periods where I have been fixated on finding a relationship.  I've done a lot of deep introspection.  I don't understand why I have such a hunger to be hooked to someone else.

Two men have emerged as people I have developed strong feelings for.  But it's selfish.  It's all in my head.  I don't have any confirmation that these guys really have any interest in me

Why do I feel so incomplete because I'm alone?  Perhaps its because I am an only child and so used to being told how much I'm loved.  How much I'm cared for.  Hearing from my parents and them telling me how much I mean to them.

Sadly, as I look back on my marital life I can honestly say that I can't remember feeling "loved."  I never felt special.  I never felt as though I mattered.  Perhaps I am cynical this evening, but I really feel like a pile of frozen leftovers.  I honestly feel a bit cold.  Very cynical.  When I think of Lovey, I only feel like leftovers...or Daddy Warbucks.

Over our 26 years I footed her bills. I never felt like I was loved.    Eight significant deaths occurred in my family -- all affiliated with my parents.  Not once did she write a card or to make a telephone call or to try and offer prayers with them.  And she was a minister.

When it comes to my gay life...oh there are guys who want to jump my bones and take me to bed.  Or they send me messages on the dating sites that are quite graphic.  They speak of candlelight and roses.  But the cynicism I feel about such things has made me doubt the sincerity of it all.

I am frustrated with myself.

I'm always the one to develop crushes.....I'm the one who is willing to tell the objects of my affection my true feelings, only to get a thousand reasons for not having those feelings returned in kind.

So, for now, I am just best relying on me.  Enjoying my alone time.  Try and stop thinking of ways to meet men or to develop friendships and do whatever to try and gain attention of someone.

I just need to relax.  Be me.

If someone is indeed interested in me, they need to let me know for a change.

A good thing about the crushes I have had show that I am alive.  I am able to have very strong and very deep feelings.  I know what that's like.  I love the invigoration.  I love the racing heart beat.  The spring in my step.

The smile on my face.

Aw, when it happens.

It's gonna be something.

But, I need to just be content with me.

Back Home...Late

It has been such a very busy day.

I'm exhausted.

I had a long day at my office. Then left and immediately went to an important church meeting.

I'm finally home.

No words of wisdom. No divine revelations.

Just tired...and a bit blue.

All this stuff that Mom O'Lovey is going through with cancer. For the past three weeks, I have dreamed nonstop of my parents.

I miss them so...

Does this ever get better? The feeling of loss.... The feelings of WHAM! Slap from left field?

Interesting Telephone Conversation

I have made a lot of friends overtime online.

It helps to have something in common. The gay thing tends to really bond men together.

For the past few momths I've been communicating with a brit. He has sent me pictures along the way and he appears to be drop dead gorgeous.

He comes to the states fairly frequently and has expressed the desire to meet me in person. So, I suppose I am open to this.

What can it hurt?

He emailed me on Friday to say he was arriving in Boston tonight for two nights. He wanted to know if he could have my telephone number for us to chat.

I said sure...and gave him my cell phone number.

He called. We spent almost one hour chatting.

The man has a way with words. The british accent is surely a turn on for me.

He really wants to meet soon.

My heart raced at all the things he said.

He seems like he has literally leaped from my dreams into shoe leather. He said stuff that only I have shared with you all in terms of the man I am looking for. The things he likes....the things he wants......the things he doesn't like.....

I am touched.

But as I have said in previous posts, it doesn't take a lot to sweep me off my feet. The two men that I know here....that I dream of....are in this league as well. But, they have not made any moves toward me.

All it takes is an imagination....a dash of romance.....deep affection....and a willingness to put me first for a change...and I can be had.

Sad but true!

Just Overall Weirdness....

I am not sure how to begin this post.  Today there is so much on my mind.  I suppose I will just begin to write and hopefully my thoughts will unfurl as they move from mind to the printed page on the Internet.

Ever since Mom O'Lovey has been diagnosed with lung cancer, I have been greatly troubled.  It just does not seem to be fair for me.  My goodness she has spent the majority of her 82 years on the planet trying to eat healthy, watch her carbs, and get as much excercise as possible -- from swimming....to aerobics.....to walking.....to tennis.

And now this.

She never smoked.

And now this.

And since I have spent so much time thinking about her, I've not been sleeping well at night.  I keep dreaming about my parents.  For some reason lakes or ponds and swans all are a part of these dreams.

I awaken all shook up.  Unsetttled.  Bothered.

I guess the fact that Mom O'Lovey struggling with lung cancer and all her scans and tests and chemo and radiation have dredged up all kinds of buried feelings and thoughts that I was just now beginning to move from.

And so I dream.

Bummer.

On top of this, I find myself pondering my love life, or lack there of.  The two men in my life currently that I am indeed so interested in are not available.  It would not be a good thing for me to jump up and say..."Hey!  I want to date you!"

I don't think either are available emotionally or physically.  Even though either one of these gentlemen could probably use a good romp in the hay.  I just don't feel right about raising my hand and volunteering for the mission.

The friendships I have with these men is indeed important to me.  I genuinely care for both of them.  (I have to be careful about what I write here, because they both know about this blog...and I would hate for them to read about themselves here.)

One of these men is many years younger than me.  The other is significantly older than me.  They both affect me in different ways.

My love for them could be tipped in either direction.

All the younger would have to do is to express interest.  The same is true for the older.

Given each's unique situation, I am in no hurry to get them to commit to me.  I am patient and willing to wait.  But my goodness, it would mean so much to me to be able to reach over and hold either man's hand.  Or to rest my ead upon his shoulder. Or to curl up on a sofa somewhere and just snuggle.

It's not a matter of jumping either man's bones.  Or wanting to get naked with them.

I guess if the truth be told, I am indeed in love.

This all reminds me of how it felt when I first met Zach.  The butterflies...the racing heart rate......the trembling hands.

Then I read I Corinthians 13 about what true love is and what true love is not.

Oh, I'm here.

I guess I am drawn more to one than to the other.  Even to the point of feeling guilty when I have sex with someone else.  It feels like cheating.

Now keep in mind, I've not been intimate with either of my guys.

We've not had the big discussion about monogamy and what that means for "us."

In my head though it feels like I am committed.  Being with anyone else just seems wrong.

But gosh.  I don't even know where I officially stand with these men.

Its frustrating.

I want to get down to business.  I want to help them through their time of sadness and difficulties.

But I am paralyzed by fear.

By fear of rejection.

By fear of failure.

By fear in general.

What do I do to get over this?

Do I throw all caution to the wind and level with these men?  Get the hurt and rejection over with.

What do I do?

Amour

Went to the movies today with a friend.

It was a foreign film entitled "Amour" with Jean-Louis Tringtinant from France. He was that hunk of manhood from the old 1960s film "A Man and A Woman."

Trust me, the years have not been that good to him.

I digress.

The movie centered on an elderly couple. The woman has a stroke. She continually gets worse. It shows how much time he spends with her and his loving care for her.

Have you ever been to one of those films where you just don't understand it.

Well, that's me on this one.

If you've seen it and understand it, feel free to comment on it. Supposedly it is expected to win for Best Picture this year, outshining Lincoln.

ICK!

Layers of an Onion

I've been accused of thinking to much == over analyzing.

Perhaps this is true. However, I find that as I journey through life, who better to ponder stuff with than me -- the guy that I am stuck with, who has sort of become my best friend. After all, I am always there for me. Even when others are gone.

So living this life and being out....and dealing with all things gay, it only makes sense for me to spend a degree of time trying to sort out why I feel the way I do about things.

The gay life, at least for me, seems to ebb and to flow. Sometimes I fixate on the topic of love and loneliness -- as I have for the past couple of weeks. At other times it moves to the backburner of my life while other issues move front and center.

It's sort of like watching the ocean at the beach. Some waves manage to get higher on the beach than others. Each wave is unique. Each has its own strength and affects its surrounding accordingly.

Today I am pondering the residual effects of wanting love.

I've glossed all over the intricacies of having a close partner. I've forgotten all the sleepless nights that Lovey inflicted upon when she was a close partner. Drama, drama and more drama with her.

But I wonder had I been straight...would that have been different.

Now that I am gay...would it all be different with a male partner.

As you can see, I have thought long and hard about all this.

Still, as I wonder through life I have concluded that I will have issues to deal with when that man does arrive on the scene.

Basee on my marriage ending, and that long term think I had with the other married guy (ZACH), I feel a bit protective of my heart. I don't want to open it up to someone so freely, only to have it torn asunder and ripped to shreds.

So my guy will have to be patient with me in the area of trust.

Oh, I can love. I can totally let go and enjoy all that it brings.

But I'm afraid.

I've discovered that I am truly afraid.

For all that I hope for...and all the crushes I have had, I am afraid of what might happen if one of these crushes turns to me and says "I've got a crush on you too...let's go for it and see what happens!"

This was illustrated a few days ago.

There is a man that I currently know that I have very deep feelings for. He does not know. Aw...he might have a clue. But, he doesn't really know the depth of them.

I spent some time with him...and as we visited, I couldn't help but notice his hands......his eyes........his body.....the way he moves..... Gosh, like a girl I sat there wondering what it would be like to hold his hands. To cup his cheeks and plant a little kiss on his beautiful lips. How I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and to let him know that there is a guy in his life that cares for him deeply.

As we parted company, we ended our visit with a big bearhug....and a brief kiss.

Parts of me rumbled to life. My heart raced.

Wet spots appeared in my slacks -- what a mess!

But as I walked away, the apparition of fear hit me.

In the midst of this pleasant experience....of feeling like this man is so right.....and how I could just be so happy with this man....

The fear erupted. Can I truly trust him? Would this be a relationship that I could handle? Can he trust me?

In my heart, I know that I have done a lot of things that the gay world considers normal. I've had more sex partners than the average person. I've tried different things -- more than the average person.

So, would this man forgive? Could I forgive him?

Monogamy....I say I want it. But in the gay world....could I real do it? I mean I have allowed the sex genie to escape from her bottle. Gay men have sex because its fun...and a lot will tell you that it cements friendships.

But really.

What kind of partner/husband would I make?

My psyche is a lot like an onion.....layers....upon layers....upon layers.

The Bad News

Came home early from the office. I had a problem with the old sinuses...but when I got home, I got a telephone call from Lovey.

Her mother got the results back from her PETSCAN from yesterday. The cancer has metastasized and is in her collarbone and a femur (leg). She begins radiation next week...and followed by chemo.

So it brings back a lot of bad memories for me about my own parents.

It makes me realize just how fragile life is and how things can come from left field. Sort of makes my other gay issues pale in comparison.

Interesting People Who Cross My Path

I am always amazed at how many different kinds of people cross my path.  I am just trying to be myself.  Not worry about the dating thing.  Even though there are two men that I have humongous crushes on.  Either of these guys could be the one -- but each has their own set of baggage that prevents them from seeing me in any way of romantic entanglement.

Tonight I have received texts from both.  

So, I am glowing right now.  

Today one of them kissed me even!

WOW!

I also received an email from someone that was captivated by one of my online profiles.  Only problem with him is that he does not know that I keep lists of folks who I have communicated with and who have treated me badly.

He was one of those.

Guess I am not going to pursue that one.

I've found out that a number of the men with whom I have dealings with at my office are gay.

It's just amazing how folks are coming out....right and left.

Sam Champion, the GMA Weatherman recently married his boyfriend.  Jim Nabors just announced that he married his longtime boyfriend recently.

Yes, times are changing.

Perhaps a good guy  will cross my path too.

The Unattainable

What do you do if you find someone that you believe is the perfect match for you....and that you are confident that you are the perfect match for him? AND..from the outset...it all seems so unattainable?

He lights up the room when I see him. He just doesn't know it.

He makes my heart skip a beat. He just doesn't know it.

He means the world to me -- even the universe. He just doesn't know it.

After we have been together, my entire day is brighter. He just doesn't know it.

I have sort of an interesting way of measuring my feelings for people. In the realm of love and relationships, I look at how I'm feeling about someone....and weigh it against I Corinthians 13.

No, I'm not getting all preachy.

But as a man of faith, I weigh things like this to make sure it's not just falling in lust with someone.

Aw...this is so much deeper than that.

Not interested in jumping his bones just for the sake of doing that.

The situation is not perfect. Some storms have the waters all churned up.

But I want to be there for him and only him. I want to be his rock. I want to be his lighthouse. Whenever...

Thinking long term potential here. Not fly by night.

Thinking how much fun it would be to just wrap my arms around him forever and do what I can to brighten his life or let him know just how special he is. Or how contented I could be just curled up somewhere with my head on his chest.

He doesn't have to do one thing to maintain these feelings in me. He doesn't have to do anything special. He doesn't have to earn a boatload of cash. He can be the biggest failure in the world.

All he has to do is to live and draw his breaths.

Aw....he just doesn't know it...

Frank Goes On Another Date

OMG....I was invited on a date last night at a nearby restaurant.

He and I had been corresponding for quite a while and finally, last night, our schedules meshed.

"Would you be free to meet me at 'such and such' for drinks around 6:00pm?"

I said okay....and off I went.

To meet the mystery man who had been married. He has adult kids. He has an elderly mother. He has two dogs and a beach house on the shore.

This man said he was one year younger than me. He said he worked out. He said all kinds of things.

But when we finally met, I immediately got bad vibes. It wasn't a good fit. There were no good feelings. He came across as whiny. He looked older than he said. He was shorter than he said. His clothes made him look like a totally elderly guy.

So I ordered a full meal. I'm diabetic and I'm hungry and I don't drink. He ordered wine. He finished his wine....and he had to leave and cook his supper. He cooks all his meals....EVERY NIGHT he said. Tonight's meal was fresh salmon. So he was going to do that.

I smiled. Told him to call me. Thanked him for meeting me.

I wanted so badly to say, "Be Gone!" But I was nice. I continued my dinner.

Not going to hold my breath for his returned call.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I'm a member of a number of online discussion groups. All of them concern being gay and male....and yes...gay and married. Over the years I have made a host friends who are married and dealing with the issue. Some are out to their wives. Some are not. They make these decisions based on their own reasons. I am in no position to criticize or advise them of the best way they should handle their journey.

It's just all so very interesting.

It's diverse.

Even though they have a lot in common with me...in terms of being gay. The approach they choose is as vast as the stars in the heavens.

Today a couple of discussions caught my eye.

One in particular advised the men to never trust a single gay man. "Only consort with married gay men." The thinking surrounding this pronouncement is that you only deal with those men who have as much to lose as you do.

HOGWASH I say.

There is nothing magical for one married man to only deal with other married men. Married guys can be broken vessels just like anyone else. They can be psychos. They can out you just as well as anyone else.

They can black mail.

I decided to comment on this post and say all of the above.

My one question to the group was "What's wrong with getting to know someone first before dropping trou? I find that dropping trou is so much better when there is a knowledge and comfort and yes, some emotion behind it...and if you are doing it out of a relationship....whether it be casual friendship...or something deeper."

Well, my comments have not generate much discussion. So, I wait and see.

The second conversation topic that caught my eye today was whether men kiss.

It has always fascinated me that there are some men who refuse to kiss. It's too intimate they say. This is after, of course, they have licked your spleen and your more southern regions.

Why is that?

To me, kissing is a deal breaker. If a guy won't kiss you during the act...why bother. I want to feel that connection...and frankly, kissing is like completing a circuit within me. It gets me going in ways that I can't explain.

There is a right way and a wrong way to kiss old Frank here.

During my experiementation phase after Lovey ditched me, I explored all male sex parties. I always played safe and to be honest, I really enjoyed watching more than participating.

One day in particular, I was lying on a vacant bed enjoying all the activity surrounding me. Men of all shapes and sizes were paired off and enjoying each other. I noticed that there was a lot of mechanical sex happening. This is the kind of stuff that happens when two men are in lust with each other and it is primarily about getting to orgasm. Once its over, they wipe off...go shower....get dressed and leave. Basically without a word.

Still others click in a magical way. I've seen some great relationships/love stories begin at these gatherings. It's amazing. As far as these guys are concerned, they are the only two in attendance. They only have eyes for each other and that's the only people they are there for.

Then there are those who are just willing to pile on....or drop to their knees....or physically connect with someone just to stick themselves into a warm and inviting orifice--just to get off.

This one particular day, I was a mere observer. All of a sudden, one of the latter -- a very tiny asian guy decided to actually hop on me to take me for a spin. No inquiry...not attempt to see if I were interested. In his mind I would be the perfect person to get him off.

He also assumed wrongly that I would be turned on if he were to begin kissing me in a way that Lassie might introduce herself -- with a wet tongue licking my face...my cheeks......my ears......my chest......my underarms.

EWWWWWWWW.

I politely told him that I was "resting" and needed a break. He finally took the hint and attacked some other poor soul.

I was totally grossed out.

At the same party, another man gingerly approached me. He was a few years my junior...and he asked if he could sit on the loveseat with me. He was a cute man....and so my type. I was totally captivated and immesnely touched that he reached over and stroke my hand. Very sweetly....and gently. He then began to gently rub my shoulders....touch my face..... Then he leaned in and kissed me. Warmly....gently.....closed mouth..... He certainly knew what he was doing. As our passions began to rise.....he held me close......the kissing became more intense......and as this happened.....mouths opened in unison....and tongues joined.

It was so intense. So warm. So passionate.

For those few moments, I felt as if I were the only man in the world....and for that few moments I was the center of this man's universe.

As the session continued....we progressed to other stuff that men can do for each other (no need to describe all the gory details)....but suffice it to say that he and I both reached total climaxes in relatively short order.

Instead of him wiping off....jumping up....and leaving....he continued to hold me....to kiss me tenderly....and I eagerly returned the favor. I could have been there entangled with him for hours...but alas he had to leave....and he was married with kids.

Bummer.

But that taught me something. There is something wonderful about taking one's time....and allowing feelings to grow. Allowing passions to rise.

I can't help but long for someone such as this for a partner....or as a bf.....or as a potential mate.

If I could find someone of this calibre, you would see one happy FRANK.

FRANK would be intensely happy. That man, whoever he is, would be on cloud 9.

I am not saying that sex is the only thing I am basing things on. But I'm saying that having those needs fulfilled by one man....who is comfortable with himself....who can let go and not be afraid to express passion and deep affection for another man is well on his way to become my dream guy.

WOW!