Bad News

I have quite a confession to make.

As you know, I'm a gay man.

No shocker there really.

But I enjoy gay porn.

Yup, that's right.  I enjoy pornography.  Oh, I'm not addicted to it.  I'm not glued to it 24/7.  But I really enjoy watching guys make love to each other.  I'm not into that slam, bam mechanical sorts of porn.   Or where the actors are not really looking at each other.  Or they are just working to get the money shot down on film.

I like watching guys who are definitely into each other.  You can see it in their eyes.  You can also see how they touch each other, if hey are really into one another.

It's a beautiful thing to watch to me.  And, it also facilitates my pleasing of myself.

It works well.  It's 100% safe.  It also helps with a lot of fantasies I have.

But, rest assured, when I have someone in my life that I can be into....and to love 24/7...my interest in porn will slowly wane....as I focus more on my partner, boyfriend, or husband.

Another confession.  I have some real crushes on some porn stars.  One of my earliest crushes involved Al Parker.  I didn't see any of his porn until after he died from AIDS.  Another porn star I had a crush on was Zak Spears.  He's still hot after all these years...and acts in Porn still...although not as often.

But my most recent fave and crush centered on an actor who was named Arpad Miklos.  See the pic.  Aw...watching him in anything is awesome.  He's handsome.  He's built.  He knows what he's doing under the sheets.

He's beautiful to watch.

But today I got word that this beautiful man, at the age of 45, killed himself on Sunday.  Aw...I can't help but wonder why.  He was successful.  He was kind.  He was generous.  He was hot.  But clearly, something caused him to want to stop living.    And he did.

With the assistance of pills and alcohol.

Friends found him.

They also said they didn't know why.  They knew he was not happy.  But there was nothing that indicated he was THAT upset.

So why?

This is another life lesson.  You can be the most beautiful person on earth.  You can literally have any man on the planet.  But in this realm, you can still be miserable.  You can be so very unhappy, that you want to make a permanent decision that will handle a temporary issue.

This then leads me back to my earlier thought.  I am blessed.  I am happy.  Although I have no boy friend or significant other -- this does not define my success.

I just need to be me.  I just need to be happy.  I just need to enjoy life.

But I miss Arpad....and I did not know him.  I probably was not even his type.  But, oh my goodness.

Rest dear friend.  You were loved by many men like me that you had never met.