Thursday, March 16, 2017

Ready for Change

This weekend is the official start of my new life with Chris. As I have prepared myself emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically, I find that I'm having to purge myself of many of the ghosts from my past. It's funny, but it seems when things start turning around the ghosts begin to arise from their barren graves to try and torment me and to rob me of the joy I have mustered due to my good fortune.

In this case, I have so yearned and longed for a man to be with and to live life with...and a few months ago, I felt like literally folding up my rainbow flag and putting it away because I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I always found those men who were not really what I wanted...or felt I deserved...and I wound up getting hurt -- badly, in the process.

Then Chris appears in my life. And as he and I have become further acquainted...and his job prospects brought him literally into my backyard....and to the point of him moving in....and the profound feelings we have for each other...well...unless you're gay....and have someone that loves you unconditionally -- warts and all -- you'll never understand. Given my gay orientation, I've often wondered if the way I'm feeling with Chris...and those strong and intensely personal feelings that I have for him, are what garden variety straight men feel for their girlfriends or wives.

I've just never felt this way about anyone. Not Stan....not Zach.....not Patrick....not Lee......

And certainly not Lovey.

But yet here are these feelings for Chris....that seem to wash over my in tidal waves of joy and anticipation.

It is so very hard for me to describe these feelings to anyone. Especially if you're not from a gay orientation.

So, Chris arrives at my house on Sunday afternoon. I'm taking off Monday to be with him and help him to get settled. He begins his new job on Tuesday.

We're both ready.....ready for this big CHANGE!

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Random Thoughts

So my ADD has kicked in big time. My thoughts have been all over the place today.

An interesting development has happened with Lovey. For the past little while, I've gotten the distinct impression that she would like to get back together with me...after all this time. It amazes me that given what she had written in 2014 in her journal that I ran across as I prepared for my new bedroom furniture, that basically she thought I was scum. In fact, as I spend time with her now, I get the impression that she thinks she is several notches above me. But that's okay. I refuse to get sucked back into the drama of contests...especially with her.

So, a few weeks ago, my eldest child, a daughter, asked if she could tell her mother about Chris' arrival. I didn't see why this needed to occur, but I gave my permission since it seemed important for her to talk about it with her mother.

As far as I know, that conversation took place.

But...I've not received any fall out from her....heck, I've not gotten any kind of communication from her. Considering she was very, very communicative up until now, I find it odd that she is not being like she was.

She's almost standoffish.

I'm not complaining, but I'm pleasantly amused by it all.

It will definitely be interesting for her to meet Chris -- he's looking forward to that. But I'm not pushing for that in any way. In fact, going forward, if she should invite all of us to visit her home over a weekend or for a family gathering, I will be pushing for Chris and I to stay in a hotel.

He is from the area where Lovey pastors. He's very familiar with it. He still has relatives and his former wives that live there. In fact, he even knows one particular lady minister that Lovey alienated many years ago. In fact, long before he and I met, this lady minister told him about Lovey and how awful she was.


So its amazing to me that he and I have found each other. We are tremendously excited about the future and all the adventures to be had. Given our spiritual backgrounds, we are looking forward to putting God first in our relationship and seeing where our journey takes us!

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Artists Of Then, Now & Forever - Forever Country

This video is quite special to me.  It takes an old song about WV "Take Me Home Country Roads" and comingles it with "On The Road Again" and "I Will Always Love You"  Then it throws in tons of artists all in celebration of the CMA's Awards 50th Anniversary last fall!  Then, you have a special moment in music.  ENJOY!

Monday, March 06, 2017

Sometimes I Just Forget...

It's time to return to earth from Cloud 9.

When you have spent a hunk of the last several years wading through the jungle of the wilderness experience as I have, when the sunlight finally breaks through the dark gray clouds of loneliness and sadness, you become euphoric and for a time forget what life can really be like.

Such was what happened to me today.

One of my co-workers called in today to say that he wasn't feeling well and that he would not be in today. It hit me kind of oddly. It wasn't like him...but to be honest, I got so busy that I forgot about him until just before lunchtime. As I was headed out to our Café here in the building, I picked up my cellphone and I had a text message.

From Mr. Coworker.

He told me that he chose to take a mental health day because his boyfriend of over one year broke up with him on Friday. He was totally devastated. He just couldn't muster the umph to come to work...and he didn't want to tell our boss or our coworker what had happened to him.

I was honored that he told me. (We're out to each other.)

So I called him back to say that I was firmly in his corner and that he shouldn't hesitate if he needed anything. I told him that it sucked...but sometimes these things happened for a reason that will be revealed sometime in the future.

So time will tell.

Gosh I hurt for him.

I've been there a multitude of times. Having Chris in my life is such a blessing...but this tale has made me realize just how fragile relationships can be. Even the one I had with Lovey was fragile. I didn't understand how fragile that one was until I read her 7 page journal.

I just want to take care of what I have with Chris...without being paranoid and afraid. I suppose the key is to have open and free communication.

The one real thing to remember is to never take your special man or woman for granted. It can change.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Upcoming Decisions

As I have journeyed this road of being gay: coming to terms with it....losing my alone and experiencing hurt from a multitude of failed relationships and one night stands, I've never really felt forced to "come out" in a broad way. Since Lovey spent the last few months of our relationship outing me to everyone and anyone who would listen and providing them her spin of what a victim she was...I have assumed that everyone has known...and I've just thought it was no big deal. But in a few short weeks, I begin the next chapter with a loving man who will be living with me.

I have never been domiciled with another man. I've never felt like it would ever happen. Or that I would be fortunate to meet anyone who would want a permanent relationship with me...until now.

So this opens up a door of discovery. Do I make a grand pronouncement on Facebook? Do I come roaring out of the closet and scream it from the housetops?

Actually, that isn't my style. After all, how many straight people make grand pronouncements about themselves?

So I guess what my heart is telling me is that I'm just going to be honest about Chris without making a big deal about it. I'll begin showcasing him on Facebook. When we go on trips together....I'll take pictures of us....and let it speak for itself.

The onus is then placed on other people. If they have a burning desire to know about the nature of our relationship, then they can ask -- simply and we will be happy to tell them.

To be totally honest, I'm not interested in making any pronouncements to my extended family in WV. I feel very alienated with them. They offended me about the whole gay marriage flap with Kim Davis in their area. They gleefully hurled theirBibles at me. Another one of them defriended me because of the trans and gay people that I hang out with. She questioned my love of God and my feelings of being called into ministry. It was very hurtful.

So, in order to take good care of me....I have limited their toxic influences.

Besides I don't want Chris exposed to all that. He doesn't deserve any of that drama.

So I will proceed...low key. This is my style.