The Visitors

My daughter has been playing hostess to three Peace Corps volunteers this week. It has been so interesting to have the chatter and all the laughter flooding my house in the middle of the night.

Last night when I came in, exhausted from a very long day, I was greatly disturbed to find that my guest toilet was clogged. I have never seen a toilet so clogged.

I spent a lot of time snaking....and plunging......and using a wire coat hanger. All to no avail.

So, because of all the guests, I called the plumber.

After three and a half hours and $300, all systems are moving and the water is once again flowing freely.

The plumber, a bear of a young man, was very entertaining. He stayed at my house just alking for 3.5 hours. (It only took him about 20 minutes to remove the clog, which turned out to be a wad of papertowels.....six of them to be exact.

We learned all about how he became a plumber.....how plumbing works......how hot water tanks works......water treatment plants work.....etc.

It turns out that he is 34 years old, married, and has a 3 year old daughter and a 7 year old son plus two English Mastifs.

I really did enjoy him.

He was so personable....and kind....with a real gentleness. But I noticed that when he talked to me....there was "that" look. The one that pierces your very soul and drives deep into the bone. I watched as he talked with Jessica. He wasn't that way with her. Oh my goodness.

It turns out that he not only works for a firm that I found in the Yellow Pages, but he also does private contacting on the side. I told him about some other problems that we have, and he is willing to help us out....on a Friday or a Saturday when not working for the other firm.

So, he would certainly be a great person to get to know. Who knows, perhaps he may be family?

Time will tell.

After all we are everywhere!

God knows...

I'm tired. I have a broken small toe on my right foot. The foot is totally swollen...and the toe is the right color.....the ones next to it have now inherited the bruising. So, being a diabetic, I am watching this very carefully to make sure there are no big problems that could develop.

This afternoon after work was a good one. I got to spend good quality time with a kind and loving friend who helped me to feel like I mattered. I really needed that today.

You know who you are...

It offered some comfort....and a sense of completeness that I needed. He knew it...and he knew just what to do.

My love life is still kind of in limbo. I've met a number of gentlemen who are potential bfs.... They are all so busy. It makes me feel kind of odd in that these men are so wrapped up with their lives....and their friends....that, in one's words, "I don't have time for romance."

Frustrating at best.

At Pride on Sunday, I met up with someone that I have just gotten to know during the past few months. His situation is that he has been married for a very long time. His wife knows and is supportive. In fact she went to the PRIDE festival with him. So, it was my first time to meet her. The man sets my heart aflutter....and it scares me a bit. I don't know how to read his signals. So, I'm not sure what to think. At Pride he apologized for not spending more time with me....he has had some physical limitations due to surgery earlier this week on a bum knee. But he had to leave....because he was tired. When I hugged him goodbye....he kissed me in front of his wife!

That, coupled with some other comments, has led me to wonder if he is feeling something. He has explained that his wife is wanting him to find someone and to "be happy."

So who knows? I go through very long periods of time where I don't hear from him....and then I get signals like this.

Old Frank is learning to be content in his life...and with himself. It is a very slow process. I feel the pressure a bit because of the fact that I am not getting any younger. God knows I'd like to have someone that I can have some quality time with before I get so old and decrepit that I can't enjoy him.

But, the comforting thing to me is that yes, God knows!

Birthdays

My twin daughters turned 26 today. They are now the exact same age that I was when they came into my life.

It is truly mind-boggling. It's as if I have turned around and the time is gone. My life has changed completely...and will never, ever be the same.

I have had a very busy day. I'm exhausted.... We had a lowkey celebration for my eldest daughter here with her grandma and great aunt. Her sister celebrated with 25 of her closest friends down in Nashville.

I am now exhausted....

When I get this way, I get a little down. I think it is more physical than emotional. But still, when I feel this way....I begin pondering my life....and a twinge of loneliness sets in. It's hard to describe. But it is there...nonetheless.

It's a rainy night here in DC...and I'm ready for bed.

Just wish I had someone to hold and be held by.

A Funny Story From Pride

My VERY hetero friend Greg is a photographer. He's teaching me about various techniques for taking lots of good pictures. He's helped me a lot.

Well, I told him a few weeks ago about PRIDE and I asked him if he would like to go too...and shoot some pictures. He thought about it and agreed to go.

So we went both to the parade....and the festival today. He's such a good sport....and he is certainly a straight ally.

But for all his open mindedness....there are some things that happened today that cracked me up.

First, as we walked down Pennsylvania Avenue enjoying the sunshine and the people....we approached the RADICAL FAERIES booth. This is a group of gay men who celebrate their gayness in unique ways....mostly whimsical. They dress in fairy like costumes with wands and such. As we approached the booth....three of them came out with golden colored penis shaped wands.

Of course they went to Greg. He, after all, is the buff, former military mahn that is all business....and is all macho. The rotund member of the RFs approached him with his wand and said, "Would you like for me to bless your crotch?"

I thought Greg was gonna drop his 35mm digital camera.... He caught his breath....and offered a slight smile and said, "I don't think so!"

I roared.

Later on in the day, he and I got separated ....and he got marooned in a tent with gay men during a brief thundershower. When he and I caught up with one another near the end of the day, he said, "Frank, I got you something!"

I said, "Oh you did? What is it?"

He threw a t-shirt at me....it's a nice t-shirt by the way...BUT...

Emblazoned across the chest it read: "ASK AND TELL....MANHUNT.COM"

I looked at him and said, "I suppose your wife or kids wouldn't understand that would they?"

He looked at me rather deadpannish and said...."I don't think so!"

We both laughed....and he thanked me for introducing him to my world.

What a great friend to have!

Thoughts on Pride....

Today was the big GAY PRIDE festival in DC. That's out country artist Chely Right to the left. Yeah, that's an original picture that I took! Guess you could say that I'm improving my technique.

Last night was the big PRIDE PARADE.

I went to both and let me tell you...I had a BALL!

I look at it as a celebration of the man that God made me to be. I get to see the community in all its diversity. I also observe that I'm not the only one like me...and there is tremendous affirmation in knowing that.

One thing that touched me was a group of teenagers who marched by in last night's parade. There they were....laughing and proud of the fact that they knew who they are...and are not ashamed. AND...they have their whole lives ahead of them.

Today I mingled with all the good folks in my denomination. We had a booth and handed out fliers and stickers and all kinds of "stuff". I got to meet a lot of the ministers in my area that I did not know. It just felt great.

One older gentleman who had been partnered over 50 years when his partner died from cancer a few years ago....was handing out church stuff to all the folks who came by....and he told me that this was his first PRIDE!

Today during all the celebrating....an older couple went to the RAINBOW STAGE. One of the men helped his partner lovingly with his walker. There they stood, a bit stoop shouldered, but they told their story to all those assebled. They met each other 30 years ago today. Do you know what they did in front of all of us? They had a pastor there and they married each other! They were over joyed. Not a dry eye was left in those who witnessed it.

Near the conclusion of the pride celebration today and just before headliner, Chely Wright took the stage, the host invited them to the main stage on Pennsylvania Avenue. There in front of the hundreds or so people present, under a brilliant blue sky, with the white Capitol Building gleaming behind them, they were presented publicly for the first time as a MARRIED couple. The crowd erupted into cheers.

Oh there were the extremists present too.....the ones running around in leather jock straps......or in speedos that barely covered the important parts. Their were the drag queens....and the muscle gods..... But there were regular guys like me.....and older guys like the ones I mentioned......and we were there to celebrate our lives.

I keep hoping to one day have a partner.... One that I can walk down Pennsylvania Avenue on Pride day and hold his hand....or kiss him in front of the main stage...or just sit and listen and hold him close.

One day I'm gonna have all that!

And it's gonna be something!

Happy Pride Everyone!

Remembering June 9, 2005

It's June 9.

Five years ago today (June 9, 2005), my hell began. It was a long dark night...and I remembering being in such pain I could hardly move one foot in front of me. The pain was to the bone. For the first time I felt vulnerable, alone...and rejected...totallly.

Early on in this blog (and all those entries are still available for reading), I dwelled on the negative. I couldn't see any good. All I felt was rejection. I was not used to rejection. My wife had rejected me. My then boyfriend (the married one) also backed off because he said that "he loved me enough to let me go, since he wasn't prepared to leave his wife for me -- and I needed someone full time." So in the span of a few short months, I left my wife...and the man I thought would be my life partner.

All my church friends, (the ones at the church that Lovey and I had been members of), evaporated. Lovey then began outting me to everyone who would listen. I felt naked....abused.....wronged.

I wanted to hide....and never emerge from it.

All her family was told about my gayness...

The only folks who stuck by me were two men from the church.....my kids....and my parents.

I remember waking up one morning and realizing that I had no friends, no community of faith to help me through it. My pastor even turned his back on me. While he was on sabbatical at the Pentagon, his interim minister turned her back.

This separation and divorce wrecked me...or so I thought.

I wanted to die.

My life as I knew it died.

The only outlet I had was here.

And I wrote.....and I wrote.....and I wrote.

It became therapy for me and has remained so.

Thank God for all that.

So, let's think about this now for a few moments. I was married for 25.5 years. I had all the trappings that a straight marriage brings you: the house, the cars, the wife, the kids, the great job, the church, and friends.

Many gay married men are so afraid to come out of the the closet....to friends...to their wives....understandably so. I've been there and know what that's like. But I came out to Love in 1982. Thus began a 15 year quest to change. Due to my spiritual upbringing, I was prayed over....I had demons cast out of me....I joined a 12-step program called Homosexual's Anonymous...(since then it has become a 14-step program). I repressed....I pretended.....I flung myself into church work. But, you cannot change the core person you are.

In 1997 I was exhausted and planning to kill myself. I had it all figured out. The world would be such a better place without me. But then, I sought help from a gay-affirming church (the one I now am a member of), and then I began my journey to acceptance.

Yes, in 2005 I began my journey through hell. I separated. I divorced.

Here in 2010, I am a single gay man. (Hopefully I will meet the man of my dreams soon.) I still have the house and put my on particular stamp of ownership to it. I no longer have to go through Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the 12 disciples, both Houses of Congress, and the President to do something -- I just do it now. I have the cars (newer and better), no wife (thank God), the kids love me fiercely, the great job,a new and more healthy and affirming church, and a ton of new friends!

Not too shabby is it?

So, dear friends. If you are struggling with the gay thing....and you find yourself miserable, suicidal and depressed. Don't hurt yourself. But start looking around at your life to see what you can do to make it better. Sometimes the things that we think are the hardest, turn out to open the floodgates of peace.

Come out....be who God created you to be. Who cares what folks think?

You need to be healthy....and enjoying the blessings of living....and of your sexuality.

Y'All Are Back!!

I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised to see interest in my blog dwindling to NOTHING over the last few months since I haven't been writing anything. As I said earlier, I decided to take a few months off because I felt like I had nothing to say and I did not want this to be a whinefest. It kind of felt like thats all I was doing: wallowing and whining about my sorry lot in life.

I'm now trying to turn this blog around to discuss more relavant issues facing single, mature gay men. After all, I have survived separation, divorce, alienation from the ex, and now I am trying to negotiate life on brand new terms....and trying to become more comfortable in gay dating and related social situations.

Since I never had real dating experiences with women other than my ex-wife, this gay male dating thing is totally foreign to me. I have had many fits and starts -- mostly fits. The one "relationship" I had last year ended badly...and resulted in the breakup of a good friendship because the "boyfriend" (really I don't even know that it was that). Let's start over. The much younger man I was dating wound up with my ex-best friend...who knew that it was ending long before I did...and knew that he was the object of the young man's affections...but did not tell me.

So, my track record has not been the greatest when it comes to matters of the heart. Since that tragic episode (and now looking back...I realize I should never have begun dating that young man to begin with...), I have had numerous "crushes" that have gone absolutely nowhere.

So when this man caught my eye....and I apparently caught his....well....it took my breath away...and I have been afraid to get my hopes up. So...y'all who are reading...will see what happens along with me.

I am so glad to see that by my numbers...y'all are back.....and that you are following the little notes I write.

Thanks for your support....

You are loved!

OMG....Frank Just Might Have Someone....!!!

I suppose I am eating crow now. At least I should be.

The man that came into my life unexpectedly...did follow through this evening -- not for dinner, but for a diet coke and a chocolate shake at a nearby McDonalds. We chatted for over two hours....and at the end when we had solved all the world's problems and he had told me all about himself.....he asked, "Well, have I scared you totally away?" When I said "No!", he smiled very broadly and responded "Good...you're a nice guy."

In the course of saying good night....he gave me two bear hugs and two pecks on the lips and said that we are going to get together sometime next week. He wants to do a full-fledged dinner out....and earlier in the evening this round!

This weekend is Pride in DC...and he thinks that we might meet up...and watch the parade...and have dinner together then too!

So, there is a God in heaven.....and he apparently knows my name!

WOW!

I am guardedly optimistic!

Are All Gay Men Flaky?

Well, here am I...burned again. I swear, I am beginning to wonder where all the good men are.

The guy that I met last week....that seemed like good bf material apparently has flaked out like all the others. Yup. He contacted me and said that he wanted to go to dinner tomorrow night or Thursday night. Thursday night is booked for me....and so I told him that Monday night was best. I asked him what he wanted to do foodwise.

As of this evening....Sunday evening....silence. So, I assume that we are not going to have dinner.

He now joins the club of two other possible men....and those two both say that they are too busy for romance.

I am a very busy man too. But I always have time for friends....or time for possible romance. I seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

So, in the meantime, I went to the Gay Men's Chorus Pride concert this afternoon on the campus of George Washington University in Washington, DC. It was excellent and uplifting. The eye candy was overwhelming. One man in particular I just could not take my eyes off. WHEW.

It is so frustrating not to be able to have someone in my life. I am so tired of whining about it too. But it's there. It's painfully lonely. But, there is nothing I can do. I put myself out there where the gay guys are.....and those that express an interest are TOO busy.

I purposely play low key....and not appear desperate. Still, I am a 52yo single man.....and the primary market in the gay world appears to be buff 20 something.

I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle this.

Quiet Saturday

Today has been rather quiet, which is just the way I like my Saturdays to be. My daughter, Jessica, is off to an office picnic/party about 45 miles south of here. Tonight we are going to a cookout amongst friends out west of here.

Summer has officially begun.

It's time for good fun....friends and food.

My office is keeping me quite busy. I had planned to take next week off and spend it with my folks in WV, but everything is happening at the office....and I can't leave...not now.

I am feeling somewhat tired. I did not sleep well last night.

There's a new man in my life. We met this week and he has emailed me a couple of times about having dinner on Monday evening.

Stay tuned.

What's Wrong With Me???

I must confess that today was a very strange day...from start until finish.

This entire weekend has not been what I had planned. But I tried to make the most of it in spite of being disappointed. I suppose this weekend wasn't good because of the anniversary of the divorce -- even though I made a point of keeping busy with a host of different projects Still, in spite of my best efforts, I chose to clean out the junk room. It's my spare room that I hope to shortly convert into an office. It contained all the junk I did not know what to do with after Lovey departed this building on June 20, 2006. So, I was looking at having to do something with a room full of stuff that had been sitting there undisturbed for four whole years. (This is the room that I tried to do away with while my daughter was gone to El Salvador....but the hurt and everything was just too fresh to worry with. I spent the majority of that time in tears...and overcome with grief. I threw everything back in there to be dealt with at a later time -- NOW!

This go round I chose to do it on this weekend where I was feeling odd to begin with.....and wouldn't you know, I found some old cards and letters that Lovey had written during the few good times of our marriage. It added to my gloom. BUT...I was able to destroy those few items....and toss a host of garbage away. I emptied about 5 large boxes of stuff.....and about 10 garbage bags of junk that is now sitting on the curb for pickup in the morning.

I suppose I am making progress here. No tears....no feeling sorry for myself, just a feeling of odd detachment.

Some friends are playing cards tomorrow night.....and I've been invited to join in. Tonight a friend from my men's retreat in January called me up out of the blue to get some encouragement. He thanked me for listening to him....and he told me what a good friend I was.

Oddly, his call made me feel better....

At least I am having an impact on someone's life.

It's now getting late.....and I guess I need to head to bed.

It has been a long weekend.

Eye Candy

A big day here....I had some duties to perform at church....then I shot some photos at a botanical garden today that I had never visited. Then, I came home and went to see SEX AND THE CITY 2!

It was a great movie....forget about what the critics had to say about it. It was exceedingly gay friendly....and there was a ton of great eye candy. Some of the scenery took my breath away for sure.

Oddly, when I see stuff like this....it sometimes has a boomerang effect on me. It brings me down a bit. So, I am working to "bounce back" yet again: counting my blessings...and remembering all the friends that I have. I also reflect on how far I have come and that it's all going to work out eventuallly.

Movies tend to tell fictional stories and make it appear that there are no real problems....that everyone gets someone at the end....and they live happily ever after.

Not so in real life....

Sunday Morning

So, as I write this today, my church clothes are in the dryer. I always try to make myself somewhat presentable so at least I look half-way decent. Perhaps someone will be there that could be the start of a magical journey.

But, in actuality, more often than not, this is not the case.

Still I hope.

Love In The Gay World

I enjoy certain types of pornography -- not just any old type that leaves nothing to the imagination. I don't like the pictures that actually show tab A being inserted in to slot B. Those types of closeups do not do anything for me in the least. For all I know, those closeups of those body parts could be of any two of the ugliest people on earth doing the nasty.....

But I like the kind that leaves a lot to the imagination. I like the porn that leaves your heart racing....your breathing a little shallower. Why? Because the models seem to be into each other... They don't seem to be having just recreational sex for the purpose of getting off.....but they seem to be making love to each other.

I suppose this is because that I have reached a stage in my life....where I'm not looking for the thrill of hooking up. I want someone in my life that is special....with that emotional connection. The one guy that I don't have to worry about running off with the next guy he sees....or run back to the one that he just had. I want a man that is proud to be affiliated with me....and he makes it clear that he wants me.

Gay dating is weird. You meet all kinds of men. Recently I met a man who actually flirted with me. I flirted back. We talked for a long time. He told me that he was looking for someone to date. He wanted to know if I was into dating and I said yes. So he invited me to his house for a home cooked meal. He is a GREAT cook.

I thought we might get to cuddle....or just hold hands.... But upon my arrival to his house...he had out of town guests....and we had our meal with them. We then went to a movie and came back. Never heard from him again until one day several weeks later.

He was all over me.

He went to lunch with me.

He flirted again.

I walked him to his car and hugged him goodbye. But no real substantive communication since.

This has happened repeatedly.

I must attract these types. I don't think it's me that has done something wrong.

Oh who knows.

Gay men can be so fickle.....

New Directions

I've decided that I need to begin sharing some more different kinds of thoughts on my blog. I think I have finished whining about the divorce...and the pain....and the woe.....and the grief......and the feelings of hurt......

It's beginning to bore me.

So, I'm gonna begin sharing more of my direct thoughts.....possibly some fantasies....and perhaps even some pictures of things that interest me as a gay man. As in the past, I will do very little sanitizing....but I'm gonna let the warts and all shine through. I am not perfect and do not live the perfect life.....but I' gonna just be honest with you.

Remembering May 29, 2007

Well, today is my anniversary -- the anniversary of my divorce from Lovey. The neat thing about this is that I spent a great deal of time today busy with other stuff, and it only occurred to me that this is the day!

I have been a divorced man for 3 whole years!

I can hardly believe it. Time has flown by.

And I survived.

Oh, I still get twinges of the hurt....and the sadness.....but I have to say, I am in a good place now. This is in spite of the fact that I am alone....I have no special man in my life....and I really have to think about the fact of growing old alone.

This is certainly not the life I had planned for myself.

But then, I was such a Pollyanna. I thought that life always went to your plan. Oh, I believed that occasionally life threw you a curve, but that all in all, the destination would take care of itself...because after all, I had laid the framework and I would be okay.

I made no contingencies for life as a single man.....no contingencies as a single gay man.....no contingencies for being a single gay man with adult kids.

I thought I would grow old with the one person that I walked aisle with.....the woman I chose as my lifemate....in spite of the gay thing.

Man, I was wrong.

So here I am.

Today was a good day. None of my guy friends contacted me about any plans today to kick off Memorial Day Weekend. But, a host of my lesbian buds did. It was so funny to be the token gay male there in a sea of lesbians. But we all laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. We all camped it up a bit. We had lots of fun just being together and relaxing with a grill cooked hamburger, chips, dip, macaroni and potato salads, grilled veggies....sodas....and then we made 'smore on the open fire.

Not a bad way to start the weekend.

It would have been neat to have a special man beside me....someone I could reach over and hold his hand.

Oh, it's the romantic in me I guess.

But, he wasn't there......and he's not here in my life tonight. So, the only man in my life is me. I am learning to like that....and take care of that relationship.

One of the girls said that she had learned in her life, that in order for her to be attractive to another woman, or to be able to be in love with another woman, she had to be attractive and love herself first.

I guess she is right.

I'm working to make that transition in my own heart as well.

For the longest time, I have had to deal with a poor self-image....low self esteem....shyness.....and my hyper sensitivity to rejection. That last one is still giving me fits. But I try.

So, as I get ready to jump into my bed, I have to remember that I am so much better off than at anytime when I was married to a woman. I am happier....I am more content.....and that I have grown immensely.

This does not mean I have arrived.

But I'm still on the journey.....learning new stuff about me...and my world.

Ray Boltz is True

In case you haven't heard, Ray Boltz, the successful Christian Artist who sang such hits as "Thank You", "The Altar", and "The Anchor Holds" -- to name a few -- blew the door off his closet's hinges almost two years ago to the world. His revelation has set fundamentalist Christianity on its ear and as you could guess, that community is all atwitter with comments about how he wasn't a true Christian, or "isn't it awful that he has chosen this godless lifestyle", etc.

I suppose since I have walked in similar shoes as Mr. Boltz, I don't see this that way at all.

I see a True Christian who has labored to be faithful to his Lord and to his family, but in the process realized that he was falling short of the image he thought he had to live up to.

Fast forward two years and we now have a brand new album by the artist, simply entitled TRUE. He's being true to himself and living authentically. He's being authentic to his family.

This authenticity certainly shows in the album. By far it is my favorite and it touches on real issues like being who God meant you to be; don't listent to those who accuse gay folks like us of having an agenda, when all we want is to be happy and free to live our lives and our dreams. He even touches on gay bashing and on guys who are "Queens."

In all honesty, I always found his earlier work to be over the top and filled with all kinds of Christian cliches. I also thought they were a little lengthy. With 13 tracks on the current album, I find this album too short and wishing it were longer.

Oh, I'm sure the naysayers are gonna continue to expend a lot of their energy thumping their Bibles and casting Boltz into hell. My response is, let God be God and let Ray be Ray.

Ray Boltz is the real deal. His new authenticity shows in his music....and the cover of the album shows him today (see above).....his eyes look alive....and he looks happy....and blessed!

The album TRUE is available for download through I-Tunes! Go get it....NOW!

Oil Leak

Ok everyone, we have all heard about that awful oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico that is threatening sea life throughout that area and beyond. It's a perfect illustration of how I have been feeling lately.

These past two months that I have taken off from this blog have given me plenty of time to reflect. You long time readers of this blog know the trauma and difficulty I experienced during the early days of my separation and then the awful divorce. At times, I literally felt like I was losing my mind. At the time I was accused of wallowing in self-pity...some readers suggested I simply "get over it!"

But, this was my life that I felt was crumbling. I felt wronged.

Many women wrote to say how offended they were with me because I could not see poor Lovey's (the ex wife) awful lot in this mess.

I got into tussles...and I went on the defense....and I got additional hurts.

But the good news of all this is it has been 5 years post separation and almost 3 years post final divorce decree and I'm okay.

Well, sort of.

Sometimes I feel like I am the Gulf of Mexico.....and the relationship I had with Lovey....and all that debris I have worked so hard to come away from is that awful oil spill. You see, occasionally a belch of blackness surfaces on my calm sea of moving on. It coats my entire being with blackness....and bitterness.....and profound sadness.

I then work hard to disperse it all. And then, after a while it's gone...until the next time.

I'm not sure what brought this latest belch of blackness to my surface. Perhaps it's the fact that the anniversary of the divorce is in a couple of days....or maybe it was because Lovey once again has inserted herself into my life this week.

I have so much I want and need to say to her. But I'm afraid if I do, it is really going to be nuclear. I have been holding on to so much....I am ready to blow sky high with it all in one massive explosion.

After much thought....it's not the fact that she divorced me that's the problem. I understand she exercised her right to do so. But several issues remain that have engendered deep bitterness, anger and hostility toward her.

1. We were married for 25.5 years. She knew of my struggles for 24.5 years. I tried my hardest to be the kind of husband I thought she needed. She was never happy. In looking back over that significant period of time, I can honestly say now, I never felt she loved me. I look around at married folk I know. I see the love in their eyes and their actions. Sadly, I never experienced it. What an indictment of my life!

2. She said repeatedly that the gay thing was not what did our marriage in. I must say that I agree. Finances were not good because I spent much money trying to keep us out of the red. She spent and spent and spent. I used credit cards to cover those expenditures. Not once did she accept any responsibility of this. But placed the blame with me.

3. Although she admitted that the gay thing was not the reason for our divorce, she set about hurting me in any way she could. She was vindictive. When questioned by our many friends at her church and they would say, "Why, Lovey, are you dumping Frank? He has been so good to you and is so supportive of everything you have ever wanted to do? Why now? After all this time?" Thinking anything else would make her look bad, she went on a rampage of outting me...and saying that I had made her life hell. Well, this gave her tons of sympathy....but a few didn't just let her explanation end there. They pressed and asked, "How long have you known?" When she responded by saying over 24 years...they just kind of looked at her...and withdrew completely from her.

4. As she neared her quest for ordination, she enlisted my help to videotape her serving communion at her churches. I spent two weekends with her doing just that. I edited the file and created DVDs for her to send with her paper work for ordination. Overall, I had spent well over 25 years supporting her quest for respect as a minister......and seeing that she had all the necessary stuff to be ordained.

In the end, I wound up being persona non grata at the ordination ceremony, and that hurt.

Bad.

5. I was accused wrongly of all kinds of apparent wrongs and never allowed to defend myself.

So.

It's not the divorce that has had me reeling for these years -- it's all the stuff she did in order to make herself look good and to save face during the divorce that hurt. The accusations that weren't true. The outright lies that were told. The picture that was painted of me that made it appear that I was a sinister gay man....wanting to live a lie.....wanting to have my cake and eat it too....duping Lovey into marrying me.......making her life hell.

Get the picture?

That image of me is not the Frank I am at all -- hence the anger....the bitterness....the hostility.

I am working to cap this oil leak of black, belching "stuff"...but like BP and the Gulf of Mexico, it's not an easy job.

Wednesday Night

Last night was a bit busy for me. Last winter I had attended a gay men's retreat in Northern Virginia. There were 15 of us who met at a church not far from my house. We talked about all aspects of Gay Spirituality including church, religion, and sex. My spirits were certainly buoyed by the fact that I had made new friends and attended to my spiritual needs.

This particular retreat was the first of its kind. The facillitator has done a good job at keeping the group together and we meet every month to share a meal and to catch up with one another. It certainly builds community and friendships.

Earlier this month, the facillitator hosted the second retreat. Again, he had about 15 attendees. They all had the same experience as the rest of us. Last night we (the first group) hosted a potluck dinner for the new group. We all got to share and to get to know one another. It really was quite neat.

One man told the story of how he had been married for 38 years, when his wife passed away about a year or so ago. He now feels free to finally experience life as what he was meant to be. He is deep in his closet...but cautiously exploring life.

Another man shared how his divorce after 20 years left him with a warm relationship with his ex-wife.....and how he had met his partner who was also going through a divorce...a bad one. Between the two men, they have three children and live in a house in DC.

So the entire evening was spent sharing each of our stories.

Several of us who have FACEBOOK accounts encouraged the other to contact us and become our friends. One of my new friends (the man with the blended family) friended me today...and I was shocked to find out that I know his partner. AND...on top of that.....his partner is not someone that I respect or like.

Guess that means that I will be keeping my mouth shut...and just watching how all this unfolds. He isn't a high caliber person. He kind of has the personality of a gnat. And he has the reputation of being somewhat "loose."

I can understand why that divorce was bad. As I recall, he was a jerk to his wife.

So, I sit and ponder the same old question. How do people like that wind up with partners?

Clearly I don't understand all this. I may have standards that are unattainable and this may be my problem. WHEW!

I'm Back After a Long Break!

It has been about two months since my last post. I apologize. I have gone through a somewhat dry period in my writing and I just needed a break.

My lack of writing new material has taken its toll on this blog as the number of visitors has plummeted. So, rather than erase my 4 year labor of love, I felt a nudge to begin writing here again.

I have entertained thoughts of writing a new blog from an entirely different perspective, but I just can't get away from the thought of rising "Out of the Ashes."

So, here I am.

My parents have been through the mill with their cancer. Each has lung cancer. Mom is in full remission and has been so for a year and a half. Dad was diagnosed in November...and it looks like he is going to be on chemo as a maintenance regimen for the rest of his life. In a couple of weeks, he will be undergoing cyber knife surgery to remove a tumor that has shrunk drastically since November.

I have so very much to be thankful for.

Meanwhile, my daughter Jessica has started a new job in Washington DC for the federal government. As you may remember, she returned from her Peace Corps duty in El Salvador almost a year ago. It has taken her that long to get this job. She is very thrilled.

On my front...yes, I am still gay. I continue to reach out and make new friends. And, I keep my eyes open for candidates as partners. In the meantime, I've met some people who at first blush seemed like the answers to my prayers. But, warning flags were raised when they started going down the bondage path.....or the erotic bowel movement path....etc.

I think you get the idea.

I don't know why it seems so hard in the gay world to find a regular guy for companionship....and for love -- plain and simple. The kind of love where you can grow old together and just experience the joys of day-to-day living. I have often fantasized about meeting someone where I can just sit and hold his hand in quiet moments. My favorite scenario is when I can be curled up on the couch with him and rest my head in his lap while we each read the Saturday or Sunday paper. Or plan trips to the beach...or just doing something fun. I would love for him to love my kids as his own.

I look around me and see people of every size and persuasions who have a special person in their lives and I suffer from private longing. I look at well known gay people who have just come out....and they already have partners! Chely Wright.....Ray Boltz......Jennifer Knapp all come to mind.

It makes me feel like screaming...."What in the world is wrong with me?"

But I plunge myself into my work.....or my church work.....or just the business of living. I put myself into groups of gay men all the time. I look around me and wonder....what it takes to find and to fall in love.

Oh....then there are the unspoken crushes. I see some guys that would be perfect boyfriend material. But I am just waaaaaaay tooooooooo shy to pursue it. I always wonder why I have to be the initiator.

So, I'm in a rut. I know this.

But I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I am trying to be satisfied with me. I am trying to like myself. I'm trying to enjoy my company and to keep busy. This goes a long way to combat the loneliness that sometimes threatens to sink me.

'nuff said for now.