Monday, January 05, 2009

On One Cold Winter Night

It's cold here tonight.

I just got in from having a wonderful dinner with friends at one of my gay pals' house.

There were a total of six of us: two long term male couples, the host and me. It was a time of great food and lots of laughter.

At one point during the meal, the discussion turned to monogamy. Both couples have been committed and monogamously coupled for many years. Our host said that he was told by a number of gay men, that it is impossible for gay males to have such relationships.

This troubled me....and I think it's why I'm feeling a bit sad this evening now that I've returned home.

If you've read my ramblings here for any great length of time, then you know that one of my main desires...or dreams...is to be in such a committed, loving, monogamous relationship. But I really am beginning to honestly wonder if this will ever happen for me. Sometimes I feel so out of touch. I feel like that I live in some kind of dream world...that just doesn't seem to exist.

I told the couples tonight that they are my role models and that they give me hope. But my exploration of the gay world indicates that this seems more the exception than the rule.

This troubles me.

Am I that off base?

Am I hoping for something that just doesn't exist normally?

Am I being unrealistic?

I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should just concentrate on being alone. Kill the desire to be partnered. Kill the desire to be "in love". Kill the desire for intimacy and concentrate on me being the best person I can be. Focus more on my spiritual journey. Focus on my children.

Focus on my parents.

Several weeks ago I wrote of a man that I work with that I had a big crush on. He was the king of mixed signals...and I could never seem to figure out what his true motives were.

I've since learned that in his short life.....he has has 15 "long-term" relationships. He just entered into some type of a relationship with someone....it was a shocker to me....but he did it anyway and since I never declared my feelings for him, it really isn't about me. Over the holidays, I did have a chance to catch up with him. He proceeded to tell me about the hookups he's made through Craig's List. This was after he began this relationship with this new person and they had been seeing each other for close to two months!

I don't think he was the one for me after all. Thankfully I didn't pursue it.

So, I remain single......

Will it ever happen for me?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Frank,

Like many relationships these days, many relationships are not "long term" and people tend to bounce from person to person.

HOWEVER, people who have made a commitment early in their relationship and who work at it stand a much better chance of surviving as a couple especially if honesty plays a major role in the relationship.

Many gay men don't have long term relationships (IMHO) mainly because they have been "trained" by society that long term gay relationships are wrong by not allowing them to marry.

Unfortunately the vast number of gay men who have been in long term relationships are almost unheard because many of these couples have had to remain "hidden" from society, family and friend do to fear of being out and ostracized. They have learned to hide their relationships and live under the radar and just be "roommates" rather than a loving couple.

You have to take into account that anyone who would have been in a long term relationship would have had to have started that relationship at a time when gay bigotry made it almost impossible to come out of the closet nevermind even considering having a questionable relationship.

Add in the mix that the better part of a "gay" generation (ours) was lost to the tragedy of AIDS.

The bright spot is there are more and more younger men now (esp in urban areas), where having a LTR is more accepted and practiced.

Look at cities such as NY, San Fran and Provincetown where you are more likely to see 2 men with at stroller!

Unknown said...

Frank,

Don't give up hope. I know there are guys out there that want to have longterm monogamous relationships. You just have to find each other. And strange as it seems, CL isn't a bad place to start. You never know what can develop.

Just don't fixate on it. Take your time, invest in your parents, family, work, job, church. Hopefully, when you least expect it, it (he) will appear.