Monday, October 22, 2012

Flashback

It is Monday evening. This weekend I attended a gathering of married men who are married to women but either identify as gay or bisexual. It was a great group meeting. Almost 40 men were there. We got to socialize and become reacquainted. I got to spend time with guys I had not seen in 7 years. I also made a series of new friends. This was an awesome group. At the Saturday main session, each man was given the opportunity to share his story and his current situation. I was very moved by the other men. Some of them had really bad stories to tell. But when it came to me and I began summarizing my story, I suddenly found my mood had sunk to the levels of depression that I had experienced routinely circa 2005 or 2006 -- about the time I started this blog. I made it through my description. But I succeeded in spending the rest of my weekend and the majority of the day today has been in a very deep funk. It has been a long time since I have been to that place of profound sadness and depression. It was so bad hat I was bored at the local strip club I took a group of these men to. They had an exciting time....watching the young guys shaking all their kibbles and bits in their faces. But I was unmoved. It just seemed all so shallow to me. One of the men who came to the club with me was in his early 80s. He had a great time. He took his shirt off. He then touched the strippers in their permissable way....nothing above the knee or below the navel. But when he was running around the place and touching the men and seemingly in an almost religious trance, I could not help but notice that the guys were there to provide entertainment. But there was no special bond or connection that could lead to a relationship or intimacy. I suppose that I am now at the age where this is important to me. I suppose this is where my funk came in. All these men were like kids in a candy store over the weekend. They were gleeful about being away from home to be "gay for the weekend." What I think is that there is so much more to being gay than just looking at men 24/7. There is a whole lot more to me and to living than just being gay.

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