Friday, March 08, 2013

Thoughts on the Past

So on this Friday I am being a lazy bum.

I am taking my sweet time about getting ready to go to the office.  This is probably due to the fact that it has been a hellish few weeks at my agency.  Lots of pressure....lots of successes.

As I wondered the halls of the palace -- my new grand office building in downtown DC -- I was telling one of my employees about how the agency "used to be" many years ago.  Is it because I am older that I keep thinking back how attractive the "good ole days" were?

I remember my parents and my grandparents reminiscing about the past when I was younger.  I also remember thinking they were crazy for not appreciating the present.

Well, I'm on the cusp of turning 55 and I now understand.

My agency has gone from a sleepy, backwater, agency, that quietly did its job.  Where everyone worked for the good of the place.  Everyone was respected for being a colleague regardless of the grade level.  BUT NOW?  The place is cold and sterile.

A caste system has developed and is based on how high your office is in the building....and what side of the office you're on.

It's lost its way.

I could go on and on.

But this is a blog about gayness.

So as a twin thought on the topic of the good ole days, I'm thinking about when it was that I first released my differences -- mainly my attraction to men.

It runs very deep.

I remember the absolute fear I had.  I did not know what was happening.  All I remember as a child was how I liked to look at men....and how I really loved to sneak glimpses of them in the shower....or when they had their shirts off.

I especially remember feeling something strange about the age of six.  I was roughhousing with a cousin in his bedroom.  This cousin was in his late teens...and we were rolling around.  I remember that he was fully clothed, but he had on a t-shirt.  I remember feeling electric shocks (that's all I can liken it to) whenever my bare arms would brush against his biceps.  It made my stomach feel funny.  But I didn't understand it.

My fascination with men spilled over to watching the series, "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."  It wasn't the wild animals...or Marlin Perkins.  I loved watching Jim Fowler.  I hungered to see him.  I didn't understand why, other than I thought he was handsome.  I always wondered what he looked like with his shirt off.  That's him on the right.

When puberty hit...and my hormones raced, my face would burn when I was in the presence of a hot man.

My body was changing....lots was happening all at once.  I had feelings I had never experienced before.

I was totally frightened because I also knew that I had no interest in girls.

I remember my dad giving me a talk about not getting girls pregnant.  THE TALK.  In my head I couldn't figure out why I would even contemplating doing that to a girl.

The sad thing most of all is that I had no one to talk to.

So, here at 55...even though the "good ole days" do hold some pleasant memories, from a sexual development point of view, it was filled with fear.  I did not feel normal.  I spent much time trying to be someone I was not intended to be.  I suppose now I am more settled and more content than I have ever been.

I just long to have that special man.

It's never far from me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know I have been reading your blog and there are so many similarities between us. I am an only child too, I am gay too. But unlike you, I am from a middle eastern country, and very conservative family, so its either a social suicide for me, or a marriage with a woman. I just want you to know that there are countless others like me out there, who are unfortunately in not very accepting societies.

6:02 PM  

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