There are the drawbacks. If you were a pleaser, as I was, before coming out broadly, I found myself fearful of what others were going to think of me. I was sure that when my friends and family found out who I was really on the inside, they would mark me off as a pervert and I'd be alone.
Over time, though I have learned that I have built a very strong support system of friends that I refer to as my family of choice. They truly understand my struggles and my fears and have been with me though a a hunk of my journey which really began with the separation on June 9, 2005. It's kind of hard to believe that it is now 15 years since that momentous evening. The pain from the hurt of that evening stung -- very deeply. It seemed to linger forever.
One of the first things that I learned was that I needed to learn how to be gay -- in a measured way. One of my friends at that time laughed at me. Later upon reflection, he thought that was quite profound. You see, being gay is more that sex or what position you prefer or whether you choose to fly your rainbow flag or not. I explained to LOVEY the other day that it's more about how you see the world. When I was "straight" it was like looking through an ancient small screen black and white TV. You saw black and white with some shades of gray in between.
But, when you realize who you really are, and you accept yourself "lock, stock and barrel" and come to the place where you can celebrate your difference without fear or shame...well, it's like sitting down in front of an 80"" flatscreen HD tv for the first time It's breath taking.
So I spent those early years of separation and divorce exploring the gay world....not only in sexual ways...but reading about gay history.....gay culture.....gay films....famous gay people....etc. It was eye opening.
Part of this journey included a search for intimacy. Although I always equated sex with intimacy, I've come to learn that there is so much more to intimacy than taking your clothes off for another person and getting down to business.
I want the kind of relationship with a man that is sexual of course I want to feel what it's like to fall asleep in his arms or he in mine and then, in the morning awaken to find him there by my side, excited about starting another day together. I want a man to hold tightly. When something goes wrong and I need to have an ugly cry, I can bury myself in his chest and feel him comforting me. I want a man in my life permanently.
I've dated and hooked up with a lot go men during these 15 years -- some good...some bad. The majority of those men seem to have trouble with intimacy. Oh they can do sex at the drop of a hat. But if you mention anything any deeper than that they are ready to head for the hills. It's sad actually because I believe that if you have an emotional spark or connection or chemistry -- however you wish to label it -- it makes the physical expression so much better Is that word demisexual?
One of my friends wrote this recently about intimacy: "While sex is important, I don't think it is where intimacy begins. Intimacy begins with getting to know someone. Yes, there needs to be a basic attraction or feeling of closeness with a person, but that attraction is more than sexual."
Sadly in gay life a vast majority of gay men have their "type" and refuse to waver from it. It seems to me to be so shallow. For a season one could be into a man that falls 100% into your type....but once the groan stops the body fluids have spurted, how is he outside of bed? Can you talk about things? Do you have similar hobbies and interests that will help a relationship go the distance?
Some anonymous hookups can be intensely intimate. In that moment you can feel very close to him--even powerfully so, but when it's over, after you've shared the most personal part of your body with him, it's amazing how quickly the wall of coldness and distance arise. It's a lot like he's flipped a light switch, turned off, shut down, and become distant and cold after he is "done." Suddenly it becomes all business and the transaction is closed.
This is why I hate mindless, meaningless and mechanical sex because it makes me feel used and abandoned.
I want intimacy from just one special person. 
1 comment:
Sex without intimacy for me isn't worth it. The feeling of closeness and waking up the next day to face it together is what it is all about.
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