Saturday, October 27, 2012

Serious Reflection on My Experience

It has been a totally interesting week.

Last weekend I attended a men's retreat in Washington, DC at a really super hotel -- blocks away from the White House.  These are men who, for the most part, are still married to their wives, but are dealing with the revelation that they have determined they are gay or bisexual.  The majority of these men have told their wives of their desires or experiences and each man is working to navigate the appropriate path that works for them and their wife.

Now, I should caution each of you to remember that just because a group of 40 gay men gather together in a hotel for an official meeting that this is not some mass orgy of writhing flesh.  Cardinal rule #1 in being gay is that just because you know another gay man, it does not mean that automatically you are going to be bumping booties with him.

Sorry to say -- a lot of straight wives automatically "run there" when their husbands decide they want to attend one of these functions.

The Saturday session was emotionally draining for me.  I heard a number of what I consider to be horror stories.  I heard how some guys have been diagnosed with clinical depression.  It takes quite a bit of effort for them to motivate themselves to remain married.  The guys who are nagged to death and not permitted to have any male friends whatsoever because the spouse automatically expects that some sort of screwing around is taking place.

There are the spouses that start up another honeymoon period post disclosure as if sudden interest in straight sex will somehow purge the gay guy's mind of sex with his own gender.  This appears to quickly wane.

I remember back in the day when I was together with Lovey, I was always afraid to have friends.  I was afraid that Lovey would think that the only reason I was friends with someone was because I was trying to get inside his pants.  The best way to describe this is "guilt by association."

And I managed to sit through the stories for many hours on Saturday.  It became my turn soon to share my journey.  Although I must say mine has been painful -- added to that are the terminal illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths....and then I was forced to deal with that aftermath, at least now I can say I have seemingly emerged from the other side of that very dark tunnel.  While sharing though, it was as if I was back there again...circa 2005....feeling all the angst....unsurety....and depression all over again.

I was drained...and depressed.  It lasted until Monday or Tuesday.

While it was a good visit with my friends within the group, I must confess that I had an unexpected blessing to occur.  As I spoke to the men I mentioned writing this blog...and how I found it to be quite useful in dealing with the crumbling marriage.

At break, I had a man come up to me and say, "Frank, I heard you say that you write a blog.  Which one?  I told him OUT OF THE ASHES.

The man fell apart and cried....and told me that I would never know how much this blog had helped him in his journey!  I was shocked and blessed to know that my whining and feeling sorry for myself had somehow been a blessing to him...and that he felt it was quite useful.  I told him that I came to a point that I thought I might end it...and that of late there have been man slow periods...but it provided such good documentation on my journey, that I had decided to keep writing...and to leave the almost 900 posts intact.

So, I suppose I still have several new stories to tell.  I guess I will continue writing.

Hopefully you will continue to read this.


Blogger RADICALJOE said...

I have just started reading a small
amount of your blog. I am 74yrs old,
finally came out to wife after 46yrs
of marriage. 3 children, I am watched
like a dog. I had suicidal feeling about 2yrs ago when I came out. I am
still trying to deal with it as I go
into the coming years. Wife has been
quite hateful in dealing with me.
Haven't had any touching, kissing, or
any sex in 12yrs. I just want to go
off this planet and die. When I go to
a LGBT meeting, she shows her colors.
Was going for therapy, the bitterness
would come back after I went. So I stopped going to anything that pissed
her off, Sleep in my own Bedroom,
and I think she is lonely but happy.
Her substitue for Sex is Food, talking
constantly on the phone, and solitare
and computer Games.
Just wish I could get some kind of sex, I keep on dreaming, and still have my porno. 2 terra bits of memory.
Just had knee operations, so have to
have another (knee cap came out of groove) they will have to take cartilage to hopefully reattach it for
3rd time. Amen

9:58 PM  

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