Saturday, September 29, 2012

It Appears To Have Finally Happened!

A man has entered into Frank's life. Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have tons of male friends.  I have had a million crushes.  I have played the dating game on many occasions -- only to have had my heart broken in the end. This is WAY different. After I took care of my parents' house and all its renovations, then got it rented.  After going through probate.  After having a very painful liquidation sale of their belongins.

After all this....and all the other stuff I have been through for many, many years, I decided to do something solely for me for a change.

I decided to cast the net far and wide to see if I could finally land someone "special."

By special, I mean someone to actually love.  Someone that I would know is thinking about me.  Another man on the planet who wants and has an emotional connection with me, "Mr. Out of the Ashes."

So I placed several ads in cyber space that explained my situation and what I was looking for.  I got lots of weird responses.  One man wanted my dirty underwear shipped to him.  Another wanted to date me but because I am very busy, he accused me of searching for something (yeah, I was), and that he hoped I find it. (Clearly it wasn't him...he didn't get it.)  He hung up on me.

Other men that I found were of a similar vein.  Or they expressed interest and never did anything about it.  Or others talked the what they wanted...never to be heard from again.  

So this past Wednesday morning I get a brief message from a guy on one of those sillly phone apps.  It said, "Hi.  Similar journey, live in Rehoboth, but work in Monday - Wednesday.  Top bottom ... it's really about passion and connecting for me at this time in my life.  Enjoy the great Setpember weather."

This began what is promising to be a wonderful relationship.  We are proceeding slowly...but we are both exceedingly taken with each other.

We've met in person.  We spent two hours talking about everything.  He is well known in certain circles.  He is quite artistic and in great demand.  But he is unassuming.  He was married to a female minister for a number of years.  She was older than him.  (Sound familiar?)  No kids or grandkids.  

We've been using technology to our advantage.  We speak several times per day via phone.  In the evening we spend time chatting via the MAC "FaceTime" application.  We are going on a dinner date on Monday evening.

There has been quite a change in me.  Folks have noticed.  He and I are almost identical in ages.  

It's good.

My heart flutters.

I believe this is the guy I have been looking for.

Keep your fingers crossed all.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Life Continues...

 Goodness!  It has been forever since I posted last.

I apologize for neglecting you all summer long.  But it has been very busy between trying to finish up my parents' estate, nursing my sick dog, and then having some work done on my house.  Additionally I have been able to get my childhood home rented.  So this has alleviated quite a bit of stress off my mind.

A few weeks ago, my dog finallly succumbed to the cancer that had been ravaging his little body.  It is not quite the same without him here.  But I have determined that I will not have another animal.  They take a lot of work and with my wacky schedule, it is not fair to have it spend the majority of its day alone in my house without human contact.

What else has been happening with me?

Well, I am trying to figure out me in general.  While in caregiving mode for so long, I neglected me.  I lost me in the process.  So now it is my time.

I have opened myself up to dating lots of new people.

This experience has uncovered a seamy underside of gay life that I find really troubling.  I think that gay people as a whole have had to hide for so long....and they have been marginalized or deemed as pariahs for such a long time, many are scarred.  They cart around more baggage than the average person.

I made friends with a couple of gay men on my summer vacation.  One is still married to a woman and he lives in terror of his wife finding out.  Man #2 told me about the physical and psychological abuse that he suffered from his partner 20 years ago....and how his family mistreated him too.  He finally turned to alcohol, drugs and a fast life that led him to crashing and burning.  It left him shattered and he was utterly afraid of people.

Both marveled that I was able to just start a conversation with anyone.  The server at the restaurant....the lifeguard......people in the pool.....  These are things that I have had to work on as I negotiated the trip from married "straight" man to gay single man.

They don't know the work that I had to do in order to feel totally at ease with myself and how I had to break down the barriers in my own mind in order to reach out and just make friends.

Still there they were.  And here I was.  I gave them unconditional acceptance....let them talk....and they seemed like very dry sponges.

Another man, a fireman, told me about the childhood sexual abuse he went through as a teenager.  The Ph D who told me about the rape he suffered 15 years ago that left him with PTSD....and alcoholism.

I am totally amazed that for all the negativity I had to experience, nothing ever rose to the level of trauma these men experienced.

But I am shocked at the viciousness of gay people.  If I had thin skin I probably would have taken my marbles and gone home ages ago.  For example:

There's the guy that answered one of my dating ads.  He looked fine....seemed nice....we scheduled a date....and the more he talked...the more I lost the "magic."  He was unemployed.  He had three children that he is estranged from.  One of them is homeless....and he hasn't done anything to try and help him.   After our date....he wrote to say he didn't feel the magic with me...which is fine.  But when I thanked him for telling me that....and that I hadn't either...he got mad and hateful.

Yet another man, who kept sending me all kinds of notes....and his phone mad when he thought I didn't call him like he should.  (My world does not revolve around the dating sites.)  Finally when I was able to schedule some time for him...he accused me of being at a difference place than he and that I should not call.  I simply responded.  OK.

Then there was the man who sent me the nasty gram that told me that my ad was DELUSIONAL.  He said I had NO RIGHT to be on the site.  BLAH>>>BLAH.

Finally, on another one of those sites (I cast my net broadly) I happened to comment on how well done a particular ad was written.  He responded that "I AM NOT INTERESTED AND I AM NOT LOOKING!!!"  (Well then why is he on a dating site?)  I said in response, "I am just giving you a compliment not asking you to marry me.")  His response?  "GOOD!  NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

So, old Frank is still here....still believing that there is love....and monogamy in the gay male dating world.

Perhaps I am delusional.