Sunday, September 05, 2010

Being Gay in a Sea of Straights

I am currently in the middle of my Labor Day Weekend -- my very quiet Labor Day Weekend -- a time of reflecting on the past, the present and the future.

I am being honest here. This is being written from the deepest parts of me.

Leading up to this weekend has been a full week. I've heard from my friend Doug a number of times. I had some quality time with the "Sex God". Andy has called and written me messages. I've even gotten messages from "K."

I knew that the memorial service for pastor that was murdered would be happening this morning (Sunday). (See my entry from August 30.) So I thought it would be good for me to go and to touch bases with the widow and his remaining son. (His eldest son is the one who killed him....so very tragic.)

I tried to get one of the men currently in my world to go with me. They each had a thousand reasons for not going. So I took that as an indication that maybe God wanted me to go alone....for some unknown reason. I did...and when I got to that place...which was over an hour away from where I live, I was confronted with the stark reality of just how much my life has changed. AND...in typical fashion, I began to seriously question if my life, in the face of all the leaps forward I thought I had taken, is really in fact, better.

I watched all the folks at the service. They were each wrapped up in their grief....and they truly glorified and deified the pastor. I knew him many years ago...and found him to be gentle and loving....but highly aloof. I worked around it all because I felt as if he were dealing with his own demons...whatever they were.

I also barely knew the son that murdered him. He was totally out of the regular social whirl of the family and spent the majority of his existence during the time of their pastorate at my church, living away from the family. He was rarely mentioned...and it seemed as though there was an aura of mystery surrounding him.

AND...the subject seemed closed for discussion.

I never pried.

So, I remembered all that as I watched the youngest son -- Paul-- the one that my girls had had a crush on -- the one that suffers from Type I diabetes -- take center stage as the leader of this congregation. He spoke eloquently of his father....and he sang. Oh how this young man sang...I am sure his father would have been so very proud.

I looked around me...and the people here were not of my normal social sphere. They were the kind of people that people like me fear. They are the Bible thumpers.....the ones who say "The Bible say so..." I couldn't help but think....if they only knew that I am a gay man. That I was sitting in their midst. I would have been shunned.

As I continued to look....I noticed that there were some very attractive men there. Generally, each was accompanied by women who did not seem to match their calibre. The women were generally of the hefty size....people that I would find quite unattractive. (Not just because I am not attracted to women in the first place....but I dare say that these women would not be found on the cover of any magazines....)

And so I sat there....

Remembering how I sat in numerous congregations such as this having these same similar thoughts....for many, many years.

My wall was firmly in place.

It was a dose of my former reality....and I felt as thought I were going to explode. In fact, this experience played out on my stomach. It ached....and I felt under stress.

After a few moments, I composed myself....and got into the service. Occasionally I would make eye contact with one of the men in the congregation. It was that knowing look.... It's all in the eyes....how they lock in on you....and you just know.

I was not alone.

Yet, they would never confess what happened. No one would ever know what thoughts crossed their minds then in a fleeting way.

Following the service, I made my way down front to view the displays of photographs...some old...some very recent. I remembered this pastor fondly. I saw his wife....and she saw me....and came rushing to me. She remembered me....and let me know how much my presence meant to her. "Take care of Paul...." she said. "Go let him know that you are here."

I walked over to him....and he was delighted to see me. This beautiful, young 29 year old man through himself at me. We embraced for a good little while.....as I told him that I would be here for him if he needed me.

He gave me a piece of paper that gave directions to a reception following church....at another church north of where we were. He wanted me to come there because of his mom and because of him.

I agreed....and soon found myself in a full social situation with these people.

The people who must not know that I am gay.

So I chit chatted....and talked....and heard their world views....as small minded as they seemed. I learned that the congregation has decided that Paul was going to become their new pastor. He is 29 years old...and has never darkened the door of a seminary. But then, that's how it's done there....in my former life. He came to me twice during the reception to again say how much my presence meant to his family. And to him. I gave him my card with all my contact information. I told him that if he needed anywhere to relax....to see a movie...or share a meal....give me a shout.

I meant every word of it. His best friend is now gone. He's a little boy lost.

It was then time to return to my home.

My visit to my other life was concluded....and I headed home.

Emotionally drained.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your comment about the women of the hefty variety caught my attention. I was married to a gay man for 19 years and became "hefty" during those years. In retrospect, being overweight gave me a sense of emotional protection. I could say to myself that my husband wasn't interested in me because I was overweight. That way I didn't have to face the fact that he wasn't interested in me - the real inside me. I've known that he was gay for four years now and have been divorced for 3 and a half years, and am happy to report I am normal size again. I am sad for those women you saw at the memorial service. :(

Frank said...

Anonymous:

Please know that I am not trying to disparage any lady and her weight. It was just an observation that I made at the memorial service. There were all these stunningly attractive men...who were quite well built. Muscular...massive chests....powerful looking arms, etc.....and in contrast...their wives were not in as good a shape. I would not have put those couples together in any way. BUT...I must say, the men set my gaydar off....and it could be wrong.

Just an observation.

I am very glad that you found out that the emotional detachment you felt from your husband did not have anything to do with you. One day I explained to Lovey (my exwife) that she was a beautiful, attractive, wonderful woman....but my wiring would not allow me to fully appreciate beautiful, attractive, wonderful women.

I am so sorry that she and you, internalized so much.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad about your observations. You are probably 100% right. I trust your gaydar and I understand why those ladies might be overweight also.

Anyway, it's all good now. I certainly understand myself and my needs so much better these days and hope I will never again turn to food to cover for deeper issues in my life. Today I'm thankful that my ex eventually came out - in effect freeing me from a very unhappy marriage. I was a "marriage forever at any cost" kind of person previous to his disclosure which I now think is utter nonsense. I like to say that the first ten years and the last three months of our marriage were his fault (he knew he was gay and that he didn't love me when he married me, and he snuck around and had affairs the last three months) and that the last ten years of our marriage were my fault (I was very lonely and unhappy and didn't do anything about it).

I enjoy reading your blog, Frank. I think you are a good person and you will eventually find the right person to share the rest of your life with. I really hope you don't settle for another man who is still involved in a marriage. You don't need that kind of drama - and you shouldn't have to share. Too bad you don't live in the midwest. My ex and you would probably get along pretty well. lol

Frank said...

Anonymous:

It is very possible that your ex husband married you because he loved you. However, he may have not loved you in the way that men generally love women...or better described as "he loved you...perhaps he wasn't 'in love' with you".

In my case...I really and honestly loved my wife. I also was a "marriage is forever at any cost" kind of guy. I was willing to sacrifice my very being...and worked awfully hard to compensate for my shortcomings.

In the end, I just never have figured out what happened to her. It was like one day she became an alien being from another planet. Everything I knew about her had changed - drastically. Now, she has apologized for some of her behaviors.... like outing me to the world to make it appear that she had just learned of it....when she knew for the 24.5 years of our 25.5 year marriage! My children and certain friends fear that she is trying to come back...because she has found that life is not as bright for her as she thought it would be.

Isn't it telling that my own children say they will divorce me if I ever consider going back to her? I tell them that this is a dead issue...and that I am not going to reconcile with her.

Lots could be written here....but I have done so in my 4.5 years of keeping this blog. I'm not sure how long you have been reading...but it is definitely unvarnished and not written to try and make me look good at her expense. It's just a written record of what has happened. Definitely not pretty in places.

Your ex's being gay is not anyone's "fault" especially yours. I only know that there was undue pressure put on me by society....and my church....to get married to "straighten myself out." My pastor told me that all I needed to do was to get into bed with a "hot woman" and that would "straighten me out." He said that my sexual development had stalled out and that doing it with a woman would jump start me again. (But the only Godly way to do this would be to get married.)

And I listened.

HOGWASH....so much pain and suffering because of this. I meant well.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog from the beginning. You have helped me to forgive my ex by writing from your heart. It has helped me to understand the gay marriage issue from the gay male perspective.

My ex and I are Catholic. No pastor every suggested he marry but I think it was a common idea 20-25 years ago that being gay might go away if you married. My ex didn't set out to hurt me in the beginning. He liked me a lot as a friend and thought love would grow during our marriage - like it might in an arranged marriage. (By the way, I am not surmising that he didn't love me - he told me this out-right, and it was not said in anger, so I feel it was true.)

I can say this, my ex was a real creep for about a year around the time he came out. He's fine again now, but I know what you mean about thinking your wife was a total stranger - I felt this way about my ex as well. Here's what I think about that....some people know they want to end a marriage, but don't know how to do so with any sort of class. They have to make the other person seem evil to others - and even to themselves - in order to justify their behavior. I think this is why your wife and my ex were so awful to us for a while. Your ex outed you, my ex tried to make it seem like it was my fault for him losing interest in the marriage. He said rotten and untrue things about me in his blog (which has since been removed).

You know what Frank - he's apologized and I've forgiven him. Our marriage produced three of the finest children on this earth and I'll always be thankful for that. I'll never be able to think about the 19 years we were married without thinking that it is a very sad story. But now that I've gained a few years of perspective, I see the sad parts of my life are just a few chapters long.

About a year ago, I met the most wonderful straight man. I love him and he adores me. We have such an amazing connection. The only area of my life in which I continue to struggle is feeling that I am unlovable. I've had counselling about this - I think it's just left-over baggage from being married so long to someone who didn't love me - and me at the time not really understanding why. My boyfriend constantly reassures me of his love - which is a beautiful thing.

I continue to heal as I'm sure you do as well. We're due for some happy chapters in our life stories, aren't we? I think I'm living happy chapters right now, and yours are but a page turn away!

Frank said...

Anonymous: Your story is amazing. Perhaps you should chronicle it in your own blog. I am sure a lot of straight spouses would find it a useful tool as they negotiate their journey through the minefield of having a gay spouse.

I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much. It sounds like your ex had many demons....not just the gay one. Please never question the fact that you are a lovable person. We all are to some degree. My guess is that you need to look deep inside your heart....and realize that your husband's being gay had nothing to do with you. You were collateral damage. You are blessed to now have someone in your life that loves you.

For me, I hope you are right and that I am just a page-turn away from finding someone that will love me.

**sigh**