Keeping the Train in Motion

As dawn breaks over the DC metro area, your gay pal Frank is busy at work trying to determine the best course of action to take in order to get estate issues settled for his parents...and moving down the track of his life.

So, Friday of this week, I am headed back to my parents' home....which is now my house....to continue the renovations that were begun in July. I plan to spend all of next week there...cleaning and getting rid of paper....and just unusable junk, which, for whatever reason, my parents did not feel the need to throw away. I also have to dig into the clothes closets to see what is there and get clothing to Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Then, I need to tackle the attics (there are two of them).... One I investigated was chocked full of "stuff." The other attic which is on the extreme top of the house I have never been in. So, I have no clue what's up "there."

There's the outbuilding....that is again filled to capacity with "stuff." Finally, in the large crawl space under our house is where my parents stored all the toys I ever played with. So, I cannot wait to see those things.

Then there is Mom's china and glassware collection, photographs, furniture, a victrola or two, old recordings, tapes, video cassettes, etc.

So, I have my work cut-out for me. AND, it's just going to be me. I know tht I can't get it all done, but I am going to take my time....and possibly mourn...alone. Then, beginning next Thursday, I have an impressive group of friends from my MCC church here coming to be with me to help paint....do yard work.....box up....etc. They are traveling EIGHT HOURS one way to be with me. I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me.

They will be spending the entire Labor Day Weekend with me....

The house is going to have new siding and windows installed. I've already redone a couple of rooms...painted...recarpeted....etc.

So the train has left the station and is slowly moving forward.

I am also thankful for the community of friends that have been introduced into my life over the last 5 years. They are quick to say how much they love me...and what a blessing I am to their lives. (I'm amazed by this.)

My main fan club is a posse of about 15 lesbians. They are firmly entrenched in my corner. A couple of them have said privately that if they were straight....and I was straight.....we'd be married. So, for a gay guy....this is indeed a high honor to have two lesbians say this about you.

But, **sigh**, I am not straight....and I have the longing for a special man in my life. There, too, however, I am blessed because in my sphere there are a few men who fit that bill. They are also of the romantic relationship quality...but the current relationships I have with each does not include romance....although at times I wish it did.

So as this train continues to chug down the track and pick up steam...there is so many goals I have.....so many dreams I have....and then there are the wishes....

Where Do I Go From Here?

When one is an only child, one contemplates the death of parents almost from day one. I was always afraid of being left as an orphan...a helpless, lonely orphan. In my childhood, I always had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when my parents would go on trips...or we would be in the car together. My mind would always picture them not coming back....or us having an automobile accident where I would be the only survivor.

It was scary.

As I have grown into adulthood, I had backup plans in place. I thought I would have my wife standing nearby to help me through the bad times. When one parent died... I thought I would have the support of the other parent until they died.

I thought my dad would always be the first to leave, and that Mom would live to a very, very old age and perhaps live with me.

But then 2005 happened....my wife became my ex. Mother was the first diagnosed with cancer. She died first and in the process of her dying, Dad, too was stricken with cancer. His mental state was not the best and he started suffering from dementia. He had to move in with me and was unable to care for himself...or his finances....or his house. He was like an orphan...and I was the parent. I cared for him until the very end.

Then he died...and now I am left as an adult, helpless and lonely orphan.

Oh, I did have the support of my children....and yes, the ex-wife did show some compassion.

But I have had to make a lot of heavy decisions...ALONE.

The gay thing has also been at work in a bizarre sort of way.

So here I am, trying to sort out the little things: what am I going to do with my parents' belongings, the house, the antiques, the china collection, the furniture, the coin collection -- all the stuff that my parents held precious and priceless.

I am surrounded by countless friends who mean the world to me. They call me to find out how I am doing. They support me through the good and bad times.

God has been faithful.

A group of my church friends are traveling to my WV house on Labor Day to help me.

I can't believe it.

I am learning to accept care....and love....and help...with out that old WV pride intervening.

I am also learning what it means to be a good friend. Gosh, I hope I have been as good to others as they are being to me at this time in my life. I will definitely pay all this forward.

CRASH!

Well, I have returned from the beach....all rested and refreshed. The only problem is that the time literally whizzed by. But I had a super good time. I really needed the vacation a lot more than I ever suspected. The years working with my terminally ill parents had certainly taken its toll. Now I am working to settle the estate stuff...and get my house in WV emptied so that I can have it rented over the fall.

Returned home and fired up my shiny new IMAC desktop....and it crashed. I don't believe that there is anything sadder than a sick MAC. Normally they work flawlessly...but something made this one die prematurely....so I wound up wiping out the hard drive and reinstalling the operating system and all the software. Things seem to be working a lot better now...but I still have not resurrected my email or ITunes....all my picture libraries are safe and sound....THANK GOD. Keep your fingers crossed.

The Beach

As I write this, it is late at night. I am locked away in my condo on the 17th Floor Condo at the beach. From my balcony, I can watch the Atlantic Ocean as its waves crash to the shore. It is incredibly soothing to be able to just sit and to be.

A few weeks ago, as I was contemplating my life of losses during the past 12 months, I decided that for my own wellbeing, I needed to get away ALONE....to process all the stuff I have been dealing with. I needed a place where I could just sit and cry if need be.

So, the only place that I felt I could really be "at home" was the beach I went to as a child with my parents. We came here first nearly 50 years ago. I've found the places we used to go. It is just so amazing now to sit and see it alone.

As I have rested and done the things I have wanted to do...I have used the time to meditate.....to my thoughts in order....and to rest. I didn't know how much I needed this time away...until I got here. So with a few more days left, I am going to begin drafting a manuscript of my thoughts on the gay thing....of loss.....of change....of new beginnings.....and use this blog as the base for it.

It may never see the light of day at a publisher....but it can't ever be published at all if it doesn't get written. So as a way to process my grief, I am going to begin the process.....take my time....and see what happens.

Keep your fingers crossed as I embark on this new labor.

I will be writing here more regularly too.

Stay tuned.

Here's a family picture taken in 1965 at a statue here in a botanical garden......and what the same statue looks like nearly 50 years later......yesterday....

Nothing pretty....

This evening has been a mess...for me.

I have had both parents on my mind....and all I seem to be able to do is fight back the tears. I am a mess....a blubbering mess.

This is all new territory for me. I thought going through the separation and divorce were bad....but it is nothing compared to this dull ache that I feel in the center of my chest because of the tremendous loss of those two people who gave me life. I feel so very alone...and there is not one thing that can be done about it to lessen this pain. In the words of one of my counsellors....there is no way to get around it, but to charge right on through the middle of it....meet it head on...and go from there.

So, as I sit and process my feelings....I'm not feeling too victorious...or particularly spiritual... about what I'm feeling. I wish that I could sit here and say..."Ah...I have given it all to the Lord!" Or that "Jesus has made me feel better!"

I can't say any of that.

I wish I could be a spiritual giant. I wish I could laugh and smile again. I wish I could feel that song in my heart...and joy in each footstep.

But....I .... can't.

I want my mom and dad back. I want to be able to scoop them up in my arms and tell them how much I love them....and how much they mean to me...

But I can't.

And it hurts...so bad.

When I started this blog five years ago....I said that it would be unvarnished....not airbrushed....not done in any way to make me look good. Not edited to take out the bad parts. But you'd have the real me.

And here I am -- warts and tears and sobs and all...

Nothing pretty for sure.

I need some sleep....

Monday

It's Monday once again. I can't believe just how quickly summer is passing -- and I must say this is not the kind of summer I had thought I would have.

The death of both my parents in such a short period of time -- and the impending death of my beloved cocker spaniel -- have taken a tremendous toll on me. Some days when I awaken, I feel as though I am in a fog. The tremendous feelings of sadness....and aloneness......and of overwhelming loss all weigh in and to be honest I feel like the walls of my life are moving in on me -- ready to squeeze what life I have left -- out of me.

Then there are those feelings of feeling truly like an orphan. Truth be told...I am one...albeit and adult one.

All this has put my life on hold as I navigate the sea of grief....

Last week I had one ray of sunshine. It came in the form of another gay man. He contacted me on one of those silly dating sites....and...he and I shared some really good emails. He sent pictures....I sent pictures.

You know the drill.

By the end of the week, he was texting me....and saying how much he was thinking about me.....and how much he enjoyed our telephone conversations and email exchanges.

So, at his insistance, we scheduled a meeting -- last Friday.

Suffice it to say that it turned out to be one of those typical gay meetings that results in all the ground you think you gained last week is now lost this week.

Once again it hurt.

Once again I felt used.

Once again I felt silly for even thinking anything positive would come out of one of those dating sites.

So, here I sit on this beautiful summer day. Tempted to feel sorry for myself in every facet of my life. Date number 4,297 fell through. He has now gone off to his next conquest probably. I'm an orphan. I'm grieving the loss of the two people who have known me the best and the longest.

It sucks.

It's bad.

I've made this comment before about my love life. I look around and see some gay couples who are happily partnered. I look at them and wonder to myself: "Wow. I wonder how they found each other? I would never have put the two of them together!"

Then a portion of me turns resentful....and I think, "What's wrong with me then? If they can do it, why not me?"

The answer never comes.

I grow wistful.

Misty-eyed.

Feeling like this is how my life is going to be....until the day I die.

It's just gonna be me and only me.

Bummer.

Things Are Tough

Each day brings me one day closer to the big event: Dad's memorial service.

I am having a hard time dealing with all this. The odd thing about it is that I was a whole lot closer to my mother growing up and during my adulthood....but these last 8 months have certainly drawn Dad and me very close...almost inseparable. With all that said, I found dealing with mother's death in some ways a lot easier than this one.

I don't know how to explain this. Perhaps it's the fact that I was with Dad 24/7 for 8 full months. I saw his good days...and his bad days....I was fiercely protective of him. I wanted him to know how much he was loved....and that he was safe. I believe I succeeded in that. At times I wonder if Mom knew how much I cared for her too.

She knew everything there was to know about me...including the gay thing. But...we had both agreed to not tell Dad about it. He had suffered so many "mini-strokes" and stayed in such a rattled state....it probably would have caused him some unneeded angst.

Although it felt as though my world had ended in October when Mom passed.....I immediately switched from her death....to immediate caregiver for Dad.

I think I didn't have appropriate time to grieve.

So, now I'm playing catchup.

The silliest things do it.

Driving down the road......and seeing a place that Dad and I visited in DC not long ago. Hearing music he loved. Looking at the video footage I am putting in the multimedia memorail for his service. Remembering the old days and how I wish that my mom and dad were still around.

Being an only child sucks.

Being an only gay child sucks even more....

Being a single and an only gay child sucks the most....

And not in a good way.

Why do I have to walk this season of my life alone? Oh I have three wonderful grown children that I am very close too. I have tons of friends. But why am I alone in this world without a companion.....without a special man.

I honestly think this is how it is going to be.....

ALONE.

Tears and Memories

It was not a good day yesterday.....and I had a hellish night because I woke up at 2:30 this morning and remained awake until about 5:00.

I just could not get my parents off my mind....and to be very honest....I overwhelmed myself with thinking about all the things I have to do. It felt like I was in a mud hole and stuck.....with my wheels spinning madly to try and get me on the move again.

Today I'm going to have a little fun...to get my mind off things.

We'll see.

Beginning Again...

Much has happened since my last post here. Again I apologize for the length of time between posts.

As you have read this blog you have known that in addition to my being a formerly married man who struggled with being gay, I am also an only child who has been dealing with significant elder care issues for my parents. Mom was diagnosed with colon cancer beginning in 2006. We thought we had beat that, but in the late summer of 2008, we learned that she had lung cancer that had metastasized into her bones...her hip....and her skull.

Aggressive radiation, chemo, and a total hip replacement contributed to her remission which lasted 15 months. In May 2010, the cancer returned with a vengeance...finally taking her life on October 11, 2010.

She smoked.....heavily....for years....and never stopped...even during her battles with cancer.

Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November 2009. He underwent aggressive radiation and chemo....as well as "cyber-knife" procedures...

Following Mom's death, it became quickly apparent that Dad was not able to live by himself or take care of himself. So, I dragged him -- kicking and screaming -- to live at my home in the DC metro area.

Daddy adjusted to living with me fairly quickly. It was good getting to have him here and we had a ball. I exposed him to a lot of different types of food....people of different backgrounds....and I even brought in some gay folks into the mix.

He thrived!

Sadly though, following a family reunion back in WV at the beginning of this month, he took a turn for the worst. His lung cancer spread to the other lung causing it to collapse. He went to the local hospice house and died on June 13.

I am devestated...

I have lost both my parents within 8 months of each other. I am an only child.

Now I have so many decisions to make.... Daddy's service is July 9. He was cremated at his request. The obituary is written. I had a professional picture of him taken just two weeks before his death.

But I am taking heart in the fact that with all this gloom, doom, death, dying...I was actually able to have good quality time with Daddy. In his words, "We were finally able to say things to each other that we should have said years ago..."

He was my buddy.

I have no regrets.

I kept him safe...he knew he was loved...and now he is gone.

I suppose what I am facing is the double whammy of grief over losing both parents in such a short timeframe. I don't think I actually got to mourn my mom's passing, because I was so wrapped up in Dad's move, healthcare, and all the related decisions.

Now it is all cascading around me...

All I can do is wade through it....

and begin again...

In the Wee Hours

I went to bed quite early last night, only to have been awakened by my dad's snoring...and now I can't seem to get back to sleep. So very much on my mind these days. It just doesn't seem to take a whole lot to upset my sleeping patterns.

Work continues. There is so much to work with there. Then I have the photo shoot coming up at the end of the week. THEN...I am worried about my dad. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I have a cousin who is also suffering from lung cancer back home....and he is in intensive care. I think his time is coming...and he is in the same hospital as mom was in....and he's suffering from the same final symptoms that mom did.

Will things ever get back to normal for me....and will I ever face a time where everyone is NOT dying from cancer?

I am at a loss...

The night goes on...

Another Week

So here I am at the start of another week. I'm exhausted. The past few nights I have not slept all that well. Dad has been restless....he's coughed....he's wheezed.....he's gotten up and down through the night -- all of which have awakened me and interrupted whatever sleep cycle I was in.

This week is going to be kind of interesting. I have been commissioned to be the principle photographer for an gay christian conference here in DC. I will be busy Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and all day Saturday. Thankfully, next Monday I will be off to catch up.

It's gonna be quite busy...but I hope I will get some really good photographs. I have a straight photographer buddy assisting....so it will be interesting watching him react to things. I took him to Gay Pride last year and he had a ball....even though he was approached by the Radical Faeries to have his crotch blessed. See the articles attached with the label to this post.

Heard from a long lost "friend" last night through the Silverdaddies Web site. This friend and I had gotten fairly close last summer. The last I saw of him was in mid September, just before I headed home to take care of my folks and the loss of my mom.

He was actually someone I had had high hopes for. He was attractive...gentle....and a man of faith....all of which I find quite attractive....but then he literally dropped off the planet.

Here's the email that came to me last night out of the blue. What would you think if this had come to you?

Hi Frank,
I hope this finds you well and accepting of my apologies for just cutting you off recently... I really can't say why at the time I felt the way I did, but you have been in my thoughts lately and when I saw you online I wanted to say hello with the possibility of a friendship renewed...

I know you have a lot going on and have no reason to reply, but you deserved the apology just the same..

Take good care and may God bless...

Recently? Did he say recently? Is 8 months without any word considered recent? Frankly, I don't know what to think and responded with a simple, "What happened?"

No response.

People can be so strange.....especially gay men.

Thoughts on Mother's Day 2011

I am having a month of milestones -- a number of them firsts, and it has been harder than I ever thought it would. I had expected Mother's Day and my mom's birthday to provide one-two punches...but was surprised at just how hard my 53rd Birthday was on May 1.

You see, my mom and I had this little tradition that we have done every year since I have been an adult living away from home. Every year, without fail, she would call me up at the time I arrived all those years ago and as soon as I would answer the phone (at 6:52am), all bleary eyed.....there she was with her gleeful voice on the other end of the phone saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY'! Some years she would end that with her rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

And each year, the funny thing was that I would forget she was gonna do that...

Each year when the phone would ring on my day....at that ungodly hour....I'd mutter to myself...."Who on earth is calling me at this hour of the morning....don't they know that we're asleep?"

And then...on the end of that line...was that unmistakeable voice excitedly saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY....then that song. My frustration would just melt and we both would crack up....because she had "gotten me" yet another time!

Year after year....it would happen.

Until this year.

May 1st arrived....and no calls happened until later on in the morning....when I heard from my children....and assorted friends.

Oh, I got up and went to church. Took care of my dad..... Jessica took me to a late lunch.... Then another group of friends to us to dinner that night at Tyson's Corner.

But my mom, the person I have known the longest in my life was the one in my thoughts.

This was the first Mother's Day without her. In my quiet alone moments....there she was in my thoughts....and the tears have fallen.

Grief is hard. But Mother's Day was not as bad as my birthday...

Yesterday was her 77th Birthday!

I thought of her all day long.

Frank is Playing Catch Up!

Dear Readers:

I apologize for being gone for so very long, but things have just been kind of busy.

As I alluded to in my super short note earlier in the week, I appear to be going through a relatively "good patch." BUT there have been some bumps along the way.

Since I haven't gone back to read my blog to see what I have told you, I may be repeating myself as I write this post. Please forgive me if I have.

Back in September and October while I was in WV with my dying mother....and my ailing father, one of the people who work for me kept in very close contact with me. She called me basically every other day....just to see how I was....and to see if there was something she might be able to do to lift my spirits. I appreciated everything she did....and upon my return...she was even more attentive.

This lady has worked for me about 20 years. (That's the one thing I find very interesting: when people come to work for me....they never leave! LOL)

I came back to work on October 26.

I was buried and worked very hard to dig out. Then, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, which was November 21, she had a seizure that surprised us all. In fact, the symptoms made it appear that it was a stroke....but in the end...after all the examining and prodding and scanning, we found that she had a large cancerous brain tumor, cancer in her lungs....and cancer on her liver.

Immediately, doctors went to work to remove the tumor in her brain and have her undergo aggressive radiation. As you may know, radiation does a number on a person...and in her case, it nearly wiped her out. Her body chemistry went haywire...and she never regained strength to have the chemo. Over time, the cancer returned to her brain and began to spread. Her cancer spread to her kidneys....and she finally died peacefully on March 27.

Her sons, 30 and 33, then turned to me for guidance. I spent a lot of time trying to help them as best as I could: she had not taken advantage of some of the perks with our life insurance company......she had no will......her children weren't on any of her bank accounts.....and on top of everything....no one had explained to them about probate....and the fact that someone needed to file 2010 taxes on her behalf as well as preparing 2011 taxes.

It was sad.....it was a bit scary.....and very stressful.

For the funeral, I was asked to speak a Eulogy....AND serve as a pallbearer.

It was a very long day.

But as bad as this experience was....I learned somethign profound: you just never know what an impact you can have on someone else's life.

I certainly did not know it.

I can't really begin to say how many people from her family came up to me to say:

"So, you're Frank.....you just don't know what all she had to say about you. I feel like I know you," etc....etc.

I cried...and cried for my loss of her.....and how she worked so hard to make me laugh during my trials and tribulations.

While she was in the hospital and rehab center...I did the very same thing. I spent much time trying to make her laugh.....or to grin. It usually worked until we reached the beginning of the end.

It has been a month already....and I still cannot believe she is no more!

So no matter how I bitch at the thought of being alone.....and having no one to love me......I look at the one that left here.....
I really know better.

So, I can't help but think how blessed I am to have friends from every corner of the planet. These are folks who have said they love me.....and are supportive in so many different ways. My problems are so small. I have a brand new appreciation for my faith.

Yes the gay formerly married guy is thankful for all his blessings.

Oh, and by the way, there are some new men in my life......not sure how they will play out....but they are there.

I just need to have some direction on how to proceed.

A Good Patch

Frank is going through a good patch right at the moment. No major catastrophes as of this writing. Dad is still hanging on...and seems in relatively good spirits.

I'm doing okay....

Will write more shortly....I apologize for the big gap....

Lots to tell.

Don't go away!

"YOU SHALL NOT LIE WITH A MAN AS WITH A WOMAN" -- A New Interpretation of Leviticus

"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman"........ a new interpretation.

When a woman asks questions about her appearance..... like the classic "Does this make my ass look fat?" ...... it is okay to lie to her. In fact, it is polite, civilized, expected, the all-around right thing to do.

However, it is not okay to lie with a man this way. NO excuses. You have to tell him the truth. He's a man; he can take it.



That's it. That's all. Nothing to do with homosexuality.

Gay Bitchiness 101

It seems that gay guys can be more bitchy than women who are in the midst of their period!

I mean no harm in this ladies...but you know?

Let me explain.

A few years ago I played with a much older guy who was going through a divorce. He lived in a very exclusive area....lived alone in this humongous house....BIG pool. We had fun. We met through mutual friends...and he told me his story....and I told him my story. Nothing to write home about. The playtime was good. No problems. We had dinner together...hung out....and did normal stuff.

BUT...

Then my mother and dad's illness took center stage and I soon did not have the time to devote to my "hobbies"...and the guy. He kept trying to get me to join him at these wild sex parties he knew of....told me that I would be perfect in their basement....

But that was a bit too racy for me. I declined.

We lost contact.

That is, until TODAY.

We belong to this internet chat group....and we were talking about age disparity. He interjects how he knows me....how I'm scary....I'm way too intense...and that we only had sex one time...and it was okay....blah....blah and that I was looking for a commitment and how he didn't know me......

I was stunned.

So, even though he flamed me in front of the 12,000+ members of the group....I wrote him privately:


"You are confusing me with someone else. We have been together more than once. Not one time did we discuss commitment and boy, am I far from intense. Further, if I was all that "scary" it did not stop you from attempting more involvment.

I refuse to go deeper into this. But the reaso it ended, I though was due to the illnesses and subsequent death of my mother.

Sorry if you find that scary!

As for "I just don't go for the heavy relationship centered discussions too early in a relationship -- too needy and too loaded with ideas of commitment when I don't even know him and am only concerned about sex at the moment counting on later to work on the relationship if there is a mutual interes."

We never went there in our discussions. I fear this comment says more about you than I care to know. Our fun together was just that. I was not ready for a relationship.

So sorry that you forgot.

Kissing and telling is bad form, especially in a venue such as this."

ICK! Things like this make me kind of glad I am single....and alone....and able to just hang out with friends.

This kind of thing makes me feel even more estranged from the whole gay male dating scene....even though there are times when I crave companionship deeply.

My Neighbor

Cheri is an interesting woman that lives across my street. She has been known to hang out considerably with the neighborhood gossip that lives next to her. She has taken it upon herself to mow her neighbor's lawns....replace brickwork...remove plants and replace them with what she likes best.

She also worked in my agency until she retired a few years ago...rather abruptly.

In my case...she ruined my lawn contract by removing boxwoods that were awaiting removal by my lawn company, who were awaiting new plants to install. She liked hastas better...and installed them.

I was livid.

But that was last summer.

Several weeks ago I guess it all became too much for her.

She committed suicide by swallowing a handful of pills.

Her cat sitter found her in the kitchen.

Only a few notes were left....about where the financial paperwork was....where the car title was.....where the deed was...... Her closet was empty...except for one dress and one pair of shoes. Post-it notes with red arrows pointed in the direction of where important things were.

She instructed:

* no funeral
* no obituary
* she was to be cremated
* her ashes were to be placed in the plainest of containers
* her ashes were to be scattered over some body of water.
* her furnishings and contents of her home were to be sold by a professional estate liquidator

Her one son was devestated. No reasons why.

That was that.

I am haunted by this. I look at her darkened home....and see her car where she left it. It's a bit creepy.

I wonder if I could have been a better neighbor instead of having my little attitude about what she did to my lawn contract!

I saw her on the morning of the day she died.

I was up early....because of having to let my dog out in the pre-dawn hours of the morning.

Every light was on in Cheri's house. I saw her moving by her windows in her bedroom.

"Odd," I thought. "She must be getting ready for a trip."

If I had only known...

An Emotion-Filled Weekend

This new life of mine seems to be taking its toll.

I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my dad...in better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.

Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:

* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.

* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!

* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.

* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.

* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work...my work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.

* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns for....but...as usual....that has evaporated.

* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an F....so I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.

* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.

* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He paces....in the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.

So, here I sit...at my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.

I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.

So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.

Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.

Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.

Right now, that's what matters to me most.

Thoughts on a Late Winter Day

Dawn is just breaking over the metro area. A late winter wind is pushing debris around my backyard and making a tattle-tale moaning sound through the screens of my french doors that lead to my deck.

Dad is sleeping.

I am awaiting the arrival of his caregiver. Then I can go off to work.

Why do I feel like such a failure?

I really do feel like one.

Let's review the track record shall we:

I am not the Ward Cleever that I had wanted to be. I am 52 years old....gay...and alone. I made a poor selection of wives....I tried taking care of everyone else, but me.....and here I am. Taking care of my elderly dad...afraid he's going to run out of money.....afraid that I'm going to screw up his finances......worried that I'm going to be like him one day....afraid of the second hand smoke I spent my first 20 years breathing.....afraid of being alone for the rest of my life......afraid of dying alone.

I am working to get my finances in order. I'm still paying for the legal bills....and mess from that icky divorce. I only wish I had been more diligent of the what-ifs when I was a whole lot younger.

But, I'm just a mess this morning.

This cold, windy, late winter morning.

Whining to God

Yesterday, (Sunday), I whined at God.

Like a spoiled, self-centered child...I whined.

I felt sorry for myself. "Why me?" I silently wailed to myself. "Why do am I in the situation I currently am in? Why does my dad have to die? Why did my mom have to die? Why do any of us have to die? What am I gonna do? Am I making the right decisions...I am just so unhappy....so unsure...."

I went to the early service at a church that's not far from my house. I have become friendly with the pastor...and he has taken an interest in my situation. His sermon was entitled, "The Happiness Manifesto." In that message he talked about his partner, who he lost from AIDS in 1996. When he wondered what he was going to do when the partner died, God gently reminded him of what "we" are going to do.

Near the end of the service, the congregation sang the old hymn, "God Will Take Care of You."

I hadn't really paid attention to that old song. But yesterday I did. It hit me...I am just trying to put everything on me. I am trying to fix everything...instead of allowing God to do His thing...with me....TOGETHER.

Following that service, I had a gentle nudge to go to my own morning service. It took about a half-hour to drive there.

The ensemble at church sang the old Bill Withers song, "LEAN ON ME"....followed by a sermon on "Handle With Care." After the sermon, one of our female members came up to receive the offering. However, before she did that, she felt the Holy Spirit nudge her to sing a chorus of a song...."God Will Take Care of You."

So it felt as though in response to my whining, God hit me up the side of the head with a 2X4 to say, He would take care of me. I need to trust Him during this dark hour...and let him do His thing.

Message received.

Loud & Clear!