Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Finally Back to Virginia

Well, mother and dad were well enough for me to travel home this week. I got home on Saturday afternoon. I have so much to do here this week, but due to all the medical appointments and such both parents have next week, I have to go back this coming Sunday. This time, however, I am going to take the AMTRAK train. It's only $50 each way...and it will give me time to catch up on ME and to get myself syched for giving care to both parents.

Although it is good being home, I am finding that I am unable to sleep. It's like I can't let things go and just rest. It also has not helped that each morning, I have awakened to the sound of a jangling telephone that turned out to be those god-foresaken telephone solicitors. DANG!

I went to church on Sunday morning. It was so good to connect with my friends and to feel their loving concern. They told me how much I was missed...and it made me feel good.

Speaking of friends, I had a male friend come to see me on Saturday evening....another one on Sunday evening, and tonight a host of church friends are having me over for pizza and cards. I am so blessed.

So, dear readers, keep me in your prayers.

This whole thing with my parents has only exacerbated my feelings of aloneness.

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Friday, January 15, 2010

Time For Some Good News (For now)

Mom came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon about 1pm. She immediately sat down to her computer and began playing with FACEBOOK and also typing emails with both hands pretty fast. By watching, you would never know the woman had suffered a stroke just a couple of weeks ago! She continues to improve. Hopefully the coming week will be nothing but improvements.

Dad continues to be a bit rattled. Dealing with him is frustrating for me because he is so very child like. I have been here for two weeks, and I am a bit frightened at the prospect of leaving them alone. But they assure me that they can take care of themselves this week.

I am going to be leaving tomorrow...to work this week. However, next week I need to return so that I can shuttle them to their host of medical appointments and dad's chemotherapy. I find that all this is quite stressful....and worrisome.

The home care nurses are going to be dropping by several times this week...plus the physical therapists will also be checking in on her. All my nearby relatives are also going to be popping in and calling them. They will all be keeping in touch with me.

The other thing I am worried about is the fact that mom has two new spots on one of her lungs. A scan must be scheduled so that we know what is going on. However, we're awaiting word from the insurance company to bless this approach.

I am working diligently to remain "happy."

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010


A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a man who said that he was looking for an old-fashioned monogamous relationship. We seemed to really hit it off very well. I thought that maybe things would develop between us...and truly had potential. We traded telephone numbers and email addresses. He is a music minister at his church.

When I did not hear from him by now while I am in WV, I sent him an email asking him what was happening. Finally this response:

"Sorry -- I've been busy and had a funeral today. You're a wonderful, fascinating, intelligent, multifaceted, attractive man. I'm not sure what you're really looking for. I got the impression you need more than one man. I'm not casting judgment by any means because I certainly do my share of free playing. I'm hoping for an old fashioned monogamous type of relationship and I don't know how that could work. Of course there are never any simple cut and dry solutions to any worthwhile goal. I also felt like if I had sex with you now, it would be like an audtion. LOL!

I was hoping for something built on attraction of mind and spirit if it were to become long term. I know -- I'm complicated, please don't think of me as an asshole. If you want, call me and we'll talk. All good wishes."

So, I wrote him back:

"Not sure where the impression of me needing multiple men came from. Especially when we discussed monoagmy and all. Sex for me is not an audition by any means. So even though I feel misunderstood since I am looking for the same thing, it is okay.

So life goes on...



THWAAAAACK...it sort of feels like I've been hit up the side of the head by a 2X4.

I keep replaying our nice dinner and extended conversation to see what it was that I did wrong. Or what on earth I said or did that made him think that I needed more than one man! Still can't figure it out...

So roadblock 4,251! My one glimmer of a relationship just evaporated!

There has got to be a guy for me....somewhere.

Oh well, mom had her scan this morning. As of this writing, we have not heard about the results yet or given any indication as to when she can come home.

Today is my dad's 77th birthday and he is exhausted.

We all are!

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

It Just Keeps On...

I have had an interesting few months. I've done some public speaking at church where I was overcome with a lot of emotion on Christmas Eve. I talked about my life as a gay man in a straight marriage and how thankful I am that I have come such a long distance.

I've made friends with a gay male couple who live about 50 miles northeast of Washington. They come to my church and I have really grown quite fond of them. They talked to me and encouraged me on one of my "bad" days where I felt so alone. Both of them were so affirming to me. They echoed what a lot of people who know me have done. That I will make quite a catch for someone....and that I should not feel broken. They say that I have a lot going for me.

So, I keep hoping that somewhere along the way, I will meet the one who will be "him." I'm not desperate. I refuse to come across that way. But I have to tell you, there are a number of guys in my sphere of influence that I could be happy with. None of them have an inkling.

And I just keep feeling like a big chicken...because I am not brave enough to lay my cards on the table -- even the ones who are single, available, in my age range, and attractive.

My feeling continues to be why do I have to be the one to always initiate things?

I keep hoping...

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A Brand New Year ~ Blah!

Greetings to all of you. This is perhaps the longest I have gone without writing something. For this I apologize. But much has happened, so let me take a few moments to update all of you.

First, the day before Thanksgiving, my dad received word that he has lung cancer. So this started a battery of treatments and he has been doing very well in his chemo treatments. I was in WV with my parents for Thanksgiving and with my daughters. It was probably the bluest Thanksgiving I have had because of the uncertainty of dad's diagnosis. Nevertheless, we seemed to survive.

As Christmas approached, I decided to have a very lowkey Christmas...and not do anything -- just stay home....count my blessings and plan to go back to WV after the beginning the year to help with dad's treatments. Coupled with all this, the weather was dangerous around Christmas with icestorms forecasted for the Shenandoah Valley and I-81 corridor on Christmas Day.

Well, to add more drama to my life, I received a telephone call from my daughter who had chosen to spend Christmas with my parents. She said that my mother was acting "funny"...and when I head more, I thought she was either having a manifestation of cancer in the brain or having a stroke. My daughter was able to get mom to the hospital in time. The diagnosis was a massive stroke. Thankfully, she got the help she needed and was home within three days with minimal longterm damage.

I went to WV last week to spend time with my parents and to help them get to their medical appointments, but last Thursday, mom was sent back to the hospital because of a high white blood cell count and the fact that she had an unknown mass in her lower abdomen. They were very afraid of cancer. (They said she has two new spots on her lung...but we will deal with this after her current hospitalization.)

So, as of this writing, mom is still in the hospital. I'm still in WV...and my daughter that lives with me is here also. It has been very frightening for me, an only child.

And my life continues....

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