Wednesday, August 19, 2015


So, the past year has been a struggle for me physically. Age is definitely beginning to catch up with me. My diabetes has always been a concern, but unbeknownst to me, it facilitates the growth of cataracts!

Who knew?

And the worst part is that cataracts take time to develop generally at a snail's pace. BUT diabetes vastly accelerates their development. It has been totally scary to be blinded by them and not be able to see like I used to. Finally, earlier this month, I had one eye done and I am able to SEE! I'm amazed at how colorful the world is. It's kind of like viewing the world in high def.

The doctor told me that my other eye is on the verge of losing sight because of the cataract. He said that I was seeing through a pin hole and it was amazing that I could see as well as I did. He expected it to be shut off two months ago. Well, now that I have my one eye back to normal....the event happened such that I can't see through that eye.

Its very disconcerting. But I'm working to remain positive in spite of things. The surgical coordinator at the doctor's office will make arrangement for the surgery next week when she returns from vacation.

So stay tuned! Keep the positive energy flowing in my direction!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Are You Paying Attention?

Sometimes I fear that well meaning readers of this blog don't get it.

As I said in the last post, I'm not trying to come across as perfect...or to impart wisdom that somehow lifts me up into the heavenliness of perfection. I don't write these entries to entertain..or to gloss over my shortcomings...or to necessarily make me look good.

This blog is merely my journal that is offering you to read over my shoulder to see the journey I've been on during the past 9 years or so. At times I'm happy. At times I'm thankful. At times I ponder...other times I'm wistful. Still at other times I'm depressed.

This is a chronicle of my journey. It helps me on my journey of personal growth to be able to review and remember rest stops along the way.

So, if I whine, and you can't cope with it...or it stops making this blog uninteresting to you...then by all means, move on.

I'm not perfect.

Never claimed I was.


Today began my second week at a new job. I've been asked to take over a different section within my office that has me challenged by totally new issues and supervising a truly new and amazing staff of professionals. Yes, there is a degree of stress, but its a different kind than what I'm typically used to.

However, today was unique because I got swept up in a new drama from my former unit that is requiring time and energy. Who said that government work isn't exciting.

My new job is temporary. I expect to be in it about 10 months give or take. So, once I sort out some of the residual issues at the old job, I can focus on the new job fully.

Life is good.


I just discovered the ON DEMAND feature of my cable provider. I also found the series I AM CAIT on the E! network which is chronicling the stuff that Caitlyn Jenner is facing as she continues on her journey. I'm totally fascinated and hooked on this series.

My church has a robust ministry to the Trans community and I have decided to become a staunch ally and friend. I went to their monthly meeting on Friday and I was amazed at all I learned. It's a difficult topic to get my mind around...but I am working to do so because I have so many transgendered friends.

It upsets me to hear people of faith make fun of them. To demonize them. To say they are worthy of death and hell, when all they are are normal people who just want to be treated like everyone else. Before it became cache to be gay...and gay marriage....etc.....that's all the gay community wanted.

But with all those advances, I suppose there are still rabid pockets of homophobia, just like there are for TRANSphobia.

I saw online today that ISIS threw two men off a building in the middle east for being gay. As if that was not enough, the group of people who watched them plummet to the ground stoned them upon touchdown. It was painful to watch and know that people can be so hateful.

Just because you're different.

So, as I sit here counting my blessings at being able to live authentically as a gay man.....I want to do my part to help my trans brothers and sisters in their fight for acceptance.


Long ago when I started this blog, I established a cardinal rule. That rule was that I would publish my truth and never use this as a platform to make me look good. It would be my unvarnished truth...and so here it is.

I've become a bitter old queen.

What made me this way today you may wonder? Well, I'm going through a period of time where I am just tired of being gay. In fact, I'm tired of all things gay. Rainbow. Sparkles. Pride.

Not sure where all this came from...but it is there. I'm tired of meeting nice guys...eligible guys...who are looking for every other kind of man but me. I'm too young. I'm too old. My hair is too silver. My hair isn't silver enough. I have a slight belly. My belly is not big enough. I'm not a twink. I'm not a bear. I have no muscles. I have no washboard abs. I'm not the correct sexual position in life. I'm too smooth. I'm not smooth enough. I'm chubby. I'm tall, but not quite tall enough.

Get the idea?

I'm just me.

I wonder if there is someone out there who "gets me."

Is there?

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Arriving at Sad Conclusions

This has been quite a busy week for me. At the beginning of it, I learned from my boss that I am being reassigned into a new job effective on Monday. My boss says that because I'm a good manager, I need to take over a different unit to help undo damage done by a bi-polar mess that left us two weeks ago for a new job herself. The BP has done significant damage to the unit, and it is going to take some time. I anticipate having to work there for at least 6 months. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!

This past Tuesday, I underwent cataract surgery in my right eye. It was scary for me in that I did not know what to expect. As a result of the stress, my sugar levels went crazy. But I'm happy to report that all went well. I can see beautifully out of my right eye. I can officially begin to drive again on Monday. The doctor is working to schedule my left eye to remove he cataract from there too. So look out!

While being away from work this week, I've been binge walking that old TV series, QUEER AS FOLK. I watched all five seasons of it. I had to chuckle because, at the time, I was very taken with it...couldn't relate to much of it...and was overly amazed by the portrayal of gay male relationships. This was because that during its run, I couldn't relate to the relationship aspect. I had no friends. I remember thinking how this group of male friends cold be so close without having some mass orgy every Friday night! LOL. You see, up until that time, I thought being gay was all about getting laid. I didn't think much about the feelings and commitments that people make. I guess I was in the heart of gay adolescence.

In this viewing of the series, I found myself longing to be Emmitt -- not swishy and queeny, but to have a man in my life like he was able to snag with the pro football player. Although the football player identified as not gay...but liked "having fun" with other guys...he deeply cared for Emmitt...and ultimately came out...and acknowledged his feelings...and his genuine care for Emmitt.

Gosh, why couldn't I find a man like him. Oh, not a pro football player....but just a really good man that is willing to connect emotionally and deeply on levels beyond the physical connection that takes place in bed.

As the series progressed, I guess in some respects I'm more like Ted. The geeky older accountant who always seems to find the wrong men. Then, when he meets someone he really thinks may be the one, something happens from left field that derails the relationship. Gosh, I don't want to be him! I don't ever want to come off as desperate. After all, I'm not really. I just hear the clock ticking as I become older and older. With each passing day, it seems my options shrink more and more and the likelihood of meeting the one grow remoter.

So, I've decided to back away from the hunt for a boyfriend. I've wasted so much time and energy with nothing to show for it. It hurts. But, I have a full life and refuse to lower my standards or hook up with someone out of desperation.

Sad, but true.