Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Love


So this is the day after Valentine's Day 2017. It certainly has been a different one for me. I've not had anyone truly serious in my life for a very long time. Oh, last year at this time I had Stan...but to be honest,after Chris has materialized, I feel like everything with Stan was so juvenile. It had no depth...it didn't have those butterfly feelings in the pit of your stomach. It felt a little bit contrived. I feel bad about that...but its true and now I understand why. Especially after the drama of the summer when he married his one night stand and kicked me to the curb. I really learned a lot from that. My kids are still reeling from it because they had gotten used to him and thought he truly had potential.

As a result of that unfortunate experience, they are quick to criticize the fact that I am moving too fast with Chris. I suppose from their perspective it is a bit fast. But they've not been privy to the countless conversations...especially the marathon ones where we have each bared our souls to one another. We've spoken very openly and honestly of our failures as husbands...the countless hookups....the emptiness....the secret longing for connection and love.

I guess all my other boyfriends featured some aspects of love. But, it wasn't to the depth I have with Chris. I mean I think about him and I get emotional. I tear up. His voice on the telephone soothes me in ways that no other person on the planet has ever done so. Being wrapped in his arms is a feeling of total happiness...I don't need another thing. I'm at peace. I'm content.

It's just too hard to explain. It's like my missing piece has been found...and that I can go on living. He and I plan to do so. We have all kinds of dreams...and all kinds of aspirations. I just have to believe that God is going to allow this to happen. After all, he allowed us to meet...and literally cross paths and then something deep seated ignited....and literally exploded. We shake our heads. It is just too hard to comprehend. (Perhaps shortly I should write an in depth post as to how we met.)

Nonemtheless it happened.

And here we are...

On the cusp of a big adventure....

My kids are so afraid I'm setting myself up for hurt.

My response? How do you ever protect yourself from hurt? I was with Lovey for nearly 26 years. For most of that time, I hurt. When that horse was sadly beaten to death, it hurt. Every break up I've ever had has hurt. When my first FWB that I had for years got killed in a car crash -- it hurt. It hurt when my 12 year relationship with another married man ended -- it hurt. Even had a relationship with a much younger man who wound up running off with my former best friend --it hurt. I've even ben hurt by people turning against me. By awful things being spread about me behind my back. Especially been hurt by those relationships at church.

Hurt is part of living.

But you have to get back on the horse again when you get thrown. However, what I'm experiencing here is so complete...so wonderful...I can't see this ever ending...I actually can see it going the distance.

I'm blessed beyond words. I'm finally past the cycles of quick hookups and getting off. I'm tired of feeling used and being lonely. I'm tired of the emptiness of purely sexual relationships.

It's now time to experience love and to be true to myself....FINALLY.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Stephen said...

If you never open yourself up, you never know what possibilites await. So happy for you.

7:28 PM  

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