My parents' home has been totally and continues to be renovated. It's looking great. My new tenant moves in July 1st. Who would have ever believed that I would become a landlord to someone! But I will become that in July...which will mean that my house will cease being the money pit it has been. Yay!
Once this is completed, I can begin to focus on me a bit more. As you, who have followed this blog may remember, I have had quite a ride in the last few years. It's kind of hard or at least counterintuitive to me to even think of myself or my needs. I'm always used to taking care of everyone else. Making sure they are comfortable.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I have been in caregiver mode for my now former wife....my children....then my parents. As with everything in life, things change...and here I am with a divorce under my belt -- and you all know how bad that was; my kids are all grown and building lives of their own; and, my parents are both now deceased.
Many have counseled me to take care of myself. To be kind to myself. To be gentle with myself. I am trying to heed their advice. It's just kind of hard to figure out what this actually means.
So I move slowly. I begin to look at various and sundry offers and wonder...do I really want to do that? or do I want to purchase that? or take the ultimate "What's in this for me?" approach.
It all seems so selfish....so self-centered. But gosh..here I am.
I have also pondered the gay thing. It seems like it may be percolating but on the back burner. I have way more other things to worry about. I mean, in the next few weeks I will become an official grandfather. Can you believe that?
But here I am! I am truly sad that my parents have just missed their first great grand baby. It is unreal.
Had an interesting time here while I have moved a few pieces of furniture from the house here into storage. For so long, I felt as though I had no friends...or that I didn't make friends very easy. I think in one of my very early posts here, I told you that one day I woke up and realized I had no friends...and that I had to actively pursue this. (I perceived that all my friends had sided with Lovey.)
Here so many years later...the shyness I thought I had has vanished! My Facebook page continues to gather friends.... As of this writing I have over 730 friends there! No, I am not a Facebook whore....just to get my numbers up. But these are all people that I know...and genuinely have in my life as friends.
It is very amazing to me.
When I meet people, I seem to click with them and they with me. I am still somewhat shocked that they want to spend time with me. or that they like me..... Truly like me.
On this trip, I have gotten to be really close with the contractor who is doing my renovations at the house. He is totally straight...but there is a bond between him and I that I can't really explain. We've spent much time together. He helped me by hauling the stuff to the storage locker. I made mention of my family reunion that I was going to yesterday. He said he wanted to go too! He loves doing stuff like that...and since he likes me he wants to see my world. So he made arrangements with his girlfriend to go hangout with Frank for the day.
On the way home, he kept telling me how much he enjoyed spending time with me.
Who knew?
I am at least 13 years older than him!
So the big mystery of life that I have learned is that the key to relationships is to be authentically you. Don't try and be something you're not. Just be yourself. In my case it means to relax....allow my wacky sense of humor to shine through....let others see my compassion.....my love....my gentleness..my sensitivity shine through. I have also learned that if they see glimmers of the gay shining through.....well...so be it.
I have wasted so much time and energy trying to appear straight.....to hide the gay part....to pray the gay away. During that time I truly must have appeared to be some sort of weirdo... Probably very stiff and distant. Gosh as I think about this now...I wouldn't have wanted to be around me then either.
So, it's almost 8 am. I'm still in bed. I have several things to do here in WV before I hit the road home to Alexandria.
I must be doing some better because I totally forgot the 5th anniversary of when my divorce became final, at the end of May. In a few more days we will sail past the 7th anniversary of the separation. Will probably miss that one too.
So I am alive and well. I'm pretty happy as I navigate my "new normal" life.
Can you believe this?
It has been a long journey....and a long time since I have been able to say that I am happy....and content.
The time is approaching for me to turn the page and begin the next chapter of my life.
I hope you will continue to be a part of this!
hen.
1 comment:
Good for you, Frank! Sounds like things are working out really well for you.
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