And Finally....Closure

It's very early on Sunday morning. I'm very thankful that I don't have to go to work in the morning. I am planning a relatively slow-paced day...and doing some chores and paying the bills.

If you have read a lot of this blog, you know that a lot of my issues have centered around my ex-wife, Lovey. I've groaned and moaned. I've felt anger....I've felt hostility....I've felt betrayal......I've felt bitterness....I've even felt a sprig of hatred towards her -- all for some very basic issues.

* Her outting of me when it wasn't necessary to her attorney at the end of the divorce process.
* Her outting me to everyone she could think of in order to make herself look good.
* Her accusations that I have turned my parents against her.
* Her using me to help her with her ordination submission and then not bothering to invite me to the festivities.
* Her greediness.
* Her downplaying of anything good that I brought to the marriage and to her.

Oh...I could list a lot more.

As this blog shows...it has been quite a journey. Lots of depressing things happening.....Lots of loneliness.....Lots of room to feel sorry for myself.

And I haven't been getting better from it. Some of this stuff has been festering for quite sometime.

I really don't feel the need to go into all the gory details. Suffice it all to say that I have expended way too much energy and time dwelling on this situation...and allowing old wounds to fester....and to ooze.... Sorry to say, when wounds like this and open and fester and ooze....they only increase the amount of pain suffered by the owner and actually serve no good purpose.

About three months ago, a dear friend of mine, who was a former lady minister, needed a place to stay....and I offered the spare room at the house I share with my daughter. While she was here, she and I got to talk a lot about the things in our lives that were holding us back for closer communion with God.

I spoke honestly and directly about Lovey and the many things that had been festering in my life....and she said, "Frank, you need to pray for grace for this individual."

"But I don't want grace for that individual."

"Frank," she said. "Pray it anyway and pray it repeatedly. Pray that God will give you the grace to let it go...and to get rid of the hatred and bitterness."

"But I don't want to let it go....I'm angry....and I'm bitter.....and it's all their fault.....and I want them to know it."

"Frank," she said again. "You really need to let God soften your heart. If you don't, you could miss the blessings waiting in store for you. You may miss out on the leading of the Spirit. Trust me, and pray for this individual every day...even when you don't feel like it."

So, that very night I began praying.

I've done so every night for the last three months.

My prayer went something like this: "God, you know how I am feeling about so and so. You know the hurt I have felt....the rejection I have experienced.....the emotional pain and suffering I have experienced. I ask right now that you will bless so and so. Please give them the grace they need to function. Bless them...and use them in your work. Help me to let my issues go. Help me to be a better believer that can be used for your service."

This week I realized how much those prayers were working. Out of the blue, Lovey called me. She was friendly.

Had she actually consented to that lobotomy I had often hoped she would have? Or had I merely forgotten the alimony check? Or had I done something wrong? Or was she calling to chew me out for something I neglected?

No...she said she was lonely in her church parsonage there in the midst of nowhere. (My daughter was out for the evening.)

We reminisced about the olden days.....I told her that I was having fun running my Facebook page.....and keeping in touch with all my friends. She paused and said, "Frank, would you like to be my friend on Facebook again?"

I paused and said, "No. Not if it is going to end like the last time. I am done with all that."

She was taken aback and I was amazed at how direct I spoke to her. No tears welled up in me as it had previously. I numbed to the pain of the separation and the divorce.

We continued our discussion.

A door opened and I marched through it. I told her that I had hoped we could forge a close friendship with all of our history. But that I seriously felt at times this was impossible....given her sudden outbursts. I finally asked...."While I have you hear...there is something I need to know. After all that we had been through as a couple, and all the stuff I did to help you realize your dream of ordination, why did you not see fit to invite me to your actual ordination? "

And this is how I addressed each issue that had been festering within me for so long--point by point....issue by issue.

She cried. I did not.

She tried to blame her attorney and everything else.

But I did not cry....I was matter of fact and probed deeper.

Finally, she almost cried UNCLE. She actually acknowledged that she was wrong and that even though the gay issue was something to be dealt with.....had she been paying attention, she would not have sought divorce. She said that she had been distracted with her studies and her quest for ordination. She was afraid of what people would think about her if they ever found out that she was married to a gay man.

She had regrets.

She wishes she had someone in her life to grow old with.

In the kindest way possible, I told her "Lovey, you had all that. I was willing to be that person. So, wherever you go or whatever you do, there is one thing I always want you to remember: yes I was as gay as a goose. It was not your fault.....it had nothing to do with you. It is how I am wired. But in spite of all that, I loved you. Oh, I may have not had sexual desire for you....but the love was very real and very deep. I dare say...that no matter who you may meet....you will never find another man that loves you more than what I did."

It felt so good to let all those feelings out....and to say them clearly.....without sobs....without tears....but in just a matter of fact way.

Finally, I can say the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders. These thoughts needed to be expressed to the source of my pain. And I did that.

Today I feel as though God is beginning to do something in my life. I am expectant...and cannot wait to see it all fall into place.

I think I understand what a visiting preacher told me "in the spirit" last June a year ago. She said, "Frank, God wants you to know that He is creating a new life for you. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. If you knew all that was in store for you, honey, it would blow your mind! But, even though God is at work in your life to create something new....some of the old is determined to haunt your new life. This will hold you back."

I think I now understand what she meant. I am waiting and watching.

Finally, this significant chapter in my life is now closed.

I've Got To Do Something....

With all the things that have been swirling around and through my life over the last little while...I need a FUN vacation -- time just for me.

So I am trying to conjure up a trip. Maybe Myrtle Beach....or maybe Rehoboth Beach....or maybe Wildwood/Cape May.....or even Williamsburg and the Tidewater areas of VA!

My only problem is I am not wild about the prospect of going ALONE.

BUT, I will if I have to.

I need this.

I am edgy.

I am hyper.

I'm stressed.

Y'all...send some positive thoughts/prayers this direction.

I Must Be Clairvoyant!

All the stuff that I said about my son in my last post was on target.

Plain and simple.

He actually came home the morning of his scheduled flight to say that he had called the airline to find out the status of his flight. They said it was cancelled due to mechanical problems and that he would not be able to get out until the next day. He also had some 30 year old woman with him. (He is 24.)

This was AFTER I had spent 4 hours waiting for him -- 4 hours of leave that I could have held onto. Then he said that his flight left at 7:30 the next morning.

I was flabbergasted because I was being roped into driviing him to BWI (an hour away) so that he would be at the airport by 5:30-6:00. This meant that I had to be on the road at 4:30!

The sad part about all this is that when I got to my office on the original day he was supposed to leave, I looked up his flight....and it had left ontime.....and had arrived at its destination on time.

Did he think I was THAT stupid?

That evening I came home and blasted him. He got into his yelling mode....and I told him to shut up. I said that he was now an adult....and why did he feel it necessary to lie to me? "I didn't want you to yell at me for missing the flight!" he responded.

Still a kid.

It is all about him.

I told him that yes, I was angry that he felt he had to spin a yarn as he had in high school...when we are all adults. He's a marine for friggin sakes. He made me burn through leave that I am hoarding because I don't know what's going to happen with my parents.

He also lost the parking sticker that I gave him for the car he was driving during the time he was here. That's a $50 loss!

He always is wacky like this when he spends a lot of time with his mother and her family....and they put him down....

Like they all did this trip.

It angers me.

Frustrations of Being the Father to an Impulsive Son

My Marine Sargeant son is still a handful...even at 24. I am told by those who know about such things that boys are fully mature emotionally and mentally at about the age of 25. I certainly can't wait for that to happen. I've been awaiting this moment for many, many years now.

Our relationship has always ebbed and flowed. We adopted him in 1991 when he was five years old. He already had faced a lifetime of trauma and rejection by then, including something that manifested itself as psychosocial dwarfism. This is what happens when a child misses all of the milestones in early development because of psychological trauma. Because of these issues, the growth shuts down and the child becomes stunted physically.

In our case, we got him in the nick of time. And at that moment.....on the growth charts, he went through a spurt. He virtually caught up over the course of his first year.

Emotionally it has been an uphill battle. Sometimes are good....sometimes are bad. When I came out to him at the age of 16 or so, it was bad. VERY bad....and that was thanks to Lovey -- the victim. She always knew what was best about my issue. But it has exacted a toll....a heavy one that I hope he can outgrow!

So, when he comes for a visit, I never know what to expect. Except that if he has a lot of dealings with Lovey and/or her family, he really behaves erratically.

Sorry to say, this trip has been Lovey-centered....and I am forced to face the fallout. He has spent an inordinate time with his friends here...staying out at all hours....and not communicating what is happening. Last night, I was disappointed that he would not be spending the last few hours in town were not with me. But, I knew this would happen.

He wants me to drive him to BWI Airport this morning to catch is 12:15 flight, but it will probably end up badly. He will probably have one of his friends drive him....and I will have taken time off for nothing.

But I'm doing what I feel dads must do.....you make sure you're available.

Just in case.

Second Banana Syndrome

I have a case of the blues this morning. It's not helping for this to be such a gloomy and rainy looking day.

Not sure where all this came from.

It's probably from the fact that I had another one of those "Frank" moments on Monday. I spent time with a good friend who lives about 100 miles from me. He's going through a divorce. He's quite younger than me. Then he told me all about his hookups...and how he just can't get enough.

I could relate...

It's called "gay adolescence."

He's going through the exciting period of coming out and discovering himself...and the world of male sex.

He has also met "the love of his life."

That's all he talked about.

His "love" was at work....is 29...about 14 years younger. He kept texting him back and forth. "Wonder if he is thinking of me..." he said incessantly.

Ah...new love.

It's exhillarating.....it makes your heart beat faster.....It's wondrous....

It has been a very long time since Frank has felt this way with someone who felt that way back and it is all catching up with me.

Monday night I met up with a "crush". He wanted to have dinner with me before he left on vacation for Florida. He's the guy that kissed me at gay pride...full on the mouth....in front of his wife....told me that he wanted to spend more time with me.....blah...blah.

We met for dinner...with his wife! She wants to get to know me better. He's making plans for me to see his new house upon their return on August 1. But we go through many periods of non communicating.....he reads my FACEBOOK page....he knows the distance between my house and his new one.....he likes my pictures.....they asked me tons of questions....etc.

But I am beginning to feel that "second banana syndrome." I feel like the perpetual best friend....always the bridesmaid never a bride.

What am I doing wrong?

What a Weekend!

Well, the weekend is all over. It was filled with quite a lot of stuff... I had all three kids at home with me.. On Saturday morning they did their long lost tradition of waking me up on Saturday morning and climbing into my quee sized bed. There we planned the rest of the day....and simply had a blast.

The girls cooked a splendid breakfast. They actually spoiled the old guy here. Then we all loaded up and headed to shop at Target. Lovey joined us...and I kept a respectful distance, but y'all will be pleased to know that I was very kind and pleasant to her.

From there we headed home for a brief nap...and then headed out to where the birthday celebration was to be. It was interesting to be a part of this family gathering and to watch the drama unfold. Lovey and her sisters staid true-to-form by being in control of everything and driving folks crazy in the process. One of Lovey's sisters is viewed as simply crazy. She drinks...pops pills....and wrecks cars. On top of this, her husband (who I suspect is part of my family), has supposedly hit her on occasion out of frustration.

This is the gossip...

But I'm not sure of the truth.

Drunk sister purchased her mother an Apple NANO....and a SONY boombox for it to play in. The only problem is that Grandma has no computer or an ITunes account to manage the content. So all this fancy stuff is just a waste...and Grandma didn't need or want it. Drunk sister overruled her family and bought it for her anyway.

This is keeping with the fine O'Lovey tradition of when buy presents for people....do get what they want....but always get what you want them to have. I always hated that.

Sunday morning we all went to Grandma's church....and it was stressful for me. It was filled with all those church people I have posted about. The ones that view me as one step below a dung beetles feast. But they honored Lovey...and the fact that she was blessing them with her presence.

We then spent some of the afternoon at Grandma's...and then I had to take one of my daughters to Baltimore to catch her flight back home to Nashville.

It was amazing at all the comments and digs that I heard while sitting as a guest. I'm sure it all troubles Grandma...but what can we do? It's clear that there is serious dysfunction in the family....but as I have said...I always try to put the FUN in dysFUNctional living!

Fabulous Friday

So here I am sitting at my desk at the office. It has been quite hard to get me motivated to do anything today. I'm suffering from the want of going home....and starting my weekend...and what a wonderful weekend it is going to be.

Tomorrow is Mom O'lovey's birthday celebration. She is going to be celebrating her big 80! She contacted me a number of weeks ago and said that no matter what I was doing, she wanted me there to be with her on her big day! Since she and I have forged a wonderful friendship through the years, and the fact that she does feel like my mom in some respects, how can I refuse.

All my children will be present...as will all of Lovey's illustrious sisters and their husbands save one.

So, since I appear to be dwelling in my happy place these days....it is going to be interesting for me to be with all of them....and allowing all of them to see the inner peace and contentment I have. I can use this celebration as a time of reflecting and silently giving thanks for the blessings I have been permitted to have in my life: my kids....all the temporal things I have.....I survived the divorce and landed somewhat on my feet.......and I have tons of friends....plus I have these men friends who appear to be gaining some momentum in my life as relationship potential.

On top of all this...it will be interesting to observe the interactions between all of the O'Lovey's...with each other and with me. Another sign that I am cruising in brand new good territory is the fact that while there have been times where I've been afraid that the gay thing will become a topic of conversation at one of these family gathering, this time I feel that if they have they nerve to ask or bring it up...then I have the nerve to tell and discuss!

This is a big change for me!

I kind of don't care anymore.

I'm gay.

All the main people that I care about all know and the world did not stop revolving. Western Civilization did not end as we know it. God is still on his throne. The sun still rises and sets.

And I'm here.

All these last few lines of text are of huge importance.....and it has taken over five years to get to this place.

WOW! THIS IS BIG NEWS!

The Adventure Continues

Church folks -- you just have to love 'em.

Y'all know that my church life has been very important to me. It always has really and because Lovey was a minister, well, it kind of catapulted me into a totally different realm of "churchiness."

Right now I am enjoying my church life. I am a member of a wonderful church that accepts me for who I am. I don't have to worry about hiding my gayness from anyone. I am not sucked into anyone's game of who is more spiritual than whom. I am just me...and allowed to find my own way to God.

Well, if you are a long time reader here, you also know that during that dark period of my life when I was trying so desperately to regain my footing after the separation and during the divorce, Lovey pretty much trashed me at the large United Methodist Church we were both part of at the time she made her decision to leave me. We all know that it was bad enough on me that she chose to divorce me after so long....but the thing that almost did me in was that she almost gleefully outted me to everyone who would listen -- couching it in a way to make it seem that she was somehow the victim....and just learned of it....and that I had made her life hell....blah....blah....blah... The only problem with any of that is that she had known for 24 of our 25 years....and that I had not made her life hell. In fact, if I were to review things, it was quite the opposite.

But all this is old stuff...not worth rehashing here. (If you're curious...you can go back and re-read some of those sad....forlorn......awful entries I wrote at the time which are still available for reading.)

What is worth writing now about is the fact that my daughter and I ran into two folks from that church last evening at the grocery store. Now, I have seen these two folks out and about in the neighborhood where I live on many occasions. I have always been pleasant and friendly.

Some background:

They are a married couple. She was also on staff at one time at our church. Her husband is some big muckity muck in the church...and I never really paid much attention to them. I respected them for their many contributions, but wasn't too close to them. Our paths just didn't cross very often. The church is humongous.

However, when the long term pastor departed several years ago and the new pastor arrived, they didn't get off on the right foot with him. He didn't do things the same way as the previous man had done them. He also didn't permit them to have the unbridled power they had too. He curtailed a few little things and they got mad.....sowed some discord along the way....and in a dramatic fit....left the church. I thought it was silly....and the respect I had for them began to dwindle.

Somehow, Lovey got very close to them....surprise surprise! Additionally, whenever they see one of my children, they fawn over them...and become syrupy sweet. It is all quite sickening to be quite honest.

But I try to keep a sweet spirit about me....am always pleasant to them.

They have gotten fairly established on Facebook. They are friends with Lovey and all the kids. So I decided to "friend" them just for fun....to see if they would respond. I've done this three times...and they always ignore my requests! In fact, I was at her graduation from Seminary by chance and took some pictures of her (she posed for them.) Through Facebook I have tried to get an address to send them electronically, but there is never a response.

So last night when I saw them from afar in the grocery store, I detoured around them so that I wouldn't have to deal with them. I wasn't in the mood. But I heard that familiar and syrupy....."Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......How are youuuuuuuuuuu......" as she zeroed in on my daughter.

ICK!

The longer I thought about it, the more I thought how silly it was for me to ignore them.

So I marched right up to them!

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......hellooooooooooooooo.......Frankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"...in that sweet and syrupy tone. I could have thrown up.

I smiled and greeted them both. They both came up and actually hugged me too! I fully expected Rod Serling to come from the peanut butter aisle. This truly was the Twilight Zone.

Following all the sickeningly sweet and phony pleasantries, I said, "Oh...I still have your graduation pictures.....you've never responded to my queries."

"Oh....I guess I am burnt out from all THAAAAATTTTTT...." she said. "I have totally blocked thaaaaaattttt from my memoryyyyyyyyy. I don't want themmmmmmmmmmmmm."

THWAAACK....

Okay, I thought. This means I can save some hard disc space.

They then focused all their attention on my daughter. I stood by politely...as they continued their conversation all in sweetness and light. But, shortly I had had enough. I had some other items to pick up.

I smiled and said, "Well, I need to pick up some other items. See ya!"


"OHHHHHHHHHHHHH......it was soooooooooooooo nice seeeing youuuuuuuuuuuuu." She said. "Keeeeeeeeeepppppppp in touchhhhhhhh."

When hell freezes over I thought.

I waved....and then left my daughter in their presence.

Phonieness really gets to me.

Something's Changing in Frank

Just can't quite figure it all out, but something indeed is changing in me.

I went to my monthly Bible Study last night on the campus of Virginia Theological Seminary. It was a small group -- attendance at these types of events tend to fall off during the summer -- but it was still good to be with the men that were there. It added to the intimate atmosphere of the evening.

At one point, I was asked to provide some information about how I have been doing. It's the part of the evening labeled as "check in."

So I spoke briefly about things that have happened. My concerns about mom and dad and the fact that my dad's weaknesses and his fainting have yet to be explained. I spoke of my mother's remission being over and the looming battle that lies before us.

I spoke of how, since I was child -- an only one at that, how fearful I have been about the loss of my parents. As a child, it was a fear of being left an orphan. It's funny that here I am at the age of 52, I still have that fear. But the critical difference is that I have felt God nudge me several times to say that when that day ultimately happens, He will help to ultimately carry me through it. All I have to do is to lean on Him.

He has also gently reminded me that he has provided me with a network of good friends and three wonderful children.

I have also stopped being so fixated on having a special man in my life. God knows that I want someone. But I have grown tired of looking at every gay man as a potential lover. I get tired of the rejection...or the silence.

So I have begun to rest on the knowledge that God knows the desires of my heart....and it will come to pass.

In the midst of my parents' health problems.....and all my fears.....something has changed. I am beginning to feel a different sort of self-confidence brewing deep within me. Many good looking guys appear to be paying attention to me and seeking to spend some time with me. I have shared meals with them. They have hugged me goodnight. Still others have said they have spent a lot of time thinking about me and how they want to get together with me.

One man in particular who I thought didn't give a fig about me....called up out of the blue to say he missed me and wants me to meet him for lunch.

The self-confidence I am feeling....and the waning fear of my parents' mortality have changed my attitude. It is showing profusely.

It's even showing in this blog. Do you see any changes in me?

We went through quite a dead time when no one was reading. It was showing that no one was visiting.

But....yesterday was its busiest day. Readership is way up.

I am very encouraged all around and expecting great things.

Whoah Cowboy...!

I am afraid of doing something really stupid, like using a bazooka to kill a fly, when all that was needed is a fly swatter!

Oh, don't mind me. I always get this way and second guess my feelings and my approach to things when it comes to dealing with Lovey.

I heard from my military son yesterday. Lovey is funding his trip from Texas to here so that he can participate in his grandmother's 80th Birthday celebration this Saturday. Of course, this is her mother's birthday we're talking about....and this is another of those family gatherings that will be the source of much entertainment for days and weeks ahead. It always happens. Love and her sisters are into appearance and control. Grandma is too. So, imagine when the five of them are working to create the perfect social event of the century.

I think you get the picture.

My son was not interested in coming to this event in the first place. But Lovey is making him come. As a condition of her paying his way, he is flying into her area and spending two glorious nights with her. Then he is driving up here with her. He HAS to attend the birthday bash and he also HAS to attend church Sunday Morning with his mom, Grandma, and assorted others.

Poor guy. I know him....and this is going to be sheer torture.

Well, the spot where I am tempted at going nuclear is based on an email I received from Lovey this morning. Here's what it said:

"Frank - do you have room for the man to stay a couple of nights? I'm sure he will probably spend a few nights with his friends. I told him that I expected him at the party and at church on Sunday morning, July 18 (would you like to join us for church that morning also?)

Also, he will need a ride to BWI Airport on Thursday, July 22 for a 12:15 pm flight back to Texas. Are you able to help or help him make arrangements for this? (I realize you may not have the time to do this since you have your parents to care for more these days - could you perhaps help him out by getting him hooked up with the shuttle? I have to return home on Tuesday. I hope this is a good trip for him and not any inconvenience for you.

I'm glad you're coming to Mom's party. We will have an opportunity to get photos of our three and of each of us with them (and a couple of the five of us if you would like). Please bring your camera!

I need to get some sleep. Getting his plane ticked worked out so that it fit his schedule and my "budget" took a couple of hours, but I think he's glad to be coming.

I hope you are doing well.

Lovey"

Of course I will take care of my son as I always have! My daughter from Nashville is also going to be "home". So, this will be the first time in 5 years that I will have all my children under my roof at one time!! It is quite exciting for me.

Based on previous contact with Lovey I have seen innocent emails like this contain sub-text...and hidden meanings. It angers me. Given my track record with my kids over the past 26 years, why is it necessary to ask if a child of mine can stay at my place. Then, putting stipulations on his visit....well...I'm kind of frosted. The girls and I are not going to be at church on Sunday....we're headed to Six Flags in Maryland for the day! But now my poor son is locked into church.

I'm sure he loves that.

So based on these issues...and a lot of past history....my inclination is to explode....which will send her back to her therapist.....she would cry....and be the victim.

But, don't worry friends. I am going to soar above my feelings. I'm gonna be nice. I'm gonna enjoy my family....take tons of pictures of my 3 kids together...
Have a home cooked breakfast on Saturday morning at my table.

It just doesn't get much better than this!

Thoughts On Being Gay and Married

Frank was a busy boy this weekend. I had two dates: two honest to goodness dates with two separate and "available" men.

Friday night was a date with a very nice and gentle man that is two years younger than me. He works in the IT profession, has always been gay (no apologies), been involved with a few relationships and now he is looking for that special someone with that special spark.

Saturday night was a date with a very nice and attractive doctor who is in his late 50s. He is currently married and has been for over 30 years. The wife knows and is supportive of his finding that elusive closed loop relationship.

As I spent time with the good doctor, it was fascinating to me to hear how his past relationships with men have worked and how his wife has reacted to them.

It wasn't that long ago that I was married and looking for the same thing he is looking for with the blessing of my wife. After the divorce a number of straights told me how disingenious(?) that was and that I was wanting to "have my cake and eat it too!"

I used to hate hearing that said to me. I never felt there was any cake. It was just a way for me to survive. I wasn't out to intentionally deceive my wife....or set out to lie to her about who I was. It was just a tortured path of trying to gain insight and understanding into who I was.

The doctor and I had a long discussion. It seems like she has total control of him. If the man in her husband's life does not act or behave like she thinks he should, then he is aggressive and she isn't happy.

He had a three year releationship with such a man. His wife did not get along with the doctor's boyfriend or the boyfriend's wife because they didn't go along with some of her seemingly goofy ideas. She wanted details of her husband's and his boyfriend's romantic life. The boyfriend told her it was none of her business. The boyfriend kissed the doctor in front of her. She didn't like that and had something to say about it. The list goes on and on and on. I asked the doctor if he was affectionate with his wife in front of the boyfriend. He says no.

Why does it seem that marriage with a woman is about control?

For all the relationships he has had with men, I doubt if he has truly bee "IN LOVE" with one totally. I think he is too afraid to explore that. Oh he hurled the love word a lot in his discussion, but I just feel it wasn't the kind of love I am looking for.

While I had a reasonably good time with the doctor, his wife's control/involvement bothers me. It seems that if her husband becomes deeply involved with a man, she feels she has to keep everyone informed that SHE is the primary relationship with her man.

I've never met the woman....and at this point, I don't think that I do.

I am seeing this from a totally new perspective. I think my preference are for single gay men....whether divorced or single/never married.

I want someone that I can focus on without interference or bossiness......just as I can offer someone the same.

How much more complex can all this get?

A Glimmer

After I posted that last entry, I received an email message from the man in question. He apologized for his lack of communication. Apparently he has been dealing with the fallout from his family crisis. He wanted to assure me that I am his friend forever and that was special to him. He even said that he valued my honesty and friendship very much. He asked about my parents' medical condition.

Needless to say I do have a glimmer of hope that something may happen here. So, will keep the door definitely open.

Mom says that Dad has been doing much better. I'm not sure exactly what to attribute this to. But we will know more once the doctor contacts them to give the the results of the bloodwork and the MRI.

Still on the roller coaster...

Rejection

Ah...here we come again. A very familiar topic to those of you in Out of the Ashes land!

A gay middle aged man (GMAM#1) meets another gay middle aged man (GMAM#2). They appear to make a substantive connection. They schedule a time to meet again. After all, GMAM#2 says, he can't wait until the next time.

GMAM#1 receives a phone message the next day from GMAM#2. GMAM#2 has a family drama playing out and must attend to it. He is profusely sorry. Says that usually he is not filled with such drama. GMAM#1 texts him to say it's okay...another time. GMAM#2 asks if it is okay for him to call. GMAM#1 says sure.

GMAM#2 calls. Talks for a long while. "Can I call later?" he asks. "Sure" says GMAM#1. They hang up.

Late that night, GMAM#1 texts GMAM#2 to see if he is alright following the drama and receives a terse couple of texts in return, but yes he is okay.

From then on...silence.

I think you get the picture.

In situations like this, one has to ask himself, "What did I do wrong this time?"

This is such a routine event in my life, I have to laugh.

So what happened? I suspect that the other guy became afraid of new feelings.

This is not uncommon.

But to just suddenly go silent?

What happened to manners.

The Waiting Game

It’s Friday and this is my first day back in the office. It’s been quite a ride for these past few days…and yesterday I was in no mood to return. I did not sleep well in my own bed on my first night back. My mind was racing as I thought about my dad and how much he has lost ground since I last saw him in February.

It’s upsetting to see someone so full of life, shuffling…stoop-shouldered….nearly lifeless and gasping for air.

I’m still bothered by it all.

AND…in the back of my mind, I am remembering mother’s last series of chemotherapy. She was wiped out….but Dad was there for her. This time, if she goes through the same dose of chemo, Dad just is not able to care for her as he had been the last time. So, what am I gonna do?

Do I retire, sell my house, and move in with them?

Mom says, “It will all work out.”

But I am a planner. I need to have plan A, B & C ready with a host of contingencies if these all fail.

But I don’t….

Not in this case.

Yesterday Dad had a battery of blood work. They did the scan of his head to see if there is evidence of Cancer in his brain. Gosh I pray not.

So, today I am on pins and needles playing the waiting game.

I need to focus on my job now.

Gay & Stressed in Huntington, West Virginia

That picture is of my hometown, Huntington, West Virginia! I spent the last week there and it was quite a week. If you are the fan of Jamie Oliver, the Naked Chef, then you are already familiar with this city. It was designated as the least healthy city in the U.S. not long ago, and he produced a reality show there to encourage a change in the city's eating habits....especially among its children.

The city is also home to Marshall University. It's football team was wiped out in 1970 in a horrific airplane crash that was told in a recent motion picture, "WE ARE MARSHALL."

I was there because Mom recently had some scans to see how she is doing and to confirm that the lung cancer she has been in remission from is in remission. Well two weeks ago, we found out that it appears to have returned. As Mom learned this news, Dad collapsed and was rushed to the emergency room. They originally thought he was suffering a seizure...or a stroke....or even possibly a heart attack. After several hours and numerous tests, thankfully it was found to be a case of dehydration.

Last Friday a week ago, mom went in for a biopsy of her lung to determine what kind of cancer it was they had discovered. In the process they punctured her lung. It collapsed and she was hospitalized for a couple of days. Dad, who has been kind of rattled by all of his cancer treatments was left alone...and I scrambled to get someone there for him.....because no one bothered to tell me until long after the fact.

Last Monday, their beloved boxer, Charlie, was put down because of his cancer. He had tumors growing in his throat, ears, rectum and left rear leg. The cancer on his rear leg ruptured causing quite a mess. He was in bad shape and he was put down. This put mom and dad both in a grand funk.

Also on Monday, dad began his cyberknife treatment, which is a concentrated dose of radiation on the spot on his lung that was the most troublesome. We won't know until a couple of weeks from now if it was effective or not.

I spent the entire week with them last week....and only returned to my home in VA today. But, that was up in the air because, yesterday Dad fainted for no reason 3 times. One of those times he fell down the front stairs of their house and landed on the concrete sidewalk at the bottom. He was totally disoriented and couldn't remembered what happened.

Mother fears the cancer has gone to his brain. We called the doctor this morning who has ordered a battery of blood work for tomorrow. (Dad refused to go to the emergency room.) He also has an MRI scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully by the end of the day, we should know something more definitive.

So, I feel like the drama never ends.

On a more positive note, I investigated gay life in Huntington, WV a bit more. While there, I did not feel like the fish out of water I normally feel like. It seems that there is a sizeable community there....the majority of which are heavily closeted. Still it's a comfort to know that there are places I can go to just mingle with like minded souls. I even found a gay affirming church....with a gay pastor....and they have annual fundraisers at one of the three gay bars in town.

Imagine that.

I also found out that I have got to learn to relax my guard more....when I'm around other single gay men. At one of the bars, (and I am NOT a bar person), in walked a beautiful man that took my breath away. He came and sat right by me and began chatting with me. Over the course of the evening I learned quite a bit about him. He's an only child....former navy man....has three kids...is 6'3" tall and is just a hunk.

We went to dinner....and chatted a number of times.....and he was interested in doing more than just sharing a meal. But when I talked to him more closely, he was very adament that he was not looking for a relationship. AH....but in spite of that...I could detect that he had a very special quality that would not take much for me to totally fall for him. TOTALLY. He kept telling me what a "hot" man I was. (This coming from a first rate stud.....5 years younger than me. WHEW!) or did I know how really "hot" I was?

It showed me that I do have the potential to fall.....very HARD.....if I can just let myself go....and not be so afraid of getting hurt or rejected in the process.

I also made friends with other men...and women..... They want me to feel welcome to come by the church or the bars anytime I am in town. They made it clear that I am one of them.

Speak of affirmation and belonging...this was certainly a good experience...and helped rejuvenate me during the time of uncertainty surrounding my parents.

Finally, as I headed home, I decided to stop for dinner at a nice restuarant in Staunton, VA. While there, I happened to run into a younger guy that I know. He's gay and has just broken up with his bf. He bent my ear while I ate dinner. He then introduced me to others at the restaurant that he works with....and then he introduced me to other patrons who are "family."

I am exhausted from all this....but I am feeling better and better about myself as a gay man. I'm just working to build up a good support system of friends and others when I need them as I journey this path with my parents.

God, make me strong.

Stuff's Happening

It has been an awful weekend.

First, mom had her lung biopsy on Friday. When I had not heard anything from her by early evening, I tried calling her. Finally, I reached my dad who announced she was in the hospital because of her lung collapsing. I started talking to him and he was very disoriented....almost childlike.

This is my dad we're talking about....and he couldn't tell me where mom was....her room number or telephone number. He could not find the piece of paper with that critical information.

I remained calm. After I hung up, I began calling folks that I knew. A lot of them were not home. Finally I caught up with myt cousin who lives about a half-hour east of my parents. She said that she would zip to the hospital on Saturday morning first thing. Then I called my daughter in Nashville...and she said she would drive up there. BLESS HER!

i was booked solid for this weekend with a long scheduled photo shoot. I couldn't go anywhere. I made it through those responsibilities in a daze....and then I had to work today at the office. I plan to leave for WV on Wednesday morning--EARLY.

On top of all this....mom and dad's beloved dog had to be put down today. He was suffering from cancer.

Right now it seems like everything and everyone in my life is battling this horrid disease.

I feel like the walls of my life are closing in on me.

Some Really Unsettling News

It is so odd, but in my little life it seems that whenever I think things are beginning to even out and finally I am able to focus on making some serious decisions about my life, WHAM...something else happens and it consumes a lot of my energy.

This time on Saturday morning I learned that my mom's cancer has returned. Then almost as an afterthought, she told me that my dad collapsed in the doctor's office just as she was going to see her doctor at his office. At first they thought he was suffering from a stroke or heart attack. After spending several hours in the waiting room, they determined that dad was suffering from dehydration. This is not a good thing for a man who is 77.

It really bothers me big time to see my parents age. I am also concerned by their poor health and to see what smoking has done to them. Two older people who should really be enjoying life have now been robbed of the good things because of their incessant smoking....that they have done over 60 years. It irks me. It makes me very angry.

Even now they continue to smoke....like chimneys. The smoke only keeps their lungs in a state of irritation which stimulates the cancer development.

I told mom that she and dad needed to think about moving in here with me. They are very defensive about that. They fear their independence will be lost.

And I understand.

But it wouldn't. They would still have their car.....and be able to shop and do whatever they wanted to do. The only catch is that I would be in the vicinity and be able to watch over them and to take care of them.

So who knows how all this is going to work out. Mother says that we should not begin to worry about things until we get the results back of the needle bipsy that is scheduled for Friday. The results should be back by next week.

It's a waiting game.

On a different topic....

June 20 came and went with barely a thought by me. For those of you who don't remember, June 20, 2006 was the date I feared with all my heart. It was the date that Lovey moved out of our house. I remember feeling devestated. It all seems so silly now.

But that is how I felt then.

My world was ending.

But in all actuality, my life was actually just beginning.

Here I sit....still here....and relatively happy.....except for the concerns for my folks. Life is pretty good.

I just need to remain positive and thinking about and counting all of the blessings I have experienced.

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

The Visitors

My daughter has been playing hostess to three Peace Corps volunteers this week. It has been so interesting to have the chatter and all the laughter flooding my house in the middle of the night.

Last night when I came in, exhausted from a very long day, I was greatly disturbed to find that my guest toilet was clogged. I have never seen a toilet so clogged.

I spent a lot of time snaking....and plunging......and using a wire coat hanger. All to no avail.

So, because of all the guests, I called the plumber.

After three and a half hours and $300, all systems are moving and the water is once again flowing freely.

The plumber, a bear of a young man, was very entertaining. He stayed at my house just alking for 3.5 hours. (It only took him about 20 minutes to remove the clog, which turned out to be a wad of papertowels.....six of them to be exact.

We learned all about how he became a plumber.....how plumbing works......how hot water tanks works......water treatment plants work.....etc.

It turns out that he is 34 years old, married, and has a 3 year old daughter and a 7 year old son plus two English Mastifs.

I really did enjoy him.

He was so personable....and kind....with a real gentleness. But I noticed that when he talked to me....there was "that" look. The one that pierces your very soul and drives deep into the bone. I watched as he talked with Jessica. He wasn't that way with her. Oh my goodness.

It turns out that he not only works for a firm that I found in the Yellow Pages, but he also does private contacting on the side. I told him about some other problems that we have, and he is willing to help us out....on a Friday or a Saturday when not working for the other firm.

So, he would certainly be a great person to get to know. Who knows, perhaps he may be family?

Time will tell.

After all we are everywhere!

God knows...

I'm tired. I have a broken small toe on my right foot. The foot is totally swollen...and the toe is the right color.....the ones next to it have now inherited the bruising. So, being a diabetic, I am watching this very carefully to make sure there are no big problems that could develop.

This afternoon after work was a good one. I got to spend good quality time with a kind and loving friend who helped me to feel like I mattered. I really needed that today.

You know who you are...

It offered some comfort....and a sense of completeness that I needed. He knew it...and he knew just what to do.

My love life is still kind of in limbo. I've met a number of gentlemen who are potential bfs.... They are all so busy. It makes me feel kind of odd in that these men are so wrapped up with their lives....and their friends....that, in one's words, "I don't have time for romance."

Frustrating at best.

At Pride on Sunday, I met up with someone that I have just gotten to know during the past few months. His situation is that he has been married for a very long time. His wife knows and is supportive. In fact she went to the PRIDE festival with him. So, it was my first time to meet her. The man sets my heart aflutter....and it scares me a bit. I don't know how to read his signals. So, I'm not sure what to think. At Pride he apologized for not spending more time with me....he has had some physical limitations due to surgery earlier this week on a bum knee. But he had to leave....because he was tired. When I hugged him goodbye....he kissed me in front of his wife!

That, coupled with some other comments, has led me to wonder if he is feeling something. He has explained that his wife is wanting him to find someone and to "be happy."

So who knows? I go through very long periods of time where I don't hear from him....and then I get signals like this.

Old Frank is learning to be content in his life...and with himself. It is a very slow process. I feel the pressure a bit because of the fact that I am not getting any younger. God knows I'd like to have someone that I can have some quality time with before I get so old and decrepit that I can't enjoy him.

But, the comforting thing to me is that yes, God knows!

Birthdays

My twin daughters turned 26 today. They are now the exact same age that I was when they came into my life.

It is truly mind-boggling. It's as if I have turned around and the time is gone. My life has changed completely...and will never, ever be the same.

I have had a very busy day. I'm exhausted.... We had a lowkey celebration for my eldest daughter here with her grandma and great aunt. Her sister celebrated with 25 of her closest friends down in Nashville.

I am now exhausted....

When I get this way, I get a little down. I think it is more physical than emotional. But still, when I feel this way....I begin pondering my life....and a twinge of loneliness sets in. It's hard to describe. But it is there...nonetheless.

It's a rainy night here in DC...and I'm ready for bed.

Just wish I had someone to hold and be held by.

A Funny Story From Pride

My VERY hetero friend Greg is a photographer. He's teaching me about various techniques for taking lots of good pictures. He's helped me a lot.

Well, I told him a few weeks ago about PRIDE and I asked him if he would like to go too...and shoot some pictures. He thought about it and agreed to go.

So we went both to the parade....and the festival today. He's such a good sport....and he is certainly a straight ally.

But for all his open mindedness....there are some things that happened today that cracked me up.

First, as we walked down Pennsylvania Avenue enjoying the sunshine and the people....we approached the RADICAL FAERIES booth. This is a group of gay men who celebrate their gayness in unique ways....mostly whimsical. They dress in fairy like costumes with wands and such. As we approached the booth....three of them came out with golden colored penis shaped wands.

Of course they went to Greg. He, after all, is the buff, former military mahn that is all business....and is all macho. The rotund member of the RFs approached him with his wand and said, "Would you like for me to bless your crotch?"

I thought Greg was gonna drop his 35mm digital camera.... He caught his breath....and offered a slight smile and said, "I don't think so!"

I roared.

Later on in the day, he and I got separated ....and he got marooned in a tent with gay men during a brief thundershower. When he and I caught up with one another near the end of the day, he said, "Frank, I got you something!"

I said, "Oh you did? What is it?"

He threw a t-shirt at me....it's a nice t-shirt by the way...BUT...

Emblazoned across the chest it read: "ASK AND TELL....MANHUNT.COM"

I looked at him and said, "I suppose your wife or kids wouldn't understand that would they?"

He looked at me rather deadpannish and said...."I don't think so!"

We both laughed....and he thanked me for introducing him to my world.

What a great friend to have!

Thoughts on Pride....

Today was the big GAY PRIDE festival in DC. That's out country artist Chely Right to the left. Yeah, that's an original picture that I took! Guess you could say that I'm improving my technique.

Last night was the big PRIDE PARADE.

I went to both and let me tell you...I had a BALL!

I look at it as a celebration of the man that God made me to be. I get to see the community in all its diversity. I also observe that I'm not the only one like me...and there is tremendous affirmation in knowing that.

One thing that touched me was a group of teenagers who marched by in last night's parade. There they were....laughing and proud of the fact that they knew who they are...and are not ashamed. AND...they have their whole lives ahead of them.

Today I mingled with all the good folks in my denomination. We had a booth and handed out fliers and stickers and all kinds of "stuff". I got to meet a lot of the ministers in my area that I did not know. It just felt great.

One older gentleman who had been partnered over 50 years when his partner died from cancer a few years ago....was handing out church stuff to all the folks who came by....and he told me that this was his first PRIDE!

Today during all the celebrating....an older couple went to the RAINBOW STAGE. One of the men helped his partner lovingly with his walker. There they stood, a bit stoop shouldered, but they told their story to all those assebled. They met each other 30 years ago today. Do you know what they did in front of all of us? They had a pastor there and they married each other! They were over joyed. Not a dry eye was left in those who witnessed it.

Near the conclusion of the pride celebration today and just before headliner, Chely Wright took the stage, the host invited them to the main stage on Pennsylvania Avenue. There in front of the hundreds or so people present, under a brilliant blue sky, with the white Capitol Building gleaming behind them, they were presented publicly for the first time as a MARRIED couple. The crowd erupted into cheers.

Oh there were the extremists present too.....the ones running around in leather jock straps......or in speedos that barely covered the important parts. Their were the drag queens....and the muscle gods..... But there were regular guys like me.....and older guys like the ones I mentioned......and we were there to celebrate our lives.

I keep hoping to one day have a partner.... One that I can walk down Pennsylvania Avenue on Pride day and hold his hand....or kiss him in front of the main stage...or just sit and listen and hold him close.

One day I'm gonna have all that!

And it's gonna be something!

Happy Pride Everyone!

Remembering June 9, 2005

It's June 9.

Five years ago today (June 9, 2005), my hell began. It was a long dark night...and I remembering being in such pain I could hardly move one foot in front of me. The pain was to the bone. For the first time I felt vulnerable, alone...and rejected...totallly.

Early on in this blog (and all those entries are still available for reading), I dwelled on the negative. I couldn't see any good. All I felt was rejection. I was not used to rejection. My wife had rejected me. My then boyfriend (the married one) also backed off because he said that "he loved me enough to let me go, since he wasn't prepared to leave his wife for me -- and I needed someone full time." So in the span of a few short months, I left my wife...and the man I thought would be my life partner.

All my church friends, (the ones at the church that Lovey and I had been members of), evaporated. Lovey then began outting me to everyone who would listen. I felt naked....abused.....wronged.

I wanted to hide....and never emerge from it.

All her family was told about my gayness...

The only folks who stuck by me were two men from the church.....my kids....and my parents.

I remember waking up one morning and realizing that I had no friends, no community of faith to help me through it. My pastor even turned his back on me. While he was on sabbatical at the Pentagon, his interim minister turned her back.

This separation and divorce wrecked me...or so I thought.

I wanted to die.

My life as I knew it died.

The only outlet I had was here.

And I wrote.....and I wrote.....and I wrote.

It became therapy for me and has remained so.

Thank God for all that.

So, let's think about this now for a few moments. I was married for 25.5 years. I had all the trappings that a straight marriage brings you: the house, the cars, the wife, the kids, the great job, the church, and friends.

Many gay married men are so afraid to come out of the the closet....to friends...to their wives....understandably so. I've been there and know what that's like. But I came out to Love in 1982. Thus began a 15 year quest to change. Due to my spiritual upbringing, I was prayed over....I had demons cast out of me....I joined a 12-step program called Homosexual's Anonymous...(since then it has become a 14-step program). I repressed....I pretended.....I flung myself into church work. But, you cannot change the core person you are.

In 1997 I was exhausted and planning to kill myself. I had it all figured out. The world would be such a better place without me. But then, I sought help from a gay-affirming church (the one I now am a member of), and then I began my journey to acceptance.

Yes, in 2005 I began my journey through hell. I separated. I divorced.

Here in 2010, I am a single gay man. (Hopefully I will meet the man of my dreams soon.) I still have the house and put my on particular stamp of ownership to it. I no longer have to go through Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the 12 disciples, both Houses of Congress, and the President to do something -- I just do it now. I have the cars (newer and better), no wife (thank God), the kids love me fiercely, the great job,a new and more healthy and affirming church, and a ton of new friends!

Not too shabby is it?

So, dear friends. If you are struggling with the gay thing....and you find yourself miserable, suicidal and depressed. Don't hurt yourself. But start looking around at your life to see what you can do to make it better. Sometimes the things that we think are the hardest, turn out to open the floodgates of peace.

Come out....be who God created you to be. Who cares what folks think?

You need to be healthy....and enjoying the blessings of living....and of your sexuality.

Y'All Are Back!!

I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised to see interest in my blog dwindling to NOTHING over the last few months since I haven't been writing anything. As I said earlier, I decided to take a few months off because I felt like I had nothing to say and I did not want this to be a whinefest. It kind of felt like thats all I was doing: wallowing and whining about my sorry lot in life.

I'm now trying to turn this blog around to discuss more relavant issues facing single, mature gay men. After all, I have survived separation, divorce, alienation from the ex, and now I am trying to negotiate life on brand new terms....and trying to become more comfortable in gay dating and related social situations.

Since I never had real dating experiences with women other than my ex-wife, this gay male dating thing is totally foreign to me. I have had many fits and starts -- mostly fits. The one "relationship" I had last year ended badly...and resulted in the breakup of a good friendship because the "boyfriend" (really I don't even know that it was that). Let's start over. The much younger man I was dating wound up with my ex-best friend...who knew that it was ending long before I did...and knew that he was the object of the young man's affections...but did not tell me.

So, my track record has not been the greatest when it comes to matters of the heart. Since that tragic episode (and now looking back...I realize I should never have begun dating that young man to begin with...), I have had numerous "crushes" that have gone absolutely nowhere.

So when this man caught my eye....and I apparently caught his....well....it took my breath away...and I have been afraid to get my hopes up. So...y'all who are reading...will see what happens along with me.

I am so glad to see that by my numbers...y'all are back.....and that you are following the little notes I write.

Thanks for your support....

You are loved!

OMG....Frank Just Might Have Someone....!!!

I suppose I am eating crow now. At least I should be.

The man that came into my life unexpectedly...did follow through this evening -- not for dinner, but for a diet coke and a chocolate shake at a nearby McDonalds. We chatted for over two hours....and at the end when we had solved all the world's problems and he had told me all about himself.....he asked, "Well, have I scared you totally away?" When I said "No!", he smiled very broadly and responded "Good...you're a nice guy."

In the course of saying good night....he gave me two bear hugs and two pecks on the lips and said that we are going to get together sometime next week. He wants to do a full-fledged dinner out....and earlier in the evening this round!

This weekend is Pride in DC...and he thinks that we might meet up...and watch the parade...and have dinner together then too!

So, there is a God in heaven.....and he apparently knows my name!

WOW!

I am guardedly optimistic!

Are All Gay Men Flaky?

Well, here am I...burned again. I swear, I am beginning to wonder where all the good men are.

The guy that I met last week....that seemed like good bf material apparently has flaked out like all the others. Yup. He contacted me and said that he wanted to go to dinner tomorrow night or Thursday night. Thursday night is booked for me....and so I told him that Monday night was best. I asked him what he wanted to do foodwise.

As of this evening....Sunday evening....silence. So, I assume that we are not going to have dinner.

He now joins the club of two other possible men....and those two both say that they are too busy for romance.

I am a very busy man too. But I always have time for friends....or time for possible romance. I seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

So, in the meantime, I went to the Gay Men's Chorus Pride concert this afternoon on the campus of George Washington University in Washington, DC. It was excellent and uplifting. The eye candy was overwhelming. One man in particular I just could not take my eyes off. WHEW.

It is so frustrating not to be able to have someone in my life. I am so tired of whining about it too. But it's there. It's painfully lonely. But, there is nothing I can do. I put myself out there where the gay guys are.....and those that express an interest are TOO busy.

I purposely play low key....and not appear desperate. Still, I am a 52yo single man.....and the primary market in the gay world appears to be buff 20 something.

I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle this.

Quiet Saturday

Today has been rather quiet, which is just the way I like my Saturdays to be. My daughter, Jessica, is off to an office picnic/party about 45 miles south of here. Tonight we are going to a cookout amongst friends out west of here.

Summer has officially begun.

It's time for good fun....friends and food.

My office is keeping me quite busy. I had planned to take next week off and spend it with my folks in WV, but everything is happening at the office....and I can't leave...not now.

I am feeling somewhat tired. I did not sleep well last night.

There's a new man in my life. We met this week and he has emailed me a couple of times about having dinner on Monday evening.

Stay tuned.

What's Wrong With Me???

I must confess that today was a very strange day...from start until finish.

This entire weekend has not been what I had planned. But I tried to make the most of it in spite of being disappointed. I suppose this weekend wasn't good because of the anniversary of the divorce -- even though I made a point of keeping busy with a host of different projects Still, in spite of my best efforts, I chose to clean out the junk room. It's my spare room that I hope to shortly convert into an office. It contained all the junk I did not know what to do with after Lovey departed this building on June 20, 2006. So, I was looking at having to do something with a room full of stuff that had been sitting there undisturbed for four whole years. (This is the room that I tried to do away with while my daughter was gone to El Salvador....but the hurt and everything was just too fresh to worry with. I spent the majority of that time in tears...and overcome with grief. I threw everything back in there to be dealt with at a later time -- NOW!

This go round I chose to do it on this weekend where I was feeling odd to begin with.....and wouldn't you know, I found some old cards and letters that Lovey had written during the few good times of our marriage. It added to my gloom. BUT...I was able to destroy those few items....and toss a host of garbage away. I emptied about 5 large boxes of stuff.....and about 10 garbage bags of junk that is now sitting on the curb for pickup in the morning.

I suppose I am making progress here. No tears....no feeling sorry for myself, just a feeling of odd detachment.

Some friends are playing cards tomorrow night.....and I've been invited to join in. Tonight a friend from my men's retreat in January called me up out of the blue to get some encouragement. He thanked me for listening to him....and he told me what a good friend I was.

Oddly, his call made me feel better....

At least I am having an impact on someone's life.

It's now getting late.....and I guess I need to head to bed.

It has been a long weekend.

Eye Candy

A big day here....I had some duties to perform at church....then I shot some photos at a botanical garden today that I had never visited. Then, I came home and went to see SEX AND THE CITY 2!

It was a great movie....forget about what the critics had to say about it. It was exceedingly gay friendly....and there was a ton of great eye candy. Some of the scenery took my breath away for sure.

Oddly, when I see stuff like this....it sometimes has a boomerang effect on me. It brings me down a bit. So, I am working to "bounce back" yet again: counting my blessings...and remembering all the friends that I have. I also reflect on how far I have come and that it's all going to work out eventuallly.

Movies tend to tell fictional stories and make it appear that there are no real problems....that everyone gets someone at the end....and they live happily ever after.

Not so in real life....

Sunday Morning

So, as I write this today, my church clothes are in the dryer. I always try to make myself somewhat presentable so at least I look half-way decent. Perhaps someone will be there that could be the start of a magical journey.

But, in actuality, more often than not, this is not the case.

Still I hope.

Love In The Gay World

I enjoy certain types of pornography -- not just any old type that leaves nothing to the imagination. I don't like the pictures that actually show tab A being inserted in to slot B. Those types of closeups do not do anything for me in the least. For all I know, those closeups of those body parts could be of any two of the ugliest people on earth doing the nasty.....

But I like the kind that leaves a lot to the imagination. I like the porn that leaves your heart racing....your breathing a little shallower. Why? Because the models seem to be into each other... They don't seem to be having just recreational sex for the purpose of getting off.....but they seem to be making love to each other.

I suppose this is because that I have reached a stage in my life....where I'm not looking for the thrill of hooking up. I want someone in my life that is special....with that emotional connection. The one guy that I don't have to worry about running off with the next guy he sees....or run back to the one that he just had. I want a man that is proud to be affiliated with me....and he makes it clear that he wants me.

Gay dating is weird. You meet all kinds of men. Recently I met a man who actually flirted with me. I flirted back. We talked for a long time. He told me that he was looking for someone to date. He wanted to know if I was into dating and I said yes. So he invited me to his house for a home cooked meal. He is a GREAT cook.

I thought we might get to cuddle....or just hold hands.... But upon my arrival to his house...he had out of town guests....and we had our meal with them. We then went to a movie and came back. Never heard from him again until one day several weeks later.

He was all over me.

He went to lunch with me.

He flirted again.

I walked him to his car and hugged him goodbye. But no real substantive communication since.

This has happened repeatedly.

I must attract these types. I don't think it's me that has done something wrong.

Oh who knows.

Gay men can be so fickle.....

New Directions

I've decided that I need to begin sharing some more different kinds of thoughts on my blog. I think I have finished whining about the divorce...and the pain....and the woe.....and the grief......and the feelings of hurt......

It's beginning to bore me.

So, I'm gonna begin sharing more of my direct thoughts.....possibly some fantasies....and perhaps even some pictures of things that interest me as a gay man. As in the past, I will do very little sanitizing....but I'm gonna let the warts and all shine through. I am not perfect and do not live the perfect life.....but I' gonna just be honest with you.

Remembering May 29, 2007

Well, today is my anniversary -- the anniversary of my divorce from Lovey. The neat thing about this is that I spent a great deal of time today busy with other stuff, and it only occurred to me that this is the day!

I have been a divorced man for 3 whole years!

I can hardly believe it. Time has flown by.

And I survived.

Oh, I still get twinges of the hurt....and the sadness.....but I have to say, I am in a good place now. This is in spite of the fact that I am alone....I have no special man in my life....and I really have to think about the fact of growing old alone.

This is certainly not the life I had planned for myself.

But then, I was such a Pollyanna. I thought that life always went to your plan. Oh, I believed that occasionally life threw you a curve, but that all in all, the destination would take care of itself...because after all, I had laid the framework and I would be okay.

I made no contingencies for life as a single man.....no contingencies as a single gay man.....no contingencies for being a single gay man with adult kids.

I thought I would grow old with the one person that I walked aisle with.....the woman I chose as my lifemate....in spite of the gay thing.

Man, I was wrong.

So here I am.

Today was a good day. None of my guy friends contacted me about any plans today to kick off Memorial Day Weekend. But, a host of my lesbian buds did. It was so funny to be the token gay male there in a sea of lesbians. But we all laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. We all camped it up a bit. We had lots of fun just being together and relaxing with a grill cooked hamburger, chips, dip, macaroni and potato salads, grilled veggies....sodas....and then we made 'smore on the open fire.

Not a bad way to start the weekend.

It would have been neat to have a special man beside me....someone I could reach over and hold his hand.

Oh, it's the romantic in me I guess.

But, he wasn't there......and he's not here in my life tonight. So, the only man in my life is me. I am learning to like that....and take care of that relationship.

One of the girls said that she had learned in her life, that in order for her to be attractive to another woman, or to be able to be in love with another woman, she had to be attractive and love herself first.

I guess she is right.

I'm working to make that transition in my own heart as well.

For the longest time, I have had to deal with a poor self-image....low self esteem....shyness.....and my hyper sensitivity to rejection. That last one is still giving me fits. But I try.

So, as I get ready to jump into my bed, I have to remember that I am so much better off than at anytime when I was married to a woman. I am happier....I am more content.....and that I have grown immensely.

This does not mean I have arrived.

But I'm still on the journey.....learning new stuff about me...and my world.

Ray Boltz is True

In case you haven't heard, Ray Boltz, the successful Christian Artist who sang such hits as "Thank You", "The Altar", and "The Anchor Holds" -- to name a few -- blew the door off his closet's hinges almost two years ago to the world. His revelation has set fundamentalist Christianity on its ear and as you could guess, that community is all atwitter with comments about how he wasn't a true Christian, or "isn't it awful that he has chosen this godless lifestyle", etc.

I suppose since I have walked in similar shoes as Mr. Boltz, I don't see this that way at all.

I see a True Christian who has labored to be faithful to his Lord and to his family, but in the process realized that he was falling short of the image he thought he had to live up to.

Fast forward two years and we now have a brand new album by the artist, simply entitled TRUE. He's being true to himself and living authentically. He's being authentic to his family.

This authenticity certainly shows in the album. By far it is my favorite and it touches on real issues like being who God meant you to be; don't listent to those who accuse gay folks like us of having an agenda, when all we want is to be happy and free to live our lives and our dreams. He even touches on gay bashing and on guys who are "Queens."

In all honesty, I always found his earlier work to be over the top and filled with all kinds of Christian cliches. I also thought they were a little lengthy. With 13 tracks on the current album, I find this album too short and wishing it were longer.

Oh, I'm sure the naysayers are gonna continue to expend a lot of their energy thumping their Bibles and casting Boltz into hell. My response is, let God be God and let Ray be Ray.

Ray Boltz is the real deal. His new authenticity shows in his music....and the cover of the album shows him today (see above).....his eyes look alive....and he looks happy....and blessed!

The album TRUE is available for download through I-Tunes! Go get it....NOW!

Oil Leak

Ok everyone, we have all heard about that awful oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico that is threatening sea life throughout that area and beyond. It's a perfect illustration of how I have been feeling lately.

These past two months that I have taken off from this blog have given me plenty of time to reflect. You long time readers of this blog know the trauma and difficulty I experienced during the early days of my separation and then the awful divorce. At times, I literally felt like I was losing my mind. At the time I was accused of wallowing in self-pity...some readers suggested I simply "get over it!"

But, this was my life that I felt was crumbling. I felt wronged.

Many women wrote to say how offended they were with me because I could not see poor Lovey's (the ex wife) awful lot in this mess.

I got into tussles...and I went on the defense....and I got additional hurts.

But the good news of all this is it has been 5 years post separation and almost 3 years post final divorce decree and I'm okay.

Well, sort of.

Sometimes I feel like I am the Gulf of Mexico.....and the relationship I had with Lovey....and all that debris I have worked so hard to come away from is that awful oil spill. You see, occasionally a belch of blackness surfaces on my calm sea of moving on. It coats my entire being with blackness....and bitterness.....and profound sadness.

I then work hard to disperse it all. And then, after a while it's gone...until the next time.

I'm not sure what brought this latest belch of blackness to my surface. Perhaps it's the fact that the anniversary of the divorce is in a couple of days....or maybe it was because Lovey once again has inserted herself into my life this week.

I have so much I want and need to say to her. But I'm afraid if I do, it is really going to be nuclear. I have been holding on to so much....I am ready to blow sky high with it all in one massive explosion.

After much thought....it's not the fact that she divorced me that's the problem. I understand she exercised her right to do so. But several issues remain that have engendered deep bitterness, anger and hostility toward her.

1. We were married for 25.5 years. She knew of my struggles for 24.5 years. I tried my hardest to be the kind of husband I thought she needed. She was never happy. In looking back over that significant period of time, I can honestly say now, I never felt she loved me. I look around at married folk I know. I see the love in their eyes and their actions. Sadly, I never experienced it. What an indictment of my life!

2. She said repeatedly that the gay thing was not what did our marriage in. I must say that I agree. Finances were not good because I spent much money trying to keep us out of the red. She spent and spent and spent. I used credit cards to cover those expenditures. Not once did she accept any responsibility of this. But placed the blame with me.

3. Although she admitted that the gay thing was not the reason for our divorce, she set about hurting me in any way she could. She was vindictive. When questioned by our many friends at her church and they would say, "Why, Lovey, are you dumping Frank? He has been so good to you and is so supportive of everything you have ever wanted to do? Why now? After all this time?" Thinking anything else would make her look bad, she went on a rampage of outting me...and saying that I had made her life hell. Well, this gave her tons of sympathy....but a few didn't just let her explanation end there. They pressed and asked, "How long have you known?" When she responded by saying over 24 years...they just kind of looked at her...and withdrew completely from her.

4. As she neared her quest for ordination, she enlisted my help to videotape her serving communion at her churches. I spent two weekends with her doing just that. I edited the file and created DVDs for her to send with her paper work for ordination. Overall, I had spent well over 25 years supporting her quest for respect as a minister......and seeing that she had all the necessary stuff to be ordained.

In the end, I wound up being persona non grata at the ordination ceremony, and that hurt.

Bad.

5. I was accused wrongly of all kinds of apparent wrongs and never allowed to defend myself.

So.

It's not the divorce that has had me reeling for these years -- it's all the stuff she did in order to make herself look good and to save face during the divorce that hurt. The accusations that weren't true. The outright lies that were told. The picture that was painted of me that made it appear that I was a sinister gay man....wanting to live a lie.....wanting to have my cake and eat it too....duping Lovey into marrying me.......making her life hell.

Get the picture?

That image of me is not the Frank I am at all -- hence the anger....the bitterness....the hostility.

I am working to cap this oil leak of black, belching "stuff"...but like BP and the Gulf of Mexico, it's not an easy job.

Wednesday Night

Last night was a bit busy for me. Last winter I had attended a gay men's retreat in Northern Virginia. There were 15 of us who met at a church not far from my house. We talked about all aspects of Gay Spirituality including church, religion, and sex. My spirits were certainly buoyed by the fact that I had made new friends and attended to my spiritual needs.

This particular retreat was the first of its kind. The facillitator has done a good job at keeping the group together and we meet every month to share a meal and to catch up with one another. It certainly builds community and friendships.

Earlier this month, the facillitator hosted the second retreat. Again, he had about 15 attendees. They all had the same experience as the rest of us. Last night we (the first group) hosted a potluck dinner for the new group. We all got to share and to get to know one another. It really was quite neat.

One man told the story of how he had been married for 38 years, when his wife passed away about a year or so ago. He now feels free to finally experience life as what he was meant to be. He is deep in his closet...but cautiously exploring life.

Another man shared how his divorce after 20 years left him with a warm relationship with his ex-wife.....and how he had met his partner who was also going through a divorce...a bad one. Between the two men, they have three children and live in a house in DC.

So the entire evening was spent sharing each of our stories.

Several of us who have FACEBOOK accounts encouraged the other to contact us and become our friends. One of my new friends (the man with the blended family) friended me today...and I was shocked to find out that I know his partner. AND...on top of that.....his partner is not someone that I respect or like.

Guess that means that I will be keeping my mouth shut...and just watching how all this unfolds. He isn't a high caliber person. He kind of has the personality of a gnat. And he has the reputation of being somewhat "loose."

I can understand why that divorce was bad. As I recall, he was a jerk to his wife.

So, I sit and ponder the same old question. How do people like that wind up with partners?

Clearly I don't understand all this. I may have standards that are unattainable and this may be my problem. WHEW!

I'm Back After a Long Break!

It has been about two months since my last post. I apologize. I have gone through a somewhat dry period in my writing and I just needed a break.

My lack of writing new material has taken its toll on this blog as the number of visitors has plummeted. So, rather than erase my 4 year labor of love, I felt a nudge to begin writing here again.

I have entertained thoughts of writing a new blog from an entirely different perspective, but I just can't get away from the thought of rising "Out of the Ashes."

So, here I am.

My parents have been through the mill with their cancer. Each has lung cancer. Mom is in full remission and has been so for a year and a half. Dad was diagnosed in November...and it looks like he is going to be on chemo as a maintenance regimen for the rest of his life. In a couple of weeks, he will be undergoing cyber knife surgery to remove a tumor that has shrunk drastically since November.

I have so very much to be thankful for.

Meanwhile, my daughter Jessica has started a new job in Washington DC for the federal government. As you may remember, she returned from her Peace Corps duty in El Salvador almost a year ago. It has taken her that long to get this job. She is very thrilled.

On my front...yes, I am still gay. I continue to reach out and make new friends. And, I keep my eyes open for candidates as partners. In the meantime, I've met some people who at first blush seemed like the answers to my prayers. But, warning flags were raised when they started going down the bondage path.....or the erotic bowel movement path....etc.

I think you get the idea.

I don't know why it seems so hard in the gay world to find a regular guy for companionship....and for love -- plain and simple. The kind of love where you can grow old together and just experience the joys of day-to-day living. I have often fantasized about meeting someone where I can just sit and hold his hand in quiet moments. My favorite scenario is when I can be curled up on the couch with him and rest my head in his lap while we each read the Saturday or Sunday paper. Or plan trips to the beach...or just doing something fun. I would love for him to love my kids as his own.

I look around me and see people of every size and persuasions who have a special person in their lives and I suffer from private longing. I look at well known gay people who have just come out....and they already have partners! Chely Wright.....Ray Boltz......Jennifer Knapp all come to mind.

It makes me feel like screaming...."What in the world is wrong with me?"

But I plunge myself into my work.....or my church work.....or just the business of living. I put myself into groups of gay men all the time. I look around me and wonder....what it takes to find and to fall in love.

Oh....then there are the unspoken crushes. I see some guys that would be perfect boyfriend material. But I am just waaaaaaay tooooooooo shy to pursue it. I always wonder why I have to be the initiator.

So, I'm in a rut. I know this.

But I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I am trying to be satisfied with me. I am trying to like myself. I'm trying to enjoy my company and to keep busy. This goes a long way to combat the loneliness that sometimes threatens to sink me.

'nuff said for now.

Spring Is Finally Here

It has been a very long and cold winter. I thought I was going to die during all those back-to-back snowstorms. I am just glad it is all over.

I am determined to enjoy the longer day light hours and the warmer temperatures.

And you know something? I want to have a lot of fun and enjoyment this summer. No drama. No sadness. No worry.

Mother is doing fine. She is still in remission...and is determined to work on her strength and stamina by walking more and more with her new hip.... I am amazed by her steady recovery from the massive stroke at Christmas. She is virtually healed...and is doing GREAT! I am so thankful.

Dad has his final chemo treatment this week. It appears that he will now be in remission. So all we have to do with him is to have his weight to pick back up...and get his stamina going as well.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

You may be wondering how I'm doing.

I think I am doing pretty well. I can hardly believe that it has been nearly five years since Lovey dropped the bomb that changed my life. We are at the three year mark almost since the divorce was final.

These years since have been times of great discovery for me. I learned to rely on me...solely. I've worked at getting to know me better. I've also worked at being a better dad....and a better person in general.

Those of you who read me faithfully will remember that there was a time when I felt that I had no friends. In essence this is the case. I woke up one morning and realized I had been stripped of all the marital friendships I had......I lost all the church friends I had when Lovey outted me as the "husband from hell"... So I had to just reach out all over again and learn to make new friends.

God has blessed these efforts. I mean, I have heard from a number of you through this blog. Personally I have expanded my network of frendships....such that I have just approved my 424th friend on my FACEBOOK page.

Life is just good...

The Sunset of Life

Today something out of the ordinary happened: I was thinking about a man that was the first man to ever utter those three words, "I Love You", to me when I was at my lowest back in the summer from hell -- 1997. I can't remember if I wrote about that period of time or not, but it was a traumatic year for me.

I had been corresponding with him for about six months and we had chatted on the telephone a lot. He lived in Austin, TX....and of course I was here in Washington, DC. It so happened that I was asked to go to Houston, TX on business... When I told him that I was doing that, he dropped everything and drove the 2.5 hours to meet me. We spent a blissful day there and he showed me around.

Although he and I had entertained the thoughts of becoming a couple, he wound up dumping me for Jesus...and telling me that God told him that I would damn his soul to hell....if he kept messing with me. Did not really know my own strength at the time!

I was devestated....and over time we lost touch.

Well, today I ran across some old email from him. I had a bright idea to begin searching FACEBOOK for him and his family. I found entries for his three kids and his wife...but nothing for him. I finally used the information I had located on his family in Facebook to do a greater search on GOOGLE...only to find that he dies in October of last year from an aggressive form of cancer.

I was directed to his obituary...and to some blogs that included pictures of him.

He had certainly changed much in the past 13 years....and the cancer had taken its tool. But that was him.....and I could see the man I knew, staring out from those pictures.

It only reinforces the feeling that those around us are here for only a short time. Then they can be gone in an instant. He was only 52 at his death....with beautiful adult children and a wonderful wife.

So here I sit....getting ready to leave my office for the day -- thinking of this precious man... In my own way grieving for him....for his family.

I am glad we crossed paths.

Life continues....