Sunday, June 10, 2012

Dating Again

It has been a while since I concentrated on "dating." I've just sort of taken things as they come....and if a man expresses interest on some level, then I will go out and share a meal...and get a sense of the type of man he is. Most of the time, I just go home...and am a bit disappointed at the result. So, I've taken things into my own hands and gotten out more. I've put myself out where the gay guys are. I've even posted my profile on some of those dating sites with very mixed results. In other words, I am not smitten....and ready to jump into bed or run to the altar with anyone. It used to be that I was fixated on getting my rocks off. That's not a very good confession is it? But, it was a distinct part of my sexual development. I spent much time pursuing the physical. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasurable. I got to know some super sweet men in the process...some of whom are very dear friends. But, alas, they are not what I am looking for. That slow burn....and those "feelings"...just have not occurred. So, are my standards too high? I recently posted the following ad on one of those sites: SWM, relationship-builder, 54, six feet two inches, two twenty five pounds, looking for a friendship that can potentially catch fire and turn into something special. Not into the "scene". No fast hookups. Into classic cars, old and new movies, photography, junk stores, antiques, flea markets, romance (I love being pursued), weekend getaways, Christian with a strong faith. Laid back, easygoing, low maintenance, drama-free. Tremendously affectionate! Love to touch. Hold hands. Kiss n cuddle. When it comes to sex....not into mechanical piston action. Looking for that intense and slow burn of something magical -- lovemaking. While sex is important....this is not my primary goal in placing this ad. Looking for a caucasian that is willing to explore a serious connection. Age range I am thinking of is thirties to sixties. If any of this resonates, drop me a note. Tell me about you. Send a face pic. naked pics. I am no does help to see who I'm chatting with. I have a few face pics I too can share in return. If you're one of those mindless game players, move on. I'm seriously looking and hope that you are too. So, one of those early posts came from a guy that included a picture of him with his pants down, face a bit concealed. I knew from the moment he posted, this was not going to work out. He was my age. He likes to cook. He apologized for the picture but said it was the only picture he had of his face. (Really?) He was looking for friendship...and possibly more with the right guy. With some trepidation, I responded. I sent him a clear face shot.....with my gray hair blowing in the wind. The next day he responded with: "Thanks for the additional information. There will be no further communication with you." THWACK........ Felt like I had been hit up the side of the head with a 2 x 4. But I am old enough to know that one should not take any of this seriously. Clearly he was not as much into friendship as he tried to say he was. If you're really into friends, you aren't driven by inner lust or attraction. A friend is a friend. A mate is a mate. If you're lucky in life, you get one in the same. I have heard from married men.... I have heard from partnered men who aren't having sex with their partners because each one is consumed with with catholic guilt....and the other with pentecostal guilt. (God bless religion.) I have heard from men who say they want me to pee on them. I have heard from men who want me to fist them. I have heard from men who want to "do me" while dressed in wig....high heels.....and panties. Er ummm.....all from my little ad above. Whatever happened to the normal...sane....good guys? The ones who are wanting to meet a real build a relationship with. To forge a connection. To work on something long-term? I attended the DC Pride Festival today. I arrived feeling festive....but by the time I had circled the even two or three times...I was feeling kind of sad. There were some awfully attractive looking guys....walking around and holding hands with other attractive looking guys. There were even some attractive guys wandering around with some relatively unattractive guys....but they seemed awfully happy. Kind of made me I that awful to look at? Why can't I find someone? Do you think it will happen for old Frank here? I'm not totally discouraged. These things take time I know. But're gonna see one awfully gosh darn happy man here when it happens!

Monday, June 04, 2012

Musings from a Hotel Room in WV

Hey there.  As I write this I am in a hotel room in my hometown.  It sure feels bizarre to be in your hometown, but staying in a hotel.  

My parents' home has been totally and continues to be renovated.  It's looking great.  My new tenant moves in July 1st.  Who would have ever believed that I would become a landlord to someone!   But I will become that in July...which will mean that my house will cease being the money pit it has been.  Yay!

Once this is completed, I can begin to focus on me a bit more.  As you, who have followed this blog may remember, I have had quite a ride in the last few years.  It's kind of hard or at least counterintuitive to me to even think of myself or my needs.  I'm always used to taking care of everyone else.  Making sure they are comfortable.  

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have been in caregiver mode for my now former children....then my parents.  As with everything in life, things change...and here I am with a divorce under my belt -- and you all know how bad that was; my kids are all grown and building lives of their own; and, my parents are both now deceased.  

Many have counseled me to take care of myself.  To be kind to myself.  To be gentle with myself.  I am trying to heed their advice.   It's just kind of hard to figure out what this actually means.

So I move slowly.  I begin to look at various and sundry offers and I really want to do that?  or do I want to purchase that? or take the ultimate "What's in this for me?" approach.

It all seems so self-centered.  But I am.

I have also pondered the gay thing.  It seems like it may be percolating but on the back burner.  I have way more other things to worry about.  I mean, in the next few weeks I will become an official grandfather.  Can you believe that?  

But here I am!  I am truly sad that my parents have just missed their first great grand baby.   It is unreal.

Had an interesting time here while I have moved a few pieces of furniture from the house here into storage.  For so long, I felt as though I had no friends...or that I didn't make friends very easy.  I think in one of my very early posts here, I told you that one day I woke up and realized I had no friends...and that I had to actively pursue this.  (I perceived that all my friends had sided with Lovey.)

Here so many years later...the shyness I thought I had has vanished!  My Facebook page continues to gather friends....  As of this writing I have over 730 friends there!  No, I am not a Facebook whore....just to get my numbers up.  But these are all people that I know...and genuinely have in my life as friends.

It is very amazing to me.

When I meet people, I seem to click with them and they with me.  I am still somewhat shocked that they want to spend time with me.  or that they like me.....  Truly like me.  

On this trip, I have gotten to be really close with the contractor who is doing my renovations at the house. He is totally straight...but there is a bond between him and I that I can't really explain.  We've spent much time together.  He helped me by hauling the stuff to the storage locker.  I made mention of my family reunion that I was going to yesterday.  He said he wanted to go too!  He loves doing stuff like that...and since he likes me he wants to see my world.  So he made arrangements with his girlfriend to go hangout with Frank for the day.

On the way home, he kept telling me how much he enjoyed spending time with me.  

Who knew?  

I am at least 13 years older than him!

So the big mystery of life that I have learned is that the key to relationships is to be authentically you.  Don't try and be something you're not.  Just be yourself.  In my case it means to relax....allow my wacky sense of humor to shine through....let others see my sensitivity shine through.  I have also learned that if they see glimmers of the gay shining be it.

I have wasted so much time and energy trying to appear hide the gay pray the gay away.  During that time I truly must have appeared to be some sort of weirdo...  Probably very stiff and distant.  Gosh as I think about this now...I wouldn't have wanted to be around me then either.

So, it's almost 8 am.  I'm still in bed.  I have several things to do here in WV before I hit the road home to Alexandria.

I must be doing some better because I totally forgot the 5th anniversary of when my divorce became final, at the end of May.  In a few more days we will sail past the 7th anniversary of the separation.  Will probably miss that one too.

So I am alive and well.  I'm pretty happy as I navigate my "new normal" life.  

Can you believe this?  

It has been a long journey....and a long time since I have been able to say that I am happy....and content.

The time is approaching for me to turn the page and begin the next chapter of my life.

I hope you will continue to be a part of this!