Thursday, February 14, 2013

Thoughts on Valentine's Day


This is always a tough day. I generally find myself out to dinner – alone and surrounded by all kinds of happy hetero couples.

It makes me melancholy.

For those twenty some odd years that I was married, I always got my ex-wife flowers, a card, and a box of Trinidads from Fannie Mae candies. She made that candy last for months in the freezer because they were so good.

When I think about all that I become quite misty and wistful.

I also remember not being to keen on the idea of every getting lovey a truly romantic Valentine’s Day card. I guess on certain levels I felt like a fraud. I was one after all. It took me the longest time to try and sound romantic. Or to think of something to say. It was also like the sex – very mechanical.

I can’t even compare it to anything.

It is just just foreign to me and contrary to my true nature.

But give me a man. A special man. A good man.  An honest man.  One that I love. One that loves me. All for the right reasons. Then I understand everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. I know why love letters, poetry and love songs are written. I know what romance is. I know how to make someone feel special.

But with Lovey, I was seriously deficiemt in all that.

And I am filled with regret. Serious regret.

I wish I could go back and rewrite history and make it all better for her.

I am haunted by the fact that although I spent so much time trying to be something that I am not, that I don’t believe I truly tried hard enough.

And there it goes.

It can’t be changed.

Guilt….the what if’s. The wondering.

The need for self forgiveness. Self-acceptance. Self awareness.

All are my constant companions.  The private longing.

I do my restaurant Valentine’s ritual. I take myself to a nice restaurant. My table is crowded with all my constant copanions.

I turn and there they all sit. All around me.

Couples.

Hetero couples.

Sitting as close as they can. All snuggled up. Speaking in whispers. Looking all goo-eyed at each other. Some nuzzle into necks of the other. Others are kissing. Some need to get a room or go back the room before the food arrives.

Here I sit.

Watching all this. Seeing some couples and wondering “How did that happen?” How did that man wind up with that woman? How did that woman wind up with that man.

Attraction is a mysterious thing!

And here I sit

Alone.

One day I will have someone here at the table with me.



2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes you will.

1:46 AM  
Blogger Nhil said...

I don't think there's a need to regret about the things we did in the past. No matter how awful they were, they helped us have this good present life that we have.

I'm sure you'll find your real happiness soon. :)

10:14 PM  

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