Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Baby Steps Forward...

So, the romantic trip to the beach with Chris has now changed to the trip to hell. I haven't been able to find a person who is able to join me. So it's either don't go....or suck it up and go and make the most of a spacious two bedroom, two bath, oceanfront condo ALONE!

I'm also a little retice3nt about going alone in view of the health scares I've had in the past month. Slipping into two diabetic comas back-to-back was totally scary. The only thing that saved me was the fact that my children saw them both happen and they immediately called 911.

According to my doctors it was because my sugars were too controlled. My A1C was a 5.0. Which isn't even considered diabetic.

But its dangerous for someone like me for sugars to be kept that low. You run the danger of having what happened to me.

So since then, I've been watching my sugars....I'm off two key diabetic meds including the insulin. My numbers are better and I'm watching my sugar levels constantly. So I think I'll be fine at the beach.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

And So It Goes...

So here I am...nearly two weeks after Chris' departure. I think I'm moving through this experience as well as can be expected...but I still face some unexpected speed bumps that hurt.

Upon his departure, I established a new account on SCRUFF...and I posted an ad on Craigs List. He had been in my life for four months...and I had not been on any of those sites the whole time. But in his way, Chris gave me a lecture about how I must not have loved him as much as I said I did because I did this. Ouch. That hurt. He didn't get it. On top of this, he never deleted his SCRUFF profile the whole time.

I've been on several dates with wonderful men...but I've played it low key. Nothing to write home about. No relationships begun. No glimmers of romances to come. Just time fillers. Experiences to be had.

And then there is the beach next week.... which I dread.

Originally I scheduled this as a time for just Chris and me to be together. I paid for it. It's nonrefundable. It felt like a cold slap in the face when he said that he had made other plans. So I guess I'm not friend material either? The condo I had rented is a two bedroom two bath one...and he could have had his own room. But I suppose I'm chopped liver. Not worth being near....not worth spending time with in any capacity.

So, today I am trying to navigate this new normal...allowing the hurts to heal. To mourn the profound loss and wonder what happened....and to mourn what could have been.

And so it goes...

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Back to the Drawing Board

So, here I sit trying to come to terms with the fact that Chris ended things. April 8 he did it...then moved out on May 10.

I'm a bit in shock. I just don't understand...especially with the strong feelings he had expressed to me and had shared with you in his post here.

So, I won't pretend that I know the reasons. I don't. I know what some of the things he said..but they don't really make sense. My birthday was a fiasco. My kids and he did not get along...but to them, he was a complete and total stranger, who moved in too fast...and tried to be their pal. He got upset because of this...and I told him that he and I were in relationship...not with them. They would come around...and they would have.

I suspect there were other factors...including the fact that on April 17 and 18, I went into two diabetic comas that left me near death. My sugars dropped unexpectedly and I wound up in the hospital for a week. My BP went through the roof...and they had a hard time keeping my sugars up.

So that was scary.

Perhaps in his sight, I'm nothing more than damaged goods.

I dunno.

I tried so hard...

I'm still in shock. I'm doing much better health wise....but he is gone. Sad to say, I was in pretty bad condition since last summer when Stan got married to his SCRUFF trick. I thought it was my emotions that were wreaking havoc with me...but it was my diabetes. My fog has lifted and I feel much, much better.

But emotionally I feel empty...I'm somewhat distraught. When he left, I immediately put up a profile on SCRUFF...and posted an ad on Craigslist. Primarily out of hurt. I just needed to have a mindless release with some male figure that would make my hurt go away.

Chris saw them and now accuses me of not really loving him as much as I said I did...

My point is why should he care? I did not do any of these things until he walked away. I ditched my profiles on SCRUFF, GROWLR, GRINDR, JACKD', MISTER, MATCH, and SILVERDADDIES, when he and I started our relationship. He never gave up SCRUFF but remained on it the whole time. He said he was looking for friends for us.

He just doesn't get the profound hurt that I'm undergoing. The stark sadness. The feeling of failure. The feeling of being damaged goods. My counselor says that the situation says more about him...than me. But there is very little solace in that if in fact that is all true.

I feel like a failure. All my relationships have failed after all and I'm the one constant.

He also continued to have long telephone calls with his ex BF from out of state. I dare say that person knew more about me and our situation than I did. He also remained in close contact with his ex-wife...who didn't particularly care for me. She kept likening me to his first male lover...who was not a popular item in the family. (I'm nothing like that one.) I feel that he allowed all of them to plant doubts of some kind about us.

So, I'm back at square one.

My one solace is that I've had two wonderful men to say to me privately how much they love me and wish they could be there for me...but their life situations won't allow that to happen in a substantial way.

I do understand that...but I appreciate their sincere concern and for them to bare their souls to me. It has taken away my feelings of inadequacy...and my shortcomings...

Still it pains me to think of Chris...