Thursday, March 16, 2017

Ready for Change

This weekend is the official start of my new life with Chris. As I have prepared myself emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically, I find that I'm having to purge myself of many of the ghosts from my past. It's funny, but it seems when things start turning around the ghosts begin to arise from their barren graves to try and torment me and to rob me of the joy I have mustered due to my good fortune.

In this case, I have so yearned and longed for a man to be with and to live life with...and a few months ago, I felt like literally folding up my rainbow flag and putting it away because I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I always found those men who were not really what I wanted...or felt I deserved...and I wound up getting hurt -- badly, in the process.

Then Chris appears in my life. And as he and I have become further acquainted...and his job prospects brought him literally into my backyard....and to the point of him moving in....and the profound feelings we have for each other...well...unless you're gay....and have someone that loves you unconditionally -- warts and all -- you'll never understand. Given my gay orientation, I've often wondered if the way I'm feeling with Chris...and those strong and intensely personal feelings that I have for him, are what garden variety straight men feel for their girlfriends or wives.

I've just never felt this way about anyone. Not Stan....not Zach.....not Patrick....not Lee......

And certainly not Lovey.

But yet here are these feelings for Chris....that seem to wash over my in tidal waves of joy and anticipation.

It is so very hard for me to describe these feelings to anyone. Especially if you're not from a gay orientation.

So, Chris arrives at my house on Sunday afternoon. I'm taking off Monday to be with him and help him to get settled. He begins his new job on Tuesday.

We're both ready.....ready for this big CHANGE!


Anonymous Dave said...

I found your blog because I am a 51-year-old gay husband in a 23-year mixed orientation marriage and I am always searching....constantly....for information that will help me know where to go, what to do. I have been out to my wife for over five years, and we have struggled the whole time. Some divorce quickly, others separate or divorce in a short period of time after disclosure and some seem to find a way to make the oddity of the MOM work. We have not. We have just migrated into an uncomfortable "new normal" of unhappy celibacy, raising our two school-age daughters and being generally unhappy. Yet I am terrified of being alone if we split. I am ancient by gay standards to be "out". I squandered my youth in denial and now time and fate have colluded against me. I am happy for you that you have found true love with this gentleman Chris. I hope you have a wonderful life together. As for me, I'll keep searching for answers....all the best sir. Dave

6:30 AM  
Blogger Sooo-this-is-me said...

Best wishes on your new journey with Chris. I completely understand what you are saying about feeling over the top about Chris, it's one of the ways you know that this relationship is definitely different from the others.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

Frank, All the best to you and Chris

3:58 AM  

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