Ashamed and Vulnerable

That last post I almost erased.

It isn't me.  I don't go trolling for anonymous sex in public places.

But I am surprised that I did fall into that behavior on Friday.  There are no excuses.

Really.

I suppose I consider myself vulnerable.  I mean, I am not getting any younger and when a hot, young guy expresses interest -- in whatever venue --  I respond.

It scared me.

After all, I'm not THAT desperate.  I don't have to beg for sex.  I know how to find it.  I  have had my fair share.

But I think what I'm looking for is emotional.  I need to feel connected to someone.  I need to know that I am more than "Daddy Warbucks".  That I matter to someone.  I want to be first in line for a change.  I don't like feeling as though I were 6 month old leftovers in the bottom of the freezer nursing freezer burn.

I want a healthy male relationship.

I keep looking...