Days like today are so tough.
It was rainy and gloomy the majority of the day. However, during early evening the clouds seemed to part and the blue sky appeared.
But nothing happened to improve my mood.
I spent my entire day cleaning the house and shampooing carpets. I want things to look half-way decent when the daughter from El Salvador comes for a visit. So we'll see.
As I went about my day cleaning, running the dishwasher, and just doing a multitude of chores, I couldn't help but think about my life and how far I have come. I'm pretty happy with how things have turned out. And those fits of sadness that used to do me in seem to have vanished for the most part.
However, left in its wake is a very strong need to connect with someone. Intimately.....emotionally....physically.....and just be in someone's presence who will just at times be there for nothing more than to hold me. OR....someone to let me lie down next to after a long day.....or to nap with on a lazy rainy Saturday or Sunday afternoon.
Oh I have said this a number of times.
You get the idea.
Spent some time with Mr. Office this afternoon. (Yeah, him!) Would you believe more mixed signals? The big lingering hug.....the peck on the lips......this time he snuggled up next to me as we sat close to one another......and then he turned and tried to tickle me. I'm not ticklish. But I turned around and did the same to me. For a few short minutes, I rested my head onhis shoulder.
It felt so right....and I felt so complete.
But there was nothing more from him. Nothing to encourage me to keep it there for long.........he didn't rub my neck....or run his hand through my hair. Nothing endearing.....nothing affectionate...really...
So, when we parted company this evening, it left me with a sense of sadness....of longing......of some emptiness.
Why are there such mixed signals with him? Is he playing me? Is he really trying to drive me crazy?
But I refuse to push it. I need the other guy to be the first one to make the move. I'm tired of doing that....only to do something silly....or to put my foot in it.....or make guys feel really uncomfortable.
I long to be held....to be someone's special someone.....to have someone come up and hold me....or kiss my cheek....or to feel like I can talk about anything....or say anything without someone correcting me or rebuking me as Lovey used to.
Maybe one day it will happen.
I need prayer..
6 comments:
Frank;
Just wondering, would Mr. Office say that you are also sending him mixed signals? I understand that you do not want to come on as a “desperate queen”; and I fully support that. But you are confused, and I think that you have the right to know if he is wants you as a friend (that signal seems clear enough) or anything more. A simple statement like “I have come to value your friendship, and I am not sure if (insert some specific gesture here) is something that you do with all of your friends or was something special – either way I did enjoy it” might clear up the matter without driving him away.
Rick
Frank, You will find the right guy, I'm sure. It doesn't seem like it is Mr. Office, though. But maybe you should try Rick's advice and be direct about it. It can't hurt.
And just keep being yourself. You'll find the right guy when you least expect it. John
I confess that I stumbled upon your blog while searching for "lonely gay man" on Google, as that best describes my current feelings (succinct or vague as it is). Everything you said in this entry is ringing too loud and clear for me, and I deeply sympathize with you. My immediate reaction is, "I want to be that shoulder he can lean on!" but of course, this entry is all I know of you at this moment, so I ought to learn more about you first...
Coming home to an empty house and feeling in need of just touch and having someone simply BE there is so important (ever heard the song "Being Alive" from the musical "Company"?). And while I am not completely lacking in the friends department, there is a bit of a void in the area of finding someone to share meaningful, intimate contact with...
I will browse your other entries and profile...Would you be interested in meeting up somewhere for a drink or lunch? Again, I don't know if we will click as friends or whatnot, but I feel like I want to meet you and talk to you a bit...
FYI, I am in the Annandale region, am 29 (soon to be 30) and living a rather quiet life by myself. Hope to talk to you soon.
In the meantime, thank you for expressing your feelings in this post. Know that you are definitely NOT alone, and I am hoping that you will find that warmth in your life very very soon. :)
-- Marc
Oh my, all this is so close to my feelings.
Frank, it helps to read your thoughts. I hope it helps you to put it to paper. It sounds like you are handling it by keeping busy. I know these feelings still sneak in to your mind.
To repeat what others have said, you are not alone.
Does that help. I will answer for you, "a little." But loneliness is still there.
I am encouraged that I will end this loneliness some day just reading your experiences.
I find I am not alone with these damned thoughts.
Whatever makes us gay should come with a "handles being alone well" gene too, or at least a blinking light on our heads so we know who else is same sex oriented so we don't all just pass each other by.
I'm Going to be 49 soon, out since 24 and yet to have a boyfriend, someone to love etc etc.. Depressed and ready to give up. It's not worth the pain anymore. Thought being a good person, honest, easy going, caring, fit, smart no drugs etc.. I'd be a catch.., the gay worlds a mess. Casual sex open relationships, forget all the dating apps, all just hook ups despite me saying I want otherwise.. Hope my next life is better...
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