Wednesday, December 23, 2015

The Holidays

Since Mom and Dad's passing in 2010 and 2011, the holidays have been very bittersweet for me. As I've gotten older, sadly I've learned what a spoiled brat I was, and still am to a certain degree. I'm an only child, and yes there are times when I still want everything to be all about me.

Me, me, me!

But I've also grown up to the knowledge that I'm not a selfish jerk...and as much as I want it to, the world is just not going to revolve just around me.

So, I've made it my life's mission to try and focus on others first. To make sure of their happiness. Their comfort. Their needs. In doing so, my needs are always met.

Today is my last day in the office until Monday. I have a lot of stuff to do next week and so while everyone else is on holiday, hopefully I can get all that stuff done.

I've spent a lot of time thinking as I prepared for this Christmas. I'm very happy that I get to spend time with all my children. The grandkids sadly will be with their respective mothers this year. So it will be me and my children. ALL of them. Lovey will be swooping through a considerable amount of time. So my family will all be together. The original 5 of us. Like it used to be when we were young.

Life was a bit less complicated in some ways....but then I suffered from the complication of a life in the closet. What a struggle that was and it clouded everything including the joy of parenting small children.

But I'm thankful that life for me is in a more settled place. But I still grow wistful on holidays such as this. I remember the past. I remember people.

But I'm so thankful for all the people I still have.

And, my, haven't we come a long way.

Lovey and I are "friendly."

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Moving On (AGAIN!)

It's amazing how just when you think you have things all figured out, you have that long awaited special man in your life, you're happy and all is right with the world, it all comes to a crashing halt!!! Such is my life....or should I say my dating life.

My life is like a very busy airport....people coming into my life....people leaving my life....and there are all those gazillion others who are moving around in my life in one state or another. Romances this year have been how I would describe as several "near misses." Each of those were wonderful for the brief time I had with them. Some were far more wonderful than others. But they all crashed and burned for multitudes of reasons. One ended our "friendship" because his wife found out. Another ended because he was into women and could not stop talking about all their hot body parts. The Colonel preferred an abusive arrangement with his wife. And then there was Steven.

My relationship with him lasted for nearly four months. He had the charm....he had the looks.....he had the right mix of spirituality...compassion....gentleness...and all the other things that make for the foundation of a possible LTR. He freely talked about all this. He told me that I was everything he had ever hoped to find in an eligible gay guy. He also said that I had treated him far better than any other relationship he had ever been in including with his wife of 16 years.

It didn't take long for him to totally melt my heart. He told me he loved me. He told me all kinds of things that led me to believe this could be the real deal.

But as with all of us, he had some considerable baggage--baggage that I worked to overlook. But in the end, it was too much for him...and he chose to pull the plug....appropriately on Pearl Harbor Day.

Needless to say, I've been somewhat devastated by this turn of events. Long time readers of this blog will remember all the times I've spent looking for the one....and each time...something happens from left field that ultimately undoes all the good that has developed.

That happened here.

I could sense he was having some issues....but I told him I would give him the space necessary for him to chart the right navigation for him. We each expressed confidence in our love for the other.

Still as time neared the end, I sensed it coming. In my home town I had a friend that had recently come out. I refer to him as a "Baby Gay". I told him the whole story with Steven...and he offered valuable insight. We spent many hours talking about it. He was a strong sounding board and offered a bit of comfort.

When the bottom dropped out on 12/7; it was this man I called to cry on his shoulder. I needed someone to chat express express express the bitterness I felt.

He listened.

I had a longstanding trip to Myrtle Beach scheduled for this past weekend. Given the funk I was in, I shuddered at the thought of going alone. My hometown friend announced that he would come too. He said he needed time away...we could hang out and have some fun.

And boy, did we! We shared the same interest in music, in films, in going shopping for the holidays, doing dumb things like going to the light show at my favorite place on earth: Brookgreen Gardens. We even drove down to Charleston SC and toured Fort Sumter.

Things have begun percolating -- I suppose it's nature "taking its course." But I'm afraid. Afraid to say I'm in love. Afraid to be in a relationship. Afraid to let go to see where this all leads.

But it feels so right. He treats me so well.

Returning the two hours from Charleston to Myrtle Beach, he had his wonderful hand wrapped around mine. It felt so good. So natural.

Today he has texted me a million times. I never tire from hearing from him. He said that he "lost it when I left to where you couldn't see....I really like you a lot....I just can't believe how wonderful you are."

And so this is where I am as I negotiate the cusp of a new year.