Happy New Year 2008 from Frank!

December 30, 2007

This holiday season has been a very quiet one for me. I suppose it is only right that this be the case since the nest is now empty and my marriage is over.

This morning, early, I drove #2 to the Baltimore airport and the tears began to flow as she walked away to her terminal. Thankfully she didn't look back...I suspect that she was feeling the same way I was. Sad that the vacation was over....that Christmas was just a memory...and it was now time to go back to the real life of responsibility and work.

On our way to the airport, #2 told me that this was her best trip home. She said that although the first part of this trip had started stressfully because she had to travel to her mother's bedside in the hospital, she thanked me for making the trip so pleasant during the last part.

She also reflected on the expanded role that the dentist is playing in the life of her mother's family. It disturbs her. It disturbs her aunts. It disturbs me!

The man is as the O'Lovey's home nearly every evening and is included in every gathering. It's really EVERY family gathering.

For example, #2 invited her grandmother to go to a Mexican restaurant on Friday night. Grandma announced that the dentist would be going with her. On Friday afternoon, #2 also invited her cousin and Lovey's baby sister and her husband. When #2 got hold of grandma to establish the time of the dinner, Grandma said that it would be up to the dentist....that #2 should call him to arrange the time. #2 said she would not call the dentist...and that dinner would be a 7pm. However, by the time I had gotten home from the office on Friday, #2 announced that the dentist would not be joining us after all because he was having dinner with his own daughter before she left the area.

Well, we all got to the restaurant. It began as a fun evening...and everyone seemed to have a great time. Just as we were finishing our appetizer, the dentist appeared! Someone said, "Weren't you supposed to have dinner with your daughter tonight?" He responded that he would probably have heartburn because he ate so hurredly in order to get to be with all of us. So he plopped down right by Grandma!

They then proceeded to have their own party. It was as if the rest of us had totally vanished.

Since all of us had assumed he wasn't coming.....I had picked up grandma and her sister and delivered them to the restaurant. To me, it was a bit rude when the good dentist took it upon himself to put the aunt in his car at the end of the evening. Grandma then joined them. The three of them vanished into the night.

It creeped all of us out.

Another thing that I noticed was that the dentist tried to invite himself over to the cousin's house to see video he shot during the annual Christmas Gathering. She told him that it wasn't going to happen and as he tried to keep pushing the matter, the cousin's husband said that they only had a DVD player and not a VHS player. At this, the dentist dropped the matter.

#2 wanted to say goodbye to her grandma on Saturday evening, but the dentist was there when we got to the house and #2 told me to go back home. We then got home and a message had been left saying that the dentist wanted #2 down at Grandma's house to see the Christmas Video. #2 refused to go. When she called her grandma to say goodbye, the dentist answered the telephone!

Finally she was able to talk to her grandma and told her that she was going to stop by to see her personally, but when she saw the dentist's car, she didn't want to interrupt.

This is a very strange situation. But, it's not something I have to worry about because I'm no longer a part of that family. I will tell Lovey....if I get an opportunity.

It just goes to show you how the drama continues in Lovey's family...

Christmas Reflections

As I said earlier, Christmas at my house was quite peaceful and enjoyable. I spent some true quality time with one of my children. During that time, I learned some very important things, namely, the fact that the divorce is just now beginning to affect #2.

Oh, it’s nothing major at this point…. But still it affects her and thus, causes me grief to know that something that has happened in my life has affected her so much.

She confided in me that she is beginning to feel pressure. She doesn’t like it at all. The pressure she is referring to is that that her mom puts on her in the form of guilt. You see, while Lovey was in the hospital, she kept saying to #2 things like, “I’m always short changed in your visits. You always stay with your dad the most…”

I guess it makes #2 feel like she’s in a contest.

It makes her self-conscious and looking at her watch to make sure that she is being equal.

The same thing happened at Thanksgiving. After that holiday I sent her a long note and told her to stop being pulled into that rut immediately.

I reminded her of this. I told her that I had no preconceived notions when she came to visit me. I was always glad to see her, whenever she chose to come by…..and that if she wanted to spend the entire time with her mom, that would be okay – as long as I knew she was safe, warm and happy.

Lovey came to her mother’s on Christmas Day to spend a few days with her. We were invited to attend dinner down there. A delicious roast was prepared and we were able to enjoy a nice meal. The good dentist was present…YIKES. Once again, Lovey sat next to me. (She sat next to me during the Thanksgiving meal too.)

When Mom O’Lovey started talking about her favorite Christmas….and she dragged out her scrapbook commemorating her 70th birthday, seven years ago, I nearly lost it. There in all the pictures was a picture of me with Lovey in much happier times. There were pictures of the kids….of us with the kids…….. All of a sudden I felt my eyes beginning to sting.

So, I excused myself from the table and went to another room.

Seeing those old pictures made me cry……and made me realize just how much things have changed.

God, how I hate change!

But I got it all out of my system and returned to the gathering. I don’t think anyone noticed.

I just put on my happy face and continued my meal.

A Peaceful Holiday

Meet Daughter #2 and my cocker spaniel, Davy.

This has been quite a peaceful and quietly Christmas. I’ve gotten to spend a lot of quality time with my daughter. She returns to Nashville on Sunday morning, then my life returns to normal!

#2 and I have had much discussions about my life as a single man. She’s made some interesting comments about her mother. She was able to spend the first few days of her visit in the Shenandoah Valley with her mother, who was recovering from her stay in the hospital. As a matter of fact, it was #2 who drove her home from the hospital.

We’re still not sure what medical problems Lovey suffers from. All we know is that her liver enzymes are all elevated. She was supposed to go in for some follow up tests today. Thus far, I’ve not been made privy to their findings.

Over the holiday I did get to speak with all three of my children. The marine called from Iraq. It was so good hearing his voice. I have to tell you though, that I will be very, very happy and relieved when he returns from Iraq in April. Likewise, a year from May I’ll be happy when #1 returns from El Salvador. She gets to come home for a vacation in early June this year. Then she’ll be back in May of 2009 permanently!

More thoughts to share later.

More On Lovey

As the day has progressed, I've gathered a little bit more information about Lovey's condition.

I've had to be somewhat of a peacemaker today, because the twins are sort of having a little drama right now. #2 in Nashville has been almost flip with her sister in El Salvador when discussing their mom. #1 finds this terribly disrepectful and is a bit miffed with her sister.

However, #2's points aren't without merit.

Let me provide a bit of background.

Lovey has an extensive medical history. Sadly, we all believe her to be a hypochondriac. My ongoing struggle with being gay only added to my guilt for her various aches and pains. I felt deeply responsible. After all, if I were meeting all of her needs, she would not have to seek affirmation from a host of medical people.

During our separation, Lovey told me once that she was expecting to be "healed" once the divorce was final...because living with me caused all of her medical problems.

So, yours truly had a whole boat load of issues to deal with.

In her last full year of marriage and under my health plan, she had over 90 medical visits and procedures in a 12-month period. In the first five months of this year, before our divorce, she logged almost 50.

Lovey also likes to self diagnose. She loves to talk about all of her medical problems....the various procedures....and the hose of medicenes she is on. In case you were wondering, she's totally behind CYMBALTA.

So, it is from this background that daughter #1 is somewhat dubious of this mysterious malady that has Lovey hospitalized.

"She probably provided her doctor with one of her self-diagonoses, Dad. You know how she is."

Yes, sadly I do.

It's akin to the boy crying wolf one time too many. I don't like to cast judgment....or make light of what's happening to Lovey now, but I'm left to wonder several things:

1) She has been grousing to #2 about how she (Lovey) is always shortchanged in the amount of time she gets to spend with her children during the holidays. She even did this from her hospital bed last evening. #2 is headed there this weekend and wants to head back for a hot date. Lovey wasn't pleased.

2) I get the impression that all is not peachy keen deluxe in the churches Lovey is pastoring.

3) I find the timing of these various maladies interesting. Here it is Christmas, and Lovey is in the hospital.

Could she be looking for sympathy? Might she be feeling intensely lonely? Could she be feeling a bit of remorse as to the breakup of her family and be haunted by thoughts of Christmas celebrations of years passed?

Could be.

#1 asked if I was concerned. I responded by saying that I was concerned...but that I had to figure out the right track to follow. This, after all, is brand new territory. Were I still married to her, I'd be at her bedside with a boat load of care and compassion and unconditional love. This is how I handled her during the marriage.

But now, since I've heard of Lovey's health problems all second hand, I'm not going to be breaking down her door to find out all the particulars. If she wants me to know, she can call and then we can have a discussion. But, I can care and be concerned from a distance. If this is a ploy for sympathy and attention, I won't give her fodder of condition her to do this on a regular basis for more.

Am I mean?

I don't think so.

It's just that I know her so very well and I suspect she's dealing with some serious psychological issues this year, that perhaps she's not had the time to ponder.

At any rate, the doctors say that Lovey has got some elevated enzyme levels from her liver. They're keeping her another night for observation. Hopefully she will get to come home in time tomorrow for #2 to visit this weekend.

So, stay tuned.

As of this writing, I'm doing very well and continue to look forward to the holidays. I plan to have a quiet Christmas with my daughter and then I'm open for discussion.

I'm looking for many happy days ahead.

FLASH! LOVEY IS HOSPITALIZED!

I just returned from having dinner at Lovey's mother's house. She told me that Lovey is in the hospital and they have her under observation. She's also hooked up to a heart monitor. I don't know what the issues are...but it sounds like she has really been sick.

More info as I learn more!

"My Mom is Santa!"

Okay, here goes. This is my first video posting. Hope it works as easily as they say it does. This little clip is making the rounds in cyberspace this year. So enjoy!

A Holiday Greeting To You!

Dear Friends:

Warm holiday greetings from the my little homestead near Washington, D.C.! I trust that this finds you and yours well and happy.

This has been quite a year for me. I certainly know now what the empty nest feels like!

Daughter #1 left home on February 5 to begin her new career as a Peace Corps volunteer in El Salvador. She was thrilled to be there and entertained me with details of her first assignment: building a latrine! Since that time she has rented a house of her own, had some key pieces of furniture built for her, acquired a kitten named Tigre, visited with her new “neighbors”: the resident scorpions, tarantulas, and snakes; and, become accustomed to cold showers, and doing her laundry in the closest mountain streams. She’s made a host of friends, and is happy.

Daughter #2 continues to make Nashville, Tennessee her home. I helped her to move into her own apartment in a gated apartment complex in the Brentwood section of Nashville. She’s found a job as a receptionist to pay the bills, but still works quite hard on her music career. She’s completed writing five songs and is in the process of recording them as the basis of the demo she’s producing. Once completed, she’ll be distributing these far and wide to anyone who’ll give her a listen. Hopefully, a heavy hitter or two in Nashville will give her the opportunity she seeks and she’ll be on her way! She continues to broaden her contacts. I’m sure it’s now all just a matter of time …

My son attained the rank of corporal in the Marine Corps this year. In September he was deployed to Al Asad, Iraq and is still working as a logistics specialist. While there, he has made the decision to signup for four more years in the Marines. As of this moment, the paperwork has all been completed. His next four year period begins in June 2008. In the spare time he has in Iraq, he has enrolled in college and is working to get his degree in logistics. I am thrilled that he continues to do so well.

In the midst of all this, my divorce was finalized on May 29, 2007 after 25 years, 5 months and 17 days of marriage. When the end finally came, it sort of reminded me of the feelings one has when a terminally ill family member finally passes on. While it’s expected, the end brings a certain amount of sadness, shock, hurt, but also a degree of relief that it’s over. While I wish I could tell you that I handled it all beautifully and was basically a spiritual giant, I honestly can’t say this. It was hard….it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest…..and I have spent much time in the wee hours only communicating with God in small whimpers and many tears. Thankfully, my cocker spaniel was there to offer comfort with a wagging tail, a sloppy wet kiss or two and a very cold nose.

Still I carry on.

I pray that your holiday celebrations are filled with much happiness and joy. May you be blessed in the coming year! I know that I’m looking for many better years ahead.

You’re loved!

Dan Fogelberg

Did you hear the news?

Singer Dan Fogelberg died last Sunday Morning in Maine.

For me, his music defines a long ago era in my life. A much simpler time.....a time when I was younger....and when there wasn't so much wear and tear in my life.

His song, "Longer," is forever associated with my honeymoon. It's the song that was playing the morning after my wedding. It played as Lovey and I were running around our hotel room in Williamsburg, Virginia getting ready to explore the Tidewater Region that Sunday Morning -- 26 years ago.

Here I am 26 years later....the marriage is dead....and the singer too is dead.

Kind of fitting, don't you think?

I'm seriously thinking of driving down to Williamsburg in the next few weeks. I want to go to that same hotel....and to enjoy the sites and sounds of Williamsburg in the winter.

I want overlay new memories of the place over those old, sentimental ones.

I think I'll take some of Mr. Fogelberg's recordings along on the trip to associate his words and music with a new era -- the dawn of a new adventure, which is my new life.

Some Other Signs of Healing.....

A dear friend told me early on in this process that you'll know that you're beginning to heal when you start sleeping in the middle of the bed...instead of the side you stayed on during your marriage.

I think this is very indicative of how I'm tracking.

For the longest time in these two years, I've actually tried to sleep in the middle, but invariably I wake up on my side. Or...I'm so far on my side that I'm right on the edge.

It's been very interesting.

So, let's fast forward to these past few weeks.

Things have changed....and it's almost like it was overnight. My positive feelings....my happy thoughts......the simple joy that I have in drawing my next breath have just all "appeared."

Needless to say, I'm amazed.

And, this morning, I noticed that when I awoke, I am totally sprawled out across the bed. I mean my dog, Davy, barely has room to find a place to curl up on my QUEEN sized bed!

Am I healing or what?

Something has changed. Most definitely.

It's just a tad unsettling.

My West Virginia fatalism kicks in and I find myself wondering when something bad is going to happen. I'm just TOO happy.

But that is so silly. I've had such a sad life these past years.....and it's now refreshing to feel like I have definitely moved on.

Defnitely.

The Healing Continues

One of the thoughts my pastor left us with yesterday as she concluded her sermon was, “Choose Joy!”

I’m one of those guys that just did ever do that because up until very recently, I didn’t have a lot of joy to choose from.

It seemed that the gay thing had caused my life to spin totally out of control and that I spent the majority of my time bobbing and weaving from one drama until the next. Or that I would just exists from one tearful outburst from Lovey to another. And the complaints. Oh man…I had to put up with all the complaints about everything.

It was a sad life.

But in my journey here, I have started to experience joy: the simple joy of living….of catching my next breath…….or watching my dog sleep peacefully in front of the Christmas tree.

Perhaps the greatest joy that I’m now learning to handle is the joy of entertaining others and of being a good friend. You see, my gayness served as a pretty impenetrable fortress on which to forge friendships. I avoided them. I didn’t feel that I had much to offer.

Who, after all, would want to spend time with me….an ugly old fag.

But I’ve found out that I’m not necessarily ugly….and that the friends I have made do seem to want to spend more time with me. And I can’t begin to tell you how much it affirms me to hear them say, “Frank, you have such a wonderful and comfortable home!”

After all, it wasn’t that long ago when I was fretting about decorating my home…..and feeling so very unsure of myself or my abilities.at decorating.

But here I am al those months later….and my friends like what all I have done.

And all it took was me stepping out and doing it and giving it my best shot!

26 Years Ago Today...

December 12, 1981 was my big day.

It was the day that every person hopes to have and when that day dawns, it is full of hope and promise.

I’m speaking of my wedding to Lovey.

As of this writing, I am doing very well. I’m happy. I’m content. AND…I’m very glad that the divorce is over in all respects.

It’s been over six months since things were finalized, and I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with myself. I’m just enjoying the time of becoming more acquainted with me. It started off scary….but as I’ve gingerly found my way, it seems to be evening out nicely. So, stay tuned.

When I got home last night, I found some interesting mail waiting for me. I received Lovey’s Christmas Card and her holiday letter. This was a first for me. It also had a note that Lovey had made a contribution in my name to one of those charities that feed the underprivileged. I learned that whatever it was she gave, 800 people will be fed in my name.

So, she gave me a present. (At Thanksgiving, I had given her a photoquality print of the newspaper our son’s picture appeared in from my home town.)

I also had two other envelopes in my mailbox from Lovey’s retirement plan. A distribution had been made into an account established for me…. The original balance I was to be given had grown by $20,000!

So yesterday was a good day!

Life is going on rather nicely!

It's Time For An Anniversary!

Oh my!

It's THAT time of year again.

As of 2pm tomorrow, December 12, 2007, it will have been 26 years since I got married to Lovey.

Yes, it's another anniversary.

A day for me to pause and to remember. But don't count on me dwelling on the past. My present is keeping me WAAAAAAAY too busy for all that.

I suppose I'm still in shock. I mean, the separation and divorce and the aftermath were all such a black and bleak period for me. I never thought I'd see the light of day ever again.....or that I would ever be happy ever again.

Yet, within the past few weeks, I've noted that I'm a lot more happy and content than ever before. I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I've finally forgiven myself for all my shortcomings. (And, there are many.)

Still I'm amazed at how subtle the improvement came upon me. I'm so thankful that I'm happy and seemingly adjusting well to the fact that I am single....a single gay man that is no longer driven to find a mate. Or one that is haunted by the past.

I'm jus a guy, who is working to be complete and content...and I am well on my way.

I found the attached picture on the internet. It made me chuckle because it wasn't that long ago that I felt like the groom on the cake... Actually, the cake is a "divorce cake." Obviously it is taken from the wife's perspective.

I guess different people, express all the different feelings, well......er.....differently.

In thinking about things....it occurred to me that probably the epiphany started to hit me the night I drove Lovey to pick up #2 from the airport on the night before Thanksgiving. But there was a feeling of thankfulness on my part.......and I didn't write aout it here........to no longer have her in my life. I mean...she still has a lot of issues. And, it is clear that she's not going to be happy regardless of anything.

Further, she's beginning to tug on the kids.....trying to lay guilt trips upon them about their spending so much time with me and not with her.

So, I just leave them alone. It's their problem....and they need to work it all out.

I'm just going on about my business.....and being available when the kids want me. I refuse to make any demands upon them.

Weddings are such strange events. Do I still celebrate the marriage...or do as I have done for the past 2 years....just leave it all alone? I mean, no matter what I do or say....When December 12 rolls around annually......I can't change the fact that on December 12, 1981, that I walked down that aisle with Lovey.

Last year I purchased china to replace the china that Lovey filched when she left in June of 2006. I then took myself to dinner. I laid down a whole host of new memories....for my 25th anniversary.

I'm thinking that I don't need to do anything like that.

It's over.

And I'm getting on with my life.

It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good to be healing.

Nicely.

Friday Morning

Something has happened to Frank.

There has been a change.

I didn't see it coming....or feel it when it happened. It's just that I woke up this morning and most definitely there is change.

What is it you may ask?

I suppose it's a change of attitude....is that a mindset?

I think what's happened is that I've finally forgiven myself for the demise of my marriage.

You see, one of those core values that defined me as a person said that once you marry, it's forever. When you divorce it is failure.

I had ownership of the divorce.

I had been totally consumed by the if onlys.

If only I hadn't been gay.

If only I had tried harder.

If only I had been a better husband.

If only I had paid closer attention to Lovey.

If only I had tried to make Lovey happier.

If only I had made more money.

If only I had not been so fixated on my needs and wants.

If only I had sacrificed more.

If only I hadn't gotten the dog.

If only I hadn't put wooden spoons into the dishwasher.

If only I hadn't left the toilet seat up.

If only I hadn't acted on my gay tendencies.

If only I......I........I......I.......I.

This gets to be quite unhealthy after a while.

So, it's time to forgive myself. I'm human. Trying to be perfect and god like isn't healthy and it puts you under a whole lot of stress that just doesn't have to be there.

I'm a gay man with distinct needs. I did the best I could with the knowledge and drives that I had at the time. Hindsight is always perfect, but there is no going back.

And I've forgiven myself.....

I've really forgiven myself....

I'm beginning to like me again.

I wonder if the new medications have helped here. Perhaps chemical imbalances have caused the psychological issues I've faced.

My whole attitude has changed. My energy levels are at an all time high.

I feel like me...from many years ago. The positive and forward thinking me from years ago.

Yes, this is getting to be kind of interesting now.

My attitude is definitely adjusting.

Dr. Phil

Have y’all ever watched the Dr. Phil show?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been programming my trusty DVR to record him. It fascinates me.

But I’m just wondering if it’s me…or if someone else has noticed the tendency for Dr. Phil to bash husbands….and feel totally sorry for wives. I’ve never really seen him bash a wife for bad behavior.

Case in point: a husband has been separated from his wife for 6 months. They have been married for five years. He’s had at least 50 affairs and has several small children. She says that he is physically violent/abusive….he says that the only time he has ever gotten physical is in order to “restrain” her from punching his face. Dr. Phil and Bishop T. D. Jakes are horrified that he didn’t just walk away.

They spent much time harping on the guy’s affairs, which the man has said weren’t good…and realized they were wrong….but he said that she had her affairs too. Husband said that he spent a lot of time trying to get his wife to “grow up”. She never lifted a finger around the house. She has never learned to drive, even though he has encouraged her to do so repeatedly.

At one point during the discussion, the wife got “frightened” of the husband so Dr. Phil sat between them in order to calm her down.

Not once did Dr. Phil or the good bishop talk to the wife about her affairs….or how bad it was……or how inappropriate it is for a wife to attempt to punch out her husband’s headlights out.

Clearly I don’t get it.

Thursday Morning

Greetings from snowy Northern Virginia!

We've had an Alberta Clipper to move through and as I sit here and write this, the sun is dancing on the new fallen snow. It's beautiful outside....and the sky is a perfect blue. It's cold as can be outside, but still, it's so nice to have the snow.

I love it.

I apologize for not having written for a long while. I've been under the weather with a very bad head cold....and dual ear infections. Ah...the joys of diabetes. My doctor always says that with diabetes, you can be a whole lot sicker than you feel....and in my case...I felt so bad, I just didn't know what to do. I saw my doctor early on Tuesday.....she gave me an antibiotic, but yesterday I felt so very bad...I stayed home from the office.

It was so weird. I think this is the first time that I've been REALLY sick since my daughter moved to El Salvador... When you feel so bad, it only seems to heighten the feeling of aloneness. Gosh I hate it.

Had a busy weekend.

I went to church on Sunday and found myself, at lunch, receiving a pep talk from a lesbian couple. (I think I told you before that the lesbians in my church have all adopted me...and made me an honorary lesbo... It all stems from the retreat I attended in the summer and they all discovered that I was one of the few gay men present who knew how to throw a ball!)

What began the peptalk was the fact that they were going on and on about how they met. I'm always fascinated by hearing how gays and lesbians meet....and how the dynamics work. We then were talking about all our hopes for the New Year. I said that I hoped I'd my Mr. Right would become available...in the coming year. They turned to me and said, "Oh, Frank....you're not going to have any problems at all." With this they started enumerating all my good qualitites.

It's funny....but after all the years of marriage.....and the painful separation and divorce......it has been a long time since someone sat me down and proceeded to enumerate all the good qualities they perceive me to have. I felt like a dry sponge finally coming in contact with a small puddle of water. I sucked it all in. It made me feel great. I'm so blessed.

There's also a new friend of mine that I made while up in Providence. I think of him now as my life coach...and told him that I think he would do well in that kind of role. He's actually taken the time to talk to me.......via email.....via phone......and encouraged me. Sometimes, all it takes is one little word of encouragement that gets us through a dry place.

All I know is that I'm so very blessed to have such an arsenal of friends....online.....at church.....who seem to genuinely care about me. Gosh....to think I've had up those very tall and very thick walls for so long. I'm glad I was brave enough to let them down.....and to be a blogger....and to go to the church that I'm currently going to.

I am VERY encouraged.

Thanks to all of you...for your words of encouragement throughout the year.

On a sidebar topic....I had a chance to check in with therapist #4 about how I'm tracking with my life after divorce. I did not mention the other 3....and I certainly didn't say anything about what they had told me. I just wanted to hear his thoughts. It was his belief that I'm doing well. Therapy isn't needed. He thinks that there is quite an adjustment to be made after having been involved in a relationship for as long as I have. "Of course there will be the sad and lonely times," he said. "But, look at how you're dealing with them....you've made new friends....you've reached out.... You've not become a hermit or shut down." I also told him about my blog and my online support groups I am part of.... All of which he agreed were very healthy outlets to express my feelings and thoughts.
So I found all that affirming too.

So, today, I'm doing well emotionally.

One thing I've noticed....the bad times seem to be at longer and longer intervals.

This is a good thing!

An Entertaining Evening -- ALONE!

Yes, you read the title right.

And, based on some of the lectures I've received of late, it sounds like it was in the nick of time too! LOL.

Actually, I'm seeing some solid improvement in me over the past little while that I've not bothered to share with all of you. I guess I was too busy whining and working at getting the point across that divorce sucks....change sucks.......life alone sucks.......and at times, nothings helps a body more than a good.....solid......cry.

So, now, let me explain some of the growth I've been experiencing here in the past little while. First of all, I've stopped wallowing in the mire of what used to be....or what should have been......and mourning the loss of my little family. Actually, I haven't lost my family at all......just the location has changed....the names and faces all have remained. The only person I don't really think a lot about is Lovey. You see....since September and our visit with our son before he departed for Iraq cleared the air for me. I got a lot off my chest...and I was able to tell her a few things that had festered horribly.

Then, driving to the airport to pick up my daughter....and experiencing LOVEY OVERLOAD only served to expose the fact that the separation and divorce had, in a way, made me romanticize all the time with Lovey....and to magnify the good times..... My overload showed the bad times were still very much there....and that I have, in fact, gained a lot more good, solid ground than I give myself credit for.

So, with myself feeling pretty good about myself....and the fact that I had a good doctor's report today (had a thyroid scan to see what has caused my thyroid to shut down)....eveyrthing appears normal....no nodules, cysts, or tumors on the thyroid...but it is structurally sound. The next thing I have to do in a a week or so is to have a nuclear scan. Then we'll see what's causing it to misbehave...but at this point there's nothing to be frightened of.

Tonight I did something I have never done before: I took myself to dinner and to the Gay Men's Chorus Holiday Spectacular at George Washington University in DC. I've always gone with someone as company. It was like I was afraid to do things like this alone. Tonight though, I decided to do just that and I had a grand time. The music was beautiful......the eye candy was to die for......and I saw lots of people there that I knew. They came up and hugged me.....and were happy to see me.

All this was affirming to me.

Then, I came home...to my puppy dog's wagging tail.....and he nearly licked me to death.

Hey, I'm on the mend...and continue to grow and grow. Divorce isn't easy....and old habits die hard.

But I'm on new ground now....and it feels pretty good!

Thanks to all of you who have voiced your concerns....and inquired about my wellbeing.

Lovey Overload

I got to be with Lovey waaaaaaaaay too much over this holiday weekend!

She rode with me up to the Baltimore Airport to pick up #2. She then wanted #2 to stay with her at her mother's house, which #2 did twice. She also had agreed to go shopping with #2 first thing on Black Friday (this is why #2 chose to stay there on Thanksgiving night), but then backed out at the very last minute. #2 was totally furious for her mom not wanting to spend the time with her.

She then got really livid, when Lovey got mad at her for not wanting to have lunch with her on Friday....before she was scheduled to return to her home in the beautiful Shenandoah Valley on Friday afternoon. Actually, Lovey didn't get around to leaving her mother's until Saturday morning.....after all she has always been the world's number one procrastinator!

Not only did I get to see and hear Lovey all the way to the airport and back, but it just so happened that she sat herself right next to me at Thanksgiving Dinner at her mother's house. (Yes, I was invited...and for the sake of my daughter, I did go!)

Go figure.

She kept making all these snide little comments about the fact that my mom probably would never want to see her again. (She's right.) Or, how she wishes she had the type of relationship with my mother that I have with her's. (I ignored that one.) Or the one I liked best is when Lovey's mother made a comment about the fact the my parents were coming to her house for lunch on Saturday, Lovey said, "Well, I'll be safely gone by then!) (Thank God!)

I'm not sure why she seems so desperate to have a relationship with my parents. In 25 years of marriage, it wasn't that important to her.

Hmmmm.


All during the dinner and afterwards, I took some really great family pictures. I did this primarily for Lovey's mother. Whenever she saw me with the camera, Lovey would ask, "Have you gotten any good ones of me?"

A might self absorbed I'd say.

The one thing that really bothers me though is the fact that #2 was feeling like she was in the middle. Her mom was really good at putting her there and then making her feel guilty.

I told #2 that for Christmas, I just want her to do whatever she feels necessary to make her happy. The rest of us will be tickled to death!

I hate divorce....especially my own.

But, I'm also thankful that Lovey is far, far away in her own pad.

I'm now able to live in peace.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

So Much To Ponder

It’s gotten a whole lot colder and windier here in Washington, D.C.

White puffy clouds are virtually whizzing by underneath the canopy of a briliant blue sky. I’m stuck, sitting inside at my office, trying to get caught up on a zillion projects while my staff is off, still celebrating the holiday.

Just when I think I have made some progress in acclimating to the whole divorce thing and the living alone thing….EEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW…..it all comes flooding back into my heart, mind and soul.. The pain is not able to be fully described.

My mom and other caring souls have told me that I should “Just get over it.” Some have even suggested that I fall on my sword and ask for Lovey to reconsider a reconciliation!

Can you believe that one?

I can’t.

All I know is that I can’t just flip some internal switch to “get over it.” I am also confident when I say that the answer is definitely not to reconcile with Lovey.

This is just something that I’m going to have to process on my own…and deal with….and then move on.

I’m trying so desperately to figure out why I feel the way that I do. I mean, Why do I, a gay man, feel so miserable at times, about the breakup of a long term marriage, with a woman?

Why can’t I just move on? Turn the page. Shut the door or do whatever other metaphor seems appropriate.

Why do I have to feel like such damaged goods? Why do I feel so broken? So useless? So unloveable?

There is just so much to ponder. So many things to figure out.

Free Fall

Frank feels like he is in a free fall at the moment.

I guess this just comes with the territory of being gay. And...of being a divorced gay man, who happens to be alone.

My daughter, #2, arrived from Nashville early this morning....in the wee hours. Her flight arrived after midnight in Baltimore...and I went to pick her up with Lovey. #2 wanted both of us to meet her at the airport, which I did. I was civil...I was a good boy. But, man, I am really bothered by Lovey.....and I can certainly see how this divorce was the best thing for me.

I had a wonderful meal with my daughter, and my parents. They are with me for a few days for Thanksgiving. So, this is why I have been a little slow about posting the past few days. It has been busy...plus...I've had some medical problems crop up out of nowhere.

Yup...my back has been driving me crazy for the past week...and I had a visit with my doctor to discuss the diabetes....and my most recent blood work. The sugars have declined considerably since the last time I had blood work done about 8 weeks ago. But now I have a new ailment....my thyroid isn't working....and apprently ceased to work in October...about the same time as I went on the insulin.

So, it's kind of a bummer.

I was invited to the O'Lovey's house for dinner tonight with my daughter. There were 18 individuals there.....and it was fun being around everyone again. BUT..GOSH.....it's kind of hard trying to figure out what the rules of my new role are. I kept a rather low profile....and chit chatted with the family. Several of them came and gave me genuinely warm hugs....and pecks on the cheek to say how good I looked....and how glad they were to see me doing so well.

I smiled....and to be honest, I found myself wanting to say, "If you only knew."

Today I also got to hang around with my daughter somewhat. Gee, I am a sensitive creature.

Why is it when we are around people who genuine care for us, and they put an arm around our shoulder......or ask in that quiet and loving way, "Are you okay?" I well up with tears. They just stream down my face. Even after all this time....even after the divorce being final for almost 6 months.....even though I've been separated almost 3 years...., why do I still want to cry.

It scared #2....and she said that perhaps I should go to a shrink and talk about it.

She doesn't understand.

I'm not sure I fully understand....but the facts are rather stark:

A person I had lived with for 25 years ended it...and said some mighty hurtful things along the way. Even though I've been able to clear the air....and although I have received apologies.....that hurt is still there. It aches to my very core.

And there isn't anything I can do to make it better.

I just have to suffer with this...until the ache isn't as hurtful.

Until the ache totally goes away.

Tonight, the loneliness is starting to envelop me. What I wouldn't give to be able to feel a set of strong arms holding me as I fall asleep. Someone to say that they care for me or to at least say that I am loved.

My parents are fast asleep....the dog is in their room. My daughter is staying with her mother at Mom O'Lovey's house a couple of blocks away. I'm sitting here writing this.

Feeling as though a portion of my life is tumbling in a free fall into oblivion.

Will this ever get better do you suppose?

Will a man ever cross my path that is available fulltime for me? Someone that I can be a bit selfish with.....someone that I can feel close to again?

Where I'm not left to feel much like the left over turkey carcass in the refrigerator tomorrow afternoon? Cold....empty.....and dead?

Is this how the rest of my life will be.......the life of a gay, lonely and divorced man?

Clearing the Air

I am learning so much about myself. It’s amazing to reflect and see how I handle stress and how I handle conflict.

Early on in this blog I kept talking about how I felt like I had been misrepresented; that I was being portrayed inaccurately by Lovey, but that there was no really effective way for me to go about changing perspectives.

I decided to just suck it all up and keep moving forward. Let everyone think that I am the ogre.

It’s funny how things work out ultimately and how that I have been put into situations since that have allowed me to comment on my feelings and how things went down from my perspective.

Another case happened last night.

Mom O’Lovey decided to care for my cocker spaniel, Davy, while I traveled to WV this weekend with Brokeback to pick up my parents. They’re going to be spending about a week and a half with me for Thanksgiving. So, I’m very excited about it.

When I took the dog down to Mom O’Lovey’s house, she invited me to stay for dinner with her and her sister. I agreed.

We had a lovely time.

She kept making comments about my parents coming down to join her and Lovey and all the other sisters and brothers-in-law for Thanksgiving. I let it drop.

Finally when it came time to leave, she again made those comments and I finally took her aside and explained why that wouldn’t be a good idea.

“I’m not sure if you know this or not Mom, but my parents have some really significant issues with your daughter.”

“Oh?” Mom O’Lovey said.

“Yes,” I answered. I then explained the fact that during the marriage there were 8 significant deaths in my parent’s families, and Lovey – the good reverend, did not one time offer condolences, a call, a card, or her presence.

“That all spoke volumes to my mother and father,” I said. “Then when you couple in the fact that she never came to any reunions and there were some relatives she had never met, well, my parents are extremely hurt and feel very unloved…and therefore, it would be for the best, if they not be forced into a social situation with Lovey, if it can be helped.”

Mom O’Lovey immediately understood. She shook her head because she was totally unaware of all this. I then shared some other things to set the record straight….that apparently cast new light on some of the tales that Lovey had told about “that awful man she had been married to.”

My comments, weighed carefully and spoken in quiet tones carried a lot of weight with Mom O’Lovey. She sighed and shook her head because there was a lot she hadn’t heard.

I felt very relieved at having the opportunity to clear the air.

It was a long time coming.

Mom O’Lovey realizes that I am not necessarily the evil ogre I was originally portrayed as being.

The Empty Nest

Oh...today has been a very difficult one.

I cleaned out the children's rooms today. I came across some things that had been lovingly stored away...old Father's Day projects they had made for me....and that expressed their love to me. I even found some old ticket stubs from the theater where I took them to see many movies over the years.

It tore me up. I sat in the middle of their floor....and the tears flowed.

I know that I'm supposed to rejoice that my kids have grown into such wonderful young adults...but it still rips my heart out that they're gone. I suppose this is what the empty nest feels like.

Empty.

Silent.

My footsteps echo throughout the house...

Some of my friends think that I should have sold the house and bought something totally different. They say I should have changed my surroundings totally. They also said that I should go about getting a new job to just start in new surroundings and to enjoy new challenges. This wouldn't leave a lot of time for me to grieve all my losses.

Perhaps I should think about all this. Maybe I should sell the house....and move to something else now.

I don't know.

It's just been such a tough weekend....

Gray Monday Thoughts

It's Monday.....a federal holiday.....and I have the day off.

Lucky me.

The coffee is brewing....Davy, the cocker spaniel, is at my side, curled up asleep alongside me on the loveseat as I write this.

It's cold outside....gray and rainy. Just the kind of day a late autumn day should be.

I think it's the weather that affects my mood more than anything.

Once the coffee is made, I'm going to sip it...and ponder the rest of my day. I have to tear into the upstairs bedrooms and get them organized. I need to vacuum...and I also need to shampoo those rugs...as well as to work on the wood floors of the main level. I also have to vaccum the stairways.

It's going to be a nonstop day for me. Once it begins.

But first, I need to just relax...and focus on me for a little while.

After all these years of being the provider...the protector. It's really kind of hard to begin to focus on me and my needs. There's so much to get used to now that I'm alone. Twenty-five years is a long time.....and as my friends have said repeatedly, "you aren't going to get used to things overnight."

So, here I sit...with the smell of coffee wafting through the air.....and my dog snoring.....and I'm being haunted by days of old.

It's so funny....when I was married, I used to long for those times when Lovey was away on a trip and for the kids to be in school. I could have a few moments to myself... I actually used to fantasize about living alone.

And now that I'm alone...I fantasize about living with someone....or romanticizing the time I had with Lovey... I sort of minimize all those bad times. And there were many.

Are we humans ever happy? Are we gay men every truly happy?

I mean, really happy?

If I had a trophy man in my life who lived with me 24/7, would I really be happy? Or would I zero in on his flaws...and then fantasize about living alone again?

Oh, the puppy dog just moved in closer and sighed. I wonder if he just sensed my sadness. In his own way he appears to be trying to make me feel better.

I'm glad I have him.

Sunday Morning Blues

Well, it's a cool Sunday Morning here in Alexandria.

I slept in late and I thought I'd go ahead and post this before my day got going. I need to go shower, shave and get ready for church. It's terrible but I am feeling so unmotivated and I have tons of things to get done before my company all arrive for the Thanksgiving Holiday.

Tomorrow is a federal holiday, and I also have Tuesday off. So, I've got plenty of time to get the place organized. The house isn't nearly as bad as the good old days when Lovey was here, but still I'm a little picky -- and it needs a good cleaning.

I'm just a tad down today. Not sure of the cause other than the fact it is the fact that I am all alone. My only company is my dog. Thank God for him!

I've also been thinking about where I was this time last week...with all my gay friends. I miss each of them too. A number of them have been keeping in touch with me via email. So that's nice.

Why does being gay have to be such a lonely existence? I mean I have tons and tons of friends thankfully, but they can't be available 24/7. I find that those times when they aren't available are the times when I'm loneliest.

Ah, I suppose this is the mystery of me.

You'd think that an only child would have things together and be able to deal with the aloneness better.

Not me!

It will be good to be with my church friends.

Paranoia

One of the unhealthy side effects of being gay is paranoia.

It is really quite sad. It doesn't make one feel good. It leaves you wondering if you're being silly...or if you are really sensing something that is in need of further attention.

Well, today I had a bout of paranoia to strike.

And this is really silly.

I made a visit to my former mother-in-law's house. It was good getting to spend some time with her. I haven't been to her house in several weeks. So, it was good getting to talk to her and her sister.

As I talked with them, I told them that I had a copy of the movie, "Evening" and would they like to come down tonight and watch it on my big screen. They agreed, but they also said that they were going to dinner with the good dentists...did I want to go too? I said, okay. They then asked if the dentist could come too.

I said sure.

So, dinner time came and the dentist was there. However, he said that he couldn't come over.

Okay, this is the second time he has been invited to come to my house with the two ladies. It's the second time he's had something else that precluded him from coming over.

Keep in mind that this is a man who virtually stays with my former mother-in-law. He hasn't had much of a life. He's the lonely guy, according to Lovey. So that's why he is always at their house.

So, it strikes me as kind of odd that he doesn't come to my house when invited.

Oh, don't worry. I'm not going to lose any sleep tonight over this, but I do find it interesting.

WHY?

I know that I have a lot of female readers.

So, in all humility, I'd like to ask them to please comment on this post.

Before I write it out I want to be sure to say that this is me writing...and I mean no harm. I'm just a formerly married gay guy that is having some difficulty here...and some of your all's insight would be very helpful.

It is no secret that I have lots of male friends who are closeted gays. They live, like I did, in their own private hell. Eeeking along from day-to-day. Hoping that no one will find out....no one will ever know.

However, I have noticed them do some things that really drive me over the edge at times...that I just don't understand.

They complain about their lives. They want so badly to be able to have a steady lover....to live the gay life....to be themselves....but in the same breath, they voice a horrible fear of their wives.

The fear that their wives will find out.

I suppose they feel that western civilization, as it is now known, will cease permanently.

Okay...I understand that fear....

But at the meeting I attended in Rhode Island, a number of the married guys voiced the fear of returning home. They've had an outstanding weekend.... They've had the opportunity of spending time with other guys who understand and who happen to be traveling a similar path.

They've made new friends, some of whom have never had real male friends before. They're learning to be social beings after having lived for years behind walls of solitude and fear.

Their wives knew that they were coming to this gathering of men.

So why the fear of returning home?

One of my friends returned home to a psycho wife... She actually mistreated him....and accused him of all manner of evil stuff...when all he did was to be able to join with other gay men to talk about their innermost feelings and thoughts?

Why do you women do that?

Why do you assume the worst?

Give us some credit.

Finally, there are those married men who make plans with their buds. If the wife wrinkles up her nose or says "I don't like it that you're doing that...." They cancel at the last minute -- only to spend hours on end bitching about the fact that their wives made them do it.

Or the husbands with controlling wives who, even though the husband has made some plans, take charge and change them all. Why couldn't the husband grow some balls and say, "No! I have it all arranged. Don't worry."

Why does it seem that the wives have to be the superior party in the marriage.....when it's supposed to be a partnership? Why do the husbands always feel the need to roll over and play dead.....and then whine about it when they could have done something to make it different? Perhaps these husbands should fold up their Rainbow flags and put them away.

I gave latitude to my former wife. I tried to please her on occasion. But, when I had made plans...and she tried to upset them....I'd simply say... "No."

Maybe this is why I'm now divorced?

Who knows?

But it seems to me that if you're married...there should be some give and take on both sides.....not an exhorbitant amount of giving on the gay husband's side of things. Being gay should not make you become a doormat to be steamrolled over routinely.

As I've said in this blog on several occasions.....when a husband has struggled with this issue for so long.....and he comes out....the issues suddenly becomes all about the wife.

Obviously...from what I've seen and heard lately, the marriage does too.

Strength for the Journey

The meeting in Rhode Island was one of the most meaningful I’ve attended in all my life. It ranks up there in importance very close to the religious retreat I attended back in August.

I suppose the reason for all this happens to be the fact that in both instances I’m presenting myself as an authentic gay man. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing perverted. Just your average, run-of-the-mill, garden variety, hot-blooded, American, gay male.

It is so liberating.

Many of the guys spoke to the fact that in growing up they had few male friends….primarily due to the fear of being discovered as gay. Man, I can relate to that. The majority of my life has been lived in fear of what others thought… And to finally arrive at the place where it doesn’t really matter….that you’re loved and accepted. Well, it’s hard to describe.

Being gay is so much more than slamming similar body parts together between the sheets.

It’s about intimacy and feeling close to another man that understands. Someone you can be yourself and not feel like you have to have the wall in place to be a “man.” It’s about being able to just run up and hug a friend…or even to greet him with a kiss.

Being gay is about how you view your world. It’s comraderie. It’s about being able to have fun….to be like a kid….to be goofy….to laugh…..and to actually love and connect with another man.

It’s being able to understand him….totally. No mystery.

And when it comes to the sexual intimacy….it’s passionate equally…..it’s intense……it’s affectionate……and you know how the various parts work….and what feels good and what doesn’t.

A number of the wives of the men that attended this meeting were fearful of letting their husbands attend this because their perception was that it would be nothing more than a sex-fest. I can assure you, it wasn’t any of this.

It was just a bunch of middle aged gay guys on similar paths comparing war stories…..feeling each other’s pain…..and caring for one another. Shedding tears here and there….

As I told my story….I lost it. I brokedown and cried…..and a number of the guys did the same as I finished.

Emotionally we connected. Simply.

Unashamedly.

One new friend actually spent a significant time holding me…..and allowing me to cry. God bless him!

Aw everyone….sometimes I think I have come such a long way…..and then I look up…and realize that I have even further to go.

There are so many twists and turns on this path.

It takes such strength to keep moving forward.

That "Ache"

Okay, I’m back from my trip to Rhode Island.

To be honest, I’ve never really been a fan of New England. So, it hasn’t been at the top of my list of vacation hot spots or really any place that I had a driven desire to go visit. But this weekend was the annual gathering of my married men’s online group that I have been a member of for a very long time. I decided to attend. Primarily to reconnect with some of my old friends – to make new friends, and to explore the sites.

All told, there were about 35 men there. A lot of them are still married to their “best friends”….and they say that they have no intention of leaving them for another man. But in the next breath they also introduce you to their boyfriends or their life partners (male)….or however they wish to refer to that special man in their life.

In being around these men, I felt that old familiar “ache” stir up inside of me. Well, actually, it stirred up at least a couple of old familiar aches…that it has taken me several hours to get over.

Let me explain.

To hear all these guys talk about them having been married to their “best friend”….really hurt. Because there was a time in my life where I felt that I was married to a friend….. I thought I had all those things that one was supposed to have: the house, the cars, the kids, the successful career, the dog, etc. But, my best friend turned on me. She said that she didn’t love me any more.

And so I was summarily dumped.

That hurt. But that’s not what generates the ache now. It’s the pure fact that these men have wives that continue to stand with them…. One man said that his love for his wife has grown exponentially ever since she gave him the go ahead to explore his other self. He also said that he feels closer to her….and they talk more about everything.

I ached.

I ached because I knew that this is the relationship with Lovey I thought I would have ultimately. But, it won’t ever be.

God, how it aches…

And there isn’t a blessed thing I can do to make the ache go away. Only time will make it be so.

Another ache that I had this weekend was the fact that there were so many men present with the significant men in their lives. You could see it in their eyes….the contentment….the happiness…..the love.

In the main sessions, I watched as a few of the couples settled into a comfortable position.

An arm draped over a shoulder.

A body leaning into another.

A hand clasped in another.

A hand resting comfortably on a thigh or a gentle pat on a knee.

Yes, these men were content.

And in those moments when someone spoke….and a tear drifted down a cheek….there was that gentle nudge….or a hand to brush the tear away……or a gentle squeeze of the hand.

And, in me, there was that ache and the wish that my special guy was sitting next to me.

Rainbows and Stuff!

As I get older, the gay pride symbol--the Rainbow Flag, becomes incrasingly moving to me.

Years ago, while I was i the closet, I used to walk at lunch time. Directly next to my building is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, better known as NASA. I remember so very well always getting to the corner of the building just in time to see this well built youngish man ride up on his bicycle, tie it up to the street sign of his choice, and then to disappear into the middle of the building someepplace.

Now the unique thing about this young man, was the fact that my gaydar went off everytime I went near him. He had a beuatiful, buff body and he filled out his clothes quite nicely. AND, most importantly, on his bike was a beautiful rainbow sticker wrapped around the handle bars.

Yes, he was family. I was right.

So every day, I would look for that bike and most usually, I would find it and receive a trmendous blast of affirmation.

I also used to thrive on seeing gay pride stickers on the backs of cars. It made me happy inside. And I never spolk3e of it to a living soul until now through this blog.

Yes, I have another thing about rainbows that I only learned today. I was listening to an old Jim Croce song that speaks of rainbows.

A line from the song says something to the effect that, "You first have to have some rain before you can have a rainbow!"

I hadn't quite thought about that one before. But it's true!

The rain helps you to appreciate the beauty and calmness of the rainbow.

Perhaps one day I will appreciate rainbows more since I've had to endure so many storms in my life.

A Great Weekend Planned Ahead!

A couple of weeks ago I decided to do something special – just for me. I’m going to do something that I’ve wanted to do for the past couple of years, but never got the nerve to do it. So, this year I’m doing something about it!

I’m a member of an online group called HOW. HOW stands for Husbands Out to Wives. This is the group that I discovered a couple of weeks prior to my separation. They were holding their annual meeting in Baltimore that year and I had signed up to attend one day of it. That day was day two following the pronouncement from Lovey.

I was a wreck.

However, I have made so many very special friends in that group…and I have wanted to participate in subsequent gatherings, but just didn’t have the courage to commit. So, this year I decided to do it.

This year we are meeting in Providence, Rhode Island at the Providence Biltmore Hotel. I’m arriving super late tonight….and will be there until Monday morning. I’ll get to take part in all the workshops and offerings….and get to know all the guys better. Some of the men I know very well and they have taken time for me over the years to bring me up out of the pit.

So, that’s my weekend plans!

Wish me luck!

Nothing is Ever What It Appears to Be!

I guess summer is officially over now. Well, actually, it’s been over since late September, but temperature-wise here in Washington, the hot, summer-like days have persisted.

This, though, is the third straight day of gloomy, wet, and gray. I hate days like this.

I really do.

But, I have no control over them. So, I have to make the most of it.

Today.

I have so much that I can write about. But I just don’t know what the best topic is. I don’t want this to be boring for you all. I don’t want to come across as a whiner. On the flip side, I don’t want to appear that I’ve got all the answers and that I’ve got it all together.

I don’t.

This was painfully apparent when I learned something this week that I did not know.

A friend of mine just told me some very troubling things that have haunted me. So, let me share.

About 15 years ago, Lovey and I had moved into the house that I now own. We were quite excited about having our first home….and busy beginning our new routines of getting the children to school…..finding the perfect furniture for our house….etc. It was really something. (It’s very hard to believe how long ago that really was….and now how much things have definitely changed.)

At that time, she and I began attending a church here in the area that had been a part of our lives since our wedding in 1981. It’s where we actually married. In 1993, there was a new pastor there.

Lovey and I befriended him and began a very active period in the life of that church. He had two children….one son in his early 20s…..and one son about my daughters’ age (12 or so). In fact, one of my daughter’s became totally smitten by the 12 year old and they became inseparable.

The pastor and I became close friends….but I noticed he was sort of “detached” most of the time. Still I liked him and worked to help his ministry in any way that I could. Lovey and I noticed that the older twenty something son was quite mysterious and wasn’t even living at home. He was with friends in another state and rarely made any appearances in this area.

This young man was totally drop-dead gorgeous…and I discerned that he may have been gay. Looking back I’m not sure if it was my accurate gaydar at work or whether it was wishful thinking on my part. Still, I kept my distance, but was always friendly when he was at church and tried to be a friend to him.

About a year or so later, the pastor and his family moved to another church….very abruptly…without any heads up to me…even though I was considered to be his closest friend…..and confidant. It was just announced and just in the blink of an eye….they were gone!

It always bothered me. There was also an element of hurt there too.

Fast forward to now. My friend told me the whole story of what happened with that pastor and he finally answered the mystery surrounding his eldest son.

The pastor was estranged from his eldest son. This was because the son was in fact struggling with his sexual identity. The pastor disowned him. The son went to live with friends in another state, when the pastor was assigned to my church, and only made very occasional visits into the area, primarily to visit his mother. Over time, the son got caught up in some very negative things and his rejection by his father began to take its toll. The son began acting out to the point of attempting suicide on four different occasions.

The pastor was afraid that people would find out about his family….their shortcomings…..and his shortcomings….so he left. Abruptly! Just like that.

Now, no one knows for sure where that son is.

And, I never knew.

Anyything.

I just wonder what, if anything, I could have done for either party. I probably wouldn’t have been much of a blessing to them because of the depth of my own closet….and the fact that I was struggling with my own identity.

It just goes to show that even in churches, nothing is ever what it appears to be on the surface.

Memories of Lovey

I met a friend for dinner last night. He hasn’t seen me in a few years, and word of the divorce took him by tremendous surprise.

“I’m not really shocked,” he said matter-of-factly. “It was always clear to me that Lovey put her ministry before you and the kids and that the kids always seemed to gravitate toward you.”

He went on.

“It always used to bother me how she would have her sermon books, notes, and related materials scattered all throughout your house. Your stuff was in a closet and whenever you took it out, she would always say, ‘remember to put it back.’ But her stuff always was scattered throughout. Man, I don’t know how you put up with all that.”

He then told me about how he had run into Lovey at a restaurant during the separation. Of course, at the time, he didn’t know that we were separated. He said that she was cold, distant and aloof and it had bothered him. He asked her where I was, and she said, “He’s not with me.”

That exchange had bothered him, but he had assumed that she was angry with him about something and he said his goodbye and was on his way.

He was very sad to hear about all the things I had gone through and endured over the past 2 years.

Then he paused and looked at me and said, “I’m glad you’re doing well. You look GREAT! “

He said that I appeared “together” and “relaxed.”

His comments have now joined the legions of others who have all said the same thing. I look “good”…..I look “relaxed.” I have “landed on my feet.”

So, it must all be true. I mean, all these people didn’t all just get together and say, “Hey, when we see Frank again, let’s tell him how good he looks….or how relaxed he looks.”

He made a whole lot of other observations last night and I’m left asking myself, why didn’t he and my other friends say something to me during my marriage about the things they were noticing….or the vibes they were getting? I would have certainly listened to and respected what they said. Their words would have found a lodging place within my heart.

But for whatever reason, they all chose to remain silent.

So, now as I’m adjusting to a single life, I’m hearing the stories. The stories of other people’s encounters with Lovey….of other people’s observations of Lovey……of the negative impressions they had of Lovey…

And I thought I was the only one with stories of Love to tell.

Am I Really Partner Material?

Well, the sugars appear to have finally stabilized somewhat. This morning when I awoke we were at 78. Perhaps I have turned a corner. I still feel a bit odd. It just can’t be described. Maybe those of you who have diabetes can relate to this, but I just feel out of sorts and I can’t seem to pinpoint just what the problem is.

I hope how soon this passes.

I don’t like feeling the way that I do.

It’s amazing how my mood has been affected by all this. I have been so “down” on myself. I’ve even felt a bit angry…which, if you knew me, would know how simply bizarre this all is. It’s just out of character for me. I’m not one to be angry and have always been on the gentle side. But the past few days, WHEW. At night as I drift off to sleep I ask myself, “Where did all THAT come from?”

Don’t y’all begin to worry. I’m watching all this and if I reach a point where I think I need to do something about all this, I’m not bashful at seeking help.

I’ve learned that with diabetes, the moods shift. The attitudes change. It’s all a matter of being patient and being good to myself and realizing that this is just how it is. At least physically I have more energy than before.

At times like this, I wonder if really I am partner material.

Oh, on the good days, I know that I’m quite the catch. I’m loving…and kind…..and funloving. I’m gregarious, thoughtful, and smart.

But, on the bad days….I can be a bear. It would take an awfully special man to live with me and to put up with all that.

So, this is something else to think about.

Am I really the kind of guy that truly wants someone 24/7?

I wonder how my bearish days would really be if I had someone around?

Do you suppose that if I had a loving gentleman in my life who could walk up to me and put his arms around me and say, “I know you’re going through it at the moment…but I’m here for you!” that I would not feel so bearish?

If someone were to treat me as “first” in his life and not as leftovers, to love me unconditionally, and I felt safe, would I get cranky?

Do you suppose I begin to feel like I’m feeling now, because it’s just me and the dog?

Before things began to go downhill in my marriage, I don’t remember having this roller coaster of moods. It was as if Lovey, just by being there, helped to even things out somewhat. My only regret is that I was in the role of a leftover with her. I was an afterthought…everything and everyone else came first. I seemed to show up in her list of priorities generally dead last:

…..after her ministry.

…..after her church work.

…..after her countless telephone calls.

…..after her colleagues.

…..after her degree.

…..after her job.

…..after her parents.

…..after her sisters.

The kids and I were forced to encourage each other….and we became each other’s number one fans.

Gosh, I don’t know what I would do, or how I would behave if another man fell for me and put me first for a change. Even thinking about it makes the tears surface.

I’m not a selfish person. So, I don’t want you to think that if some Prince Charming came into my life and did all this that I would just sit there. I wouldn’t. I’d give just as much as I was given.

It’s always been my nature to love unconditionally….to honor….to trust….to care….and to put my mate number one in my list of priorities. I did this with Lovey in spite of everything.

I’ve got a lot of pent-up emotions that I want to experience before I leave the planet.

Now, if only the Prince would do his part!

Hmmmm….somehow just putting all these feelings down have made my mood change and I feel my spirits rising.

Am I screwed up or what?

Dang the Diabetes!

It’s causing me problems again.

Yesterday when I awoke, I was at 57….normal is anywhere between 65-110. It took a bit of effort to get the sugars to rise. Then, this morning when I awoke, I was at 160. Go figure.

So, I’m frustrated about all that.

I’m just not feeling well today. When I don’t feel well everything takes on a negative hue. It exacerbates my loneliness…..my feeling bad towards myself for being gay…..for not being “normal”……for blowing a 25 year marriage……for living alone…….

This is awful.

My internist always says that I need to beware of the fact that with this chronic problem, there are mood swings. Oh boy are they swinging in the wrong direction this morning.

As I’ve had a few moments to myself this morning, I’ve taken an assessment of myself. Never dreamed that I would be so totally alone at this stage in my life. I thought I would have someone in my corner to give me encouragement….to give me a big bear hug……a kind word…..or a pat on the head.

But here I sit all alone…..mustering up the strength to do all those things for myself. Sometimes I just run all out of energy.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the things I have happening at any given moment in my life. Can I keep all the balls in the air and keep them all in motion without any help?

Surely I can……surely I’m not the only person on the planet that has gone through all this stuff.

But at times I feel that way.

Dumbledore is GAY!

Who knew?

Author J. K. Rowling creator of the Harry Potter series just disclosed this week that the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Wizadry and Witchcraft in the series is gay! Rowling made this disclosure during her stop at Carnegie Hall in New York.

Do you know what I found to be the most surprising thing about this disclosure?

The audience response.

They cheered!

That’s right.

The audience cheered that this beloved character is gay!

So, given the fact that the Christian Right has already had negative things to say about Harry, and raising children’s interest in the mystical arts, this is just one more development that will undoubtedly be billed as a part of the “satanic gay agenda.”

As a gay man, I really appreciate this development. I also am quite impressed that Rowling had the nerve to do this to one of her characters. (The article I read also said that she disclosed this development to the folks currently producing the latest movie in the series.) Given the popularity of everything Harry Potter, this will undoubtedly bring us gay folks more into the mainstream…and hopefully we won’t be seen as evil or be seen as a significant contribution to the fall of mankind or the twin towers on 9/11.

It’s encouraging.

A few years ago, one of my daughters outted me fairly frequently to her friends at college…and they all seemed to think it was cool to have a gay parent.

Sorry to say, I’m just now…as I reach the tender young age of 50…beginning to embrace my coolness. So we’ll see.

In the meantime, another interesting tidbit:

I’ve been DVRing “The View” and was slightly amused to find out that on Friday’s installment, a transgendered actress was interviewed to discuss her role in the new ABC series, “Dirty Sexy Money.”

Her name is Candis Cayne and she is simply beautiful. Kind of hard to believe that she was once a man named Brendan McDaniel? AND, on top of this she is married to a man and has a stepdaughter.

On the program, she plays a transgendered character in love with the William Baldwin character. (See picture.)

So, the times are a changing!

Thank goodness.

A New Fear

The last few years have been filled with new situations and new problems to deal with. Each of these unknown items have caused fear to well up within me. But I've learned to deal with each issue as it has come and at least for now, I've passed each test with flying colors.

But now I am faced with a new fear.

And, if what I fear does comes to pass, I'm not so sure that I'm going to be able handle it so gracefully.

You see...I'm terribly afraid of my doorbell.

Why you may ask?

Well, because my son is stationed as Military Policeman in Iraq, I'm terrified that one day my doorbell is going to ring and there will be some uniformed people standing there to deliver news that my boy isn't going to be coming back.

Years ago I saw the movie "Saving Private Ryan." I will never forget the segment where the mother is standing in the kitchen of her farmhouse and she see the strange car approaching. The military representatives are coming to tell her of the deaths of her sons.

It's a stunning visual -- one that at the time I couldn't relate to. Of course, all my children, were children.

Now, though, I have a son in the military. He's stationed overseas during war time.

I think about him every day.

I pray.

I pray for him.

At the end, I always pray for my doorbell.

That it won't ring with bad news.

I Need to Toss That Superman Suit

It just dawned on me that I have spent all my adult life trying to be Superman!

Somewhere over the course of my almost half a century being on the planet, I adopted this role. I thought of not being just a son, but I had to be the BEST son in all the world. I thought of not being just a student, but I had to be the best student in the whole darn school. I thought of not being just a husband, but I had to be the best one ever....even surpassing my childhood idol....Ward Cleaver. I thought of not be just an employee, but I had to be the best one.

And the list goes on and on and on and on......

Best church member.

Best friend.

Best father.

Best homeowner.

Best photographer.

Best teacher.

Best EVERYTHING!

And you know something?

I've experienced failure in each one of these roles. Not because I wanted to, but because that is how things worked out. It's just a part of the plan of things. None of us is perfect.

Now as the divorce continues to speed into memory.....I'm learning to relax and to try and not take things so personally.

Rejections come.....people get mad at you......and when it comes to gayness..... Well, not everyone is for everybody. So, even in this, I need to learn to experience rejection for what it is. Nothing personal.

It's kind of how I view coconuts and pineapples. Coconuts and pineapples are beautiful creations.

They're perfect.

The only problem is that I do not like coconuts or pineapples.

Nothing personal...just not my cup of tea.

So it is with gay men. Some like me....some don't. I don't have to change me in order for them to like me.

All I need to do is to be myself. Be happy. And by all means, I need to toss out that Superman costume.

Latest Visit to the Doctor

Yesterday was the dreaded visit to the doctor again. This was a two-week followup to my last visit, where the doctor looked at me and said that I needed to make some drastic changes....namely, to go onto insulin. My sugar levels were totally out of control. I felt horrible.

It wasn't a good experience.

However, yesterday's was much, much better. The kindly doctor told me that she was proud of the way that things had turned around and that I'm moving in the right direction. I still need to make some additional changes. But, I'm on my way!

My sugar levels have dropped from 350 to the 140s with a minimum dose of insulin. All we have to do is to tweak my dosage to find the perfect dose.

In the meantime, the doctor told me that I should be feeling much better -- I am! She also told me that I should be thinking much more clearly and be focused -- I am! I told her that I feel like a new person. I've also noticed that I am sleeping much better through the night.

So, I guess I'm not quite ready for the grave just yet!

I go back to see her in exactly one month. I also have to have lab work done and then she will see how my body is responding to all of this.

Tomorrow I go visit the eye doctor and get new glasses. Oh, the joys of fall maintenance!

Last Day of Vacation

Today is my last day of what has been an awesome vacation.

This one has been very different. I've had a friend here visiting from California and we spent a hunk of the time traveling around....seeing all the sites......laughing....talking and just enjoying one another's company. The whole purpose of his visit was to get away himself for a few days and pick my brain about all that I've been through divorce-wise. You see, he's struggling with the gay issue and he wants to divorce his wife. He's told her his plans. She's not willing to let him go and pretty much is one of those wives who is willing to let him be gay, act gay, and still be in the marriage.

I was able to offer him some words of wisdom and to expose some pitfalls that I discovered on my journey. It was a good visit.

This vacation was also a bit different for me in large part due to my being on insulin. I can't believe my energy levels! I'm also sleeping like the dead at night and awakening VERY refreshed...relaxed...and ready to take on the day. Quite an improvement from what I've been feeling for so long. I felt so bad all the time, that I thought I was feeling the normal pangs of older age. GEE.

My emotional well-being is drastically improved....as is my self-esteem.

I can see this in my interpersonal relationships...and how I view them. I'm not feeling so co-dependent. I'm not fixated.

I saw this happen on Friday. Something silly happened with one of my friends....and it's so left-field....downright bizaare.....that I'm left with feelings of ambivalence. Yes, there are feelings of sadness and sorrow......there were tears.....but then the ambivalence set in. Damage has been done. Significant damage--I need to determine if the friendship is worth trying to patch up and save.

Had all this happened before now...I would have been wallowing in feelings of self-pity and uncertainty. I would have been blaming myself and trying to figure out what I did wrong or what was wrong with me.

But now, I realize...it's not me. Sometimes other folks screw up. Sometimes they have issues. Sometimes they have to give into the drama.

Sometimes you just have to let them go.

Sunday Morning Early

I bet you all thought I had dropped off the face of the earth!

Really, I haven't. I just had a houseguest for the past week or so, and he just left to return to his home in San Francisco.

He's a guy that I met online through an organization I'm a part of. He is just beginning the divorce thing...and had been quizzing me about what all I had been through during the course of my separation and the subsequent divorce. So, I invited him out here to spend a week of decompressing....or seeing the sites....and also shooting pictures with his digital camera. As you all know, I enjoy this stuff too...so we were quite a match shuttling to the various points of interest the Washington DC area has to offer.

I just drove him to Dulles Airport...and have now returned home to a very quiet house. It's kind of odd to have the place back to myself....after having had company for the past 8 days.

A lot has been happening...and I will catch you all up in the coming days. But, I wanted you all to know that I'm back!

Progress is Being Made!

Thanks to each of you who have written to me out of concern about my silence.

I have been struggling to adjust to my new life with insulin. So far, my sugars have dropped by half. Still they have not gotten to the normal phase, but hopefully it will be just a matter of time before all returns to normal. Already I am seeing great changes in my energy levels...and the fog that has clouded my motivation appears to be lifting. Hopefullly, things will continue to get better.

Your good thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated.

For the past few days I have been entertaining a friend of mine from the West Coast. He's a married guy who is working through his gay issues. He's already decided that he is going to divorce his wife of over 20 years and move forward in his new life.

I took him into DC today and we walked all over... He has been to this area before, but hasn't really had the opportunity to do much touring. So, we have really had a good time.

One things that he and I both saw at one of the Smithsonian Museums was both surprising and quite affirming.

My friend and I spent quite a bit of time touring the the Air and Space Museum on Independence Avenue. As we walked around and viewed all the exhibits, I was rather amazed to discover that the American History Museum is closed for renovations. However, some of the more popular items are on display at Air & Space in a special gallery.

As we walked through the gallery we came upon an exhibit that was described as new acquisitions. A sign said that although the American History Museum was temporarily closed, the Smithsonian was still actively acquiring new items to document the American Experience. So imagine our shock when we saw in the showcase items from a 1965 demonstration before the White House seeking equal treatment for homosexuals. These items were from the collection of activist, Frank Kameny. The display has some protest signs, a photoraph of the original demosntration, and buttons that said, "Gay is Good."

Can you imagine?

Attached with this article is a photograph my friend took of the exhibit.

I was pleasantly amazed.

One visitor at the display was also amazed....he smiled and said, "Ten years ago, this would never have been here. Progress is being made."

Yes, progress is being made.