A Lot Going On

It's Thursday Night, late.  I've had one of those days that are never good.  

Since my transplant last year, I've noticed that the meds I'm on play with moods...no wonder they tell us to beware of suicidal thoughts and depression.  They've even talked about volatile mood swings and sad to say, I've seen that happen to me too.  

Thankfully I've learned to combust slowly and to talk myself down when I have to.  But there are tomes where to emerges so quickly, I don't have the opportunity to grab hold of myself and downshift.

Today that happened.

It came about in a back handed way that was totally unexpected.

I had a big medical appointment.  I felt alone....no one could go with me.  I was scared at what I would find out and wished a million times I had had someone there with me to offer moral support.    But as with most things, I found myself negotiating the information I received as best as I could.  I walked out to my car and wept.  

It was not a pretty cry.  In the words of Oprah Winfrey, it was an "ugly cry."

The news I received was this.  This particular consultation was with a LIVER surgeon.  Its purpose was to figure out next steps after the surprising diagnosis I received about three weeks ago.  

I found out that i have a 50/50 chance of cancer.  They can't biopsy the lesion because they would picture the wall that keeps the tumor intact and if it is cancerous, that action would stop my chances for having a transplant.  It would release the cancer and then we'd have a mess.

They could zap the lesion and destroy it, BUT my cirrhosis could cause a decrease in liver function....requiring a transplant -- which by the way means death to the liver recipient after 12 months in 15% of cases due to complications.

I finally decided to tae a wait and see approach.  My lesion is at 1. cm.  It could just be a nodule and nothing more.  I want to be reevaluated in October with scans, blood work and an analysis of my liver working

So this is all so scary.  

I ran and grabbed lunch...then drove home to get online and do a virtual presentation with a group of about 25 high school interns at my agency.  I sailed onto the session did my thing.  

Afterwards, I got a real bad comment from a coworker....and I exploded.  I overreacted.  I pitched a real fit.  Totally unlike me.  I signed off abruptly.  Left my desk and went to my bathroom and had another ugly cry and sat down in the floor and tried to get myself together.  I was shaking.  I was a mess.  

Meanwhile, I started getting phone calls from friends and family.  So rather than stay off the grid.  I dried my tears....put my best foot forward, and answered all the questions about how the visit went.    I then heard from my advocate who private a lot of encouragement.  Her name is Danielle, and she gave lots of good medical info that helped to feel better.

Its amazing, because with my transplant, and now the liver issues, I feel so much like damaged goods.  Although I've been searching for a special someone for a long time, I find myself wanting to run to the fact that because I feel damaged, the next logical question is "Who in the world wants damaged goods?"

Silly I know, but about a month and a half ago, I met a man wh seemed interested in me, but when he found out that I had a transplant, with tastefully appointed scar, and a concern about the liver, he said that "he would have to take a pass."  

Brutal, huh?

So as the afternoon progressed, I had calmed down.  I told my colleague about all that I was going through...and I apologized for my overreaction.  I felt lower than low.   But after a long discussion with him, we made it good....  

He also apologized.  

So as I prepare for bedtime, I'm more upbeat.  I feel that I have made the right choice.  So I refuse to let this bring me down.  I'm going to remain positive  

I want to live long and happy.

On another topic, my ex-wife, LOVEY (remember her?) sent me an email message last night that came from left field.  She told me that she did not want me to continue to pay alimony once I retire.  She said she would be totally happy with the portion of the retirement annuity she demanded during our divorce 12 years ago.  So I contacted my divorce attorney, and she is willing to draw up the court documents to be signed by a judge to protect me from any possible flighty change of mind Lovey may have going forward. So I plan to get this off and running tomorrow morning.   We'll see.

So I'm in a mellow place at the moment.  I'm not afraid and I trod on.