Monday, July 25, 2011

Nothing pretty....

This evening has been a mess...for me.

I have had both parents on my mind....and all I seem to be able to do is fight back the tears. I am a mess....a blubbering mess.

This is all new territory for me. I thought going through the separation and divorce were bad....but it is nothing compared to this dull ache that I feel in the center of my chest because of the tremendous loss of those two people who gave me life. I feel so very alone...and there is not one thing that can be done about it to lessen this pain. In the words of one of my counsellors....there is no way to get around it, but to charge right on through the middle of it head on...and go from there.

So, as I sit and process my feelings....I'm not feeling too victorious...or particularly spiritual... about what I'm feeling. I wish that I could sit here and say..."Ah...I have given it all to the Lord!" Or that "Jesus has made me feel better!"

I can't say any of that.

I wish I could be a spiritual giant. I wish I could laugh and smile again. I wish I could feel that song in my heart...and joy in each footstep.

But....I .... can't.

I want my mom and dad back. I want to be able to scoop them up in my arms and tell them how much I love them....and how much they mean to me...

But I can't.

And it bad.

When I started this blog five years ago....I said that it would be unvarnished....not airbrushed....not done in any way to make me look good. Not edited to take out the bad parts. But you'd have the real me.

And here I am -- warts and tears and sobs and all...

Nothing pretty for sure.

I need some sleep....


It's Monday once again. I can't believe just how quickly summer is passing -- and I must say this is not the kind of summer I had thought I would have.

The death of both my parents in such a short period of time -- and the impending death of my beloved cocker spaniel -- have taken a tremendous toll on me. Some days when I awaken, I feel as though I am in a fog. The tremendous feelings of sadness....and aloneness......and of overwhelming loss all weigh in and to be honest I feel like the walls of my life are moving in on me -- ready to squeeze what life I have left -- out of me.

Then there are those feelings of feeling truly like an orphan. Truth be told...I am one...albeit and adult one.

All this has put my life on hold as I navigate the sea of grief....

Last week I had one ray of sunshine. It came in the form of another gay man. He contacted me on one of those silly dating sites....and...he and I shared some really good emails. He sent pictures....I sent pictures.

You know the drill.

By the end of the week, he was texting me....and saying how much he was thinking about me.....and how much he enjoyed our telephone conversations and email exchanges.

So, at his insistance, we scheduled a meeting -- last Friday.

Suffice it to say that it turned out to be one of those typical gay meetings that results in all the ground you think you gained last week is now lost this week.

Once again it hurt.

Once again I felt used.

Once again I felt silly for even thinking anything positive would come out of one of those dating sites.

So, here I sit on this beautiful summer day. Tempted to feel sorry for myself in every facet of my life. Date number 4,297 fell through. He has now gone off to his next conquest probably. I'm an orphan. I'm grieving the loss of the two people who have known me the best and the longest.

It sucks.

It's bad.

I've made this comment before about my love life. I look around and see some gay couples who are happily partnered. I look at them and wonder to myself: "Wow. I wonder how they found each other? I would never have put the two of them together!"

Then a portion of me turns resentful....and I think, "What's wrong with me then? If they can do it, why not me?"

The answer never comes.

I grow wistful.


Feeling like this is how my life is going to be....until the day I die.

It's just gonna be me and only me.


Friday, July 01, 2011

Things Are Tough

Each day brings me one day closer to the big event: Dad's memorial service.

I am having a hard time dealing with all this. The odd thing about it is that I was a whole lot closer to my mother growing up and during my adulthood....but these last 8 months have certainly drawn Dad and me very close...almost inseparable. With all that said, I found dealing with mother's death in some ways a lot easier than this one.

I don't know how to explain this. Perhaps it's the fact that I was with Dad 24/7 for 8 full months. I saw his good days...and his bad days....I was fiercely protective of him. I wanted him to know how much he was loved....and that he was safe. I believe I succeeded in that. At times I wonder if Mom knew how much I cared for her too.

She knew everything there was to know about me...including the gay thing. But...we had both agreed to not tell Dad about it. He had suffered so many "mini-strokes" and stayed in such a rattled probably would have caused him some unneeded angst.

Although it felt as though my world had ended in October when Mom passed.....I immediately switched from her immediate caregiver for Dad.

I think I didn't have appropriate time to grieve.

So, now I'm playing catchup.

The silliest things do it.

Driving down the road......and seeing a place that Dad and I visited in DC not long ago. Hearing music he loved. Looking at the video footage I am putting in the multimedia memorail for his service. Remembering the old days and how I wish that my mom and dad were still around.

Being an only child sucks.

Being an only gay child sucks even more....

Being a single and an only gay child sucks the most....

And not in a good way.

Why do I have to walk this season of my life alone? Oh I have three wonderful grown children that I am very close too. I have tons of friends. But why am I alone in this world without a companion.....without a special man.

I honestly think this is how it is going to be.....