Sunday, February 03, 2013

Just Overall Weirdness....

I am not sure how to begin this post.  Today there is so much on my mind.  I suppose I will just begin to write and hopefully my thoughts will unfurl as they move from mind to the printed page on the Internet.

Ever since Mom O'Lovey has been diagnosed with lung cancer, I have been greatly troubled.  It just does not seem to be fair for me.  My goodness she has spent the majority of her 82 years on the planet trying to eat healthy, watch her carbs, and get as much excercise as possible -- from swimming....to aerobics.....to walking.....to tennis.

And now this.

She never smoked.

And now this.

And since I have spent so much time thinking about her, I've not been sleeping well at night.  I keep dreaming about my parents.  For some reason lakes or ponds and swans all are a part of these dreams.

I awaken all shook up.  Unsetttled.  Bothered.

I guess the fact that Mom O'Lovey struggling with lung cancer and all her scans and tests and chemo and radiation have dredged up all kinds of buried feelings and thoughts that I was just now beginning to move from.

And so I dream.

Bummer.

On top of this, I find myself pondering my love life, or lack there of.  The two men in my life currently that I am indeed so interested in are not available.  It would not be a good thing for me to jump up and say..."Hey!  I want to date you!"

I don't think either are available emotionally or physically.  Even though either one of these gentlemen could probably use a good romp in the hay.  I just don't feel right about raising my hand and volunteering for the mission.

The friendships I have with these men is indeed important to me.  I genuinely care for both of them.  (I have to be careful about what I write here, because they both know about this blog...and I would hate for them to read about themselves here.)

One of these men is many years younger than me.  The other is significantly older than me.  They both affect me in different ways.

My love for them could be tipped in either direction.

All the younger would have to do is to express interest.  The same is true for the older.

Given each's unique situation, I am in no hurry to get them to commit to me.  I am patient and willing to wait.  But my goodness, it would mean so much to me to be able to reach over and hold either man's hand.  Or to rest my ead upon his shoulder. Or to curl up on a sofa somewhere and just snuggle.

It's not a matter of jumping either man's bones.  Or wanting to get naked with them.

I guess if the truth be told, I am indeed in love.

This all reminds me of how it felt when I first met Zach.  The butterflies...the racing heart rate......the trembling hands.

Then I read I Corinthians 13 about what true love is and what true love is not.

Oh, I'm here.

I guess I am drawn more to one than to the other.  Even to the point of feeling guilty when I have sex with someone else.  It feels like cheating.

Now keep in mind, I've not been intimate with either of my guys.

We've not had the big discussion about monogamy and what that means for "us."

In my head though it feels like I am committed.  Being with anyone else just seems wrong.

But gosh.  I don't even know where I officially stand with these men.

Its frustrating.

I want to get down to business.  I want to help them through their time of sadness and difficulties.

But I am paralyzed by fear.

By fear of rejection.

By fear of failure.

By fear in general.

What do I do to get over this?

Do I throw all caution to the wind and level with these men?  Get the hurt and rejection over with.

What do I do?

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