Thursday, August 28, 2008

UPDATE on Mother

Mom is now home. The doctors are VERY pleased at how well she is doing with her new hip. It's healing nicely, and she is in excellent spirits. All this goes such a very long way to recovery.

I spoke at length to mother's internist on Tuesday. He says that the cancer in her hip originated in her lung. So given the fact that it has gone from the lung to the bone seems to indicate that cancer cells are throughout her body and manifestations can crop up anywhere in her body. She's having a bone scan next Tuesday and is scheduled for a PT scan shortly thereafter to identify "hot" spots where the cancer is presenting. Based on what is found, she will undergo chemo and radiation therapy.

The doctor says that death is NOT iminent. The cancer can't be cured, but it can be managed well. Ultimately it will have a negative impact on her...but for now, we have her.....she is in good spirits....and we shall all savor every moment we have with her.

A number of my friends have told me that folks have lasted 10 or more years....and the goal is to get her into remission.

So we shall see.

This week is not nearly as frightening as last week. I'm headed to be with her tomorrow night....and will meet Laura there. I will return sometime on Tuesday evening!

On another note, my daughter Laura from Hashville gave a full concert at a local university. It was a great experience and she was quite pleased. If I can figure it all out, I will embed some video of her for you to enjoy of one of "her" songs that she got to perform in public for the first time!

It was so cool to be able to see my "little girl" at doing what she loves to do.

I'm blessed!

Monday, August 25, 2008

No News

The surgeon dropped by and gave mom a good report on her hip replacement. He says that it is healing very nicely. They offered her the opportunity to either get physical therapy at home or at an outpatient facility. She selected home....but was told that would work until she began her radiation therapy.

Supposedly tomorrow we will hear something to give us an idea of the treatment plan....and the prognosis. I just pray that it's not dismal and that all is not lost.

This has raised so many demons in my mind. I feel like the little kid again that's afraid of being left as an orphan. My goodness I am 50 years old.

I am planning to drive to home this Friday evening....and will spend the entire weekend including Monday and Tuesday with my folks. There we can strategize a bit.

I'm working to be strong....but this is so hard.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

It's Bad -- REAL Bad!

I found out on Friday that the doctor's have told my mother that she has bone cancer, lung cancer and also cancer in the lymph nodes.

When I heard all this, I was numb.

I don't know if this is from the colon cancer escapade from two years ago or not. All I know is that my beautiful mother is in the hospital, facing all this.....and there is absolutely nothing that I can do.

I'm the kind of guy that feels like I have to fix all the world's problems. It's the nurturing instiinct within me at work I suppose. I've always wanted to take away everyone's boo-boos and make them all better.

But this one I can't begin to touch.

Tomorrow the doctors are going to fill us in on treatment options, information as to the rate of infection, and what the prognosis is. Then we will have a better idea of what we are up against.

God, I hate this.

Now, I don't mean this to sound "Woe Is Me," but there is something I have to say for the record.

Since I was a little boy of about 6, I have always been afraid that my parents were going to die and leave me alone -- TOTALLY. As I grew older, this feeling faded.....and when I was married to Lovey, I thought she would be with me through times when I faced my parents' mortality.

In 2004 I spent a lot of time helping her go through her dad's illness and his subsequent long goodbye. I held her at night.....I let her cry on my chest....I served as her sounding board about when she needed to vent.... It was a very long seven months. In the back of my mind, that old familiar fear of being alone when my parents got sick came into my mind.

It has hung there ever since.

AND, here I am.


I have no one to sit and talk serve as my sounding board or to help me plan for the future.

I have no one to wrap their arms around me and let me sob in their chest.

I have no one to hold me at night.

It is's lonely......and it's all so very strange.

What am I going to do?

Friday, August 22, 2008

A Wind of Uneasiness

I've been keeping in close contact with my mother and yesterday she dropped a new bombshell on me: they've found a spot on one of her lungs...and also enlarged lymph nodes.... They did biopsies of all those and we're now awaiting the results.

I feel guilty that I'm not there.

But I've been involved in some very critical meetings here at the office. On top of that, I have my daughter Laura coming to town on Monday because she is giving her first major concert at a local university on Wednesday evening. Mother wants me to videotape that.

So, I feel quite stuck! VERY stuck!

Plus I'm scared.

And, as an only child...I feel quite alone in dealing with this.

It's all very scary.

Gosh, it's one drama on to the next isn't it?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Life Goes On

Mother had her hip totally replaced yesterday afternoon. She was awake for the entire procedure. She says that the sounds will be with her forever.

"It sounded like they were building a house!" she said.

They are now working to get her ambulatory.

All looks well.

So far, no more about the C word. The doctors are pretty confident that it is not involved.

Thank God!

When I talked with Mother this morning, she sounded so chipper and happy...and alert. I haven't heard her this way in quite a while.

I'm so blessed.

These are the most important things....

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A VERY Emotional Day

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions.

At 6:30 a.m. I received a call from my mother. She was scheduled to visit the physical therapist because of some problems she had been having with her left leg.

She called me early to say that she couldn't walk and that they were calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital for treatment. When the technicians arrived at my parents' home, they took mom's blood pressure and found it to be 200/180! They got her to the emergency room and over the course of the day, they found that she had broken her hip.

There's been no sign of trauma. She hasn't fallen. Nothing like that. The radiologist said that something like this only happens if there is an underlying problem like bone cancer.

I was devestated but carried on...numb. They did a thorough evaluation of the CT Scan and determined that there is no sign of cancer, but they're going to do further tests to find out what caused the break. She is going to require surgery so they can install pins to help get the hip repaired. All this will happen in the next few days.

So as you can imagine, it wasn't a good day yesterday.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

It's Probably The Answer

I spent the entire day trying to get some stuff done. The majority of all this was running errands and talking to one of my dear friends on the phone who has been going through a rather bad time. We also discussed my love life....or better described the lack thereof.... I told him that I hadn't heard from Mr. Office since Wednesday.

"Why don't you call him?" my friend asked.

"Well, I don't want to be too forward....because if I were to bring up my feelings or go into it, I know that I would screw things up...including the residual friendship that I hope to have with him, if things don't work out the way I have hoped they would."

"Honey, you aren't gonna lose a thing by just calling. You're letting him know that you're still here....and that you've cared enough to call. CALL HIM!"

So, I reluctantly agreed.

I hung up....and called Mr. Office.

He answered...and sounded glad to hear from me. But it was all rather perfunctory. Nothing to get all worked up about. Nothing to confirm that he does like me in "that" way. We ended the call by his saying, "I'll see you at the office next week."

"Yeah, I'll be there I said," all cheerily.

But inside I felt awful.

Saturday Morning

It's very early, at least for me on a Saturday morning. I have an appointment with the podiatrist to figure out what those lumps are on the bottom of my feet. They are very tender and make my feet sore when I first wake up in the morning. Oh, the joys of being a middle aged diabetic.

Still no word from Mr. Office. So, I'm just letting that go.

Last night I went to an open air concert to hear one of the military choruses that circulate here within the metro area throughout the year. Right in the middle they had to close the concert because of rain. It sort of fit my mood last night. Today I am some better...but I've got a long way to go.

My daughter Laura, from Nashville, arrives one week from Monday because she has been asked to perform a concert at one of the universities here. It's an exciting opportunity, plus they will be paying her rather well to do do it.

Well, it's time to get started on my day. Who knows what adventures lurk?

Friday, August 15, 2008

Feeling A Bit "Blue"

Well, I have had a busy day here at the office, but sadly now as the weekend begins, I'm finding myself in a "blue" place.

Not sure why this is or why it should be.

But here I am.

I miss my kids.....I miss my parents. I miss my old life.

It's a bummer.

On the personal word from Mr. Office in two days now. It's pretty evident from that that if he were really all interested in me, he would have at least sent me an email....or a call....or something.


Potential mates are definitely not lining up at my door!

So, I guess this is the reason for my profound sadness.

On a Friday night in late summer.....

Nothing to do.

No one to see.

Friday Is Here!

It's the end of yet another week! Thank goodness.

Tomorrow I'm headed to visit the podiatrist for a diabetic foot evaluation. I've had some lumps on the sole of my feet for a little while and those suckers are quite painful. Hopefully tomorrow we will find out what they are and how we can make them go away.

Things were relatively quiet last night. I spent several hours on the telephone talking to some new gay friends I've made. It's interesting to hear all their stories. Different, yet all the same.

The last I saw of Mr. Office was on Wednesday. I've been purposely keeping a very low profile to just see what he does.

Will he contact me?

Will he even miss not communicating with me?

I just don't know.

I told all the gorey details to one of my friends last night... All they said was that they were glad they weren't in my situation. They wouldn't know what to do either.

I'm so tired of the mixed signals.

But...I'm just going to continue as I am doing.

Being kind, friendly, gentle....and most of all.....being available -- just to the point of seeing if he makes any move in my direction.

My guess is that it ain't gonna happen.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Some Things to Ponder


I’ve spent quite a bit of time with Mr. Office this week…some planned and some unplanned visits. At all times, and as usual, the mixed signals are flying everywhere! But I’m still being me….and noncommittal and I'm watching him and seeing how he reacts to various situations.

I’ve not done anything stupid.

I’ve not made any grand declarations or pronouncements.

Aw, he is someone so perfect for me…...I think...but I’m just in no mood to pursue him. It is my firm belief that if he were really all that interested in me, he would be making some overtures. I've made a deal with myself that I really want a guy who will pursue me for once.

But he hasn’t. He could be old fashioned...and is just taking things slow. Or...he could be just plain old not interested.

Oh, he has made some interesting omments along the way….and when we’re together he always make sure that he is in very close proximity to me. I heard him tell someone on Monday that “Frank is a real sweetheart.” He's called me "honey"....and he loves to hug. I could stay forever wrapped up in one of those.

And he has made some very noncommittal expressions of affection.

But, before you run away with that concept, please note they are all nothing to get worked up over. I’ve given the same tokens of affection to my dog: a pat here…..a stroke there………or a kiss on the snout.

On the flip side though he’s also made remarks that have concerned me just a little. So, if he were to make the first move, I’d have to ask him about them and have him declare what his true motives are.

I would want a relationship to start because of genuine feelings. Not from feelings of desperation or deception.


Saturday, August 09, 2008

More Mixed Signals from Mr. Office...

Spent the morning with Mr. Office.

Gosh it was good just getting away with him. We talked about everything under the sun...and he said that he enjoyed my company.

When we reached our hiking spot, he and I wound up in a very secluded and isolated path. We took our time and I kept thinking how neat it would be to give him a meaningful kiss right there in the woods. But I didn't.

At one point, he invaded my personal space......and came in super close as if he were going to kiss me. I found that my lips were actually quivering.....but he didn't. He kept talking....about various things.

He kept saying various double entendres....and we'd chuckle.

We finally made it back to the car.....and I drove him back to my place to pick up his car.

He came inside briefly....and when he was ready to leave, he smiled.....looked deeply into my eyes.......and gave me a big hug. Then he held on.

I couldn't stand it any longer and I kissed the side of his cheek and I told him that he was "special."

With that he was gone.

I don't know what to think of all this.

Friday, August 08, 2008


This evening has been a bust. Everyone I have turned to do something with has been unavailable. So, I wound up taking myself to dinner....and then I went to see the new Emma Thompson flick, "Brideshead Revisited".

While sitting at dinner, I looked around the eatery and noted how people were coupled. I was the only person ALONE and that served to make me feel melancholy. And I simply do not like feeling that way.

After dinner, but before the movie started, I walked through the shopping area that I was in. So many people walking around and enjoying the pleasant late summer evening. Mostly couples were walking around....hand-in-hand.

I probably would have been better off to have come straight home and just gone to bed.

It's terrible being so lonely.

Tomorrow is my day trip. It's a very early I need to sleep. Perhaps I'll get a clue of some type from Mr. Office that will tell me one way or the other if there is something happening between us.

I really think there isn't, but then, what do I know?

And Now, Let's Discuss Something Else

Enough already about my BIG crushes, and the longing to love someone.

It's time to focus on something else.

I have a very busy Saturday planned. So, tomorrow morning it is "up early"....and a quick day trip with Mr. Office. I've got to get him moving super early so that I can return for an afternoon party that I have been invited to. He's going to be busy as well. So this works out pretty good. We're planning a hiking trip...and so it should be a good day to just Perhaps I'll get a signal on how he is thinking.

Laura, (#2), has booked a concert locally for the end of August. So, I'm going to get the opportunity to see her perform, alone, live for a change. She'll get to be home here for 3-4 days. Oh....I can't wait.

Love has gotten wind of all this, and of course she's begun trying to monopolize all of Laura's time while she is here. The latest email I received from her, I promptly passed along to Laura, so that she could help me decide how to respond. She's planning to have tons of relatives there.....a virtual family reunion. Laura doesn't want that. So, I'm just keeping a low profile in this drama.


Off to my office I go! It's FRIDAY!

Thursday, August 07, 2008


Well, I saw the man at the office whose name is the same as my boss' yesterday! I haven't seen him all summer.

He saw me approaching from way down at the other end of the hallway.....and his smile nearly blinded me. He waved from a long way off and as he got close, he stopped to say hello. Gosh it is always so good to see him. If he only knew what his smile.....his friendliness......does for me!

Right now, in my little life, I have four SUPER SIZED crushes on four different men. If you add the man with the same name as my boss, I suppose the number grows to five!

Now, don't get the wrong idea. I don't look at these men as conquests to become notches on the proverbial bedpost. I just have undying love for each of them......and if any one of them were to say......"Hey, Frank! You wanna spend some time with me? You wanna go on a date?" I would melt dead away.

I guess, for me, the most difficult part now of being a gay, older, divorced man, is that the market for such beings is very small. After all the gay world is not that the pool of potential boyfriends is small to start out with. Coupled with the fact that the majority of the "pool" is interested in young, buff, pornstar quality men, this greatly limits the pool further.

So, here Frank sits with his thoughts of quiet longing and those SUPER SIZED CRUSHES.

Mr. Office is still around and generates many mixed signals. I suspect there isn't any real interest there.....other than he is a good guy with a good heart.....who enjoys people. He and I are planning a day trip this we'll see how it all goes.

Mr. Man on a mission, is a great source of eye candy. He meets all the qualifications contained on the secret list of qualifications for a mate that I carry in my wallet. He's single.....and he's a friend of mine.....and he has his life all mapped out. He's a lot younger than me and is totally entitled and deserves someone closer to his age.....and ***sigh*** he does have what it takes to have any man he wants. He has the pornstar looks.....young and buff. **SIGH**

Another of my crushes is someone who I have known now for about two years....I've loved him from afar....but he is so occupied....and in all actuality he and I are very different creatures. There are some similarities.....such as our mutual anal retentiveness......that would drive each of us crazy if we were to connect. But, you know, I suspect that if things were different....and he were truly available and made the first move, I'd be williing to give it a try.

Finally, the last of my crushes is a woman. He knows that I am gay and he identifies as being gay as well. He is eight years older than me..... Need I say more? We've talked and he likes being with me.....but he isn't going to leave his wife and children.

So, I can't help but I am.....available. My crushes all know that I'm here.... Besides Mr. Office, there have been no real "mixed signals" or heck any real signals to indicate any mutual interest. They are all friendly.....loving......and affectionate with me. But we're friends.

I say nothing for fear of making the friendships weird.

Besides, why do I always have to be the first to say something or initiate.

Trying Times

A gay couple that I have become quite close two broke up this past Sunday. The partner who initiated the breakup had apparently been planning to do this for quite sometime. So, in essence, there is an element of deception at work because he has already made plans to move in with a "crush" -- someone that he has known for quite sometime.

The surviving partner was devestated by the news...and is now working to cope with his loss.

WOW, it brings back memories of the stuff I had to endure with Lovey. At least with her there was no third party working in the background, at least from what I can see or know about, that she wound up moving in with! (However, I suspect there was someone who was giving her advice and counsel....and I even know who that person is...)

It's been amazing to me to see this breakup.....and to share with the surviving partner little pearls of wisdom that I learned during my very sad time. What strikes me the most starkly is the fact that, yes, through that painful period....AND GOD KNOWS THAT ALL OF YOU WALKED A PORTION OF THAT JOURNEY WITH ME.......I did learn quite a bit.

So, it only makes sense to pass it along, as needed to other traveling a similar path.

He voiced feelings of aloneness....of profound sadness......of not being able to trust someone else ever........ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

The human mind and heart are so resilient in times of hurt or devestation. One can bounce back so quickly. You just have to embrace the hurt.....not be destroyed by through it......don't give up......and sooner or later you find that your life begins to come back.

At least this is what I have found.

Live comes back in a very sweet and positive way!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Today Is a BIG Day!

Today is a big deal.

My mom and dad got married 54 years ago today!

That is more than double the amount of time I was married to Lovey.

I can’t even begin to comprehend what that must be like. To be hooked up with one person for that period of time.

It is simply amazing!

Happy Anniversary folks! I love you dearly!

I was busy all weekend long. I was off yesterday too. So, I wasn’t able to devote any time to writing anything here.

The weekend was busy because I spent it with many different friends at differing times….but enjoying the weather….the company….laughing…..talking and eating.

I was also able to get rid of ton of stuff out of my house for the church yard sale. They made close to $2,000. I think this is great.

On Saturday I spent the time touring the Civil War battlefields and also went to Monticello near Charlottesville. Then had dinner there, got home very late…. Arose early the next morning, and taught my Sunday School Class….had lunch with friends from church, went home for a two hour nap. Then my friends called again, for a nice late afternoon visit to Georgetown in DC….and then I went to dinner again.

Yesterday I spent the day trying to get recovered from everything I did over the weekend and do some much needed laundry!

In the midst of all that, yet another friend invited me to go with him to a Neil Diamond concert at the Verizon Center in DC tonight. So we are going to have dinner first…and then head over there!

Amazing huh?

I’m still feeling pretty good by getting to spend so much time with people I care for.

I think this is what life is meant to be all about.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Another Early Morning...

It's four something in the morning....and here I sit wide awake.. For whatever reason, I couldn't sleep very well last night, although I am exhausted from a grueling day yesterday. It just seems at times that I am on a treadmill and that just never stops.

And, on top of everything else, last night I had a case of sadness.

Yeah, I know.

It's really kind of silly.

But, I suppose overall I'm doing much, much better. These bouts of sadness happen less and less. But when an occasional one happens, it's just not fun.

I don't know what triggered it other than the fact that I miss having someone here in the house with me. I do have the dog....and I do have tons and tons of friends now. But what I really am beginning to need is to have someone special in my life that I can look forward to spending quality time with.

I won't go into all THAT again. We've been down this road before -- many times.

But last night, that was my unfulfilled need.

And I didn't sleep.

I was restless.

Every sound made me stir.

So here I am.