Saturday, February 02, 2013

Layers of an Onion

I've been accused of thinking to much == over analyzing.

Perhaps this is true. However, I find that as I journey through life, who better to ponder stuff with than me -- the guy that I am stuck with, who has sort of become my best friend. After all, I am always there for me. Even when others are gone.

So living this life and being out....and dealing with all things gay, it only makes sense for me to spend a degree of time trying to sort out why I feel the way I do about things.

The gay life, at least for me, seems to ebb and to flow. Sometimes I fixate on the topic of love and loneliness -- as I have for the past couple of weeks. At other times it moves to the backburner of my life while other issues move front and center.

It's sort of like watching the ocean at the beach. Some waves manage to get higher on the beach than others. Each wave is unique. Each has its own strength and affects its surrounding accordingly.

Today I am pondering the residual effects of wanting love.

I've glossed all over the intricacies of having a close partner. I've forgotten all the sleepless nights that Lovey inflicted upon when she was a close partner. Drama, drama and more drama with her.

But I wonder had I been straight...would that have been different.

Now that I am gay...would it all be different with a male partner.

As you can see, I have thought long and hard about all this.

Still, as I wonder through life I have concluded that I will have issues to deal with when that man does arrive on the scene.

Basee on my marriage ending, and that long term think I had with the other married guy (ZACH), I feel a bit protective of my heart. I don't want to open it up to someone so freely, only to have it torn asunder and ripped to shreds.

So my guy will have to be patient with me in the area of trust.

Oh, I can love. I can totally let go and enjoy all that it brings.

But I'm afraid.

I've discovered that I am truly afraid.

For all that I hope for...and all the crushes I have had, I am afraid of what might happen if one of these crushes turns to me and says "I've got a crush on you too...let's go for it and see what happens!"

This was illustrated a few days ago.

There is a man that I currently know that I have very deep feelings for. He does not know. Aw...he might have a clue. But, he doesn't really know the depth of them.

I spent some time with him...and as we visited, I couldn't help but notice his hands......his eyes........his body.....the way he moves..... Gosh, like a girl I sat there wondering what it would be like to hold his hands. To cup his cheeks and plant a little kiss on his beautiful lips. How I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and to let him know that there is a guy in his life that cares for him deeply.

As we parted company, we ended our visit with a big bearhug....and a brief kiss.

Parts of me rumbled to life. My heart raced.

Wet spots appeared in my slacks -- what a mess!

But as I walked away, the apparition of fear hit me.

In the midst of this pleasant experience....of feeling like this man is so right.....and how I could just be so happy with this man....

The fear erupted. Can I truly trust him? Would this be a relationship that I could handle? Can he trust me?

In my heart, I know that I have done a lot of things that the gay world considers normal. I've had more sex partners than the average person. I've tried different things -- more than the average person.

So, would this man forgive? Could I forgive him?

Monogamy....I say I want it. But in the gay world....could I real do it? I mean I have allowed the sex genie to escape from her bottle. Gay men have sex because its fun...and a lot will tell you that it cements friendships.

But really.

What kind of partner/husband would I make?

My psyche is a lot like an onion.....layers....upon layers....upon layers.


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