Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Lessons Learned

My experience with Alex taught me several things. It taught me just how important my friends are to me. It also taught me that it pays to be guarded with matters of the heart. Finally, it taught me that it is actually hard being gay.

At least in straight situations, the role models are firmly fixed. Society has put expectations on how those relationships are supposed to work. It also has set up various rituals or institutions to make sure they do work.

But gay relationships are fraught with all kinds of challenges. Not only do we have to seek out role models....that are not always easy to find, but due to the marginalization and abuse of gay people emotionally...physically...psychologically...well...gay folks potentially can bring a ston of baggage to a relationship -- some of it not even rational.

Alex made it known that he thought I was perfect. I was wonderful. The sun rose and set with me....and on and on and on and on.

So much so, that I had many red flags to go off in my head. I thought..."wow, if this man, that I don't know, can be this easily smitten by the likes of me...well, then he can fall out of love or whatever with me just as fast...or find someone else." Thus, I kept my guard up.

Totally.

So as I process all this...and hopefully one day meet someone with whom I can have a wonderful relationship....I have to wonder if what I look for really exists? I mean...I want a man that will care for me as much as I care for him. I want to matter to someone else. It would really be nice to be treated as number one in someone's heart and life for a change....rather than leftover...or pushed to the end of the line or just taken for granted.

I remember that while dating Lovey, she made it a point to tell me that her ministry would always come first. Dumb and naive me thought...well...I'll be occasionally number one. True love conquers all. Boy, was I wrong on that. In 25.5 years, I NEVER came first.

It may be unrealistic...but I won't settle for this ever again.

For the right man, I will move heaven and earth to be there for him. To honor him. To cherish him. To be there for him in good and bad times. To be there in sunshine and rain. To love unconditionally. To accept any shortcomings and not try and change him into the man that I want him to be.

Isn't this is what love and relationships are all about?

Or am I being Pollyanna?

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