Saturday, April 28, 2012

Frank is Gonna Be a Grandpa!

Can you actually believe it?

This guy who has been struggling with a boat load of issues/drama/sadness/doom/gloom/death/loneliness... is actually going to become someone's GRANDPA!

In a few days I will be 54 years old. I have been keeping this blog for many years now. You all have seen me at my worst....at my best....and yes, some in between times. Now, you get to see me transform into a Gay Grandpa!

WOW!

No role models for that one. So I guess I will have to chart still another unique course in my life. A new role. And I get to make the rules. 

I've been working to get my life together since the death of my father. My mother passed away 8 months before him. So, as an only child, I have been forced to deal with much emotion. Grief is a funny thing. I use the term "funny" as in "strange." Sometimes I think I am dealing with the loss of my best friends in a great way. Then WHAM! I am a puddle of tears. The pain of their loss cuts me to the core and I truly wonder if I can make it another day.

I feel like an orphan.

The loneliness is bad....and my kids get angry with me because they are a very important and vibrant part of my life. BUT...it's not the same as having your parents. I tell my kids that they will understand fully one day. But then, I say, they won't fully understand because they will have each other.

I no longer have that luxury of having someone who shares the life experiences that I had with my parents.

On the dating front, nothing new. I hear from people on the dating sites I am a member of. We chat online. I try to keep some aura of mystery... In other words, I don't spill all my guts and tell all of my story. I follow their lead and talk about the things they want to talk about. Some have great potential. Then they disappear into the ether of the Internet. I was dating a minister for a while. But, when he kept giving me mixed signals I finally cut him loose. Suddenly he became even more "interested" but I was not. I was totally turned off. So, that was that.

Generally the guys I click with are: married, in a LTR with someone else, live billions of miles away, POZ, or some combination of the list. (NOTE: While I consider myself POZ friendly, I can't stand the thoughts of being with someone that I may lose. Granted, this could happen with the healthiest and most negative among us....but for now...with all the loss I had experienced, I just don't have energy to deal with that now. Does that make me a bad person?)

There is this one guy....he and I click physically.  We've gone to dinner.....we've gone to movies....we enjoy our time together.  We sizzle the sheets big time.  But we don't have an emotional connection.  It's really weird.  We have both discussed this.  The sex is simply AWESOME.  But I believe there has to be more to a relationship than that.

My parents' home is now emptied of all its contents. It's being sold at auction. It breaks my heart. It was posted on the auction house's Website yesterday. I looked. It made me ache. Some of mother's most cherished possessions are there for the world to see. I can't keep everything. Very little did my children want. So I made that painful decision.

I also have to deal with the sale of the house. I have to take the property in Florida through PROBATE. I have 1/8 interest in a family farm that I don't want. Still more drama. I strive to be drama free...one day. As you can see, dear readers, I have been quite busy. But I have thought of each of you and am amazed at the number of people who surf by and read all my jumbled thoughts and ramblings. This is but one example of an aimless post. Much is in my head....my birthday is in a few days.....I will be 54.....mother's birthday is 8 days later....she would have been 78.......then this is followed by mother's day......and then father's day........I dread all this.

This is so hard.

1 Comments:

Blogger Paul said...

Frank,

Hope you had a happy birthday.
I had almost given up on your blog. Congrats on becoming a grandpa soon. My daughter got married in the fall,so I'm hoping to do the same, one of these years.

And don't worry about the dating thing. The right guy will come at the right time. You have your friends, church, job, hobbies and family so someone will come up.

11:01 AM  

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