Tuesday, May 17, 2011

In the Wee Hours

I went to bed quite early last night, only to have been awakened by my dad's snoring...and now I can't seem to get back to sleep. So very much on my mind these days. It just doesn't seem to take a whole lot to upset my sleeping patterns.

Work continues. There is so much to work with there. Then I have the photo shoot coming up at the end of the week. THEN...I am worried about my dad. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I have a cousin who is also suffering from lung cancer back home....and he is in intensive care. I think his time is coming...and he is in the same hospital as mom was in....and he's suffering from the same final symptoms that mom did.

Will things ever get back to normal for me....and will I ever face a time where everyone is NOT dying from cancer?

I am at a loss...

The night goes on...

Monday, May 16, 2011

Another Week

So here I am at the start of another week. I'm exhausted. The past few nights I have not slept all that well. Dad has been restless....he's coughed....he's wheezed.....he's gotten up and down through the night -- all of which have awakened me and interrupted whatever sleep cycle I was in.

This week is going to be kind of interesting. I have been commissioned to be the principle photographer for an gay christian conference here in DC. I will be busy Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and all day Saturday. Thankfully, next Monday I will be off to catch up.

It's gonna be quite busy...but I hope I will get some really good photographs. I have a straight photographer buddy assisting....so it will be interesting watching him react to things. I took him to Gay Pride last year and he had a ball....even though he was approached by the Radical Faeries to have his crotch blessed. See the articles attached with the label to this post.

Heard from a long lost "friend" last night through the Silverdaddies Web site. This friend and I had gotten fairly close last summer. The last I saw of him was in mid September, just before I headed home to take care of my folks and the loss of my mom.

He was actually someone I had had high hopes for. He was attractive...gentle....and a man of faith....all of which I find quite attractive....but then he literally dropped off the planet.

Here's the email that came to me last night out of the blue. What would you think if this had come to you?

Hi Frank,
I hope this finds you well and accepting of my apologies for just cutting you off recently... I really can't say why at the time I felt the way I did, but you have been in my thoughts lately and when I saw you online I wanted to say hello with the possibility of a friendship renewed...

I know you have a lot going on and have no reason to reply, but you deserved the apology just the same..

Take good care and may God bless...

Recently? Did he say recently? Is 8 months without any word considered recent? Frankly, I don't know what to think and responded with a simple, "What happened?"

No response.

People can be so strange.....especially gay men.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Thoughts on Mother's Day 2011

I am having a month of milestones -- a number of them firsts, and it has been harder than I ever thought it would. I had expected Mother's Day and my mom's birthday to provide one-two punches...but was surprised at just how hard my 53rd Birthday was on May 1.

You see, my mom and I had this little tradition that we have done every year since I have been an adult living away from home. Every year, without fail, she would call me up at the time I arrived all those years ago and as soon as I would answer the phone (at 6:52am), all bleary eyed.....there she was with her gleeful voice on the other end of the phone saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY'! Some years she would end that with her rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

And each year, the funny thing was that I would forget she was gonna do that...

Each year when the phone would ring on my day....at that ungodly hour....I'd mutter to myself...."Who on earth is calling me at this hour of the morning....don't they know that we're asleep?"

And then...on the end of that line...was that unmistakeable voice excitedly saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY....then that song. My frustration would just melt and we both would crack up....because she had "gotten me" yet another time!

Year after year....it would happen.

Until this year.

May 1st arrived....and no calls happened until later on in the morning....when I heard from my children....and assorted friends.

Oh, I got up and went to church. Took care of my dad..... Jessica took me to a late lunch.... Then another group of friends to us to dinner that night at Tyson's Corner.

But my mom, the person I have known the longest in my life was the one in my thoughts.

This was the first Mother's Day without her. In my quiet alone moments....there she was in my thoughts....and the tears have fallen.

Grief is hard. But Mother's Day was not as bad as my birthday...

Yesterday was her 77th Birthday!

I thought of her all day long.