This evening I attended my gay married men's support group.
Yes, I'm still involved with this group although I have been separated for almost two years. I've been a part of this group for many, many years, and I have a wonderful network of supportive friends that I have made there. So, I still go....and plan to continue to go.
Tonight the facillitator talked about how he has known many men who've come through the group who, once they have separated and divorced, go on to thrive in their new gay life.
That stuck with me.
Why is it that I'm not thriving? I continue to "bob and weave" in this experience that I have come to know as my life. One drama leads to another....and another.
All I want is to be happy. I mean truly happy. I want to be surrounded by love and respect from my friends....and maybe from one special person. However, I've got to tell you, I've been wondering if I am boyfriend or partner material. My life with Lovey has nearly destroyed any sense of self-esteem I thought I ever had.
I want to be a good bf or partner. I think I am going to make some man a damn fine one.... But these are only my thoughts and wishes. In reality, all I have is a very poor track record consisting of a very sad bad marriage.
I wonder if I would have been doing better now if I had quite my job....sold my house and moved to another area and just started over again? Are there just too many ghosts and ememories for me here?
I need to be thriving, bt I'm not.
What can I do to thrive?
2 comments:
Hey Frank...
All kinds of thoughts come to mind as I read this. Here are a random few of them.
I respect your sense of not feeling like you're thriving yet, but I can't help thinking of all of the amazing steps you've taken with your life, your house, your relationships.
One of my truths is that in order to thrive I must first survive. (And survival cannot be taken for granted.)
Someone who didn't know you better might think you've just kept your head above water (stable at work, with family, in your house) but it seems more accurate to me that you've de-constructed much of your life, given up a lot of long-term assumptions about who you are and lost a few significant relationships -- taken a bit hit, in other words -- but pulled things back together. That's huge, huge, progress.
For a lot of folks in the midst of big changes, the process is complicated by their less-than-wise choices to spread their wings too widely, too quickly. You haven't added that kind of trauma to the mix, and that strikes me as smart.
Day by day, step by step, we keep moving forward, eh? I wish it would happen faster on my core issues, too, but I'll take what I can get.
Take care...
--Steve
Frank,
As the alcoholics say, time takes time. I know that you WILL come to thrive, even though you're not feeling it yet... at least I'm rooting for you to find all of the happiness that life can offer you.
Best wishes.
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