Each day brings me one day closer to the big event: Dad's memorial service.
I am having a hard time dealing with all this. The odd thing about it is that I was a whole lot closer to my mother growing up and during my adulthood....but these last 8 months have certainly drawn Dad and me very close...almost inseparable. With all that said, I found dealing with mother's death in some ways a lot easier than this one.
I don't know how to explain this. Perhaps it's the fact that I was with Dad 24/7 for 8 full months. I saw his good days...and his bad days....I was fiercely protective of him. I wanted him to know how much he was loved....and that he was safe. I believe I succeeded in that. At times I wonder if Mom knew how much I cared for her too.
She knew everything there was to know about me...including the gay thing. But...we had both agreed to not tell Dad about it. He had suffered so many "mini-strokes" and stayed in such a rattled state....it probably would have caused him some unneeded angst.
Although it felt as though my world had ended in October when Mom passed.....I immediately switched from her death....to immediate caregiver for Dad.
I think I didn't have appropriate time to grieve.
So, now I'm playing catchup.
The silliest things do it.
Driving down the road......and seeing a place that Dad and I visited in DC not long ago. Hearing music he loved. Looking at the video footage I am putting in the multimedia memorail for his service. Remembering the old days and how I wish that my mom and dad were still around.
Being an only child sucks.
Being an only gay child sucks even more....
Being a single and an only gay child sucks the most....
And not in a good way.
Why do I have to walk this season of my life alone? Oh I have three wonderful grown children that I am very close too. I have tons of friends. But why am I alone in this world without a companion.....without a special man.
I honestly think this is how it is going to be.....
ALONE.
4 comments:
My prayers are with you. It has been a difficult year for you. Someone once said of death: "I wish I could take away the pain,but the pain is proportional to the love. The greater the love, the greater the pain." Nevis
Buck up, Frank, it will be better. It will take a while to grieve and then you can take care of yourself and find Mr. Right.
Frank,
Just ran across your blog. Tough hearing about your father. I noticed that you have not posted since long before the service. I hope you get back to it and take care of yourself.
I've been through it, and I wish I could tell you it gets easier. My father died in 1992...I still miss him, especially when I am having tough times and need some strength. I have to rely on others for that strength now. I think you can too.
Good luck. Hope to hear from you soon.
Frank, I just ran across your blog by following a series of links from one blog to another. Your situation got my eye and when I read your words, I just had to take a moment and write to you.
I'm sorry about the death of your parents. It is such an unthinkable thing that we are never ready for it though often we know its coming for some time.
My mother died a horrible death from cancer at a young age. I was 21 years old. My youngest brother was 11. We were very close and loosing her was not easy but she had been in such pain at the last, it was something I prayed for.
My father died 14 years later in the same horrible manner. By the time my Dad was at the end of his life, I was in the medical profession myself and I instructed his Doctor that my Dad was to be given as much morphine as it took to keep him out of pain. The Doctor and I both understood what I was telling him.
I had never been as close to my Dad as I had been to my Mom. We had been a close knit and loving family, but Dad had always considered it his duty to prepare us for the hard world outside the family and to do that he had often been hard on us. I didn't appreciate it as a boy. Now, I love him and understand that both he and Mom are responsible for everything I've accomplished in my life.
But I was closer to Mom. That was just the fact. For a long time after Dad's death I couldn't understand why it had affected me and grieved me so much more than my Mom's death. I hadn't been wanted to, of course, but I had accepted my Mom's death. I never shed a tear when she died. I had shed all the tears 5 years before when her cancer was diagnosed. By the time she died I could only be happy she was beyond the pain.
With my Dad, there was no acceptance at all. It seemed impossible that this man that had always been there, had always been a formidable presence in my life could be gone.
I was the executor of his estate and for a while I thought that was what was affecting me and it did. Getting rid of Dad's stuff, closing out the business of his life was difficult but that was not all that was bothering me.
It took a long time for me to understand it, but it finally dawned on me why Dad's death was the hardest for me. Even though I was a grown man with kids of my own by the time Dad died, his death made me an orphan. For the first time in my life there was no security backup for me. I was on my own. I couldn't even ask Dad's advise much less seek is help.
Dad has been gone almost 30 years now. All his brothers and sisters are gone now too. I still have trouble accepting it. I don't guess I ever truly will. I find myself wishing that Dad could see that his hard hand with us paid off. We are all successful and happy in life. He prepared us well for the challenges in life and we met them.
You regret that you are having to make this part of your life's journey alone. I hope I can ease your mind on that issue. When my Dad died I had a loving wife and two great kids. I had a loving extended family, but the loss of your parents is something you always, in reality, have to face alone. Even though others may be around, facing this great turning point in one's life is very much a solitary thing.
My father always said, life is not fair. A few months ago my son lost his wife suddenly and unexpectedly living him with two small children to raise.
It is almost unbearable for him. He struggles with the grief and the pain and just the loneliness. But he's a fighter. He's a survivor. I raised him to be that way because I had come to respect and be thankful for the way my father raised me.
You'll never really get over the death of your Father. You simply have to just let yourself grieve and then get back to living. Take comfort in the fact that he understands your homosexuality now. You won't forget him, but you will move on with time.
Jack Scott
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