Thursday, March 10, 2011

"YOU SHALL NOT LIE WITH A MAN AS WITH A WOMAN" -- A New Interpretation of Leviticus

"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman"........ a new interpretation.

When a woman asks questions about her appearance..... like the classic "Does this make my ass look fat?" ...... it is okay to lie to her. In fact, it is polite, civilized, expected, the all-around right thing to do.

However, it is not okay to lie with a man this way. NO excuses. You have to tell him the truth. He's a man; he can take it.

That's it. That's all. Nothing to do with homosexuality.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Gay Bitchiness 101

It seems that gay guys can be more bitchy than women who are in the midst of their period!

I mean no harm in this ladies...but you know?

Let me explain.

A few years ago I played with a much older guy who was going through a divorce. He lived in a very exclusive area....lived alone in this humongous house....BIG pool. We had fun. We met through mutual friends...and he told me his story....and I told him my story. Nothing to write home about. The playtime was good. No problems. We had dinner together...hung out....and did normal stuff.


Then my mother and dad's illness took center stage and I soon did not have the time to devote to my "hobbies"...and the guy. He kept trying to get me to join him at these wild sex parties he knew of....told me that I would be perfect in their basement....

But that was a bit too racy for me. I declined.

We lost contact.

That is, until TODAY.

We belong to this internet chat group....and we were talking about age disparity. He interjects how he knows I'm scary....I'm way too intense...and that we only had sex one time...and it was okay....blah....blah and that I was looking for a commitment and how he didn't know me......

I was stunned.

So, even though he flamed me in front of the 12,000+ members of the group....I wrote him privately:

"You are confusing me with someone else. We have been together more than once. Not one time did we discuss commitment and boy, am I far from intense. Further, if I was all that "scary" it did not stop you from attempting more involvment.

I refuse to go deeper into this. But the reaso it ended, I though was due to the illnesses and subsequent death of my mother.

Sorry if you find that scary!

As for "I just don't go for the heavy relationship centered discussions too early in a relationship -- too needy and too loaded with ideas of commitment when I don't even know him and am only concerned about sex at the moment counting on later to work on the relationship if there is a mutual interes."

We never went there in our discussions. I fear this comment says more about you than I care to know. Our fun together was just that. I was not ready for a relationship.

So sorry that you forgot.

Kissing and telling is bad form, especially in a venue such as this."

ICK! Things like this make me kind of glad I am single....and alone....and able to just hang out with friends.

This kind of thing makes me feel even more estranged from the whole gay male dating scene....even though there are times when I crave companionship deeply.

My Neighbor

Cheri is an interesting woman that lives across my street. She has been known to hang out considerably with the neighborhood gossip that lives next to her. She has taken it upon herself to mow her neighbor's lawns....replace brickwork...remove plants and replace them with what she likes best.

She also worked in my agency until she retired a few years ago...rather abruptly.

In my case...she ruined my lawn contract by removing boxwoods that were awaiting removal by my lawn company, who were awaiting new plants to install. She liked hastas better...and installed them.

I was livid.

But that was last summer.

Several weeks ago I guess it all became too much for her.

She committed suicide by swallowing a handful of pills.

Her cat sitter found her in the kitchen.

Only a few notes were left....about where the financial paperwork was....where the car title was.....where the deed was...... Her closet was empty...except for one dress and one pair of shoes. Post-it notes with red arrows pointed in the direction of where important things were.

She instructed:

* no funeral
* no obituary
* she was to be cremated
* her ashes were to be placed in the plainest of containers
* her ashes were to be scattered over some body of water.
* her furnishings and contents of her home were to be sold by a professional estate liquidator

Her one son was devestated. No reasons why.

That was that.

I am haunted by this. I look at her darkened home....and see her car where she left it. It's a bit creepy.

I wonder if I could have been a better neighbor instead of having my little attitude about what she did to my lawn contract!

I saw her on the morning of the day she died.

I was up early....because of having to let my dog out in the pre-dawn hours of the morning.

Every light was on in Cheri's house. I saw her moving by her windows in her bedroom.

"Odd," I thought. "She must be getting ready for a trip."

If I had only known...

An Emotion-Filled Weekend

This new life of mine seems to be taking its toll.

I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.

Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:

* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.

* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!

* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.

* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.

* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.

* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns usual....that has evaporated.

* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.

* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.

* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.

So, here I my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.

I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.

So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.

Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.

Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.

Right now, that's what matters to me most.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Thoughts on a Late Winter Day

Dawn is just breaking over the metro area. A late winter wind is pushing debris around my backyard and making a tattle-tale moaning sound through the screens of my french doors that lead to my deck.

Dad is sleeping.

I am awaiting the arrival of his caregiver. Then I can go off to work.

Why do I feel like such a failure?

I really do feel like one.

Let's review the track record shall we:

I am not the Ward Cleever that I had wanted to be. I am 52 years alone. I made a poor selection of wives....I tried taking care of everyone else, but me.....and here I am. Taking care of my elderly dad...afraid he's going to run out of money.....afraid that I'm going to screw up his finances......worried that I'm going to be like him one day....afraid of the second hand smoke I spent my first 20 years breathing.....afraid of being alone for the rest of my life......afraid of dying alone.

I am working to get my finances in order. I'm still paying for the legal bills....and mess from that icky divorce. I only wish I had been more diligent of the what-ifs when I was a whole lot younger.

But, I'm just a mess this morning.

This cold, windy, late winter morning.